Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Gift and a Curse

My husband and I never talked about his possibly dying. Never, not once did we have such a conversation after he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. We continued to live life just as we always had with the chemo, radiation and stem cell transplant just taken as matter-of-fact details to be faced and dealt with. Except for the grueling medical aspects of his illness, our life was pretty much the same. We both worked, volunteered and were extremely hands-on parents. About a year into my husband's illness, he did bring up that he had been rejected for trying to obtain more life insurance for us. I did not make a big deal about this - just admitted that it was what it was.

I knew my husband very well and understood that this was how he needed to face his illness. He carried on with such strength and courage never even thinking of the possiblity of dying. That was perhaps a mistake for both of us because I went along with my husband's way of coping. I always considered it my gift to him - avoiding "Having the talk." If we had, I would have realized that the mortgage payment was just $200.00 less than the pension benefit we would receive. There may have been time to refinance or somehow reorganize the finances to have made our economic situation less challenging.

I am pretty sure that my husband truly believed that if he died, his mother may have provided something for us, or that we would make it financially. I do not even think that he knew what our actual pension benefit would be for us upon his death. It was just never looked into.

Looking back on the widowhood road, I have regrets over not talking about the what ifs. My husband died without ever knowing he was actually dying. That was a great blessing for him - that he was spared that. But that blessing has been a great hindrance to me. And I am the one who had to carry on raising the boys, his sons. So, in the end it would have been far better to have had the strength and courage to keep on living and fighting the illness, as well as facing the situation fully. I wish I had brought up the subject we so tried to hide from.

6 comments:

  1. it's hard to look back at what you should have done. regrets can bring you to your knees. just plan the future for yourself but especially for your sons allowing for the "worst case scenario" so that no one will not know what to do.

    i've read this ever since you posted it and i just don't have any better thoughts than that. we all look back and wish. but now you can change what never happened into "now i can sleep a little better at night knowing everything is set."

    i wish you peace.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had a similar experience. My husband died of leukemia. I think he believed if he didn't prepare for it, he wouldn't die. He did know at the end when the leukemia relapsed. We talked a little but perhaps not as much as we should have. (He also had a stem cell transplant but was hospitalized the last 7 months of his life. Thelma Z (see my blog at www.widowsphere.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. wNs - I agree with you that we all look back with regrets. I guess I was hoping that maybe someone will read this and remember it if they face a similar situation. The VERY FIRST thing I did immediately after my husband died was set up life ins. for the boys (if I die, they will each receive more on their own than I received for all of us together).

    thelmaz - Thank you for responding. I think my husband had similar beliefs to yours - that if he was still living normally, the cancer wouldn't get him. But if he acted like he was sick, it would. I look forward to viewing your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm sorry i wasn't the one to offer what you were looking for. my life was very different. i've always had to keep in touch with details. i photocopied files so i had back ups since the ex kept "his money" separate. tax files. the will. his hidden stocks. all of it. when i married my Dragon, we talked about everything. he still went out on missions when we first married and i needed to know things should he not return. we talked about what we wanted if one of us died. again, i am sorry i didn't have what you were looking for. i do understand what it's like to reach out yet not find answers or agreement.

    ReplyDelete
  5. wNs - Please don't think that your response was not what I wanted or needed. I write for myself and if someone wants to comment that is fine. I appreciate and value all replies, whether they are in agreement with me or not. I am just trying to get a lot of old stuff out about my husband's death and this was one thought I had - a regret about what was important that was left unsaid. I continue to hope that maybe someone will read the post and not make the same mistake I did by avoiding talking about death.

    Sometimes when we post there isn't much that can be said - it is what it is - nothing I do now will change the past and all that. Sometimes it helps to just get it out (as you well know) and having someone listen is enough. So thank you as always for being there and listening!

    ReplyDelete
  6. خدمات مكافحة الحشرات من شركة المستقبل
    شركة مكافحة حشرات ببريدة
    شركة رش مبيدات بالقصيم
    تقدم شركة المستقبل خدماتها لمكافحة الحشرات الطائرة من ناموس وغيرها ومكافحة الحشرات الزاحفة كالصراصير والنمل بأنواعه وغيرها من الحشرات المؤذية ومكافحة أيضا الفئران والزواحف الضارة، فالشركة تهتم بصحة عملائها الذين تتعامل معهم، ويجب أن يكون العميل على معرفة بأضرار تواجد هذه الحشرات على صحة الأسرة، فوجود الفئران في المنزل يهدد الجميع في المنزل ويؤرق راحتهم، أما عن تواجد الحشرات فهي خطر على صحة الأطفال وتؤثر عليهم فالأطفال ليس لديهم وعي بخطورة هذه الحشرات التي تسبب الأمراض.
    شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بالرياض
    مكافحة النمل الابيض
    شركة المستقبل هي شركة متخصصة في مجال مكافحة جميع أنواع الحشرات، الشركة لديها الخبرة الطويلة في التعامل والقضاء على جميع أنواع الحشرات، وأيضا الشركة لديها الخبرة الطويلة في التعامل مع المبيدات المختلفة والتي تستخدم في القضاء على الحشرات، فيتم بعد معرفة نوع الحشرة المتواجدة في المنزل تركيب المبيد ومعرفة الطرق والأساليب المختلفة والتي تستخدم في شركة المستقبل للقضاء على الحشرات بأنواعها.
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بجدة
    شركة رش مبيدات بجدة
    يتم استخدام مبيدات لا تؤثر على صحة الأفراد وآمنة ولكن في نفس الوقت فعالة ولها القدرة على القضاء على الحشرات بسهولة وبسرعة، يتم أيضا استخدام الأساليب والتقنيات والأدوات الحديثة والمتطورة للقضاء على أنواع الحشرات المختلفة، ويتم تدريب العاملين في شركة المستقبل على استخدام هذه الأدوات والمبيدات حتى يكون لديهم الخبرة الكافية للتعامل مع أنواع الحشرات المختلفة وذلك بالتعاون مع الخبراء والباحثين الذين لديهم خبرة ودراية كاملة في مجال مكافحة الحشرات.
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
    شركة رش مبيدات بالدمام
    شركة المستقبل هي الشركة الأولى في مجال القضاء على الحشرات، اتصل بالشركة وسوف تجد الاهتمام البالغ في التعامل والمساعدة الكاملة وتنفيذ جميع مطالبك، تعامل مع شركة المستقبل وسيختفي جميع أنواع الحشرات لديك في المنزل نهائيا وبدون عودة للمنزل لتستمتع بحياة بدون حشرات.

    ReplyDelete