Asking For Help

I am humbled and saddened by the news going on in Japan. What brought tears to my eyes today was the msnbc headline appearing over the images of the earthquake's destruction that Japan had asked for help from America and then Obama's reply that America would do what we can. It made me think about this macro issue in micro terms. Here is one great country asking for help and another offering its assistance.

If I could turn back the clock a few years, I would have asked for more help - more help in caring for the kids, seeking advice, requesting support and trying to get some personal "me" time. But I didn't. I was raised in a family where we were expected and had to rely on ourselves - no one ever requested help or gave it. We were considered weak and inept if we couldn't do it alone.

Of course, I see how silly that belief system is now. And all my trying to do it by myself has resulted in nothing but creating a somewhat bitter, overtired, stressed only parent. I'm making an attempt to call people when I need to talk things over and to verbalize my needs more. But it is not a process that happens overnight. Old habits, especially the ones learned in childhood are hard to break.

Anyway, if two great countries can model this behavior, we as individuals should be able to do so too. It is okay to admit we can't do it on our own and I hope more people out there are willing to lend a hand when someone asks for help after disaster strikes their life. In a perfect world no one would have to ask and help would just come because it is needed. But I've learned that is not how it works. Sometimes if you don't take the steps of asking, help won't be delivered.

A disaster like this shakes us all up. Makes us realize the fragility of our lives. My prayers go out to the people of two great nations, one in need and one giving. How quickly can the giver turn out to be the one in need in the future.

Ask, Seek, Knock

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:8

It is so hard to ask, seek and knock yet when we do so, doors open. Then we have to have the strength to accept.

Despondency

Was very despondent yesterday and the weather matched my mood - dark, grey and rainy. The boys were able to have pizza when they went over to their older brother's to watch the Bear's game but I was stuck with leftover 4-Bean Chili minus any cheese which is pretty much the best part. Couldn't sleep last night. Worried about the food budget and holidays, being able to have some kind of celebration for the boys. My oldest was upset this morning, needing $1.50 for his PE bowling class which I could not give him. He was also critical of what he felt was a meager lunch (PB & J, apple, goldfish crackers and a few cookies). After they boys left for school, I was able to register at a toy drive that allows "shoppers" to purchase gifts for their children at greatly reduced prices. I saw this event last year as it was happening and made a mental note to remember it this year, if needed. Not everyone who wants to participate can do so as spots are limited so I got on the phone first thing. The line was busy but within 15 minutes I had secured an appointment. The sale is of course geared to younger kids but I was assured that there would be plenty of a selection for my boys. Anything is better than nothing.
I then had to go to the local grocery store to write a check for a small amount over some minor purchases to afford gas for both vehicles. Then I headed over to the food pantry where a very kind woman volunteer and I have gotten friendly. She said she was so stuck by my asking for a stick of deodorant for my sons the last time I was there and the fact that they didn't have any to give me that she cried. She spoke to her husband that night and both of them would like to put together small gift bags for each boy. She said it won't be much but again I am grateful for anything my sons might have to open and enjoy. In terms of what they want, it is items like body wash, shampoo, sugarless gum and mints (which have been cut from our budget), socks and underwear. Nothing extravagant. A few years ago I might have not accepted this woman's offer but I can no longer do so. I still feel incredibly ashamed to be in this condition. Our society isn't kind toward the poor, even during the hard times many of us are going through. I feel stigmatized and humbled at the same time.

The nice woman at the food pantry said she knows of another pantry operating out of a church and if I didn't mind, she would pass on my name. They actually deliver a weekly box of food to your door. I also agreed to this. We have reached such a low point that my food budget is practically non-existent and it will probably take me a month or two to recover. During which time I am forced to rely on pantry donations as difficult as it is. Today's food pantry visit was a good one because I got to choose three loaves of bread and a dessert. Sometimes there is no bread or just hard unsliced loaves of French or Italian. A red letter day to be able to leave with a loaf of light Italian, extra large loaf of white sandwich bread and a hearty grain type, which is my preference.

From the pantry I headed over to the town hall to register for yet another program. This one only gives gifts to kids 12 and under but they do provide a box of fresh food including potatoes and vegetables so it was worth it to sign up. It is also possible that a family or business will "adopt" us but that is not a guarantee. I go to a local church to pick up my box of food and they will also offer items at a garage sale of sorts - donated items of all kinds, free for the taking. We've been shopping at the Goodwill and I go to antique stores so what is the harm in browsing at the items offered? Maybe I can find a few "gently worn" items as they say for the boys or even myself.

The social worker overheard me talking about a program I've learned about that is actually a class to teach suburbanites how to be poor since so many of us have never had to face circumstances like this. She asked me about the program and I promised to provide her with the info. That is part of the problem as I see it. I've never lived in an apartment or had to search for food from pantries. There have to be others out there like me who just don't know the ins and outs of navigating the system. The social worker referred me to yet another food pantry that provides fresh food items. Talking to her, I sounded like a social worker myself. At that moment of realization part of me said to myself, "Get off your butt and look for work in your field. Stop selling yourself short. Your are a professional, you'll eventually find a social services job. And heck, now I even have personal experience in grief, loss and poverty - better equipped to assist clients." Part of the problem though, is that being in this place takes a tremendous toll on one's self-esteem. I blame myself for my situation and don't feel worthy looking for a better job. That is kind of the pattern of this cycle...

By the end of the day I felt a little better. All this running around took up the majority of my time, which is another characteristic of living under reduced circumstances. It takes extra time to figure all this stuff out. Dinner was thankfully not more 4-Bean Chili! I feel I've done what I can to try and improve the holidays but still am depressed and down about it all. I am not motivated to put up a tree and wish the holidays would just fast forward and go away. I am also reconsidering not going to the knitting group this week thinking it is not a good time to do so. It will feel like rubbing salt into a wound if I am surrounded by women chatting in gay spirits about their holiday decorations, plans, parties and trips. Maybe it would be better to start with the group at the new year. These women all know one another and I'm not sure it is the right time to enter a group that has been together in the midst of the holidays. Anyway, I've even lost some of my desire to knit which comes with my being down.

But then it becomes reinvigorated again when I think that I should whip up a holiday towel and pot holder set to give to the kind woman at the pantry. And I'll need something for my girlfriend and my son's girlfriend. But the thought of decorating and baking exhausts me. Just trying to locate available food pantries that will serve me has taken its toll and part of the joy out of this season. I always believed that the holidays were the one time of year all of us were assured of some happiness. Just another illusion that has been shattered.

Widow Network

It was a weird week - full of an assortment of ups and downs. Rather than relate them all at once, I'll just start with the one from the beginning of the week, Monday. We were just getting over all the hoopla of Homecoming week when my youngest woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me his brother's foot was bleeding profusely. And it was. Turns out his little toe had somehow been cut while he was asleep and wouldn't stop bleeding. By the time we got to the ER, a bath towel was entirely soaked through - the whole towel. I couldn't believe there was so much blood because there was also a pool of blood around the futon where he sleeps and bloody footprints throughout the floor.

The ER doctor advised, that foot, toe and finger injuries/cuts bleed a great deal. My reasoning for taking him to the hospital was because we had no idea how he had cut his toe and I was worried there may have been something still caught in his skin. Plus there was just so much blood. It was 2:00 in the morning (Tue.) and we were all pretty groggy and not thinking too clearly. But what do you do when your kid wakes up with a foot covered in blood that isn't stopping bleeding?

When we got home, after the bleeding stopped, the cut had been cleaned out and bandaged, I figured out what happened. I saw a slivered groove in the wood of the bookcase next to the futon that my son's foot must have rubbed against.

It was all just kind of a surreal and strange event. In the past years, with two boys playing sports, I've been to the ER more times than I want to recall. Monday night/Tuesday morning I was so drained and tired of it all - the constant having to cope with everything on my own, including mysterious medical emergencies. I need to be there propping up my sons when they need me, but no one is there for me when I'm falling down and needing some propping up myself. I have reached the absolute limit of this widowhood life. No one, should have to shoulder so much on their own for so long. No one!

I did a bit of investigation into whether the friend of my youngest son, whose mom is widowed might be interested in sharing a home in the future, but she responded that she prefers to live alone. My son said he suspects she might be bipolar and that it would not be a good fit for us but I threw caution to the wind and asked anyway, simply because I don't want this life on my own anymore. It at least starts the chain in motion and shows my intention to the Universe.

Even sharing a home with another widow would allow some division of labor, perhaps sharing meal preparation, etc. And it would be far less lonely. But anyway, that is a no go. It got me to thinking about the "olden days" of my youth when divorce was still new and taboo. I remember that when I was in high school (mid-1970s) that two couples in our subdivision got divorced. People were so shocked that they drove by the couples' houses trying to get a glimpse of the divorcees. What happened was that these two women pooled their resources and shared a home together - they had kids around the ages of my sibs and I. I wonder what happened to these women who really in their own way were leaders paving the way for women at that time.

Then I thought of the few other women who I knew from back then, two of whom got divorced, one whom was widowed. All three of these women got remarried immediately. It's funny, but my son's friend's mom has a boyfriend who has asked her repeatedly to marry him and she has refused wanting to remain living alone. And here I am, a woman who longs for remarriage and ends up still on the search for the right guy... Well, we certainly know life sure ain't fair!

I think in earlier times, even 35 years ago, that there were stronger networks in place for women, families were closer and all. I wish there were some kind of widow network in place right now, listing widows who are looking for roommates to share houses, etc. Those two newly divorced moms from 1977 were smart to join forces together. Sometimes it just isn't worth the fight to keep struggling on alone.

Being Brave in a New World

I had assistance navigating the online job boards yesterday at the career center. It took over an hour for me to post my resume and apply for one job. I was struck as I struggled through this, how much job hunting is similar to the grief process. You feel like a fish out of water or trying to swim upstream. It is hard, stressful, tiring and discouraging - two steps forward, one step back. This is not a circumstance any of us signed up for - and for many, it is an unexpected, surreal shock. There are new rules and new ways of doing things as well as even looking at the world. But for a long while, we don't know what these new rules are and we struggle to fit in.

What really hit me was how hard I seem to be resisting change. I haven't seriously had to look for a job in about 10 years. And back then you faxed your resume to a potential employer or used the mail, plus a lot of phone calling. I am not a proficient computer user and am now having trouble figuring out all the online nuances and details. But I just want to do things the old way, the way that was comfortable for me and always got me results. I am floundering in this job market just as I floundered and still flounder with grief. I just want the comfort level of my old world when I knew what fit what and where. Sounds a lot like what I used to say when I would moan, "I just want him back" or "I just want my old life again."

In the end, we're pretty much forced to adapt. We have to resign ourselves to this. After a few weeks on my own and not getting any results with the job search, I sought assistance from a career placement center. Today I am meeting with them again and we'll discuss a job searching plan. Right now I'm in the dark and don't have any real direction on how to proceed.

That's what happened in the end after I was widowed. And again when I was divorced. Just have to dig in my heels and face the world which looks rather intimidating and threatening. The only major difference I see between unemployment and grief is that eventually the unemployment will end because a job somewhere, somehow will come into fruition. But of course, we all know the ending for our grief tales. Our partners are not returning - no tidy and happy endings there.

I am grateful:

1. For low-cost job searching assistance.
2. That the snow that came again is not a blizzard - but we all are sure getting tired of the white stuff.
3. For living in a safe community.
4. For the wide array of skills and experiences I have behind me - it will all come together in the end.
5. That in a week it will be March.

Emotional Isolation

As I start back into the work force, I have been thinking about how my not having worked outside the home in recent years increased my physical isolation. This got me to thinking about the emotional element of isolation as well. I came across the blog of a mom also widowed at the age of 44. She quoted a statistic that only 3% of married people will lose a spouse to death at this age. That small a percentage really got to me!

I've tried obtaining statistics on how many widows/widowers are out there, particularly for the age group of 40-50. I came across the figure of 16% somewhere but that seems pretty high. I'll keep at it for my own satisfaction. I'm trying to prove, I guess, that with all of our medical advances, today there are not that many people dying in mid-life. At age 65, the numbers dramatically increase.

Point being, when you're widowed at this age, there aren't that many other people out there walking in your shoes. And that results in a great sense of emotional isolation. In my personal experience, it has been very frustrating to try and explain the extreme impact of my husband's death to others. Unless these people had experienced death intimately (didn't have to be a spouse) it just always felt as though I was talking to brick wall. People would nod sympathetically, but I could tell they didn't really fully comprehend the depth of my pain. They seemed perplexed. Oftentimes, I'd hear criticism about what I was doing wrong and that always increased my grief. I felt criticized for grieving or that people wanted to take my grief away from me. "Let me at least have my grief," I remember thinking. "Don't rob me of that right too when I've already lost everything most dear to me."

Being unable to convey how you are truly feeling brings forth such desolation at another level. I questioned my sanity. Was there something wrong with me? Why were so many people disapproving of my sorrow? At this point you have two options. 1. Stop expressing your innermost feelings to others because of the discomfort it brings. or 2. Keep doing it and irritating those in your life. Either way ends up with negative consequences.

It is imperative to get out there and connect with others walking this path. Surprisingly, I found very few available grief groups considering I live in such a large area. Some of the groups had disbanded, others focused mainly on the divorced. I did attend such a group where there was one other widow. We had a hard time up against the bitter, divorced moms. We didn't fit in and the overriding belief was that we had it better because our husband's were out of the picture. These moms were dealing with deadbeat guys and spent the two hours bashing them. The poor other widow and I just sat there shaking our heads and crying. We wished to have a guy to be bashing! Even a deadbeat one!

If I had to do it over again, I would have made a more vigilant effort to get involved in a grief group earlier in my widowhood. Walking this road on my own proved to be too daunting for me. I needed the connection and support such a group would bring. What eventually saved me was finding a counselor specializing in grief and life transitions. I had someone I could share with openly and honestly. She validated my experiences and emotions. This is the key - validation. To know that what your are going through and feeling is normal. And that is not possible when you don't have contact with others in the same situation.

Blogging for me has been a lifesaver. As a super busy mom of teen boys with precious little free time, this mode of contact with the outside world has greatly reduced my emotional isolation. To be able to connect with someone else out there who totally understands where I am coming from. To know about someone else's experience and to totally relate because I've been there too (on the exact same page). It would be nice to have someone to go out with for coffee, dinner or a show - a fellow widow or widower. A physical connection ultimately brings more to a relationship. But I'm grateful for the connections I do have in this mode. It is my lifeline as I continue to swim to shore.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The entire blogging experience.
2. That my oldest passed his Chemistry final with a C+ - this was a class we were concerned he would fail! So he passed and will not have to go to summer school!
3. The temperature warm up.
4. Hot, soothing showers.
5. Being forced to slow down in winter. It is a time to reflect and recharge.

Bad Mother Either Way

So I guess this is what I have determined to be the real question here - which one makes me a bad mother?

1. To stay in Ill. so the boys can stay at their existing HS where they are doing well academically and socially as well as in their sports.

or

2. To move out-of-state to a HS the boys are having extreme difficulty adjusting to. They will probably end up not being able to play any sports the duration of HS.

1. If I stay we are poor, to the point of me needing to use food banks for all of our food this month. I do not have the money for food. It is my reality. Even figuring out how I will be able to get some gas will be a challenge.

or

2. If we move, it would be less of a financial struggle and I would feel supported by Sam.

In any case, once I get a job at either location life will be greatly improved. But it will be hard to look for work on my own and then start in with the full-time hours and go with that grind here by myself. It would be far easier to live with Sam while working because there would be two of us on the home front instead of just me. I haven't worked full-time for years.

A lot hinges on how quickly I can find a job. I sit for the CNA certification on 1/14. But regardless, it looks like the month of Jan. would be very lean and mean and cold.

So back to the question. Is it better to keep the boys here where they have the stability of school, friends and community and the unpredictable nature of having to rely on food pantries? Or, better to move the boys where it will screw up their academics and possibly their chances at any sports scholarships for college but at least we will have more food and I'll have the support of Sam?

Which one makes me a worse mother? Knowingly moving into poverty or knowingly screwing up lives so as to avoid poverty? Or will I be a bad mother either way, so at this point does it really matter what I decide?

Too Heavy a Load

Today my CNA instructor made a passing comment to me at the end of the day that I always look so uptight. I did not disagree with her, just replied that I have a lot on my mind right now.

My oldest has flatly refused to move to "that rural, hick town" and he will "find" someone here to live with.

I have received estimates from two moving companies and one of those POD storage/delivery container companies. The $2,300.00 moving company estimate is not affordable for us. The POD container is about $1,000.00 but I'd need to do all the packing and loading on my own. Also, I'm not sure my apartment complex will let me have one of the containers in the parking lot.

GF reminded me again this afternoon that he will not be able to assist with the move financially or physically. When I told him that we cannot afford the moving charges, he ominously replied that I cannot afford to move but if I don't move I risk losing everything when they put my belongings out on the street because I get evicted. I got pretty upset with him, asking what does he expect me to do? He does not want to ask for time off because he is new to the job. Then he said he has been working seven days in a row (as am I, as well as going to school and parenting). He will not charge a portion of the moving expenses on his credit card becasue he wants to keep an available credit line open in case he needs to pay for something for his home here in Illinois since it is supposed to be rented out in Dec. To me it sure seems as he isn't really that keen on having us move with him or he'd be demonstrating his support in some way/any way!

I suggested for example that he come on whatever day he has off in the near future with one of those trucks from BUDGET and we'd do the moving ourselves. He got out of that by saying he dosn't know when his next day off will be because the holidays are coming and he is in training.

GF said that maybe in a few months when he has received some paychecks he can help me. Gee, I thought we were supposed to get married. To me that means working together on solutions instead of making someone feel as thought they're handling and bearing all of the load. After school today I faxed the potential new school the enrollment forms so at least they can draft up schedules since both schools are off the entire week of Thanksgiving. But at this point who even knows what is going on.

I have fantasy visions of taking an entire bottle of Zanax (that is how high my tension feels right now) but I'm not even sure that would reduce the anxiety and fear I am feeling

Picked up my youngest from track practice and was met with the usual surliness and "You're a douche bag" insults. I'm pretty fed up with that. Basically a day where I've taken it from all ends while still trying to hang in there. But I do feel a bit resentful over what I perceive as doing ALL the work and trying to move toward a better life for all of us. And that includes the boys even though they might not realize that, as well as GF.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Chili Mac
2. Christmas decorations going up
3. The Salvation Army Bell ringing
4. Bright colored gloves
5. Scarves, scarves, scarves! I love them all year but can finally really wear them now!

Poor Poor Pitiful Me

I was on the phone on hold and heard the Linda Ronstadt version of this song. I really liked the chorus: "Poor, poor, pitiful me, Poor. poor, pitiful me, Lord have mercy on me, Woe is me, Woe is me." Pretty appropriate for my life right now. I was on the line trying to find someone to work for me next Mon. which is the review for my Certified Nursing Assistant program final exam. I really can't miss that but am scheduled to work 9-3. So I have to find someone to work this shift. I'm still waiting to see if someone can pick it up for me out of the people working tonight.

This week I am working every day I'm not at class or at clinical. My job is tiring because I am on my feet all day. Somehow I need to squeeze in studying and caring for the boys. This Sat. I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 a.m. because I'd worked until 11 and didn't get home until almost midnight. I only got 3 hours of sleep because I had to get up at 4:30 to work my clinical hours which started at 6:45.

On top of all this I am trying to figure out how I can move the boys and I, 200 miles out of state by Nov. 30th without any physical or financial help from GF. So this afternoon after work spent some time on the phone getting moving estimates. It is not looking good. Estimates are coming in at $2,000.00, which I cannot afford. On the phone with GF today, I asked him what does he expect me to do here? We both have no money, although he still has a house that will be rented out hopefully in Dec. - although the rental income will need to go toward the mortgage. He just started a new job and hasn't even received his first paycheck. He does not want to cash in his 401K until Jan. to avoid the $3,000.00 penalty. GF's work days off are Tue. and Thur. and next Thur. is Thanksgiving.

Okay I understand all that. But again, really what am I supposed to do here? If you want me to move with the boys I have to have some help. It is so hard to keep figuring all of this out on my own. I am struggling to study, work and parent on my own. I am tired, functioning on little sleep and have to waste my time trying to get someone to work my hours at a job that has pretty much been more trouble than it has been worth.

I am trying to brainstorm - should I just put all the furniture and my belongings in another storage shed and get them moved when finances improve? Should GF rent a truck and the two of us with the boys try to move on our own as I did with him two weekends ago? Do I tell him that he has to help me, I just can't handle/figure this out on my own? Can I demand that of someone? Is it too much to ask?

On the phone he told me that he doesn't know what to do either but together we will work it out. That sounded pretty good to me but it still doesn't solve the logistics of this situation. He added that once I've moved things will improve financially but if I stay, I face eviction if I can't make my rent which is pretty scary for me. At least we'll have a roof over our heads if we move.

But we just can't fly there like fairies and I don't think it is fair for me to just up and depart, leaving an apartment full of our personal belongings. So we need a plan and help and support.
Poor, poor, pitiful me. Lord have mercy on me. Woe is me.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful list to study.

I am not strong or invincible!

Right now I do not want to hear those platitudes about being a strong woman and doing everything by myself. Guess what? I've been there and done that for six long years now (eight if you count the years my husband was really sick and mostly hospitalized) and I just am worn out. I can't do this anymore! The only reason I am is because I have to. I have been "only" parenting since the boys were just seven and eight - they are now 15 and 16. That is a long time to be bearing such a load on one's shoulders

Right now the apartment is still in chaos. It is physically making me sick. Today at work I had to leave 10 minutes early with a migraine - I also felt as though I would faint. Who is telling married women to hang in there and do it all on their own? I get the badge of being a widow as well as the tedium of having to parent, cook, clean, work and survive on my lonesome. This move has been the straw breaking the camel's back. I don't have the energy, stamina or strength to keep this up anymore. I've reached my limit - six years of widowhood.

There are assistants out there to help everyone else - nurses for doctors (even aides for the nurses); paralegals for attorneys; aides for teachers; secretaries for corporate people; asst. mgrs. for managers; prep cooks for the chefs; junior editors for editors - I could go on more with this list but you get the idea. Where the hell on this list is any assistant or helper for the distraught/overworked widowed mom - the widowed middle-aged mom in the middle of her widowhood?

Today I am grateful:

1. For firefighters.
2. For paramedics/EMTs.
3. For police officers.
4. For the U.S. flag.
5. For laundry baskets. (Life is pretty dim when this is the best you can come up with).

Asking for Help

Grieving people should not be expected to ask for help - it is an unreasonable and unfair demand. I remember in the first weeks of my widowhood reading in a couple of grief manuals to ask specifically for what I wanted/needed. My thought was "Now I have to do this too?" Another job to add to the already large pile of tasks I still have to get through - completing insurance/medical paperwork, figuring out the finances, arranging the funeral/memorial services, dealing with my grief, parenting young sons also grieving... At that time having to ask for help felt like an intrusion and almost a slap to my face. But I went ahead and did it anyway. The results were far from what the grief books predicted. Instead of people saying sure they'd do this or that for me, I experienced the complete opposite with the people I asked refusing to do what I'd requested!

Here is an example (one of many and I'll only relate this one). My husband died on Oct. 25th. We live on a heavily wooded, double lot. Come fall, there is a lot of leaf raking to get through. A mom at the boy's school called me about a week after the death to bring a group of parents and kids over to do the raking. I didn't want it done for a number of reasons. For one, it was very early in the grief process for me and even the thought of a bunch of people in my yard raking was something I could not handle - I needed solitude and privacy. I kept thinking that people would need to come in to use the bathrooms and would I need to provide drinks/hot chocolate for the kids? I just couldn't handle the intrusion and at the same time wanted to do all of the raking myself. It had been a job my husband and I had shared for 11 years together and I wanted to do it with him "by my side" one last time. The thought of the physical strain/exercise in the cold autumn air appealed to me greatly.

Even though I owed this woman absolutely no explanation, I tried to explain all of these thoughts after a number of days fretting about it. She didn't seem to understand my reasoning - in fact, she was taken aback. I remember offering her some other options of how she might assist me but it seemed as though all that she wanted to do was the raking. She was so pleased with herself for making the offer. So, after a number of times being similarly shot down, I just stopped asking and did what needed to be done by myself.

Suggestions for offering assistance to the grieving:

1. Go ahead and bake that casserole but remember to bake another at the six-month, year and year and a half anniversary marks too. Support pretty much seems to dry up after the first three months and I found that I needed it the most long after the early grief period. None of us had an appetite until after the first three months anyway. You don't know how much I longed for those casseroles a year later when we were eating again and I was working and struggling to juggle being an only parent!
2. Ask what you can specifically do and offer your assistance. Many of us have great difficulty requesting help. Don't wait for the griever to ask - offer it and be on the ready to say "yes" even though it is not what you might have expected doing.
3. If the griever has children, offer to take the kids to an event, activity or even to babysit a night or too. Another school mom ended up doing the nicest thing for us when she called at Christmas and offered to take my two boys with hers to the new Disney movie out. It was a rare escape from our painful reality for all of us.
4. Gift cards to local restaurants were very much appreciated because I could use them later on. It was also nice for all of us to have a night out because it forced us to do so.
5. Although we got a ton of sympathy cards in the beginning, it would have been so nice to have received a message of support later on in the mail.
6. Wine is always good to give if the griever does not have an objection.
7. JUST LISTEN - refrain from offering advice.
8. Gifts such as a certificate for a massage or pedicure would be unexpected but a nice change of pace from the casseroles.
9. I also would have loved anything homemade involving chocolate! Candy would have been a close second.
10. One day I came home to find the gift of a hand-knitted prayer/comfort shawl on my doorstep - that was a lovely surprise!

My guy friend is currently estranged from his only living close relative (his older sister) whom failed to contact him in any way during the painful period of his divorce. He finds her behavior unforgivable at this point.

11. All she needed to do was send him an email or call him with the message of "I'm thinking of you and am so sorry for what you are going through."


Today I am grateful:

1. That it is raining because it forces everyone to slow down a little.
2. That I have the day off from work.
3. For a day to catch up on laundry, knit a little and just be.
4. That we have had enough food to eat.
5. That we have health insurance (although it is costing a pretty penny).

The "Widow Card"

Yesterday I got a call from a domestic violence shelter that is interested in having me do some volunteer work for them. The woman calling asked me when I could come in for an orientation. Although I am flattered at their interest, this is not something I am jumping up and down to add to my life right now. I've done a lot of volunteer work in my past and I feel now is the time I need to be concentrating on earning some regular income. However, that is not the point to this story.

I told the woman I would not be able to come in this week because it is Spring Break for us and I need to be around for my kids. She didn't accept this answer and kept pressing me to come in for a meeting. I finally had to pull out what I refer to as "the widow card." I firmly replied that as a widow I am on my own and it can be difficult to schedule things. I then told her that I did not want to have to make an appointment to have to cancel it because of something that may come up with one of the boys.

This exchange brought to mind similar situations in the past where I've been put on the spot or pressured to conform to someone else's schedule with no regard to the difficulties I face as an "only parent." In the early days of my widowhood, I very much felt that I was always on the outside but having to shift all the obstacles facing me to fit in with everyone living on the inside. I often felt that no one ever made concessions for me and I always had to be the one trying to keep up. For example, carpooling - I was always expected in my circle of parents to drive as much as the two parent families. It is only since Husband #2 filed for divorce that I have had the strength and sense to start refusing to play this game. I make it clear that I can only drive one way or not at all.

I'm not sure why it has been so hard for people in my circles to put their feet in my shoes. I know I live in an upscale community and perhaps the people here are more self-centered than in other places. And I also think that some of it is that widows my age are in the minority - there are so few of us in my community that people don't know any. But come on, give me a break here. It is impossible for me to function as a mom would in a two person household - yet the same requirements are expected of me unless I speak up and say no. It just would be nice once in awhile for someone to offer me a break without me having to explain why I can't do something or other. In my mind it is obvious - I'm one person doing the work of two. But I guess for people who haven't faced my life, it is not something they can actually conceptualize.

I hope that when I enlighten people by saying no or explaining why I can't do something, that I am paving the way for others in my situation and expanding the understanding of those still lucky to be happily married.

Today I am grateful:

1. For having a place to vent, process and work out my feelings about widowhood, divorce and life.
2. For others who have the strength to blog about their experiences so I can gain from their perspectives.
3. That I have gotten up and am facing the day.

Out of bath tissue (t.p.)!!!

We have run out of bath tissue and still have to get to the end of the month before I can make grocery purchases. The roll I got from the food pantry last Thursday is long gone. Luckily, this morning I found a box of facial tissues that I'd purchased for one of the boys to take to school and felt grateful that we have something to use as a substitute. This is all so sad. My oldest was off from school today with a sore throat and as he looked around the kitchen for something to eat for lunch he said, "We are really cleaned out. It has never been this bad." Seriously, my refrigerator is empty and the cabinets are fast being depleted. We are having to use up all the stuff I bought that I shouldn't have - you know, items that appeared to be a great deal but upon getting home you realize that no one in the house really likes it and so the box of whatever sits in the pantry until NOW! Yeah! Part of me wants to feel grateful that there are still food items to eat but I'm not really looking forward to tonight's entree of canned chicken stew with biscuit topping.

I think the real problem is not having a choice. We are forced to eat the less desirable pantry items instead of being able to have something more appealing. There is no say in the matter and that adds to feeling worse/bitter about the circumstances.

I went back to the food pantry today to apply for emergency food stamps but was denied, I am assuming because our pension income is too high. (I'll get a letter of explanation in a few days.) So after paying the mortgage, we have about $300.00 left from the monthly pension. Even with the monthly spousal support check of $700.00 I receive from Husband #2, we are in the red and there is not enough left to afford food. My utilities are $500.00, credit card payments $400.00, cell phone charges $200.00, etc. I recently read that the average family spends $800.00 a month on food - I'd be happy to have half of that!

Today I am thankful:

1. That somehow we've almost made it through the worst month of winter and I do know that we'll survive these last few days.
2. That it is only four more days until February!
3. For just having made it through today - sometimes that is the most you can expect of yourself and that alone is enough.

The Food Pantry

After resisting as long as possible, I finally visited the local food pantry. The experience was of course humbling and trying. I had to wait for 45 minutes or so and passed the time helping a woman practice her crochet stitches. There were a number of other nice women I spoke with, all offering hints and the names of other pantries to a first timer like myself. I was the best dressed person there having decided I would wear work clothes to present a positive image about myself. I held it together fairly well until entering the warehouse type room where I would select my food. It was then that I burst into tears all the while thinking I would never have thought that things would come to this.

Here is a list of the items I received. All in all disappointing. Not much selection and the fresh fruit and vegetables were moldy. I actually felt nauseous, even for some hours after getting home (just the whole experience and the poor quality of food).

Bread items:
Family size box of low fat Triscuits; 14 oz. box Corn CHEX cereal; 32 oz. spaghetti; tuna noodle dinner mix (off brand - never heard of it); 7.25 oz. KRAFT mac & cheese; 16 oz. bag long grain white rice; frozen slices of garlic bread (looked like from a restuarant); loaf of Butternut honey wheat bread expiration 1/24; Trader Joe's wheat hot dog buns expiration 1/22); Trader Joe's uncut loaf of crusty bread expiraton not marked; Trader Joe's Everything bagels expiration 1/21; Voortman Chunky Chip Chocolate Chip Cookies expiration 10/24/08.

Canned Goods (unless noted all cans are off brands):
Large can orange juice; tuna in water; 1 can diet soda (yes only one can); 2 cans unsweetened applesauce (unsweetened doesn't go over too well in our house even with me); 2 cans Green Giant cut green beans; 1 can corn; can sliced pickled beets; 1 small can tomato sauce; can tomatoes for chili; jar turkey gravy; can of cream of chicken soup; can of vegetable soup; can of pure pumpkin; can peaches; can pears; grape jelly (you could take a jar of peanut butter or jelly but not both).

Produce:
1 apple (we were told to only take one); 3 bananas (again told I could have three); 1 bag carrots, 10 red potatoes.

Meat:
Trader Joe's salmi & cheese tray expiration 1/21; frozen package of turkey lunchmeat with 11/08 expiration.

Misc.
1 roll t.p.
2 peanut granola bars

You are allowed to visit this panty once a month. Obviously no one could live for a month on the items received today. In fact, except for the can of tuna and box of tuna noodle helper, there wasn't anything that would comprise an entire meal. No spaghetti sauce to go with the spaghetti, etc. Actually what is making me feel the most ill is the prospect of eating food I don't know where is from or how soon it was frozen. For this reason I am going to toss the garlic bread and the turkey lunchmeat. I served the cheese from the cheese tray tonight with crackers and soup figuring 1 day past expiration is o.k. for cheese but I would not serve the salami. It is bothering me to even let the boys eat the cookies from 10/08. It is just the thought that this is all old food that has been sitting around.

I figured up the approximate cost of these food items to be around $40.00 but some are things I never would have bought in the first place. I was disappointed there was no laundry soap or other cleaning items like paper towels which I really need.

I also went to a job fair today and registered at another job counseling agency. I was applying for a "part-time, part-time job" of just 10 hours a week with a rate of pay of $10.00 per hour and no benefits or insurance. This was an entry level position geared for students in social work and psychology. Yet I saw other middle-aged clinicians male and female with master's degrees applying just as I. A bit depressing. I overheard someone say that the market is saturated with clinicians of my level and there are just not enough jobs to go around. Then later I spoke with the real estate paralegal about information she needed as well as my divorce attorney at length about trying to negotiate a settlement prior to mediation, etc. After my day I was just exhausted and drained! Wanting to just go to bed and hide under the covers. And another deep freeze is moving in - oh joy!

Today I am thankful:
1. That until today I never had to visit a food pantry and I pray there will not be many more times.
2. That I will never again think negative thoughts about a person in front of me at the store using federal assistance to purchase food.
3. That my children look at this time as an adventure rather than as something shameful.