Wine Tasting

I haven't been much of a drinker the past seven years. Not that I don't enjoy a mixed drink before dinner or a glass of wine with dinner. And there were fun times when I got a bit tipsy during a night on the town with the girls. It is just that when my husband died, I became worried about being the sole provider for the boys and concerned about possible DUIs so I limited my drinking when I was out to only one and always with food. Then of course, I wasn't socializing that much anyway.

I suppose I could have indulged at home but I always felt that I needed to have as many of my wits about me caring for the boys 24/7. The last couple of days, however, I've had a craving for a glass of wine in the evening. Maybe it is that the days are getting shorter and colder. Or that I want to feel a bit more relaxed and mellow even beyond what my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds are providing.

So I took the big step and picked up a bottle of my favorite red, Cabernet Sauvignon at ALDI for the big cost of $2.99 a bottle. NEVER in my life have I purchased such a cheap bottle of wine but I see a lot of people buying it and there is a cute winking owl on the label which is the name brand.

Got home all excited about trying my cheap bottle of wine with my cheap comfort food dinner. This is what I always make when I need a comfort food dinner: mix a can of cream of chicken soup, 1/3 cup sour cream, cooked frozen vegetables and chopped cooked turkey or chicken in a baking pan. Top with prepared Stove Top Dressing and bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. There is never any left when I make this and the cost = about $3.50 total, only about $1.25 per person!

But after all the big build up, I couldn't find my cork screw! So the taste test is delayed until tomorrow when I can run to the dollar store for a new one. I will provide a rating.

I suppose the other insight from this post has to do with how much widowhood changes us. Habits we used to engage in regularly vanish from our lives. Widowhood truly impacts and influences us in so many ways at so many levels. My wine drinking habits, just a minor example - sometimes it blows my mind how my widowhood has so deeply affected me. Finally, buying this inexpensive bottle of wine is something I did for myself - a small measure of self-nurturing and care.

Weary Winter Widowhood

We are under a winter storm advisory for the next 40 hours! This morning wasn't too bad dropping the boys off at school, although there was an accident near the high school. There always seem to be those on days like this. Poor, inexperienced teen drivers going off the road and hitting the signs of businesses. This car's whole front end was crushed.

As I was driving with the snow coming down I thought about how these winter storms are similar to widowhood. The first time one hits in late November or early December, there is a sense of resolve and strength is facing the novelty of it. Getting through it one thinks, "Now that wasn't so bad. I did it. We made it through!" But by the time you're on the fourth or fifth snowstorm, some of that optimism and courage has faded. "Not this again! I can't bear another one of these. When will spring be here?"

Another factor in battling the storm of widowhood is that one has to face the challenging elements on one's own, when in the past they were faced with a partner. Then, to top that off the widowed are in various stages of grieving. So add into the mix having to cope and carry on while being depressed and/or hopeless. We're tired and not thinking too clearly, yet we're plunged into a situation where we need to remain alert and exert ourselves physically. No wonder as the weeks go by we become even more depleted while those around us expect us to be stronger!

Having to keep running on empty is a good description here. The novelty has definitely worn off.

The untouched will come back with wisdom such as "Hang in there. Spring is coming. It is just around the corner." But the snow falling just seems to represent more of an avalanche to me. I feel like I am being buried alive. I've been through a number of winters and springs now. Yes, the spring returns but eventually so do the snowstorms. This is becoming more depressing than I'd thought it would. Sorry for the discouraging imagery.

I tried to plan for this winter onslaught by doing my running around yesterday. The nursing home facility I visited and applied at actually expressed some interest in hiring me. But the big boss wasn't there so they couldn't make an offer. I knew that I'd be cooped up inside today and have given myself permission to take some time off to knit a heart as a decoration for the door. I will bake a chocolate chip coffee cake for the boys. Tonight I am making a dinner I always make on snow days. Pure comfort food and it will use those 99 cent chicken cutlets I just bought. You mix a box of Stove Top Stuffing with the turkey or chicken, add sour cream, a can of cream of chicken soup and some frozen vegetables. Bake at 350 - the recipe can be located at Stove Top's web site. It also used to be on the back of the box but since I am only buying off-brand items these days I'm not sure if it is still there!

I am making this dish for myself since the boys aren't that fond of it. It is comfort food I enjoy. I am giving myself some scheduled time off today to knit because I know I am depleted, tired and have reached a point where the snowstorms are making me a little stir crazy! I suppose that is the moral of this winter tale. We have no choice but to face the snow falling. Spring is still pretty far off in the distance. Until it arrives, it is up to us to carve out little pockets of thaw in our lives in whatever ways we can. For me, that involves cooking, baking, food, reading and knitting.
For all of those who are facing winter snowstorms that were never predicted and blew into your life with such force and intensity you were knocked off your feet, you have my sympathy and compassion as we all pick up our snow shovels to face the blinding winds yet another time!

Today I am grateful:

1. For snow plows.
2. For meteorologists.
3. For the National Weather Service.
4. For weather predictions so accurate they can advise you when the first flakes will actually start falling.
5. For instant stuffing mix and all other convenience foods someone had to invent way back that do make our lives easier.

Comfort Within Winter's Wrath

The freezing rain that was predicted hasn't arrived and I am almost giddy with relief! Part of the strain of widowhood is having to face less than desirable weather conditions on one's own. A big part of it for me is not knowing there is someone there for me to bail me out of some sort of weather-related jam, such as getting stuck in a snowdrift or having a flat tire on some deserted road in a snowstorm. As a result, I am always operating one step ahead so to speak. When driving somewhere, I plan the route ahead of time based on my concerns. Sometimes it has involved waking up at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning to start shoveling out the driveway. I always have to have a backup plan in my pocket. But of course the backup plan doesn't just magically appear there - it has to be thought out involving extra time and energy. I have come to find that my widowhood involves living in an anticipatory state much like the fight or flight response to danger. I have to always be on alert and aware of whatever possible dangers out there exist. And with the threat of icy rain, there are numerous ones. So now that this danger has hopefully subsided I can let down my guard a bit, breathe a sigh of relief and relax a little.

It has been the everyday aspects of living that have worn me down and caused me the most distress. Looking back, the grieving part of my husband's death was far easier to handle. I think that is what a lot of people miss or don't consider. We all focus on the taxing work of grief and make it our priority. But the constant drain of living on one's own and just making it though week after week exerts a tremendous toll on one's overall physical health and spiritual well- being. I know that winter is a particularly grueling time for me and my spirit becomes reborn with the first signs of spring!

Yesterday I needed to come up with a quick and cheap dinner. I had two cans of tuna in the pantry and needing some retro comfort food to the max decided to fix my mom's 1960s tuna casserole, which she used to make us for lunch. The recipe had to be the original - no fancy additions of sugar snap peas, marinated red pepper or even noodles or cheese.

1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can tuna
1/3 cup milk
1 cup cooked peas
2 chopped hard boiled eggs
1 cup crushed potato chips for topping

Mix all ingredients except chips and put into lightly greased pan, baking at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Then add chip topping and bake another 10 minutes.

I doubled the recipe and served with extra chips and peas on the side along with biscuits. My sons, not thrilled with the prospect of tuna casserole for dinner polished off all of it. We ate while celebrating the fact that my oldest has been nominated to participate in a contest for the males at this school based on the Miss America concept. There is a fashion show and talent portion involved. My youngest said his track coach thinks he can beat the current school record for one of his events this year.

Today I am grateful:

1. For retro tuna casserole.
2. That my sons are being recognized for their talents and abilities.
3. That my sons are being challenged to achieve at higher levels.
4. That the freezing rain didn't show up!
5. That I have made it through more days of January than are now left in the month!

Staying In As The Snow Falls

We are having ANOTHER winter storm here, SIGH, which is supposed to continue through tomorrow. It is a day for hunkering down and staying in. On days like these I like to have something in the oven going to boost up the heat and to make our home smell more warm and cozy. Last night, I baked banana bread from a box of cake mix I had on hand. I had wanted to use up some bananas and didn't want to put in much effort. One review of the recipe, which I found online, said that the first loaf of the bread was eaten by the family in one day. Well, I will top that. My boys ate one of the loaves within an hour! I didn't believe the reviews which raved about the recipe but it is very moist and good. Almost as good as my real banana bread made from scratch!

Cheap, Easy, Fun Banana Bread

1 box yellow cake mix
3 - 5 ripe bananas (I used 4)
1/3 cup vegetable oil (you can also use 1 cup of apple sauce if that is what is on hand)
3 eggs
optional - 1 cup chocolate chips, which we add to everything I bake

Mix all ingredients well, pour into two loaf pans coated with cooking spray and bake at 350 degrees for approximately 45 minutes (start checking on bread at 35 minutes).

I also made a new recipe for chili last night, which was a nice change of pace since I make a lot of chili over the winter - once a week.

Sloppy Joe Chili

1 cup chopped onion
2 T. Chili powder (at least - I always use more)
1 lb. ground turkey or beef
1 can Sloppy Joe sauce
1 can drained kidney beans
3 cups hot cooked white rice

Brown onions and chili powder with cooking spray. Cook meat and drain. Stir in Sloppy Joe sauce and beans, heating for about 5 minutes. Serve chili over rice and top with cheese, sour cream and more chili powder. I always serve corn with chili. We don't usually eat chili with rice and it was surprisingly tasty.

I am taking advantage of being able to stay in and putter. We're supposed to get at least 7 inches of snow. This is kind of my last fling, since I'll be seriously searching for work as soon as I take the Nursing Asst. state exam next Sat. I am trying to be as cheap as possible in terms of feeding us but want to be preparing some more creative entrees focusing on what is in the pantry.

I have a large can of Bartlet pears and some applesauce so today's mission will be to see what I can come up with to use those. I still have some bananas left and might try the above recipe using a box of chocolate cake mix. I love to cook and bake and really have not done it since having to pack up and move from the house. Things seem to be settling in a bit or maybe I am just ready to try and make life more settled. For me that has always involved cooking and baking and I am finding it a creative challenge to come up with cheap and flavorful dishes.

Our place still smells so good from last night's meal and banana bread. I want to try and keep up this effort and momentum. It makes a difference. My oldest came in last night from studying with his girlfriend and the first words out of his mouth were how good it smelled when he opened the door. We all need more of those simple moments.

Hungry Holidays Ho Ho Ho

It was my son's 17th birthday this week. I was unable to get him anything. That fact has broken my heart. He asked me for $5.00 to add to the $5.00 he had so he could look for a winter coat at the Goodwill store. His search was unsuccessful. While we were snowbound at the new home, there was no school for three days and on Thur. we were all stir crazy. My oldest went with us to look for a coat at TJ Maxx. He found one for $40.00 and Sam got it for him along with some new headphones since his had broken. Then at Walmart, Sam got my son a Packers t-shirt to wear to tomorrow's game, and an inexpensive pair of gloves and hat. The night before Sam brought home an ice cream cake and treated the boys to Taco Bell. So I want to believe that my son had a birthday of sorts. He received a few things. Not much and some were necessities. It hurts the most that I was unable to shop and get him anything.

While we were at Walmart I found a decent looking jacket for only $7.00. I wanted my son to get it and then we'd return the $40.00 one from TJ Maxx. I truly thought it looked warm and sufficient. Sam agreed with my son that we should keep the more expensive one. I regretted that we'd gone to TJ Maxx first. If we'd gone to Walmart first my son would have probably been satisified with the jacket there. It kind of amazed me that I was in this Walmart (a store I rarely set foot in when my husband was alive), regretting the non-purchase of a $7.00 jacket! Who would ever have believed this would be my reality following my husband's death? Pinching and counting pennies out of necessity. Being unable to afford birthday or Christmas gifts for my sons.

I know this low point is just temporary. Once I start working life will improve. But while we're here it is such a low point to be. I feel dragged and sucked under the poverty, worry and anxiety. I am becoming obsessed with food again. I am not eating much, throwing whatever odds and ends can be put together and concentrating on feeding the boys. They seem to have stomachs that are bottomless. Everyone seems to be hungry. There is food at Sam's - nothing fancy but at least filling. I am here back at home for the weekend wishing I'd taken some from his home because our kitchen is bare. But the boys were so anxious to leave I didn't. I figured we could make it a couple days.

I have a vision of a Christmas tree just filled with food. Do you know the ones that they sometimes display hung with sugar cookies or gingerbread men? Two years ago I hung a tree in my kitchen just filled with gingerbread men. I used a glue gun to fasten red ribbon bows as hangers. It was very cute. Now I imagine a tree filled with ribboned chocolate covered pretzels. And those little chocolate ball and santa ornaments. And loads of sugar cookie angels and bells to keep company with the gingerbread men. I think I could be creative and come up with some other food items to hand up there too - candy canes, popcorn garlands...

My son told me today he feels down about not having any money to afford gifts for his friends. Last year I knit and crocheted some things for his then girlfriend - a pink scarf and ski band. I will offer to do that again. Maybe I can come up with something for his buddies - key chains or a wrist band. It is pretty lame I know. Needless to say I am not in much of a holiday mood and do not have much holiday cheer or spirit. I just want this absolute miserable year to be over - the year of my divorce and losing my home.

"Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Your Life."

What a crazy week it has been getting here.

Mon. 11/23 - Schedulded for work since I normally had this day off from school. But because of Thanksgiving on Thur., the school switched Thursday's class to Monday. So I was in a panic to find someone to work for me, which I thankfully did so I could go to class.

Tue. 11/24 - Attended class which was mainly a review for the final but also a pot luck party which I really enjoyed. It is sad to say that we are skimping on food so much that being able to eat nice food at a pot luck or party is such a treat! I am not ashamed to go back for seconds.

Wed. 11/25 - Got a 92% on the final exam. It as one of the highest scores. I made 3 silly errors that I should have gotten right. Came home to work on the storage shed consolidation. Got son haircut.

Thur. 11/26 - Thanksgiving. Had two helpings of dinner and a small slice of pumpkin and apple pie. Ditto my comment about having an opportunity to partake of a nice meal. The day went very well with my family but there is stress involved with such get-togethers. The night was cold and rainy but I still tried to work at the storage shed. Because of computer glitch I could not gain entry but maybe that was for the best.

Fri. 11/27 - Put in an eight-hour shift cashiering Black Friday at the big box store. They did provide a nice lunch for everyone (cold cuts, cheeses, chips, dip, veggies, fruit, potato salad, cookies, cake, pop). Again, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this meal, especially the fruit. I took some home with me. After work, my close girlfriend treated me to dinner out. We both got fried chicken salads with soup and I saved half my salad for Sat. I am finding that the poorer I have become, the more food means to me. And that is a sad observation to be aware of! Gave my manager notice and he requested two weeks. I asked for a transfer to a local store near the town we are moving to but not sure of the liklihood.

Sat. 11/28 - Finished moving the contents of one 11 x 30 shed into another. Now I only have two sheds - an 11 x 30 and an 11 x 20. Before I was paying $600.00 monthly for the three sheds which of course is impossible to afford. Trouble was, after working an exhausting Black Friday, the strain of moving things at the shed left me physically exhausted! Plus, I ran out of room and ended up taking the excess to the apartment. So the apartment is overstuffed with a bike in the kitchen and so on. I figure we are not going to be living there so what does it matter? Had to work from 5-11 p.m. Just very tired.

Sun. 11/29 - Went to my final school clinical at the nursing home on only four hours of sleep (but that is how it has been the past five weeks since I have worked Sat. nights until closing). Got the highest score on the final clinical exam (90%) but again made silly errors. Class let out early and I'd hoped to get an earlier start with driving to our new home but my oldest was with his girlfriend and not being cooperative. I did go to the apartment rental office to give notice of my intent to move. Breaking my lease early will result in some costly charges but the rental company will work with me to pay them off over a monthly time frame. We are looking at $2,000.00! From there it was a mad dash packing up things for a week's stay. There hadn't been time to organize earlier in the week so our packing was of the throw it all in bags strategy. Both boys were exceedingly rude and nasty to me during the afternoon and for about three-quarters of the four-hour drive. Basically, they blamed me for having to move since I haven't been able to get a full-time job, threatend to not do their homework, refused to particpate in sports, claimed they would not speak to anyone ever at the new school, that sort of thing. I know they are upset with the move so I tried to bear it but my resolve was running thin and I told them that I will not tolerate disrespect, etc. The little restaurant we like to stop at half-way was closed so we just grabbed some McDonald's which we ate in the car. We got in about 8:45. My sister kindly called me to see how we were doing. She mentioned that my brother told her how much he likes GF (even more than Husband #1 and Husband #2. I felt a little bad about that because Husband #1 isn't here anymore but I tried to take it as a compliment about GF who really is about as decent a guy as you can get).

Mon. Today 11/30 - We escorted the boys to the guidance office at 7:30 but left as we were the only parents there. GF and I then went to Walmart for groceries. We came home and handled financial matters, e.g. making an appointment to transfer my car/life insurance over to GF's new local agent, etc. We also made a truck reservation for me this weekend so I can clear out the smaller storage shed since I have to go back to work on Sat. night anyway and I'll bring the boys with me so they can see their friends while I am at work. We'll put the contents of that shed into the garage here where I can finally have a chance to get through it once and for all! A lot of it is from my parent's home from the sale of their house two years ago. It will be so wonderful to knock the monthly expense of two of the storage sheds off. As it is now, we will have a very tight month financially this December which is so sad bcause it is the most magical month of the year. And we've had such meager holidays the past two years (I heard about that too from the boys). I hope we will be able to get them something. As long as I can have some nice food here in the house for everyone I will be happy.

Now the boys are still at school and GF at work. I am bracing up for hearing an earful when they come home. It is a bit surreal that I am sitting in a living room of a home that I will now be residing in. GF said goodnight to me last night by saying, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." I was way too tired to make any witty replies. I am grateful to be sitting here in a home again with groceries in the pantry. Enough for the entire week. I am glad I took the Certified Nursing Asst. class. If I don't get hired for a social services job I will seek employment at a nursing home. It all could be worse. The sun is out and the tidy neighborhood we live in is quiet and peaceful. GF will come home this evening and my sons will be here. We will be safe, sound and sheltered. The boys have their pick of soup and a grilled cheese or two with carrot sticks, sloppy joes with tater tots and corn, spaghetti with garlic bread or Enchilladas for dinner. Cheap and filling.

No one has starved. We somehow made it. It hasn't been easy. I remain terribly worried about finances and must find a job as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will take some downtime with getting the smaller storage shed moved and then we have to focus on moving out the contents of the apartment. I will go back home to take the state CNA certification exam in mid-Jan. In fact, since I had to give a 60-day notice with the apt., we will go back over Christmas break for one week so the boys can be with their friends.

What I dreaded so much was the move to the apartment. But we all got through that and in the end, it was certainly not as bad as what I'd anticipated in my mind. The constant shuffling around and moving of my possesions from such a big home to a smaller place has been the real pain. All in all, we only spent 2 1/2 months living in the apartment. And already we've moved onward and upward.

But the most amazing piece of all of this for me is to have truly fallen to the lowest financial level I have ever been. Once the rent and bills are paid this month there is NOTHING left for food. And I am not even sure if there will be enough for all the bills. If GF hadn't been here for us I'm not sure what would have happened. I feel as though he has saved us. It is hard to describe in words how I really feel inside. To know that you have fallen to the bottom of a long and dark basement staircase. But thankfully someone helps you up, turns on the light and starts guiding you back up the stairs. We could have spent a long time in a musty, damp, dank basement. By a stroke of luck or a miracle or both, our time on the basement floor was very brief. As soon as we fell, we were picked right back up. There that describes it perfectly. To be picked up at the exact moment of hitting the bottom. That is what it feels like to me. If that isn't getting saved, I don't know what is.

Muffins & Continued Rage

Both boys are out tonight, each with their group of friends. So here I am in the same situation (alone & sad). Moving to a new place did not change this aspect of my life. I went to Walmart to buy a microwave as ours conked off right before the move. The cheapest one there was $50.00 so I headed over to Target to see if I could do better. They had one for $41.99 on clearance. It was originally a $65.00 model so the better deal. I spent a little time wandering the store and felt furious at all the intact families I saw shopping and the moms and daughters together. I started to think of mean things to say to some of these people (pretty out of character). For instance, to a woman with hair down to her bottom I wanted to say, "Cut your hair, it is too long." To smokers I saw, I wanted to say, "Your habit is disgusting and you need to quit!" Just that sort of thing. Of course I am jealous and envious of those who are not alone. I know my boys would not be out shopping with me at their ages but if I were married I'd be with my husband and not alone. I saw a number of middle-aged husband and wife duos out together. I didn't see any depressed woman or men on their own but maybe I didn't notice them because I was too focused on seeing the lucky people not by themselves.

I have been out shopping so infrequently except the grocery store for over a year. I went a little crazy in the Taget Superstore Bakery - bakery stuff is a weakness for me, especially muffins. I picked up pumpkin, apple, cinnamon, double chocolate chip and carrot. Then I got some cinnamon/pecan rolls, chocolate croissants and mini cupcakes. I'll pop them all into the freezer and the three of us can select one each evening and take it out to defrost overnight the next couple of weeks. It will be a fall treat for us.

So I'd rather spend a little bit of extra money on food than anything else right now although I do covet a Celine Dion CD. In the past year I have only purchased one clothing item for myself - a lime green linen top (dress up) that was on sale at Carson's for $11.00. When I bought it I felt guilty and am still considering returning it.

I have those awful feelings of just wanting the world to stop or slow down for me so I can finish unpacking and putting this new place in order. While it remains messy and disorganized I find myself plunging deeper and deeper into dismay. Exactly how I felt in the early months of grief after my husband's death and then when my second husband filed for divorce. But what I have certainly learned is that the world doesn't give us a break and tomorrow I'll have to go to work and put on my game face. When I am upset like this I become more anxious about the boys whom I can't supervise because I am at work. I have reached the point where the anxiety and worry is not worth the few hundred dollars I am making. I am about ready to quit because I have to have some control over my life, even if it is simply that I am nearby and available to my boys.

Writing all this has destressed me and I am no longer in a snippy, sniping mode thinking mean thoughts about people I know and don't know. I will eat a cupcake and that will make my life and world just a teensey bit better.

Banana Bread

I cannot bear to write a depressing post today. Obviously my same problems exist today as they did yesterday, I just want to think about something else for a moment.

I love to cook and especially bake but that hobby has really taken a back seat the past five years. One reason I am able to continue my interest in knitting is that I can carry small projects with me to all the baseball and other events I go to with the boys. Many days over the summers we are out of the house from sunup to sundown. But an oven is not transportable.

Recently I had a hankering for banana bread and came across a recipe in a British cookbook called "Comfort Food." This one was for chocolate banana bread with yogurt and allspice. The picture looked divine so at the store this week I added bananas and yogurt to the cart. Today seemed like a perfect day to bake. I'm at home concentrating on cleaning the house as a realtor is coming tomorrow. Also, the clothes dryer is not heating and I had an appointment for it to be repaired. The dryer repairman came sooner than expected and when he left I thought about the banana bread mix I had in the pantry. I decided to make that instead of the homemade recipe and did so, throwing in a handful of mini chocolate chips since the boys like that.

Making the mix was so quick and easy - one bowl, no measuring flour and cocoa powder, etc. The end result was not as good as what I'd have baked on my own but still pretty tasty, especially still warm from the oven with a cup of Constant Comment tea. Such a small act of nurturing to myself! Just what the doctor ordered! I am glad it has caused me to remember one of the lessons I learned from my husband's death - that it is really all the little acts and blessings that end up mattering in life. I don't want to lose sight of this even as I have to deal with the reality of the looming financial issues.

Today I am grateful:

1. For being able to compromise and whip up a box baking mix and not get down on myself because I took the easy way out for more instant gratification.
2. For doing the best I can everyday.
3. For the hug my older son gave me last night and the "Love you" my younger son said.
4. That my sons and I can talk together about having to leave the house and so far they are not freaking (although no one is jumping up with joy about all this).
5. For gardening gloves that save your hands from those horrible, tall, prickly weeds that take over the garden.

No regrets

The other week while grocery shopping, I spied a box of a dozen, assorted Krispy Kreme donuts. I picked them up but ultimately passed at the $6.99 cost. But I never forgot those donuts and went back to the store on subsequent days to get them. The bad thing was that I didn't see another box of the assorted donuts - just the glazed ones. So I still kept thinking about those donuts and a couple Sundays back drove over to the local Krispy Kreme store to find that the store had closed (another casualty of the Recession). I was disappointed and computed that the cost of all the shopping trips to the stores ended up costing me around $6.99 anyway so I just should have gotten the donuts when I'd seen them in the first place!

Moral of the story - to go for things at the time instead of waiting and then facing the possibility of losing out. If I equate that to my marriage, I can say that at least I gave it a well-intentioned shot. It sadly didn't work out but I don't have to always wonder about it like I would if I hadn't gotten married. I took a chance and even if it failed, there is some solace that I did it. So I'll never regret remarrying and the hope I held for the future. And the next time I struggle with a realitively minor purchase like the donuts, I hope I have the strength to put them in my cart, forget about feeling guilty over the cost or calories and just enjoy one or two with a cold glass of milk!

Celebrities and Comfort Food

People magazine is one of the subscriptions I had to cancel due to cost and lack of time (they'd pile up so quickly because it is a weekly). But once in a while if I see an issue that is worth the $3.99 price I will get it (and they are only a $1.00 at the used book store). Today in the grocery I didn't even flip through the 4/20 issue. It immediately went into my cart when I saw the beautiful photo of Kelly and John Travolta and the headline "Living with Grief." In this issue also, is a smaller mention of Liam Neeson. I hope these brave and lovely people know at some level how much they will help educate the general public about grief and loss because they are celebrities. And how they will give hope and strength to others also facing such losses because we can identify with a familiar face.

The stores are so crowed today. People had filled carts with ham, beautiful flowers, eggs, and pastry goodies (cakes in the shape of lambs or bunnies, cookie flowers). The people looked somewhat distracted and busy. I truly hope that those who see the People magazine or choose to add it to their cart will be struck by the realization of what is truly important as they gather with loved ones tomorrow.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the new day that dawned (although I am still pretty down as evidenced by all the comfort food I bought at the grocery - noodles, mini donuts, sweet rolls, banana bread mix, lemon poppy seed muffin mix, pudding and jello mixes . I have visions of eating noddles with butter for dinner and eating a heated sweet roll oozing with butter accompanied by a cup of hot tea).
2. For the power of choice. I have the power to choose to eat a sweet roll with butter or take a walk in the park. The fact that I am choosing the less healthy of the two does not negate the fact that at least I have a choice.
3. For being shown new ideas on how I can get through this. I was reading a little when I first woke up from the book "Tough Transitions - Navigating Your Way Through Difficult Times," by Elizabeth Harper Neeld and was struck by a woman's comment highlighted in the book. She said, "During difficult times, we all do different things to help us heal. I found that in my own life, during my darkest, worst days, my therapy was to bake." Thank you Ellen Rose for showing me there are an infiite possibilities for me to grab on to - maybe I'd find baking far more nurturing than eating sweet rolls with butter.
4. For having a friend willing to change plans and come up with an alternative in lieu of our celebrtating Easter with my family because I do not feel up to being with my relatives right now.
5. To have this same friend say, "That's okay" (he'd still stick by me) when I told him I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get out of this current funk and what if I am in it the rest of my life?