This is a continuation of my previous post on being real and the view of society to get over our grief asap. Life coach Dr. John H. Shlare gave the advice that to get out of heartache we stop focusing on what we don't have and focus on what we do. Easier said than done. I get irritated at all the self-help suggestions that fail to give suggestions at the end. What should the grief-stricken focus on when their worlds have collapsed and their grief is centered on what has been lost and the missing loved one?
Case in point - yesterday I had to venture into our quaint and adorable little suburban enclave to drop items off at the resale shop. The local farmer's market was going on, the fountains were flowing, the pots of flowers blooming. Lovely and pretty as a picture to be sure. Now just insert all the cute young families going out to a leisurely breakfasts after Junior's little league game. Notice all the middle-aged couples shopping for fresh vegetables and wine at the market so they can prepare a special Saturday night dinner together which will be shared on the patio. Everywhere I looked were families and couples and no single, tired looking middle-aged moms like myself. It was depressing and disheartening.
We live in such a couple's dominated society. On Thursday nights I watch the new comedy "The Marriage Ref," which pokes fun at married people's squabbles. All the commercials are geared to couples. The gossip magazines follow the latest couplings of the stars. The message I've been receiving is that something is wrong with me because I'm not part of a twosome. I feel embarrassed in addition to the great loneliness. Often I tell people I'm a widow because it makes me feel less of a loser.
I'm supposed to feel happy and excited about being able to date and the freedom of singlehood. But I tell you, middle-aged dating is exhausting. I'm too tired to make much of an effort now. I've already put myself out there since my husband's death and I'm not sure I can do it again. Maybe if I were younger. I'm missing the drive and energy. All that being upbeat and smiling, putting on the happy face! Getting to know someone is kind of like a job and I already had put my time in with my marriage. I look at the matronly middle-aged women with their men at the farmer's market and wonder how they would handle being newly single and "out there." I am bitter and weary.
So with all that said, now lets turn it around and focus on what I do have! A life with two sometimes ornery and difficult teen boys, the youngest who can take his anger and frustrations over his Dad's death on me. I'm struggling financially doing the best to make ends meet just barely. I can focus on my health (although I think it is rapidly declining as the result of always feeling depressed, lonely and stressed). I do have a roof over my head. But quite honestly, those things don't come to the forefront of my mind when I'm in the swarm of suburban families and couples, all smiling and looking as though they should be on the cover of postcards with the heading: "This is happiness!"
It's all well and good to be advised to stop focusing on what I don't have. But a little challenging when what you don't have was taken from you without just cause. And all you can see around you is evidence of what you once had, what you once loved and valued.
I don't want to hear advice from people who aren't in my situation. Dr. Phil, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Dr. John Shlare should consult with a panel made up of people who have actually been widowed, as well as divorced. Get the advice straight from the horse's mouth. And please throw in some practical suggestions besides just telling me what to do. Those of us fighting grief sometimes don't know which direction to turn and we could use a push.
Showing posts with label lonliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonliness. Show all posts
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Time Doesn't Heal All Things
Thursday was the Senior Farewell band concert - a teary, emotional evening. There was some stress leading up to the night. My oldest had a detention after school for chewing gum in band class no less, along with a volleyball game - at least it was a home game. That meant I was in charge of making sure he had his band tux and volleyball uniform, along with a sack dinner since he wouldn't have time to come home. Turns out he forgot his dress-up shoes and I had to get them to him before the concert.
As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.
Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.
I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.
It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.
I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.
Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.
A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.
I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.
What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.
As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.
Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.
I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.
It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.
I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.
Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.
A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.
I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.
What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
As Time Goes By
A brief perusal of online personal ads shows me a glimpse of what single people out there want. It looks like in 95% of cases, people want to be happy, optimistic and to have fun. And they want their future partners to be happy, optimistic and having fun too with the addition of no baggage! I can't relate to that. Having fun? For me, having fun would be going to the grocery store and filling up my cart without adding up every purchase in my head beforehand - to actually even be able to afford $50.00 of groceries at one time. Having fun? To watch a DVD at home. Right now, our DVD player is broken and I don't even have a spare $30.00 to replace it. It would be nice to go anywhere for a glass of wine and some good conversation - to have someone actually listen to me and care about my views and outlook. Or to maybe ask me my opinion on something. Having fun? I just want to feel safe, secure, comforted and with the knowledge that I have someone to lean on every once in awhile when the going gets tough.
Having fun? What does that mean? Excitement? Sex? Adventure? Trying new things? Laughing? Joking? Only having a good time? Forget all that. Give me safety and security. Dullness, the known, predictability, sameness. I want the same old, same old.
There is a t.v. show I try to watch every Sat. night when it airs on my PBS station (we don't get cable). It is a British comedy called "As Time Goes By," starring Dame Judy Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. It ran for a good many years and is about an older couple who fell in love during the Korean War. There was a mishap with their communication and they ended up apart. The story picks up 40 years later when they are reunited, fall in love again (although they had never really stopped loving each other) and then getting married.
The episodes are about their new life together. He is an author and she is newly retired. She has a daughter and there is an assortment of quirky friends and family members that round out the cast. There is nothing hot and heavy going on under the sheets. No one is jumping out of airplanes. One episode centers on their activity of cleaning out the house and giving items away to the charity shop. Or how the family bands together when the daughter suffers a breakup.
Now this is what is exciting to me. Families supporting one another through thick and thin. A happily married couple, comfortable and content to create a stew together on a cold winter Saturday. The ordinary, every day little occurrences. Many shows end with Jean and Lionel going to bed at the end of the day. They often read a bit before turning off the light and it is that scene that causes my heart to pound. That is what I miss in my own life and what I hope to someday have again. The ability to read together in bed with my loved one. Maybe 95% of the singles out there would find that boring and mundane. It is a treasured dream and fantasy for me.
I'm not sure what the likelihood of me finding a suitable partner out there is. I am honest when I say I can't relate to those out there seeking fun, excitement and happiness. My therapist told me she did not think I'd be able to have a successful relationship with a man who hadn't experienced some hardship in his life. She said it would be difficult for someone who'd lived a relatively "happy" life to relate with me. Boy, just another hurdle to have to jump over. It is hard enough finding a decent guy out there, now I have to find one who has suffered hardship.
Not that I have any interest in going out there and hitting the pavement anyway right now. Now is not the time. I am terribly disillusioned and depressed. Definitely not the happy, optimistic, fun seeking person single men are looking for. Of course they also want a nice looking woman, and I feel careworn and as though I've aged overnight. I think I wear my inner sorrow on the outside now and it is not that attractive, I'll admit. The loss of the house, the move, going back to work, parenting on my own, handling the apartment and all the financial stuff alone has just caught up with me. It has taken a toll the past months.
I would have to be with someone who could share a deep conversation and someone looking for more than just a good time. Everything that has happened the past few years has impacted me to a level where I'm not the same person I once was. I can't just laugh for the sake of laughing anymore. I am jaded, no question about it. How do you find someone compatible with that? I don't think it is easy. I would also want a man who could understand and appreciate the decisions I've made for my sons. Someone who'd see the choices I've made without putting me down, as my second husband did.
Plus, I've put my heart out there a couple times now and have had less than favorable endings. I used to think that I could always find a partner with whom to have a relationship. I've reached the point where I have a much sobered reality. I actually think it is possible that I could die alone. That there isn't a match for me out there. Anyway, I don't have the time or energy right now to even look. Let this magical, miracle guy come to me for a change. I'm tired of putting myself out there and really taking a chance, especially after having faced the loss of a husband due to death.
Tonight I watched an hour (two episodes) of "As Time Goes By" and as usual was charmed by the gentle and peaceful love portrayed by Jean and Lionel. And I was wistful for their unexciting but filling and happy life. Forget the excitement and having fun. When I think of love and a couple I admire, I see these two.
Personal Ad
Wanted: Ordinary, predictable, comfortable life with a loving partner who is willing to work out conflicts and life's little snags with conversation and devotion. Having fun is defined by cooking, reading and antiquing together. Nothing fancy. And it is perfectly okay to sometimes feel less than optimistic and a little down. That is what a good hot cup of tea is for and a comforting embrace. Support, kindness, compassion and understanding are the mutually agreed upon values of the relationship with along a touch of laughter and humor. Materialism is at the bottom of the list and a life seeking internal knowledge and growth is aspired to.
Do you know that I've actually seen some ads where the guys have said the women they are seeking must have decent jobs, fancy cars and want to have a lot of sex? My goodness! I don't think these guys are watching "As Time Goes By" or that they'd understand, much less appreciate the values that show portrays.
For a little while every week, I get to be whisked away into a life that melts my heart and gets my tummy all fuzzy. All that from a scene of an older, married, settled couple chopping carrots together at the kitchen table. NOW THAT IS EXCITING!
Tonight I briefly spoke to Sam and he mentioned that he hasn't filled his bed yet. Maybe I'd still want to consider moving to be with him? I'm just too worn and depleted to go into all of that right now. Our relationship has been on the back burner the past few months and we haven't seen one another since mid-February. It is like I have been living this separate life from him on my own and handling all of these hardships alone. I feel disconnected from him. And then I have the boys, always the boys to think about. I don't want to go into all of that right now. I just want a few more moments to smile as I think back on my show - it does give me a bit of pleasure that I can count on.
Having fun? What does that mean? Excitement? Sex? Adventure? Trying new things? Laughing? Joking? Only having a good time? Forget all that. Give me safety and security. Dullness, the known, predictability, sameness. I want the same old, same old.
There is a t.v. show I try to watch every Sat. night when it airs on my PBS station (we don't get cable). It is a British comedy called "As Time Goes By," starring Dame Judy Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. It ran for a good many years and is about an older couple who fell in love during the Korean War. There was a mishap with their communication and they ended up apart. The story picks up 40 years later when they are reunited, fall in love again (although they had never really stopped loving each other) and then getting married.
The episodes are about their new life together. He is an author and she is newly retired. She has a daughter and there is an assortment of quirky friends and family members that round out the cast. There is nothing hot and heavy going on under the sheets. No one is jumping out of airplanes. One episode centers on their activity of cleaning out the house and giving items away to the charity shop. Or how the family bands together when the daughter suffers a breakup.
Now this is what is exciting to me. Families supporting one another through thick and thin. A happily married couple, comfortable and content to create a stew together on a cold winter Saturday. The ordinary, every day little occurrences. Many shows end with Jean and Lionel going to bed at the end of the day. They often read a bit before turning off the light and it is that scene that causes my heart to pound. That is what I miss in my own life and what I hope to someday have again. The ability to read together in bed with my loved one. Maybe 95% of the singles out there would find that boring and mundane. It is a treasured dream and fantasy for me.
I'm not sure what the likelihood of me finding a suitable partner out there is. I am honest when I say I can't relate to those out there seeking fun, excitement and happiness. My therapist told me she did not think I'd be able to have a successful relationship with a man who hadn't experienced some hardship in his life. She said it would be difficult for someone who'd lived a relatively "happy" life to relate with me. Boy, just another hurdle to have to jump over. It is hard enough finding a decent guy out there, now I have to find one who has suffered hardship.
Not that I have any interest in going out there and hitting the pavement anyway right now. Now is not the time. I am terribly disillusioned and depressed. Definitely not the happy, optimistic, fun seeking person single men are looking for. Of course they also want a nice looking woman, and I feel careworn and as though I've aged overnight. I think I wear my inner sorrow on the outside now and it is not that attractive, I'll admit. The loss of the house, the move, going back to work, parenting on my own, handling the apartment and all the financial stuff alone has just caught up with me. It has taken a toll the past months.
I would have to be with someone who could share a deep conversation and someone looking for more than just a good time. Everything that has happened the past few years has impacted me to a level where I'm not the same person I once was. I can't just laugh for the sake of laughing anymore. I am jaded, no question about it. How do you find someone compatible with that? I don't think it is easy. I would also want a man who could understand and appreciate the decisions I've made for my sons. Someone who'd see the choices I've made without putting me down, as my second husband did.
Plus, I've put my heart out there a couple times now and have had less than favorable endings. I used to think that I could always find a partner with whom to have a relationship. I've reached the point where I have a much sobered reality. I actually think it is possible that I could die alone. That there isn't a match for me out there. Anyway, I don't have the time or energy right now to even look. Let this magical, miracle guy come to me for a change. I'm tired of putting myself out there and really taking a chance, especially after having faced the loss of a husband due to death.
Tonight I watched an hour (two episodes) of "As Time Goes By" and as usual was charmed by the gentle and peaceful love portrayed by Jean and Lionel. And I was wistful for their unexciting but filling and happy life. Forget the excitement and having fun. When I think of love and a couple I admire, I see these two.
Personal Ad
Wanted: Ordinary, predictable, comfortable life with a loving partner who is willing to work out conflicts and life's little snags with conversation and devotion. Having fun is defined by cooking, reading and antiquing together. Nothing fancy. And it is perfectly okay to sometimes feel less than optimistic and a little down. That is what a good hot cup of tea is for and a comforting embrace. Support, kindness, compassion and understanding are the mutually agreed upon values of the relationship with along a touch of laughter and humor. Materialism is at the bottom of the list and a life seeking internal knowledge and growth is aspired to.
Do you know that I've actually seen some ads where the guys have said the women they are seeking must have decent jobs, fancy cars and want to have a lot of sex? My goodness! I don't think these guys are watching "As Time Goes By" or that they'd understand, much less appreciate the values that show portrays.
For a little while every week, I get to be whisked away into a life that melts my heart and gets my tummy all fuzzy. All that from a scene of an older, married, settled couple chopping carrots together at the kitchen table. NOW THAT IS EXCITING!
Tonight I briefly spoke to Sam and he mentioned that he hasn't filled his bed yet. Maybe I'd still want to consider moving to be with him? I'm just too worn and depleted to go into all of that right now. Our relationship has been on the back burner the past few months and we haven't seen one another since mid-February. It is like I have been living this separate life from him on my own and handling all of these hardships alone. I feel disconnected from him. And then I have the boys, always the boys to think about. I don't want to go into all of that right now. I just want a few more moments to smile as I think back on my show - it does give me a bit of pleasure that I can count on.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Touching, Hugging, Holding and Feeling
There is such a huge void from the lack of physical contact with a partner. Sex is a part of that, but only a part. It is more missing the actual presence of someone in the same space, be it the home, the car or the bed.
I'm a very touchy/feely person and miss the opportunities to reach out and take my partner's hand or give a hug. At work, I often hold the residents hands or give them a caress of the shoulder. I take care when washing the residents hair - one man told me how nice it felt to have his scalp massaged and he was grateful.
I bring this up because it is yet another loss and one that seems to be overlooked. It is not only the emotional loneliness but the physical loneliness and lack of personal contact.
I'm not sure there is much anyone can do about this but endure it. My sons are tolerant of my hugs and pats but they are the result of my reaching out to them. If I didn't hug them, I wouldn't be getting any physical contact. I suppose this may be a reason people eventually get back out there and start dating again. I know for me, I've about reached my limit on the lonely life.
I don't know who will ever read this post or when. I do know I have a need to put these words out there in the belief that they may reach someone who will need to see them. I mainly want to increase the perception of what widowhood is like for those who don't know it. Imagine going home night after night to an empty house and sleeping in a bed alone for years! I am surprised I haven't jumped off a bridge yet in frustration! It is another aspect of a challenging life.
Sex is a great way to release tension. It is also a way to connect with others and to feel loved, desired, cared for and wanted. And it can be an energizer. Funny, how those of us most in need of these things are the most lacking.
I hope more than anything that these posts have reached or will reach people with the message that losing a spouse is so much more than what meets the eye. There are so many layers to the loss - so many intricacies to the widowhood life. I hope people will look beyond what they see to the insides of the grieving - their emotions, hearts and souls.
Right before I started dating my second husband, I started checking out the few single men I knew of, including the kind of creepy middle-aged guy who bagged my purchases at the grocery store! I can look back on that and laugh - but it isn't really all that funny either!
I'm a very touchy/feely person and miss the opportunities to reach out and take my partner's hand or give a hug. At work, I often hold the residents hands or give them a caress of the shoulder. I take care when washing the residents hair - one man told me how nice it felt to have his scalp massaged and he was grateful.
I bring this up because it is yet another loss and one that seems to be overlooked. It is not only the emotional loneliness but the physical loneliness and lack of personal contact.
I'm not sure there is much anyone can do about this but endure it. My sons are tolerant of my hugs and pats but they are the result of my reaching out to them. If I didn't hug them, I wouldn't be getting any physical contact. I suppose this may be a reason people eventually get back out there and start dating again. I know for me, I've about reached my limit on the lonely life.
I don't know who will ever read this post or when. I do know I have a need to put these words out there in the belief that they may reach someone who will need to see them. I mainly want to increase the perception of what widowhood is like for those who don't know it. Imagine going home night after night to an empty house and sleeping in a bed alone for years! I am surprised I haven't jumped off a bridge yet in frustration! It is another aspect of a challenging life.
Sex is a great way to release tension. It is also a way to connect with others and to feel loved, desired, cared for and wanted. And it can be an energizer. Funny, how those of us most in need of these things are the most lacking.
I hope more than anything that these posts have reached or will reach people with the message that losing a spouse is so much more than what meets the eye. There are so many layers to the loss - so many intricacies to the widowhood life. I hope people will look beyond what they see to the insides of the grieving - their emotions, hearts and souls.
Right before I started dating my second husband, I started checking out the few single men I knew of, including the kind of creepy middle-aged guy who bagged my purchases at the grocery store! I can look back on that and laugh - but it isn't really all that funny either!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Unbound Ties
I used to have friends. There were my friends from work, grad school, my work with the PTA and a volunteer at the boys' school, the school where my husband taught, fellow parents on the teams my husband and I coached and from the other groups my husband and I participated in - he sang semi-professionally and I was a CASA (court appointed special advocate for abused and neglected kids). So I'd often go out to meetings, dinners or lunches with these various groups of people. And I very much enjoyed seeing my husband perform. There was plenty of healthy interaction among adults including the exchange of knowledge and ideas. I felt respected and valued in the world and that I was a contributor for the overall good of man.
After my husband's death it didn't take very long for these ties to sever. Immediately the connections I had with my husband's school and performing groups ended. Then as it became more and more time consuming to volunteer, I stopped doing so and lost those connections as well. My shortened free time was spent between parenting on my own, working part time and doing what I could for my parents (mainly my mom prior to her death).
I'm relating all this now in a way to prove to myself that I used to be a stimulating member of society - I had it once. But that circumstances ended up making it very difficult to maintain social interactions. And now I feel as though I really have so little in common with those I used to socialize with.
Sitting on the bleachers during games I overhear snippets of conversations. One that grabbed my attention was that of the volleyball team mom talking about her various trips/vacations the past few months. There was skiing in Colorado, Wisconsin and Michigan and then some place else too. Now I have only been to Michigan for a week's vacation in the past seven years. Hearing this woman talk made me feel sad as well as jealous.
Then there was the mom talking about the major stress she was feeling because of the remodeling going on with her home. "Let me tell you about stress," I wanted to say but I know it is all relative and relates to the experiences you are facing. Still...
After all this time I no longer look, see or perceive the world in the ways I did before widowhood. I am certainly not the same person by a long shot. A woman I had lunch with (chicken salad on croissants) at her home only a few years ago looked right through me when we passed one another at a recent band concert. Another "former" PTA and sports friend recently asked me where I had moved and since then hasn't spoken a word to me.
It is weird to participate in a world you used to be a full part of but now are there only on the fringes - almost like an observer looking in. I no longer feel that comfortable speaking up in conversations - what could I say to the woman whose family has been fortunate enough to get away four times since January? I no longer own a home so the woman stressed out with the workmen doing the remodeling wasn't much of a conversational draw for me. What could I contribute?
My oldest son was in a remedial math class with about 18 kids. He told me that all of his classmates were lower income kids. When I attended the school's open house I was the only parent visiting that classroom! When I first moved into this apartment complex I looked in the high school phone directory to see who lived here. With only one exception, all the families attending my sons' school are headed by single moms, myself included. I bring this up because I believe it is so hard to be an only or a single parent. There just isn't time to volunteer or sadly, to attend a school open house. And then those friendships become too challenging to maintain and you stop getting included anyway.
Friendships by the wayside - another casualty of widowhood.
After my husband's death it didn't take very long for these ties to sever. Immediately the connections I had with my husband's school and performing groups ended. Then as it became more and more time consuming to volunteer, I stopped doing so and lost those connections as well. My shortened free time was spent between parenting on my own, working part time and doing what I could for my parents (mainly my mom prior to her death).
I'm relating all this now in a way to prove to myself that I used to be a stimulating member of society - I had it once. But that circumstances ended up making it very difficult to maintain social interactions. And now I feel as though I really have so little in common with those I used to socialize with.
Sitting on the bleachers during games I overhear snippets of conversations. One that grabbed my attention was that of the volleyball team mom talking about her various trips/vacations the past few months. There was skiing in Colorado, Wisconsin and Michigan and then some place else too. Now I have only been to Michigan for a week's vacation in the past seven years. Hearing this woman talk made me feel sad as well as jealous.
Then there was the mom talking about the major stress she was feeling because of the remodeling going on with her home. "Let me tell you about stress," I wanted to say but I know it is all relative and relates to the experiences you are facing. Still...
After all this time I no longer look, see or perceive the world in the ways I did before widowhood. I am certainly not the same person by a long shot. A woman I had lunch with (chicken salad on croissants) at her home only a few years ago looked right through me when we passed one another at a recent band concert. Another "former" PTA and sports friend recently asked me where I had moved and since then hasn't spoken a word to me.
It is weird to participate in a world you used to be a full part of but now are there only on the fringes - almost like an observer looking in. I no longer feel that comfortable speaking up in conversations - what could I say to the woman whose family has been fortunate enough to get away four times since January? I no longer own a home so the woman stressed out with the workmen doing the remodeling wasn't much of a conversational draw for me. What could I contribute?
My oldest son was in a remedial math class with about 18 kids. He told me that all of his classmates were lower income kids. When I attended the school's open house I was the only parent visiting that classroom! When I first moved into this apartment complex I looked in the high school phone directory to see who lived here. With only one exception, all the families attending my sons' school are headed by single moms, myself included. I bring this up because I believe it is so hard to be an only or a single parent. There just isn't time to volunteer or sadly, to attend a school open house. And then those friendships become too challenging to maintain and you stop getting included anyway.
Friendships by the wayside - another casualty of widowhood.
No One To Talk To
A major albatross for me are the bleachers at the high school. Not exactly the bleachers but the people filling the stands and the representation of intact families and couples. I know this is a trigger for me and should come up with some method of reducing my anxiety when I attend school functions. But usually I am in such a hurry to get to and fro that it sneaks up on me - the onslaught of feelings and emotions that overcome me like they did when I went to my oldest's volleyball game on Thursday.
His team was playing my old high school so that was part of the problem. Now nostalgia from the past got added to the mix along with other memories from my childhood, not so good. Probably a loaded and charged situation.
My youngest was demonstrating some brotherly support by going with me to see his brother play since he was starting and doesn't always play. But after the teams were introduced and we stood for the flag, he told me that he wanted to leave to sit with friends. I pointed out to him that if he left me I would be the only person sitting alone in the bleachers. He scoffed at my comment, then looked around the gym. His eyes widened as he realized I was right. Yes, I would have been the only one by myself in a crowd of many if he hadn't ended up sitting with me for the game.
Now I suppose this is a minor hardship to deal with in the grand scheme of things. In fact, my youngest told me there was a way to deal with my discomfort by not going to these events. Although that of course is not a solution because I want to see my sons whenever they are participating in an event of any kind.
I think a major factor in all of this is the length of time that this has been going on. Six and a half long years of this! I'm tired and drained and the constant strain of this is taking its toll. The widowed have to deal with the actual death of their loved ones but then come the days, months and now years of continuing a life that becomes more stressful.
Every time I go to a game or concert my heart and soul are pulled on when I see numerous couples greet each other and show their support for their children or relatives. There is almost an indescribable wave of pain and longing that hits me at these things. I look around me with such jealousy that those sitting in that gym don't have to be assaulted with these invisible feelings that overtake me.
On Thursday night I am sad to say that I actually started shouting in my head, "I HATE YOU!" to the women and men I saw on the bleachers next to me. The better thing to say would have been "I hate the lives you seem to have that I don't right now" because of course I don't personally know any of them. Or maybe, "I hate what you represent and I hate the feelings that get stirred up when I see you."
Again as always, I am struck by how much it seems married folks take one another for granted. I wanted to get up and make a little speech along the lines of "How would you like to be forced back into the dating world where you're rejected on a constant basis for being and looking age 50?" Dating, now there is another fun topic for another post. Talk about being burdened and then on top of it all, rising to the occasion to take a chance on a relationship and having the courage and strength to face the potential of rejection. God it is hard and it just doesn't seem to have an end in sight.
My spirit is depleted. I am sure I look like a drained, harried, lonely, unhappy 50-year-old woman when I'm at these events.
Something that I kept thinking about was how you can really be extremely lonely even surrounded by a large group of people. If a picture was taken I wouldn't look alone in that crush of people. Seeing the couples talk to one another is what really got to me on Thursday. Seeing them greet each other. I have a huge need right now to talk to someone about my job and career future and that just doesn't happen in my life. These parents can chat on the drive home or over dinner. The ability to discuss current events, receive feedback and advice, to have someone observe that you look nice or even look tired. When none of that is happening in your life, it gets harder to keep up the game. At least for me. And maybe that is why I am letting some of the anger and frustration out as I did when I yelled inwardly at the opposing team's parents.
I'm not pleased with myself that I am releasing tension in this way. It is not the way I want to relate to the world. Shouting negatively (even within my head) will only result in negativity coming back to me in some way.
I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of having someone close to me, in which to share my life. Maybe if I had a family member to relate with this need would not be so apparent and necessary right now. But there is such a huge void that comes with sitting in the bleachers with no one to turn to to share the small moment of pleasure that comes with your son scoring a goal. On its own the event itself is not the issue - it is the build-up of many of these events and the lack of someone in my life who is interested and cares about them. And I could say that yes, I have a few friends who do care about me. But there is a need to share day-to-day life and occurrences. Well again, maybe not a necessary need but it sure is nice and makes life a lot more valuable and worth living.
After the game, back at home, my son told me his coach has informed him that he will be one of the two captains on next year's team. My heart swells with pride, yet at the same time I feel the tears because I'd like to be able to share that with someone who would take it seriously. One way of describing how I feel is that it is like that saying, "All dressed up with no where to go." I feel all this stuff both good and bad and it just sits inside me or churns around endlessly. Until finally there isn't any release but the toxic one of me blowing off steam in the form of glaring at people I don't even know and then thinking mean thoughts about them. I am also beginning to fear that I have lost some of my verbal communication skills - I have become a less effective communicator since I've been widowed. How's that for another price to pay for this shitty situation?
This is why I continue to feel I am becoming that dreaded bitter and angry widow I hoped I wouldn't become. But I see myself headed that way and despite my awareness of it I just don't seem to care much right now or have the strength/energy to fight it off.
His team was playing my old high school so that was part of the problem. Now nostalgia from the past got added to the mix along with other memories from my childhood, not so good. Probably a loaded and charged situation.
My youngest was demonstrating some brotherly support by going with me to see his brother play since he was starting and doesn't always play. But after the teams were introduced and we stood for the flag, he told me that he wanted to leave to sit with friends. I pointed out to him that if he left me I would be the only person sitting alone in the bleachers. He scoffed at my comment, then looked around the gym. His eyes widened as he realized I was right. Yes, I would have been the only one by myself in a crowd of many if he hadn't ended up sitting with me for the game.
Now I suppose this is a minor hardship to deal with in the grand scheme of things. In fact, my youngest told me there was a way to deal with my discomfort by not going to these events. Although that of course is not a solution because I want to see my sons whenever they are participating in an event of any kind.
I think a major factor in all of this is the length of time that this has been going on. Six and a half long years of this! I'm tired and drained and the constant strain of this is taking its toll. The widowed have to deal with the actual death of their loved ones but then come the days, months and now years of continuing a life that becomes more stressful.
Every time I go to a game or concert my heart and soul are pulled on when I see numerous couples greet each other and show their support for their children or relatives. There is almost an indescribable wave of pain and longing that hits me at these things. I look around me with such jealousy that those sitting in that gym don't have to be assaulted with these invisible feelings that overtake me.
On Thursday night I am sad to say that I actually started shouting in my head, "I HATE YOU!" to the women and men I saw on the bleachers next to me. The better thing to say would have been "I hate the lives you seem to have that I don't right now" because of course I don't personally know any of them. Or maybe, "I hate what you represent and I hate the feelings that get stirred up when I see you."
Again as always, I am struck by how much it seems married folks take one another for granted. I wanted to get up and make a little speech along the lines of "How would you like to be forced back into the dating world where you're rejected on a constant basis for being and looking age 50?" Dating, now there is another fun topic for another post. Talk about being burdened and then on top of it all, rising to the occasion to take a chance on a relationship and having the courage and strength to face the potential of rejection. God it is hard and it just doesn't seem to have an end in sight.
My spirit is depleted. I am sure I look like a drained, harried, lonely, unhappy 50-year-old woman when I'm at these events.
Something that I kept thinking about was how you can really be extremely lonely even surrounded by a large group of people. If a picture was taken I wouldn't look alone in that crush of people. Seeing the couples talk to one another is what really got to me on Thursday. Seeing them greet each other. I have a huge need right now to talk to someone about my job and career future and that just doesn't happen in my life. These parents can chat on the drive home or over dinner. The ability to discuss current events, receive feedback and advice, to have someone observe that you look nice or even look tired. When none of that is happening in your life, it gets harder to keep up the game. At least for me. And maybe that is why I am letting some of the anger and frustration out as I did when I yelled inwardly at the opposing team's parents.
I'm not pleased with myself that I am releasing tension in this way. It is not the way I want to relate to the world. Shouting negatively (even within my head) will only result in negativity coming back to me in some way.
I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of having someone close to me, in which to share my life. Maybe if I had a family member to relate with this need would not be so apparent and necessary right now. But there is such a huge void that comes with sitting in the bleachers with no one to turn to to share the small moment of pleasure that comes with your son scoring a goal. On its own the event itself is not the issue - it is the build-up of many of these events and the lack of someone in my life who is interested and cares about them. And I could say that yes, I have a few friends who do care about me. But there is a need to share day-to-day life and occurrences. Well again, maybe not a necessary need but it sure is nice and makes life a lot more valuable and worth living.
After the game, back at home, my son told me his coach has informed him that he will be one of the two captains on next year's team. My heart swells with pride, yet at the same time I feel the tears because I'd like to be able to share that with someone who would take it seriously. One way of describing how I feel is that it is like that saying, "All dressed up with no where to go." I feel all this stuff both good and bad and it just sits inside me or churns around endlessly. Until finally there isn't any release but the toxic one of me blowing off steam in the form of glaring at people I don't even know and then thinking mean thoughts about them. I am also beginning to fear that I have lost some of my verbal communication skills - I have become a less effective communicator since I've been widowed. How's that for another price to pay for this shitty situation?
This is why I continue to feel I am becoming that dreaded bitter and angry widow I hoped I wouldn't become. But I see myself headed that way and despite my awareness of it I just don't seem to care much right now or have the strength/energy to fight it off.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Closing For Business
I have been doing a lot of contemplation and reflection on stopping this blog. This is due in part to my self-study about The Law of Attraction. I just can't seem to climb out of the pit of my negativity these days. And being positive and optimistic is key to the theory. I am worried that this blog transmits too much negativity out into the world and that is not something I want to be doing.
Basically, after a great deal of introspection, from a combination of grief therapy, self-work, reading and blogging, I have come to the earth-shattering conclusion that widowhood sucks. Which I actually find rather amusing in a way, because when I first started this blog, I wanted the title to be "Widowhood Sucks!" But I decided on the current one because I thought it was too negative and I wanted one more descriptive. So in the end, coming around full circle, all I've gotten from all of this work is the knowledge that I had when I started - that widowhood sucks big time!
My continuing to post about the issues in my life will just be variations on what I've already posted - the loneliness, heartache, physical, mental and emotional fatigue of this experience. I'm not sure that is amounting to good anymore, either for myself or others.
I am thinking about some ideas of where to go from here. Maybe I'll focus more on my experience of having to make a financial comeback in my life. Or the search for love. I am also trying to decide if I should give myself a month to be as miserable as I want to be - totally down and out. Or if I have to force myself to get on the bandwagon of positive thinking and hope. Or maybe I allow myself the misery followed by the hope.
Anyway, closing this down won't happen today or tomorrow because I still have some posts I want to relate about widowhood.
I'm letting the Universe help guide and direct me on this. The other day after I got my taxes filed I went into a local book store down the street from H & R Block. I wanted to check out a book that had been recommended to me. On the way in, one of the sale/last chance books caught my eye. It was a birthday/horoscope book and I flipped to the page with my birth date.
The description informed me that my life's challenge is to overcome my negativity. That my goal in life is to bring good to the world but that I can't do that by focusing on negativity. Now I know that I am a naturally pessimistic person - I've been so even as a little girl. But I found these words a personal message to me. They did serve as a sign since they were so in line what I have been thinking and worrying about.
Basically, after a great deal of introspection, from a combination of grief therapy, self-work, reading and blogging, I have come to the earth-shattering conclusion that widowhood sucks. Which I actually find rather amusing in a way, because when I first started this blog, I wanted the title to be "Widowhood Sucks!" But I decided on the current one because I thought it was too negative and I wanted one more descriptive. So in the end, coming around full circle, all I've gotten from all of this work is the knowledge that I had when I started - that widowhood sucks big time!
My continuing to post about the issues in my life will just be variations on what I've already posted - the loneliness, heartache, physical, mental and emotional fatigue of this experience. I'm not sure that is amounting to good anymore, either for myself or others.
I am thinking about some ideas of where to go from here. Maybe I'll focus more on my experience of having to make a financial comeback in my life. Or the search for love. I am also trying to decide if I should give myself a month to be as miserable as I want to be - totally down and out. Or if I have to force myself to get on the bandwagon of positive thinking and hope. Or maybe I allow myself the misery followed by the hope.
Anyway, closing this down won't happen today or tomorrow because I still have some posts I want to relate about widowhood.
I'm letting the Universe help guide and direct me on this. The other day after I got my taxes filed I went into a local book store down the street from H & R Block. I wanted to check out a book that had been recommended to me. On the way in, one of the sale/last chance books caught my eye. It was a birthday/horoscope book and I flipped to the page with my birth date.
The description informed me that my life's challenge is to overcome my negativity. That my goal in life is to bring good to the world but that I can't do that by focusing on negativity. Now I know that I am a naturally pessimistic person - I've been so even as a little girl. But I found these words a personal message to me. They did serve as a sign since they were so in line what I have been thinking and worrying about.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Widows Gone Crazy
My youngest son's best friend's dad died of cancer a year before my husband. The friend's situation is a little different. He had an older brother and sister high school age - now they are out of college. And his family owned a restaurant in Chicago. Just different family dynamics and circumstances.
My oldest son's girlfriend lost her mom a year ago, also to cancer. Her dad has started to date and she is upset that the new girlfriend who used to be their babysitter is only 35. In a perfect world wouldn't it have been nice and easier if her dad and I had felt some attraction and fallen in love!
Somehow, I don't think these friendships and connections with my sons are arbitrary or coincidental.
This recent spring break my youngest spent a lot of time with his friend and mentioned concerns about his friend's mom. She apparently lost her cool and yelled at a group of the kids when they stopped in the house, demanding that they get out. I replied that I could understand a mom getting frustrated with a bunch of teen boys barging into the house. My son's reply was that I never would have made a scene and yelled like this woman did even if I had been upset.
He also related that his friend thinks his mom has "gone crazy." She no longer works in the restaurant and has leased it out to another family running it. But she is apparently working doing some kind of rehab on houses. My son further revealed that his friend is very worried about his mother - her actions are erratic and she has thrown the friend out of the house on a number of occasions - overnight! I'm not sure how to reply to that because that is endangering a poor 15 year old kid who had to go to a friend's house to spend the night. But I also don't know all the details except that this kid is very nice and mild mannered - not a trouble maker at all.
My son further observed that his friend's mom does appear crazy and out of control when he is over at his friend's house. He added that she looks haggard and much older than her age. I think I said something like, "Well, widowhood will do that to you" and he came back with the fact that I don't look as bad as she.
Poor woman. Over the years I've had fleeting thoughts of wanting to get in touch with her but of course time has always been at such a premium. I didn't really know her - she wasn't in my circle of super-involved PTA moms that I hung with. But as it turns out, all those "friends" fell by the wayside in my life as I became less and less able to volunteer and be active outside my own home.
I don't know all the details of this woman's life in the past seven years. From what my son has said every once in awhile, I knew she had a boyfriend living in her home for a couple years, although they are no longer together. I've heard talk of her wanting to sell the home because the oldest were in college. Just bits and pieces of another widowed mom's life while I was desperately trying to keep my own together.
But I do get the craziness - I do get that this curse of widowhood can lead to it. I am beginning to think that I may be going crazy too! There is only so much stress, pain, disappointment and hardship that some people can take. Maybe she has reached her limit. Maybe I am close to reaching mine.
Hearing about this woman had a profound impact on me - it was like a shot of reality hitting me. Sobering and scary. Real and honest. I am getting sick of making such an effort to be hopeful and optimistic. For some of us, widowhood just plain and simply sucks and I don't want to sugarcoat this anymore. My life has certainly remained pretty difficult and it is a draining challenge to continue to face the days, let alone the future.
I have come to believe that widowhood can make you crazy.
I dropped my oldest off at school and went by a house in our old neighborhood where a widowed woman lived before she moved a couple years ago. She was a fanatical gardener and when I took walks I used to stop to chat with her as I went by. She revealed that widowhood had made her terribly lonely and she gardened to fill the gap. She laughed as she showed me the little pond she'd added, admitting that she might be getting a bit "crazy" with her obsession. Now, as I look back to what I know about her I feel sad and somewhat frightened about my future too.
All those negative portrayals that exist about widows - you know, the women who own too many cats or the ones always threatening the kids who run across their grass. It makes sense to me - how the loneliness and heartache can make someone bitter and cross. I have even found that my social skills have gone down because I have lost opportunities to converse on a daily basis with an adult. No wonder an older widow might become scared and reclusive.
For whatever reasons I think it is easier for men to pick themselves back up, dust themselves off and start dating women 15-20 years younger as seen by my son's girlfriend's own father ! I have read that men can more readily distract themselves from hardship and difficulties. Be that as it may. I saw a woman about age 60 go into Pizza Hut with a book in her hand when I was there picking up a $10.00 pizza for the boys. I had to give her credit for dining in, at a Pizza Hut no less. If I were on my own I would have taken it home and eaten in front of the t.v. This also bothered me a little. I told my close girlfriend about it and joked that if we are still single in 10 years we'll move into a luxury townhouse or condo together.
But I don't want to be alone. Yet at the same time, right now I don't possess the energy or optimism to date or get out there. There has been too much pain and it is still there, too close to my heart and spirit.
I think about the woman gardening. If I had been in her shoes with two grown-up sons, which she had, what would I have done? Probably done some volunteering in the community in lieu of the solitary gardening. I suppose I would have eventually made efforts to meet a gentleman - maybe taken some cruises or trips. But I shouldn't be talking because right now I can't even muster the energy to try and create more social options in my life be they with men or women! This widowhood has the strength to rob us of opportunities and desires - to leave us heartbroken and broken in spirit. And the supreme power to make us crazy, hopefully only temporarily.
My oldest son's girlfriend lost her mom a year ago, also to cancer. Her dad has started to date and she is upset that the new girlfriend who used to be their babysitter is only 35. In a perfect world wouldn't it have been nice and easier if her dad and I had felt some attraction and fallen in love!
Somehow, I don't think these friendships and connections with my sons are arbitrary or coincidental.
This recent spring break my youngest spent a lot of time with his friend and mentioned concerns about his friend's mom. She apparently lost her cool and yelled at a group of the kids when they stopped in the house, demanding that they get out. I replied that I could understand a mom getting frustrated with a bunch of teen boys barging into the house. My son's reply was that I never would have made a scene and yelled like this woman did even if I had been upset.
He also related that his friend thinks his mom has "gone crazy." She no longer works in the restaurant and has leased it out to another family running it. But she is apparently working doing some kind of rehab on houses. My son further revealed that his friend is very worried about his mother - her actions are erratic and she has thrown the friend out of the house on a number of occasions - overnight! I'm not sure how to reply to that because that is endangering a poor 15 year old kid who had to go to a friend's house to spend the night. But I also don't know all the details except that this kid is very nice and mild mannered - not a trouble maker at all.
My son further observed that his friend's mom does appear crazy and out of control when he is over at his friend's house. He added that she looks haggard and much older than her age. I think I said something like, "Well, widowhood will do that to you" and he came back with the fact that I don't look as bad as she.
Poor woman. Over the years I've had fleeting thoughts of wanting to get in touch with her but of course time has always been at such a premium. I didn't really know her - she wasn't in my circle of super-involved PTA moms that I hung with. But as it turns out, all those "friends" fell by the wayside in my life as I became less and less able to volunteer and be active outside my own home.
I don't know all the details of this woman's life in the past seven years. From what my son has said every once in awhile, I knew she had a boyfriend living in her home for a couple years, although they are no longer together. I've heard talk of her wanting to sell the home because the oldest were in college. Just bits and pieces of another widowed mom's life while I was desperately trying to keep my own together.
But I do get the craziness - I do get that this curse of widowhood can lead to it. I am beginning to think that I may be going crazy too! There is only so much stress, pain, disappointment and hardship that some people can take. Maybe she has reached her limit. Maybe I am close to reaching mine.
Hearing about this woman had a profound impact on me - it was like a shot of reality hitting me. Sobering and scary. Real and honest. I am getting sick of making such an effort to be hopeful and optimistic. For some of us, widowhood just plain and simply sucks and I don't want to sugarcoat this anymore. My life has certainly remained pretty difficult and it is a draining challenge to continue to face the days, let alone the future.
I have come to believe that widowhood can make you crazy.
I dropped my oldest off at school and went by a house in our old neighborhood where a widowed woman lived before she moved a couple years ago. She was a fanatical gardener and when I took walks I used to stop to chat with her as I went by. She revealed that widowhood had made her terribly lonely and she gardened to fill the gap. She laughed as she showed me the little pond she'd added, admitting that she might be getting a bit "crazy" with her obsession. Now, as I look back to what I know about her I feel sad and somewhat frightened about my future too.
All those negative portrayals that exist about widows - you know, the women who own too many cats or the ones always threatening the kids who run across their grass. It makes sense to me - how the loneliness and heartache can make someone bitter and cross. I have even found that my social skills have gone down because I have lost opportunities to converse on a daily basis with an adult. No wonder an older widow might become scared and reclusive.
For whatever reasons I think it is easier for men to pick themselves back up, dust themselves off and start dating women 15-20 years younger as seen by my son's girlfriend's own father ! I have read that men can more readily distract themselves from hardship and difficulties. Be that as it may. I saw a woman about age 60 go into Pizza Hut with a book in her hand when I was there picking up a $10.00 pizza for the boys. I had to give her credit for dining in, at a Pizza Hut no less. If I were on my own I would have taken it home and eaten in front of the t.v. This also bothered me a little. I told my close girlfriend about it and joked that if we are still single in 10 years we'll move into a luxury townhouse or condo together.
But I don't want to be alone. Yet at the same time, right now I don't possess the energy or optimism to date or get out there. There has been too much pain and it is still there, too close to my heart and spirit.
I think about the woman gardening. If I had been in her shoes with two grown-up sons, which she had, what would I have done? Probably done some volunteering in the community in lieu of the solitary gardening. I suppose I would have eventually made efforts to meet a gentleman - maybe taken some cruises or trips. But I shouldn't be talking because right now I can't even muster the energy to try and create more social options in my life be they with men or women! This widowhood has the strength to rob us of opportunities and desires - to leave us heartbroken and broken in spirit. And the supreme power to make us crazy, hopefully only temporarily.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
On the Mend a Little Bit
I am on the mend but still not 100%. What I am finding is that while I'm ill, my mood and optimism seem to have plummeted too. So right now along with being sick, I am down and out. I am telling myself that this is okay. I need to concentrate on getting better and forget all those plans to go out and conquer the world. There is a lot of sadness though about there not being someone here to provide a little nurturing. I really believed that by this time I would have long been remarried and reestablished in a "normal" life again. I had so hoped that my sons would have had a prominent and caring male figure in their lives. Part of me cannot believe that the relationships I've entered into since my husband died ended up causing me a whole lot more pain. But why am I even thinking of this stuff? I guess being so under the weather and on my own having to battle it brings forth these thoughts and longings.
Maybe being sick causes us to feel even more vulnerable and helpless than we normally do. Everyday there is such a fight to hang in there emotionally. Now another layer is added - that of fighting to regain physical strength. I am very tired, weak and drawn out right now. Part of me wants to just stay down here in the muck and grime because I don't seem to have much energy or desire to have at it again. Some old ghosts have come to pay a visit - the ghosts of my old house, my divorce, the life I used to have. I could sure use a real person in the flesh and blood right now to drop on by - not one of these old memories. Is this what they mean by the saying "Misery Loves Company?"
Maybe being sick causes us to feel even more vulnerable and helpless than we normally do. Everyday there is such a fight to hang in there emotionally. Now another layer is added - that of fighting to regain physical strength. I am very tired, weak and drawn out right now. Part of me wants to just stay down here in the muck and grime because I don't seem to have much energy or desire to have at it again. Some old ghosts have come to pay a visit - the ghosts of my old house, my divorce, the life I used to have. I could sure use a real person in the flesh and blood right now to drop on by - not one of these old memories. Is this what they mean by the saying "Misery Loves Company?"
Sunday, February 28, 2010
One is the Lonliest Number
I live in an area where if you throw a stone in any direction, you will wind up in a cute, historic town full of quaint shops and restaurants. So, since I had to drive 30-minutes away to return my son's Elvis costume, I planned to stop off at a yarn and antique store in the area of the costume shop. Just window shopping mind you. But I get a lot of ideas window shopping and since my boys were out for the day had a little time of my own. A way to battle some of the winter stir-craziness.
The town with the yarn store was filled with middle-aged couples (straight and gay) holding hands while strolling down the streets. My eyes always gravitate to these fit and young looking 60-ish pairs, smiling at one another, stopping to embrace. Then in the yarn store, women in twos were mingling about. I assume there were some that were friends and others mother-daughter or sister pairs.
It is hard always going out on one's own. But if you are someone alone and want to go somewhere, what is the option? I enjoy my window shopping excursions but would enjoy them far more if they were shared with a friend or partner. Judith Sills, PhD, in her book, "Getting Naked Again - Dating, Romance, Sex and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted" talks about this. By the way, the book is very good. Anyway, she basically says that all of us will at some point in our lives be on our own, without a partner. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is where we are at that place in our lives.
So I try to hold my head up high and enjoy browsing the bins of brightly colored yarn or shop of antiques and collectible treasures. I try to not feel too down viewing the happy couples that seem to multiply in front of my eyes. But it is still hard and I am still lonely, even though I enjoyed my brief afternoon respite of window shopping.
I am grateful:
1. For yarn shops - I want to live in one!
2. For antique stores.
3. For book stores, whether they are chains or secondhand ones.
4. For libraries.
5. For 60-ish couples who look so vibrant and in love. Puts aside the myth that you have to be young to be happy and in love. Gives me hope that someday I'll be walking down the street joining that group sometime in the future.
The town with the yarn store was filled with middle-aged couples (straight and gay) holding hands while strolling down the streets. My eyes always gravitate to these fit and young looking 60-ish pairs, smiling at one another, stopping to embrace. Then in the yarn store, women in twos were mingling about. I assume there were some that were friends and others mother-daughter or sister pairs.
It is hard always going out on one's own. But if you are someone alone and want to go somewhere, what is the option? I enjoy my window shopping excursions but would enjoy them far more if they were shared with a friend or partner. Judith Sills, PhD, in her book, "Getting Naked Again - Dating, Romance, Sex and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted" talks about this. By the way, the book is very good. Anyway, she basically says that all of us will at some point in our lives be on our own, without a partner. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is where we are at that place in our lives.
So I try to hold my head up high and enjoy browsing the bins of brightly colored yarn or shop of antiques and collectible treasures. I try to not feel too down viewing the happy couples that seem to multiply in front of my eyes. But it is still hard and I am still lonely, even though I enjoyed my brief afternoon respite of window shopping.
I am grateful:
1. For yarn shops - I want to live in one!
2. For antique stores.
3. For book stores, whether they are chains or secondhand ones.
4. For libraries.
5. For 60-ish couples who look so vibrant and in love. Puts aside the myth that you have to be young to be happy and in love. Gives me hope that someday I'll be walking down the street joining that group sometime in the future.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Old Man Winter Blues
It was just so cold yesterday when I went out in the morning to face the blowing snow to clean off the van so I could take the boys to school. Instead of feeling energized and uplifted after surviving the record-breaking snowfall, I felt dispirited and defeated. What did it matter? So I got through one storm. Now there was the bitter cold to face. And some more snow on the way besides.
I know the Eastern coast has been hit harder than the Midwest. Others are out there battling the elements along with me. I'm not the only one struggling, nor am I the only widowed mom. But there are fewer of us and it is harder for us - those of us alone.
An unusual small scale earthquake hit Illinois, near the Chicago area yesterday. I watched the news reports of witness accounts. The men and woman would say things like, "My husband woke me up" or "We felt the bed shake." All of them seemed to have references to a partner who was there with them, there in bed with them.
That's kind of the downer about this whole winter weather scene. Now is the time when snuggling and cuddling are the most useful and restorative. This is the time when we give extra thanks for the warm body next to us providing heat and comfort. And yes, even protection from threats such as intruders breaking in, which is what one woman thought was happening when the earthquake stuck at 3:59 a.m.
I come in out of the cold needing to feel safe and warm. And while my body temperature rises, I think a part of me deep inside continues to remain frozen. Like that little bit in the middle of a chicken breast being thawed. It stubbornly refuses to thaw and I always end up impatiently tossing it into the oven anyway. It is not enough to lie in that queen or king size bed. When you're lying there alone and you don't want to be, the wide expanse of extra space is mean and mocking. Yes, you're warm and maybe even cozy and comfortable. But that part of your heart that yearns for companionship, conversation, sex, love and nurturing remains as empty as the space formally occupied by a loving partner.
Chilled to the bone on so many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Today I am grateful:
1. For seeing the sliver of sun just above the horizon as I dropped the boys off at school.
2. For seeing the reflection of that sun in the windows of a home.
3. For seeing the sun seem to rise out of nowhere within minutes and cast its glowing warmth over the cold morning.
4. That it wasn't too difficult scraping off the van's windows this morning.
5. For protection against the harsh winter elements.
I know the Eastern coast has been hit harder than the Midwest. Others are out there battling the elements along with me. I'm not the only one struggling, nor am I the only widowed mom. But there are fewer of us and it is harder for us - those of us alone.
An unusual small scale earthquake hit Illinois, near the Chicago area yesterday. I watched the news reports of witness accounts. The men and woman would say things like, "My husband woke me up" or "We felt the bed shake." All of them seemed to have references to a partner who was there with them, there in bed with them.
That's kind of the downer about this whole winter weather scene. Now is the time when snuggling and cuddling are the most useful and restorative. This is the time when we give extra thanks for the warm body next to us providing heat and comfort. And yes, even protection from threats such as intruders breaking in, which is what one woman thought was happening when the earthquake stuck at 3:59 a.m.
I come in out of the cold needing to feel safe and warm. And while my body temperature rises, I think a part of me deep inside continues to remain frozen. Like that little bit in the middle of a chicken breast being thawed. It stubbornly refuses to thaw and I always end up impatiently tossing it into the oven anyway. It is not enough to lie in that queen or king size bed. When you're lying there alone and you don't want to be, the wide expanse of extra space is mean and mocking. Yes, you're warm and maybe even cozy and comfortable. But that part of your heart that yearns for companionship, conversation, sex, love and nurturing remains as empty as the space formally occupied by a loving partner.
Chilled to the bone on so many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Today I am grateful:
1. For seeing the sliver of sun just above the horizon as I dropped the boys off at school.
2. For seeing the reflection of that sun in the windows of a home.
3. For seeing the sun seem to rise out of nowhere within minutes and cast its glowing warmth over the cold morning.
4. That it wasn't too difficult scraping off the van's windows this morning.
5. For protection against the harsh winter elements.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Snickers Bar Instead Of A Hug
I'm needing emotional support, encouragement and just plain someone to take over the reigns for a minute or two. But where does someone like me, the only adult in the home and parent to two male teens get some of that?
I knew not seeing Sam this weekend would emotionally set me back. I don't think he fully realizes as do others who haven't lost a spouse, just how depleting living alone (without another adult in the home) can be. I needed to be with Sam to emotionally recharge, feel wanted, desired, and share adult conversation in person.
I'm concentrating on the job search right now which is a drain. You have to pump yourself up and board that train of optimism. But then when you get home there isn't anyone there to pat your back, give you a hug, provide a pep talk or rub your feet.
Snow showers on and off today. Worried about not being able to afford food. That $336.00 car repair bill and then the $95.00 needed for my son's overnight field trip killed the food budget. This may be the month I have to beg the boys to try and eat at their friend's houses. Having to carry this worry and dread around with me all day on my own adds to my tension and stress.
What can I say, what can I do but take a few moments to vent about my predicament here. I have to try and remain hopeful that I'll be hired for a job quickly. I applied at two places Monday but only one today because of the snow. I plan on hitting three places tomorrow. My goal is to physically apply at two places daily. I'm avoiding the on-line applications for now believing personal interaction will be more effective.
Part of me is trying to keep myself pumped by believing that I have great job skills, experience and education so eventually I'll find something. I will be a great asset to an employer. There is just this gun to my head with the reality that it is imperative I find a job quickly simply because I have to feed my sons. They are my sole responsibility. It all rests on my shoulders. Their care and well being along with my own.
Tonight there were no hugs or words of "It'll be okay." Instead I rummaged around in the old trick and treat candy and had a couple smashed in individual-sized Snickers bars. I would take the hug any day.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the Valentine Day's heart cutouts I saw on some doors and windows as decorations.
2. For the light dusting of snow that covered the ground and trees looking very pretty and serene.
3. For the smell of Noxema skin care cream.
4. For the turkey tenderloin roast I got for only $1.99.
5. For leftover Halloween candy worth one more look before tossing.
I knew not seeing Sam this weekend would emotionally set me back. I don't think he fully realizes as do others who haven't lost a spouse, just how depleting living alone (without another adult in the home) can be. I needed to be with Sam to emotionally recharge, feel wanted, desired, and share adult conversation in person.
I'm concentrating on the job search right now which is a drain. You have to pump yourself up and board that train of optimism. But then when you get home there isn't anyone there to pat your back, give you a hug, provide a pep talk or rub your feet.
Snow showers on and off today. Worried about not being able to afford food. That $336.00 car repair bill and then the $95.00 needed for my son's overnight field trip killed the food budget. This may be the month I have to beg the boys to try and eat at their friend's houses. Having to carry this worry and dread around with me all day on my own adds to my tension and stress.
What can I say, what can I do but take a few moments to vent about my predicament here. I have to try and remain hopeful that I'll be hired for a job quickly. I applied at two places Monday but only one today because of the snow. I plan on hitting three places tomorrow. My goal is to physically apply at two places daily. I'm avoiding the on-line applications for now believing personal interaction will be more effective.
Part of me is trying to keep myself pumped by believing that I have great job skills, experience and education so eventually I'll find something. I will be a great asset to an employer. There is just this gun to my head with the reality that it is imperative I find a job quickly simply because I have to feed my sons. They are my sole responsibility. It all rests on my shoulders. Their care and well being along with my own.
Tonight there were no hugs or words of "It'll be okay." Instead I rummaged around in the old trick and treat candy and had a couple smashed in individual-sized Snickers bars. I would take the hug any day.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the Valentine Day's heart cutouts I saw on some doors and windows as decorations.
2. For the light dusting of snow that covered the ground and trees looking very pretty and serene.
3. For the smell of Noxema skin care cream.
4. For the turkey tenderloin roast I got for only $1.99.
5. For leftover Halloween candy worth one more look before tossing.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
All By Myself
I knew this would be a tough weekend in terms of feeling alone. But I am surprised at the intensity of my loneliness. I guess I need to try and find diversions for myself to get out and about in the future because here on my own I just seem to simmer and stew. Not that I'm unproductive. I've been going through the boxes of my parent's paperwork that has been in the storage shed. Tonight one of the boxes I concentrated on was full of cassette tapes of my dad's. This is a depressing job because none of the tapes are labeled. There have to be around 100. So I am playing them on a cassette recorder before tossing in case he recorded one of our high school band or orchestra performances. I got to hear Richard Nixon's resignation speech and a couple of band concerts, although which one or year is unknown. Then the cassette player broke, probably because the tapes I am trying to play are circa 1975.
In a sense, the mere fact that I am taking the time to listen to these tapes is depressing in and of itself. But I know he taped us kids talking at the dinner table and I do not want one of those thrown out. I came across a bunch of old slides from a trip he took in the late 1950s and some taken of he and my Mom on a trip they took a few months before I was born. Then there were some wedding photos of my father's brother. So in between the junk are a few treasures.
Because the boys are out I decided to make do with what is in the pantry for my dinner and save what I was going to fix for tomorrow. That way I can stretch out the food budget. But there really isn't anything tasty except odd flavored soups such as leek and bean with bacon that I now have no idea why I ever purchased. I am going to try the leek soup but wish there was some split pea or veggie.
There are times it is good to be reflective, contemplative and by yourself. But right now with the gloom of winter upon us, I need to be surrounded by loving warmth and company. I wish I didn't have to be home alone tonight. I am down about that. And the leek soup doesn't help! It would be better if there were some carbs around to uplift my spirits a bit. I should motivate myself to bake some blueberry muffins or some oatmeal cookies but hearing the Nixon speech kind of put a damper on my enthusiasm. I'm holding out for Saturday Night Live which I hope will bring me a laugh or two. Having some popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate while watching might revive me a little.
Today I am grateful:
1. That although it is cold it is not bitterly so.
2. For the moon overhead - hauntingly beautiful tonight.
3. For the cute ovenmitt I got at the dollar store. I needed one since all my towels and such are hidden somewhere in the depths of the storage shed.
4. That my oldest had a good time on his overnight band trip.
5. For the opportunity and means to vent about my pathetic Saturday night on my own!
In a sense, the mere fact that I am taking the time to listen to these tapes is depressing in and of itself. But I know he taped us kids talking at the dinner table and I do not want one of those thrown out. I came across a bunch of old slides from a trip he took in the late 1950s and some taken of he and my Mom on a trip they took a few months before I was born. Then there were some wedding photos of my father's brother. So in between the junk are a few treasures.
Because the boys are out I decided to make do with what is in the pantry for my dinner and save what I was going to fix for tomorrow. That way I can stretch out the food budget. But there really isn't anything tasty except odd flavored soups such as leek and bean with bacon that I now have no idea why I ever purchased. I am going to try the leek soup but wish there was some split pea or veggie.
There are times it is good to be reflective, contemplative and by yourself. But right now with the gloom of winter upon us, I need to be surrounded by loving warmth and company. I wish I didn't have to be home alone tonight. I am down about that. And the leek soup doesn't help! It would be better if there were some carbs around to uplift my spirits a bit. I should motivate myself to bake some blueberry muffins or some oatmeal cookies but hearing the Nixon speech kind of put a damper on my enthusiasm. I'm holding out for Saturday Night Live which I hope will bring me a laugh or two. Having some popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate while watching might revive me a little.
Today I am grateful:
1. That although it is cold it is not bitterly so.
2. For the moon overhead - hauntingly beautiful tonight.
3. For the cute ovenmitt I got at the dollar store. I needed one since all my towels and such are hidden somewhere in the depths of the storage shed.
4. That my oldest had a good time on his overnight band trip.
5. For the opportunity and means to vent about my pathetic Saturday night on my own!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Love, Sacrifice and Gas Money
The following passage is from the current book I'm reading by Sandra Kring, "Thank You For All Things." I read it last night and it really struck a chord with me. Today I am finding that it relates to my situation:
"Oh, you know your father. First saving every penny for that sawmill, then for his retirement." Oma sighs. "Isn't that the way it goes, though? We get caught up in getting ahead, planning ahead, and for what? Whatever money he could have left at this point is useless to him. What does any of it matter in the end but who we loved and how we loved them."
I just really connect with that last sentence and know that after my husband died, I often thought that exact same thing.
This morning it is was very cold (frigid, single digits) and the van's heat was not blowing out. I was forced to take it in for an inspection. Turns out to be a faulty heating blower that will be fixed for $336.00. I suppose in the grand scheme of life this is not a major setback - I mean it is under $500.00. But when there isn't a fund in place to take care of unplanned emergencies, this cost is a fortune. This next month might be the one where we are eating PB & J for dinner three times a week. I'm gearing up for that.
I had to humble myself and ask the repair shop if they could hold my check until the 1st when the pension check is deposited. They were kind enough to agree to this. For that I am grateful. But now Sam has decided that due to this unexpected cost it is not a good idea for me to visit him this weekend, which had been planned for weeks. It is cost prohibitive to make the trip since between gas and tolls, the amount I spend to see him is about $80.00. Sam reminded me that when I made the decision to have the boys stay here for the school year, it was going to be a very tight financial sacrifice to do so.
I understand and appreciate his view. But I am sad about this. Both my boys will be gone this weekend, one on an overnight field trip and the other snowboarding with a buddy. As much as I long for peace and quiet, when I'm actually alone here I end up feeling very lonely. I'll try to make the best of it by going through boxes from the storage shed, organizing my financial papers and finishing my resume so I can start pounding the pavement bright and early Monday morning in a warm van, thank goodness!
However, there is still part of me that does not think staying home is the right decision. People need to connect on an emotional and physical level and it is a challenge to maintain a long-distance relationship. January has been a tough month for me and now I won't be seeing the number one person in my life whom I rely on for support. Conversing over the phone leaves a lot to be desired.
We'll be saving $80.00 but at what cost? To have me feeling disgruntled, hurt, semi-rejected and down this weekend. To have Sam's son need to go with him to work on Sunday for at least part of the day since I'm not there. And maybe even go with him on Saturday afternoon if he is not comfortable staying by himself.
Maybe it is because I know firsthand what this author set out so wisely in words. That in the end, our relationships and love matter more than the gas money. And maybe sometimes the sacrifice has to go in the other direction. Instead of saving the money, the sacrifice comes from spending it. Having written this post, I am left with the niggling feeling that the cost of saving $80.00 won't be worth it. There will be damage from putting off seeing one another, which raises another point - sometimes you have to spend money to save money because it ends up costing more to fix something broken than maintain it in the first place.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The kindness of small business owners allowing checks to be held til the 1st.
2. The fact that the needed van repair was only $336.00 - it could have been worse.
3. The warmth of hot towels fresh from the dryer.
4. The sun which made a pleasant appearance after hiding under the covers most of the month.
5. Electricity. As much as I am getting into burning candles, thank goodness I'm burning them with lights on and that I don't have to read by candlelight!
"Oh, you know your father. First saving every penny for that sawmill, then for his retirement." Oma sighs. "Isn't that the way it goes, though? We get caught up in getting ahead, planning ahead, and for what? Whatever money he could have left at this point is useless to him. What does any of it matter in the end but who we loved and how we loved them."
I just really connect with that last sentence and know that after my husband died, I often thought that exact same thing.
This morning it is was very cold (frigid, single digits) and the van's heat was not blowing out. I was forced to take it in for an inspection. Turns out to be a faulty heating blower that will be fixed for $336.00. I suppose in the grand scheme of life this is not a major setback - I mean it is under $500.00. But when there isn't a fund in place to take care of unplanned emergencies, this cost is a fortune. This next month might be the one where we are eating PB & J for dinner three times a week. I'm gearing up for that.
I had to humble myself and ask the repair shop if they could hold my check until the 1st when the pension check is deposited. They were kind enough to agree to this. For that I am grateful. But now Sam has decided that due to this unexpected cost it is not a good idea for me to visit him this weekend, which had been planned for weeks. It is cost prohibitive to make the trip since between gas and tolls, the amount I spend to see him is about $80.00. Sam reminded me that when I made the decision to have the boys stay here for the school year, it was going to be a very tight financial sacrifice to do so.
I understand and appreciate his view. But I am sad about this. Both my boys will be gone this weekend, one on an overnight field trip and the other snowboarding with a buddy. As much as I long for peace and quiet, when I'm actually alone here I end up feeling very lonely. I'll try to make the best of it by going through boxes from the storage shed, organizing my financial papers and finishing my resume so I can start pounding the pavement bright and early Monday morning in a warm van, thank goodness!
However, there is still part of me that does not think staying home is the right decision. People need to connect on an emotional and physical level and it is a challenge to maintain a long-distance relationship. January has been a tough month for me and now I won't be seeing the number one person in my life whom I rely on for support. Conversing over the phone leaves a lot to be desired.
We'll be saving $80.00 but at what cost? To have me feeling disgruntled, hurt, semi-rejected and down this weekend. To have Sam's son need to go with him to work on Sunday for at least part of the day since I'm not there. And maybe even go with him on Saturday afternoon if he is not comfortable staying by himself.
Maybe it is because I know firsthand what this author set out so wisely in words. That in the end, our relationships and love matter more than the gas money. And maybe sometimes the sacrifice has to go in the other direction. Instead of saving the money, the sacrifice comes from spending it. Having written this post, I am left with the niggling feeling that the cost of saving $80.00 won't be worth it. There will be damage from putting off seeing one another, which raises another point - sometimes you have to spend money to save money because it ends up costing more to fix something broken than maintain it in the first place.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The kindness of small business owners allowing checks to be held til the 1st.
2. The fact that the needed van repair was only $336.00 - it could have been worse.
3. The warmth of hot towels fresh from the dryer.
4. The sun which made a pleasant appearance after hiding under the covers most of the month.
5. Electricity. As much as I am getting into burning candles, thank goodness I'm burning them with lights on and that I don't have to read by candlelight!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Winter Blues
There is a daily fatigue that seems to settle into my bones during the winter months. An undercurrent of fear simmers that I will fall on the ice and break a bone. Who would care for me? The winter weather and darker days exaggerate my being alone.
These are the days for hunkering down and snuggling a bit longer under the covers. I miss having a warm body next to me sleeping. I miss the absence of a strong male presence in the home. Someone to rely on when the roads are slippery with snow coming down - just knowing they can be called to come make a rescue if I land in a snowbank.
I feel vulnerable and lonely. Soon after my husband died, someone told me that I was so lucky I had the boys to raise - because I would never be lonely (and I would be too busy besides). But I think it goes without saying that I am lonely for romance and adult interaction. You can be lonely even living with a large number of people (think homesick college freshman living in a dorm).
Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. I felt I had that when my husband was alive. We served as cheerleaders for each other. Now I have to rely on the occasional well wishes of friends and acquaintances. There is not a daily support mechanism in place. And truth be told, it gets pretty old pretty quickly being your own cheerleader.
I miss looking forward to a night out for dinner, a movie or a show with a partner. Those are the kinds of activities that help recharge our batteries. I miss planning a romantic dinner at home complete with a special meal and candles. I miss all the physical aspects of being in a romantic relationship, mostly the day-to-day hugs, affectionate pats, smiles and verbal affirmation.
We are ending finals week at the boy's school and I am convinced that the best decision was made to keep them here. But it does come at a great price because I have lost regular physical contact with Sam and I am sad about that. Long distance relationships bring with them their own challenges, in addition to all the others that exist in maintaining a committed relationship in the first place.
The well-known author and psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote all the birth order books, believes that single parents should not even consider remarrying until their children are out of school. He feels there are too many conflicting problems and issues in attempting to blend families together. I can certainly relate to his reasoning since I have struggled with balancing the needs of my sons with that of my own. And there is a part of me that remains annoyed with the situation of Sam moving out-of-state to take a job. It is such a slap in the face to me. To have met a decent, compatible guy and have him move away. It seems so ironic that I made a conscious decision to date only locally because I did not want to face a relocation. And then the same situation ended up presenting itself. I am beyond trying to figure out a rhyme or reason to this and just want to be able to rely on some safety and reliability for a change instead of having to dodge curve balls.
My husband's death came at a rotten time in regard to the boys' ages. It would have been easier if they had been younger or older in terms of relocating and remarriage. But I guess there is not much point to dwelling on that. It is what it is and I am where I am and have to somehow make the best of all of this from this point on. And part of that means facing any upcoming winter storms on my own here, at least for the time being. My sixth winter on my own.
Today I am grateful that:
1. We are surviving finals week.
2. The temperature today will be close to 40 degrees.
3. The boys have worked very hard on their academics (they had three weeks of missed work to make up).
4. We have not gone hungry this month.
5. The boys were welcomed back to their school with open arms, love and support.
These are the days for hunkering down and snuggling a bit longer under the covers. I miss having a warm body next to me sleeping. I miss the absence of a strong male presence in the home. Someone to rely on when the roads are slippery with snow coming down - just knowing they can be called to come make a rescue if I land in a snowbank.
I feel vulnerable and lonely. Soon after my husband died, someone told me that I was so lucky I had the boys to raise - because I would never be lonely (and I would be too busy besides). But I think it goes without saying that I am lonely for romance and adult interaction. You can be lonely even living with a large number of people (think homesick college freshman living in a dorm).
Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. I felt I had that when my husband was alive. We served as cheerleaders for each other. Now I have to rely on the occasional well wishes of friends and acquaintances. There is not a daily support mechanism in place. And truth be told, it gets pretty old pretty quickly being your own cheerleader.
I miss looking forward to a night out for dinner, a movie or a show with a partner. Those are the kinds of activities that help recharge our batteries. I miss planning a romantic dinner at home complete with a special meal and candles. I miss all the physical aspects of being in a romantic relationship, mostly the day-to-day hugs, affectionate pats, smiles and verbal affirmation.
We are ending finals week at the boy's school and I am convinced that the best decision was made to keep them here. But it does come at a great price because I have lost regular physical contact with Sam and I am sad about that. Long distance relationships bring with them their own challenges, in addition to all the others that exist in maintaining a committed relationship in the first place.
The well-known author and psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote all the birth order books, believes that single parents should not even consider remarrying until their children are out of school. He feels there are too many conflicting problems and issues in attempting to blend families together. I can certainly relate to his reasoning since I have struggled with balancing the needs of my sons with that of my own. And there is a part of me that remains annoyed with the situation of Sam moving out-of-state to take a job. It is such a slap in the face to me. To have met a decent, compatible guy and have him move away. It seems so ironic that I made a conscious decision to date only locally because I did not want to face a relocation. And then the same situation ended up presenting itself. I am beyond trying to figure out a rhyme or reason to this and just want to be able to rely on some safety and reliability for a change instead of having to dodge curve balls.
My husband's death came at a rotten time in regard to the boys' ages. It would have been easier if they had been younger or older in terms of relocating and remarriage. But I guess there is not much point to dwelling on that. It is what it is and I am where I am and have to somehow make the best of all of this from this point on. And part of that means facing any upcoming winter storms on my own here, at least for the time being. My sixth winter on my own.
Today I am grateful that:
1. We are surviving finals week.
2. The temperature today will be close to 40 degrees.
3. The boys have worked very hard on their academics (they had three weeks of missed work to make up).
4. We have not gone hungry this month.
5. The boys were welcomed back to their school with open arms, love and support.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Marriage Reflections
Yesterday while we were with GF (for purposes of this post I will refer to him as Saul), he did something that was so perfectly HIM and what he would do I pointed it out and called it a "Saulism." He agreed with me that his buying three different burritos at the same time when he went in to get dinner was exactly something he'd do. We both laughed and appreciated his measure to save time by buying enough at once to take home and have for other meals/leftovers. I am glad that GF and I have reached the point where I know him well enough to predict what he'd order off the menu or how he'd react to a certain situation. To have gotten to the point where I recognize his quirks and accept them instead of being annoyed by them. This got me to also reflect on what I really valued about marriage to Husband #1 which was the commitment part through thick and thin. There were a number of times in my marriage where I could have thrown in the towel but I didn't. We hung in there and made it to the other side. It was worth that effort not only for the boys but ourselves as well.
When I first started to date after my husband's death, I heard from others how exciting it would be to go through the butterflies and anticipation of getting to know someone again. I actually dreaded that part of the process and if I could have would have fast-forwarded to skip it all. Having been married and survived many challenges within my marriage, all that new dating stuff just seemed like a lot of "fluff" to me. I wanted the substance of really knowing someone. So well that when the doctor comes to you asking what your husband's wishes for treatment would be, you know exactly what they are and feel comfortable relating that to the doctor. It is because you know that person intimately and have lived with them through the challenges as well as the good times.
I resisted dating and getting back out there because I wanted to go right to the solid predictability of what I'd had in my marriage. But of course, we all know that to get to that point you have to go through the early stuff so eventually I started to date because I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. And to be fully honest, I also missed the physical intimacy and sex. My husband was ill for a number of years and during that time sex was a pretty low priority for us. I regretted that after going a few years without any. I promised myself that in the future I'd never take a single sexual encounter for granted again.
It is difficult to date when you have kids and are an only parent. There are no alternating weekends off. So when I met the man who became my second husband and we seemed to get along well, I threw in the towel and stuck with him. I didn't date anyone else and married very quickly, I suppose in a way to cement the intimacy and connection I so much wanted. But a pairing between a widowed mom devoted to her children and a never-married 50-year-old man with very limited relationship experience was not a good fit. He wanted the excitement of the new relationship and I wanted the stability and security of the humdrum married life. I was willing to work through thick and thin. He wanted to be in control because he'd always been able to be. And there were issues between divided loyalty between a husband and the fatherless children from the previous marriage. Husband #2 often said he felt he was in competition with my late husband as well as my boys.
I just wanted my old life back - that of a middle-aged suburban soccer mom. And when given the chance tried to recreate what probably couldn't be, at least with the man I married. I try to limit what I post about Husband #2 out of respect for GF who reads this blog. I still feel tremedous betrayal and hurt over my divorce, although the shock has diminished. It sometimes amazes me that after such loss (a husband dying and the new one divorcing me so quickly) that I could ever experience feelings of love and romance again. But somehow life has gone on and a good, decent, kind guy has hung in there by my side for long enough a time to surpass the honeymoon period to get to that point that means the most to me - knowing someone more deeply and imtimately. This is what matters and is most important. To be able to nod one's head knowingly and smile because your significant other did something you can see him doing. And it is cute and funny and a good thing to have reached that place again.
When I first started to date after my husband's death, I heard from others how exciting it would be to go through the butterflies and anticipation of getting to know someone again. I actually dreaded that part of the process and if I could have would have fast-forwarded to skip it all. Having been married and survived many challenges within my marriage, all that new dating stuff just seemed like a lot of "fluff" to me. I wanted the substance of really knowing someone. So well that when the doctor comes to you asking what your husband's wishes for treatment would be, you know exactly what they are and feel comfortable relating that to the doctor. It is because you know that person intimately and have lived with them through the challenges as well as the good times.
I resisted dating and getting back out there because I wanted to go right to the solid predictability of what I'd had in my marriage. But of course, we all know that to get to that point you have to go through the early stuff so eventually I started to date because I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. And to be fully honest, I also missed the physical intimacy and sex. My husband was ill for a number of years and during that time sex was a pretty low priority for us. I regretted that after going a few years without any. I promised myself that in the future I'd never take a single sexual encounter for granted again.
It is difficult to date when you have kids and are an only parent. There are no alternating weekends off. So when I met the man who became my second husband and we seemed to get along well, I threw in the towel and stuck with him. I didn't date anyone else and married very quickly, I suppose in a way to cement the intimacy and connection I so much wanted. But a pairing between a widowed mom devoted to her children and a never-married 50-year-old man with very limited relationship experience was not a good fit. He wanted the excitement of the new relationship and I wanted the stability and security of the humdrum married life. I was willing to work through thick and thin. He wanted to be in control because he'd always been able to be. And there were issues between divided loyalty between a husband and the fatherless children from the previous marriage. Husband #2 often said he felt he was in competition with my late husband as well as my boys.
I just wanted my old life back - that of a middle-aged suburban soccer mom. And when given the chance tried to recreate what probably couldn't be, at least with the man I married. I try to limit what I post about Husband #2 out of respect for GF who reads this blog. I still feel tremedous betrayal and hurt over my divorce, although the shock has diminished. It sometimes amazes me that after such loss (a husband dying and the new one divorcing me so quickly) that I could ever experience feelings of love and romance again. But somehow life has gone on and a good, decent, kind guy has hung in there by my side for long enough a time to surpass the honeymoon period to get to that point that means the most to me - knowing someone more deeply and imtimately. This is what matters and is most important. To be able to nod one's head knowingly and smile because your significant other did something you can see him doing. And it is cute and funny and a good thing to have reached that place again.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Compliments and Touches Needed
Something my first (real) husband said to me when we initially met, really struck a nerve with me and I still remember the impact it had. He had been in divorce proceedings with his wife for nine months and before that they had pretty much been living together but leading separate lives for quite awhile. They had not been intimate for a long time and during the divorce he really recognized how much he missed the physical contact of a woman. So to counteract that feeling, he'd schedule frequent haircut appointments just so he could have a woman's hands touch his head. I remember feeling so sad when he told me this. I didn't realize it at the time but his admission was pretty deep for a guy - most would probably not admit their vulnerability to a new girlfriend as he did to me.
The lack of physical contact (hugs, kisses, hand holding, back rubs, not to mention sex) takes a toll on those of us living alone. My divorced guy friend recently told me that what he misses most about having been married is not being able to sleep next to someone anymore. What I miss is the absence of those little confidence boosters I'd get from both my husbands in regard to the way I looked. I miss those compliments and find myself feeling almost like a faceless blob when I venture out in the world. Do I look good anymore? Am I still pretty? Should I cut my hair or keep it longer? Do my outfits look nice? It helps to hear something positive about your outer appearance even though I know to some extent it is vain. Not hearing these remarks has made me start to wonder about how I DO look. I'm not someone to brag about myself - I don't think many of us are - still, it gives such a boost to know that the care you took into applying your makeup, doing your hair or choosing your outfit is noticed by someone. I'm not expecting anyone to say I look beautiful - a simple, "Your purse is cute" would be more than enough!
Ever since my husband died, I've noticed how few of us offer compliments to others in our daily lives, as well as heart-felt thank yous. So I've made an effort to do so everyday, wherever I am - the grocery store, at work, with my sons' friends, when I'm with friends. I always try to say nice, positive remarks. At work I compliment polite kids to their parents, nice outfits, jewelry, purses, etc. I let customers know that I think the gift they've chosen is nice, or the colors of their towels is really the in color for the new season. They are all genuine remarks and I do it because I think all of us need to hear more positives. It's funny though, because you'd think with the Law of Attraction and all that I'd be getting some compliments back for all those that I give but so far they're not being returned to me with much frequency.
On to my little secret weapon. Whenever I'm feeling starved for compliments, I go to Carson's to try on clothes in a dressing room. I don't plan on buying anything but I can try some new outfits on and see how I look in a full length mirror, and even catch my backside too. I can see how my hair looks from all angles, practice my smile, toss my hair over my shoulders. Not the same as hearing I look nice from someone but a way to assess myself and hopefully come out with an appreciation for my appearance. Kind of like what my husband did when he went to get a haircut - trying to find a substitute to give him the feeling he was missing. This is my way for now. I'll fit that in next week - it has been almost a year since I've gone clothes shopping anyway.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the continued cooler weather since our Central A/C isn't working.
2. For having the opportunity to sleep in a bit this morning.
3. That my guy friend fixed my broken downstairs commode (out of commission since February).
4. That my son chose the cheaper soccer shoes on sale (and they cost me only $22.00!).
5. That I didn't have to work until closing today (so I didn't have to clean the public restroom and now I have a moment to read a magazine before bed!).
The lack of physical contact (hugs, kisses, hand holding, back rubs, not to mention sex) takes a toll on those of us living alone. My divorced guy friend recently told me that what he misses most about having been married is not being able to sleep next to someone anymore. What I miss is the absence of those little confidence boosters I'd get from both my husbands in regard to the way I looked. I miss those compliments and find myself feeling almost like a faceless blob when I venture out in the world. Do I look good anymore? Am I still pretty? Should I cut my hair or keep it longer? Do my outfits look nice? It helps to hear something positive about your outer appearance even though I know to some extent it is vain. Not hearing these remarks has made me start to wonder about how I DO look. I'm not someone to brag about myself - I don't think many of us are - still, it gives such a boost to know that the care you took into applying your makeup, doing your hair or choosing your outfit is noticed by someone. I'm not expecting anyone to say I look beautiful - a simple, "Your purse is cute" would be more than enough!
Ever since my husband died, I've noticed how few of us offer compliments to others in our daily lives, as well as heart-felt thank yous. So I've made an effort to do so everyday, wherever I am - the grocery store, at work, with my sons' friends, when I'm with friends. I always try to say nice, positive remarks. At work I compliment polite kids to their parents, nice outfits, jewelry, purses, etc. I let customers know that I think the gift they've chosen is nice, or the colors of their towels is really the in color for the new season. They are all genuine remarks and I do it because I think all of us need to hear more positives. It's funny though, because you'd think with the Law of Attraction and all that I'd be getting some compliments back for all those that I give but so far they're not being returned to me with much frequency.
On to my little secret weapon. Whenever I'm feeling starved for compliments, I go to Carson's to try on clothes in a dressing room. I don't plan on buying anything but I can try some new outfits on and see how I look in a full length mirror, and even catch my backside too. I can see how my hair looks from all angles, practice my smile, toss my hair over my shoulders. Not the same as hearing I look nice from someone but a way to assess myself and hopefully come out with an appreciation for my appearance. Kind of like what my husband did when he went to get a haircut - trying to find a substitute to give him the feeling he was missing. This is my way for now. I'll fit that in next week - it has been almost a year since I've gone clothes shopping anyway.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the continued cooler weather since our Central A/C isn't working.
2. For having the opportunity to sleep in a bit this morning.
3. That my guy friend fixed my broken downstairs commode (out of commission since February).
4. That my son chose the cheaper soccer shoes on sale (and they cost me only $22.00!).
5. That I didn't have to work until closing today (so I didn't have to clean the public restroom and now I have a moment to read a magazine before bed!).
Friday, July 10, 2009
Another Friday Alone (Depressed, Lonely, Sad)
I am having a tough night, alone at home with the boys both out. I reluctantly let the oldest have the car to go to the movies because I work Sat. and Sun. I guess I am also feeling guilty at our probable move to an apartment, so I try and give in to the boys when I can. But the end result is that I am here stuck at home and reading isn't cutting it. I'm depressed and eating too many M & Ms. I had plans to go out with a friend and now wish I had done so as I work the rest of the weekend and next week will be spent on a final push in getting the house ready for showings. I signed the real estate listing contract today and I suppose am feeling down about that too. At the store today they had the Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody song playing over the intercom and I started sobbing. It is a beautiful song. It made me want to have the kind of relationship the words described.
I am too young, vibrant, intelligent, attractive, interesting, loving, caring, kind-hearted of a person to be alone on a Friday night like this. I want and need to share my life with a committed partner. The boys are only growing older and will be off to college before I know it. I do not want to be having this same discussion with a blog post five years from now - complaining about being sad and lonely!
I would like to feel wanted and desired. To have a male companion who values his time with me and is eager to hear what I have to say about life and the world. I should and need to be out on a dinner date sipping a glass of wine right now. But then there is this part of me that is stuck in this depressive mode saying that it won't happen. I'm too old, my chance is over, I blew it with husband #2, there is something wrong with me, no on will want me now that I've failed financially, etc. and all that. I go back and forth between the two like I'm on a swing, from feeling high to low.
Part of the problem is that I have come to believe that it is much harder for widowed moms to date and socialize than divorced moms. That is my opinion because we're doing all the parenting and have less free time to spare. I also think that we're more drained and sometimes don't want to go out because of that.
That line I hear all the time about love finding you when you're not looking and least expect it is pure bunk! I didn't look for love for 2 1/2 years after my husband died and didn't have a date until I registered online with a dating service and started putting myself out there. It takes such energy to date and build relationships here in mid-life and as an only parent.
Tonight I gave the van to my son out of the goodness of my heart. It was a sacrifice on my part. But I think I need to be concentrating on myself every once in a while or I may just end up a bitter, mean-spirited old woman who yells at little kids for cutting through her yard and even watches for them out her window, ending up scaring them and having then call her a witch. I don't think this is a real likely scenario but you never know - I need to recharge and regroup too if only to maintain my sanity.
I haven't had much time to devote to myself at all since my husband's death and maybe I need that more that I need a date right now. Some selfish time for healing, reflection, and doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it (within reason of course). E.g., I wish I'd thought of going along with my son to the movies - I could have sat in another show while he and his friends saw the teen flick they wanted! Or go out to lunch, browse in an antique shop, start knitting a new pattern.
And maybe this is just one of those low points that will pass in a day or two and I need to ride out the storm until I see the clouds break. What makes this really crummy is that being a widow with virtually no support, yes there are times it is overwhelming and I feel down and out. But the only way out is to climb out myself - there is no one beside me holding out their hand and saying, "Here, let me give you some of my strength." I'm already depleted, depressed but it'll have to be me who gives myself a hand in order to get out of this. And that aspect of this life is the ultimate irony. To be in a place where I need help but I only have myself to rely on - and when you're at a low point, purely funcitioning on a minimal level is almost a miracle in and of itself.
So, to recap, this is what I've gotten out of all my gibberish:
- I don't want to live the rest of my life alone (without a committed partner)
- it is hard to find a committed partner when you're a widowed mom
- I need to start caring for myself or I might become a witch/bitch
- I'm a valuable woman, deserving of a partner and with a whole lot of good stuff to give that I want to give
- There are times when I'm going to be down simply because of my current life situation because I am not yet a Saint
- It is unbearably difficult to have little support and to have to rely on my own strength to constantly pick myself up, move on and get out from under the funk
- I still have to keep living with or without another husband/partner by my side - I have to try and find fulfillment and happiness in my life
Today I am grateful:
1. That I got to hear the Unchained Melody song.
2. That the kitchen light was fixed and we have a bright kitchen again!
3. That I got the right tool needed to cut out some carpet that I need to do in the family room.
4. For my cats who lie in my lap while I am reading.
5. For the opportunity to go to bed early tonight.
I am too young, vibrant, intelligent, attractive, interesting, loving, caring, kind-hearted of a person to be alone on a Friday night like this. I want and need to share my life with a committed partner. The boys are only growing older and will be off to college before I know it. I do not want to be having this same discussion with a blog post five years from now - complaining about being sad and lonely!
I would like to feel wanted and desired. To have a male companion who values his time with me and is eager to hear what I have to say about life and the world. I should and need to be out on a dinner date sipping a glass of wine right now. But then there is this part of me that is stuck in this depressive mode saying that it won't happen. I'm too old, my chance is over, I blew it with husband #2, there is something wrong with me, no on will want me now that I've failed financially, etc. and all that. I go back and forth between the two like I'm on a swing, from feeling high to low.
Part of the problem is that I have come to believe that it is much harder for widowed moms to date and socialize than divorced moms. That is my opinion because we're doing all the parenting and have less free time to spare. I also think that we're more drained and sometimes don't want to go out because of that.
That line I hear all the time about love finding you when you're not looking and least expect it is pure bunk! I didn't look for love for 2 1/2 years after my husband died and didn't have a date until I registered online with a dating service and started putting myself out there. It takes such energy to date and build relationships here in mid-life and as an only parent.
Tonight I gave the van to my son out of the goodness of my heart. It was a sacrifice on my part. But I think I need to be concentrating on myself every once in a while or I may just end up a bitter, mean-spirited old woman who yells at little kids for cutting through her yard and even watches for them out her window, ending up scaring them and having then call her a witch. I don't think this is a real likely scenario but you never know - I need to recharge and regroup too if only to maintain my sanity.
I haven't had much time to devote to myself at all since my husband's death and maybe I need that more that I need a date right now. Some selfish time for healing, reflection, and doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it (within reason of course). E.g., I wish I'd thought of going along with my son to the movies - I could have sat in another show while he and his friends saw the teen flick they wanted! Or go out to lunch, browse in an antique shop, start knitting a new pattern.
And maybe this is just one of those low points that will pass in a day or two and I need to ride out the storm until I see the clouds break. What makes this really crummy is that being a widow with virtually no support, yes there are times it is overwhelming and I feel down and out. But the only way out is to climb out myself - there is no one beside me holding out their hand and saying, "Here, let me give you some of my strength." I'm already depleted, depressed but it'll have to be me who gives myself a hand in order to get out of this. And that aspect of this life is the ultimate irony. To be in a place where I need help but I only have myself to rely on - and when you're at a low point, purely funcitioning on a minimal level is almost a miracle in and of itself.
So, to recap, this is what I've gotten out of all my gibberish:
- I don't want to live the rest of my life alone (without a committed partner)
- it is hard to find a committed partner when you're a widowed mom
- I need to start caring for myself or I might become a witch/bitch
- I'm a valuable woman, deserving of a partner and with a whole lot of good stuff to give that I want to give
- There are times when I'm going to be down simply because of my current life situation because I am not yet a Saint
- It is unbearably difficult to have little support and to have to rely on my own strength to constantly pick myself up, move on and get out from under the funk
- I still have to keep living with or without another husband/partner by my side - I have to try and find fulfillment and happiness in my life
Today I am grateful:
1. That I got to hear the Unchained Melody song.
2. That the kitchen light was fixed and we have a bright kitchen again!
3. That I got the right tool needed to cut out some carpet that I need to do in the family room.
4. For my cats who lie in my lap while I am reading.
5. For the opportunity to go to bed early tonight.
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