Transition

It is that time of year where the weather is scorching but Fall merchandise starts appearing in stores. There is something about this incongruity that really bothers me but in a way it serves to remind us that this too will pass and eventually the heat index won't be 105 degrees.

Now if I just weren't the only person in my household refilling the ice cube tray!

Sending Love

Today is my husband's 61st birthday. He was 54 and I was 44 when he died. Now that I am 51, I realize how young he really was at his death leaving behind sons only ages 9 and 10. His son from his first marriage was a sophomore in college and age 20.

What is so strange about today is that all week I thought the 23rd (today) was our wedding anniversary and I was looking forward to reflecting on it and doing some reminiscing. But somehow with the busyness of life I goofed up my anniversary dates! We got married on the 20th, which was Wednesday and that day I was preoccupied with taking my oldest to the doctor (acne troubles). I never thought of our wedding the entire day!

It was only when I was taking my half-hour nature walk this afternoon that I realized it was actually my husband's birthday and not our wedding anniversary and that I had missed our anniversary big time! It would have been our 19th year of marriage on the 20th.

So during my walk I reflected on my husband. Monday, the 25th is the seventh year anniversary of his death.

My husband ended up dying at a crummy time as far as the calendar year goes. It would have been easier for me to have held anniversary celebrations if he had died in a humdrum month, March would be perfect when there is not much going on. But we've always been so busy this time of year what with Halloween and then the holidays come upon us in full force, with Thanksgiving just one month later and Christmas, two. So over the years, I've never really gone all out in observing these three days that follow one another so quickly in succession at the end of October.

The first few years after my husband's death, the boys played soccer, football and fall baseball. Along with school and homework, the fall days just were a big blur of me coping with car pooling on my own and muddling through my own feelings, as well as trying to keep it together as an only parent. I tried the first few years to make a nice dinner with dessert to honor my husband's birthday but they were madcap, rushed affairs and eventually my husband's birthday and his day of death were marked by a verbal mention. There were a few years when the days passed by without any acknowledgment and I was so busy caring for my parents that I wasn't even keeping track of what day was what.

My husband is buried out of state so there is no grave site for us to visit. There is a memorial tree planted in a park on the other side of town overlooking the baseball fields because my husband was such a baseball fan - he was recruited to the minor leagues but turned down the offer to start college and become a teacher - he wanted to have a greater impact influencing young people. Over the years my husband "saw" the boys play on those fields. I always believed his spirit is around us and not at the actual grave site.

I regret that my life unfolded in such a way that it has been difficult to honor my husband as I would have liked during this time of year. But right now my oldest is involved with football playoffs and as usual our life is pretty hectic and fast-paced. Maybe it is a blessing that my husband didn't die in March when we would have ample time to mope and be depressed with the grey clouds keeping us company. His dying this week is at such a time that we're so busy we're not overly sad or down by our loss. Which I should add is a part of us every day anyway. And by having all these anniversary dates occur within one week, I only have to deal with a hard time of year once and it is over!

Still, I am sad that our lives have been so madcap that there hasn't been ample opportunity for me to plan what I'd define as a more formal and solemn observation of my husband's life and death. Although thinking of my husband, who was grading papers up until he was in a coma, maybe what we've been doing is fine by him. He lived every day of his life with cancer as normally and fully as possible. And I guess looking down he can see that we have done the same.

"I love you Daddy. The boys love you Daddy. You were never fond that I called you Daddy but got used to it! We so miss you and you remain forever in our hearts. Today I feel your presence around us, although I know it is always there. I wish you could somehow send down a message about how you hated tattoos because both of the boys are getting ones as tributes to your life and their love for you. I can only hold off discouraging them until they are of age and have enough of their own money to afford them. I have persuaded them to get them anywhere but their arms/necks so they can be covered when they go in for future job interviews. But maybe you won't mind so much because tats are pretty common these days - many of their friends have them. Sometimes I'll think of a question I want to ask you that I never did when you were alive and I so much want to know the answer - I thought we had plenty of time together to get to all of that. But I am grateful for the time we did have. You taught me so much, maybe even more in death than life. I'll talk to you again soon, probably in the stands next week at a playoff football game. Til then, Happy Birthday."

Sixth Anniversary

Today is the sixth Anniversary of my husband's death. I have never written about it because at the time of his death we didn't even have a home computer. He used a computer at his job and I did the same. My kids were young enough to use the computer at their school as well. Boy, has a lot changed in those six years!

My husband and I did not have cable (we still don't) because we weren't at home enough for it to be worth the cost. We coached our sons together for many years - baseball and soccer. He sang semi-professionally in fine arts groups and I volunteered in the community, as well as the boys' school. We had such an active and full life together. I would say that is was very rewarding. We felt that we accomplished good things for the world. He taught - I counseled. We gave back. And we still had time to pursue some of our own interests. It was a pretty balanced life.

Blogging has been a bit of a strange experience for me because I have been widowed for awhile. Yet I never really had an opportunity to do the necessary grief work after his death. Life just went forward too quickly and presented us with way too many curve balls. It is funny because the divorce with Husband #2 plunged me right back into grief mode - and in actuality, maybe I had never left it. Anyway, when I post I find it sometimes a little bizarre because although I am not a new widow, many of my feelings are those of one. In certain ways I am a seasoned widow but at the same time a novice one. Evidence that the grief journey is so unique to us all. Certainly not one-size-fits-all!

Today there is a break in the rain and I am going to work at the storage shed. While there, I hope to have some time to contemplate about this day. I'll see what I come up with and where my heart and feelings lead me. This will be the first time that I have done that.

50th Birthday

I turned 50 on Thursday and here is a rendition of that day because it turned out pretty well, considering. I don't normally pay a lot of attention to birthdays but felt that this day deserved some, especially because of all that has happened in the past years. The mere fact that I have gotten through some pretty trying life experiences deserves some recognition. I do want to add to this celebration by doing some activities for myself when time and money permit. I've been composing a list of 50 Things to Give Myself, which include activities like treating myself to a movie out (or even a video at home), going bowling, etc. I'll devote more time to that after the sale of the house and move.

Thursday -
Since I worked until closing at the store and didn't get home until 11:30 on Wednesday and then to bed at 2:00 in the morning, after getting the boys off to school I allowed myself to go back to bed and awakened at 10:00. Now sleeping in is such a rare treat that it felt very luxurious to do so! Then I showered and dressed in a nice outfit from my less financially strained days - an outfit from Talbot's of cotton madras casual blazer with denim walking shorts. I wanted to look nice on this day and dressing up a bit did that for me.

I hit our cute, quaint downtown to visit two shopkeepers I've befriended over the years. I haven't seen them all summer and had to catch up with them about selling the house, moving and all. It was also nice to browse at the Yarn Shop and Antiques Store. Another customer at the yarn shop (it was her 30th b-day) exclaimed that I do not look 50, which is true. I've held up pretty well physically - something I find amazing because there has been a lot of stress in the years since my husband's death. My oldest shared at his school lunch table that I was 50 and his friends said, "No way, she only looks 38!" At least I have that going for me!

I dropped off some bags at the local resale shop and also checked out their merchandise. Then I went for a browse at JoAnn's and Michael's. Didn't buy anything but got the free project sheets and an idea to make a blanket out of scarves. I then browsed at the Used Bookstore and did put out 50 cents for a back issue of Country Living Magazine, the big purchase of the day!

I did some grocery shopping to tide us over the weekend and included in the cart a variety of cupcakes. I hesitated on a cake. The cupcakes would be easier to share with my girlfriend and her family at dinner. Some of the cakes looked so tasty though. Maybe I will get one after we've moved and are settled a bit. That will be cause for another celebration.

My girlfriend picked the boys and I up at six and took us out for dinner along with her three kids. She was very insistent in wanting to treat all of us together since she and I frequently go out on our own. The kids all wanted to go to Chili's but it was very crowed as were all the restaurants around the mall area. We couldn't get over how jammed the parking lots were. But as I've noted before, in this town there just doesn't seem to be a recession or people hurting financially!

We ended up at a Mexican Restaurant, not my first choice but as my oldest consoled, "Mom, you'll get a drink so it'll be okay." And it was. Everyone had plenty to eat and we indulged in the chips and salsa asking for seconds. I was given a big desert on the house, which I shared around the table. My girlfriend gave me a lovely card and a gift certificate for $50.00 from Kohl's. She said she hoped I'd buy some clothing for myself. We laughed about both of us needing new bras. I've gone a year with really only one good one. She did the same the past year with two pretty old ones until her daughter saw them and insisted she get new ones at Victoria's Secret.

When I thanked my friend for her kindness and generosity, she reminded me of everything I've done over the past years for her and others. She said I am one of the most generous people she knows and I deserved her gift. It was nice to hear those words and to be reminded of things I've done in the past that have been forgotten.

After dinner, it was funny when the time came to pass around the cupcakes and I discoved that the kids had already eaten the cookie and cream ones while we paid the bill at the restaurant!

I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the day I harbored hopes that my ex-husband would send good wishes of some kind. He is the kind of guy who would have presented me with 50 roses in a bouquet. The last email correspondence I had from him was on July 23rd. There was no contact which was bittersweet for me. I know for me that it is personally agonizing to say goodbye to anything - be it a relationhip or possession. I have difficulty throwing newspapers out if I haven't yet read them! And my therapist and I have discussed how the issues of my second marriage and ex-husband tie in so closely with my family-of-origin background that I still struggle with. Wrapped up in all of this is the fact that my ex-husband and I never spoke until recently about the divorce. He filed for divorce without telling me (I had to find out by calling the court house in his county). He also never said goodbye to my sons. So on one hand he would have given me an extravagant 50th birthday gift, but is unable to communicate which is of course far better to have in a relationship than any object.


But I guess the point of my honest admission here is that despite my trying to make the best of the day, there were still some ghosts from the past haunting me. Yet, I was able to put them aside and fashion out a day that was significant and meaningful, plus fun on this milestone birthday. I should add that my brother called me and left a voice message on my cell phone when I was out and about. I did not hear it ring or would have spoken with him. My sister had sent me a birthday card the day before.

The memories of Thursday continue to glow in my heart so in the end no roses were necessary.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the boys seem to have settled back into school successfully.
2. That the appraisal and survey have been completed and all is on track for the house closing.
3. For the new front of cooler weather we're having - thank goodness this summer was a cooler one. (I prefer colder weather but NOT the SNOW).
4. For the rainy day on my birthday. The rain just has a beauty of its own.
5. For all that my friend did for me to celebrate a milestone birthday.

Milestones

This week the boys start back to school; the dumpster is getting delivered tomorrow so we can start really clearing out the house/garage; and I turn 50! Is it ironic or perhaps not, that just as I turn 50, I am moving and really facing the start of a new life? Just interesting that the two coincide so closely.

I read a post today by another middle-aged widow, the topic being that you cannot rush the grieving process. It is individualized and also dictated by so many other circumstances. I can totally agree with her observation. But at the same time, here are these milestones glaring in my face telling me that the world is moving on and it is time for me too to make those steps.

I continue to be filled with regret that I was unable to move to my second husband's home at the time we had originally planned. Both of my parents were in the hospital during that summer and at one point we thought both were going to die, although my father recovered. I had workmen in the house fixing it up, was trying to parent two active early-adolescent boys on my own and had my new husband on my back for not being able to get it all together fast enough.

With some perspective and time behind me now, I realize that I just could not add the emotional and physical stress and stain of moving out-of-state to my already over brimming plate. I tried to explain that to my husband and begged him for his patience and understanding as I grappled with clearing out my parent's home after my Mom's death. He couldn't get it and filed for the divorce that January. But here I am now, at a different place with so many of those emotional hurdles gone. If only he had hung in there with me and realized that eventually I'd reach the point I'm at. I could not rush, bypass or fast forward the process from two summers ago to now.

It is all such a balancing act - remaining true to who you are and strong in the face of others who want you to move the heck on according to their time table. For me it wasn't that I didn't want to start a new life then - I would have given anything to have taken the easier way out to a less stressful life. But I just couldn't tie up all the pieces. Some of it no doubt was my reluctance to start a new life in a totally new community away from everything I'd known with my husband. I do know that if my parents hadn't been so ill, my ability to make the move would have been so much easier. There was just too much burying me under from the past - all the childhood stuff and my husband's death on top of the serious health issues of my parents.

So here I am today, emotionally in a far better place to make the move from my home of 18 years, although the circumstances are so drastically worse. Go figure! The twists and turns of life. Although the world goes on, until you're at a place where you can jump in, it is just kind of a period of treading water or moving along with the flow of the current. And that is an okay place to be, although so many out there don't get this, including my ex-husband.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the friends who have stood beside me on this journey.
2. For the gorgeous late summer weather.
3. For the opportunity to have an apricot flavored ice cream cone from a place that has 24 odd flavors of soft serve ice cream.
4. For that brief period of back-to-school excitement before the grueling academic year sets in.
5. For the new slate the new school year seems to inspire.

It's Fall, Y'all!

Well, I guess it is officially Fall now! I went to the Dollar Store yesterday and they had scarecrows up. Then I got my JoAnn's Fabric and Crafts sale brochure in the mail and they also displayed scarecrows and even pumpkin crafts! I guess it will be Christmas in September! To me this is just plain nutty (the way we plan so far ahead in advance). I want to tell the world to stop doing this. Enjoy the month of July for what it is - don't be planning or even doing Fall craft projects. Guess what, world? Live for now because you really don't know what will be happening tomorrow.

As morbid as it seems, since my husband's death I stopped doing such things in advance because of the lesson I learned of life being so unpredictable. I remember thinking, why should I spend all this time and effort when I may not even be around six months from now? Of course, some long-term planning is needed and necessary in our lives but why are we always finishing up a season while we're still in the middle of it? Rushing ahead to the next? For what reason? Why?

We all need to slow down and stop planning our lives in such minute details. To reflect on the joys of July, the exact moment we are in. I almost am tempted to put up a scarecrow for the sheer stupidity of it. On the other hand, this is a grim reminder to me that life does move on quickly and with certainty, whether I'm ready to catch up with it or not! Anyway, enough of my ranting and raving about this. Let's all just live and enjoy life right now - even those of us struggling with life transitions.

Today I am grateful:

1. For cold pickled beets.
2. For cold green beans.
3. For cold chicken salad.
4. For tomatoes.
5. For corn bread (I guess you know what we're having for dinner tonight - a perfect SUMMER meal).

Summer Clearance - School Supplies

The other day, Tue. the 7th, I stopped in at my local Walgreen's to use the cash station as my oldest was going to the Great America Theme Park and I wanted him to have enough money. While I was there I figured I'd pick up a needed pair of gardening gloves. I was happy to see that they had some, at a reduced price. So I got six pairs (two packages) for only $1.50.

As I was checking out I joked with the cashier that here it was, still in the heat of summer and all the summer merchandise was already on clearance. I asked her if they were planning on putting out the Halloween stuff. She informed me that it was the back-to-school supplies, some of which are already out! Then she joked back to me that the kids in our town just got out of school and here we are selling the supplies again. It was funny and I laughed at the absurdity of it all. How we rush through life to take on whatever chapter lies ahead. Sad really.

I was grateful to be able to laugh and have a moment not dwelling on my house situation. Then I thought about how no matter what ends up happening with that, the one thing I can be certain of is that time is marching on. Whether we are still living in our house or the new apartment come Halloween, Halloween will arrive. And the day after, all the Christmas decorations will start to be stocked!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful moon shrouded in the clouds I saw tonight.
2. That my sons are safe from their trips to Great America and downtown Chicago.
3. That I was able to buy my youngest a 6 x 8 rug in blue for his room (which he really needed and at a good price since I used my store employee discount).
4. That the weather is still on the cool side and we don't need to worry about air conditioning.
5. For Swedish Fish candy.

Mother's Day 2009 vs. 2008

Mother's Day 2008 -

1. Received a mega-size bottle and gift set of Calvin Klein Euphoria perfume from my then husband and a huge over-sized card from the boys (probably 30 inches tall at least).
2. Spent the entire day antiquing out in country with hubby and the boys - on the lookout for colored Hobnail glass and we ended up adding a number of pieces to the collection we were building together (when we divorced he ended up with the collection).
3. Lunch/dinner at a favorite restaurant that serves famous blueberry pancakes. We also had big ice cream concoctions.
4. I was gearing up to move 120 miles away and to another state to be with my husband.

Mother's Day 2009 -

1. My gift is a book on knitting/felting I purchased myself, after using a number of coupons to bring the cost well down from $30.00.
2. Worked from 10 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.
3. Treated self and boys to dinner at a local place where I could use a coupon. We haven't been out to eat since August! We splurged and had an appetizer. Then got Dairy Queen afterward.
4. Received phone messages/calls from three friends wishing me a Happy Mother's Day but no such call from my sister. One friend referred to me as one of the best mothers in the world! That was nice to hear.
5. Am gearing up to move to an apartment and hoping to sell the house before having to leave because of the foreclosure.
6. Am divorced and now get to have both the labels of widow and divorcee as badges of honor!

The moral of the story = life can drastically change in an instant. But somehow the day was salvaged to not be too gloomy.

Today I am grateful:

1. For my handsome, athletic, popular boys who make me so proud.
2. That I have somehow managed to keep it somewhat together, if at least for the sake of the boys.
3. For the thoughtfulness of my friends.
4. For having the money to afford a dinner out (what a splurge!).
5. That my boys have managed to grow and thrive, despite facing adversity and hardship.