Giving and Receiving

It has been difficult for me to accept assistance and charity the past few years. I know despite that adage that we all heard as youngsters, "It is better to give than to receive," there is still a stigma attached to seeking help when you are down and out. The pain of having to go to a food pantry and then witness the masked disapproval is something I wasn't prepared for. We are a society of contradictions. On one hand, we gloat that we are willing to help the less fortunate but then we quickly lash out in criticism that those who are needy aren't trying or working hard enough. I think that along with the message that we're such a giving and generous nation, there is also the belief that all of us should be able to make it, and if we can't or haven't, then something is wrong with us and we're not good, decent, honorable people. Maybe that view is changing as the financial struggle becomes more wide spread.

Another problem is that some of us have never been in this position and don't know how to accept help, much less find it. For me, having been the oldest child of four, I was always the one who helped and was relied upon to hold up the fort. There is a huge sense of damaged pride to not be able to do what I've always done, and been good at doing.

Maybe it is easier to give than it is to receive sometimes. I know that it has been an almost automatic response for me to refuse gifts. There is just so much emotional conflict surrounding the issue.

But this year, I was gifted with an online gift card before I could refuse it. When it arrived, in early December, I contemplated not using it or sending it back (however that is done). But my sons both BEGGED me to keep it. And it was hard for me to do so. But I did. Then I had the pleasure of imagining spending it entirely on myself (for about two minutes). Then for another two minutes I had the pleasure of imagining spending it all on the boys. In the end, it was split the way I suppose it gets split up with families - 90% of it going to the boys, and the remaining 10% to mom.

My sons spent a few days looking up and deciding on the gifts they wanted. Considering that I haven't given them birthday gifts in a number of years (we only celebrate with a cake and choice of dinner) and that there haven't been Christmas gifts either, this was a BIG DEAL - and a lot of fun. My oldest son handled all the ordering because after being a victim of credit card fraud three weeks before my husband died (another story for another time), I refuse to buy anything online and have never done it. The boys were wonderful figuring out the exact postage amounts and keeping track of the running total.

I had been encouraged by my benefactor to not get a book but to chose something nice and pretty. And I did try looking for a piece of the vintage glassware I collect and browsing the selection of craft items. But in the end, what I really coveted was a copy of the audio book by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope." Considering I get all my books for usually 25 cents at the second hand shop this was a big splurge because at the used book shop there aren't audio books.

The boys were thrilled as their gifts started arriving. One came on my oldest son's 18th birthday and I let him have it as a gift. My oldest ended up with a long sleeve t-shirt and socks from the college he wants to attend, my youngest got a Wisconsin hoodie and looks very handsome wearing it - that dark red Wisconsin red just highlights his dark hair and dark eyes. Both boys got wrist bands with the imprint of "France" since they are so proud of their French heritage and together they got some kind of memory disc for their X-Box.

I was able to get the boys a few inexpensive items and stocking stuffers. And they received some practical items like socks, boxers, and p.j.s from the nice woman at the food pantry who "adopted" me. I struggled with accepting her gifts as well and initially told her no. But she went on to share some of her story, telling me that the reason she had connected so strongly with me is that she was raised by a single mother from the age of 13 when her father walked out on them. For whatever reason, I reminded her of her childhood situation and she wanted to get some gifts for us. Along with the clothing there were also wallets for the boys with a $20.00 inside.

My oldest son remarked how different this Christmas was from past years. Having gifts did help. And it doesn't have to be extravagant. We had a modest Christmas and the majority of gifts were practical and useful. But it was so nice that the boys had an opportunity to get some items they really wanted and to choose them. And they received some electronic gifts from Sam that he was able to get as samples from the store he works at. I will talk about the gift he gave me in a separate post as it relates to widowhood in a strange way! Plus my girlfriend gave us a $25.00 Subway gift card along with a bag of chips, box of cookies and bottle of coke - I'm planning on that being our dinner later in the week and it will be a huge takeout treat for us!

I am grateful for the kindness and generosity of those who thought of me and offered gifts. I hope this post helps convey how hard it is for me to accept such offers. We were greatly blessed with the online gift card and for the gifts from the nice food pantry lady. In the end, I told her I would accept her gift only under the promise that we would go out together for coffee/tea so we could meet under "normal" circumstances and not as a food pantry volunteer/pantry recipient.

To the lovely person who sent us the surprise online gift card: You started out our holiday season on a positive and hopeful note setting the tone for the entire season. Your gifts are useful, wanted and very much appreciated. And you taught me a number of things too. For one, I need to get over my belief that I can't or shouldn't take gifts offered in the spirit of loving kindness. I don't always have to be the one giving, I can take a little too. I also need to learn to be more gracious in accepting gifts that are offered. And I can strive to keep giving in whatever ways I can despite my limited circumstances now. There are many ways to be of service and to give - not all involve having money.

Throughout my life I have been a giver. Now I hope that it might be easier for me to be both one who freely gives and one who freely receives. And enjoys both!

Yearlong Starbucks Fast Finally Broken!

My oldest forgot his lunch again this morning so I trudged over in the darned cold and could not resist taking a photo of the other "forgotten" lunches awaiting student pickup. This was less than the load that was out on Friday! My son is a good kid. He starts his new job after school. It's the week before Christmas Break and the kids are preoccupied. I'm not going to bash him for being an 18-year-old with a lot on his plate and make him suffer the consequences by having to forage amongst his friends for something to eat. He was voted out of this year's graduating class as:
1. Best Musician (Boy am I proud of him for this!)
2. Most Flirtatious (Even though he has had the same girlfriend for two years!)
3. Biggest Spaz (Whatever that is - I guess it means forgetful!)

The winter storm that hit us brought less snow than expected but bitter chill. Minnesota and Indiana have been really pummeled. But still, the cold these last few years has been hard for me to bear. Winter brings with it a whole lot of other and extra widowhood issues for me. But let's not dwell on that right now. Life is looking up.

It was a super busy weekend with the party on Friday night, taking my son to get his senior yearbook photo taken on Saturday, attending a "Christmas store" held in the community where parents could shop for low cost gifts for their children, choosing two per child and then the holiday concert extravaganza which historically lasts ALL afternoon at the high school, since all the music groups perform. This year they split the concert into two and my son had the later concert performance time. But my girlfriend wanted to see some of her students perform in the first concert (she teaches at the school) so I agreed to go to the earlier concert with her. So I was listening to holiday music from 1:00 in the afternoon until 5:30!

Thank goodness they split the concert into two, which should have been done years ago in my opinion. There wouldn't be enough seats for older folks, people would be reading the paper for the groups their kids weren't in and there was no available parking. This year was bad enough with the stormy weather - on Sunday there were wind gusts blowing snow of 40 mph!

Overall, despite the busyness, it was a good weekend. I was thankful that the yearbook photo was over since my son was so stressed out about it. He kept having me reschedule the appt. because of his minor acne even though I assured him that his photo would be retouched. Then I was able to get stocking stuffers and two gifts for each son for under $20.00 at the "Christmas store." AND my year long Starbucks fast was finally broken! My girlfriend treated me to a venti tea and peppermint brownie after the first holiday concert and it was heavenly!

I started my "fake" part-time job at the restaurant yesterday. It pays weekly and allows me more time to be around for the boys and to look for a "real" job in my field. I'll start up the search again full force after the holidays if the social services case mgt. position I interviewed for last week isn't offered to me. With this job there will be enough for groceries at least and that is a huge blessing! And it is way less work than that awful CNA job but I am the oldest employee there (think college kids with odd degrees that can't find work) and that is a little strange for me. I feel out of my element but am trying to bite the bullet and do what has to be done. Though let me tell you, sometimes that is way easier said then done!

Well, that's a recap of the past few days. I am so grateful the boys will have a modest Christmas. It is so much better than having nothing at all. Everyone seems to be in more hopeful and positive spirits. We still all have our moments - it remains hard at times. But there is food in the pantry, I've made some new friends, my son is graduating with wonderful memories and a solid athletic, musical, social and academic foundation behind him, relations between my family members have improved, I've still managed to maintain a long distance relationship with Sam despite numerous obstacles and the new year ahead seems brighter! And I've realized you can manage to survive without a Starbucks for over a year and still come out okay. In fact, maybe you come out ahead in the end, because that tea and brownie were so much more savored and truly appreciated compared to the days just three years ago when a weekly Starbucks visit was a routine part of my life.

Thank You All

Just want to take the time to thank everyone for responding/commenting the past few posts when I was so worried about the insurance issue. Dan was kind enough to say it is not necessary to comment back. But I have always been so grateful for those interested in me and my life that I want to acknowledge you. I've been a bit overwhelmed with having gone back to work - my free time has kind of vanished!

Kelly - I know you have had a lot on your plate and I am always glad to hear from you because we seem to be on the same wave length. I hope all is calm at your end with the death of the boys' grandfather. This must be a tough time for you so please let me know how you're doing. And thanks for checking up on me!

Anonymous widowed for almost a year - It was very nice of you to comment about my insurance worries and I hope you're holding up and doing okay.

Vanessa - I always appreciate your practical and useful comments.

Dan - I enjoy hearing from you because of the affinity I feel with you with both of us working in the social services arena.

wNs - What can I say? I often think of you and tonight did so when I saw the moon. I am honored that a woman of your artistic creativity and intelligence reads about my life and offers heartfelt comments.

Melaka - I was very struck by your story of your husband losing his parents and his job loss. In the end, I agree, there are times we must do what is right at that time. There will be other jobs in our lives to replace those we may have lost but people are not replaceable. You offered good advice about taking each day as it comes and letting life unfold without our trying to always control it.

Jude - It is always great to hear from you and I like your real warmth and honesty.

Thelma - You always offer a lot of encouragement to me and inspire me to keep going.

Beth - I always appreciate the support you offer me for the decisions I've made on behalf of my sons.

CCC - I have appreciated learning about your personal experiences and you always offer a dose of inspiration and strength.

Again, I thank each of you. You've provided me with a great deal of support that would otherwise be absent in my life and I am grateful for you all!

Positivity vs. Grief - Can the two Co-exist?

It seems everything I read or hear these days is connected to the positive thinking movement. Interestingly enough, even books I've had for years mention it before The Law of Attraction band wagon took off.

Yesterday, I read that neuroscience is discovering actual proof that we can permanently change our brains through a positive mindset. Scientists are able to actually see and measure the emotional regions of our brains that process joy, happiness and love, as well as depression, mourning, anxiety, OCD, etc. Apparently, even pessimists like me can be taught to become more optimistic.

This is all pretty amazing with the main point being that our emotions and feeling do get transmitted out into the world and we do have some control over what we project. Because what we send out, comes back to us. I like the example of a bummed out, dejected person with shoulders slumped, downcast eyes and scowling smile. Obviously, anyone encountering that person will react accordingly and probably not very favorably. Likewise, someone with a genuine smile and upbeat demeanor will fare better. This person might receive better customer service at a store, have someone give them a break or bend the rules, and so on throughout the day. These experiences will build on themselves - the better they are and the more of them will increase the likelihood of upbeat person staying in a good mood. Dejected person will probably stay down and out because their experiences will be downers.

I am intrigued by all of this and I have made a valiant effort to try and remain as positive as I can through these trying times. Keeping a gratitude list is usually one of the first strategies suggested. Surrounding yourself with happy, fun, optimistic people is another. Trying to fit in as many activities that bring you joy into your life as possible is another suggestion. So I do try and do all these things in an effort to attract more positives back into my life. The jury is still out on how successful this has been.

What concerns me about the logic of this theory and the books that are out there promoting it, is that there doesn't seem to be any comprehension or acknowledgment toward those people who really may be suffering seriously from grief/loss, depression, addiction, life changes such as poverty, etc. These books and even the theory seem to fit best for those people who are leading pretty ordinary, manageable lives. One book made a brief passing comment on this by admitting that yes, no one can be upbeat and super positive 24/7 and that when times are tough they have to be acknowledged. The goal then becomes how to walk through and face the challenges, as well as to try and learn from them.

I think there needs to be a book written for those of us out here dealing with many life complications that realistically paint a complicated and negative picture. "The Law of the Attraction for Those Grieving, Suffering and Dealing with Major Loss" might be one for starters. I guess what bothers me the most is the wiping the slate clean type of attitude I get from these books and the theory itself - that we can't and shouldn't be negative EVER. That grieving and worrying are bad because they transmit toxic, negative energy that will return to us threefold! This is just at such odds with my beliefs about counseling that center on staying with your emotions whatever they are and working through them. There has to be a balance between positive and negative emotions. If we as human beings have the capacity to feel pain, grief and sorrow how can they just be wiped away? Do the proponents of The Law of Attraction believe that those of us deeply grieving have to just shut those emotions off? Or do they believe that we should not grieve as deep or much? Maybe it is impossible to follow this theory period while someone is immersed in deep sorrow or anxiety. I don't know - I really wish I could call Wayne Deyer up and ask him some of these perplexing and vexing questions.

In the meantime, I guess I'll try my best to continue to be grateful, remain positive and upbeat when I can and do my best to smile and keep my shoulders up when out and about in public.

I Am Grateful:

1. That the birds are back - I heard birds singing again for the first time yesterday!
2. That no severe winter-type weather is predicted from here on in - yeah!
3. That all of us have had decent clothes and outerwear to get through the winter months.
4. That no one got the flu this winter - thank you Universe!
5. For the cheery songs of the birds.

Give and Believe You Will Have More to Give

I am trying to be conscious of the concept of giving what I need in order to attract it back into my life. This is not that hard to attend to as I try to be a thoughtful and giving person in my daily life as much as possible. But it is hard from the standpoint of not thinking that I have much to give because my own pantry is bare.

I went to see Sam over the weekend, leaving after taking my state certified nursing exam, around 5:00 p.m. I had made sure that the boys had friends to sleepover with as I am not comfortable having them overnight on their own. The boys did not want to go with me as they had just finished finals week and it was a long weekend with the Martin Luther King holiday. There were activities planned with their friends to celebrate the end of the semester.

So I drove the four-hour trip even though I was very drained from the week of finals and my own exam. Part of the reason I went to see Sam was that he had his son visiting and on Sunday had to work. My being there would avoid having to get a babysitter and/or bring his son to work with him for at least part of the day. If I can help out and give a helping hand I'll do so. I want to. It is positive to feel useful and valuable.

Being at Sam's gave me an opportunity to have a bit of a break from parenting my boys. I had the time to do some knitting and reading which translates into huge relaxation for me. Sam's son is 11-years-old and no trouble to be around. He enjoys playing his computer and video games on his own and is a pleasure to interact with.

When I left on Monday morning, Sam let me take home the leftover food he had picked up for his son's visit. This included milk, Hawaiian punch, 2 boxes of Little Debbie snacks, fruit snacks, french fries, bread, yogurt, hot dog buns, a box of Cheese crackers and 2 mini fruit pies. In addition, he let me have some bath tissue, a roll of paper towels, liquid dish soap, a can of peas, a stick of butter and even a new stick of deodorant from a two-pack since my oldest was out. Now this offering was really like hitting the mother load! We are really strapped and I am not buying items like cookies or snacks for the boys. When I started putting the items away at home, my youngest joked that it was better than the food pantry (sad to joke about this - sadder that it is true). To be able to have fresh items in the home like bread, milk, juice and yogurt is a gift.

I was and am grateful for these things. It cost me $45.00 in tolls and gas one way to make the trip. Sam provided me with this amount also for the return trip. I wish I did not have to rely on him for the gas money to get back home but this was a very lean month, especially with having to pay the speeding ticket for my son - that had to come out of the grocery budget.

I would like to believe that my helping Sam out with being there for his son resulted in my sons receiving some nice snacks that they would not have ordinarily. I didn't make the trip expecting to go home with anything other than some dish soap so it was the bounty was a nice surprise for me too. Just the milk alone, since the boys are going through a gallon every two days.

Yesterday, Sam called me to ask a favor. He was $80.00 short in his checking account and the mortgage payment was being taken out today. Because he now lives out of state, banking has become a little problematic. He would have had to leave work at noon in order to drive to Illinois and make a deposit. Sending a check by overnight mail was not an option since an out-of-state check takes longer to clear - he needed the cash deposited in his account. Fortunately, there is a branch of his bank in my town and very fortunately I still had (barely) $80.00 in my own account to withdraw. Even though I am cutting it very close with finances, I wanted to assist him because I could - it was a tight squeeze but it was the better option than Sam having to leave work early and drive 8 hours, not to mention the gas expense. Sam kindly reimbursed me the $80.00 and added another $20.00 which he sent out by Fed-X, so except for me worrying a bit that my own balance is low, all is good.

At least I know that even in such dire times I can still get someone out of a jam. And I hope that the spirit of caring and sharing that was created this weekend will continue to flow. Sam mentioned that we are a good team together - that too.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Being given opportunities to help someone out. This is very important when you're struggling yourself and don't think that you have anything to give. It is not true to believe this - there are ways to give other than financial. But it is ironic that I was even able to help out financially!
2. All fresh food - the basics: milk, bread, butter, yogurt, eggs, fruit. I don't think I will ever again take for granted a simple loaf of bread or carton of milk.
3. The bag of Gala apples I was able to buy at ALDI for only $1.29!
4. The grocery store, ALDI. This chain sells at a considerable savings. I am shopping there almost exclusively because of the deals.
5. That the heating blower in the van started blowing again after it appeared to not be working. If it can just hold up another month I'll be even more grateful!

Christmas 2009

From A Child's Calendar by John Updike. This poem's last line gets me choked up every time I read it. For me, it signifies and sums up so much of how I feel right now. This past year held so much change, hardship and stress for my family. It is impossible to look back and not feel the pain of 2009. And yet when I read this poem first published in 1965, I somehow feel some restoration and dare I say it, HOPE.

December

First Snow! The flakes,
So few, so light,
Remake the world
In solid white.

All bundled up,
We feel as if
We were fat penguins,
Warm and stiff.

The toy-packed shops
Half Split their sides,
And Mother brings home
Things she hides.

Old carols peal.
The dusk is dense.
There is a mood
Of sweet suspense.

The shepherds wait,
The kings, the tree -
All wait for something
Yet to be,

Some miracle,
And then it's here,
Wrapped up in hope -
Another year!

I am thinking of all of you, my fellow bloggers with love and appreciation for all that we have shared the past weeks and months. I cannot imagine life without your support, concern and advice. My Christmas wish for all of us and the world is peace and hope. I love you all and will be thinking of you throughout today.