Ask, Seek, Knock

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:8

It is so hard to ask, seek and knock yet when we do so, doors open. Then we have to have the strength to accept.

Life's Path

I have recently received some comments from womanNshadows, Sari, Bec and Judy S. that were just what I needed to hear. These past weeks I have been in such a struggle to try and be happy despite all the grief surrounding me and I also have been struggling with the concept of trying to see the good in my husband's death.

These women gave me some insight that I was unable to see myself - that it is okay to be grieving during this time and not be happy; that some losses can't be gotten through so you live on despite the loss and make the best of your future; that the death of a good husband is crappy and there may not be any good to be found in the loss; and the biggest key is to cultivate joy and happiness in one's life even having faced significant loss. That happiness can be found again in spite of the previous pain and suffering.

My mind has become much less burdened by the wisdom of these kind souls who took the time to convey their thoughts and beliefs to me. I feel so much more free to be able to acknowledge that I don't need to"get over" my husband's death - yes, I'll need to adapt and cope but it is not an event that I'll ever totally "get through." I love the concept of experiencing future happiness - that perhaps the greatest testament to my strength and healing will be to go on and experience joy despite the hardships.

Today at work I adapted some of these ideas to my feelings of dissatisfaction with my current job. I thought to myself that this is a job I took as a temporary bridge to being in some income while I sell my house and get my feet back on the ground. No where is it written in stone that this will be the last job I'll ever have. As my life stabilizes, I'll be in a better position to pursue jobs in my field of social services. For now, it is what it is - and that is okay (thanks to womanNshadows for this perspective). Again, I felt such relief and a weight off my shoulders.

The hardships will eventually lessen - someday soon I'll be back in my field doing the work I love. It'll all be okay - right now this is where I'm at on the path - and the fact that my feet are even hitting the road is a good place to be.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful park in our center of town
2. For the misty half-moon I can see from the window
3. For Poptarts (sometimes I really just have a craving for them!)
4. For this year's set of Fall magazines coming out soon
5. For geometric coloring books, find-it puzzles and word searches (so adults can have fun too)

Plan of Attack for the Next Hurdle

When my husband first died I remember wanting to have some kind of plan to follow in those early weeks and months to guide me through the transition. Life pretty much overtook me and I ended up muddling and stumbling through that period without any specific direction. Now that I have survived that loss as well as a divorce and am facing the loss of our home, I want to take action and have a plan in place to adhere to over the summer. So in looking through my library of grief books for some guidance, came across a chapter from "The First 30 Days - Your Guide to Any Change and Loving Life More" by Ariane de Bonvoisin. In the chapter "Get Unstuck" she outlines a series of steps that make sense to me to follow as a guide over the summer as I focus on the house.

1. Take Care of Yourself!
How many times do we hear this?. Plant the foundation of change with "SEED" - Sleep, Eat, Exercise, Drink (water). Balanced, healthy living made a priority.

2. Turn to the Familiar.
We need the comfort of familiar people, places and things when we are going through change. Makes sense. So we should seek these out. Like the Teddy Bears or Blankets we had as kids to help soothe us.

3. Take Care of the Little Things.
Handling the bills, laundry, daily tasks make us feel more confident to deal with the bigger ones. It also gives us some control over our lives. So we need to keep up with the little tasks.

4. Make a Decision.
It is better to make decisions (follow your intuition) than sit on problems and let them fester. Sometimes it is the making of the decision that proves to be the hardest part. Once the decision is made everything else falls into place.

5. Read and Write.
Both offer new insights and persepectives. For me, blogging has taken the place of journaling.

6. Do Something for Someone Else.
Ariane says, "To move through change, it's essential to bust through the illusion that you are the only one experiencing pain or suffering. It is the gift of perspective. Be bigger than just your change. Someone else needs you."

7. Get Quiet.
Sometimes we just need to do nothing to gain clarification. We can meditate or for me knit as ways to become quiet to the outside world.

8. Bring Joy Back!
Despite all the change going on outside, we are still the same inside, and we need to acknowledge that by doing the things we love or trying new activities to rejuvinate us.

So that is the plan of action I hope to follow over the summer with intention and resolve. No more handfuls of M&Ms; more exercise; more laughter; more keeping up with the daily tasks as I focus on clearing out and downsizing our possessions; more focusing on others; moe time for knitting; more vitamins; more decision making instead of going over all the options again and again.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I am trying to face the loss of the house with strength.
2. That I made increasing my compassion and forgiveness a priority during the divorce.
3. That it has been cool the past week and we have not been overpowered yet by the heat of summer.
4. That having reduced work hours right now gives me a chance to work on the house - once the house is taken care of I can renew the job search.
5. That I have created a plan that fits me and the way I think/live to give me a little guidance over the next three months.

Foreclosure

This morning I was served with the house foreclosure papers from the mortgage lender. This was before 7:00 a.m. and I was taking out the garbage/recycling and my son's friend was waiting to park his car in our driveway before school. The guy who served me was nice - he wished me good luck and I had the impression that he has been doing a lot of these over the last months.

I have been unable to talk to my real estate attorney (of course) and left messages for both he and his secretary. There have been a few tears shed and I called the boy's school to find out if they can still attend if we have to live with friends in another school district (I was told yes because we will be considered homeless). I asked the school secretary if she is dealing with other families like ours and she said yes and fears it is only going to get worse in the months ahead.

So where is a book or guide I can get that tells me how to face crisis on my own and get through this? I feel like a victim a little similar to those who lost homes in Hurricane Katrina. How did those poor people who lost everything pick up the pieces and start over? How did they keep their sanity for their children in the days of uncertainty and unrest?

It is a good thing we have no food in the house (especially junk food) because there is no telling how much I'd go through right now. I just spent my last $4.00 at the grocery store buying cheese, bread, a can of cat food and a generic bottle of soda to go with dinner. I still have not received my divorce settlement check and the divorce attorney did not call back today with the status of that payment - I left her a message last night. I am afraid our cell phones will be cut off later tonight for lack of payment.

I can only hope that tomorrow I will receive some word from my two attorneys - until then it is very unsettling and difficult to even go through the motions, which I am still managing to do.

Today I am grateful:

1. For managing to go through the motions (continue to work on the house, confer with friends, make lunches, go to the store, drop off donations at the Goodwill).
2. For my younger son's comment this morning after receiving the foreclosure papers - "It's not the end of the world."
3. That I am still focused and thinking of the boys who have faced so much already and don't deserve this new challenge.

Out of the fog to face reality

I am not sure I even understand this but I am going to try and put it down to make some sense of it. Today, when I got up from bed it was like being released from a bad dream. That some of the fog has lifted. I do not really know where I have been the last seven months! I know I have been functioning - cooking, shopping, attending high school football games, showering, eating, sleeping, grieving, filling the van with gas, shoveling snow. But it is almost that I have been maintaining an illusion of functioning or going through the motions. The past seven months since the divorce was filed seem like some place of unreality. I think I was functioning but that only part of me was actually present in that functioning. Maybe to describe it as though I became two different parts of myself and one went into hiding and the other came out and did all the stuff that needed to be done. Looking back on the past seven months I see myself as just existing in survival mode and somehow managing to get through the days and then not remembering much of the specifics of the days or how I actually lived them. Does this even make any sense? To be half living? Maybe that was what I was doing, only letting myself experience half of what was really happening because I would not have been able to truly feel or deal with the all of it.

I certainly knew without any doubt that this marriage was completely over on July 7th but I wonder if some part of me kept that actual acknowledgment at bay until the settlement mediation on February 19th. I can only now describe this reaction as finding yourself coming to after being in a car accident for example, and looking around and surveying the damage and saying, "Now what?" I'm not sure I was capable of even acknowledging the wreckage remaining from the end of this marriage until now. It is like the dream state I have existed in (which might better be termed as not facing reality) served as some kind of protection. And without that protective shield I would not be able to now have the strength to face the damage and start picking up the pieces.

Today I am grateful:

1. That whatever state I was in the past seven months helped get me through an incredibly painful part of my life.
2. That I am doing my best to face this trying period of my life with honesty and not by running away (literally) as my husband did. Nor am I covering up my pain with drugs, alcohol or excessive intake of empty calories, although I did eat some extra French bread with lots of butter the night before mediation. And we'll just not mention that big bag of peanut M & M's that I seemed to be the only one eating around Valentine's Day - "Oh look, the bag is amazingly empty!"
3. That I am just alive! And still feeling and still living even though it hurts like hell!