The Power of Love

I think I have figured out why this Valentine's Day has been so trying for me. During most days of the year I keep it together. Meaning I appear composed and all that grief buried inside me stays there. But that inside grief doesn't just vanish with the passage of time. It remains. A fact that we have to learn to live with. And for the most part, with the exception of self-pitying blog posts where I can release some of my agony, I do manage to keep my chin up and trudge forward.

But on holidays and observations like Valentine's Day, I am visually assaulted from every direction. And this year's visualizations seemed bigger and that there were more of them for sale. Maybe it is because of the stilted economy. But there was a balloon at the store that had to be five feet long. I'm not sure how it would fit in a vehicle to get home! Cute singing stuffed animals - huge flower arrangements - giant chocolate covered strawberries. All kinds of goodies brought out just for this occasion.

I do not begrudge anyone lucky enough to have love in their life. Love has been a major part of my consciousness since my husband's death. I believe love is the most important thing in the world and that the world needs more of it. Like Christmas, this is a day that receives a lot of focus and attention that is forgotten soon afterward. Instead of rushing to the gas station to pick up that 19.95 bouquet of roses to present to your sweetie, we all need to concentrate on demonstrating our love in kindness and actions, not objects, every day of the year.

So I'm surely not resentful of the fortunate people out there receiving valentines today. I suppose a little bitter and jealous. But I don't want to begrudge others their happiness or take that away from anyone.

Being bombarded every which way by reminders of love, lovers, romance, togetherness, marriage, commitment and the whole nine yards is like the world rubbing my nose into what I don't have and most want right now. To be in love and remarried. As a result of my childhood issues and probably my personality makeup in general, I have great difficulty living on my own. I want to be married and not just in a committed relationship. Sam moving away and my decision to remain here for the boys to finish high school has hit hard right now. Because I have given up the security and safety of being able to live with someone. And that is big for me.

The tokens and symbols of this day - the cards. hearts, candy, champagne, flowers and other pretties end up representing far more than mere gestures of love and affection. They are reminders of the pain I feel from having lost a husband too soon and having a marriage end before its time. I think also having the new losses of moving from my home and then Sam's departure are still very close to the surface and fresh. As a result, this year's day of love was harder to face.

I finished the large pink heart hanging I crocheted for the front door this morning and have hung it up (taking my giant mittens down for now). I want this heart to symbolize my hope for more love in this household and the entire world! This was a rough Valentine's for me. I wish it wasn't because there is enough hardship as it is. Tomorrow some of the red and pink will thankfully come down in the stores and windows. I am already planning on my next door display to be a rainbow and pot of gold. That will be fun to work on. But I'll leave the pink heart up another week or so. And tonight I'll celebrate love of family with the boys. We will feast on our little heart-shaped cakes, and Twizzlers.

Before this day ends, here are words of Danielle Steel. They appear in the beginning of one of her recent books, "One Day At A Time." I found them lovely, touching and inspiring.

"Whatever happens, has happened, or will happen,
I still believe in Love, whatever orthodox,
unorthodox, ordinary, or extraordinary form it takes.
Never give up Hope.

d.s."

Today I am grateful:

1. For the "free" cake I ended up receiving since the package was priced incorrectly.
2. That there is a day devoted to the demonstration and reflection of love - we need more.
3. For the power of love because I firmly believe it is the most powerful force in the world.
4. For snowmen.
5. For the gift card my son's track coach gave him that allowed the purchase of new track shoes and compression shorts.

Message to Danielle Steel

I am not a book snob. I enjoy classic literature, lots of self-help stuff, current bestsellers and Danielle Steel. Quite frankly, there are some times when only a Danielle Steel will do, like when I need a good cry and I'm having trouble making tears. I carry my D.S. books around without taking off the jackets or hiding the title. By the same token I do not hide the fact that I really find Hamburger Helper pretty tasty (although I only use ground turkey).

Anyway, the reason I bring this topic up is that my Certified Nursing Assistant instructor mentioned today that she doesn't watch much t.v., although she does enjoy reading Danielle Steel. But she added that she is getting tired of this author because her characters are always rich, famous, princesses and the like. My instructor commented that it would be nice to have Ms. Steel write one of her novels with poor or more ordinary characters. I replied that I find D.S. books to always have happy endings where everything works out with minimal conflict.

I was thinking of one of Steel's novels involving a widow with five kids. Her attorney husband is murdered by his client's vindictive ex-husband. New widow (also an attorney) falls in love with the doctor (if I am remembering correctly) who treats her teenager son after he is involved in a car accident. Doctor doesn't have kids of his own and is ready and willing to accept widow's bunch. A few of her kids put up some resistance but he wins them all over in the end and the couple gets married a year after the husband's death.

Now I had a similar situation with the man I remarried (being quickly swept off my feet) but he lacked the tolerance (no kids) or experience (never married) to win my sons over and bailed out so fast I can still hear the screech of his tires when our life became challenging. Someone should take my situation and make it into a novel (more realistic). Or how about my reality of meeting another guy who is really and willing to accept my sons (plus he is tolerant, accepting and patient besides) but he has moved out-of-state and marrying him would involve uprooting my sons for their last one and two years of high school. How about that situation for a D.S. novel? What would the characters do to reach that happy, everybody wins ending?

Message to Danielle Steel - Please write some books about normal widows facing complicated lives and decisions that are not so easily resolved. You'd still sell the books and they might prove to be of more value to readers out there instead of giving them pure escapism and fantasy.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Pumpkin donuts from Dunkin' Donuts
2. Pumpkin pie
3. Pumpkin flavored lip gloss (who would have thought that this would ever be created?)
4. Danielle Steel books
5. The first lit and decorated Christmas tree I saw this year in the window of the karate studio down the street.