Ode to a Purse

After three years of making due with whatever has already been in my closet, I ended that period of deprivation with a purchase of a much needed purse today. A $12.00 purse from Family Dollar, no less. But I have wanted it since seeing it in the fall. And it is making me very pleased and happy. I love the plum color as I usually carry green bags. Purple/amethyst is supposed to represent plenty and financial prosperity and I can use all the good luck now whether superstition or not.

And that brings me to having to say goodbye to my present bag. I was lucky to find it in the closet this spring, still with its tag on, a BOGO from Payless some years ago. I ended up loving this bag - the bright green color that cheered me, the large size big enough to carry a paperback, knitting project and small lunch if need be. So although I usually change my bag in fall to one in an autumn color, this year partly because lack of funds and because I loved the bag so much, I just kept using it. And still kept using it up until now when I like to change bags to fit the winter season - a more muted color tone.

I hate to say goodbye to this purse that I would probably have never even used if I hadn't had to go digging for one since I couldn't afford a new one last spring. It is showing signs of wear and I think when items become shabby it is time to retire them. This bag will go down as one of my all time favorites. It served me well and gave me a lot of enjoyment every time I carried it and even looked at it.

I am not into designer handbags but a few years ago did fall in love with an orange leather satchel from Talbots that was almost $200.00. I thought about waiting to purchase it when it went on sale but never got around to it. Funny, how an inexpensive item can bring so much enjoyment and be practical and useful at the same time. This $20.00 bag from Payless I am sure ended up bringing me even greater pleasure than that over priced Talbot's bag.

I like my new plum bag too even though it is not leather - like that it is from Family Dollar and only $12.00. I don't think I'll end up "loving" it but it is nice to have a new bag and to retire one that has served its purpose but is now past its time.

I have come to appreciate the deals found at stores like Family Dollar. I have a new bag that didn't break the bank, looks good and pleases me because I've treated myself to something new, as well as needed.

Goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to things we love and let new things in even if they are unfamiliar and different.

Not Missing Anything

Heard today that holiday shopping sales were up 5.5%, the best sales figures since 2007, the year we started experiencing hardship and I stopped shopping. I have to say that since that time, I have missed buying Christmas gifts, decorations, household items and clothing. We've pretty much used what we have already owned and haven't replaced items unless absolutely necessary.

I've just stayed out of the malls and stores as much as possible with the exception of the used book store and going to the craft store every once in awhile. There are times that I have to go to the mall or a major department store for one of the boys, but not very often. I guess over the past years I have felt deprived and as though I have been missing out on things. It has been hard. There is a sense of pride that I've made it three years without buying myself any clothing (except one top on sale for $11.00). I find when I go to the stores and see items that I start to want them. If I don't see things, I don't miss them or care.

I'm not sure why holiday sales were up this year because I think we are still a nation suffering economically. This year was better for us not so much that I had more money, but that I was able to be better able to navigate the "system" (finding out about the Christmas Store in our community that allowed me to buy new gifts for my sons at greatly reduced cost) and getting the online gift card and gifts from the kind woman at the food pantry. My sons also received gifts from a friend of their late father so actually had a total of $70.00 cash!

My youngest wanted to get his girlfriend another small gift to go with the key necklace he had already purchased. We had discussed the idea of a perfume set. So on Sunday he asked me to take him out to some stores and we hit Walgreen's first where the perfume aisle was stripped bare. The Christmas aisle was also getting empty and was full of people tossing through items - the whole scene reminded me of a mob mentality - not that bad but still crazy and chaotic. We went to WalMart next with again entire shelves lying empty. Onward to Bath and Body Works which was insanely crowded. My son and I were getting claustrophobic from the pushing and brushing up against us as others passed by. My poor son asked me to choose the fragrance and dutifully smelled the sample cards in front of his nose. But after about 15 minutes he said they all had started to smell the same and he didn't care what we got as long as we chose something and got the heck out of there!

We ended up with a cute pair of fuzzy and soft socks on sale for $3.00 and then got three fragrances for $10.00 in the Cherry Blossom scent, Midnight Pomegranate and Vanilla Berry - total amount, $13.00. Then we stood 29th in line to pay for this small purchase. Yes, we were the 29th customers in line. How nutty is that?

I haven't witnessed this kind of shopping in a number of years and it made me feel sad. Go home and spend time with your families I wanted to say to some of the people. At the same time, being in the store for an hour or so resulted in me starting to want some of the things I saw - in particular, a nutmeg scented candle even though I still have a pretty ample supply of candles left to burn.

My oldest son went to the mall to buy a set of sheets for one of his girlfriend's gifts a few days before Christmas; (I like his practicality, she needed them and had requested a sheet set) and told me he would never go to a mall again so close to Christmas - it was crowded and he did not enjoy the experience although he got a good parking spot.

My youngest son and I were relieved to leave the fragrance store and head on home. The only thing I think I enjoyed out of the experience was looking at the cute snowflake garland hung from the ceiling in pinks and reds.

All these years I've thought I've been missing out on the shopping experience and the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Now I realize that I haven't really missed out on anything at all. It meant a great deal for me to be able to have gifts for the boys this year but I realize that the past years without gifts weren't the end of the world. Gifts are nice in moderation but not worth fighting over in a Walgreen's aisle or spending the better part of an afternoon getting. Going without has made us far more grateful for what we did receive and what we have. I think all of us realize as well that things don't make us happy and that we can learn to live without when need be.

We've all become far more thoughtful and deliberate in our actions, thinking, speaking and spending. In the end, maybe the biggest surprise is that looking back, not having gifts has ended up becoming a gift. Go figure. Never would I have thought that or even considered that in 2007!

A Tale of Two Pantries - In Two Parts

Last month, someone gave me the name of a "marvelous" food pantry in a neighboring, larger city where the clients get to choose their own food. I decided to check it out even though after I looked at the web site, I saw that I would not qualify for services since this pantry operates under strict Federal income guidelines - with the pension, we are about $300.00 over the amount that would entitle us to food stamps or emergency food assistance at some pantries.

When I got to the place, it reminded me of a warehouse like Sam's Club. The bread section alone looked like a bakery. There was an abundance of food and about 75 people ahead of me waiting for a turn to choose their food. I was seen earlier since I mentioned right away that my income was higher than the client requirement. The director of the pantry, an elegant, attractive woman of about 60, sympathized with me but said I would only be able to receive what they termed the limited assistance they provide to those with higher incomes. She said that at one time in her life she was in a situation very similar to mine. I asked her what she did to survive, and she replied, "Just what you are already doing, creative meal planning, scrimping, etc."

The food I would be entitled to that day included my choice of 10 items from three shelves. On these shelves were the following items: canned beef stew, chili beans, off brand chicken & rice soup, off brand tomato soup, peanut butter (no jelly) and off brand toasted oat cereal. You can imagine my dismay at this selection because this is what I get visiting my local pantry. But I went ahead and took some of the soup, beans and peanut butter. We don't eat beef so no stew - there aren't a lot of other options as we are such a beef eating country but a can of tuna would have been appreciated.

They threw in some extra items - four loaves of bread and two desserts, including 24 cupcakes decorated in a Thanksgiving theme which was very nice - half chocolate, half vanilla - we still have 4 left. They also offered me a bag of apples and carrots and even provided me with a frozen smoked turkey when they found out we don't eat beef so I didn't leave empty handed. But it was disappointing, especially looking at the massive shelves of available food and even the sign on a stack of Hamburger/Tuna Helper that said clients could take up to six! And people living in this city get to go to the pantry twice a month (those living elsewhere, once).

At the pantry I go to, I receive pretty much the same fare each time which includes: a can of tuna (sometimes), 2 boxes of mac & cheese, dried beans, rice, a box of instant potatoes, a bottle of cooking oil, pancake mix, syrup, canned spaghetti sauce, spaghetti noodles, 2-4 cans of soup, peanut butter, jelly, and a can or two of fruit and vegetables. Sometimes there is bread and meat - sometimes, not always. Every other month I can receive a box of powder laundry detergent sold at the dollar store for a dollar - this is what I buy anyway, I am so cheap. Once in awhile there will be something extra like a box of taco shells, cheese or fresh vegetables, e.g., being able to take 3 small baked potatoes. There are days after going to this pantry that I wonder why I even go. Then I feel bad for not being grateful at what I received. I thought it was me until one time I overheard a young woman saying how little had been received. "That's all?"

It's hard eating mashed potatoes without gravy or a meat accompaniment. I currently have more canned soup and peanut butter in the pantry than I want to look at (17 jars of peanut butter), along with 8 boxes of mac & cheese even though we eat a few boxes every week. There is just so much chicken noodle soup you can eat. There is definitely no variety and a terrible lack of fresh food items. And I despise lentil beans. So a lot of this stuff has just remained in the pantry. I try to come up with recipes that will use some of items and I have left some in the laundry area of my building to pass on. But it is clear that even if someone had only this selection of items to eat, that it wouldn't last more than a few meals anyway. This pantry allows you to go only once a month, so how do poor people get through the rest of the month? I've heard of pantry hopping.

Which gets me to wondering, how does this pantry in the other town have so much more and a better variety than the one in my town? Let me add, no one goes to a food pantry willingly. I want to be able to choose my own food, not be handed a box of discards or dented cans. Many times the items received are past code by a number of months. Depending on what it is I usually eat it. The church ladies at the pantry have been condescending to me, especially the older ones. There is the pervasive belief in our country that people are poor because of some deformity or flaw with them - not that an unfortunate situation or circumstance had some impact.

I cried the first few times going to the pantry. Now I don't cry but every time I enter the parking lot I say a prayer that I'll never have to go there again.

All Americans should have access to food. Despite my pension, we didn't have any available money left over for food in November. In the middle of the month I had to write two hot checks at the grocery store to make ends meet ($60.00 each). The bank paid the grocery store but charged me fees which catch up with me now this month and are putting me behind before December even arrives, and starting the whole cycle over again.

To be continued in Part Two.

Survival Mode Update

On Monday, I went to two food pantries in the area and was able to stock up on enough provisions to get us through to "payday." It was a "good day" at the food banks. Some days are better than others and there isn't enough food to pass out. They urged me to take as much as the day old bread they had and there was a package of honey wheat bagels, strawberry pastry puffs and chocolate muffins besides. I was thrilled with the three pound chub of ground turkey I got because that alone would have gotten us through the week.

What I was most thankful for was that I actually got a package of shredded cheddar cheese - usually fresh goods aren't available. Also, I was given two gift cards for $10.00 each for a local food store that has a gas station. That means my son will have enough gas to drive to his volleyball tournament this weekend.

I was so grateful - so far everything was being covered except some extra money needed for gas for my car and for some fresh items from the grocery store - milk, margarine, etc. Last night, in going through old papers from the storage shed I came across an unused gift card from Target with a $20.00 balance. So today I will get the needed milk. Still need to come up with about $5.00 for gas for me. And I need the money to do laundry. I've taken to making due with whatever is clean in my closet - I'm no longer dressing for fashion and doing the laundry for the boys since they get so dirty playing sports.

I broke down and called my girlfriend and just left a message asking her if I could do a few loads at her home in the next two days. I hate asking for anything but at this point don't seem to have a choice. And I do feel better asking her for a service favor rather than money.

I remain hopeful that a few dollars will pop up so I can put some gas in my little sedan. So far we are limping along. But it is difficult and takes a lot out of me emotionally. To live on the edge like this is a stressful challenge. I'll provide another update later in the week and if you want to see an account of what I received at the food pantries, I will be listing that at my other blog: Plunged Into Poverty. For now, I'm trying to somewhat keep my grief and life of reduced circumstances separate in my blogs, even though there is some overlapping among the two situations.

Discount Shoes and Discounted Groceries

Yesterday was pay day - both with the pension check and my pay from the nursing home. My youngest asked for a new pair of shoes for the summer. He had seen a pair of canvas slip-ons for $20.00 at Payless when he was out with friends. I took him there after school. They had a buy-one-get-one-half-off sale and I suggested he also pick out a pair of sandals and he did (cost us another $10.00).

I felt so sad and yet strangely happy at the same time during the shoe store excursion. Sad that my son is only getting a $20.00 pair of shoes, from a discount shoe store no less. But then happy that he was so grateful and pleased with the shoes and that he got a bonus pair besides.

After our shopping (which with boys is pretty much in and out quickly), I dropped him off and went to the store for something for dinner. My oldest complained when I told him we were having turkey hot dogs. He said he'd eaten hot dogs all weekend, whenever he'd gone to one of his friend's houses - all the dads were grilling!

So, I hit the store I frequent to see if there was anything on sale that I could prepare as an alternative. As I've mentioned in other posts, this store sells meat and dairy products for half price when they are at the expiration code. Yesterday, they had some gourmet skillet meals (chicken and pasta) for just $3.00 and I picked up two for the boys because they looked especially hungry. They were excited having just gotten their practice football equipment for summer camp.

I came home and made the pasta along with bagged salad (99 cents from ALDI) and while I was cooking gave the boys French bread with artichoke/cheese spread. It was such a nice meal and I felt proud of myself for being able to feed the boys until they were full and do it on such a limited budget.

The boys wanted to watch "America's Got Talent," which we have never followed. While they were watching I served them strawberry shortcake, the ingredients I'd picked up to have over the holiday weekend. But I never made it because the boys were never home - busy with friends, marching in the parade, plus I worked this weekend. Just seeing the boys scarf down their meals with appreciation meant a lot to me. To give them a little extra with the bread and spread, to have dessert.

I felt good as a mom - that despite the financial hardships, there are glimmers of hope in a new pair of inexpensive shoes and a filling meal. I don't often feel this way, like I'm doing an adequate job since we always seem so lacking. But I did feel a sense of pride in my abilities to stretch out a dollar and again am reminded of how in the end, happiness doesn't come from the amount that is spent. I was able to provide for the boys beyond the mere basics - stomachs and hearts were content as we watched t.v. together as a family.

The Bacon That Got Away

Melaka very kindly responded to my last post by suggesting I check out the Angel Food Ministries at www.angelfoodministries.com. I had not heard of this organization. They have local host sites that package fresh foods which you order online in advance and then pickup on a certain date. There is a menu for each month and it looks like you need to place your order by mid-month to be able to pick up your selections by the end of the month. There are great deals on meat packages (approx. $32.00 a box) but because we do not eat beef it would not be beneficial for me to order one. So I checked out the fresh fruit and vegetables. Here is this month's box at a cost of $22.00:

3 lbs. oranges
2 lbs. red delicious apples
1 lb. plums
4 pears
4 Fuji apples
2 grapefruit
6 small boxes rasins
3 lbs. red potatoes
2 lbs. onions
1 head green cabbage
1 lb. baby carrots
1 lb. dried pinto beans

I decided to go to my local ALDI and see what the cost of the same items would be there to see if it would be worth placing an online order. ALDI had everything but the cabbage and Fuji apples. They also had bigger quantities - a 4 lb. bag of oranges, 3 lbs. of red delicious apples, 5 lbs. of red potatoes, 2 lbs. of tangerines instead of just four. Substitituting a head of cauliflower for the cabbage and not including the Fuji apples, the total cost of these items not including tax was $18.74!

Shopping at ALDI is what is saving me at this point. I only go to the "regular" grocery store if they have a good special. The regular store also has a section in their meat dept. where they put the items that are close to code. That is how I get all our meat. On Friday I got 2 packages of turkey burgers, then one each of turkey tenerloins, turkey cutlets and turkey Italian sausage for just $5.00 or 99 cents a package. I try to stop by every day just to see what may be available for 99 cents. Once I passed on a package of bacon because I try to limit our processed foods. But I kept kicking myself for passing on it because I could have put it in the freezer. Now I tell myself that whenever I see a deal too good to pass up to get it. I'll throw it in the freezer.

I have found that our local dollar store sells bread for 50 cents a loaf, as well as hamburger and hot dog buns. I got a loaf of white, wheat and hamburger buns this weekend. I checked out the bakery on the back label. Turns out the bread is from the famous Chicago bakery, Gonnella! What a find. This bread is really good quality. Who would have ever thought that I'd get so excited over a 50 cent load of bread.

I've also discovered another store that markets to an ethnic population. They have discounted bakery items and fruits and vegetables too. Like a large package of apples, oranges and pears for just 99 cents. At the regular store they have a special now on General Mills cereal, four boxes for $5.00. I got four on Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas here. The boys were so happy to have brandname cereal to eat. I ended up having cereal for dinner this weekend when the boys were out and it was a wonderful treat. I am going back for four more boxes.

I've been baking muffins and cookies to supplement our soup and sandwich dinners. They seem to make up for the budget stretching. I have rediscoverd that box of Bisquick and have just baked one of my favorite comfort food recipes - the crumb coffee cake with the brown sugar and cinnamon topping. Yummy.

I am proud of my thriftiness and creativity in the kitchen. If there is anything positive that has come out of my financial distress it is that I no longer take money and shopping for granted. Before widowhood, I'd go to the regular grocery store and fill my cart with whatever I wanted. I didn't clip coupons but by the same token I didn't go overboard. We were never an extravagant steak-eating family. I shopped the sales. But I never worried about writing the check to pay the bill. And there was waste with fresh food items often being thrown out or leftovers not being saved. I will never go back to that mindset. A loaf of bread has become dear and I long for the day I'll find another 99 cent package of bacon. This time I am going to grab it before it gets away!

Fun, Easy, Cheap Cookie Recipe - Best Served After Budget Dinner Leaves Kids Hungry For A Treat - Great With Large Glasses of Filling Milk

Fudge Crinkles (Betty Crocker)

1 box Devil's Food Cake Mix
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 t. vanilla
powdered sugar

Mix all ingredients except powdered sugar. Shape dough into one inch-balls. Roll in powdered sugar. Place balls two inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes at 350. (I redipped the baked cookies in more powder sugar because they needed it after baking).

Today I am grateful:

1. For ALDI grocery stores.
2. For store brand labels that I can use instead of namebrands at less cost.
3. For all the 99 cent meat specials I find because they let me afford meat - please keep them coming my way.
4. For programs like the Angel Food Ministries that realize folks need and deserve affordable fresh food items and more than canned goods.
5. For the bacon that got away because it taught me the value of getting a deal and not passing on another one in the future.

Wanting And Needing (Ode To A Calendar)

I am not a winter person and especially find January bleak and uninspiring. The only thing that salvages this time of year, in my opinion, it that we can start off with a fresh calendar and/or datebook. I always enjoy browsing the huge display of calendars that they put out in the book stores starting in October and usually by this time have purchased several. I have to have a datebook to carry in my bag or purse that sets out the boys' sports schedules, important phone numbers, etc. Then I like to have one with pretty pictures to hang in the kitchen. For the bedroom and my desk, I've always loved those page-a-day ones and have gotten them with knitting, crochet, water color painting, origami, cross stitch themes and so on. And oftentimes I'd give one of the boys a calendar of their favorite sports team as a Christmas gift.

If I am remembering correctly, I came across the figure a few years back that there are more than 300 different calendar themes to choose from. By now, maybe that number is up to 500! Talk about something for everyone - birds, cooking, gardening, puzzles, flowers, cute baby animals, The Far Side, jokes, nature... When you think about it, it is kind of amazing to have that much choice and selection. But also at the same time another in-your-face reminder of how our society operates - people will buy more, if there is more to buy. Boy, don't I know that being tempted to get more than one in the past. I remember those days when I was a kid and there were only a few designs to select from. It has almost gotten out-of-hand with too much product on the shelf, no matter what section of the store you are in. I once counted the soap dispensers available at Target and it was over 30!

Anyway, it has been a tough couple years financially. I have bit the bullet and strived to use and make do with what I already have. I came across the huge calendar displays at various times over the fall and resisted my impulse to at least get one of the page-a-days with the knitting or crochet theme since those are my hobbies. But alas, while I can hold off on buying new clothes and such, a calendar is one of those items that is non-usable. It needs to be replaced every year. So I went to Barnes & Noble earlier in the week to obtain a datebook. I'd been organizing my purse and records inspired by that surge we get come Jan. 1, and determined that a datebook is not something I can survive without.

I live in a big metropolitan area and the stores around here sell out of their stock quickly. The remaining calendar selection was slim but I found one that I liked with a design of birds that was cute and it was only $4.00, half price (plus I got another member discount so all was good). I had hoped to find one of the knitting or crochet page-a-days left but there were not any. This ended up disappointing me so the next day I went to another larger book store to see if they had any. They did not.

I was surprised at how much this started to bother me. I wanted one of these calendars and regretted not getting one earlier. They feature almost daily knitting/crochet patterns and pack a lot of bang into your buck. You're basically getting 100+ patterns for just $16.00 (full cost). I was disappointed and could have lived with not having one of those calendars this year - so be it - it wasn't the year for excess spending, think ahead to next year. But then I remembered that in past years they've had those stores in the mall that solely sell calendars at this time. So I said, "What the heck," I'll make a quick run to the mall and check it out.

Along with winter, I'm not a mall person. Just don't enjoy going to them and haven't for many years. I prefer hitting the smaller strip malls or to order by catalog. I was on a mission - to see if there was a calendar store and to get in and out as soon as possible. I entered the mall through a large department store and have to say that I did gaze longingly at the cute pajamas they had on sale for 70% off. Then when I walked through the fragrance section, I did think about how nice it would be to be able to afford a new scent. But for the time being I am doing okay using what I already have. And it does ultimately end up feeling better to use what I have!

Just a short distance away from this store was the calendar store and I purchased two page-a-day ones. I got the last knitting one they had and the crochet one, of which there were several. They were half-price so I paid $16.00 for both. I figure that ends up to be about 5 cents a day for a whole lot of enjoyment throughout the year. When I put the cost factor into it, I was able to justify the purchase. Making this purchase was also more meaningful because of the savings, as well as the fact that I'd had to search for the product after making the conscious decision that it was something that I really wanted and would miss if I didn't have. In the past, I'd just pick up one of the calendars back in October - it was a taken for granted, almost mindless purchase. This time is different. I am grateful that I found the calendars and that I'll be able to enjoy them all year. And again I am struck by the reality that it is often the little things that end up meaning the most. I also recently read that "the high" we obtain from material items is very short-lived. I found that once I got out of the sleepware and frangrance departments, I didn't really have any desire for pjs or a new bottle of perfume. Out of sight, out of mind.

Part of me wrestles with whether I should have restrained myself from making this purchase. After all, it wasn't entirely necessary. The datebook was what I really needed. But then I go back to the 5 cents a day cost and tell myself that indeed, it is worth that small cost. Even in the middle of struggles, whatever they may be, there have to be ways that we can treat ourselves and nurture our souls.

Today I am grateful that:

1. The snowstorm wasn't as bad as predicted.
2. Already the worst week of the entire year (in my opinion) is over!
3. There was one knitting calendar left and I got it.
4. The boys are getting caught up with their school work.
5. I don't have to shovel myself out as I did when I was a homeowner (at least one perk to renting).

Staying In As The Snow Falls

We are having ANOTHER winter storm here, SIGH, which is supposed to continue through tomorrow. It is a day for hunkering down and staying in. On days like these I like to have something in the oven going to boost up the heat and to make our home smell more warm and cozy. Last night, I baked banana bread from a box of cake mix I had on hand. I had wanted to use up some bananas and didn't want to put in much effort. One review of the recipe, which I found online, said that the first loaf of the bread was eaten by the family in one day. Well, I will top that. My boys ate one of the loaves within an hour! I didn't believe the reviews which raved about the recipe but it is very moist and good. Almost as good as my real banana bread made from scratch!

Cheap, Easy, Fun Banana Bread

1 box yellow cake mix
3 - 5 ripe bananas (I used 4)
1/3 cup vegetable oil (you can also use 1 cup of apple sauce if that is what is on hand)
3 eggs
optional - 1 cup chocolate chips, which we add to everything I bake

Mix all ingredients well, pour into two loaf pans coated with cooking spray and bake at 350 degrees for approximately 45 minutes (start checking on bread at 35 minutes).

I also made a new recipe for chili last night, which was a nice change of pace since I make a lot of chili over the winter - once a week.

Sloppy Joe Chili

1 cup chopped onion
2 T. Chili powder (at least - I always use more)
1 lb. ground turkey or beef
1 can Sloppy Joe sauce
1 can drained kidney beans
3 cups hot cooked white rice

Brown onions and chili powder with cooking spray. Cook meat and drain. Stir in Sloppy Joe sauce and beans, heating for about 5 minutes. Serve chili over rice and top with cheese, sour cream and more chili powder. I always serve corn with chili. We don't usually eat chili with rice and it was surprisingly tasty.

I am taking advantage of being able to stay in and putter. We're supposed to get at least 7 inches of snow. This is kind of my last fling, since I'll be seriously searching for work as soon as I take the Nursing Asst. state exam next Sat. I am trying to be as cheap as possible in terms of feeding us but want to be preparing some more creative entrees focusing on what is in the pantry.

I have a large can of Bartlet pears and some applesauce so today's mission will be to see what I can come up with to use those. I still have some bananas left and might try the above recipe using a box of chocolate cake mix. I love to cook and bake and really have not done it since having to pack up and move from the house. Things seem to be settling in a bit or maybe I am just ready to try and make life more settled. For me that has always involved cooking and baking and I am finding it a creative challenge to come up with cheap and flavorful dishes.

Our place still smells so good from last night's meal and banana bread. I want to try and keep up this effort and momentum. It makes a difference. My oldest came in last night from studying with his girlfriend and the first words out of his mouth were how good it smelled when he opened the door. We all need more of those simple moments.

Is It An Oven Mitt Or A Mitten?

I am doing my best to not post anything depressing or down today - for my sake as well as those who read. So here is a funny situation that had the boys and I laughing hysterically last night.

I am knitting some items for my oldest son's girlfriend - mittens, ski band, scarf and mittens. My son and I picked up some little things from the dollar store. And he is using the gift cards he got from her (Walmart and Kohl's) to get her something else.

When my son saw the mittens I'd made he was visibly disappointed. He told me they looked like an oven mitt! I guess they were a little big and bulky. I ended up going to bed unsure of what I would do. This morning, I got up and immediately set to work on crocheting another pair of mittens in a smaller size. And my son was much more pleased. I'm not sure what will come of the larger sized pair. My son told me he could still give them to his girlfriend to use as oven mitts - but I don't think they are bulky enough to provide protection from the heat.

I don't know what happened - I made the mittens as per the directions. Despite my aggravation at having to redo a couple hours of work, the situation did provide us all with a lot of laughter and cheap entertainment. The laughs lasted all night. And I suppose that is a gift of sorts. Although as I'm still laughing over this, my youngest is telling me that the moment is way over!

Skipping Christmas For Real

I have stopped including my gratitude list of five things at the end of each of my posts. I should go back and see the date of when that happened. But today I am grateful that I haven't overdrafted my checking account. There is still $109.21 as of today left in it, so I am extremely grateful that I can still afford some food to get through until the 1st. It took a bit of juggling the bills to make it this month. Driving back and forth to Sam's each weekend put a big crimp into the budget. But I made it through fingers crossed. The worry and concern over bouncing a check is always on my mind too. I am going to go to Walgreen's to see if I can return a folding table I bought a few months ago and never used. I'd thought that I'd use it in the kitchen or as a computer printer stand but never did. That would get me $25.00 back, which would be enough for a Christmas feast! But I read the back of the receipt and it states that returns have to be made within 30 days. I'm hoping they'll give me a break.

Last night to scrimp and save I made pot pies for dinner with a can of peas which I thought would be filling. The pot pies each cost 50 cents. I had one pie and gave my youngest son two. The oldest was going out with friends and said he could grab a sandwich at someone's house. Right now my stomach is rumbling - the peas were not as filling as I'd thought. I'll be running out soon to pick up some groceries doing exactly what they say not to - shop when you're hungry.

My dear girlfriend called to tell me the time for us to come over to her home on Christmas - 3:00 p.m. She said she is trying to get caught up wrapping the gifts for her three kids, who have been very close to mine the past 13 years. I felt so removed from her statement because this year I have absolutely no gifts to wrap or purchase. This was the Christmas that wasn't. It will just be another day besides going to my girlfriend's for dinner. Part of me actually feels some relief about not being caught up in the celebration. But that may just be a front to keep me from feeling upset that the boys won't have any gifts to open. They did receive new phones from Sam who included unlimited texting and internet use too. Yes, this is nice but it would also be nice for them to be able to open up a little something - a surprise. Does it count that a few months ago I bought them each $200.00 of clothing (from the Used Teen Clothing Store Plato's Closet?). No, I think phones and clothes are in the pile of necessities parents are supposed to provide for their kids. They are a given.

Oh, I forgot. I did buy two things for the boys back when I thought our financial condition was more sound - a Packer's bean bag chair and some music picture (drums, guitar). I left them at Sam's because the car was too full coming back yesterday. Our trip back was delayed a good hour because my oldest drove into the piled snow at the side of Sam's steep driveway and it took a concentrated shoveling effort and even the strength of four big guys from down the street to get the van out. I told the boys I'd give them the gifts as New Year's presents.

But for now I am grateful for a roof over our heads be it at Sam's or here at the apartment. And that there is still money for food and maybe I can even afford a package of Christmas cookies.

It is funny - just the other day I saw one of my favorite holiday movies, "Christmas with the Kranks", which is based on the adorable novel "Skipping Christmas" by John Grisham. Unlike the movie or book, this year this family is really skipping Christmas.

Hungry Holidays Ho Ho Ho

It was my son's 17th birthday this week. I was unable to get him anything. That fact has broken my heart. He asked me for $5.00 to add to the $5.00 he had so he could look for a winter coat at the Goodwill store. His search was unsuccessful. While we were snowbound at the new home, there was no school for three days and on Thur. we were all stir crazy. My oldest went with us to look for a coat at TJ Maxx. He found one for $40.00 and Sam got it for him along with some new headphones since his had broken. Then at Walmart, Sam got my son a Packers t-shirt to wear to tomorrow's game, and an inexpensive pair of gloves and hat. The night before Sam brought home an ice cream cake and treated the boys to Taco Bell. So I want to believe that my son had a birthday of sorts. He received a few things. Not much and some were necessities. It hurts the most that I was unable to shop and get him anything.

While we were at Walmart I found a decent looking jacket for only $7.00. I wanted my son to get it and then we'd return the $40.00 one from TJ Maxx. I truly thought it looked warm and sufficient. Sam agreed with my son that we should keep the more expensive one. I regretted that we'd gone to TJ Maxx first. If we'd gone to Walmart first my son would have probably been satisified with the jacket there. It kind of amazed me that I was in this Walmart (a store I rarely set foot in when my husband was alive), regretting the non-purchase of a $7.00 jacket! Who would ever have believed this would be my reality following my husband's death? Pinching and counting pennies out of necessity. Being unable to afford birthday or Christmas gifts for my sons.

I know this low point is just temporary. Once I start working life will improve. But while we're here it is such a low point to be. I feel dragged and sucked under the poverty, worry and anxiety. I am becoming obsessed with food again. I am not eating much, throwing whatever odds and ends can be put together and concentrating on feeding the boys. They seem to have stomachs that are bottomless. Everyone seems to be hungry. There is food at Sam's - nothing fancy but at least filling. I am here back at home for the weekend wishing I'd taken some from his home because our kitchen is bare. But the boys were so anxious to leave I didn't. I figured we could make it a couple days.

I have a vision of a Christmas tree just filled with food. Do you know the ones that they sometimes display hung with sugar cookies or gingerbread men? Two years ago I hung a tree in my kitchen just filled with gingerbread men. I used a glue gun to fasten red ribbon bows as hangers. It was very cute. Now I imagine a tree filled with ribboned chocolate covered pretzels. And those little chocolate ball and santa ornaments. And loads of sugar cookie angels and bells to keep company with the gingerbread men. I think I could be creative and come up with some other food items to hand up there too - candy canes, popcorn garlands...

My son told me today he feels down about not having any money to afford gifts for his friends. Last year I knit and crocheted some things for his then girlfriend - a pink scarf and ski band. I will offer to do that again. Maybe I can come up with something for his buddies - key chains or a wrist band. It is pretty lame I know. Needless to say I am not in much of a holiday mood and do not have much holiday cheer or spirit. I just want this absolute miserable year to be over - the year of my divorce and losing my home.

$7.00 Dinner

A day before payday and $7.00 left for dinner. Went to the grocery store and wandered up and down the aisles for inspiration. $7.00 is just not enough. Nothing was inspiring me. I went to my favorite section of the store (the discounted meat they put out in a small area) and the only thing they had that looked okay was a package of ground pork for $1.99. After wandering around some more, I hurried back for that package with a plan to incorporate it with items already in the pantry. I also picked up a loaf of garlic bread which was $2.99. I could have gotten a loaf for $2.50 but got the one my family prefers. Had $2.00 left and wanted to get some kind of cookies for the boys for dessert. Nothing for that amount in the cookie/cracker aisle. I checked out the slice and bake varieties and got one of those although it was $2.50. I actually had to dig on the bottom of my purse to come up with the change for the tax!

So, what did I end up making? A great homemade spaghetti sauce with two cans of Italian style tomatoes to which I added onion, garlic, pepper flakes, Italian seasoning, olive oil, Parmesan cheese and salt. Simmered for 30 minutes and served with some Italian green beans and the garlic toast. Now I'll make the chocolate chip cookies. Warm from the oven and with glasses of milk that will be a nice finish to the meal.

The boys were very approving of my sauce and went back for seconds. Although we had meals out on Thur. and Sun., the rest of the weekend we made do with turkey hot dogs and chicken patties. It feels good to be thrifty, resourceful, creative and a decent cook when I do cook.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the sound of crickets at night this time of year.
2. For the Recession-busting lower prices at the stores. The manager at the Chicago-area chain I was at today made an announcement over the intercom and said that they are trying to help with the lower prices because of the tougher times we're ALL facing. I liked that all-inclusive acknowledgment.
3. For being able to feed the boys another month.
4. For cool sheets and pillow cases but a warm comforter on top.
5. For kids who tell you they've finished their homework.

A bunch of flowers in a one liter plastic soda bottle

A friend was kind and thoughtful enough to give me a bunch of flowers last Saturday and they have lasted the entire week and are still going strong. He purposely chose a bunch of five flowers that had three that were still unopened. That was a great idea because it extended the life of the flowers and it was fun to see them open up a little each day. I put the flowers on my dining room table and that resulted me in having to clean off the table (covered with paperwork) and then keep it clean the rest of the week. This was smart on my part because it committed me to keeping at least one area of my home (yes, a very small one but one none the less) uncluttered.

The first few days the flowers made the whole room smell like Spring. Every time I walked past them I felt happier and thought favorably of my friend. He will not know how much his gesture meant to me or how much it really gave to me throughout the week. At times I marveled at how a simple bunch of inexpensive flowers could result in so much good but they did. I made a point of eating at the dining room table and doing my paperwork there too. Everything in the room seemed to perk up a bit - the tired, old furniture looked less worn.

I packed up all my nice crystal vases in anticipation of moving and have never unpacked them so had no vase in which to put the flowers. I ended up using a one liter plastic soda bottle and the flowers still looked beautiful. Somehow I liked the flowers even more because they were in that makeshift vase. I became inspired to crochet and then felt a covering to go over the bottle so future flowers will look a little more classy. I enjoyed selecting a yarn from my stash and finding a pattern. Those flowers took me in many directions including getting me to sit down and take a few minutes out of the past few days to work on my vase.

It is hard not to be able to currently indulge in "little pretties" that I so much took for granted just a year ago. No more running to Bath and Body Works for a new Spring fragrance or "tossing" a bunch of flowers in the cart while I'm shopping for weekly groceries. Not having these expected luxuries made the unexpected flowers worth that much more. I want to promise myself that when things get better and stabilize financially, that I will always have a bunch of flowers on the table.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the man who gave me the flowers.
2. For simple gestures that result in huge payoffs.
3. For the gift of the flowers which ended up inspiring me, comforting me, giving me hope and becoming a beacon of beauty in a home where there is so much worry and uncertainty.

Out of bath tissue (t.p.)!!!

We have run out of bath tissue and still have to get to the end of the month before I can make grocery purchases. The roll I got from the food pantry last Thursday is long gone. Luckily, this morning I found a box of facial tissues that I'd purchased for one of the boys to take to school and felt grateful that we have something to use as a substitute. This is all so sad. My oldest was off from school today with a sore throat and as he looked around the kitchen for something to eat for lunch he said, "We are really cleaned out. It has never been this bad." Seriously, my refrigerator is empty and the cabinets are fast being depleted. We are having to use up all the stuff I bought that I shouldn't have - you know, items that appeared to be a great deal but upon getting home you realize that no one in the house really likes it and so the box of whatever sits in the pantry until NOW! Yeah! Part of me wants to feel grateful that there are still food items to eat but I'm not really looking forward to tonight's entree of canned chicken stew with biscuit topping.

I think the real problem is not having a choice. We are forced to eat the less desirable pantry items instead of being able to have something more appealing. There is no say in the matter and that adds to feeling worse/bitter about the circumstances.

I went back to the food pantry today to apply for emergency food stamps but was denied, I am assuming because our pension income is too high. (I'll get a letter of explanation in a few days.) So after paying the mortgage, we have about $300.00 left from the monthly pension. Even with the monthly spousal support check of $700.00 I receive from Husband #2, we are in the red and there is not enough left to afford food. My utilities are $500.00, credit card payments $400.00, cell phone charges $200.00, etc. I recently read that the average family spends $800.00 a month on food - I'd be happy to have half of that!

Today I am thankful:

1. That somehow we've almost made it through the worst month of winter and I do know that we'll survive these last few days.
2. That it is only four more days until February!
3. For just having made it through today - sometimes that is the most you can expect of yourself and that alone is enough.

The Food Pantry

After resisting as long as possible, I finally visited the local food pantry. The experience was of course humbling and trying. I had to wait for 45 minutes or so and passed the time helping a woman practice her crochet stitches. There were a number of other nice women I spoke with, all offering hints and the names of other pantries to a first timer like myself. I was the best dressed person there having decided I would wear work clothes to present a positive image about myself. I held it together fairly well until entering the warehouse type room where I would select my food. It was then that I burst into tears all the while thinking I would never have thought that things would come to this.

Here is a list of the items I received. All in all disappointing. Not much selection and the fresh fruit and vegetables were moldy. I actually felt nauseous, even for some hours after getting home (just the whole experience and the poor quality of food).

Bread items:
Family size box of low fat Triscuits; 14 oz. box Corn CHEX cereal; 32 oz. spaghetti; tuna noodle dinner mix (off brand - never heard of it); 7.25 oz. KRAFT mac & cheese; 16 oz. bag long grain white rice; frozen slices of garlic bread (looked like from a restuarant); loaf of Butternut honey wheat bread expiration 1/24; Trader Joe's wheat hot dog buns expiration 1/22); Trader Joe's uncut loaf of crusty bread expiraton not marked; Trader Joe's Everything bagels expiration 1/21; Voortman Chunky Chip Chocolate Chip Cookies expiration 10/24/08.

Canned Goods (unless noted all cans are off brands):
Large can orange juice; tuna in water; 1 can diet soda (yes only one can); 2 cans unsweetened applesauce (unsweetened doesn't go over too well in our house even with me); 2 cans Green Giant cut green beans; 1 can corn; can sliced pickled beets; 1 small can tomato sauce; can tomatoes for chili; jar turkey gravy; can of cream of chicken soup; can of vegetable soup; can of pure pumpkin; can peaches; can pears; grape jelly (you could take a jar of peanut butter or jelly but not both).

Produce:
1 apple (we were told to only take one); 3 bananas (again told I could have three); 1 bag carrots, 10 red potatoes.

Meat:
Trader Joe's salmi & cheese tray expiration 1/21; frozen package of turkey lunchmeat with 11/08 expiration.

Misc.
1 roll t.p.
2 peanut granola bars

You are allowed to visit this panty once a month. Obviously no one could live for a month on the items received today. In fact, except for the can of tuna and box of tuna noodle helper, there wasn't anything that would comprise an entire meal. No spaghetti sauce to go with the spaghetti, etc. Actually what is making me feel the most ill is the prospect of eating food I don't know where is from or how soon it was frozen. For this reason I am going to toss the garlic bread and the turkey lunchmeat. I served the cheese from the cheese tray tonight with crackers and soup figuring 1 day past expiration is o.k. for cheese but I would not serve the salami. It is bothering me to even let the boys eat the cookies from 10/08. It is just the thought that this is all old food that has been sitting around.

I figured up the approximate cost of these food items to be around $40.00 but some are things I never would have bought in the first place. I was disappointed there was no laundry soap or other cleaning items like paper towels which I really need.

I also went to a job fair today and registered at another job counseling agency. I was applying for a "part-time, part-time job" of just 10 hours a week with a rate of pay of $10.00 per hour and no benefits or insurance. This was an entry level position geared for students in social work and psychology. Yet I saw other middle-aged clinicians male and female with master's degrees applying just as I. A bit depressing. I overheard someone say that the market is saturated with clinicians of my level and there are just not enough jobs to go around. Then later I spoke with the real estate paralegal about information she needed as well as my divorce attorney at length about trying to negotiate a settlement prior to mediation, etc. After my day I was just exhausted and drained! Wanting to just go to bed and hide under the covers. And another deep freeze is moving in - oh joy!

Today I am thankful:
1. That until today I never had to visit a food pantry and I pray there will not be many more times.
2. That I will never again think negative thoughts about a person in front of me at the store using federal assistance to purchase food.
3. That my children look at this time as an adventure rather than as something shameful.

A trip to the store when you're poor

Yesterday, I ended up getting $260.00 back on my debit card and $40.00 in cash for returning nine clothing items at Talbot's (not recent purchases - purchased over the past two years when I had money to blow at an upscale woman's clothing store).

Today, I went to the grocery store for items to make dinner. I planned on a chicken chili because there is chicken in the freezer and I want to use some nice sourdough bread bowls purchased last week. If they are not used soon, they'll be too hard. So off to the grocery needing milk, vegetable cooking oil, onions, peppers, stewed tomatoes, cheese, sour cream and cat food. My total bill came to $22.88. I agonized in front of the canned tomatoes trying to find a better deal but the ones I needed were $1.99 a can (and I needed two). The same thing in front of the cooking oil. As it is, I usually buy the house brand. I couldn't believe that oil is around $6.00 a bottle but I got the cheapest and smallest size for $3.00. When did it go up in price?

What really got me about this shopping trip though was the feelings I was experiencing about wanting items and not being able to afford them. For some odd reason I saw a box of Hostess Ding Dongs and wanted them, although that is not typically something I would even consider buying for the boys. The fact that a box was on sale for $2.50 made it even more desirable. Then there were sugar cookies decorated with the face of President Elect Obama and I was tempted because they were so unique and cute. But at $3.99 a box I could not justify the purchase and I also was not sure I wanted to be eating the head of our new President (even before he is sworn in!). I just thought they'd be a fun treat for the boys.

When you're poor you can't afford those little extras we all seem to take for granted when the funds are plentiful. And not being able to afford such little treats makes me feel deprived and even worse about my situation - really not being able to to spend a mere $2.50. So that is just an observation about my situation and how quickly I have come to have feelings of deprivation.

Today I am thankful:

1. That the cold spell lifted and the sun is out. 22 degrees feels like spring!
2. That at least we'll have a good/filling dinner tonight.
3. That I have come out of my dark mood to a less hopeless mindset.

A better mood

The boys asked for some spending money today and it was terrible to tell them that I could not give them any. Then I rounded up a bagful of pennies and ran them over to the bank ending up with $18.74 so each boy got $9.00 for a movie out with friends. I was proud of my resourcefulness and that I did not have to disappoint them. Next time I might not be able to come up with a way to obtain a few dollars.

I was lucky to be taken out to dinner two nights in a row (yesterday and today). My dark mood has lifted somewhat - I was able to enjoy both dinners, what a treat! Driving home tonight we went past the two homes of my childhood and the memorial for my late husband. I was very moved to see all these places. They were a reminder of how far I have come and how much I have endured as well as inspiration that life does carry on. People move, grow up, survive tragedy.

Today I am thankful:

1. That even in the middle of hardship there can be pleasures like dinners out.
2. For the special people in my life who have stood by my side through this difficult time.
3. For the magic just one drink with dinner can accomplish.
4. For being able to look forward to tomorrow because it will involve time spent with someone dear.
5. For recognizing that time spent with someone just putting away holiday decorations can be better than any expensive dinner or receiving flowers!

More thoughts on hair cuts

As I admired my great looking hair today, (I may be poor but at least my hair looks good), I thought about how this subject relates to so much more in life, specifically in regard to poverty. Although I was trying to be conscientious by not getting my hair cut to save money, this tactic was actually detrimental. Having straggly hair meant I was having to use more product to style it as well as more time to do so. I also wasn't getting that lift you feel when you look in the mirror and know that you're looking good. This same principal can be applied elsewhere. When you're scrimping for funds there is nothing left over to keep up the house and by the time repairs can be made they end up being more costly and difficult. Not being able to replace clothing means having to mend them (which takes time) as well as looking shabbier. I put off going to the doctor for my routine checkup and I am thankful that there were no problems because if there had been it would have been worse because of the time I had waited. The same could be said for car maintenance. I'm not sure what the solution is because when you don't have money you don't have money. Maybe it is just to be aware that sometimes you have to spend money to save money and to not feel guilty for getting a hair cut or buying one of the boys a new pair of jeans because you are sick of mending them!

Today I am thankful:

1. That my boys and I are healthy.
2. That my van with 96,000 miles is still running pretty decently.
3. That I have a number of very close, dear girlfriends who have supported me during my dark times and been there for me when no one else was.