Black Thursday

This year some stores will be open on Thanksgiving. What in the world needs to be purchased at Michael's craft store that couldn't wait until Black Friday? Really, someone is going to leave their family and the holiday celebration to go out to a Michael's? And what about the employees who have to work that shift?

I see the madness of consumerism and get depressed. It is hard to be an observer when you can't be a participant. I watch the t.v. commercials and everyone in them is smiling and happy. Now I know that they are actors in commercials but a part of me starts feeling bad because I don't look like these happy moms in the commercials gearing up to hit the Target 2-day sale.

Now what would really inspire me and actually make me happy would be a realistic portrayal of a real single/only mom worried about getting her kids a few Christmas gifts and how to pay the electric bill at the same time. It would portray a normal looking woman hunched over a kitchen table flipping through her pile of bills and looking forlornly at her checkbook...

Oh, and can there please be a ban on those Lexus commercials where people actually get a $50,000 vehicle for their Christmas gift! I know I should just laugh at the ridiculousness of these ads but they still make me sad...

Ode to a Purse

After three years of making due with whatever has already been in my closet, I ended that period of deprivation with a purchase of a much needed purse today. A $12.00 purse from Family Dollar, no less. But I have wanted it since seeing it in the fall. And it is making me very pleased and happy. I love the plum color as I usually carry green bags. Purple/amethyst is supposed to represent plenty and financial prosperity and I can use all the good luck now whether superstition or not.

And that brings me to having to say goodbye to my present bag. I was lucky to find it in the closet this spring, still with its tag on, a BOGO from Payless some years ago. I ended up loving this bag - the bright green color that cheered me, the large size big enough to carry a paperback, knitting project and small lunch if need be. So although I usually change my bag in fall to one in an autumn color, this year partly because lack of funds and because I loved the bag so much, I just kept using it. And still kept using it up until now when I like to change bags to fit the winter season - a more muted color tone.

I hate to say goodbye to this purse that I would probably have never even used if I hadn't had to go digging for one since I couldn't afford a new one last spring. It is showing signs of wear and I think when items become shabby it is time to retire them. This bag will go down as one of my all time favorites. It served me well and gave me a lot of enjoyment every time I carried it and even looked at it.

I am not into designer handbags but a few years ago did fall in love with an orange leather satchel from Talbots that was almost $200.00. I thought about waiting to purchase it when it went on sale but never got around to it. Funny, how an inexpensive item can bring so much enjoyment and be practical and useful at the same time. This $20.00 bag from Payless I am sure ended up bringing me even greater pleasure than that over priced Talbot's bag.

I like my new plum bag too even though it is not leather - like that it is from Family Dollar and only $12.00. I don't think I'll end up "loving" it but it is nice to have a new bag and to retire one that has served its purpose but is now past its time.

I have come to appreciate the deals found at stores like Family Dollar. I have a new bag that didn't break the bank, looks good and pleases me because I've treated myself to something new, as well as needed.

Goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to things we love and let new things in even if they are unfamiliar and different.

Christmas Shopping

Yesterday my youngest asked to be taken out to purchase a gift for his girlfriend (they've been friends awhile but going out for just about a month). He wanted to get her some kind of jewelry with the $11.00 he had as well as a fleece scarf from Old Navy. The scarves were advertised for only a dollar and we got to the store about three hours after they sold out. It was my fault we got there too late - when you have teen boys sometimes everything that goes wrong becomes mom's fault. So then we hit Walmart. They had some earring and necklace sets for $5.00 but my son preferred the ones a little higher in quality. Those were necklaces ranging from $9.00 - $12.00. He wasn't keen on a heart but eventually was convinced by my assurances that keys were big this year, judging from the ones I've seen in catalogs. So he went with the necklace in the middle of the photo because it was sterling vs. stainless steel and I had to kick in an extra two dollars.

I've been pretty good thus far this year not getting envious or upset when I see the jewelry commercials on t.v., particularly the ones with husbands buying their wives Christmas gifts. I will say though that I started to covet a Pandora charm bracelet after seeing the commercial with the three daughters saying over and over, "Did Dad go to Jared? Oh yeah, he went to Jared," they affirm as the mom oozes over her Pandora bracelet.

Some days I feel so naked. I don't wear any jewelry anymore, having sold it all or pawned it for pawn shop loans. I have a few pieces on loan that I pay a small amount for every month until I can afford to pick them up. These include one of my wedding/engagement rings sets from my first marriage and the wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond from my second marriage. It was custom designed by me and I figure one day I can replace the diamond with perhaps a less expensive gem stone. I have a couple other nice diamond and gold rings I'd wear on my right hand. Nothing extravagant. Just nicer than costume jewelry and pretty.

I miss having jewelry to wear. I enjoyed it and it was fun to express myself that way. I preferred rings most of all. I think that when life improves, I'm going to celebrate and treat myself to a custom ring. Something not expensive but meaningful. I want it to symbolize survival, strength and growth. I saw a woman recently with such a ring, I think just crafted out of sterling. I noticed it at some school event and commented on it and she told me how she had had it made for herself. This might be an idea for someone to launch onto: "Survival Jewelry" to symbolize triumph over life's adversities.

Seeing the inexpensive costume jewelry at Walmart made me wish for a little necklace or a new pair of earrings. I always lose my earrings and am down to one pair. At the holiday concert the other week I spied a woman with a quilted Vera Bradley bag and yes, I drooled. I am not into shoes but boy I do appreciate a nice purse and Vera bags are so colorful and fun. I've been wanting one for three years! It's okay to want nice and pretty things. A Vera bag wouldn't break the bank at about $50.00.

Anyway, I've done pretty well as I said before avoiding not feeling bad because I can't afford anything past essentials right now. I stay out of stores on purpose if at all I can avoid going into them. But seeing all the people at Old Navy and Walmart buying gifts did jolt me out of my self-imposed blinders and it surprised me how quickly I wanted to indulge in a small treat for myself.

I love vintage jewelry and always thought that if I ever remarry I'd ask my spouse for an old pin on gift giving occasions instead of other more expensive options. Vintage pins run about $10.00 - $20.00 and are so fun, with such variety for every season.

I don't have expensive tastes and boy have they become even less expensive in recent years. But I also want to be real and admit that I'm tired of pinching pennies and a few extra dollars to have for discretionary spending would be nice. I don't want to be so poor anymore.

Survival Mode Update

On Monday, I went to two food pantries in the area and was able to stock up on enough provisions to get us through to "payday." It was a "good day" at the food banks. Some days are better than others and there isn't enough food to pass out. They urged me to take as much as the day old bread they had and there was a package of honey wheat bagels, strawberry pastry puffs and chocolate muffins besides. I was thrilled with the three pound chub of ground turkey I got because that alone would have gotten us through the week.

What I was most thankful for was that I actually got a package of shredded cheddar cheese - usually fresh goods aren't available. Also, I was given two gift cards for $10.00 each for a local food store that has a gas station. That means my son will have enough gas to drive to his volleyball tournament this weekend.

I was so grateful - so far everything was being covered except some extra money needed for gas for my car and for some fresh items from the grocery store - milk, margarine, etc. Last night, in going through old papers from the storage shed I came across an unused gift card from Target with a $20.00 balance. So today I will get the needed milk. Still need to come up with about $5.00 for gas for me. And I need the money to do laundry. I've taken to making due with whatever is clean in my closet - I'm no longer dressing for fashion and doing the laundry for the boys since they get so dirty playing sports.

I broke down and called my girlfriend and just left a message asking her if I could do a few loads at her home in the next two days. I hate asking for anything but at this point don't seem to have a choice. And I do feel better asking her for a service favor rather than money.

I remain hopeful that a few dollars will pop up so I can put some gas in my little sedan. So far we are limping along. But it is difficult and takes a lot out of me emotionally. To live on the edge like this is a stressful challenge. I'll provide another update later in the week and if you want to see an account of what I received at the food pantries, I will be listing that at my other blog: Plunged Into Poverty. For now, I'm trying to somewhat keep my grief and life of reduced circumstances separate in my blogs, even though there is some overlapping among the two situations.

Discount Shoes and Discounted Groceries

Yesterday was pay day - both with the pension check and my pay from the nursing home. My youngest asked for a new pair of shoes for the summer. He had seen a pair of canvas slip-ons for $20.00 at Payless when he was out with friends. I took him there after school. They had a buy-one-get-one-half-off sale and I suggested he also pick out a pair of sandals and he did (cost us another $10.00).

I felt so sad and yet strangely happy at the same time during the shoe store excursion. Sad that my son is only getting a $20.00 pair of shoes, from a discount shoe store no less. But then happy that he was so grateful and pleased with the shoes and that he got a bonus pair besides.

After our shopping (which with boys is pretty much in and out quickly), I dropped him off and went to the store for something for dinner. My oldest complained when I told him we were having turkey hot dogs. He said he'd eaten hot dogs all weekend, whenever he'd gone to one of his friend's houses - all the dads were grilling!

So, I hit the store I frequent to see if there was anything on sale that I could prepare as an alternative. As I've mentioned in other posts, this store sells meat and dairy products for half price when they are at the expiration code. Yesterday, they had some gourmet skillet meals (chicken and pasta) for just $3.00 and I picked up two for the boys because they looked especially hungry. They were excited having just gotten their practice football equipment for summer camp.

I came home and made the pasta along with bagged salad (99 cents from ALDI) and while I was cooking gave the boys French bread with artichoke/cheese spread. It was such a nice meal and I felt proud of myself for being able to feed the boys until they were full and do it on such a limited budget.

The boys wanted to watch "America's Got Talent," which we have never followed. While they were watching I served them strawberry shortcake, the ingredients I'd picked up to have over the holiday weekend. But I never made it because the boys were never home - busy with friends, marching in the parade, plus I worked this weekend. Just seeing the boys scarf down their meals with appreciation meant a lot to me. To give them a little extra with the bread and spread, to have dessert.

I felt good as a mom - that despite the financial hardships, there are glimmers of hope in a new pair of inexpensive shoes and a filling meal. I don't often feel this way, like I'm doing an adequate job since we always seem so lacking. But I did feel a sense of pride in my abilities to stretch out a dollar and again am reminded of how in the end, happiness doesn't come from the amount that is spent. I was able to provide for the boys beyond the mere basics - stomachs and hearts were content as we watched t.v. together as a family.

Basic Needs & Survival

One of the basic principles from Psych. 101 usually includes Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. His theory in brief is that humans require certain needs met to grow, develop and evolve into their full potentials. The first basic tier of his pyramid includes physical needs such as safety, food, shelter, stability, protection (HEALTH INSURANCE), etc. If those basic needs aren't met a person can't move up to the next level of emotional needs. Those needs include our desire for love, connection, appreciation, community, etc. Until those needs are likewise met it is not possible for a person to achieve fulfillment with the next levels which include doing productive work, enjoying life, finding value in the balance of work and play. BOTTOM LINE - without feeling safe and secure it is pretty hard to enjoy life, find meaning in it or be able to work productively. This is because you are so consumed with survival - nothing is left over for the rest, including love.

I am thinking this as I contemplate the future of my life. I certainly am currently caught up in survival mode and I feel like I am sinking without someone next to me giving me a hand. I have tried to remain cheerful, optimistic and hopeful as I struggle with providing for my family. And I'm just not making it. I don't get enough hours at the big box store so I am starting a short-term program to become a Certified Nursing Assistant. But until I can get a new job there is not enough money to afford health/life/car insurance, pay the rent, bills, gas, clothes and still have enough for food. I'm not making it, cutting it, or surviving. And maybe according to Maslow's theory it is impossible for me to even think or consider such basic desires as happiness, joy and love while I'm struggling.

In the meantime I am stressed beyond the point of breaking. I am not as accessible to my sons because of it, as well as my depression, anxiety and worry. There is limited support to rely on and I am being crushed under the weight of this load I keep carrying by myself. We all deserve better. I'm not asking for a lot. Just the constant burden of worrying about our basic needs to be alleviated a bit. Then to feel a little bit of happiness and joy. To be able to watch a movie or video. To cook a meal with fresh meat and produce. To not wake up in dread and go to bed with that knot in my stomach. To feel a bit of hope and sanity.

Small Graces

The cake decorated like a monster was the first one chosen at yesterday's Cross Country "Cake Run." So what does that signify?

1. I know how to pick a nice cake.
2. My son had a nice cake to give away (he didn't have to be embarrassed).
3. My efforts at getting the cake show that I care for my son and want him to have positive experiences.
4. We still have the means to be able to afford a non-essential extra like this.
5. It is possible to not have to bake your own items for these kinds of things. I gave up the guilt over that soon after my husband died.
6. It is sometimes the little things that matter most. Getting the game system the boys want is important and I wish I could afford to get it right now. But little feats add up and count too.
7. That a cake can save the day!
8. That even in the middle of adversity, little things like cakes and "Cake Runs" are important. You can't cut out all extras.

I want to believe that it is the small graces that end up meaning the most of all.

Crashing

I am finding a pattern to my life. When I am able to be preoccupied with a task or situation, like getting the boys through Homecoming Week, I can manage pretty decently. I feel on-task, focused and together - and that I am working toward and achieving a goal. But after the event is over, I kind of crash and become depressed and unfocused. I feel overwhelmed and listless. I have a hard time motivating myself and getting going again.

The boys have also seemed to crash. They are irritable and on me - picking at me, demanding a new computer game system (that we can hardly afford after plopping down approximately $350.00 for Homecoming). I know they are frustrated and upset with our situation. They need new clothes/shoes and have gone without so many things over the past couple years.

So there is a bit of tension in our household and I am at the breaking point of being able to keep it together. If ever there was a need to take an escape weekend or even night off, it would be now for me. But I can't justify the cost of anything extra right now - I just don't have it.

I think part of this may be in the fact that I am experiencing deep feeling of loss related to selling and moving from the house. Somehow tied into that too, are feelings of tremendous pain around my divorce. I wish more than anything that I could turn off thinking about Husband #2 but I have not been able to do that yet. Those feelings involve some of the lowest of low - rejection, abandonment and disrespect. The combination of those along with moving from my home are like a double whammy for me.

The apartment is still not organized and put together. Unpacked boxes remain and I need to move some furniture into storage because it is too cramped. I am utterly unsure of where/how to start consolidating my three storage sheds. They are so packed there is no way to work within them so I will have to take everything out and repack everything, I suppose. But right now that seems too much for me to handle/accomplish on my own.

Do you want to know what I really want to do? I just want to lie in bed with the covers over me. I want to tune out the world and everything I have to do and say, "Too bad, forget it all." I seem more mentally drawn and drained than physically. But I just want to hang it all up and escape somewhere, somehow. Only there is no real place to go.

I have to work an endless 8-hour shift at the big box store tomorrow, I swear, after these shifts I am so exhausted I am ready to collapse with a migraine besides. But I am off Wed., Thur. and Fri. and I suppose I will have to get up and not go back to sleep when the boys leave. And I will have to face the storage sheds and open one and just start taking the boxes and stuff out. And then I will have to do my best to put it all back in stacking everything as high as possible and hopefully will be able to empty one into the other. And then I'll just have to start on the next...

A depressing start to Spring Break

It is Spring Break and everyone is a bit down here. After a whirl wind of social activity last weekend and this week (real estate appt., therapy appt., band concert), I stayed home the entire weekend. As hard as it is for me to get out, when I do, it does help me disconnect from the difficulties going on at home. On my plate currently: the foreclosure, upcoming job interview on Thursday and of most distress, not knowing when the divorce settlement check will be coming which I need to pay my taxes and figure out what to do with the house. I am still married at this point and my husband's attorney was supposed to have overnighted the check to my attorney last Thursday (a week ago). That was never done, nor did he provide my attorney with an explanation. It is distressing that no one seems to be concerned that we have no money for food (pension check gets deposited on the first). I had to borrow $50.00 from a friend but that went so quickly it was almost like we never received it.

It is tremendously hard not to be able to give your teens a couple bucks when they go out. At least I can turn to a book or my knitting for comfort. Last night we had the following for dinner:

Frozen fish fillets from the dollar store - $2.00
Canned green beans .49
Boxed scalloped potatoes 1.29
Corn muffins from box mix .39
Soda 1.60
Total 5.77

My oldest made a comment about there not being "good" food in the house and while I agreed with him, I also remarked that no one has starved. Yes, we've eaten a bit more peanut butter and jelly and gone without treats but no one has really been hungry. Still, it is hard to be so limited in what we can and can't do. And eating is such a basic part of our lives that we take so much for granted - until it becomes a challenge to afford groceries.

My oldest is now griping that we can't afford a cell phone charger - the boys' charger is broken. I just had to tell him that I only have $2.00 and a charger is $30.00. I'm surprised that we still have cell phone service anyway since I'm late on the bill. I'm expecting them to cut off service any day and won't be able to restore it until Wednesday.

Life is clearly challenging right now but I'm trying hard to remain calm. For me, the greatest hardship is having to face such an uncertain future. I don't know where we'll end up living; I don't know where I'll be working. I long for stability and peace of mind - solely lacking in my life since my husband died. The divorce and utter disregard (meanness) of my second husband put me in a total tailspin which I'm just now climbing out of.

I need help and guidance in getting through this dark period of my life. I really don't know what to do or which path to take. The only thing I have been able to do is get up every morning and face the day. I'm having trouble getting financial and legal advice about bankruptcy and foreclosure even though I have three attorneys working with me right now - divorce, real estate and bankruptcy. Everyone is just going along in a holding pattern and I need to have some finalization in order to feel like I can move on with my life - starting with having this divorce finalized! Not knowing why it is being dragged out is yet another torment for me - is it possible my husband wants me to experience even more pain and unrest?

Today I am grateful:

1. That no one has gone hungry this month, which has been the most challenging for us financially.
2. That I still have cell phone service.
3. That I haven't lost my mind yet or started drinking heavily.

Out of bath tissue (t.p.)!!!

We have run out of bath tissue and still have to get to the end of the month before I can make grocery purchases. The roll I got from the food pantry last Thursday is long gone. Luckily, this morning I found a box of facial tissues that I'd purchased for one of the boys to take to school and felt grateful that we have something to use as a substitute. This is all so sad. My oldest was off from school today with a sore throat and as he looked around the kitchen for something to eat for lunch he said, "We are really cleaned out. It has never been this bad." Seriously, my refrigerator is empty and the cabinets are fast being depleted. We are having to use up all the stuff I bought that I shouldn't have - you know, items that appeared to be a great deal but upon getting home you realize that no one in the house really likes it and so the box of whatever sits in the pantry until NOW! Yeah! Part of me wants to feel grateful that there are still food items to eat but I'm not really looking forward to tonight's entree of canned chicken stew with biscuit topping.

I think the real problem is not having a choice. We are forced to eat the less desirable pantry items instead of being able to have something more appealing. There is no say in the matter and that adds to feeling worse/bitter about the circumstances.

I went back to the food pantry today to apply for emergency food stamps but was denied, I am assuming because our pension income is too high. (I'll get a letter of explanation in a few days.) So after paying the mortgage, we have about $300.00 left from the monthly pension. Even with the monthly spousal support check of $700.00 I receive from Husband #2, we are in the red and there is not enough left to afford food. My utilities are $500.00, credit card payments $400.00, cell phone charges $200.00, etc. I recently read that the average family spends $800.00 a month on food - I'd be happy to have half of that!

Today I am thankful:

1. That somehow we've almost made it through the worst month of winter and I do know that we'll survive these last few days.
2. That it is only four more days until February!
3. For just having made it through today - sometimes that is the most you can expect of yourself and that alone is enough.

A trip to the store when you're poor

Yesterday, I ended up getting $260.00 back on my debit card and $40.00 in cash for returning nine clothing items at Talbot's (not recent purchases - purchased over the past two years when I had money to blow at an upscale woman's clothing store).

Today, I went to the grocery store for items to make dinner. I planned on a chicken chili because there is chicken in the freezer and I want to use some nice sourdough bread bowls purchased last week. If they are not used soon, they'll be too hard. So off to the grocery needing milk, vegetable cooking oil, onions, peppers, stewed tomatoes, cheese, sour cream and cat food. My total bill came to $22.88. I agonized in front of the canned tomatoes trying to find a better deal but the ones I needed were $1.99 a can (and I needed two). The same thing in front of the cooking oil. As it is, I usually buy the house brand. I couldn't believe that oil is around $6.00 a bottle but I got the cheapest and smallest size for $3.00. When did it go up in price?

What really got me about this shopping trip though was the feelings I was experiencing about wanting items and not being able to afford them. For some odd reason I saw a box of Hostess Ding Dongs and wanted them, although that is not typically something I would even consider buying for the boys. The fact that a box was on sale for $2.50 made it even more desirable. Then there were sugar cookies decorated with the face of President Elect Obama and I was tempted because they were so unique and cute. But at $3.99 a box I could not justify the purchase and I also was not sure I wanted to be eating the head of our new President (even before he is sworn in!). I just thought they'd be a fun treat for the boys.

When you're poor you can't afford those little extras we all seem to take for granted when the funds are plentiful. And not being able to afford such little treats makes me feel deprived and even worse about my situation - really not being able to to spend a mere $2.50. So that is just an observation about my situation and how quickly I have come to have feelings of deprivation.

Today I am thankful:

1. That the cold spell lifted and the sun is out. 22 degrees feels like spring!
2. That at least we'll have a good/filling dinner tonight.
3. That I have come out of my dark mood to a less hopeless mindset.