Throwing in the Towel

Sometimes you have to just throw in the towel. I am thinking of the resolutions I had at the start of the year. I remember they seemed so simple and easy to achieve - to try and keep the sink clear of dirty dishes, to go through, organize and recycle my large stash of old magazines, to get through my backlogged unread emails now numbering in the 1000s.

Well, I gave it a good attempt, I really did. I tried doing dishes at night but was too tired. Then started to do them in the morning. Only then life sped up with show choir and college applications and the dishes started piling up again.

In January I made a huge effort at deleting all my old emails and within a weekend had gotten rid of 1000. But then the same old same old - no time for the computer unless to research or blog.

As for the magazines, my efforts there lasted about a day or two.

So in making the decision to throw in the towel, I have been using paper plates and cups which can at least be recycled. Last week during one of my numerous pharmacy runs to Walmart I found plastic storage containers that look like actual woven baskets and purchased enough for the bookshelf holding the magazines and now they are all in hiding and the shelf looks so much more neat and tidy.

As for the emails, well I'll try and see if I can devote some more time to that since the taxes and college financial aid apps are now completed. I know I have the option of just doing a massive delete job instead of going through them and maybe I should throw in the towel there too!

Bear Scout Oath

I have joined the blogging A to Z challenge where each day you compose a post starting with the letters of the alphabet and today's is "B." This continues through the month of April with Sundays off. I thought it would be a fun thing to do. But back to the bears.

In an effort to pare down my life, I've been selling or giving away a lot of my books. The ones from the boys when they were younger has been kind of hard. They aren't readers but that didn't stop me from filling the book shelves with Scholastic paperbacks, picture books of dinosaurs, animals, the human body, as well as sport figure autobiographies. So many of these books were untouched. At the time they were purchased my husband was ill and there wasn't much time for reading before bed.

So now as I empty the shelves (or try to), I read these books before going to the used book store to sell them. I suppose this is a weird grief reaction but I cannot let them go to waste. It is almost some kind of defiant statement by me saying I won't let the three years of my husband's fatal illness end up robbing me of the books I was supposed to read to the boys. Even though now I'm reading them myself.

But you can learn a lot from books for the younger set. I especially enjoyed The Hardy Boys series because it was dated and brought me a sense of nostalgia. Did you know that the series started being written way back in the 1930s? Mrs. Hardy always makes a chocolate cake for the boys to eat at lunch - that is a hoot!

"The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring," sets out The Bear Scout Oath which is as follows:

"A Bear Scout...

1. Is as honest as the day is long.
2. Admits when he or she is wrong.
3. Respects the creatures of creation.
4. Views TV in moderation.
5. Is never cruel, rude, or mean.
6. Plays the game fair and clean.
7. Does his best at school [life].
8. Following the golden rule, always respects the rights of others, including even sisters' and brothers'."

As I read this oath, I figured it was pretty applicable to me now as an adult - really for all of us. If we all made an effort to follow these guidelines, a lot of the conflict we feel, cause and participate in wouldn't exist.

Simplicity

Continue to struggle big time with all of the unbalance in my life. Maybe it stems from being the start of Spring and our desire to clean up house, new beginnings and fresh starts.

Widows carry a lot of stuff on their shoulders. I think about the fact that I have a senior in high school with another senior next year. That's a lot right there not to mention dealing with the finances, upkeep of home, meals, shopping, laundry, etc. I manage the lives of two adolescent males. I still have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and then take the steps to get there. There is a career change in the works. I am still unsettled from the move from house to apartment and the grief/sadness/loss from the death of husband #1 and divorce from husband #2 sometimes reappear.

Perhaps when we are at our most busy and overwhelmed with so many life changes we need to scale back and keep life as simple as possible. I was reminded of this with my daily email from author Lissa Coffey through CoffeyTalk.com. The other day she spoke about the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read the book years ago.

Basically, the book sets out four principles to help us lead better lives through The Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I went to my bookshelves and after a bit of a search (the books are still somewhat disorganized from the move), located this little volume. It seems a good book to take out and reread right now.

Funny, in her weekly email from the knit club leader, she also wrote about feeling highly unbalanced as of late. I sent her an email copying in Lissa Coffey's message and suspecting she had already read The Fourth Agreement, which she had. She emailed back that now there is a book about The Fifth Agreement, which she just bought, and I am curious about checking that out after I reread about the four agreements again.

As I struggle with major life changes wrecking havoc on my soul, the knit club leader related her current struggles with angst. She is struggling with what books to read next and about taking her next classes in The Library Assistant Program. Her two kids are out of college and grown. She has a hubby. Hmmmmm... I need to put a lid on my hmmmm and remember to not make any assumptions!

3 x 10 = 30

I am making the effort to try and stay focused and more positive this month, now that my gloomy month of annual anniversaries has passed. Although today is the anniversary of my husband's funeral and the 7th was his memorial service.

1. I need to be more proactive in finding some kind of new job. I've been out there pounding the pavement but nothing has come through. I'll take a store sales job just to bring in some extra funds for the holidays right now.

2. I am still dealing or trying to deal with the aftermath of moving and all the storage shed crap. So many boxes, bags, totes and baskets of stuff to go through. Recipe for disaster - moving from large five bedroom home into small two bedroom apartment. On the bright side, I figure I am doing what would need to be done when moving into a retirement home, so I am accomplishing all of this a few years ahead of time and saving my sons the aggravation besides of having to face it!

So on that note I am trying to give/donate 10 things a day away this month. And throw away/recycle 10 things as well. And to get through 10 of my craft magazines daily since they seem to take over the bookshelves. I'd like to tear out any patterns that inspire me and file them, then pass on the other patterns to others who may use them.

10 x 3 = 30. 30 x 7 = 210. 210 x 4 -= 840. Wouldn't that be great to have reduced my "stuff" by that number by the end of the month! What a gift to start Christmas with and the new year/new life!

3. I'd like to knit/crochet some Christmas ornaments so the boys and I can decorate a small tree this year. And to keep costs down I'd like to occupy my hands by creating my own decorations. We'll see how that goes. I need to come up with some kind of theme and so far nothing is hitting me. Snowflakes with blue baubles? Birds and hearts? Felted apples? Old-fashioned toys? Whatever it ends up being it'll need to be quick and easy and I need to be able to use whatever stash yarn I have on hand. Maybe something really different like a hot pink themed tree? It would also be fun to make an ornament a day from now through the end of the month in between my searching to throw stuff away. Ha, ha!

Well, we'll see how these goals go. They are what I'm aiming for. If a day goes by where I don't reach quota I won't knock myself. Any progress in these areas is progress.

The Time Is Now

I've been way guilty of saving a lot of objects in my life for later. Like all the creams and lotions that come with the perfume gift sets I get at the holidays or for Mother's Day. And I have tons of candles that have remained unburned. They are so pretty and smell so nice I don't know why I have never lit them. Also, various makeup items, fancy soaps, stationery, note cards, bottles of wine, clothing, bound journals - I can probably think of more things but I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Having to move from the house to the apartment resulted in me clearing out various drawers and shelves and all of this stuff became unhidden. The other day I came across a large bag of soap dishes, hand cream tubes and cute soaps in the shape of snowflakes. I had purchased them a few years back to have on hand to give as holiday and teacher gifts. It really bothered me to see them again as they were long forgotten. For one thing they are not being used and they are taking up valuable and needed space.

I knitted two adorable dish cloths in a multi-colored blue cotton yarn to add to the bath items and I gave two sets away. One to the boys' school counselor for all her help in getting the boys back on track after their move and return. The other to my Nursing Assistant instructor because I really liked her and we developed a bit of friendship between us in the five weeks I took the class. I plan on knitting up three more dish cloths. They are round and in the shape of flowers - just adorable. Each takes about two hours for me to knit but I do so during my downtime while watching t.v. - that is why it probably takes two hours because I have to keep track of rows, so I wait til the commercials. Anyway, I want to give away two bath sets to the moms of my sons' friends whom they often stay over with and as a housewarming to my girlfriend who sold her home and moved into a townhouse. I will keep and use one set for myself.

That big bag is just looking at me with an evil eye. I don't want any bags like this in my life anymore. Things need to be used and appreciated - not stored away for a rainy day in the future. I have started to use up my supply of lotions and creams and am finding that the five minutes I devote to myself in the morning to do so is a way cheap but well worth it luxury. I smell great all day and my dry winter skin is smooth. I am lighting candles during the day while I work on the computer and then again at night when the boys and I eat dinner and then they do homework. The candles glowing have taken away some of the gloom of winter.

I have also started work on cleaning and clearing out storage shed #2 of the original 3 - currently there are just 2. I am going to ruthless in what I decide to keep and discard. There are about 10 small boxes of my beloved grandmother's china that my mom gave me some years before she died. She knew I would appreciate the design because it is made up of orange flowers and orange is one of my favorite colors. I am strongly considering getting the boxes out of storage and displaying them in someway or just using them. Why not? What good are they doing sitting in storage? So what if one piece out of the eight piece set breaks? Isn't it better to use what we love and enjoy it fully?

I got this image of my boys having to clear out my clutter and knew without a doubt that all the lotions, creams and candles would wind up in a dumpster somewhere. So I am going to be non-frugal with what I already own and have. I'm going to use it up with no worries about waste or running out. I am going to appreciate the little luxuries I already have. I am experiencing an unexpected surge of pleasure whenever a candle burns down and I have to replace it and I use up a tube of the nice body lotion.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of the excess in my life because it does represent a life of plenty even now during hard times.
2. For the spring catalogs appearing in the mail. I get inspired at looking at pretty things even not being able to afford them right now. And I get decorating and craft ideas for free too!
3. For all the free craft patterns I can access via the internet.
4. For warm, cozy and soft gloves.
5. For the scent of Johnson's Baby Lotion. I am using a cream that smells like this right now and it is very soothing.
3.

Coming Up Out Of The Cave

When you are in the depths of grief it is very hard to do much more of anything but grieve. At least that has been my personal experience. I am coming out of the cave I have been in as I've tried to deal with the loss of my home. It has not been unlike the grief I had to travel with when my husband and Mom died and then going through the divorce.

The pain and intensity sometimes doesn't hit you until well after the fact. I was so busy cleaning the house and had to concentrate on selling it over the summer. Then there was having to find an apartment, the actual sale, closing and then physical move of my possessions, which turned out to be far more difficult than I'd anticipated. Doing all of these things on my own was another challenge.

I'm not looking for a pity party here - just stating facts. The move ended up being physically and emotionally draining for me and it wasn't until the dust had settled that I could comprehend how much. No doubt, that was some of the reason the idea of having to relocate with Sam to another state just ended up not being feasible right now.

I think that there was much grieving this holiday season about the loss of the house. It was there underneath everything without really being acknowledged. I was terribly depressed. Having to move was the icing on the cake, topping so many losses before it. It was another huge goodbye made even more difficult because the previous ones had depleted and weakened my soul and spirit. It has involved another identity change - from wife to widow to wife to divorcee; from homeowner to renter.

But I have started to take stock again as we all must at some point. A new year and all that comes into play too. When we are grieving people can point their fingers all they want with advice and solutions. But until we are ready, willing and able we won't be able to climb up out of the cave. The same thing goes for our own advice. At some level we all know what we should be doing to cope and function better. But again, until we are able to act accordingly we won't be able to do so. When our grief is that intense we need to stand strong and tall and make no apologies to anyone. Our job is to tend to the grief, pure and simple.

Whether enough time has passed or not, I'm not sure. I just have reached the point for me where I need to move past such active and intense grief. I am focusing on mindfulness, attentiveness, order and reframing.

Mindfulness/Attentiveness - I just need to be more aware of my surroundings and interactions with life and others. I need to be more of an active participant and less of a passive observer.

Order - I have always found and believed that when life is most chaotic, as long as we can exert some bit of control, we will be the better for it. I think that we need to feel we have some control over our destinies, especially when our lives seem particularly out of balance.

Reframing - I need to remember that it is not always what it appears and that there are more options.

This week I made an effort to get a bit organized to start the year out on a good foot. I changed purses, cleaned out my wallet and balanced my checkbook. I felt better just knowing that my purse was tidy. After grocery shopping, I reviewed the receipts for accuracy noticing one had incorrectly run up a purchase. The next day I returned to the store and received a $3.50 refund. I went to the dollar store needing to pick up some baking pans as mine are "lost" from the recent move. I am trying to make do with some cheap replacements knowing I already own decent bake ware, pots and pans. The pans were not marked but the sign underneath said all items not tagged cost $1.00. When I was at the cashier I nicely complained when they charged me $3.00 and was given the pans for $1.00.

At the bookstore I noticed a woman my age sipping a Venti Starbuck's while reading leisurely. My immediate reaction was to feel resentful and bitter. Why does she get to loll away the morning at a bookstore? Why can't I do that? Why is my life so harder...? But then I got off my high horse to reframe. Maybe this was a busy woman just like me and she had planned for this morning and then implemented it. Who says I can't do the same thing in the future? Plan a morning off where I sit and read at Border's. And then someone gazing at me might even have the same reaction as I first did - that I am a privileged, suburban mom with excess time on my hands!

I rented the small storage locker available in our laundry room and moved out the still unpacked boxes from the apartment. Enough is enough. I'll try and get through as many as I can (and the boys can help too) as quickly as I can but in the meantime, all of us deserve to live in an uncluttered and welcoming environment. At the same time, I am going through everything and donating whatever we no longer use or have use for. Eventually I will have to face the real job of emptying out the storage sheds.

These are small attempts I know but are helping me feel as though I am back in the game of life and doing more than just letting it run past me. In addition, I am trying to observe other strategies that work for me such as reading before bed, watching a half-hour of "The Office" everyday because it makes me laugh and devoting 15 minutes to my knitting hobby. I have forced myself to get up early and not hunker back down under the covers because it is winter, cold and I am depressed.

All in all, some progress.

Today I am grateful for:

1. "The Office."
2. Grapefruit in season.
3. Having too many possessions, hence the need for storage backup in the first place.
4. The winter sun making an appearance.
5. Crock pots.

Clean Sweep

A few years ago, I watched a British television series called "Clean Sweep" about organizing your home and de-cluttering. A team went into people's homes and pretty much cleared out the excess which was put into this machine called "the Crusher!" There was always a garage sale (in Britain they call them car boot sales) too. I really didn't like the show for a couple of reasons. I remember one episode where the team made a poor guy clear out his beloved childhood collection of Beatrix Potter figures. The guy was allowed to keep a few of his figures and was just crying. For Pete's sake, I thought, let him have his collection which was nicely displayed in a cabinet!

Then I remember an episode where an older middle-aged woman had lost her husband five years before. She had a boyfriend and they were living together or moving in together or something like that. The team just blasted this poor woman for not having cleaned up the clutter in her life (including all that remained from her deceased husband). I remember the woman gave the explanation that life had just moved on too quickly after her husband died and she hadn't been able to keep up. I think my husband had been dead a few years and I totally understood this woman's predicament. Too bad the Clean Sweep crew wasn't more sympathetic or understanding.

I feel very much this woman now as I go through the house and try to move on. It is going on six years since the death of my husband and so much happened that got in the way after his death as fate would have it (aging parents, a sick child, work, remarriage, divorce, my Mom dying, solo parenting...). Just as this woman in the Clean Sweep series, life kind of overtook me. For the longest while, one of the spare bedrooms downstairs couldn't be used because during my husband's three-year illness, whenever I didn't have a place for something I just threw it in there. That continued after his death too. I would stand at the door and throw whatever I didn't want to deal with in the room! I am totally serious about this, although I am laughing as I now write. Looking back it is so sad and funny - I am sure the Clean Sweep crew would have had a hey day about that one.

It is very hot and humid today and I've concentrated on getting rid of clothes in the spare closet so I can work upstairs in the air conditioning. It is hard for me to get rid of stuff in the first place and I struggle weeding out things now, especially anything that brings back a memory of my deceased husband. Today though I have the rule going on that I have to get rid of ANY clothing item with a drawstring waist. Why I even have a fair number of clothes with drawstring waist bands is troubling to me because they are not too flattering. But I guess they date back to the days of my husband's illness when I was so busy caring for him and the kids that I didn't have time to shop for myself and would just grab stuff off the racks without even trying them on. It strikes me as very appropriate and timely to pass those items on to the Goodwill donation center - they're from a painful part of my life and should be swept out!

Today I am grateful:

1. That hot weather naturally induces my desire to eat better and less, so I'm thinner in summer.
2. That the spare bedroom I talked about has been long cleared out and my oldest uses it as a music room for his drum set.
3. That even though it is hot and sticky at least it is not cold and snowing.
4. That I have a job and it has helped me get acclimated to the work force after time off.
5. For light body spray fragrances you can spritz on all day to cool off and freshen up.