Recreation

Here is a sad photo I snapped waiting in line at the WalMart pharmacy. The senior man in front of me had a Banquet meal and mini frozen pie in his cart. It struck me as very sad seeing that. The other night while watching t.v. with my youngest, I was struck by the reality that next year at this time, both boys will be off at college and I'll really be on my own. It was sobering. I need to get on the horse and start making plans for my future. As everyone always seems to say, it'll be here before I know it. I don't want to not be ready and prepared when my future reality does finally hit.

I heard on the news program that I watch that there will be a permanent group of unemployed individuals who don't go back to work. The reasons for long-term unemployment were discussed. They included the fact that while people are out of work, they lose various skills and get behind with business and technology trends. Also, the longer they are out, they lose business and professional contacts.

I likened these points to widowhood. How long-term widowhood can result in making us rusty around others, how our social contacts become diminished. I am finding it harder to interact socially these days - I have no idea how I'd react on a date, though I suppose it is like getting on a bike, and once you start practicing, you improve. But also, how limited my social sphere has become. I'm applying for grad school right now and struggling as to who to ask to write a reference letter for me. I've been out of touch with some old friends the past year or two. It makes me grateful for the social contact I do have with others while at my restaurant job. Yes, it isn't "professional" but it beats nothing. I also realize why it is important to have connections through church or other clubs or activities. I have chosen to not volunteer anywhere because it would have been hard the past year getting one son off to college and the other out of high school on my own. But having another professional contact for my grad school application would have been good.

It really, really is time for me to pull myself out of the current reality of my life. I can feel it and I can taste it but I'm not quite there yet. My youngest still has to finish senior year and we have to remain here during that time. Until then, I'll start with the grad school application process, which is a bit daunting. But focusing on the process will me keep centered on the future and not so much the past.

I guess when I see images of being alone, like this elderly man's t.v. dinners, I am struck by the hard reality of what it is really like to live alone. To be on one's own raising children and being worn, tired and drained from the process. To create a fuller future life takes tremendous resolve and stamina. We can't just snap our fingers and make it all better. It is another job and I'm already pretty tired. But I don't want to be pushing a cart with only single serving frozen meals in the future. I want to be dining out with co-workers and happily cooking for family and friends. As they sometimes say to women looking for someone to date - "a guy isn't going to fall out of the sky." And likewise, a new, improved, more passionate and rewarding life isn't going to materialize at this point. I have to start moving toward creating it.

St. Louis Road Trip

The boys and I took a short road trip to St. Louis this past weekend, culminating with a tryout for American Idol on Tuesday for my oldest. I have just gotten to the point where I feel like going and doing things for the pure heck of it. No, my son didn't make it on to the finals but we weren't anticipating he would. We did it for the adventure, the experience and in hopes of him conncenting with people in the industry - not to mention, it gave us an excuse to finally go on a much-needed vacation, as it has been eight years for us without one.

My son was complimented whenever he sang, even by the Idol judges. He organized nightly sing-a-alongs at our hotel where the kids competing sang for the guests during Happy Hour. He also helped set-up the group to sing in the line while waiting to go in for the auditions - that was at 5 a.m., making it onto the local news and being taped by the Idol crew. I received some compliments by fellow moms about my two boys - how nice, well-mannered, handsome, friendly, good kids they are.

In just two days we went to the Arch, the zoo and a baseball game. Alot seen and done. It just was the tip of the iceberg for me. Now I realize that we need to make time in the future for these get-aways, even if they are local.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained," was the phrase that kept repeating in my mind during this trip. How many people can say they've been to an American Idol audition? I should add, that it is nothing like what ends up being seen on t.v. - all very staged and set up but still a neat experience. None of the 45 kids staying in our hotel made it forward, and I'd have to say most were extrodinary singers. I told my son that the majority of kids there were ones with good voices singing cover songs. But my son is composing instrumental and vocal pieces and has enough material to get a CD out right now. Every opportunity is another step along the way.

I even met a nice mom from Texas and she and I hung out together. That was unexpected but nice. I hope we can stay in touch. We've already received an offer from her to visit.

So all in all a great experience but tiring. At the Arch I started to cry seeing all the families together and remembering how much my late husband enjoyed traveling. He would have loved to have been on that trip with us. I realized that since we've never been on a vacation before that this reaction has been slow in coming - almost eight years after his death. So I think that sometimes it can take us longer to pass through all the avenues of loss because we've managed to bypass that exit. And then we do drive down that avenue and even the passage of time provides no buffer.

My husband and I did so much traveling and whenever I got back I'd be so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to stetch my wings and viewpoint. Staying in our little neck of the woods the past years has resulted in my being somewhat stagnant. Meeting new people and seeing new places and things is a way to grow and expand ourselves. I can see how I've hidden away in this very insulating community out of fear and sadness. Even with my boys being older it was hard for me to take responsibility on my own for this short trip and get us all packed, and out, etc. It might be easier to stay put and live with the status quo but I can't do that anymore. And I'm glad my son is of the same nature, fighting back nerves and dealing with disappointment to take a chance and audition for Idol.

Fear

What do I fear? What have I always feared from childhood on? Being alone, unmarried especially, being rejected; having a lack of stability in my life. As I thought about this I came to the realization that I am living my deepest fears. I am alone. And while I don't really mind being alone, what I really mind is the unmarried label. I want and need to belong to someone, to be a part of a team. I was rejected by my second husband and that event shattered me to my core because it so closely followed the death of my husband.

Sometimes I overcome my fears. My losses have resulted in my being far less consumed by petty annoyances. Many times I say, "What the heck" and go out on a limb to say or do what I really want to - because I have nothing to lose. But other days, l am stuck in my fears, afraid to meet someone new, or go somewhere by myself.

Oftentimes I reflect that I really need to lose this defeated attitude. Having already encountered my deepest fears and to have lived beyond them, one would think that I would have long outgrown them.

To get what I most long for - stability, love and partnership will require me to face fear again and become vulnerable. It is a risk getting hurt when there has already been so much hurt and pain. To start over. Many times it is easier to just stay with the status quo and let life remain as it is. But then I realize I shouldn't be complaining about my life because I'm not doing much to change it. And I don't want to complain and I want my life to change. So the only option is to face the fear and risk the possibility of pain because there is always the potential for more. I'll keep my eyes and heart on the hope for a prize instead of expecting defeat.

Not Watching Dateline Alone

I am so glad I went to the party in my building tonight. I met a teacher, activity aide for seniors, school counselor who just obtained her master's, 72-year-old-grandma who holds a black belt and teaches karate, a hospital worker, and newly retired former business owner. The apartments I went into were furnished well, clean, attractive and tidy. Everyone was nice, pleasant and more than friendly. They all wanted me to go out dancing with them afterward but I begged off since tomorrow is a busy day for me. They're going out dancing again next week and want me to join them.

I know for a long time I have harbored intense feelings of failure and shame with myself for having had to move into an apartment. I've never lived in an apartment before. Perhaps I had some sort of white trash image of myself for having to be an apartment dweller. Tonight, however, my stereotypes were broken. That 72-year-old grandma worked two jobs after her divorce to raise her two daughters. She comes from another country and had no family to help her. She did what she had to do, she told me. The other women were divorced too, some with tales of rotten ex-husbands in jail. One of these women was an Irish dancer in the Riverdance Troupe. One divorced woman now lives with her mom. The 36-year-old activity assistant is raising an 8-year-old, although there is a dad whom he visits on weekends.

All in all, a bunch of pretty talented and interesting people. I showed them the video tape of my son performing at the talent contest this summer and told them he will be having an original composition played by the band for the spring concert. This new group of friends all said they wanted to attend the concert! Some of the group is going to take a self-defense class next week together. One woman showed us how to make these amazing star ornaments out of cut paper. The activity assistant asked the Irish dancer to show her how to perform an Irish jig so she can dance it in front of the seniors she works with.

I was complimented on how handsome and nice my sons are and that they have always been polite to the residents. I felt a sense of community, kindness and friendship that has certainly been lacking in my life. People offered to help one another in various ways. When I said I don't really have clothes suitable for going out dancing I was told that they'd come up with something between themselves that I could wear.

I sure hope this is not a one-time interaction. I'd like to be able to socialize like this again. Maybe I can plan a pot luck Valentine bash of my own or a January chilly/chili snowman party. I had been thinking of inviting two of the women I've gotten to know in for tea. I joked with them both that it was good I hadn't done so, because it was clear everyone would have enjoyed something stronger than tea!

Anyway, some aspects of my life seem to be on the upswing. I'm looking forward to socializing with the knitting group (one of the members brought in homemade English toffee at the last meeting - what a treat!). Now I've met some nice friendly people here. I'm feeling more confident about pursing a job in my field and not giving up during the process. Most of all, I feel I can hold up my head a bit higher. I'm an only parent doing what I can for my sons to keep them in the community so they can graduate from the high school they've both thrived at and the town they feel most comfortable in. I've done my best under the circumstances. I'm one of those nice people living in an apartment. So what. It doesn't make me less of a person or diminish my worth. As the 72-year-old grandma said to me to tonight as I complimented her apartment, "We might not own it but it is still our home." I learned a lot tonight and I am grateful for these lessons.

Ask, Seek, Knock

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:8

It is so hard to ask, seek and knock yet when we do so, doors open. Then we have to have the strength to accept.

Friends

I received an email a few weeks ago from a woman I didn't recall knowing but I enjoyed it because it was all about the books she was reading and a number of them were ones I was interested in as well! Then the next week another email came and this one contained information about a weekly knitting group made up of about 30-40 women who rotate in and out. The email gave a description of the projects each woman who had attended the group that week had been working on. It dawned on me then that the email was from one of the women I randomly met at the knitting store I frequent and struck up a conversation with a few weeks back. She invited me to join the knitting group and asked for my email.

I haven't gone to a meeting yet because of football season and now they won't be meeting until after Thanksgiving but I am definitely going to attend the first week in December. There are two older widows in the group but still a connection and other women who although don't share my widowhood do face mid-life changes. It is not going to be easy to just show up and present myself to a group of strangers but the thing about knitting is that you can listen to others while keeping your hands busy and looking occupied. It was very nice that someone who doesn't know me took the time to add me to her email list and contact me.

I've written before about how widowhood has isolated me and that I have lost friendships I used to have because of my circumstances. Here is an opportunity to get back in a group and from there who knows where it will lead? I always believe that first steps result in others.

All of this reflection on friends made me consider the fact that sometimes I haven't been a good friend. I have two close girlfriends, both divorced and one has left me a phone voice mail message and another on Facebook, neither of which I've responded to. Widowhood sometimes robs me of my time management abilities. An issue comes up and I forget about the message. I use my circumstances as an excuse at times to not put the effort in I need to.

Friendship is a two way street as are relationships. They require give and take and the attention of both parties. I rationalize that because my divorced friends have lives a bit easier, they should do more of the "work." I realize that this is not the best attitude to take here. Yes, I have a stressful and tough life right now but that doesn't give me the excuse to totally throw in the towel. I may not be able to do as much as my girlfriends but I can do what I can. So I sent my girlfriend an email telling her I was thinking of her and wishing her well with the new man she is seeing. She wrote back and seemed very pleased that I'd thought of her and suggested we get together soon to talk. That will be something to look forward to.

I hate to say that I look at socializing as another job in among the many that are already crowding my plate. But I have to look at it as a job that will result in more good than negative and worth the extra effort I put into it. I do get so irritated that widows seem to have more than their share of jobs and that even non-jobs like maintaining friendships somehow become more tedious than they were before non-widowhood. I wish it were all easier and not so complicated all of the time.

Turtle Peeking Out From The Safety Of Her Shell

The boys lost their second playoff baseball game on Monday night ending the season. Over the past few weeks I made a sincere effort to be more sociable at the games. I realized that although I said hello to parents, I sat away from the group and probably didn't appear too approachable. So, I sat on the stands and entered into the conversations going on around me. It was all pretty shallow in terms of topics but I found it enjoyable in the end. Some of the conversations were about the kids going on to college and I learned a bit about local colleges that may prove helpful to the boys. It was surprisingly nice and refreshing to have some time where I wasn't caught up in my worries and to hear about other people's pets, kids, jobs and household repairs. I even talked more with the very annoying mom and learned that she doesn't live in as upscale a neighborhood as the other parents and she talked about some defacing made to the fences in their area from gangs. They'd hoped to stay in their home for only a few years but now are unable to move.

Anyway, I had a very long conversation one morning with the coach's wife who I didn't know had lost her father when she was 12 and then her stepdad when she was 18. She talked about her mom struggling to provide for them and at one point working three jobs. She told me that she thought I'd done a wonderful job of raising the boys since their dad's death (we've know each other since that time but I'd never talked to her on such an intimate level).

As the high school football season approaches I'm taking on a new attitude. It's hard sitting alone in the stands but I'm going to try and look less unhappy/depressed. I'll try to smile more and say hello to the people I know. It is my oldest's senior year and I want to celebrate that with him. I'm proud of him being on the team and will try to focus on those feelings rather than those of being alone. And I'm looking forward to the dollar boxes of popcorn sold at the games!

I talked a lot about all of this with my girlfriend. She said I inspired her to be more cognizant of parents sitting alone at the games and to reach out/talk to them. So in a way all of this self-realization turned out to be of benefit to me (getting out of my shell more) and to my girlfriend (reaching out to others more).

Being Brave in a New World

I had assistance navigating the online job boards yesterday at the career center. It took over an hour for me to post my resume and apply for one job. I was struck as I struggled through this, how much job hunting is similar to the grief process. You feel like a fish out of water or trying to swim upstream. It is hard, stressful, tiring and discouraging - two steps forward, one step back. This is not a circumstance any of us signed up for - and for many, it is an unexpected, surreal shock. There are new rules and new ways of doing things as well as even looking at the world. But for a long while, we don't know what these new rules are and we struggle to fit in.

What really hit me was how hard I seem to be resisting change. I haven't seriously had to look for a job in about 10 years. And back then you faxed your resume to a potential employer or used the mail, plus a lot of phone calling. I am not a proficient computer user and am now having trouble figuring out all the online nuances and details. But I just want to do things the old way, the way that was comfortable for me and always got me results. I am floundering in this job market just as I floundered and still flounder with grief. I just want the comfort level of my old world when I knew what fit what and where. Sounds a lot like what I used to say when I would moan, "I just want him back" or "I just want my old life again."

In the end, we're pretty much forced to adapt. We have to resign ourselves to this. After a few weeks on my own and not getting any results with the job search, I sought assistance from a career placement center. Today I am meeting with them again and we'll discuss a job searching plan. Right now I'm in the dark and don't have any real direction on how to proceed.

That's what happened in the end after I was widowed. And again when I was divorced. Just have to dig in my heels and face the world which looks rather intimidating and threatening. The only major difference I see between unemployment and grief is that eventually the unemployment will end because a job somewhere, somehow will come into fruition. But of course, we all know the ending for our grief tales. Our partners are not returning - no tidy and happy endings there.

I am grateful:

1. For low-cost job searching assistance.
2. That the snow that came again is not a blizzard - but we all are sure getting tired of the white stuff.
3. For living in a safe community.
4. For the wide array of skills and experiences I have behind me - it will all come together in the end.
5. That in a week it will be March.

Drivers License Update

I let my son have the van for an hour before his afternoon volleyball practice. He was just going to drive to a friend's house across town to celebrate his achievement. I figured I'd give in and let him have his moment. I hope it gets some of the pent up urge to take the van out of his system (fat chance!).

A very, very small feat in the grand scheme of things, I guess. But also representative of the need to somehow balance life within the boundaries of our current circumstances.

Demoted!

So much for the new job - I've been doing my best but my performance hasn't been up-to-par so my hours were reduced from 33.5 to 10. I've been taken off the management track I was on and am now classified as lowly cashier. The store manager and I had a long chat when I inquired about my reduced hours. I totally agree with him that I have not caught on that quickly. They will be training another new employee now for the "front-end lead" spot I was hired for. The manager said I am about a month behind in the training schedule they had hoped for.


How have I taken this news? The best I can. I've considered quitting but I am not a quitter and we need the money. As they want me to fill in for people calling off their shifts, I am able to recover some of my lost hours. It is frustrating to want to do a good job but not remembering all the details going along with the training. For example, the stuff I'm doing wrong include not removing the sensor scanner from a $750.00 vacuum cleaner. (A horrible alarm was set off when the poor couple left the store and managers came running out of no where!) Or forgetting how to ring up a certain type of coupon that has only come in once before.

I did explain to the manager that people have different types of learning styles and I need to have hands-on training in order to remember a procedure. Their training so far mostly involves my looking over the shoulder of an experienced cashier, who quickly does the transaction. I am then supposed to remember how to do it but I don't. I also told the manager that I've asked repeatedly for just 5-10 minutes of one-on-one time but apparently that is too much time to take to train someone individually at this super busy store. The manager was nice and said they'd try and work with me. He acknowledged my lack of retail experience and even referred to me as a "fish out of water." He also conceded that it is a challenge to go back to work after being out of the work force awhile.

Some of this too involves my life as an only parent (with a lot on her mind as well, in regard to the foreclosure/bankruptcy). I only get about 5-6 hours of sleep a night and sometimes I'm drained when I go into work - not exactly the most conducive circumstances for starting and learning a new job. It doesn't help that I haven't worked in retail since college and the younger people at this place seem to catch on much more quickly and understand what is going on more easily. Some of them have worked at Old Navy, The Gap, Carson's, Linens & Things, etc.

So there is a fair amount stacked up against me - my being middle-aged (I don't think as fast as I once did); the challenges of being an only parent; returning to the job market after a break of a few years. In fact, I haven't worked full-time in 13 years! Since I got my master's degree I've only held part-time positions. Just the fact that I made it through two 30+ hours a week is pretty good for me! My feet ached from standing eight hour shifts and were covered in blisters. But I did make it through.

Now there is the question of what I do from here. And I have decided to take the lead of my oldest. At our Mother's Day dinner we talked about my "demotion" and he got such a kick out of it - laughing up a storm and exclaiming, "How can they demote you from a cashier? Are you in the stockroom now?" His sense of humor was contagious and I've decided to try and lighten up about all of this. Ringing up the wrong coupon may seem like a big deal to management and maybe even the customer but I know that it pales in comparison to the really big stuff. So I guess I'm going to smile my way through my mishaps and apologize if necessary - but then I'm going to take off the work apron when the day is done, go home and FORGET ABOUT IT. In the meantime, I can weigh my options - keep looking for a job in my field (a counseling agency is still interested in me), maybe take a few classes, work at this place until they fire me (or maybe I will start getting the hang of it eventually).

Today I am grateful:

1. For my son's wisdom, humor and support. He did a lot to lift my mood on Mother's Day.
2. For not having had to use the Food Pantry again - working is bringing in grocery money.
3. For sticking it out and not quitting when it might have been easier (on my feet for sure) to have thrown in the towel.
4. For having the courage to try a job outside my field.
5. For having the strength to take a chance.

New Challenges

I did not do particularly well with my job training today. I am not picking up how to use the cash register quickly and I feel frustrated and slow. The 20-year old who was working with me refused to tell me what to do when I was stuck and I got short with her and told her to tell me. I didn't know the answer - there was a line forming - I was making the current customer wait. So what was the point of her "tough" attitude? I am used to a slower, more relaxed work atmosphere. And one in which I am confident because I know what I am doing. I took this job in retail because it offered more hours and the potential for advancement over work in my social services field - but now I am beginning to doubt my decision. Except I don't have much of a choice at this point. I have to get it and catch on here. I need the job and I need the income. I feel displaced - old and rusty. Most of the others in training have recently worked in retail and are familiar with how to use registers. I have been told that they push you quickly and basically throw you into the fire to sink or swim. In my opinion this is a silly plan. Why should someone who is not ready be forced to handle a job they are not fully trained for? Mistakes are sure to be made and customers will get upset. The training so far has not been thorough. In any case, I am someone who has to do a task before understanding it. Sure, they've told me how to do something and run through it once in training, but it hasn't stuck with me. We'll have to see how tomorrow goes. I actually debated not going back after my morning today - I left with a migraine and much discouragement. But I just have to try and make this work out. Besides, I do want it to. Obviously, with practice I'll get the hang of things. I definitely do not agree with their training methods. Or maybe I'm just not cut out for this line of work. There has been too much to remember and keep track of - all while going at a quick pace. As I drove home I just kept thinking that I wouldn't be facing this pressure if my husband hadn't died. This is just another crummy obstacle to have to face and get through on my own. I have tried not to be rude in these posts but right now I just want to say that this totally SUCKS!

Today I am grateful for:

1. Having enough decent clothes in my wardrobe that fit for Spring.
2. Ditto for shoes.
3. Patient customers - hopefully they'll be extra patient tomorrow.
4. Second chances - I hope this job will give me one (they might even need to give me more).
5. OTC migraine medicine (which wasn't even available until a few years ago - unfortunately, since my husband's death I pop way more of these pills than I'd like).

Back in Civilization

I start a new job today - my first in three years! I am a bit nervous and anxious - what if I don't do well? I'm afraid I won't learn fast enough and all of that. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I do think this is positive because it will give me less time to anguish about my ex. However, now I'll have to start worrying about all those things like visible panty lines again. It has been nice to not have to worry about those matters - throw on a pair of jeans because I'm just at home or at one of the boy's sporting events. I guess I'm rejoining the world again. (I hope my panty lines don't show on my first day - I'll have to buy new underwear!)

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have a job.
2. That someone gave me a chance to start over and prove myself.
3. That after everything I've gotten through, a work orientation should be a piece of cake.
4. That I will have an opportunity to meet new people.
5. That a new door is opening in my life.

Awful Accountant

In honor of tax season, I am posting about my accountant. He was sexually inappropriate with me last year and now that I am divorced, his actions have escalated and include physical contact. I am feeling angry, exploited, disrespected and vulnerable. The fact that I've paid him a lot of money adds insult to injury because I feel as though I've actually paid for this abuse!

I have great trouble standing up for myself and part of my hesitation in this case is that I need to keep on good terms with him because he knows my financial history and would have to intervene with the IRS if necessary in the future. It is too late and costly to go to someone else. Why I thought things would be different this year, I now don't know. I guess this helps prove that theory that leopards don't change their spots. Maybe he has a knack for hitting on vulnerable women? I put the matter behind me last year after I reconciled with Husband #2 and he came in with me to the office - the accountant sure behaved himself when Husband #2 was with me!

The latest in this saga was yesterday when the accountant wanted me to pick up my completed return at his home. All I want is to have a strictly business/professional relationship with the guy. Here I am again in another situation that forces me to do something that is outside my comfort zone and makes me extremely anxious. More hassle in an already hassle-packed life!

What I am realizing about all this is that the strongest feelings I am experiencing have to do with not having a man in my life to protect me from all this. It is not the feelings of abuse or anger that are top here. Instead, I am feeling vulnerable with a victim mentality. I am feeling like as a widow, I am even more at risk for being taken advantage of. Along with those feelings are the ones that if I were still married, I wouldn't have to be dealing with this - so it is just more punishment for my situation.

For me, the hardest part of widowhood is and has been not having a husband by my side. I just don't want to face life alone (especially the hardships and conflicts). I know couples have to face both individual and joint difficulties, but in my mind anything is more bearable if you're married. It is what is most important to me. I don't want to deny that but to face it in hopes that it will help me understand myself and my actions better. To me, marriage represents safety, security and stability and part of me believes that I won't have these unless I am married.

Bottom line though - I'm not married and I have to face a crummy situation on my own. One that involves standing up for myself so my dignity and honor remain intact. There's no knight coming in on a horse to defend me on this one. I know that would be the easy way out, but maybe just once or twice here I'd like to have that happen. To be taken care of instead of doing all the caring, day in and day out for both myself and the boys.

Today I am grateful:

1. For my boys. I need to stay focused on the knowledge that as long as they are healthy and whole, my world is complete as it is.
2. For books - my strength and refuge.
3. For Barnes & Noble and Borders. I could probably live my life without another new outfit but could not say the same about a new book to read.
4. For bagels - maybe the perfect comfort food because they can be considered a healthier indulgence.
5. For brides and the wedding season and all that marriage represents. Even though my marriages did not end as I'd hoped, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been a bride.

Getting outside my comfort zone

I have a good friend who has been giving me job hunting advice. His most recent was that I should ask to talk with the manager wherever I am applying, get their name and let them know I am widowed and looking for work. When he first recommended this I felt very resentful and a bit put off. This is not my style at all and I am having a hard enough time just walking into a McDonald's and getting an application in the first place! I talked to him a little about this (at least he listens and tried to understand) and he replied that I need to get out of my comfort zone. That was when I really felt upset. Everyday since my husband died I have lived outside my comfort zone and now I have to go above and beyond and continue stretching myself. I am already sick and tired of being out of my comfort zone!

In fairness to my friend, I realized his advice was sound and I made a promise to myself that I would try his tactic and see what happened. I went to four places today and found that mentioning I was a widow actually resulted in two managers (my age) seemingly expressing more interest than usual - one even asked my name and said she would watch for my application to come in next week. I also found that I got better and more comfortable with the process as I kept doing it. All that practice makes perfect stuff.

In any case, I guess the point I am making is that it is already hard enough being a widow and just trying to survive another day. But then we are forced to take on even more challenges and it is just all so tiring and difficult, each and every day. People out there really have no idea of what this is like. It is like belonging to an exclusive club (this might be a good title for a book - "The Widow's Club"). Only the benefits of the club aren't so great.

Today I am grateful:

1. That we made it through the month of February and didn't even use the Food Pantry (thank goodness).
2. That my oldest had his band tryouts this week and made the top/exclusive group which is an honor since he is only a Sophomore and the group is mainly composed of Seniors. But that makes it even more imperative that we stay in the same school district so I feel even more pressure on me. (So this one is kind of a double-edged sword - I'm grateful but also more worried as a result).
3. That both boys are popular and very socially adjusted. Because in the end, our relationships and friendships are what have the greatest meaning.