A few weeks back, I was at a volleyball game and approached by a woman I have often volunteered with at school events. I wouldn't call this woman and I friends but good and friendly acquaintances. She also has two boys and our kids have all played together and been on the same sports teams through the years. She approached me on the bleachers with her husband to ask me where I had moved.
I gave her the story that we had moved to an apartment complex within the district so I could keep the boys at the same school. She'd heard about my attempted move out-of-state with Sam and asked about that too. I related how difficult a transition that had been for the boys and so I had decided to return home so they could continue at their current high school. The husband replied that I had kept my priorities straight thinking out for my sons.
After the game and returning home, I thought back to this conversation and was very upset with myself because instead of being matter-of-fact about my situation, I related it in a very self-depreciating manner. I sounded and described myself as down-and-out and a failure. There was no reason for this. I owe this couple nothing. And it does no good to put myself down in any way.
I think there is an overall sense of shame in having been divorced (since I didn't want it) and then all the sense of failure for having lost my home - being unable to find suitable work and unable to keep up my finances.
But I need to hold my head up high and be proud of myself for what I have accomplished under trying and difficult circumstances. Everything I have done has been on my own and has been focused on what has been best for my sons. I should not feel ashamed of that. I don't want to apologize to anyone for the decisions I have had to make. No one else has been in my shoes facing significant grief and then having to forge on forward in a diminished state emotionally, physically and financially.
I think in the past that I would not have been so upset with myself like I am now. I wish I could redo that entire conversation on the bleachers with me holding up my head and feeling proud and strong for having made the decisions I did and taken the actions I have and survived all of this.
I do not want to disparage myself in the future.
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Fate, Timing, Circumstances, Choices
I keep going over all that I could have and should have done since my husband's death. Of course, in retrospect this is always easy to do. Basically, I am struggling with the choices I made to care for my parents at the eventual expense of my myself. I was so mired in care-taking duties to my family that I never stood back and cared for my own personal emotional, financial or social health. I didn't have any choice to care for my kids but I didn't exert any limits around the remaining time and energy I had. And so today I am without a second husband (who felt I chose my kids over him) and in a financial tailspin because I never took the time out to handle my own affairs. I am also painfully estranged from my only sister for reasons that I am unsure of because she won't talk to me. I think it has something to do with our family-of-origin issues that were triggered with the severe illnesses of our parents and then death of our Mom. But I am guessing.
It is hard to recognize or acknowledge all this. I did have a hand in what has resulted. I have to say that the Universe sure threw me some tremendous curve balls to navigate through. And in all honesty the forest was so thick I could not see through the trees during the years following my husband's death. But now that the dust has settled and my divorce is final and I have gained a little perspective,I do see that there were things I could have done differently.
I never had a chance to grieve as a new widow and I never made the time to heal myself. Maybe the time is now, five years later. So sadly, it took me losing everything to figure this out. I'm not sure what the eventual lesson or life plan is for all of this. I only know that there wasn't anything left to nurture and care for me.
I am currently struggling with trying to forgive myself and at the same time become more attentive to my needs so I can heal and move on. Some part of me knows that it does no good to keep kicking myself down for what I could have done. Those days are long over. And would I even have done anything differently? Could I have? My Mom was dying, my father was in another hospital also sick - not real conducive for packing up the house, dragging two resistant teens and moving into a new community with a less than supportive husband. Bad, terrible, unfathomable timing to be sure! Almost as if everything was set in motion to prevent me for not moving.
I set out to write tonight and had no idea what would come out. As I finish this post (because I have a scowling 15-year-old wanting to get back on the computer standing over my shoulder), I guess the clarification I've gained from this rambling is this - life is a combination of fate, timing, and circumstances, as well as choices. And sometimes that combination proves too daunting, too complicated to navigate out of without some casualties. And I suppose that as in all things too, there is a balance between forgiving oneself for what was impossible to do, while learning the lesson of seeing the choices that could have been made but were not.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the beautiful moon I saw tonight in the sky, all misty among the clouds.
2. For being able to have my rear view blinker light fixed for only $8.10.
3. For having my girlfriend inform me that my rear view blinker light was out because I didn't know that.
4. For the peace, perspective and clarity I am gaining (although it is not without pain).
5. For having enough possessions to give away to others who can put them to good use.
It is hard to recognize or acknowledge all this. I did have a hand in what has resulted. I have to say that the Universe sure threw me some tremendous curve balls to navigate through. And in all honesty the forest was so thick I could not see through the trees during the years following my husband's death. But now that the dust has settled and my divorce is final and I have gained a little perspective,I do see that there were things I could have done differently.
I never had a chance to grieve as a new widow and I never made the time to heal myself. Maybe the time is now, five years later. So sadly, it took me losing everything to figure this out. I'm not sure what the eventual lesson or life plan is for all of this. I only know that there wasn't anything left to nurture and care for me.
I am currently struggling with trying to forgive myself and at the same time become more attentive to my needs so I can heal and move on. Some part of me knows that it does no good to keep kicking myself down for what I could have done. Those days are long over. And would I even have done anything differently? Could I have? My Mom was dying, my father was in another hospital also sick - not real conducive for packing up the house, dragging two resistant teens and moving into a new community with a less than supportive husband. Bad, terrible, unfathomable timing to be sure! Almost as if everything was set in motion to prevent me for not moving.
I set out to write tonight and had no idea what would come out. As I finish this post (because I have a scowling 15-year-old wanting to get back on the computer standing over my shoulder), I guess the clarification I've gained from this rambling is this - life is a combination of fate, timing, and circumstances, as well as choices. And sometimes that combination proves too daunting, too complicated to navigate out of without some casualties. And I suppose that as in all things too, there is a balance between forgiving oneself for what was impossible to do, while learning the lesson of seeing the choices that could have been made but were not.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the beautiful moon I saw tonight in the sky, all misty among the clouds.
2. For being able to have my rear view blinker light fixed for only $8.10.
3. For having my girlfriend inform me that my rear view blinker light was out because I didn't know that.
4. For the peace, perspective and clarity I am gaining (although it is not without pain).
5. For having enough possessions to give away to others who can put them to good use.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
11 Little Words
The 11 most important words we can say in our relationships are:
"Please forgive me."
"I forgive you."
"Thank you."
"I love you."
This marvelous concept comes from the book of Ira Byock, M.D., "The Four Things That Matter Most." I came across the book while searching for another in my bookcase (one of many in the house) - something I picked up a few years ago and never read. The book's message is totally applicable to what is going on in my life right now so maybe it is better that it sat on the shelf until now. I can better appreciate and incorporate its message.
The author promotes being mindful of forgiveness, gratitude, affection and love on a daily basis, not just when we want to make amends or deal with conflicts. He proposes that in saying these words regularly, we'll avoid creating misunderstandings and long-standing resentments within our relationships. And saying them in times of conflict will help heal wounds and allow people to move on.
Reading the book inspired me to try and live a life where I am conscious of these qualities everyday! It is important that we tell people we love them and not expect them to just assume our feelings. It always feels so good to hear those words, and I continue to believe that all of us need to say it much more!
I remember asking for my husband's forgiveness while standing on the driveway of our home as I helped him into the car for his last journey to the hospital. I just blurted out that I was sorry for ANYTHING I had ever done in the marriage that hurt him; for any act of unkindness I had inflicted. My husband didn't really acknowledge my words nor did he offer any kind of apology to me (which would have been nice to have heard). He was not a man willing to look at or admit his faults and it was difficult for him to apologize. I am also sure that his physical and psychological pain that he was experiencing did not lend itself to the healing moment I was after. But after he had died I was glad I had said those words to him.
All of us are human - we hurt each other, say insensitive things, are impatient, demanding, critical and rude. Especially to the ones closest to us and those we love the most. Keeping these 11 words in focus is a small way to counteract our humanness. I wonder if I should ask my ex-husband for forgiveness? There is still such a gaping hole of incompleteness in regard to that relationship. As Byock writes, "It is no surprise then that forgiveness is so often at the heart of completing relationships and finding peace."
Today I am grateful:
1. For the pleasure of experiencing a cool morning with time to spend listening to the rain fall while lying under warm, cozy covers.
2. For rainy days that force you to slow down, catch up on little details and relax a bit.
3. For the store clerks who have become familiar with you over the years and know you by name and ask how you are doing.
4. For classic Land's End Oxford shirts that never go out of style and last forever.
5. For being able to walk, stand and physically tolerate the demands of my cashiering job.
"Please forgive me."
"I forgive you."
"Thank you."
"I love you."
This marvelous concept comes from the book of Ira Byock, M.D., "The Four Things That Matter Most." I came across the book while searching for another in my bookcase (one of many in the house) - something I picked up a few years ago and never read. The book's message is totally applicable to what is going on in my life right now so maybe it is better that it sat on the shelf until now. I can better appreciate and incorporate its message.
The author promotes being mindful of forgiveness, gratitude, affection and love on a daily basis, not just when we want to make amends or deal with conflicts. He proposes that in saying these words regularly, we'll avoid creating misunderstandings and long-standing resentments within our relationships. And saying them in times of conflict will help heal wounds and allow people to move on.
Reading the book inspired me to try and live a life where I am conscious of these qualities everyday! It is important that we tell people we love them and not expect them to just assume our feelings. It always feels so good to hear those words, and I continue to believe that all of us need to say it much more!
I remember asking for my husband's forgiveness while standing on the driveway of our home as I helped him into the car for his last journey to the hospital. I just blurted out that I was sorry for ANYTHING I had ever done in the marriage that hurt him; for any act of unkindness I had inflicted. My husband didn't really acknowledge my words nor did he offer any kind of apology to me (which would have been nice to have heard). He was not a man willing to look at or admit his faults and it was difficult for him to apologize. I am also sure that his physical and psychological pain that he was experiencing did not lend itself to the healing moment I was after. But after he had died I was glad I had said those words to him.
All of us are human - we hurt each other, say insensitive things, are impatient, demanding, critical and rude. Especially to the ones closest to us and those we love the most. Keeping these 11 words in focus is a small way to counteract our humanness. I wonder if I should ask my ex-husband for forgiveness? There is still such a gaping hole of incompleteness in regard to that relationship. As Byock writes, "It is no surprise then that forgiveness is so often at the heart of completing relationships and finding peace."
Today I am grateful:
1. For the pleasure of experiencing a cool morning with time to spend listening to the rain fall while lying under warm, cozy covers.
2. For rainy days that force you to slow down, catch up on little details and relax a bit.
3. For the store clerks who have become familiar with you over the years and know you by name and ask how you are doing.
4. For classic Land's End Oxford shirts that never go out of style and last forever.
5. For being able to walk, stand and physically tolerate the demands of my cashiering job.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Guess Love is Not Enough
I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's house yesterday and had an opportunity to briefly speak with him. We probably talked about 20 minutes - I could have used an hour. So much is still left unsaid. But I did get to convey a few of my sentiments and that is very important to me.
This is a terribly difficult and strange ending because it is apparent we still have strong feelings for one another. My ex-husband disclosed that he could not handle the financial strain of running two households and threw in the towel. He also admitted difficulties with my two teens (the problems in coming in as a stepdad to raise two boys who have been fatherless for some time). He told me that love is not enough. I guess I always thought it was - and if you had love, everything else could be worked out in the end. In my mind there were more positives than negatives with our marriage.
That we left one another with a hug and kiss means more to me than anything. I feel a small bit of healing and hope in regard to moving forward. There was so much anger between us combined with the total lack of communication. I would have been completely devastated if that had been how we said our final goodbye (silent and angry). I wish this wasn't the ending that has been written for this story. It is like coming to the last chapter of a book that I want to keep going. It is over, finished but I don't want it to be. Now I have to wait for the sequel or pick up a new book to start reading. This one is written and complete.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to say goodbye.
2. That my ex did not refuse to talk to me and he even let me in the house!
3. For the love my ex and I shared.
4. For everything my ex did for me to assist us financially.
5. For the man my ex is (both good qualities and those more challenging - I am grateful to have known him as he is).
This is a terribly difficult and strange ending because it is apparent we still have strong feelings for one another. My ex-husband disclosed that he could not handle the financial strain of running two households and threw in the towel. He also admitted difficulties with my two teens (the problems in coming in as a stepdad to raise two boys who have been fatherless for some time). He told me that love is not enough. I guess I always thought it was - and if you had love, everything else could be worked out in the end. In my mind there were more positives than negatives with our marriage.
That we left one another with a hug and kiss means more to me than anything. I feel a small bit of healing and hope in regard to moving forward. There was so much anger between us combined with the total lack of communication. I would have been completely devastated if that had been how we said our final goodbye (silent and angry). I wish this wasn't the ending that has been written for this story. It is like coming to the last chapter of a book that I want to keep going. It is over, finished but I don't want it to be. Now I have to wait for the sequel or pick up a new book to start reading. This one is written and complete.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to say goodbye.
2. That my ex did not refuse to talk to me and he even let me in the house!
3. For the love my ex and I shared.
4. For everything my ex did for me to assist us financially.
5. For the man my ex is (both good qualities and those more challenging - I am grateful to have known him as he is).
Friday, March 27, 2009
Think, feel and act kindly
I think I am beginning to understand why having negative thoughts is so upsetting to me. My grief counselor told me to stick with the feelings and by doing so I am unlocking the door.
1. Having negative feelings is not the answer - we don't gain anything from dwelling on them and I end up feeling much worse in the end - even more down and then I am upset with myself for even having them in the first place. I think there is a part of me (deep inside) that gets this and that is why my inability to curb my jealousy, anger, self-pity and vengeful thoughts is so conflicting. Because on the other hand I get my counselor's view that we should not stifle our feelings but hear them out. I have just reached the point now where I know that is not the direction to take to achieve the life of love that I want to experience.
2. I think the problem is that we have all grown up hearing how to "Love our neighbor," "Turn the other cheek" and "Forgive and forget" but that is where that advice ends. How do you actually forgive someone who greatly harmed you or your children? We're told what to do but not the steps to take to accomplish the forgiveness. And I can say from experience that someone just can't wake up one morning with love in their hearts for someone who has betrayed them. Even though I am understanding that my negativity isn't the way to accomplish the peace I am seeking, I am somewhat uncertain how to replace the negative, hateful emotions with positive, loving ones. So that is the next step on my journey - figuring out how to put being more loving into practice every day!
I was reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's book "The Power of Intention" before I went to sleep last night and the following passage on page 44 resonated with me about negativity.
"Low energy thoughts that weaken us fall in the realm of shame, anger, hatred, judgment, and fear. Each of these inner thoughts weakens us and inhibits us from attracting into our lives what we desire. If we become what we think about, and what we think about is what's wrong with the world and how angry and ashamed and fearful we are, it stands to reason that we'll act on those unkind thoughts and become what we're thinking about. When you think, feel, and act kindly, you give yourself the opportunity to be like the power of intention. When you're thinking and acting otherwise, you've left the field of intention, and you've assured yourself of feeling cheated by the all-creative Spirit of intent."
Today I am grateful:
1. That the recent difficult aspects of my life (divorce, financial strain, potential foreclosure) haven't dragged me down yet!
2. That I want to use those events to empower me and become a better person for the Universe.
3. That I continue to be reminded of the gift I was given when my husband died - Knowing that "Love is the answer."
1. Having negative feelings is not the answer - we don't gain anything from dwelling on them and I end up feeling much worse in the end - even more down and then I am upset with myself for even having them in the first place. I think there is a part of me (deep inside) that gets this and that is why my inability to curb my jealousy, anger, self-pity and vengeful thoughts is so conflicting. Because on the other hand I get my counselor's view that we should not stifle our feelings but hear them out. I have just reached the point now where I know that is not the direction to take to achieve the life of love that I want to experience.
2. I think the problem is that we have all grown up hearing how to "Love our neighbor," "Turn the other cheek" and "Forgive and forget" but that is where that advice ends. How do you actually forgive someone who greatly harmed you or your children? We're told what to do but not the steps to take to accomplish the forgiveness. And I can say from experience that someone just can't wake up one morning with love in their hearts for someone who has betrayed them. Even though I am understanding that my negativity isn't the way to accomplish the peace I am seeking, I am somewhat uncertain how to replace the negative, hateful emotions with positive, loving ones. So that is the next step on my journey - figuring out how to put being more loving into practice every day!
I was reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's book "The Power of Intention" before I went to sleep last night and the following passage on page 44 resonated with me about negativity.
"Low energy thoughts that weaken us fall in the realm of shame, anger, hatred, judgment, and fear. Each of these inner thoughts weakens us and inhibits us from attracting into our lives what we desire. If we become what we think about, and what we think about is what's wrong with the world and how angry and ashamed and fearful we are, it stands to reason that we'll act on those unkind thoughts and become what we're thinking about. When you think, feel, and act kindly, you give yourself the opportunity to be like the power of intention. When you're thinking and acting otherwise, you've left the field of intention, and you've assured yourself of feeling cheated by the all-creative Spirit of intent."
Today I am grateful:
1. That the recent difficult aspects of my life (divorce, financial strain, potential foreclosure) haven't dragged me down yet!
2. That I want to use those events to empower me and become a better person for the Universe.
3. That I continue to be reminded of the gift I was given when my husband died - Knowing that "Love is the answer."
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Forgiveness
It is like the floodgates have opened and I am being immersed in a sea of insight and understanding. I have for so long agonized over the concept of forgiveness and feeling quite certain that I would never be able to grant that to Husband #2. I read a couple of books on the topic including "Forgive and Forget - Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" by Lewis B. Smedes but just could not grasp the concepts involved. I reexamined this topic reading "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky - A Buddhist Path Through Divorce" by Gabriel Cohen and again could not see how it is possible to view a person's intentionally hurtful acts separately from who they are as a human being. I was unable to observe the two on their own and could only see them as connected. But having completed divorce mediation on Thursday I have since had a change of perspective. The fact that my husband lacked the courage or decency to say goodbye in person and then literally ran from the law office when the mediation was completed allows me to see him as a pretty damaged and tormented soul. My compassion for him has come out. And I can see that what he did stemmed from his inability to be able to successfully engage in relationships. It is a horible weakness but one that I would bet has its roots in very early childhood. I don't think Husband #2 has a clue what he is running from or even why - just that he has to run from the pain because he cannot face it. Gabriel Cohen talked a lot about the concept of seeing people (especially the ones who hurt us) as being just like us in that we are all just trying to escape pain and find happiness.
So finally I am understanding how it is possible to view a person's behavior as separate from who they really are - a fellow person trying to avoid pain and suffering. It is helpful for me to use metaphors when working out issues and in this case I view forgiveness as the butter you spread on a piece of bread. The more you can slather on the better! That additional butter will spread and spread and spread - to you, the person you are forgiving and ultimately others.
So finally I am understanding how it is possible to view a person's behavior as separate from who they really are - a fellow person trying to avoid pain and suffering. It is helpful for me to use metaphors when working out issues and in this case I view forgiveness as the butter you spread on a piece of bread. The more you can slather on the better! That additional butter will spread and spread and spread - to you, the person you are forgiving and ultimately others.
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