Curriculum Night

Attended my last high school curriculum night last week. Most parents of seniors don't go and even my son was surprised I was going. But I felt it was only appropriate to do so as it marks the end of a long, enduring journey.

During the night as I toured my son's last semester's classes and met his teachers, I heard over and over how special the high school, community, parents and students are and how honored the teachers and principal feel to be a part of the school. I've been hearing the same thing every curriculum night for the past five years. And indeed, I truly believe as well, that our community and the high school are unusually rare, special and valuable. It is the reason I have stayed in the community - so my sons would be able to remain members of this special place despite their dad's death - and that they would complete their entire pre-college education here.

Attending the night confirmed for me that the decisions I've made to stay here were the right ones for our family. Many years ago, when the boys were just starting school and a few years before my husband became ill, we considered moving to a more rural community. In fact, we were going to bid on two houses but offers had already been made on them. At that point, we made the decision to stay put, despite our longing for the rural life because of the great school system in our community. Just a year later my husband was diagnosed and I remember feeling grateful that we hadn't moved. If we had, I would still be a newcomer in the community and my parents would not have been able to watch my sons when I went to the hospital for months on end. I wound up thinking that fate had intervened and made it impossible for us to get one of the houses we wanted. That we weren't meant to move at that time because of my husband's impending illness.

So staying here was for my sons but it also became kind of a promise to my husband to stay the course and make it for the sake of our sons because it was what we had both determined was the best learning environment for them.

I did it! We all made it! This IS a special community and my sons were privileged to live here through college. I will never regret my efforts to focus on keeping them in this school district. This educational foundation will set the tone and pattern for the rest of their lives.

Over the weekend, I ran into a mom who was once a closer friend. My oldest son was in Kindergarten with her youngest son. Her family even attended my second wedding and the boys had a garage band together in middle school. Her family has moved into a rental after losing their home so we talked a bit about that and I told her about my desire to move. Then I asked her about her son. He is not in college, worked a seasonal job at Target but is not employed now although he has a few band gigs. Her daughter, a few years older, works at a retail store but isn't in college.

Now I know kids bloom at different points and that college is not for everyone. But I called my oldest son immediately after chatting with this woman to tell him that I am proud of him and to thank him for being in college and doing so well. Then I came home and thanked my younger son for doing so well in school and told him I am proud of his plans for college. Perhaps my two sons represent the truest sign that the sacrifices made to remain in this community were worth it.

A lot of times on life's journey, we choose a path and hope for the best. And sometimes we don't get the satisfaction of knowing that a certain course was the best or right one for a long time. It is not to say that had we moved, my sons would have turned out to be delinquents. But after a parental death, there is so much turmoil, and fear of the unknown, it seemed only logical for me to remain in the community for the social and educational stability it offered my sons. Coming to the end of this phase and seeing that the results are so positive make it easier for me to leave this area with a lighter heart and more hope for the future. It is hard to move in the middle of a chapter and that is probably why I have been so resistant to relocate before. But now I truly have reached the end of a book with a very satisfying conclusion to the plot. And I can move on with a clear conscience, my head held up high and pride besides.

Reinvention

Judith Viorst in her book "Necessary Losses," raises a distinction in regard to the death of a spouse as differing from that of another loved one. She explains that when a spouse dies, an entire way of life is also taken from the survivor and that in itself becomes another death to surmount.

I really identified with this description, it just rings so true with me and my experience. Right now I see my life as one of having to be totally reinvented by myself from the ground up. It is as though I am emerging from the womb naked and at this point everything necessary for my survival has to be provided by me. In a way, I am now serving as a parent to myself.

I lost every aspect of my previous life with the exception of my education which I've always believed can never be taken from you. My financial cushion is shattered, the home to provide some of that financial security is gone, I've lost my social network, I don't have a career or job in keeping with my interests, skills or educational level, the absence of emotional love, support and connection that was the heart and soul of my marriage has left me bitter, hopeless and drained.

Here I am at 51 needing to undertake a total rebuilding of my life for all levels and aspects and I don't seemingly have the strength, energy or even desire to do so right now. I'm exhausted from the years of sorrow and the constant getting up and facing the day on my own. At 51 I'm not sure anymore how much my depression, anxiety and exhaustion stem from my age and the beginnings of menopause or actual grief. Why does it have to be one or the other? Maybe I am suffering from both!

I thought the other day that I probably have a good 20 years left in the work place where I can be productive to others and derive some meaning and satisfaction for myself. I need to make a concerted effort to seek employment in my field and to regain my qualifications which are outdated.

But I admit I am utterly overwhelmed by the prospect of having to reinvent myself at so many levels, from the ground up while being naked! I don't know where to start and my fear combines with me just not doing anything. I lack a plan - I don't even know how to make a plan on a course of action. There seems to be too much to do and everything to do all at the same time. Do I focus more on one specific aspect or goal or try to work on them evenly at the same time? Having a better job would improve the financial end of life but having a better social support system would make it easier for me to focus on my work life.

I feel in similar ways to that of myself as a college student. I had a tough time figuring out what to concentrate on and ended up getting my BA with the 5-year plan because I'd changed my major so often. But at least back then I felt the support of family and friends behind me. I knew if I made a mistake and failed there would be a place for me to go and guidance in helping me figure out the next step. Now I am in the position of trying to guide my sons to the best of my ability and figure out this new personal path and I am feeling crushed under the pressure and responsibility.

I know that the optimistic thinkers and doers out there can to point to this as an opportunity for great growth and potential. Like those speeches you'd hear about being able to accomplish your dreams and aspirations. But I tell you, I didn't have any clue ahead of time that this would become the new state and reality of my life. Around me others are thinking about retirement and relaxation. It is a rude awakening to be plunged into a world where what you knew and are familiar with has been stripped away. I need to work at a better job simply to survive and assist my boys with their college educations. I don't have a choice. And rather than inspire me to more greatness, that in and of itself isn't a motivator. I'm being forced to survive whereas before in my old life, decisions I made were based on what I wanted to do on my terms. Kind of like now being forced at gun point to keep trudging forward, rather than do so willingly. It does make a difference.

Sitting here and brooding about all of this gets me nowhere. I suppose in the end, whatever step I end up taking, in whatever direction it is going, is one small step toward the future and going forward and an improvement from stagnating in my current fear and indecision. "Take a step. Any step. Take a chance, any chance and see where it leads and what comes of it."

All Winners

The boys attend just the greatest school - that is why it was so difficult to transfer them and why I ultimately chose not to move in with Sam last winter. Having made the decision to stay here so the boys can finish high school, I'm resigned to that fact. I remember my therapist telling me there were pros and cons to moving or staying - that ultimately whatever decision I made would be the "right" one.

School has been back in session now for a week and the first home football game was tonight - last week was a practice scrimmage. My oldest had to get to school early this morning because there is a parade in the hallways for all home games. The band drum line leads all the varsity players around the school hallways at the start of school. How wonderful is that! I've never heard of another school doing that! Before every game too, they are fed a catered dinner!

Then tonight, at the game, the drum line leads the team out again in a long procession starting at the hill by the baseball fields and progressing down to the football field. You hear the drum cadence from a distance and I always get goose bumps! My son related that he had goosebumps being in the procession too! The drums get louder and the drummers and team then march through a huge, long tunnel made up of the rest of the band, the cheerleaders, dance team and JV players. The starting line-up is announced and the boys run through this giant banner - there are also plenty of giant flags being waved on the field, along with a dressed-up mascot.

My youngest son, who runs varsity cross country and isn't playing football got dressed up tonight to lend his support as a "superfan." The theme for this game was "rednecks." The students were dressed in flannel shirts, torn jeans, bandanas and straw hats. The kids in the stands put on their own show. As we all walked up the steps into the stands, they made an arch with their arms over us and cheered everyone in. Some of the boys were shirtless and covered with body paint. Their cheers and antics were almost as enjoyable as the game!

Whenever our team made a touchdown, two cheerleaders ran in front of the stands carrying a huge flag. They were followed by three of the "rednecks" carrying smaller flags. Everyone was pumped and in high spirits.

My son had a decent amount of playing time and made some plays - his name was announced over the loud speaker. He was also the defensive captain and relayed all the plays from the coach to the players. When I see him in that role, my chest swells. I was proud of both my boys tonight. And very happy that they are so popular with many friends. It is a consolation that despite all that has happened, they have thrived and flourished in school.

Tonight I just tried not to dwell on sitting alone and did my best to focus on why I was there - to support my terrific sons. The fall sports booklet was being sold by the boosters and I purchased one for $2.00. All the team photos are in the book and my oldest as a senior had his photo and name printed individually. Both of my boys are handsome and photogenic. They represent their school as leaders, each in his own way. And attending tonight's game I held my head up - all of us were winners tonight, not only the team.

Closing For Business

I have been doing a lot of contemplation and reflection on stopping this blog. This is due in part to my self-study about The Law of Attraction. I just can't seem to climb out of the pit of my negativity these days. And being positive and optimistic is key to the theory. I am worried that this blog transmits too much negativity out into the world and that is not something I want to be doing.

Basically, after a great deal of introspection, from a combination of grief therapy, self-work, reading and blogging, I have come to the earth-shattering conclusion that widowhood sucks. Which I actually find rather amusing in a way, because when I first started this blog, I wanted the title to be "Widowhood Sucks!" But I decided on the current one because I thought it was too negative and I wanted one more descriptive. So in the end, coming around full circle, all I've gotten from all of this work is the knowledge that I had when I started - that widowhood sucks big time!

My continuing to post about the issues in my life will just be variations on what I've already posted - the loneliness, heartache, physical, mental and emotional fatigue of this experience. I'm not sure that is amounting to good anymore, either for myself or others.

I am thinking about some ideas of where to go from here. Maybe I'll focus more on my experience of having to make a financial comeback in my life. Or the search for love. I am also trying to decide if I should give myself a month to be as miserable as I want to be - totally down and out. Or if I have to force myself to get on the bandwagon of positive thinking and hope. Or maybe I allow myself the misery followed by the hope.

Anyway, closing this down won't happen today or tomorrow because I still have some posts I want to relate about widowhood.

I'm letting the Universe help guide and direct me on this. The other day after I got my taxes filed I went into a local book store down the street from H & R Block. I wanted to check out a book that had been recommended to me. On the way in, one of the sale/last chance books caught my eye. It was a birthday/horoscope book and I flipped to the page with my birth date.

The description informed me that my life's challenge is to overcome my negativity. That my goal in life is to bring good to the world but that I can't do that by focusing on negativity. Now I know that I am a naturally pessimistic person - I've been so even as a little girl. But I found these words a personal message to me. They did serve as a sign since they were so in line what I have been thinking and worrying about.

More of Sam's Feedback

Sam was kind enough to call me again to rehash all of this. He had 15 minutes before work started for him. He said he cannot see us moving if we are all going to be miserable. He is worried that the boys WILL fail at the new school and the problems that would then result. He said we are trying to work out the best solution for all of us and that it would probably be better to revisit the move at the end of the school year. He agrees that our trial run in Dec. did make him now hesitant to get married but does not want to end our relationship... He said he will try to send approx. $200.00 monthly to help out in addition to covering our cell phone bill. He wishes he could provide more but cannot do so. Sam also pointed out that some married couples live out-of-state and others work through situations like ours because of school issues with the kids. He admitted the schools in the new town are not as good as what the boys are use to and he understands the difficulties in moving.

Hearing all of this just makes me want to move because I don't want to lose such a stand-up guy. I feel we are right for one another but I suppose the timing and circumstances are not. Sam told me he does not think it is in my heart to make the move right now. I told him if I have to choose it would be to move because of him but he does not want to make ultimatums. Nor does he feel that the turmoil that is going on right now serves as a good foundation in which to start a marriage.

In a way, I am now having my cake and eating it too. Being able to stay back so the boys can attend school here but not being able to live with Sam and start our lives under one roof is a terrible price to pay and I am not dancing in the street with joy. There would be sadness, regret, pain and loss whichever decision the two of us came too. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and that no one road was a win-win for us. Both decisions involved loss and sacrifice.

Rocky Road

Sam and I spoke at length last night and this morning he called and the first words out of his mouth were that he thinks we should stay here and not move to him. It was a disheartening conversation. Part of his feelings result from the three weeks we spent living with him in December. He feels the boys and I were very unhappy and as a result, it did change his views about marrying me. We had spoken of marrying in January but now he does not feel "comfortable" doing so and wants to wait to "build up trust" again and to "make sure it is the right thing to do" for all of us.

I would have to say that this is all pretty distressing to me. I told him I'd wished he'd said something to me sooner and he replied that back in Dec. he had been hoping things would improve/change. I admit I was having a hard time of things and pretty depressed at that time. I thought he understood where I was coming from and would give me some leeway in getting through the tangle of emotions that surrounded me.

The move and my decision to enroll the boys in the new school for a kind of trial run was made very quickly and I had just completed the intensive 5-week Nursing Asst. training course. We literally left for our move hours after my last clinical class on Sun. and the boys started school on Mon. During the three weeks we lived with Sam I was also driving home on the weekends to finish my two-week notice with the big box store. It was very stressful and I did the best I could. Now I feel I am being judged by a set of criteria that is not fair.

Sam says the door to his home is still open and nothing else has changed except for his not wanting to get married right now. I told him that from my perspective the whole point of moving is to get married, be with him, share life and rebuild our family together. His view is that I should be moving to have a better life. I believe a better life will come out of being with him. He says marriage will come down the road out of a better life.

Well, I feel as though another curve ball as come my way. I am trying to understand and be patient with Sam for his outlook right now. But I still feel a little betrayed since the tune has changed here. Part of the reason I made the decision to move in Dec. was because marriage was on the table. I have never believed in living together and know that is not a comfortable option for me.

If we move now it will seem like I am on trial or have to prove myself and in my opinion that is the backwards approach to take to this commitment together. It seems as though we should feel strongly about our intentions to one another before I move, not have me move and then see how things develop.

I have never questioned my feelings about Sam. What I have questioned has been having to move the boys at this point in their lives. Sam said he thought I would be settling by moving to be with him. I'm not sure why he feels this way now when some months ago he told me that I had to move since I had no other choice. Wasn't that settling back then? I've never looked at it that way. It is a difficult situation because of moving out-of-state with the boys having to transfer schools.

I still have no question of Sam's integrity or intentions. He told me he was speaking from the heart. He has always been a man of his word and I trust him. But it was painful for me to hear him say last night that it would be easier to split up if it doesn't work out if we're not married than if we are.

Now I feel as though a can of worms has been opened. If we relocate and it doesn't work out, it would be incredibly difficult to come back, especially from a financial position. I have to consider that too. I also have to come to terms with my indecision over this and how it has impacted Sam. But that is all part of the only parent curse. He has an ex-wife with whom to co-parent. I don't and that has resulted in much agony the past weeks.

I was in the common area doing laundry and met a lovely, grandmother also doing her wash. We got to talking and I told her a little about what is going on. She knowingly nodded her head and shared that she moved out of the area when her son was 17. He ended up running back to Chicago and lived with a friend. He was not going to school and she moved back to get him straightened out and in school again. She was like an angel sent to me, a gift. She related that it is a difficult situation with kids the ages of my boys and maybe all we need is some more time to adjust. Sam has suggested that maybe we give the moving another try at the end of the school year or summer and see if that will make it easier for the boys.

Sam told me he would send me what money he can to help out and that we will see how our relationship progresses with the distance between us. He is trying to be as open-minded as possible. But in the meantime I am still stressing to the max about finances and the fear of just not being able to make it here. My angel said that it is hard trying to make it on one's own without a spouse. It was so nice to be speaking face-to-face with someone who knows and understands. She told me I was lucky to have found someone. I totally agree.

Part of me just wants to run into Sam's arms tonight and say we will make it. It might be hard, there may be a period of adjustment but it will work out. I don't want to lose this man but as my angel said, I don't want to lose my sons either.

There would be no conflict here is Sam had remained in the area. His move out-of-state has been the monkey wrench. I feel angry and resentful about that. Why would the Universe bring me this guy and then have him move away? Why does this widow have to endure even more hardship? When will it ever end? What I long for is a life with a partner and some basic financial security. I don't understand why there has to be so much torment to reach that goal. I don't think I'm asking for all that much. I don't want to be rich, just secure. I just want a decent, nice man (he can have flaws and be imperfect). After traveling so long on roads that are rocky, unplowed and dangerous, it would just be nice to have one in front of me where there are no potholes - a smooth and easy drive, even for a little stretch.

Bad Mother Either Way

So I guess this is what I have determined to be the real question here - which one makes me a bad mother?

1. To stay in Ill. so the boys can stay at their existing HS where they are doing well academically and socially as well as in their sports.

or

2. To move out-of-state to a HS the boys are having extreme difficulty adjusting to. They will probably end up not being able to play any sports the duration of HS.

1. If I stay we are poor, to the point of me needing to use food banks for all of our food this month. I do not have the money for food. It is my reality. Even figuring out how I will be able to get some gas will be a challenge.

or

2. If we move, it would be less of a financial struggle and I would feel supported by Sam.

In any case, once I get a job at either location life will be greatly improved. But it will be hard to look for work on my own and then start in with the full-time hours and go with that grind here by myself. It would be far easier to live with Sam while working because there would be two of us on the home front instead of just me. I haven't worked full-time for years.

A lot hinges on how quickly I can find a job. I sit for the CNA certification on 1/14. But regardless, it looks like the month of Jan. would be very lean and mean and cold.

So back to the question. Is it better to keep the boys here where they have the stability of school, friends and community and the unpredictable nature of having to rely on food pantries? Or, better to move the boys where it will screw up their academics and possibly their chances at any sports scholarships for college but at least we will have more food and I'll have the support of Sam?

Which one makes me a worse mother? Knowingly moving into poverty or knowingly screwing up lives so as to avoid poverty? Or will I be a bad mother either way, so at this point does it really matter what I decide?

Only Parent Curse

My husband was an only child as was his father and even his grandfather! My father's sibling was a brother and my Mom's a half-brother she was never close to and whom died in mid-adulthood. Besides my sister and two brothers there is not much family for me to rely on. I suppose in some ways that has been the reason for the new parenting style I adopted after my husband's death. I was always what you would describe a very affectionate, doting, and involved mom to my sons. But when I became an only parent my focus on the boys increased and I became an overprotective and extremely committed mother overnight.

There was no one else to share the parenting chores or worry - mainly the worry. That is what will end up eating you alive. Will the boys make the baseball team, will they pass their math class, will they be safe as they start driving, will I be able to keep them protected and happy on my own? It is a double-edged sword. Not having a partner or family to rely on forces one to take on more than is probably humanly possible. Knowing that you're the only one out there raising and caring about these kids makes one even more committed to the task.

It is very trying to be the only one making major decisions for your children. I have such a fear of making a wrong one. These boys have already gone through way more than most kids their ages will ever encounter. I agonize over my decisions because in the end, my greatest hope is that these boys will be spared more pain and suffering.

I now worry about the boys being able to get into college. What will they study? How will we afford it? What kind of future can I provide for these boys continuing to parent and live on my own? There is no ex-husband to call and say, "We need to meet at the school counselor's office to discuss Junior's bad attitude." Or, "I need some more help here. Can you take the boys an extra weekend so I can have some time to myself. I need to regroup and recharge."

There is such pressure on me to raise these boys to the best of my abilities. But when you can't share some of that responsibility it wears and breaks you down. That is where I'm at right now. No one to mull it over with, talk it out, decide together on the best course of action. Just me.

"It takes two to tango." "Two heads are better than one." Yes, I believe all those sayings. I'm so tired and worn out now. I'm not sure how much I can trust myself with those decisions I have to still make.

You care and care and look out for the kids (even bigger ones) and then there is no one to help you. Just a little bit is needed. A hug, being brought a cup of tea, having someone remember to pick up a needed item up from the store. It is like running around on empty all day, every day for weeks, months, years on end. I just have to keep going for a little longer - gas don't run out on me, we're almost there... And more often than not, the gas gauge IS on empty! There is always a sense of anxiousness inside me, almost a sense of dread. Running on empty, always trying to be ahead of the game to fend off the potential evil forces.

I have come to know that everyone needs someone sometime to lean on and rely on. It is a given. I have needed help and tried to find it but have been turned down. When I told my second husband that I needed help cleaning out the garage to start the house selling process he sneered at me and growled, "You are so weak and pathetic." When I needed help for food and medical insurance, I was turned down for making pennies over the predetermined financial requirements. When I got the job at the big box store it was accepted based on my being given extra hours but that fell through very quickly. The food pantry I went to didn't have enough food to pass out!

And here is some irony - in the new state Sam lives in we would all qualify for free or reduced health insurance without a hitch. We are close to the free qualification but if I had to pay it would cost me only $40.00 monthly compared to the #350.00 I am currently paying out-of-pocket! Is that a kick in the pants or a sign that I need to move?

The point of my ramblings is just that I think all of us have times when we need to lean more rather than having others lean on us. But sometimes it is hard or maybe even impossible to find that. Except I believe I have with Sam. But he has had to move and now the boys are sobbing and screaming and wailing and blaming me for having to leave their school and community. So what is my choice now? They are each getting 3 Fs at the new school and one F on the report card disqualifies them from playing sports for a full year. Here at home they were passing with Bs and Cs.

Sam has given me the greatest gift by calling me this morning and telling me that if I decided to stay here in Illinois he will support that and we will work out a sort of "visitation" schedule to be together on weekends. But he honestly doubts I can make this work financially on my own and it will be expensive to drive back and forth 400 miles on alternating weekends. That will fall into my job category since he works on weekends.

Do I force the boys to move and then deal with the consequences whatever ends up happening because I want to live with Sam and try to assemble some sort of family life for all of us?

I have prayed for my deceased husband and my Mom to please come to me with some kind of message and advice but none have come forth. I have begged the Universe for guidance and a sense of direction but again, nothing is speaking to me. No inner or outer voice. Except to hear the sobs of anguish from my sons. And I am the only one listening. The curse of the only parent whose frustrated cursing is also unheard.