Friday, November 20, 2009

Free Catch-up Day

The Big Box Store made a mistake - I'd asked for Mon. off to study for my final but they thought I'd asked for today so now I'm off the schedule with a free day. I am going to tackle the storage shed and do the best I can with this extra, unexpected "free" time. Not working doesn't help financially but is the loss of $40.00 really going to make that much of a difference at this point in the grand scheme of things?

I talked to GF last night - about my hurt feelings, his defensiveness, etc. He truly did not think he was being unkind in his remarks to me about it being a no win situation whatever I end up doing. He explained that he was trying to tell me that if I end up staying, it will not be easy and may possibly be worse. He wanted me to be sure that I understood this. Since the guy has never intentionally said anything to be mean or hurt me, I have to take him at his word on this, although it may have not been the best thing to say. We all say dumb things - I certainly have - sometimes even on purpose and we have to be able to be forgiving. It didn't help that we are on the phone and not in person. Being physically together can help avoid misunderstandings.

About his defensiveness - I think men identify with their jobs in general more than women (women may derive greater identity from our personal relationships than men for example). GF took a huge blow to his ego and pride in losing his job and not being gainfully employed for the first time in 32 years. My therapist pointed out that he is probably reacting in a way to totally protect this current job - his feelings around it are so fragile and he is so worried about losing it that he will do nothing to rock the boat at this point.

It was not fair of me to bring him into all of this by asking him to post a response on this blog. As talking on the phone can be, this blogging can only show a part of us and the situation. Of course, our lives are much more dimensional and complicated than what can be described within a post. Readers can only have that narrow view, while I have the one that is based on intimately being with and knowing this person for the past year and a half. We also bring our own prejudices and experiences into the mix and all of us are so different. That is not to say that feedback isn't good or desired.

GF has told me terms of endearment and has offered his support. He does not like being compared to Husband #2 because he doen't feel he has acted in the same way. He has never threatened to leave me if I don't move as Husband #2 did. He repeated that his home will always be welcome to me whenever I arrive there. He is as frustrated by the lack of alternatives available to us as I am. he reminded me that he has never been critical or put me down for my fiancial position (as did Husband #2). He has been accepting of the boys and more than tolerant and patient.

It is GF who has said the being together will lighten both our loads. Life would be easier for us together rather than continuing to struggle on our own - there would be a better semblance of a "normal" life for both of us and our children. Heck, we might even be a bit happy along the way.


  1. You are right that being together with GF "should" lighten the load. IT must be incredibly tough to be so literally on your own, in fact it is a thing that scares me down the road when all of my family is gone (as I am the youngest). I am the person who commented the other day about reading all of your postings from the beginning. Since I have begun reading your blog I have felt such empathy for your situation. I just hope that if you chose to go to a new area with your sons that it turns out to be the right road for you. What I feel such concern about is GF not taking an active role in helping you move. You managed to do so for him, and I am just not understanding the complexities of why he can't return that favor. Money, time, and work was all an issue for you as well, but you did it. I understand how he may well feel a bit under siege from the responses you have recieved and you are right none of us out here truly knows your situation and we may all be interpreting it wrong. Because GF is not Husband #2. I just hope for your sake and your two sons sake that if you move, it works out for all of you.

  2. Thank you again for being so kind and responding. I wish I had a better explanation for GF feeling as though he cannot ask for the time off from work. He doesn't get two consecutive days off and I truly believe he can't do it because he believes it would put his new job in jeopardy. I'm not sure I agree with his reasoning but it is where he is at and I'm trying to "get" his perspective.

  3. I completely understand why GF can't ask for time off. It is a new job--he doesn't want to start off on the wrong foot and asking for time off, might be viewed as that by his employer. I soooo want you to move and be with him...I just worry about the boys reaction. I think that the move would be good for them in the long run, but they can't see that now and won't even consider it. They aren't thinking rationally and just being selfish and overly dramatic as teenagers tend to be. I just wish something would come along to make every thing clear to you--and a pathway open up for things to be easier. I guess I want a miracle for you.

  4. Jude - Thank you also for your kindness and concern. I too wish a miracle could come my way!