Zest as an Ingredient to Life

My girlfriend and I have a tradition for each dance our kids attend. After we go for the photo sessions, usually around 4-6 p.m., we treat ourselves out to dinner. My friend who is also divorced has a hard time at these events, as do I, because we are usually the lone parents in the sea of married couples.

Tonight we met up as we usually do, grateful for a time to vent, talk and commiserate. We each had two drinks and a nice meal. Our conversation quickly moved on to other topics after we got the dance out of the way. I guess you can say that we have tried to create an enjoyable time for ourselves to counteract a trying and difficult experience. We've rewritten a recipe by adding a dash of zest and fun to an otherwise humdrum and bland dish. We end up looking forward to the end of the day which for both of us is full of errands and dealing with anxious kids. I thought about my dinner at the photo session and it helped me get through the hand shaking and meeting of other parents. A little sprinkle of courage and strength - a celebration that we made it through as single moms yet again - that we did what we needed to for our kids.

Wouldn't it be lovely to really have a little bottle of "zest" to take out and sprinkle over myself when the going gets tough?

Lost Time

Here is a funny story. Well, not so funny too. I was going through old mail and came across a brochure for a weekend singles religious retreat. I kept thinking about it and decided to attend and became very excited about the opportunity. The group was for singles over 35 and although I thought I might be one of the older ones attending I was really looking forward to thoughtful Biblical study in front of a roaring fire and taking part of the free time activities offered including sledding and ice hockey. I was especially excited about the sledding part.

I went on line to register and saw that the registration was closed. But checking my calendar saw that I was still within the time period for registration. I figured that maybe the event was filled and decided to call the church after work to see if there was still a way I could attend.

When I got to work I realized that instead of it being the 19th of January, which for whatever reason was the date I thought it was, it was actually the 26th! The retreat registration was closed because the retreat had already occurred - last weekend! Where was/is my head? Part of me was questioning the dates with my mind thinking that it actually was later in the month. But somehow with all that was happening mid-month I lost a week.

I bring this up to shed light on the fact that those dealing with loss do suffer from strange mental relapses. Our minds are on overload trying to cope with grief AND manage the daily events of living which just don't stop. Yet the world expects us to continue functioning on all gears when some of the gears are shut down.

I can laugh at this strange occurrence but I do feel sad that I lost an opportunity to attend an event that would have been I am sure a good experience. It makes me realize that I'm ready to venture more out into the world and to start living much more actively than I have been. Or maybe its not that I am ready, it is just with the boys being older and more independent that I have the opportunity to start venturing out more. There will be other retreats and I will continue to meet more people.

I attended the knit club last night and am amazed at how much good it is doing me and how much I look forward to it all week long. I am knitting more and have met some interesting women. Last night one of the women asked me why I hadn't been more active on internet dating sites and I told her that when I've been on them, very few men have responded with interest to me. She was surprised and said she had a hard time believing that because I am "absolutely adorable!" I don't think anyone has ever described my looks like that - it must be my new cute haircut and glasses. The other week one of the women remarked that I look like a younger woman's sister who is very cute. I asked this young and pregnant woman how old she is guessing she was 31, which indeed she was. My comment back was how much of a compliment that was since I am 20 years this woman's senior at 51! And to be told that we could be sisters.

Those compliments on my appearance are so appreciated and needed. I don't get much feedback on how I really look and it was a huge boost to my ego. Makes me walk with an extra spring in my step and smile at the world more. I definitely see how much I have been missing not having social time out with the girls or a strong social network in which to interact with. We all need to hear compliments, to be told our knitted cowl neck warmer looks great, to hear we made someone's day... Better late than never. I have to cut myself some slack and to realize that with all that has gone on in my life it wasn't that possible to enter out socially until now. The time is now right and I am ready too. Both have to be in sync.

Slow And Simple

I find myself being drawn to all things simple. It is like my mind is too tired and needs a vacation from having to process too much. I am mindful of how exhausting it is to grieve both physically and mentally. I am functioning much better than I was in December but need to remember to keep taking little steps and not try to accomplish too much too soon.

For now, I am truly grateful to be able to do laundry, cook, wash my face before going to bed and floss my teeth. To tackle the dishes straight on instead of letting them sit in the sink. I am less likely to snap at one of the boys and I feel in more control and calm, even when life is still pretty harry.

I enjoyed cooking up a super crock pot meal this weekend that made our little home warm and inviting. I also baked a dump cake which I love because it is simply dumping three items into a pan.

Slow Cooker Italian Shredded Beef Hoagies (Betty Crocker)

2 lb beef boneless arm roast, trimmed of fat (I used a cooked turkey pot roast I already had in the freezer and this still tasted great)

2 medium onions, sliced (These really make the mixture tasty)

1 can (14.5 oz) Italian-seasoned diced tomatoes, undrained

1/4 cup tomato paste (I just used a small can of tomato sauce since I didn't have the paste)

8 Hoagie buns, toasted if desired

8 oz shredded mozzarella cheese

Place onions in bottom of slow cooker. Place meat on top of onions. Mix the tomatoes and sauce/paste and pour over meat. Cover and cook on low heat setting 8-10 hours. (Since my meat was already cooked, I just put the setting on high for a few hours.) Shred meat. Put mixture on buns and top with cheese.

Yeah, there is enough left for another dinner later in the week. It is also suggested, that you simply top pasta with the meat mixture if you don't want sandwiches.

3-Ingredient Pear Dump Cake

Coat 13 x 9 inch pan with cooking spray. Pour in large can of pears in heavy syrup (include syrup). I cut the pears up because they were in halves and spread out on the bottom of the pan. Top pears with a box of DRY white or yellow cake mix, spreading evenly. Top the cake mix with a stick of melted butter or margarine. Sprinkle nutmeg, cinnamon and sugar on top. Bake at 350 degrees for about 35-45 minutes. Serve warm with milk, cream or ice cream.

You can use whatever fruit you have - canned peaches, fruit cocktail, etc. or use fresh berries or pie filling. For the butter topping you can also put on pats or slices from a stick, spoon on soft margarine or even spritz sprays of butter flavored cooking spray. This is also good to reheat for breakfast.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Clean clothes.
2. Flannel sheets.
3. Freshly cleaned bathrooms.
4. Being gifted two huge loaves of Italian bread from my oldest's girlfriend, whose family gets them from their neighbors, owners of a bakery.
5. My son's ceramic pots and vases he made this semester in his ceramics class. I am enjoying decorating with them.

Thanksgiving "Break"

I am taking the day off and purposely going to try and not think too much, process everything, figure out problems or fret about the future. I am just going to try and be - to keep my mind blank and neutral. A bit of a rest from all the turmoil swirling around my head and body. Unless they've had to grieve a terrible loss, I don't think others realize the amount of inner work going on inside our brains. There is constant motion, never ceasing. Over and over our minds say, "What if," and/or "I miss him so much," and/or "I just want my old life back" and/or "I don't think I can go on." Our inner pain seems endless because we can't turn it off. When we go to bed (if we can sleep), we sometimes end up having dreams or nightmares. We wake up thinking about our loss/losses, during the day these thoughts consume us and then at night we toss and turn in loneliness. No break. And then on top of the grieving thoughts we have to figure out how to do things we've never done before, we have to live in new and unfamiliar ways and we have to make backup plans. Talk about overloaded minds and brains!

Today I wish everyone a bit of a break and respite from the thoughts swirling around within.

And to those who will be with a grieving loved one or know one, please take a moment to see beyond the person in physical form. Recognize that there is so much going on within and take a moment to give an embrace and demonstrate some compassion, comfort and love. No words are necessary and a gesture can be as simple as bringing someone a plate of pie and coffee or gently touching their cheek or holding their hand for a moment.