Signs of Spring and March

Throughout my life, even as a child, I have disliked the month of March. It has been my least favorite month. Here around Chicago and in the Midwest, March is a gloomy, grey, cold, dreary, ugly time period. There is still the potential for snowstorms/blizzards (my brother was born in one in mid-March), and then there will be the odd spring-like day of sun and warmth. To me, it is a bizarre month because it is not quite spring and not quite winter and I don't like things to not be something more specific!

But through widowhood, I have come to appreciate this month and January has replaced it as the one I most dread (because of the constant scraping and worry about snow, plus extreme cold). March has become a beacon for me - a goal to look forward to when January hits. "If I can just hold out to March, spring will be right around the corner and the worst of it will be over." I know now that if it snows, the snow will soon melt and I have been hearing the birds again whose chirps and twittering have been absent all winter.

And this may be a new record for me - the woman who loses half a dozen gloves a season - only three missing gloves this year! I have a stash of those gloves you can buy in inexpensive pairs at Target (usually snapped up at the end of the season for next to nothing just for this reason).

Spring Overnight!

Over the past two weeks we have gone from winter to spring. In fact, this really happened in one day on April 1st. Although I love the flowers, new light green leaves and fragrant breezes, having to figure out what to wear has been a challenge. I am never prepared for the changes in seasons. My life these past few years has been so chaotic and disorganized, I limp through the seasons doing my best to throw together suitable outfits. There have been summers where I never got my clothes unpacked out of the storage bags. And so it goes, another new season where I feel unprepared and flying by the seat of my pants.

With moving in fall, I've apparently "lost" some of my warmer weather clothing. I suppose they're buried in one of the storage sheds. By the time I locate them it will be fall again so I'm not even going to make much of a search effort. I could also use some new items but that is another story since I won't be buying any again this summer. I continue to make do with whatever I have and while it does make me feel thrifty, it would be nice to have something new.

I see women in my community out and about in their shorts, sandals and tank tops and wonder how on earth they have it together to be wearing these things so early in the season! I still have sweaters with snowflakes hanging in my closet now. I would so much like and I long for a more organized life where I can go straight to whatever location houses my seasonal clothes to pull out when needed. This all started when my husband became ill and three years of chaos resulted with his hospitalizations, chemo and home care. Then his death and widowhood prompted more chaos, then getting remarried/divorced and having to move resulted in still more!

Part of the shift in seasons upsets me because I now have a hard time adjusting to change. I do better when I can ease into changes. When we go from winter to spring/summer in just a day I kind of freak out. I wonder if it has to do with how I have felt since widowhood. One day I'm married with a husband and the next I am a widow. That kind of abruptness brings on a great deal of personal upset to me. I'm just not quick on the draw anymore where I am able to deal with such opposites gracefully. There is a part of me that tries to hold on to what I know and am comfortable with even if it is colder weather.

Come fall, I'll be hanging on to summer by wearing my flip flops and shorts until Thanksgiving!

Easter Widowhood Parody

I was struck by how much Easter Sunday seemed to resemble/represent widowhood.

I worked the weekend (Sat., Sun. & Mon.) and left for work on Sunday at 5:30. Driving to work at that hour on Easter I was pretty much the only car out on the road except for the odd police cruiser. It reminded me of how lonely and dark widowhood can be. Really out on your own, all alone amid such a big world. No one can tell us how to navigate the widowhood path. We have to forge our own way. I visioned myself in this way as my car lights cut a path into the darkness ahead of me.

I was also reminded, driving in the dark morning hour, of all those sleepless nights where I'd toss and turn until 3:00 a.m. or when I'd wake up at the hour and just end up staying awake the rest of the night.

I didn't really mind working on Easter since I was off at 2:00. But I did feel that it was a reminder of how once we are widowed, our lives are not the same. Holidays no longer resemble what they were. This was an odd ball holiday for me - but really, since widowhood I'm not sure there has been one that has been "normal" or that felt right/comfortable. There was that sense I often have of feeling like I have to fit into another world.

After work, we were supposed to go to my brother's for dinner. But my oldest wanted to be with his girlfriend and my youngest didn't really want to go. I would have gone and had my youngest join me but I was so exhausted I couldn't muster up the strength to drive home, freshen up and then make the half-hour drive to his house. I did not believe I had the stamina to make small talk and act pleasant - yes, I was that drained.

In the past, I would have forced myself to attend but no more. I can't pretend to be superwoman anymore. I can no longer try to please others at my own expense.

As it was, I picked up a takeout Mexican dinner for my youngest and I - I had a two-for-one coupon. They served ham, yams, fresh green beans, egg/potato salad and coconut cream pie at the nursing home and that sure looked traditional and yummy! Again, I thought about how widowhood robs us of small, simple pleasures like this. I was too tired to prepare a real meal and too tired to go to family. What a sad reality. Hopefully, my youngest will have a girlfriend next year to bail him out of a pathetic Easter dinner with his sad, tired mom! Then both boys can eat their holiday meals with their girlfriends!

It was a hard day for me. Work is tough, I'm on my feet eight hours straight and doing a lot of lifting, pushing, running and so on. Again, an apt description of widowhood. The exhaustion along with the challenge of having to do everything by oneself. And interesting enough, I'm working at a job that is a totally one of being a care giver. But at the same time, there is the reality that I'm not on the receiving end of that chain. I'm only being observant and real here - not going the pity party route. But I've had to parent and raise my sons on my own with very little support of any kind. And doing so has been very difficult for me - talk about running on empty all the time and feeling like you're constantly running in place.

Is it possible to view this day with a positive spin on it? Might be worth an attempt to see if I can swing that but I worked today and am so tired I can no longer think to give it a try. Maybe tomorrow.

Easter 2010

I had a bit of a downer this Easter. It seems with every "holiday" or special occasion that I feel in a funk. Maybe it was prompted by all the t.v. ads showing intact families frolicking around on hillsides covered with blooming spring flowers. Or the ones showing families out on shopping excursions buying their Easter outfits or racing around searching for hidden eggs. Anyway, I experienced those feelings of loss that come upon me during these times. Feeling incomplete and lonely. Feeling that our little family of three is lacking because of the huge hole that exists with our husband/dad no longer here to fill it and make us the family we once were.

These family portrayals on t.v. and in print advertisements depict the ideal or image of what a family unit is. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce there are many other versions of families out there - it would be nice to sometimes see these real families in ads. And part of me is angry for buying into this fantasy. For feeling bad because my family isn't the "ideal," whatever that is anyway. But I guess that is the whole point of advertising. It makes us want that ideal we don't have. But in my case, I could care less about the pretty shoes or clothes - I want the man and life we all once had - when we could have been that cute family holding hands and skipping down the street in our new spring outfits.

I used to go all out for the boys BW (Before Widowhood). They always received huge baskets filled with toys in addition to candy. This year I picked up a token acknowledgment of the day - they each got a package of Reese's Eggs, a crispy rice chocolate bunny and a cookies & cream bunny - grand total of about $3.50!

Again as with Valentine's Day, when I was out and about, all my eyes seemed to pick up on was families with both parents and kids together or couples. Funny how that seems to happen.

I surely did not expect to get hit with this on Easter. This is a celebration that has other meanings both religious and then spring renewal and all. But I guess underneath those major themes is that of getting together and celebrating as family be it with an egg hunt, church service or brunch out.

As with Valentine's Day, I am finding that once the day passed, my mood improved and I felt less pressure surrounding my heart and soul. We survived it for another year at least.

I do wish these days were not so painful. Everyday has its challenges for us. Everyday a sense of loss is present. But on major holidays/celebrations the ghosts that haunt us seem to be more intense. Which is really kind of a slap in the face because to some extent these events exist in our culture to serve as days to lift our spirits and give us breaks from the tedium of our lives.