Clean Sweep

A few years ago, I watched a British television series called "Clean Sweep" about organizing your home and de-cluttering. A team went into people's homes and pretty much cleared out the excess which was put into this machine called "the Crusher!" There was always a garage sale (in Britain they call them car boot sales) too. I really didn't like the show for a couple of reasons. I remember one episode where the team made a poor guy clear out his beloved childhood collection of Beatrix Potter figures. The guy was allowed to keep a few of his figures and was just crying. For Pete's sake, I thought, let him have his collection which was nicely displayed in a cabinet!

Then I remember an episode where an older middle-aged woman had lost her husband five years before. She had a boyfriend and they were living together or moving in together or something like that. The team just blasted this poor woman for not having cleaned up the clutter in her life (including all that remained from her deceased husband). I remember the woman gave the explanation that life had just moved on too quickly after her husband died and she hadn't been able to keep up. I think my husband had been dead a few years and I totally understood this woman's predicament. Too bad the Clean Sweep crew wasn't more sympathetic or understanding.

I feel very much this woman now as I go through the house and try to move on. It is going on six years since the death of my husband and so much happened that got in the way after his death as fate would have it (aging parents, a sick child, work, remarriage, divorce, my Mom dying, solo parenting...). Just as this woman in the Clean Sweep series, life kind of overtook me. For the longest while, one of the spare bedrooms downstairs couldn't be used because during my husband's three-year illness, whenever I didn't have a place for something I just threw it in there. That continued after his death too. I would stand at the door and throw whatever I didn't want to deal with in the room! I am totally serious about this, although I am laughing as I now write. Looking back it is so sad and funny - I am sure the Clean Sweep crew would have had a hey day about that one.

It is very hot and humid today and I've concentrated on getting rid of clothes in the spare closet so I can work upstairs in the air conditioning. It is hard for me to get rid of stuff in the first place and I struggle weeding out things now, especially anything that brings back a memory of my deceased husband. Today though I have the rule going on that I have to get rid of ANY clothing item with a drawstring waist. Why I even have a fair number of clothes with drawstring waist bands is troubling to me because they are not too flattering. But I guess they date back to the days of my husband's illness when I was so busy caring for him and the kids that I didn't have time to shop for myself and would just grab stuff off the racks without even trying them on. It strikes me as very appropriate and timely to pass those items on to the Goodwill donation center - they're from a painful part of my life and should be swept out!

Today I am grateful:

1. That hot weather naturally induces my desire to eat better and less, so I'm thinner in summer.
2. That the spare bedroom I talked about has been long cleared out and my oldest uses it as a music room for his drum set.
3. That even though it is hot and sticky at least it is not cold and snowing.
4. That I have a job and it has helped me get acclimated to the work force after time off.
5. For light body spray fragrances you can spritz on all day to cool off and freshen up.

Use Love to Burn Through Grief

I read about the concept of "using love as a deliberate strategy for dealing with the pain of an unacceptable loss" in Dr. Ira Byock's book, "The Four Things That Matter Most." He suggests that when you are grieving to "respond to anguish with love." To do this, "each time a wave of grief threatens to tear you apart, ask yourself, "What does love ask of me now?" How can you be more loving toward the person who is dying or has died, and to other important people in his or her life? How can you be more loving toward yourself?"

This way of thinking blew me away! I thought about how I could use it not only for the grieving times (of which there are many) in my life but for all the moments in my day. If I have to make a decision, I can strive to do so within the context of love. If I am dealing with a trying situation at work, I can call on this perspective for support. If I am having a tough time coping, I can ask myself to be gentler, all in the name of love.

"What does love ask of me now?" is a great way for me to keep focused, motivated and cognizant of the power of love which needs to be a greater part of all our lives. In closing his chapter on this topic, Dr. Byock adds, "Death makes us aware of the importance of the people we love and the sustaining force of love in our lives. When someone close to us is dying or has died, we can use love to burn through our grief and come to a place of gratitude for each other and being alive." Such powerful ideas and words. I really like the concept of having love burn though our grief. The mental image I see of this alone is awesome!

Today I am grateful:

1. To be alive.
2. To have shared the time I had with my late husband.
3. That I am still searching for answers and growing.
4. For Drumstick icecream cones.
5. That it is summer and not winter.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I have decided to devote the next month to "healing." My personalized plan will involve trying to get through all the excess "stuff" in my house. Right now I feel so buried under. I think/hope that if I can clear some of the old stuff out, it will improve my outlook and help me move forward. The last few years have been so busy I haven't had the time or opportunity to clear out all the old clothing, books and toys that have accumulated. Then, on top of that, there is still some sorting to do of my deceased husband's possessions. As well as boxes and bags remaining from my parent's home. This is all bad enough but yesterday I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's home and these need to be organized and put away too. Quite a job ahead of me! But I am bound and determined to get this done once and for all!

This is the first time I have really felt up to the challenge. I so want to clear out all the old so what remains is what is useful and functional for our current life. This plan is making me feel motivated and in control. Every little bit will help - anything that I can move out of here will free some of the stagnant air that is smothering us. I am on my way out to donate today's load to Goodwill - 14 pairs of my old pants that are too big for me; 2 pairs of capri pants (too big); 2 skirts (too big) and a very nice black raincoat (since my husband died I refuse to wear black - I don't even carry a black purse anymore). And a pair of boy's novelty Homer Simpson slippers. My goal is to try and take at least a bag of stuff over to the Goodwill every day. We'll see how I do.

The other part of my healing plan is to knit as much as possible. Knitting is supposedly as therapeutic as meditation and at this point I don't have much time to devote to just sitting still. But I can knit and watch t.v. at the same time. Author Laurie Perry describes in her book, "Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair - The True-Life Misadventures of a 30-Something Who Learned to Knit After He Split," how focusing both on cleaning and knitting help her transition through her divorce.

"Getting Over" Grief

You just don't wake up one morning and find that you've gotten over your grief. Why do we refer to grief as something that we need to "get over?" Where exactly is it supposed to go? What exactly are we supposed to replace it with? And how about all those time lines we think we have to adhere to? That once the first year has passed, we should be magically recovered. It isn't that simple and doesn't work that way. Life can throw in some complications.

In my situation, life events prevented me from attending to most of the duties associated with my husband's death so I am four years behind the process of getting over it! A year after his death, my youngest son was diagnosed with a heart condition and the next nine months were spent in and out of hospitals again. Then, when we could finally breathe a sigh of relief my parents became very ill and I spent two years as their main caregiver before my mom died and my dad went into a long term care facility. And all of those duties occurred simultaneously as I tried to navigate my new life as a newly widowed mom with two boys, ages 9 and 10. I also got remarried and did my best to negotiate a long distance marriage while getting my home ready to sell so we could move out of state. That was in addition to helping with the sale and clean out of my parent's large home. Maybe a little too much on my plate the past five years...

So, it wasn't until this past June that I finally had the time and energy to start going through my husband's possessions. It took me two weeks to get through the library and 20 years of old tax/financial documents. My deceased husband was divorced and with a son when we married so there were many items from that marriage to dispose of too. Husband #2 was exceedingly irritated at how I was going about the process. He felt that I should just take all the records/documents and throw them in the trash but I found out of respect for my husband (and first wife) that I needed to shred those containing personal information. Overall, the process was long overdue for me and very healing - lots of crying and reminiscing. But at one point in the middle of this difficult process, Husband #2 angrily accused me of not being over the death of Husband #1. I remember angrily replying that I would never be over his death and why would I even want to be?

At that moment, I realized that at least for me, grief is not something you ever get over. And I do not want to be over it. This man was my husband and father of my children - I nursed him and stood by his side during the painful years of his illness and death. To be over him would represent the opposite of what I truly felt for him. It is an honor for me to not be over his death. Somehow by saying I am over it would mean that I am over loving him. Because we never stop loving people - even after they die.

That is not to say that I want to be mired in grief. I have moved on but that is different from saying, "I'm over it." I think that instead of getting over a death what happens is that we learn to live with it and incorporate the pain into our daily lives. It does not mean forgetting. We learn to manage our lives despite the loss. It means living with pain while at the same time focusing on the future.

Life moves forward and the pain lessens, is not so intense. A few days after my husband died, the boys and I heard something funny and I laughed. My youngest asked, "Mom, why are you laughing? Dad just died," and I replied that what we had heard was funny and it was o.k. to laugh. A good lesson at the time for us. And a good example of what I am trying to convey - that life goes on even in the midst of grief and somehow you have to balance the pain of the past with the progress of living. So sometimes you end up laughing and crying at the same time. But that doesn't mean that one day you just wake up to find the pain all gone and that you're over it. There is no pill to take that will ever accomplish that.

Today I am thankful:

1. That the projected blizzard that was supposed to hit us apparently missed us!
2. That the sun has just come out!
3. That I have learned to live with my grief.