This topic has been on my mind for a long time. I want to relate it because I continue to believe that I should stop this blog or change its direction. And I want these feelings down for the record. May 1st is my goal for blog shut down.
My husband was married for 12 years when his wife had an affair with her boss for about 9 months - he never knew and when he found out was devastated. They had all been friends including the wife of the boss for many years and often socialized together. I was 10 years younger than my husband and the two wives and 20 years younger than the boss - the new kid on the block. I also had not had children yet.
To my husband, my being age 30 to his 40, made me somewhat of a trophy wife. When we went out together people often thought I was my husband's daughter. The two couples had kids - lets just say I didn't know then what I know now. But what I did and still know was how unacceptable having an affair was to my conscience. I witnessed what the long-term ramifications were over the years. They are far reaching and in the end even had an impact on my two children.
I have to say that I didn't and still don't hold much respect for an educated and professional woman who conducted herself in such a dishonest manner. If I were married and considering an affair I would be honest about it. It was the deception that really tormented my husband. But I relate all of this just for some background in terms of what I really want to discuss.
What bothered me was the fact that my husband's first wife made no effort to save her marriage. She wanted out and got out. And I'm not even sure there was ever a real reason she wanted out in the first place. My husband was a very hard working, decent, honorable man. He was the main caregiver for their son during the early infant years and then when the wife returned to school in pursuit of a doctorate. At the time of the divorce, their son was nine. There was never any emotional, physical or substance abuse involved.
My husband begged for counseling which the wife flatly refused to do. She left their home on Thanksgiving (really, could she have made it any worse?) and my husband started back dating in December. He and I met through the old way they used to conduct personals - by print ads published in the newspaper and where you first corresponded by mail. We had our first date in early February and married on October 20th. And the wife was furious! Her divorce had been finalized in July but it was still dragging out with her boss/lover. They ended up marrying in January.
I'll leave mention out of the early years of our marriage when the ex caused a great deal of strain with unfair visitation requests and the like. In fact, she was also furious when I got pregnant because she felt that the old agreement in place during her marriage (to only have one child) should still be upheld by my husband! She became very bitter when I had our second son.
Cut ahead to the recent past. I meet Sam whose wife left him under similar conditions, although he denies she had an affair. He also has a son, age nine. Again, similar circumstances - her desire for a divorce comes out of the blue, she refuses counseling. As I started to get to know Sam I was struck by the deja vu quality of the situation. And like my husband, Sam had been the main caregiver for his son through the years, taking six months off when his son was born to stay at home and then working jobs that allowed him to be off with his son in the afternoons after school.
I would characterize both wives as being strong, driven, independent and career-orientated women. I, on the other hand, am more dependent, less driven and not that interested in career goals. I am more focused on family and doing for others.
I could say that perhaps these women are more selfish than I, that they look out for their own interests more than I do. I just know that divorce is not always the answer and I would have made an attempt at counseling. Again, I don't feel Sam really ever got a specific reason as to why his wife wanted the divorce. Both women had never given the men any warning prior to their announcements that they were leaving their marriages ahead of time. To me, that is probably the worst aspect of all because it showed that good, open and honest communication was not in place - and that is necessary for any relationship to be successful.
Sam's ex-wife got remarried as soon as the divorce was final and relocated some months later out-of-state taking Sam's son who has since been diagnosed with Autism. In my case with my husband, the ex and her new husband ended up living down the block and there were problems related to the proximity of our lives/homes. We were always running into one another and sometimes that was uncomfortable because we had no space or distance between us. So I'm not sure living nearby is always the best option either - but I suppose for the children it is.
I ended up getting my Master's Degree in counseling because I wanted to work with families struggling with blended family adjustment. That was because of the horrors I witnessed as the result of this divorce and broken family. But again I regress. What truly gets me more than anything about these women is that they went from one husband to the next without missing a beat. In fact, my husband's first wife had been briefly married before and the ink on that divorce wasn't even dry before she was engaged to my husband.
I know comparisons are totally fruitless and I know I get too caught up in the unfairness of life. But it upsets me to no end to see women that I think have been less than honorable go on with their lives without much regard for the consequences, especially toward their children. This is all along the lines of the bad people getting the prize when they don't deserve it. Although my husband's wife was very attractive and had a high ranking/well paying job in administration, Sam's wife is just average in looks and even overweight - yet she managed to marry a man 10 years her junior!
AND THIS IS THE REAL KICKER - THESE WOMEN HAVE NEVER HAD TO SLEEP ALONE! That is what really upsets me here. They went from one man to another without ever having to experience the loneliness and discomfort of a big Queen or King bed when there is only one person sleeping in it.
Sleeping alone is what is slowly killing me, I think. I have reached the point where I can't stand it anymore. I don't feel I ever get a good night's of sleep - this has been going on for years and is taking a huge toll on my physical and emotional health. I just don't feel comfortable, safe or secure sleeping alone. Every night it is like I am only half sleeping because my brain and hearing doesn't completely shut off. I am never fully rested. What a sad realization to be making about my life as a widow because sleep is something we take so for granted. And yet it is also so necessary and vital for our well being.
I remember the distress I felt when I first learned that Sam's wife had gotten remarried. The first thought I had was of outrage that she had gotten the turn that should have gone to a still single widow out there who wanted to get remarried. The widows had paid their dues but not this woman. And that she gotten a man who loved her and was willing to marry her while I still struggle with men who don't want marriage or commitment - and that he was so much younger! It was a lot for me to swallow.
As much as I dislike what these women did to my husband and Sam and their sons (and even me and my sons too) I do now look at their actions and decisions in a new way. Yes, they were selfish and perhaps unthinking of others. But they went after what they wanted and got it. They had an advantage of still being married and not having to move from their homes or deal with financial crisis because of that. Add those hardships to the mix along with some exhaustion and depression from having to deal with solo parenting and grief/loss and you have some pretty depleted women like me - barely able to have the energy to go out on dates, yet not wanting to sleep alone anymore. Looking back, I wish I had thrown myself into the dating arena sooner then I did while I still had money to afford haircuts, clothes and manicures - and still some hope, energy and optimism besides - plus fewer gray hairs. But beating myself up over that is wasted energy that needs to be focused elsewhere.
I've been struggling the past weeks with the awareness of how damaging my negativity is and not knowing how to redirect it. Do I just let myself slide into a deep depression and stay there awhile? Do I make myself think and act as positively as possible, even though in the beginning it will be forced? Do I just forget about grieving, period? Give myself a break from self-reflection, healing and growth? Looking back and observing the actions of these two women, so similar to one another has provided me with some insight into my quest for these answers. Throughout my life I have always taken care of others and put my needs and desires aside. Maybe it is time to be a bit selfish - not in destructive and damaging ways but to make a point of really caring for myself, my needs and desires. To not do anything I really don't want to do. To focus on healing myself mentally and physically as best I can with the limitations of our finances and being an only parent.
One of my other close girlfriends and I chatted and caught up on the phone the other day. I have always been amazed by her energy and she is older than I am. She works full time, has three kids (one away in college). She too divorced last year. But throughout her life as a married woman and now newly single woman, she has always made time for herself. In fact, she goes out every Friday night with girlfriends and Saturday nights are reserved for her guy friend, whom she has been seeing almost a year now. When we last talked, I brought up how even years ago I was amazed that she made herself such a priority since I struggle to do that for myself. She replied that she knew early on that to be a good parent, she'd have to devote time for herself and as long as her kids are safe and taken care of she feels as though she has done her job.
I know that even years ago I questioned that she wasn't spending as much quality time with her kids that I thought she should. But she is a different person than I am and we have unique personalities and life histories. I have always been a more involved parent. I would never have sought a divorce without undergoing some pretty heavy duty therapy/marriage counseling. And she, like the two woman I've depicted here, refused any counseling with her husband. Even though I would never have acted in the ways these woman did, nor will I ever agree with their decisions, I can take something worthwhile from them. They did think of themselves and even put themselves first. For me to do that even some of the time would be a huge risk and change in my life!
So, I have come to the realization that for me, my future path will not involve dissolving into deep despair or depression - nor will it involve faking my way into optimism and hope. Rather, I'm going to take the next few weeks/months and devote them to healing my mind, body and soul. And that will center on thinking of my needs and trying to devote as much as attention as I can to them. I don't want to ponder so much about grief and loss anymore. I want a break from it. I need a break from it. I have started some self-study in the area of happiness, positive thinking and overcoming negativity. And I have found some points that have struck home for me that will be helpful. So in a way, the next step for me on this journey is to continue that study and see where it leads me. Not to forget about the great amount of grief and loss that has occurred in my life the past few years, but to transcend that and focus on a different level - if that makes any sense.
I might continue to blog with that as my goal - it would be a good way to keep track of my progress - but I think it would need to be a different and new blog and not part of this one. It would almost be breaking free of the issues and feelings that have been a part of this blog.
Anyway, I have always wanted to post about this topic and the two ex-wives of the men I was involved with - how similar the situations were, even down to the ages of the two sons. But a prior post would have just centered on the selfishness of these women and the unfairness of life in general. Now, I see it all in a new light. Not that I will ever agree with the divorces that resulted. But I can see that I can make some choices that involve what is good for me. Life shouldn't be all about what makes us happy, nor should it be about just making other people happy. These women have shown me that I need to spend some time and attention on me for awhile - I've never really done that EVER. And it is time. And I think it is what will end up being a very healing component in my life right now. And hopefully that will lead to other big changes in my life involving renewed hope and optimism AND not having to sleep alone!
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Flowers
It was prom weekend for my oldest. A tough one for me because along with having to pay H & R Block, there were the expenses for tux rental, flowers, hair cut, gas, after prom party, etc. I was stressing a bit about that because the finances were really strained this month. But at the same time I wanted this to be special for my son so I couldn't freak out too much.
The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.
I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.
It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.
Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.
Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.
I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.
I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!
The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.
I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.
It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.
Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.
Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.
I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.
I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Envy
I've done some processing since Valentine's Day when I was so painfully cognizant of all the middle-aged couples around me. At that time I would have labeled my feelings as being jealous of those couples being in love. But I wasn't really jealous that those fortunate folks had love in their lives. Rather, I was envious of them because of the stability and security they have within their marriages.
The number one thing I miss most about being married was that stability and security. To be in a long-term relationship that withstood the test of time. As my husband lay unconscious and dying, I was able to speak to the hospital staff and make known his wishes. Because I knew my husband so intimately and deeply I knew without a shadow of a doubt that what I was conveying was what he would have wanted. So that is what I see when I look at couples together. The stability and strength they have in their marriages, their commitment to one another and that they have a person to lean on in good times and bad.
I wish everyone love. We all deserve it and we all should have it in our lives. We deserve to be told that we are loved and to be nurtured and accepted by others as we nurture and accept those we love.
The definition of envy is: 1: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 2.: an object of envious notice or feeling
The definition of jealousy is: 1.: demanding complete devotion 2.: fearful or suspicious of a rival or competitor : feeling a spiteful envy toward someone more successful than oneself 3.: suspicious that a person one loves is not faithful 4.: Watchful, Careful
As I read these definitions I see my longings for a life joined with someone as envious, not jealousy. I am not spiteful or really angry at others who have this. And I certainly do not wish ill will or harm toward others. Rather, the softened way to view this is that I do have a painful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another and I sure do want that in my life too!
Some weeks ago I came across in one of my self-help books, the notion that envy is not the bad devil we are always led to believe. All of us have been told since we were kids not to be jealous. But this author said we should pay attention to those times when we are envious and they used the word envy instead of jealous. By tuning into ourselves when we have these feelings, we become aware of what we are really seeking and want for our lives. This concept has softened the way I was feeling around Valentine's Day. I was not bitter or mean spirited; rather I was tuned into what I really want for my life and what is now absent.
It is interesting because often when I am reading a newspaper, magazine, catalogs or even junk mail, I tear out or keep pictures of middle-aged couples together. I keep reading and hearing about creating collages of what we want to bring into our lives. So I want to start putting those pictures of happy couples walking hand-in-hand onto a poster board - all these pictures aren't doing any good sitting in piles of paperwork. These photos don't make me sad - rather they inspire me. And they raise the hope inside me that makes me aspire to having that type of committed and long-term relationship I had with my husband again, sometime in my future (hopefully sooner than later).
I will also put photos of places I want to visit because my love for travel has been solely lacking in my life these past years. And some photos of antiques because I want to get back to collecting my glassware that made me so happy just looking at it and touching it (the ex-husband got the entire collection that we built up together) and I've been collecting it again in little dribs and drabs, here and there. And I might put some pictures of libraries on there to nurture my baby dream of going to work at a library in the future. I plan on starting my poster tonight and putting it up in front of the sink where I'll see it often everyday since I can't escape those dishes or making meals for the boys and I.
Also, I am going to start stopping by the local yarn shops I love more frequently. And the bookstores. Just for some browsing and conversation with the sales clerks that know me. I'm going to hone in on trying to do more of what brings me little bits of pleasure during this tough time of transition for me, where I'm slowly but surely starting to make a little progress out of this hole I've landed in after falling so far and so hard. All small steps with the first being my poster which I'm becoming excited about starting. Who knows what other pictures may end up on it?
I am grateful:
1. That spring is definitely in the air.
2. That my oldest made the Varsity Volleyball team.
3. That I hit the motherload yesterday in the store and got some ground turkey, milk and cottage cheese all at half price. Yes, I am that woman who runs into the store every day to scout out the discounted specials - some days I go out emptyhanded but last night was worth the wait. 4. That I have the opportunity to relax tonight and watch a little t.v. while working on my dream poster.
5. That there is food in the pantry and freezer.
The number one thing I miss most about being married was that stability and security. To be in a long-term relationship that withstood the test of time. As my husband lay unconscious and dying, I was able to speak to the hospital staff and make known his wishes. Because I knew my husband so intimately and deeply I knew without a shadow of a doubt that what I was conveying was what he would have wanted. So that is what I see when I look at couples together. The stability and strength they have in their marriages, their commitment to one another and that they have a person to lean on in good times and bad.
I wish everyone love. We all deserve it and we all should have it in our lives. We deserve to be told that we are loved and to be nurtured and accepted by others as we nurture and accept those we love.
The definition of envy is: 1: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 2.: an object of envious notice or feeling
The definition of jealousy is: 1.: demanding complete devotion 2.: fearful or suspicious of a rival or competitor : feeling a spiteful envy toward someone more successful than oneself 3.: suspicious that a person one loves is not faithful 4.: Watchful, Careful
As I read these definitions I see my longings for a life joined with someone as envious, not jealousy. I am not spiteful or really angry at others who have this. And I certainly do not wish ill will or harm toward others. Rather, the softened way to view this is that I do have a painful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another and I sure do want that in my life too!
Some weeks ago I came across in one of my self-help books, the notion that envy is not the bad devil we are always led to believe. All of us have been told since we were kids not to be jealous. But this author said we should pay attention to those times when we are envious and they used the word envy instead of jealous. By tuning into ourselves when we have these feelings, we become aware of what we are really seeking and want for our lives. This concept has softened the way I was feeling around Valentine's Day. I was not bitter or mean spirited; rather I was tuned into what I really want for my life and what is now absent.
It is interesting because often when I am reading a newspaper, magazine, catalogs or even junk mail, I tear out or keep pictures of middle-aged couples together. I keep reading and hearing about creating collages of what we want to bring into our lives. So I want to start putting those pictures of happy couples walking hand-in-hand onto a poster board - all these pictures aren't doing any good sitting in piles of paperwork. These photos don't make me sad - rather they inspire me. And they raise the hope inside me that makes me aspire to having that type of committed and long-term relationship I had with my husband again, sometime in my future (hopefully sooner than later).
I will also put photos of places I want to visit because my love for travel has been solely lacking in my life these past years. And some photos of antiques because I want to get back to collecting my glassware that made me so happy just looking at it and touching it (the ex-husband got the entire collection that we built up together) and I've been collecting it again in little dribs and drabs, here and there. And I might put some pictures of libraries on there to nurture my baby dream of going to work at a library in the future. I plan on starting my poster tonight and putting it up in front of the sink where I'll see it often everyday since I can't escape those dishes or making meals for the boys and I.
Also, I am going to start stopping by the local yarn shops I love more frequently. And the bookstores. Just for some browsing and conversation with the sales clerks that know me. I'm going to hone in on trying to do more of what brings me little bits of pleasure during this tough time of transition for me, where I'm slowly but surely starting to make a little progress out of this hole I've landed in after falling so far and so hard. All small steps with the first being my poster which I'm becoming excited about starting. Who knows what other pictures may end up on it?
I am grateful:
1. That spring is definitely in the air.
2. That my oldest made the Varsity Volleyball team.
3. That I hit the motherload yesterday in the store and got some ground turkey, milk and cottage cheese all at half price. Yes, I am that woman who runs into the store every day to scout out the discounted specials - some days I go out emptyhanded but last night was worth the wait. 4. That I have the opportunity to relax tonight and watch a little t.v. while working on my dream poster.
5. That there is food in the pantry and freezer.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Power of Love
I think I have figured out why this Valentine's Day has been so trying for me. During most days of the year I keep it together. Meaning I appear composed and all that grief buried inside me stays there. But that inside grief doesn't just vanish with the passage of time. It remains. A fact that we have to learn to live with. And for the most part, with the exception of self-pitying blog posts where I can release some of my agony, I do manage to keep my chin up and trudge forward.
But on holidays and observations like Valentine's Day, I am visually assaulted from every direction. And this year's visualizations seemed bigger and that there were more of them for sale. Maybe it is because of the stilted economy. But there was a balloon at the store that had to be five feet long. I'm not sure how it would fit in a vehicle to get home! Cute singing stuffed animals - huge flower arrangements - giant chocolate covered strawberries. All kinds of goodies brought out just for this occasion.
I do not begrudge anyone lucky enough to have love in their life. Love has been a major part of my consciousness since my husband's death. I believe love is the most important thing in the world and that the world needs more of it. Like Christmas, this is a day that receives a lot of focus and attention that is forgotten soon afterward. Instead of rushing to the gas station to pick up that 19.95 bouquet of roses to present to your sweetie, we all need to concentrate on demonstrating our love in kindness and actions, not objects, every day of the year.
So I'm surely not resentful of the fortunate people out there receiving valentines today. I suppose a little bitter and jealous. But I don't want to begrudge others their happiness or take that away from anyone.
Being bombarded every which way by reminders of love, lovers, romance, togetherness, marriage, commitment and the whole nine yards is like the world rubbing my nose into what I don't have and most want right now. To be in love and remarried. As a result of my childhood issues and probably my personality makeup in general, I have great difficulty living on my own. I want to be married and not just in a committed relationship. Sam moving away and my decision to remain here for the boys to finish high school has hit hard right now. Because I have given up the security and safety of being able to live with someone. And that is big for me.
The tokens and symbols of this day - the cards. hearts, candy, champagne, flowers and other pretties end up representing far more than mere gestures of love and affection. They are reminders of the pain I feel from having lost a husband too soon and having a marriage end before its time. I think also having the new losses of moving from my home and then Sam's departure are still very close to the surface and fresh. As a result, this year's day of love was harder to face.
I finished the large pink heart hanging I crocheted for the front door this morning and have hung it up (taking my giant mittens down for now). I want this heart to symbolize my hope for more love in this household and the entire world! This was a rough Valentine's for me. I wish it wasn't because there is enough hardship as it is. Tomorrow some of the red and pink will thankfully come down in the stores and windows. I am already planning on my next door display to be a rainbow and pot of gold. That will be fun to work on. But I'll leave the pink heart up another week or so. And tonight I'll celebrate love of family with the boys. We will feast on our little heart-shaped cakes, and Twizzlers.
Before this day ends, here are words of Danielle Steel. They appear in the beginning of one of her recent books, "One Day At A Time." I found them lovely, touching and inspiring.
"Whatever happens, has happened, or will happen,
I still believe in Love, whatever orthodox,
unorthodox, ordinary, or extraordinary form it takes.
Never give up Hope.
d.s."
Today I am grateful:
1. For the "free" cake I ended up receiving since the package was priced incorrectly.
2. That there is a day devoted to the demonstration and reflection of love - we need more.
3. For the power of love because I firmly believe it is the most powerful force in the world.
4. For snowmen.
5. For the gift card my son's track coach gave him that allowed the purchase of new track shoes and compression shorts.
But on holidays and observations like Valentine's Day, I am visually assaulted from every direction. And this year's visualizations seemed bigger and that there were more of them for sale. Maybe it is because of the stilted economy. But there was a balloon at the store that had to be five feet long. I'm not sure how it would fit in a vehicle to get home! Cute singing stuffed animals - huge flower arrangements - giant chocolate covered strawberries. All kinds of goodies brought out just for this occasion.
I do not begrudge anyone lucky enough to have love in their life. Love has been a major part of my consciousness since my husband's death. I believe love is the most important thing in the world and that the world needs more of it. Like Christmas, this is a day that receives a lot of focus and attention that is forgotten soon afterward. Instead of rushing to the gas station to pick up that 19.95 bouquet of roses to present to your sweetie, we all need to concentrate on demonstrating our love in kindness and actions, not objects, every day of the year.
So I'm surely not resentful of the fortunate people out there receiving valentines today. I suppose a little bitter and jealous. But I don't want to begrudge others their happiness or take that away from anyone.
Being bombarded every which way by reminders of love, lovers, romance, togetherness, marriage, commitment and the whole nine yards is like the world rubbing my nose into what I don't have and most want right now. To be in love and remarried. As a result of my childhood issues and probably my personality makeup in general, I have great difficulty living on my own. I want to be married and not just in a committed relationship. Sam moving away and my decision to remain here for the boys to finish high school has hit hard right now. Because I have given up the security and safety of being able to live with someone. And that is big for me.
The tokens and symbols of this day - the cards. hearts, candy, champagne, flowers and other pretties end up representing far more than mere gestures of love and affection. They are reminders of the pain I feel from having lost a husband too soon and having a marriage end before its time. I think also having the new losses of moving from my home and then Sam's departure are still very close to the surface and fresh. As a result, this year's day of love was harder to face.
I finished the large pink heart hanging I crocheted for the front door this morning and have hung it up (taking my giant mittens down for now). I want this heart to symbolize my hope for more love in this household and the entire world! This was a rough Valentine's for me. I wish it wasn't because there is enough hardship as it is. Tomorrow some of the red and pink will thankfully come down in the stores and windows. I am already planning on my next door display to be a rainbow and pot of gold. That will be fun to work on. But I'll leave the pink heart up another week or so. And tonight I'll celebrate love of family with the boys. We will feast on our little heart-shaped cakes, and Twizzlers.
Before this day ends, here are words of Danielle Steel. They appear in the beginning of one of her recent books, "One Day At A Time." I found them lovely, touching and inspiring.
"Whatever happens, has happened, or will happen,
I still believe in Love, whatever orthodox,
unorthodox, ordinary, or extraordinary form it takes.
Never give up Hope.
d.s."
Today I am grateful:
1. For the "free" cake I ended up receiving since the package was priced incorrectly.
2. That there is a day devoted to the demonstration and reflection of love - we need more.
3. For the power of love because I firmly believe it is the most powerful force in the world.
4. For snowmen.
5. For the gift card my son's track coach gave him that allowed the purchase of new track shoes and compression shorts.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
It Will Find Us
Went to Taco Bell to get the guys a cheap, filling dinner before they went out for their frolicking with friends (I am here on my lonesome and feeling a bit blue and lonely). But enough about that. As I walked up to the counter to place my order, I noticed an older/retired couple eating their dinner. A couple of things went through my mind. First, that it was kind of sad to be eating a New Year's Eve meal at Taco Bell. Then, I felt those surges of jealousy. Why do these people get to be together? Why isn't my husband still with me so in 20 years he and I would be like this couple? But then I took stock of my thoughts and feelings and told myself to knock it off. I smiled at the woman and she smiled back. I thought instead of being jealous that this couple is so lucky to be together - to even have a partner to join them at a crummy Taco Bell. What a blessing, what a gift. I looked at this man and woman and wished them well, wished them love, and felt grateful that they are together. Maybe if I can harness this energy and focus it outward when I see such couples together in the future, it will mean more than my feeling bitter and envious. Seeing this lovely couple gave me hope. I felt the love and connection between them. It is what I so want for myself and my future. And rather than begrudge that, I will celebrate it whenever I cross its path. To love, wherever and however it finds us - with friends, lovers, the soul mates we miss and family. To all those who connect with us in numerous ways throughout our days and to those who reach out to us as we forge ahead. To those who have loved us and those we have loved (even Husband #2) and the love that WILL greet us all in 2010. TO LOVE! It will find us, sometimes when we least expect it. Alone at a Taco Bell on a cold, wintry New Year's Eve. And we need to let it in.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Homecoming 2009
Times have certainly changed since I was in high school. Today, you don't just ask a date to Homecoming, you have to do it in a unique way. A pizza delivered to your date's house with a message written in pepperoni; dressing up as Superman; meeting your date on a horse at the riding stable she boards her horse at, etc. I had forgotten just how trying and stressful Homecoming week can be - not just for the kids, who have a week full of special events and assemblies, but also the poor parents! And I am going to add - it is tough functioning as an only parent when life is basically ho hum and normal. But during a week like this one, the only parent routine takes on a new dimension!
By the end of the week I was worn out from running to the store for my youngest who first wanted to present flowers to his date when he asked her to the dance and then decided on candy (he ended up using nothing I purchased because his girlfriend was grounded and not allowed to see him! I gave the lovely flower bouquet to my oldest who gave it to his girlfriend). I had to go to the dry cleaners, order flowers, purchase socks, a shirt and two ties because there is a "rule" that the boy's ties "match" their date's dress. It was touch and go for a while when I couldn't locate the belts lost somewhere in the move - but we found two that would do.
I ended up taking my oldest to the doctor during the week because he was freaking out about his face breaking out. Then the boys wanted face cream and cover up, new deodorant and haircuts. And the dance tickets cost $60.00 and dinner about $160.00 between the two. The youngest was testy and rude to me all week (no doubt some of this was related to nerves but there is no other parent to absorb some of that excess anxiety being flung your way!).
But the real stress occurs the day of the dance - PICTURES! Although both boys go with large groups of friends, somehow the houses where the kids pose for photos before the dance always wind up at well-to-do families. I am the sole single/only parent in attendance and feel awkward and self-conscious. Then to top it off, we are in homes of families not having financial worries. I end up feeling jealous, envious and resentful. We live in a town filled with beautiful mini-mansions and historical showcases. One of the homes on Saturday had an amazing fish pond in the backyard, patio and garden that took my breath away. It was full of mission style furniture. The other was a restored historical home. Being in those homes made me miss the average, middle-class house I had to sell. Last year, when I was taking photos at least I was still a homeowner. This year I really felt the economic division between those who have and those in my position.
Taking the photos is hard enough for me because they are usually around 4:00 and I am unable to be in two places at once so I have to choose which boy to photograph and give a disposable camera to the other and hope a parent will snap a couple of shots for me. This year I was lucky to be able to attend both photo sessions since one was at 4:00 and the other 4:30. But as the locations were a distance away, it was rushed and stressful racing from one to the other. Other parents can split up and each take a kid if they have more than one going to the dance.
In the end, my sons looked handsome and their girlfriends beautiful. I remain proud that my boys continue to hold their heads high, that they are popular and accepted. Looking at the wealthy parents surrounding me as we took pictures made me think of how early in my widowhood, I felt such a disconnect to everyone around me. It wasn't that I felt superior or better than others, rather it was that I was thinking and being on another level. On Saturday I felt totally unconnected to these other parents, light years away!
I suppose having the photos taken in these beautiful homes makes the owners proud and gives them a chance to show off. Last year the hosts actually served cocktails and gourmet snacks to the parents! Wouldn't it be a hoot to offer to host the photo shoot for the next dance at our apartment? I could rent out the commons area in our complex, which is actually quite lovely (with its own set of mission furniture!). I just kept thinking as I stood among these fortunate parents, how different our lives are. But somehow this line of thought also made me feel proud of myself - to realize that out of all those people, I was probably the one surviving the most pain and loss.
Today I am grateful:
1. Homecoming 2009 was successful and is over!
2. The boys still fit into last year's suits so I didn't have to buy new ones.
3. That suits from Target look the same as those from department stores.
4. That the boys are popular and went to Homecoming.
5. Everyone made it home safe and sound (the boys and their friends and all the kids in our community).
By the end of the week I was worn out from running to the store for my youngest who first wanted to present flowers to his date when he asked her to the dance and then decided on candy (he ended up using nothing I purchased because his girlfriend was grounded and not allowed to see him! I gave the lovely flower bouquet to my oldest who gave it to his girlfriend). I had to go to the dry cleaners, order flowers, purchase socks, a shirt and two ties because there is a "rule" that the boy's ties "match" their date's dress. It was touch and go for a while when I couldn't locate the belts lost somewhere in the move - but we found two that would do.
I ended up taking my oldest to the doctor during the week because he was freaking out about his face breaking out. Then the boys wanted face cream and cover up, new deodorant and haircuts. And the dance tickets cost $60.00 and dinner about $160.00 between the two. The youngest was testy and rude to me all week (no doubt some of this was related to nerves but there is no other parent to absorb some of that excess anxiety being flung your way!).
But the real stress occurs the day of the dance - PICTURES! Although both boys go with large groups of friends, somehow the houses where the kids pose for photos before the dance always wind up at well-to-do families. I am the sole single/only parent in attendance and feel awkward and self-conscious. Then to top it off, we are in homes of families not having financial worries. I end up feeling jealous, envious and resentful. We live in a town filled with beautiful mini-mansions and historical showcases. One of the homes on Saturday had an amazing fish pond in the backyard, patio and garden that took my breath away. It was full of mission style furniture. The other was a restored historical home. Being in those homes made me miss the average, middle-class house I had to sell. Last year, when I was taking photos at least I was still a homeowner. This year I really felt the economic division between those who have and those in my position.
Taking the photos is hard enough for me because they are usually around 4:00 and I am unable to be in two places at once so I have to choose which boy to photograph and give a disposable camera to the other and hope a parent will snap a couple of shots for me. This year I was lucky to be able to attend both photo sessions since one was at 4:00 and the other 4:30. But as the locations were a distance away, it was rushed and stressful racing from one to the other. Other parents can split up and each take a kid if they have more than one going to the dance.
In the end, my sons looked handsome and their girlfriends beautiful. I remain proud that my boys continue to hold their heads high, that they are popular and accepted. Looking at the wealthy parents surrounding me as we took pictures made me think of how early in my widowhood, I felt such a disconnect to everyone around me. It wasn't that I felt superior or better than others, rather it was that I was thinking and being on another level. On Saturday I felt totally unconnected to these other parents, light years away!
I suppose having the photos taken in these beautiful homes makes the owners proud and gives them a chance to show off. Last year the hosts actually served cocktails and gourmet snacks to the parents! Wouldn't it be a hoot to offer to host the photo shoot for the next dance at our apartment? I could rent out the commons area in our complex, which is actually quite lovely (with its own set of mission furniture!). I just kept thinking as I stood among these fortunate parents, how different our lives are. But somehow this line of thought also made me feel proud of myself - to realize that out of all those people, I was probably the one surviving the most pain and loss.
Today I am grateful:
1. Homecoming 2009 was successful and is over!
2. The boys still fit into last year's suits so I didn't have to buy new ones.
3. That suits from Target look the same as those from department stores.
4. That the boys are popular and went to Homecoming.
5. Everyone made it home safe and sound (the boys and their friends and all the kids in our community).
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Waltzing off into the Sunset
I have three close friends, all of whom are divorced, two female and one male. My guy friend's ex-wife initiated a divorce from him in the fall of 2007. Their divorce was finalized in March, 2008. She started dating at that time and remarried March, 2009! She is moving out of state at the start of August and taking my friend's 11-year-old son with her. It was extremely fortunate that the company she works for in Chicago just so happened to have an opening in their office in the state her new husband resides. So she relocated without having to look for a new job. She and her new husband also just bought a house together.
This situation irks the heck out of me for a number of reasons. It so reeks of unfairness that I want to scream! For one thing, ex-wife isn't a knock-out or anything special in the looks department. She once weighed 240 pounds and has acne scarring on her face. She did not go to college. Apparently she has lost some of the pounds but isn't thin. I suppose that isn't what gets me upset. And these factors shouldn't matter (but somehow they do).
What really gets me is that since her son has been an infant, her mom resided with them and provided the childcare she and my guy friend needed to be working. Grandma also bought them the lovely four bedroom home they lived in. Needless to say, grandma also cooked, cleaned and shopped. "Not that pretty ex-wife" never had to parent on her own, manage a home on her own or even shop or clean by herself. She never had to arrange carpooling or to take her son to the emergency room or doctor's appointments on her own. AND SHE ONLY SLEPT ALONE FOR A YEAR!!! Excuse me Universe - but there are a heck of a lot of women out there handling it ALL on their own and sleeping in their own beds. And they're tired and want to be loved again by someone.
"Not that pretty ex-wife" took away all the spots ahead of her - she didn't pay her dues - she cut in front of the line! Maybe it is harsh and unfair for me to think of all of this (and I've never even met her) but she doesn't seem to deserve another shot at happiness so soon after her divorce without having really suffered much, if at all. This woman hasn't been much of an active parent, with my guy friend and grandma handling far more of the hands-on parenting. So not only does she get to waltz off into the sunset to her new life, but she gets the kid too!
The one aspect of all of this that is the most glaring is that she never really had to sleep alone. Just a year. It is going on six years for me (seven if you count the year my husband was in the hospital most of that time). In terms of all I've had to live and survive through, my number should be the one called for some happiness right now. Not some woman who selfishly is tearing her only child away from his dad and kicking out her mom so she can do her own thing.
Maybe I need to take her lead and be more selfish myself - when I had that chance I ended up losing my second husband because I chose to care for my dying Mom and concentrate on my sons. Why doesn't that count for anything? I'm living at a low economic level, no one is sharing my bed and we're faced with moving into an apartment (so I'll have to get rid of over half of our current possessions). This woman's new house has a hot tub and six acres of land. Just doesn't seem balanced, right or fair in the grand scheme of things. But what, if any of the past years since my husband's death have been?
Maybe what I am trying to uncover in all of these words is that "Not so pretty ex-wife" doesn't seem as deserving as me or the other widows out there who have been pulling more than their weight. It is hard not to compare oneself to someone who hasn't had to endure as much struggle and hardship and seemingly has an easier life.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to see one of my son's pitch and the other catch together in tonight's baseball game, which they won.
2. For the compliment one of the moms said to me tonight, about how handsome and nice my boys are. I replied that I thought they'd turned out pretty well and she told me I'd done a good job (ON MY OWN!).
3. That we did receive an offer on the house today (and the house has only been listed a week).
4. For my youngest son telling me that living in an apartment will be better for us because we don't need all the room in our current home.
5. For having a good girlfriend to call and talk about the house with - and hearing her tell me that everything I've done in the last year has been accomplished on my own without the assistance of anyone. And that I should be proud of myself.
This situation irks the heck out of me for a number of reasons. It so reeks of unfairness that I want to scream! For one thing, ex-wife isn't a knock-out or anything special in the looks department. She once weighed 240 pounds and has acne scarring on her face. She did not go to college. Apparently she has lost some of the pounds but isn't thin. I suppose that isn't what gets me upset. And these factors shouldn't matter (but somehow they do).
What really gets me is that since her son has been an infant, her mom resided with them and provided the childcare she and my guy friend needed to be working. Grandma also bought them the lovely four bedroom home they lived in. Needless to say, grandma also cooked, cleaned and shopped. "Not that pretty ex-wife" never had to parent on her own, manage a home on her own or even shop or clean by herself. She never had to arrange carpooling or to take her son to the emergency room or doctor's appointments on her own. AND SHE ONLY SLEPT ALONE FOR A YEAR!!! Excuse me Universe - but there are a heck of a lot of women out there handling it ALL on their own and sleeping in their own beds. And they're tired and want to be loved again by someone.
"Not that pretty ex-wife" took away all the spots ahead of her - she didn't pay her dues - she cut in front of the line! Maybe it is harsh and unfair for me to think of all of this (and I've never even met her) but she doesn't seem to deserve another shot at happiness so soon after her divorce without having really suffered much, if at all. This woman hasn't been much of an active parent, with my guy friend and grandma handling far more of the hands-on parenting. So not only does she get to waltz off into the sunset to her new life, but she gets the kid too!
The one aspect of all of this that is the most glaring is that she never really had to sleep alone. Just a year. It is going on six years for me (seven if you count the year my husband was in the hospital most of that time). In terms of all I've had to live and survive through, my number should be the one called for some happiness right now. Not some woman who selfishly is tearing her only child away from his dad and kicking out her mom so she can do her own thing.
Maybe I need to take her lead and be more selfish myself - when I had that chance I ended up losing my second husband because I chose to care for my dying Mom and concentrate on my sons. Why doesn't that count for anything? I'm living at a low economic level, no one is sharing my bed and we're faced with moving into an apartment (so I'll have to get rid of over half of our current possessions). This woman's new house has a hot tub and six acres of land. Just doesn't seem balanced, right or fair in the grand scheme of things. But what, if any of the past years since my husband's death have been?
Maybe what I am trying to uncover in all of these words is that "Not so pretty ex-wife" doesn't seem as deserving as me or the other widows out there who have been pulling more than their weight. It is hard not to compare oneself to someone who hasn't had to endure as much struggle and hardship and seemingly has an easier life.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to see one of my son's pitch and the other catch together in tonight's baseball game, which they won.
2. For the compliment one of the moms said to me tonight, about how handsome and nice my boys are. I replied that I thought they'd turned out pretty well and she told me I'd done a good job (ON MY OWN!).
3. That we did receive an offer on the house today (and the house has only been listed a week).
4. For my youngest son telling me that living in an apartment will be better for us because we don't need all the room in our current home.
5. For having a good girlfriend to call and talk about the house with - and hearing her tell me that everything I've done in the last year has been accomplished on my own without the assistance of anyone. And that I should be proud of myself.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Ghosts of the Past
My closest girlfriend and I went out to eat Friday night, her treat because her father had just sent her a check for $10,000.00! There was no reason he sent it - just because. My friend was divorced at the same time my husband was ill. Her dad also gave her a new van, and I also have another girlfriend, just divorced, whose dad gave her a car as well as some money. One of these friends is a teacher, the other a nurse - both work full-time and have ex-husbands in the picture (to share the carpooling with, childcare, etc.). Although I am truly happy for the good fortune of my friends, there is still a big part of me that struggles with the unfairness of it when I compare their family situations with mine.
My sister, two brothers and I are not close. My sister and one brother live in the area, the other brother lives in Hawaii. All are successful and have homes and children ALONG WITH SPOUSES! We do get together a few times a year for holiday celebrations where everyone pretends to be closer than we are. I struggled this Easter (actually agonized) about whether to go to my brother's home or not. I feel a great deal of despair and sadness over my siblings not really caring about our foreclosure or my recent divorce. In the end I went to my brother's home and did bring up our current situation with the foreclosure. News of our affairs is taken on a very matter-of-fact level. My three closest friends have all extended offers that we can stay in their homes if the need arises. No such offer has come from my family. During the nine-month period of my divorce my sister only talked to me once. If she were going through any type of hardship with her husband I would have been at her door with a chocolate cake and two forks, taken her out for a drink, gone window shopping to distract her and LISTENED!
The biggest issue that haunts me is that I am not after any type of handout or financial assistance. I'll deal with this situation as well as I can. What I crave and expect even to a certain extent is a moderate amount of verbal sympathy, encouragement and support which doesn't cost a dime! Since Easter I have not heard from any of my family. My sister is upset with me for some reason I am guessing has to do with my dad (perhaps that I do not see him as regularly as she does) but I am projecting because she has refused to discuss the matter with me despite my pleas to her to tell me what is wrong.
When you are grieving losses, unresolved losses from the past come back to haunt you. I know in my family's case, we have had to deal with the ghosts of the past brought on by my father's Alzheimer's disease and my mom's death two years ago. The two years they were both very sick were difficult for all of us. Then we were involved in clearing out our large childhood home and having it sold. The ghosts that returned involved the pain of having been raised in an abusive (physical and emotional) home by neglectful parents, one of whom was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness. It is terribly painful for me to write these words but over the past months as I've dealt with the grief of my husband's death and then my divorce, I've also been battling deeply ingrained feelings of self-worth, abandonment and rejection with roots in my childhood.
My therapist tells me that my siblings are reacting in response to the way we are all raised. No one in my family ever acknowledged the truth (it always had to be hidden). I try to keep this all in perspective as I deal with my current housing and financial situation. But there are days when it is harder than others. Hearing about how more "normal" families interact with, help and support one another is tough. It seems to me that it is a pretty small request to have a sibling make contact with me to wish me well or say they are thinking of me. And there is additional hurt that my family hasn't been involved with my sons. Some days I actually feel that if the three of us fell off the face of the earth no one would really care (and in my family no one would even notice for months!).
It is not easy to turn these terribly sad but true words around and come up with my gratitude list next but I'll so my best and try to keep it simple so I don't have to think too much.
Today I am grateful:
1. That there were a few hanging flower baskets on clearance left at the hardware store because I can only afford the really marked down flowers - but I did get some.
2. That my my sons are healthy, active and happy despite the financial hardships that surround us.
3. That the boys improved their academic grades this year despite the stress going on in our home because of the divorce.
4. For my male friend who came and cut down some dead tress in the yard and watched the boys at their baseball game while I was at work.
5. For the friends who have become like family in the wake of my misfortune.
My sister, two brothers and I are not close. My sister and one brother live in the area, the other brother lives in Hawaii. All are successful and have homes and children ALONG WITH SPOUSES! We do get together a few times a year for holiday celebrations where everyone pretends to be closer than we are. I struggled this Easter (actually agonized) about whether to go to my brother's home or not. I feel a great deal of despair and sadness over my siblings not really caring about our foreclosure or my recent divorce. In the end I went to my brother's home and did bring up our current situation with the foreclosure. News of our affairs is taken on a very matter-of-fact level. My three closest friends have all extended offers that we can stay in their homes if the need arises. No such offer has come from my family. During the nine-month period of my divorce my sister only talked to me once. If she were going through any type of hardship with her husband I would have been at her door with a chocolate cake and two forks, taken her out for a drink, gone window shopping to distract her and LISTENED!
The biggest issue that haunts me is that I am not after any type of handout or financial assistance. I'll deal with this situation as well as I can. What I crave and expect even to a certain extent is a moderate amount of verbal sympathy, encouragement and support which doesn't cost a dime! Since Easter I have not heard from any of my family. My sister is upset with me for some reason I am guessing has to do with my dad (perhaps that I do not see him as regularly as she does) but I am projecting because she has refused to discuss the matter with me despite my pleas to her to tell me what is wrong.
When you are grieving losses, unresolved losses from the past come back to haunt you. I know in my family's case, we have had to deal with the ghosts of the past brought on by my father's Alzheimer's disease and my mom's death two years ago. The two years they were both very sick were difficult for all of us. Then we were involved in clearing out our large childhood home and having it sold. The ghosts that returned involved the pain of having been raised in an abusive (physical and emotional) home by neglectful parents, one of whom was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness. It is terribly painful for me to write these words but over the past months as I've dealt with the grief of my husband's death and then my divorce, I've also been battling deeply ingrained feelings of self-worth, abandonment and rejection with roots in my childhood.
My therapist tells me that my siblings are reacting in response to the way we are all raised. No one in my family ever acknowledged the truth (it always had to be hidden). I try to keep this all in perspective as I deal with my current housing and financial situation. But there are days when it is harder than others. Hearing about how more "normal" families interact with, help and support one another is tough. It seems to me that it is a pretty small request to have a sibling make contact with me to wish me well or say they are thinking of me. And there is additional hurt that my family hasn't been involved with my sons. Some days I actually feel that if the three of us fell off the face of the earth no one would really care (and in my family no one would even notice for months!).
It is not easy to turn these terribly sad but true words around and come up with my gratitude list next but I'll so my best and try to keep it simple so I don't have to think too much.
Today I am grateful:
1. That there were a few hanging flower baskets on clearance left at the hardware store because I can only afford the really marked down flowers - but I did get some.
2. That my my sons are healthy, active and happy despite the financial hardships that surround us.
3. That the boys improved their academic grades this year despite the stress going on in our home because of the divorce.
4. For my male friend who came and cut down some dead tress in the yard and watched the boys at their baseball game while I was at work.
5. For the friends who have become like family in the wake of my misfortune.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Men at the tire store
Last Saturday morning when I was at the tire store I was struck as usual by a myriad of emotions. I was the only woman in the place and felt amused as the employees and customers were riveted to the t.v. screen upon which some Japanese game show I'd never heard of called "Ninja Warrior" was on. From what I could gather, 100 Japanese guys had to go through all these obstacle course type events to become the Ninja Warrior. The events were pretty difficult and no one came even close to being crowned the warrior. I was grateful to have a book with me but I had to say I found it pretty funny that these nice middle-aged dad type guys from my middle-class suburban town were so fascinated by this show.
It got me to thinking about the differences between men and women and how much I miss living with a man. I love and appreciate all the male quirks that get on women's nerves including obsession with sports and interest in totally pointless athletic game shows. But I also miss and appreciate all the good stuff too - the strength of a man's body, the smell of sweat on him after he has mowed the lawn, his ability to kill spiders and unknown scary insects without closing his eyes or squirming in his shoes.
When some of these men came in the store, they told the mechanics that their wives had called earlier and talked to them about some tire model or other detail. To this my reaction was jealousy toward women I don't even know getting to stay at home while hubbo goes to the tire store to get the tires changed. I also felt burdened with the fact that I have to be the one doing the "male weekend chores." In reality, I do everything all the time. To hear how couples were sharing the work load made me envious that their lives are easier in that regard.
Most of all I think that what I was feeling more acutely was just sadness at not living with a man right now. I do have a guy in my life but we don't live together and going out or spending time at his home does not end up being the same thing. You can't replace the experience of waking up with someone in the morning or having someone by your side in the middle of the night when you have a nightmare or a headache. I looked at these nice, average, middle-aged guys and wanted to take one home with me. But only after he did all the tire stuff.
Today I am grateful:
1. For all the steps I have taken to try and cope with this transitional part of my life (grief therapy, reading self-help books on grief, knitting, going through old possessions and getting rid of them, blogging, journaling, socializing with friends).
2. For always getting back up even after sinking into despair.
3. For being honest about needing help when I need it.
4. For not wanting to pretend anymore that life is something that it's not.
5. For being more kind, patient and tolerant of myself.
It got me to thinking about the differences between men and women and how much I miss living with a man. I love and appreciate all the male quirks that get on women's nerves including obsession with sports and interest in totally pointless athletic game shows. But I also miss and appreciate all the good stuff too - the strength of a man's body, the smell of sweat on him after he has mowed the lawn, his ability to kill spiders and unknown scary insects without closing his eyes or squirming in his shoes.
When some of these men came in the store, they told the mechanics that their wives had called earlier and talked to them about some tire model or other detail. To this my reaction was jealousy toward women I don't even know getting to stay at home while hubbo goes to the tire store to get the tires changed. I also felt burdened with the fact that I have to be the one doing the "male weekend chores." In reality, I do everything all the time. To hear how couples were sharing the work load made me envious that their lives are easier in that regard.
Most of all I think that what I was feeling more acutely was just sadness at not living with a man right now. I do have a guy in my life but we don't live together and going out or spending time at his home does not end up being the same thing. You can't replace the experience of waking up with someone in the morning or having someone by your side in the middle of the night when you have a nightmare or a headache. I looked at these nice, average, middle-aged guys and wanted to take one home with me. But only after he did all the tire stuff.
Today I am grateful:
1. For all the steps I have taken to try and cope with this transitional part of my life (grief therapy, reading self-help books on grief, knitting, going through old possessions and getting rid of them, blogging, journaling, socializing with friends).
2. For always getting back up even after sinking into despair.
3. For being honest about needing help when I need it.
4. For not wanting to pretend anymore that life is something that it's not.
5. For being more kind, patient and tolerant of myself.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Comparing myself to others
A friend just complained that I am always comparing myself to others and I need to stop doing this. I admit that I am stuck trying to cope with my feelings about life being unfair and bad things happening to good people. I am also jealous of those with seemingly fewer problems than I. The biggest question of all is "Why did my husband have to die and leave me alone?" and the answer is "Why not me? If not me, who else?" I have recognized that when life was going well and I wasn't on my own that I didn't compare myself much to others. It is only since widowhood and divorce have entered my life that I have been comparing myself and seeing the disparity in people's lives.
For whatever reason I am at this place right now in my grief journey. It is no doubt intensified because we are facing such economic pressures as foreclosure. I think for that reason I am even more likely to compare myself to others. The more problems in your life, the more people there are with fewer ones so it seems as thought everyone else has it better than me.
I'm trying to work through these difficult feelings and not brush them aside because that would defeat the purpose. But if anyone out there has dealt with this in the past and has ideas on how to move past the comparisons, please let me know.
For whatever reason I am at this place right now in my grief journey. It is no doubt intensified because we are facing such economic pressures as foreclosure. I think for that reason I am even more likely to compare myself to others. The more problems in your life, the more people there are with fewer ones so it seems as thought everyone else has it better than me.
I'm trying to work through these difficult feelings and not brush them aside because that would defeat the purpose. But if anyone out there has dealt with this in the past and has ideas on how to move past the comparisons, please let me know.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Feeling the Feelings
I have been mad at the world and jealous and feeling sorry for myself the past few days (that it is during my period may have something to do with this) but anyway, I wish I were stronger and not consumed by these thoughts and feelings. My grief counselor has always told me that we need to feel whatever feelings that are there and it becomes harmful when we try to push them away. She says that if we can stick with them (even the really yucky, wimpy ones like I'm having now) we'll gain deeper insight into what is really going on with us.
I am particularly upset with myself for feeling jealous of people I don't know that I see in the store. Why do they get to buy a cartload of groceries while I am counting out $4.00 in change to pay for a handful of items? Why are they still married and my first husband died and the second divorced me? As a counselor, I am usually so kind, patient, understanding and tolerant of others. It is hard for me to accept this other side of me as I struggle to deal with so much hardship. But herein lies the key. Rather than try and stop my jealous thoughts, I need to stick with them when they come out.
I think most of us try to snuff out the "bad" feelings we have - anger, resentment, jealousy, intolerance because it doesn't correspond with the images we have of ourselves being nice, good, decent people. Maybe we still are those good people even when we struggle with our darker sides.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I got a call back for a third interview at a potential job (part-time) in my field.
2. That I have a very good grief counselor working with me.
3. That hard times pass and don't last forever.
I am particularly upset with myself for feeling jealous of people I don't know that I see in the store. Why do they get to buy a cartload of groceries while I am counting out $4.00 in change to pay for a handful of items? Why are they still married and my first husband died and the second divorced me? As a counselor, I am usually so kind, patient, understanding and tolerant of others. It is hard for me to accept this other side of me as I struggle to deal with so much hardship. But herein lies the key. Rather than try and stop my jealous thoughts, I need to stick with them when they come out.
I think most of us try to snuff out the "bad" feelings we have - anger, resentment, jealousy, intolerance because it doesn't correspond with the images we have of ourselves being nice, good, decent people. Maybe we still are those good people even when we struggle with our darker sides.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I got a call back for a third interview at a potential job (part-time) in my field.
2. That I have a very good grief counselor working with me.
3. That hard times pass and don't last forever.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My Evil Thoughts
I suffer from bouts of jealousy, particularly when I'm under severe stress (like now). Over this past weekend I went out with two girlfriends (both divorced and making about $60,000 each) who got vehicles from their fathers. I am jealous of that as well as the fact that both friends can also call upon their dads for money, if necessary. When I have thoughts like these I refer to them as "my evil thoughts." They also include thoughts of revenge and right now my latest fantasy in that regard is that I want to send a cake in the shape of a penis to my ex-husband's work department. The cake will be inscribed with some kind of message like, "Guess who can't come?" I know this kind of thing is childish and silly but I can't stop those kind of thoughts when I get in this mood or frame of mind.
I talked about all this with a friend and he told me to let it go - that my ex will die a lonely, old man. I asked him why my ex just discarded us and left me to pick up the pieces. My friend replied that "it is safe." I called him back a little bit later to ask him what he meant. He explained that not having to deal with problems is safe. But not necessarily the mature or right thing to do I would add.
Sometimes when I'm in a store or wherever and I see a sloppy/unkempt woman being mean to her children or spouse I also am jealous. I was even feeling jealous of my sister - she has not been supportive over the past years and has totally blown me off since my divorce. Why does she get to still have a husband and helpmate while mine had to die? I would never have been so unsisterly toward her - I would have provided better support to her if she had been in my shoes. And why does my ex-husband get to walk away from all of this without even saying goodbye to me or the boys, nor face any responsibility for his actions?
The answer is of course that life is unfair but that is just not cutting it for me right now. I think this is because I have faced more than the typical amount of hardship - it has just kept coming and coming the past 5 years and now with the foreclosure it is still continuing. A friend offered a good perspective to all of this by saying there will always be those who are better off than us, as well as those who are less fortunate. But that doesn't stop me from being jealous of the woman I see in the store with her husband by her side or seeing the man looking confused as he calls his wife or partner for instructions on what kind of flavored tomato sauce she needs for dinner.
Today I am grateful:
1. That it is raining instead of snowing.
2. That Spring is here.
3. That despite my jealous thoughts, I also have more compassionate thoughts toward others.
I talked about all this with a friend and he told me to let it go - that my ex will die a lonely, old man. I asked him why my ex just discarded us and left me to pick up the pieces. My friend replied that "it is safe." I called him back a little bit later to ask him what he meant. He explained that not having to deal with problems is safe. But not necessarily the mature or right thing to do I would add.
Sometimes when I'm in a store or wherever and I see a sloppy/unkempt woman being mean to her children or spouse I also am jealous. I was even feeling jealous of my sister - she has not been supportive over the past years and has totally blown me off since my divorce. Why does she get to still have a husband and helpmate while mine had to die? I would never have been so unsisterly toward her - I would have provided better support to her if she had been in my shoes. And why does my ex-husband get to walk away from all of this without even saying goodbye to me or the boys, nor face any responsibility for his actions?
The answer is of course that life is unfair but that is just not cutting it for me right now. I think this is because I have faced more than the typical amount of hardship - it has just kept coming and coming the past 5 years and now with the foreclosure it is still continuing. A friend offered a good perspective to all of this by saying there will always be those who are better off than us, as well as those who are less fortunate. But that doesn't stop me from being jealous of the woman I see in the store with her husband by her side or seeing the man looking confused as he calls his wife or partner for instructions on what kind of flavored tomato sauce she needs for dinner.
Today I am grateful:
1. That it is raining instead of snowing.
2. That Spring is here.
3. That despite my jealous thoughts, I also have more compassionate thoughts toward others.
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