Eyes to the Sun

Photo Caption: "Eyes to the sun, even when it is setting."

For those of you interested in the quiz I mention in today's earlier post, it is the VIA Survey of Character Strengths, which measures an individual's character out of 24 strengths. It is very interesting and I have learned some new personal insights taking it. You can find it and a whole bunch of other similar tests at "Authentic Happiness," Dr. Martin Seligman's site. He is the Director of Positive Psychology at the Univ. of Penn.

Anyway, I went back to look up my results on the test and after my top strength, "Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence," my second is "Love of Learning." Again, this is a trait I have held since childhood and it probably explains the strong need I've had for my sons to finish out their schooling here in this top notch school district and high school. This result says that I love school, learning, reading, and visiting museums. I have always placed a huge value on formal education but I also believe that there are opportunities for self-insight and growth every day no matter where we are. We don't have to be in a classroom to learn.

Rounding out my results, I have great "Curiosity and Interest in the World," and love to explore and discover. I do have a strong level of "Gratitude" and take nothing for granted. I show my appreciation. Lastly, I live with "Honesty, Integrity and Genuiness." I live my life in a genuine and authentic manner. I am down to earth, without pretense; a "real" person.

Looking over these strengths I would say that being down to earth, living honestly and authentically is right on mark. I value that I am a very honest person and stress to my sons to always be honest and true to themselves. I am proud that I am down to earth and genuine.

I used to be a much more forgiving person. But since widowhood that quality has suffered. Also, since widowhood my self-motivation seems to have weakened. But now is not the time to focus on weaknesses.

If anyone takes this character test and wants to share their results/insights, please comment. I believe we can learn from one another.

Hoping For More Sun

Photo Caption: "Trying to still see a glimmer of sun."

I am providing an update here because I don't want to leave anyone who is following in the dark. I still hope that my words and experiences have some value being put out there, even though my life has been difficult since widowhood. I took a gamble to try and make it through another year in the area even though I knew it would be very hard and maybe even impossible financially. But I gambled so my son could finish out his senior high school year. I did try and find a family for him to stay with here while I moved last summer and fall. But that option just didn't fully materialize. To now look back and try to punish myself by saying I should have done things differently isn't helpful and adds to my misery. I continue to believe as I always passionately have, that people make the best decisions they can at the time, based on their experiences and the choices at hand.

When you are living life to the barest bone, one unexpected or unplanned event can just send you to your knees. The saying that people are only one paycheck away from disaster is true and probably now more true in this unstable economy.

The past week has been emotionally trying. I know myself. When the situation calls for helping others I am able to rise to the occassion. But when I need to pick myself up, I don't do such a good job. I tend to be immobile and shocked into inactivity when I am under extreme stress and worry. I am not able to focus. I dwell on the negatives and am plunged into this pit of dark thoughts, hopelessness and despair. Whereas some faced with hardship propel themselves into a whirlwind of activity, I am not even able to hold a crochet hook in my hand. I become this zombie like creature.

After existing in this state the later part of the week, on Sunday I broke down and called my girlfriend asking her if we could meet for tea or a walk. She scolded me for not calling her immediately when I lost my job and felt I needed two glasses of wine, her treat - forget the tea. She was kind to me, which is what I really think we most need when we're facing difficulties. She told me that in her opinion, I HAD made it and gotten my sons through high school. And she reminded me that as long as she has known me, since my oldest was five, that I have always reached out and helped others. When you're down and out, it is good to hear positives about youself because right now I sure am not seeing myself in a good light. And we need to be reminded of the complete person we are. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. Living through a bad situation doesn't reduce us only to our less desirable characteristics.

I took this personality quiz recently that figured out one's life strengths. I was a little surprised to see that my top strength was seeing and seeking out life's beauty. Now I am not an optimistic person and since childhood have seen the glass half-empty. But I guess seeking out beauty is something different. And since childhood I have always looked for beauty - every day. In puddles in the parking lot, in a store window display, in the cut or color of a woman's coat. Whenever I am out and about in the world, I take pictures with my phone and those photos have included puddles, window displays, clothing and the sun on a recent walk peeking out from the trees. I open a JJill clothing catalog and the photo arrangement of a set of sweaters, highlighting the rainbow of colors, captivates me. I find beauty in the the ordinary and it surrounds me even now. So that is what I am going to try and focus on - my strengths - the little things that do serve to empower me. Be they written words in a novel, the touch and feel of a hank of pure wool yarn or the surprises that greet one taking a late-winter walk as the sun sets and snow melts.

Sick of Strength

I've heard variations of the "Strength" platitude over and over - "You've got to stay strong," or "You're so strong." These are always from individuals who have someone to lean on. Easy to say this stuff when you can crash every once in awhile and let someone else carry the load.

I'm not strong. Just because I've handled a lot of hardship doesn't make me stronger than others. I've just had to deal with a larger share of problems. Believe me, if I could, I would not be handling all this. I do it because I have to and I do it alone because I don't have a choice.

There is this stupid belief out there that strength builds character and we become better for having survived hardship. I don't believe this anymore. In fact, I don't believe any of those platitudes we've been raised on anymore. As time goes on, or at least now, I find the constant strength in having to rise to every occasion solo, is just draining me and leaving me more bitter. Forget about becoming wiser and stronger. Here is a quote by the businessman J.C. Penney that illustrates this:

"I am grateful for all of my problems.
After each one was overcome,
I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come.
I grew in all my difficulties."

Well, I've reached the point where I'm not feeling very grateful for my problems. And I've reached the point where I don't want to meet anymore. I don't like this life and I don't want to be living it as it is panning out anymore. I read all these inspirational quotes where I should greet each day, even the hard ones, with joy in my heart and gratefulness for being here and all of that. But if I were to say that I thought that, I'd be lying.

Feeling very, very weary and drained. Got through the debacle with the van being towed and its flat tire and all only to face a week later, another flat tire. Then some tickets for failure to not have a city vehicle sticker (which I didn't know we needed). And so it goes... More to face and handle. More energy that gets chipped away from my heart and soul.

My son received acceptances into two of the five colleges he applied at. Receiving those letters with the "Congratulations on your acceptance..." took a little bit of the sting away from the bad news that happened.

I'm tired of being strong. It is okay to be weak. In a marriage or partnership or close family there are opportunities to sometimes let others carry the load. I think I've reached my limit. I feel my back finally breaking.

I'll get up tomorrow and do the stuff of living I have to do. But it is like going through the motions. It is easy to be positive and motivated when things are going well. Seems impossible now to feel joy when there is so much discouragement and my spirit is sagging. My strength is tapped out.

As I write these feelings out, I realize that along with the stupid platitudes, there comes the guilt for not being able to be strong. Because when people tell you to keep on being strong, it is expected that you'll keep your chin up and do just that. Where are the platitudes for failing gracefully or not being able to keep up? Platitudes aren't realistic. What is real, is the realization that people will sometimes fail and fall. I want a platitude that gives me permission to feel the honest feelings I'm having about discouragement, exhaustion, bitterness and weakness. I need a platitude that gives me some direction on what to do when too much strength has actually ended up making me weak.

Hope Wherever I Can Find It

It was a very emotional Dancing With The Stars week. Each contestant devoted their dance to a meaningful year in their life. Ricki Lake related that she had lost her home to a fire and had reached a point in her life where she felt she would never remarry again. But she said, "Never say never." Because it was during this period of hardship that she did find love again! She told the audience that she was sharing this to give others hope, so they will not give up. All in all, it was a very touching segment and I felt stronger and inspired by Ricki's story.

Had to go to the dreaded local Walmart to pickup a prescription for my son. As usual, the line in the pharmacy is a 45-minute wait. I picked up an all you magazine at the counter and had finished it by the time I finally got my turn. I decided to purchase it because of a couple good recipes in the issue that I'd like to try. And there were some cute Fall crafts. Most importantly, there was a story about a divorced mom of three, around my age, who ended up moving to a small town and downsizing to a 1,300 square foot home - exactly the house size I am aiming for! I liked what what the woman had to say about downsizing and frugal living and again reading the story inspired me and gave me strength.

I will get through the next school year while my son finishes his senior high school year. I will move to a small town community and will be living there next year at this time! I will go back to school to get back into a social services career. And love will be a part of my future!

Long-term Widowhood

This is a wreath I made my girlfriend some years back. It was on her door when I went by last Saturday night. We have a standing ritual that after every "school-parent-activity," such as taking Homecoming Dance photos, we either go out for wine or stay in with snacks and wine.

September is gone. Wow! Fast and furious. I was out of the loop most of the month - under the weather with this terrible chest cold thing. It wasn't until this weekend that I'm feeling more myself. And the cough is still lingering... Then there were still those problems posting my posts, so I kind of gave up blogging and took the month off in a way. Still went to work, tended to my son at home and so on. But was pretty lackluster and unmotivated. No walks in my little forest preserve, no knitting. Only wanting to rest, I would just lie on the bed and think.

This past month I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting. I've come to the conclusion that I'm very, very worn down, physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I would say some it is long-term widowhood and solo parenting. I'm just bushed and tired of this life.

When I was at the photo shoot for Homecoming and in the middle of all the married couples and intact families last week, a part of me called out that I don't want this solo life any longer. Yet coming off my recent bout of illness, I truly lack the motivation or seem to have the energy to move toward a new tomorrow.

I obviously have to start making strides toward getting a new job and advancing my career options. I am not going to die with a defunct Master's Degree working as a crummy chain restaurant hostess. Lying in bed, I concluded that what is actually worse for my self-esteem is not that I'm not married, but that I am not working as a professional. That fact eats at me every day.

I took the Soaring Spirits sponsored survey on widowhood over the summer. I thought it was important for there to be a view from a longer-term widow, which is how I would describe myself 8 years out. One of the questions was something like, "What would you most like the public to know about widowhood?" I can't remember the choices except that mine was that widowhood is extremely difficult. It is not some romp through life. Eight years out having parented two sons going on 10 years, and I am truly wiped out. I've blogged about this before - the fatigue and exhaustion of widowhood. Because it is not only physical but also such a mental drain. Doing everything on one's own, always making the decisions, figuring out the problems, sleeping alone, trying to recover from being under the weather without someone soothing you with a cup of hot tea or warm bowl of soup. Getting it yourself just isn't the same kind of TLC.

My energy levels are just kaput, but I think that I need to start moving in the direction or creating a new life for myself, even if I'm only taking baby steps. I think I need to get back into the mental health field and am contemplating social work and in particular working in a hospital or nursing home setting. Yesterday, I forced myself to take a walk in my little hidden forest - 30 minutes. I'm focusing on eating healthy this month and not stressing out too much.

In summary and conclusion, long-term widowhood for me has been very draining. But then the reality of the matter is that even when you're so depleted and on the ground, you've got to muster up that strength and energy to pull yourself back up again. And I think that for some of us, that is the true nature of widowhood. Falling and always having to pick oneself back up. No wonder I am so drained and depleted. My battery seems to have really worn out.

The Comfort of Fall

This year I seem more attuned to the approaching Fall season. We have been so blessed the past few days with cooler, Fall-like weather. Here, there is just a hint of the changing season in the air. The tops of some trees are starting to turn. I'd have to say that this is the part of Fall I most love, before it gets full-blown in October. Once the leaves really turn, one heavy rain is all it takes for it to be over. Now I have the chance to really savor this wondrous season.

I love seeing all the advertising and signs in the stores welcoming this time of year. The food choices including apples. I've already tried the new caramel apple sundaes at both McDonald's and Wendy's. Small, simple pleasures to help take the edge away from the worry I feel every day over getting through the next year financially. Now that my son is in college, I have to add some college expenses to the budget and they have turned out higher than originally expected.

Over the years, I have come to realize that for me, one of the surefire ways to ease my anxiety and misery is through nature. A walk in the woods especially. My soul longs for a rural existence and it is where I am relocating when this year is completed for my son in high school.

Each season brings its own comforts, but as the Starbuck's ad relates, Fall is perhaps most special. "Indulge in the comforts of Fall," the ad directs. Makes sense to me. Bring on that pumpkin latte. I am drinking spiced apple tea in the mornings and baked a batch of my Awesome Apple Bread. I gave a loaf to my girlfriend along with a cute apple potholder I knit. My friend liked the potholder so much, she told me she is going to frame it!

The summer was so hot I only went walking in my little hidden forest a few times. Now I can start walking every day again. That will give me great pleasure. I saw my first Halloween outdoor decorations today. A flock of witches in a circle in a yard. This year I will try and focus on these displays with lightness and laughter. Anything to help me stay sane and grounded as we move through this year. I feel on my last legs emotionally and financially. I asked for more hours at work and will have to go out looking for another job next week. Illinois has the highest unemployment rate in the country along with the highest gas prices (Chicago area). Yet my apartment rent just went up $100.00!

The comforts of Fall. More than ever I will use the beauty and hope nature inspires to give me courage and strength. It is free (except for the pumpkin lattes) and abundant. I'm not sure I can say that over the next month I'll be happy (too much stress and strain for that). But I can try and be cheerful despite the hardships. And by making a concerted effort to focus on nature, maybe I can be distracted and propelled on to the beauty of the holiday season.

Getting though one day at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time.

Fear

What do I fear? What have I always feared from childhood on? Being alone, unmarried especially, being rejected; having a lack of stability in my life. As I thought about this I came to the realization that I am living my deepest fears. I am alone. And while I don't really mind being alone, what I really mind is the unmarried label. I want and need to belong to someone, to be a part of a team. I was rejected by my second husband and that event shattered me to my core because it so closely followed the death of my husband.

Sometimes I overcome my fears. My losses have resulted in my being far less consumed by petty annoyances. Many times I say, "What the heck" and go out on a limb to say or do what I really want to - because I have nothing to lose. But other days, l am stuck in my fears, afraid to meet someone new, or go somewhere by myself.

Oftentimes I reflect that I really need to lose this defeated attitude. Having already encountered my deepest fears and to have lived beyond them, one would think that I would have long outgrown them.

To get what I most long for - stability, love and partnership will require me to face fear again and become vulnerable. It is a risk getting hurt when there has already been so much hurt and pain. To start over. Many times it is easier to just stay with the status quo and let life remain as it is. But then I realize I shouldn't be complaining about my life because I'm not doing much to change it. And I don't want to complain and I want my life to change. So the only option is to face the fear and risk the possibility of pain because there is always the potential for more. I'll keep my eyes and heart on the hope for a prize instead of expecting defeat.

Hello, 2011!

Ran to the store trying to figure out what to make for dinner tonight - French Toast or grilled cheeses. Didn't see any sausage, ham or bacon on sale so decided on the grilled cheese with soup and pears. Passed by the magazine rack and saw the first ones of the new year! Almost felt some relief. Thank goodness 2010 will be over, along with the holidays. I am not into this seasonal festivities and look forward to the month of January. It seems as though there is so much emphasis on Christmas yet by the time it comes, I haven't done near what I need to and I feel even more dejected and down. The alternative as I see it, is to try and prepare for the month of December a little at a time throughout the year. Then it won't sneak up on us and pass us by just as we are getting our bearings.

I loved the headline for Oprah's magazine: "Hello, 2011! 50 Ideas To Make It Your Best Year Yet." I have a feeling in my bones that next year IS going to be better. My son just got a job yesterday, his 18th birthday. He wore a suit and tie to his second interview. The managers were impressed the first time they met my son - his attitude, maturity and ability to get along with people. He impressed them more the second time by showing up 12 minutes early. Now this is not a place where he needed to wear a suit to an interview but he said he wanted the job so much he was still going to wear one. He starts his job on Tuesday and I should mention that a girl from school works there too so he had an in to the job. I believe that an inside contact really helps in this market. That is also how my youngest son got his seasonal summer job too - from someone he knew at school whose mom was in charge of hiring...

Also, today, I got a part time job at a restaurant through a contact - that nice woman at the food pantry who has befriended me knew of the opening and encouraged me to apply. The hours are during the day and I figure I can take it and still look for social services work. It is down the street from our home and would allow me to earn money for food and be at the boys' school events in the evening. I am supposed to start Monday if I accept the job but I also have a REAL job interview tomorrow for an actual honest to goodness social services job that seems it would be a good fit. Full time hours, benefits, tuition reimbursement - the whole shebang. Wish me luck. I went on the restaurant interview as a back up in case I don't get the social services job and for the practice. But again, it illustrates that when you know someone, you can have an in to a job opportunity.

On a final note, I have been affected by the death of Elizabeth Edwards but I'm still reflecting on my feelings. I do think she demonstrated amazing courage, strength, grace and dignity in the face of much loss and especially what she endured after her diagnosis. She is an inspiration to me as I continue to try and rise out of our circumstances. I too can face my trials with courage, strength, grace and dignity.

Pumpkins, Prosperity and Hope

I saw these almost hidden pumpkins as I drove by on the road and stopped to take a photo. They got to me in some way. Seeing them holding on to their dignity and beauty, left by someone after Halloween perhaps as a gesture toward feeding some wildlife.

When I picked up my son from school on Friday he had a pair of new track shoes (retail $139.00) given to him by his track coach. He sat out most of last season due to a foot injury and the coach told him they can't afford not to have him on the team this year. My son explained that the coach has some deal with the shoe company and gets about 10 pairs of new models a season. I asked who else got a pair and was surprised when he told me the name of one of his closest friends.

Said friend's dad has been out of work now two years and counting. Imagine a typical upper-middle class suburban family. Handsome son, two adorable daughters, mom with long blond hair, wearing stylish skinny jeans and boots. Lovely, large in-town home. When I expressed some surprise, my son told me that his friend has also been on reduced lunches since starting high school three years ago. We have been on reduced lunches since my husband's death so I know what the income guidelines are. My son's friend is struggling as are we.

Then over the weekend, I received an email from a female acquaintance. She was selling items to be able to afford groceries and necessary car repairs. No mention of gifts or Christmas. Just the need for food and repairing cars. Again, a nice middle-class suburban family with a little girl on the swim team. Smaller home than the one my son's friend lives in, but still located in the coveted downtown area of our quaint little city. I know this woman's husband has also had job issues but the last I knew he was working.

As I reflected on these two families over the weekend, I thought about how many people are dealing with tough times, trying to stay afloat or survive and ride out this economic crisis. I felt a little less ashamed at myself for being in this position also. I have had a very hard time accepting the loss of my home and financial position and been pretty down on myself because of it. But here are two intact families caught up in this horror and having to make the best of it.

At least these parents have one another to lean on. I haven't written much lately about the fatigue and drain of widowhood but that is a constant in my life. Dealing with all this, making all the decisions, going to bed alone, getting up alone, living without another adult in the home have been extremely wearing on my soul, energy and outlook. I need to give myself some credit for having done the best I've been able to under the trying circumstances without much support.

In honor of this pumpkin theme, I made a loaf of pumpkin bread this morning. I have gotten a lot of rave reviews on it. When I was at the food pantry last week, I spied the six pound can of pumpkin in the photo and coveted it. My sons are both pumkined out but to me that huge can represents peace of mind and plenty. Something I can really use more of. I want to display that can on my kitchen counter as a symbol of hope and prosperity, remembering those two brave pumpkins cast off by the side of the road. And I'll eventually use the contents - six pounds of pumpkins will sure make a bunch of pumpkin loaves.

Wonderful, Quick and Easy Pumpkin Bread

1 box pound cake mix
1 cup pumpkin pie filling (not plain pumpkin puree)
2 eggs
1/3 cup milk
cinnamon and nutmeg (I usually add with a heavy hand)
I also added 1 cup of chopped nuts although the recipe didn't call for them

Combine and mix all ingredients. Pour in greased 9 x 5 inch loaf pan. Bake at 300 for 1 hour, 15 minutes.

Self-Depreciation

A few weeks back, I was at a volleyball game and approached by a woman I have often volunteered with at school events. I wouldn't call this woman and I friends but good and friendly acquaintances. She also has two boys and our kids have all played together and been on the same sports teams through the years. She approached me on the bleachers with her husband to ask me where I had moved.

I gave her the story that we had moved to an apartment complex within the district so I could keep the boys at the same school. She'd heard about my attempted move out-of-state with Sam and asked about that too. I related how difficult a transition that had been for the boys and so I had decided to return home so they could continue at their current high school. The husband replied that I had kept my priorities straight thinking out for my sons.

After the game and returning home, I thought back to this conversation and was very upset with myself because instead of being matter-of-fact about my situation, I related it in a very self-depreciating manner. I sounded and described myself as down-and-out and a failure. There was no reason for this. I owe this couple nothing. And it does no good to put myself down in any way.

I think there is an overall sense of shame in having been divorced (since I didn't want it) and then all the sense of failure for having lost my home - being unable to find suitable work and unable to keep up my finances.

But I need to hold my head up high and be proud of myself for what I have accomplished under trying and difficult circumstances. Everything I have done has been on my own and has been focused on what has been best for my sons. I should not feel ashamed of that. I don't want to apologize to anyone for the decisions I have had to make. No one else has been in my shoes facing significant grief and then having to forge on forward in a diminished state emotionally, physically and financially.

I think in the past that I would not have been so upset with myself like I am now. I wish I could redo that entire conversation on the bleachers with me holding up my head and feeling proud and strong for having made the decisions I did and taken the actions I have and survived all of this.

I do not want to disparage myself in the future.

Keeping A Roof Over My Sons' Heads

Some weeks ago I went back to the community job center where they provide assistance for those out of work. The previous time I had gone, I'd experienced a rather distressing encounter with a male job counselor. He had kept pushing me to examine my overall employment goals and I was centered on just finding a job to start working and feel less financial pressure. The next time I met with a woman about 10 years my senior. She shared her very interesting situation and we certainly connected on an emotional level.

She related that at only age 40 had she gone back to finish her college degree. Then came the period where her husband left her out of the blue and sought a divorce. Just after this her mother became ill and she went to Florida to provide care. Her mother died and she then helped her father deal with the loss. She returned home to take care of her children but then her dad's health rapidly deteriorated. So she returned to Florida to sell the house and move him into an apartment. He was unable to manage on his own so she went back yet again to get him into an assisted living facility. He didn't like the place and she had to move him to another. But then just six months after his wife's death and all the turmoil of moving around, he died himself. This was a huge blow to the daughter as an only child.

I was very interested in the story this woman was weaving. She told me she did not know of the kind of loss I had experienced but that she did know what it was like to feel totally alone in the world. She was able to work at a job in the business field after finishing her degree. Although her husband ended up living with another woman, she did not remarry. Her children grew up, went to college and married. Just recently, more life changes occurred for her. She lost her job and ended up selling her home and moving to an apartment.

Hearing this really impacted me. I was sitting across a very attractive, articulate and intelligent woman - someone who'd also experienced the necessity of having to move from a home. This gave me some courage and more confidence. Also, it allowed me to view myself less negatively and as a failure - stuff happens.

She went on to talk a little about dating. I guess there were some pretty dry years in there. But at some point when her kids were less demanding of her time and attention she came to the realization that she needed to carve out a life for herself and began dating. She told me about a singles group in the area I have heard of. She said she joined it not so much to date, but to have fun activities to particpate in. She said that she had formed some good female friendships.

About nine months ago she was on a dating site like eHarmony when she was reconnected with a widower she'd been matched with three years ago. Back then he was newly widowed and not really ready to get out there again. Things didn't work out for them but even after all these years she had never forgotten about him. Turns out they have been dating and although she said he is somewhat older than she, she is happy with their relationship. In fact, the next day they were going to take one of his grandsons to an antique auto show.

I asked her about dating in the here and now because so many people are out of work or facing financial changes. She replied that half of the women her male friend had met through dating sites were unemployed - it is the nature of the times. So again, hearing this made me feel less alone and stigmatized. I'm not the only woman who has faced some transitions relating to the loss of a partner and financial issues.

I greatly enjoyed the time I shared with this woman because it opened my eyes to the larger world and provided some much needed perspective. In a way it was like filling up my empty tank with fuel. Sharing our situations and life experiences was revitalizing and gave me courage, strength and even some hope to continue to trudge on.

During our time together the woman made the kind comment to me that after all that I've been through, I have at least kept a roof over my sons' heads. And that is something.

Weary Winter Widowhood

We are under a winter storm advisory for the next 40 hours! This morning wasn't too bad dropping the boys off at school, although there was an accident near the high school. There always seem to be those on days like this. Poor, inexperienced teen drivers going off the road and hitting the signs of businesses. This car's whole front end was crushed.

As I was driving with the snow coming down I thought about how these winter storms are similar to widowhood. The first time one hits in late November or early December, there is a sense of resolve and strength is facing the novelty of it. Getting through it one thinks, "Now that wasn't so bad. I did it. We made it through!" But by the time you're on the fourth or fifth snowstorm, some of that optimism and courage has faded. "Not this again! I can't bear another one of these. When will spring be here?"

Another factor in battling the storm of widowhood is that one has to face the challenging elements on one's own, when in the past they were faced with a partner. Then, to top that off the widowed are in various stages of grieving. So add into the mix having to cope and carry on while being depressed and/or hopeless. We're tired and not thinking too clearly, yet we're plunged into a situation where we need to remain alert and exert ourselves physically. No wonder as the weeks go by we become even more depleted while those around us expect us to be stronger!

Having to keep running on empty is a good description here. The novelty has definitely worn off.

The untouched will come back with wisdom such as "Hang in there. Spring is coming. It is just around the corner." But the snow falling just seems to represent more of an avalanche to me. I feel like I am being buried alive. I've been through a number of winters and springs now. Yes, the spring returns but eventually so do the snowstorms. This is becoming more depressing than I'd thought it would. Sorry for the discouraging imagery.

I tried to plan for this winter onslaught by doing my running around yesterday. The nursing home facility I visited and applied at actually expressed some interest in hiring me. But the big boss wasn't there so they couldn't make an offer. I knew that I'd be cooped up inside today and have given myself permission to take some time off to knit a heart as a decoration for the door. I will bake a chocolate chip coffee cake for the boys. Tonight I am making a dinner I always make on snow days. Pure comfort food and it will use those 99 cent chicken cutlets I just bought. You mix a box of Stove Top Stuffing with the turkey or chicken, add sour cream, a can of cream of chicken soup and some frozen vegetables. Bake at 350 - the recipe can be located at Stove Top's web site. It also used to be on the back of the box but since I am only buying off-brand items these days I'm not sure if it is still there!

I am making this dish for myself since the boys aren't that fond of it. It is comfort food I enjoy. I am giving myself some scheduled time off today to knit because I know I am depleted, tired and have reached a point where the snowstorms are making me a little stir crazy! I suppose that is the moral of this winter tale. We have no choice but to face the snow falling. Spring is still pretty far off in the distance. Until it arrives, it is up to us to carve out little pockets of thaw in our lives in whatever ways we can. For me, that involves cooking, baking, food, reading and knitting.
For all of those who are facing winter snowstorms that were never predicted and blew into your life with such force and intensity you were knocked off your feet, you have my sympathy and compassion as we all pick up our snow shovels to face the blinding winds yet another time!

Today I am grateful:

1. For snow plows.
2. For meteorologists.
3. For the National Weather Service.
4. For weather predictions so accurate they can advise you when the first flakes will actually start falling.
5. For instant stuffing mix and all other convenience foods someone had to invent way back that do make our lives easier.

Strength

My girlfriend and I went out Friday night to hear a band one of her friends plays in. While out, she told me that she thinks I am very strong handling all that is going on in my life right now. In fact, she said I am much stronger now than when I got remarried almost three years ago.

I told her that I do not consider myself that strong right now. I'm doing what I have to do - what other choice is there if I want to keep living? I need to be here for my boys so as hard as life is I can't zone out, or drink to deaden my pain or not work (because we need the extra money my job brings in for essentials). So I'm not sure that qualifies me for any great award here. If you're doing what you have to do because there is no other choice, that's what it is whether I'm strong or not.

Today I am grateful:

1. For iced tea.
2. That I have enough summer clothes and shoes so I don't need to buy anything new (although I could really use a new bra).
3. For bright summer nail polish colors.
4. For the church bells I hear chime from my open window.
5. For the train horns I also hear from my windows (I grew up hearing the train from my childhood home too and it is a comforting sound for me).

Your ability to survive

On Saturday, I had the rare treat of splurging on a pedicure and the nail place was quite busy before Easter. So, I also had the rare pleasure of an uninterrupted hour to read and browse through the table full of magazines while waiting. Somewhere in that large pile of magazines I read a short editorial about Harry Potter author, J.K. Rowling's 2008 Harvard Commencement speech. It struck such a chord with me that when I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up a book my oldest needs to read for a book report, I looked through the magazines there trying to find the article. But I couldn't find it. Today, I went back to the nail salon and went through the table of magazines, again coming up empty handed. Then I noticed that the Real Simple magazine wasn't there. (Someone probably took it home under their coat!) Was that where I'd seen it? That magazine would be more likely to publish such an editorial than a fashion or gossip magazine. I left discouraged but upon getting home did a search on the internet and found the whole text of the speech and the section that had caught my attention. So here it is. Very inspiring to me. I thought about all the hardship I've experienced since my husband's death and these words have soothed me.

From J.K. Rowling's June 6, 2008 Harvard Commencement speech:

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

Today I am grateful for:

1. The internet.
2. Finding quotes like this when I need them the most.
3. The advice of others who know what this is like because they've been there.
4. My less depressed mood.
5. Heat, running water, and a washer/dryer (no dishwasher though).

DETOUR

Last night I was driving home and reached a point where the train tracks were down but no train was in sight. A few bold drivers went around the tracks and a few turned around but the majority continued to sit there. I was impatient because I had to get home to the boys before it got too late. Eventually, I turned around. It was dark and I was tired and in an unfamiliar area not that sure of an alternate route. But I knew the right direction to head home toward and some of the street names were familiar so it wasn't long before I was able to pick up the main road again having gone around the train tracks.

I thought about all this on my remaining ride home. How this is so much like a metaphor for being a widow. You're going through life as planned and suddenly this tragic obstacle presents itself. You didn't do anything wrong, nor do you deserve it - this hardship just happens. So you're left having to detour from that original and expected life plan. There are a number of roads to take but in the end you go with the one that seems best. Or maybe the first road you take is wrong so then you have to turnaround and try another one.

Last night's blocked train tracks required me to take a detour. Although I was a little worried and unsure of myself, I turned around and figured out where to go. In the end I made it home - a little later than planned, but I got home. And maybe for all of us in this situation, our lives have required us to have to take unexpected detours. Our lives may be more challenging and it might take us longer to get where we're going, but I think in the end, all of us will make it home.

As I opened the door to my home, I felt relieved and also proud of myself for not freaking out and doing what I had to do. It made me realize how infrequently I give myself credit for having to navigate through life's twists and turns brought on by widowhood. This is not the life I wanted or expected but it is my life. The gift of last night also showed me that even if it's not the way it's supposed to be, there is always another route available for us to follow.

Today I am grateful:

1. For people who stand by their commitments and do what they say they'll do.
2. For the opportunity to be a friend to others.
3. For life's lessons turning up in unexpected ways.

Resilience and Strength - #2 of 2

The story continued - Part 2 of 2
A happy ending

This is what happened after the boys did not make the high school baseball teams. Even in the midst of huge disappointment and hurt on the night they were told they weren't selected, my youngest made the decision to look into Track and the oldest decided to try out for Volleyball. The youngest had been approached by the track coach even before bball tryouts so he went to see him at the end of the week and was given a warm welcome to the team. In fact, he had been pulled out of class to meet with the track coach some weeks earlier. The coach had told him that he had heard a lot of hype about him from kids who had run with him in middle school. When my son told him his times, the coach said he would probably be running Varsity in some events! Even though the season was already three weeks underway, the coach said they'd work with him to bring him up to speed.

My son then went to see the baseball coach to talk to him and find out why he hadn't made the team. He was told that they had "made a mistake" but that there was nothing they could do about it now. The coach encouraged my son to try out for the summer team. Needless to say I was very proud of my youngest for having the strength to talk to the baseball coach and also to seek out the track coach even after the team was already well underway for an opportunity to join the team. My son had his first meet last Friday and came in third in an event he ran with Sophomores. He told me they are video taping him to help him improve and his coaches remarked that it looks as though he has been running 10 years.

My oldest son had a few days off before the tryouts for volleyball even though he had never really played the sport - he went to one very brief summer camp (2 days) to learn the basic skills of the game when he was in middle school. After the Monday afternoon tryouts he told me that the kids in the group were extremely nice and all of them helped him (as well as the coaches) during his tryout. He said he loved playing but his knees were killing him and he hoped he made the team. The tryouts continued on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was just proud my son was giving this a shot - I didn't want to get my hopes up because he had never really played the sport.

On Wednesday he came home with a JV spot! The coaches told him that they had never had another kid try out who had demonstrated as much enthusiasm, worked as hard or listened to instruction better - they asked him if he could keep up the same level of intensity and when he said yes they told him he had made the team. They also said he was a natural athlete and this did a lot to help heal his bruised ego. At this point he is doing great in his practices and it looks like he may be starting in the first game next week.

I cannot relate how proud I am of my boys. They dealt with adversity and picked themselves right back up after dusting themselves off. I told both boys that I am looking to them for inspiration and strength. If they can do it so can I.

Today I am grateful:

1. That we are having unseasonably warm weather and it looks like Winter is finally gone.
2. That I am thinking less about Husband #2 and as a result have been really bearing down on getting the house cleaned out and cleared out so I can list it if that is what I decide by the start of April.
3. For my boys being able to demonstrate so much resilience and strength in the face of adversity.

Divorce Mediation and Love

Tomorrow morning is the big day - the long awaited and dreaded divorce mediation meeting. My mood is more matter-of-fact than anything else. Having lost a spouse to death, I know only too well the importance of love, commitment and marriage. I am tremendously sad that my husband did not want to make any effort at working this relationship out. What a waste of so much! But at the same time I realize that to fight for something the other person does not want is fruitless. At this point, if he truly wants a divorce I want him to have what he wants. I hope it brings him peace. I hope for myself closure. I wish for both of us future happiness. It is my sincere intent to only bring loving-kindness into the mediation arena; to be honest, fair and understanding. I have a feeling Husband #2 will not be in the same mind frame. But no matter. I hope also to carry myself with dignity and strength. And to somehow generate love toward myself and even my husband. I am wishing myself luck!

Today I am grateful:

1. For love which is stronger than everything and will prevail even in the darkest of moments.
2. For the long journey I have survived the past seven months.
3. For all the growth and insight this situation has bestowed on me.