The First Day of Christmas

In an effort to "delight" in the joy of this holiday season, I am challenging myself to create 12 crocheted or knitted tree ornaments for each of the first 12 days of December from my yarn stash. So today, I have 12 crocheted stars as a start. I've already been working on this so have gotten a head start. Anyway, it is my hope that this handiwork will keep my mind and hands occupied. It is our fourth Christmas of living under reduced circumstances and boy am I tired of it. There is no extra money left for discretionary spending and come the holidays it is another burden for an only mom's heart to bear. Next year will be better when I've moved to more affordable housing but next year is still next year and there is still this year to get through.

I'll do my best to put up a tree and have a few gifts for the boys. Somehow we'll manage. But I have to say that I'm not into the holidays this year. The decorations and lights aren't doing much to lift my spirits. I drove through our pretty, quaint, historical downtown last night and noticed that the city reduced the number of lampposts and trees they decorated. Yet I also noticed some houses had two trees inside them. I think back to my years before widowhood when I was gun ho into the holidays. One year I had four trees in my home - one in the family room, the living room, the master bedroom and a small one in the kitchen! Our house had a big picture window in the front and when I put a tree in the master bedroom window, which was over the picture window, it looked like one giant tree.

There have to be people out there who are celebrating very simply this year. But I don't hear of anyone or know anyone. I wish there were more stories or articles out there with advice on coping with the holidays under reduced circumstances. I heard that the average American will be spending about $700.00 on gifts this year. Wow! Maybe someone can interview me, the mom spending $70.00!

As tough as it is, getting through this one last difficult Christmas, I don't want to be all gloomy and doomy about it, It is what it is. Just like my widowhood situation. I'm a widow. Money is tight. Life is challenging. There are times that I don't think I can take it anymore. But all in all, December lasts just one month. And the first day of the month is already over. Only 30 more to go!

Black Thursday

This year some stores will be open on Thanksgiving. What in the world needs to be purchased at Michael's craft store that couldn't wait until Black Friday? Really, someone is going to leave their family and the holiday celebration to go out to a Michael's? And what about the employees who have to work that shift?

I see the madness of consumerism and get depressed. It is hard to be an observer when you can't be a participant. I watch the t.v. commercials and everyone in them is smiling and happy. Now I know that they are actors in commercials but a part of me starts feeling bad because I don't look like these happy moms in the commercials gearing up to hit the Target 2-day sale.

Now what would really inspire me and actually make me happy would be a realistic portrayal of a real single/only mom worried about getting her kids a few Christmas gifts and how to pay the electric bill at the same time. It would portray a normal looking woman hunched over a kitchen table flipping through her pile of bills and looking forlornly at her checkbook...

Oh, and can there please be a ban on those Lexus commercials where people actually get a $50,000 vehicle for their Christmas gift! I know I should just laugh at the ridiculousness of these ads but they still make me sad...

Curse of the Cap Sleeves

Ha, ha. I told my youngest that I was having trouble with a title for this post. He looked at the photos and suggested "Purple Odd Clothing." Maybe the clothing manufacturers should listen to him. Anyway, this post is inspired by the fact that I tried to buy a new outfit for my oldest son's graduation without luck. I ended up wearing a pretty linen top in coral paired with a pair of sage green capri pants. It looked nice with the addition of a multi-colored stone necklace. But I would have enjoyed wearing something new.

After a number of years of being unable to afford to buy new clothing and making due, I am severely disappointed by the choices greeting me in the stores. What is it about the cap sleeves this season? Those cap sleeves are why I didn't purchase anything for the graduation. Really. How many women are lucky enough to be able to wear tops or dresses with them?

The average size of an American woman is 14. And based on the women I've seen in these tops, they shouldn't be wearing them .

Designers take note: if you want to play toward a trend go for it but at least offer other options. To go into Talbot's and not find one top with sleeves other than capped is pretty bad.

Now on to the bathing suit issue. As it is 101 degrees here I decided to get a new bathing suit so I can use the pool in our complex. Went on the "dreaded" bathing suit hunt only to find that the stores don't have any more in stock! I asked the saleswoman at the national clothing store chain when I "should" have purchased a suit and she advised in January. Now that was the time we were dealing with overly harsh winter and I tell you even thinking about a bathing suit was the virtual LAST thing on my mind!

Lucily, I was able to order the absolute last suit remaining in my size online at the store! It better fit because if it doesn't I quess I won't be going swimming this summer. I have heard of some moms who have been unable to find mittens, gloves and hats for their kids who've lost them in January. This is so silly. Appropriate merchandise should remain out and available when it is needed.

And here is my grand finale! My Mary Maxim Craft Catalog arrived in the mail today - the Fall issue! But I just don't have any urge to be crafting pumkins and scarecrows right now!

What Next?

We live in a society where apparently wire tomato cages are no longer acceptable and colored ones need to be in our gardens. Are you kidding me? In today's economy they're producing products like this? We seem to be more concerned with "stuff" and less concerned with helping people, particularly woman, lead less stressed-out lives.

Here is my crazy story for the day. These past few weeks leading up to high school graduation have been a crazed, somewhat overwhelming stream of days and nights, one after the other, with no break for a breather. I was pretty tired today and after work lay down for a brief rest. I awakened at 6:00 with my youngest son in the shower. I figured it was Friday morning and that I had slept through the night although it didn't really seem I had.

My son asked for money, which I assumed was for lunch out. He said he and his friends were going to Taco Bell and I figured with the finals schedule, most kids have free periods or leave early and get lunch out. I noticed with some alarm that my oldest wasn't home - I asked my youngest where he was and was told he had slept over at a friend's. My youngest appeared to be leaving for school so I gave him some Fiber One Bars to take for breakfast. He took them without any word. As soon as he left, I called my oldest to be sure he would be at school for the graduation ceremony practice. He laughingly told me it was Thursday. It wasn't Thur. I informed him but Friday! We bantered back and forth a bit. No one mentioned that it was Thur. p.m. so I kept assuming it was still Thur. a.m.

I started to question my sanity. Where and how had I goofed up my week like this? I still believed it was Fri. a.m. and actually made a cup of tea and ate a granola bar for breakfast. I was about ready to jump in the shower to get ready for work when I made some more calls and finally figured out that I had only been asleep two hours instead of the entire night.

I was pretty relieved at this because what upset me the most about this entire mix-up was the fact that I thought I had to work two more days instead of only one.

What a strange and somewhat disconcerting experience. To be so busy and tired that you lose track of time and the days. And this has not been the first time something like this has happened. I lost an entire week back in January!

You'd think that with all our technology and advances in science and manufacturing that some attention could be directed toward reducing the stress and strain existing in our lives. I guess what I'm feeling is that instead of even MORE choices at the stores such as these tomato cages (which ARE cute, I agree but entirely unnecessary) that we need to reduce our choices. Anyway, that is just my opinion. That of an over-stressed, over-worked, over-tired mom trying to keep it together as we enter the final week before graduation.

I must say everyone is getting a good laugh out of this. Sam mentioned that I have seemed VERY tired the past few days and my oldest son commented that I was really out of it. The fact that I ate a granola bar with tea thinking it was the a.m. when it was the p.m. is very amusing to me. Might I recommend Nature Valley Crunchy "Oats 'n Dark Chocolate" - very tasty!

Ode to a Purse

After three years of making due with whatever has already been in my closet, I ended that period of deprivation with a purchase of a much needed purse today. A $12.00 purse from Family Dollar, no less. But I have wanted it since seeing it in the fall. And it is making me very pleased and happy. I love the plum color as I usually carry green bags. Purple/amethyst is supposed to represent plenty and financial prosperity and I can use all the good luck now whether superstition or not.

And that brings me to having to say goodbye to my present bag. I was lucky to find it in the closet this spring, still with its tag on, a BOGO from Payless some years ago. I ended up loving this bag - the bright green color that cheered me, the large size big enough to carry a paperback, knitting project and small lunch if need be. So although I usually change my bag in fall to one in an autumn color, this year partly because lack of funds and because I loved the bag so much, I just kept using it. And still kept using it up until now when I like to change bags to fit the winter season - a more muted color tone.

I hate to say goodbye to this purse that I would probably have never even used if I hadn't had to go digging for one since I couldn't afford a new one last spring. It is showing signs of wear and I think when items become shabby it is time to retire them. This bag will go down as one of my all time favorites. It served me well and gave me a lot of enjoyment every time I carried it and even looked at it.

I am not into designer handbags but a few years ago did fall in love with an orange leather satchel from Talbots that was almost $200.00. I thought about waiting to purchase it when it went on sale but never got around to it. Funny, how an inexpensive item can bring so much enjoyment and be practical and useful at the same time. This $20.00 bag from Payless I am sure ended up bringing me even greater pleasure than that over priced Talbot's bag.

I like my new plum bag too even though it is not leather - like that it is from Family Dollar and only $12.00. I don't think I'll end up "loving" it but it is nice to have a new bag and to retire one that has served its purpose but is now past its time.

I have come to appreciate the deals found at stores like Family Dollar. I have a new bag that didn't break the bank, looks good and pleases me because I've treated myself to something new, as well as needed.

Goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to things we love and let new things in even if they are unfamiliar and different.

Happy Valentine's Day!

For anyone eager to move past the holidays, they won't need to wait long because Valentine's Day candy is already up at my grocery store. I remember earlier in the season being upset when Christmas lights were put up at Halloween but now that the holidays are over, I feel a bit sad.

Since my husband's death, the holidays have never the same. I was thinking this year about how we no longer ride around the pretty neighborhoods looking at the twinkling lights. I am always so rushed, even the years when we didn't really celebrate much. Now the holidays are over and I feel that I really didn't even have an opportunity to savor them. By the time the dust settles and I am in a place to enjoy the season, it is already over. I suppose this is ditto for whatever season we are in - the elegance of autumn, fun of Halloween, the radiant spring sunshine and flowers. By the time I even realize and appreciate the season I am in, it has already passed and we are whizzing ahead to the next event on the calendar.

I was always busy as a young married mom, but never felt the regret of the passing seasons as I have as a widow. Somehow there was more time because I had more help and a partner by my side to share the season with. It makes a huge difference. I hope this year is different in some way. I'm not sure how I can make my life less busy and full. But I hope in some way to try and greet each special holiday with an intensity I haven't been able to in previous years. Maybe I need to spend a little time each week planning for Christmas and Halloween starting now? I know that in Victorian times the women made all their gifts and the preparations began in the summer. This year I do not want to see the holidays flit by without being able to say that I felt them in my heart!

Not Missing Anything

Heard today that holiday shopping sales were up 5.5%, the best sales figures since 2007, the year we started experiencing hardship and I stopped shopping. I have to say that since that time, I have missed buying Christmas gifts, decorations, household items and clothing. We've pretty much used what we have already owned and haven't replaced items unless absolutely necessary.

I've just stayed out of the malls and stores as much as possible with the exception of the used book store and going to the craft store every once in awhile. There are times that I have to go to the mall or a major department store for one of the boys, but not very often. I guess over the past years I have felt deprived and as though I have been missing out on things. It has been hard. There is a sense of pride that I've made it three years without buying myself any clothing (except one top on sale for $11.00). I find when I go to the stores and see items that I start to want them. If I don't see things, I don't miss them or care.

I'm not sure why holiday sales were up this year because I think we are still a nation suffering economically. This year was better for us not so much that I had more money, but that I was able to be better able to navigate the "system" (finding out about the Christmas Store in our community that allowed me to buy new gifts for my sons at greatly reduced cost) and getting the online gift card and gifts from the kind woman at the food pantry. My sons also received gifts from a friend of their late father so actually had a total of $70.00 cash!

My youngest wanted to get his girlfriend another small gift to go with the key necklace he had already purchased. We had discussed the idea of a perfume set. So on Sunday he asked me to take him out to some stores and we hit Walgreen's first where the perfume aisle was stripped bare. The Christmas aisle was also getting empty and was full of people tossing through items - the whole scene reminded me of a mob mentality - not that bad but still crazy and chaotic. We went to WalMart next with again entire shelves lying empty. Onward to Bath and Body Works which was insanely crowded. My son and I were getting claustrophobic from the pushing and brushing up against us as others passed by. My poor son asked me to choose the fragrance and dutifully smelled the sample cards in front of his nose. But after about 15 minutes he said they all had started to smell the same and he didn't care what we got as long as we chose something and got the heck out of there!

We ended up with a cute pair of fuzzy and soft socks on sale for $3.00 and then got three fragrances for $10.00 in the Cherry Blossom scent, Midnight Pomegranate and Vanilla Berry - total amount, $13.00. Then we stood 29th in line to pay for this small purchase. Yes, we were the 29th customers in line. How nutty is that?

I haven't witnessed this kind of shopping in a number of years and it made me feel sad. Go home and spend time with your families I wanted to say to some of the people. At the same time, being in the store for an hour or so resulted in me starting to want some of the things I saw - in particular, a nutmeg scented candle even though I still have a pretty ample supply of candles left to burn.

My oldest son went to the mall to buy a set of sheets for one of his girlfriend's gifts a few days before Christmas; (I like his practicality, she needed them and had requested a sheet set) and told me he would never go to a mall again so close to Christmas - it was crowded and he did not enjoy the experience although he got a good parking spot.

My youngest son and I were relieved to leave the fragrance store and head on home. The only thing I think I enjoyed out of the experience was looking at the cute snowflake garland hung from the ceiling in pinks and reds.

All these years I've thought I've been missing out on the shopping experience and the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Now I realize that I haven't really missed out on anything at all. It meant a great deal for me to be able to have gifts for the boys this year but I realize that the past years without gifts weren't the end of the world. Gifts are nice in moderation but not worth fighting over in a Walgreen's aisle or spending the better part of an afternoon getting. Going without has made us far more grateful for what we did receive and what we have. I think all of us realize as well that things don't make us happy and that we can learn to live without when need be.

We've all become far more thoughtful and deliberate in our actions, thinking, speaking and spending. In the end, maybe the biggest surprise is that looking back, not having gifts has ended up becoming a gift. Go figure. Never would I have thought that or even considered that in 2007!

Christmas Shopping

Yesterday my youngest asked to be taken out to purchase a gift for his girlfriend (they've been friends awhile but going out for just about a month). He wanted to get her some kind of jewelry with the $11.00 he had as well as a fleece scarf from Old Navy. The scarves were advertised for only a dollar and we got to the store about three hours after they sold out. It was my fault we got there too late - when you have teen boys sometimes everything that goes wrong becomes mom's fault. So then we hit Walmart. They had some earring and necklace sets for $5.00 but my son preferred the ones a little higher in quality. Those were necklaces ranging from $9.00 - $12.00. He wasn't keen on a heart but eventually was convinced by my assurances that keys were big this year, judging from the ones I've seen in catalogs. So he went with the necklace in the middle of the photo because it was sterling vs. stainless steel and I had to kick in an extra two dollars.

I've been pretty good thus far this year not getting envious or upset when I see the jewelry commercials on t.v., particularly the ones with husbands buying their wives Christmas gifts. I will say though that I started to covet a Pandora charm bracelet after seeing the commercial with the three daughters saying over and over, "Did Dad go to Jared? Oh yeah, he went to Jared," they affirm as the mom oozes over her Pandora bracelet.

Some days I feel so naked. I don't wear any jewelry anymore, having sold it all or pawned it for pawn shop loans. I have a few pieces on loan that I pay a small amount for every month until I can afford to pick them up. These include one of my wedding/engagement rings sets from my first marriage and the wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond from my second marriage. It was custom designed by me and I figure one day I can replace the diamond with perhaps a less expensive gem stone. I have a couple other nice diamond and gold rings I'd wear on my right hand. Nothing extravagant. Just nicer than costume jewelry and pretty.

I miss having jewelry to wear. I enjoyed it and it was fun to express myself that way. I preferred rings most of all. I think that when life improves, I'm going to celebrate and treat myself to a custom ring. Something not expensive but meaningful. I want it to symbolize survival, strength and growth. I saw a woman recently with such a ring, I think just crafted out of sterling. I noticed it at some school event and commented on it and she told me how she had had it made for herself. This might be an idea for someone to launch onto: "Survival Jewelry" to symbolize triumph over life's adversities.

Seeing the inexpensive costume jewelry at Walmart made me wish for a little necklace or a new pair of earrings. I always lose my earrings and am down to one pair. At the holiday concert the other week I spied a woman with a quilted Vera Bradley bag and yes, I drooled. I am not into shoes but boy I do appreciate a nice purse and Vera bags are so colorful and fun. I've been wanting one for three years! It's okay to want nice and pretty things. A Vera bag wouldn't break the bank at about $50.00.

Anyway, I've done pretty well as I said before avoiding not feeling bad because I can't afford anything past essentials right now. I stay out of stores on purpose if at all I can avoid going into them. But seeing all the people at Old Navy and Walmart buying gifts did jolt me out of my self-imposed blinders and it surprised me how quickly I wanted to indulge in a small treat for myself.

I love vintage jewelry and always thought that if I ever remarry I'd ask my spouse for an old pin on gift giving occasions instead of other more expensive options. Vintage pins run about $10.00 - $20.00 and are so fun, with such variety for every season.

I don't have expensive tastes and boy have they become even less expensive in recent years. But I also want to be real and admit that I'm tired of pinching pennies and a few extra dollars to have for discretionary spending would be nice. I don't want to be so poor anymore.

Black Friday Blues

I am feeling that crash that sometimes comes after a big event or holiday celebration. For a day your cares and worries are put aside and then you wake up with the same issues and problems briefly forgotten and end up feeling worse!

The boys are grumpy too but went to the gym to work out and hopefully release some of their tensions. I am trying not to mope and have vowed to keep active today and do what I can - wash dishes, try out a soup recipe, knit, clean, read. It is a bit cold but a walk would probably do me a world of good right now so I'll put that on the table too.

The point being, I don't want to just despair and feel helpless. Even accomplishing the dishes and having a clean sink is something. I could lie down and do nothing and tomorrow end up with having to do the dishes anyway. Activity vs. inactivity, no matter how insignificant or mindless it seems. Distraction too - trying to keep my mind focused on other things than the normal anxieties and worries like trying the soup recipe.

The Black Friday ads really have bummed me out and bothered me this year. I didn't notice them last year or maybe with the move and school I just wasn't watching as much t.v. I just know this season, since Halloween, I have absolutely despised that TJ Maxx commercial with the carolers on the escalator. All the ads depict happy moms (mostly) looking forward to shopping for their "normal" families. I am not one of those normal moms and I am poor besides. Looking at these manufactured glimpses of what we're supposed to be has resulted in my feeling worse about myself and my situation even though I know it is all just Hollywood advertising hype and hoopla.

I know retailers are trying to get shoppers in early because of the Recession. But what happens when you are one of those struggling Americans grateful for food on the table much less gifts? I fear this will be year number three with no gifts under our tree and it is hitting me hard. I view these happy actors in the t.v. ads and think I need to feel as joyful as they are but am so consumed with the reality of my life that of course, I can't. Anyway, they are just actors (but at least they had a paying job!).

Well, enough of this. I read something a few months back that rather upset me. I don't remember where it was from, probably a magazine article or maybe on the internet. Anyway, it was for single moms with the message of how important it is for us to continue holiday traditions and to make sure we observe the holidays for our kids. As if we need that added pressure added to our plates I mused! My boys are older, but it is still difficult to be in a situation where there isn't anything left even for a modest gift or two. I have looked into a couple of holiday programs in my area but they only provide gifts for kids ages 12 and under.

These past few years have been even more difficult for single and only parents because of unemployment and the Recession. I find it hard to put on a happy, holiday, cheerful face. But I will try. There is still the possibility that our family will be chosen to be adopted by a business. And if not, I'll have to put on that game face and do the best I can under extremely limited and reduced circumstances. In the meantime, I'm going to turn off the t.v. whenever one of those fake and phony ads come on.

Just Getting By

The boys (when they're home) and I watch the popular Fox show "Glee" about a high school glee club. This week's episode had as one of the plots, two widowed parents getting together and starting a relationship. One of the kids confronts his mom with his displeasure over this development. She holds her ground and is not going to let him sway her away from continuing her relationship. She responds with "We're just getting by" and goes on to say that she doesn't want a getting by life anymore.

The writer coming up with those lines deserves some praise for their insight. I totally got and can relate to this character's feelings - I knew exactly what she meant by "just getting by." In my opinion that is a very accurate description of widowhood.

Many times in the past I've heard from people who've said that I need to be strong and forge on by myself. There was a looking down on my desire to remarry and not live alone. I've often felt guilty and weak for admitting how much I hate widowhood because I prefer to be with someone and I don't like living alone or being alone. It is a getting by life and why would I want that when I could have a life that feels more complete, full and happy when I'm involved and living with a committed partner?

Never, not once did I ever even consider my life when I was married as getting by - that would have been a very foreign description to me. But it permeates my existence as a widow. It certainly suggests incompleteness and I think that is what people have probably meant when they've told me to make the best of life on my own. They mean that I shouldn't sell myself short or live in a cave because I'm not attached. I get that and it makes sense. But even hanging in there and being as strong as I can and facing life with courage doesn't take away the reality that we're just getting by. And I certainly want to live a life that for me feels more complete and less stressful, less strained financially and emotionally.

So while I give a heads up to the writer(s) of Glee for this good insight in regard to the land of the widowed I do take some points away for the recent barrage of t.v. commercials that have been airing that seem to only depict married, straight couples in them. All the Lowes commercials involve married couples shopping together. There is a phone ad for a husband shopping for an espresso maker to give to his wife as a gift. A shoe commercial where the shoes are alive and coupled together. The male shoe gets in trouble for his roving eye when a sexy, strapless number walks by. Sears appliance commercials involving marrieds as well. The list goes on and on.

Our society is caught up in the unreality of married couplehood considering 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And there is a significant percentage of extramarital affairs as well which really surprised me as I did not realize it was so high. So we're bombarded with all this about what is the ideal. Even though it is a false ideal, it still hits you when you're in the minority and partnerless. It is an insidious breakdown where for me I start to believe that there must be something fundamentally wrong with my being and character since I'm not strutting into Lowes, smiling to buy light bulbs with a husband!

But anyway, despite t.v. and corporate America's unrealistic view of society, most of us I would bet place a high value on marriage and it is what is portrayed as the ideal.

As for getting by, I'd say that is another way of life that isn't upheld as an ideal in our society. We're always striving for what is better. Having to settle isn't considered a good decision. And from personal experience I do agree in this situation. I've had a good respectful marriage and I've been alone now. I'll take being one of those people depicted in the Lowes' ads hands down compared with the struggling, tired looking widow on Glee. I hope things work out for the two Glee characters - they deserve to be the next smiling ones in an appliance ad.

Easter 2010

I had a bit of a downer this Easter. It seems with every "holiday" or special occasion that I feel in a funk. Maybe it was prompted by all the t.v. ads showing intact families frolicking around on hillsides covered with blooming spring flowers. Or the ones showing families out on shopping excursions buying their Easter outfits or racing around searching for hidden eggs. Anyway, I experienced those feelings of loss that come upon me during these times. Feeling incomplete and lonely. Feeling that our little family of three is lacking because of the huge hole that exists with our husband/dad no longer here to fill it and make us the family we once were.

These family portrayals on t.v. and in print advertisements depict the ideal or image of what a family unit is. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce there are many other versions of families out there - it would be nice to sometimes see these real families in ads. And part of me is angry for buying into this fantasy. For feeling bad because my family isn't the "ideal," whatever that is anyway. But I guess that is the whole point of advertising. It makes us want that ideal we don't have. But in my case, I could care less about the pretty shoes or clothes - I want the man and life we all once had - when we could have been that cute family holding hands and skipping down the street in our new spring outfits.

I used to go all out for the boys BW (Before Widowhood). They always received huge baskets filled with toys in addition to candy. This year I picked up a token acknowledgment of the day - they each got a package of Reese's Eggs, a crispy rice chocolate bunny and a cookies & cream bunny - grand total of about $3.50!

Again as with Valentine's Day, when I was out and about, all my eyes seemed to pick up on was families with both parents and kids together or couples. Funny how that seems to happen.

I surely did not expect to get hit with this on Easter. This is a celebration that has other meanings both religious and then spring renewal and all. But I guess underneath those major themes is that of getting together and celebrating as family be it with an egg hunt, church service or brunch out.

As with Valentine's Day, I am finding that once the day passed, my mood improved and I felt less pressure surrounding my heart and soul. We survived it for another year at least.

I do wish these days were not so painful. Everyday has its challenges for us. Everyday a sense of loss is present. But on major holidays/celebrations the ghosts that haunt us seem to be more intense. Which is really kind of a slap in the face because to some extent these events exist in our culture to serve as days to lift our spirits and give us breaks from the tedium of our lives.

The Bacon That Got Away

Melaka very kindly responded to my last post by suggesting I check out the Angel Food Ministries at www.angelfoodministries.com. I had not heard of this organization. They have local host sites that package fresh foods which you order online in advance and then pickup on a certain date. There is a menu for each month and it looks like you need to place your order by mid-month to be able to pick up your selections by the end of the month. There are great deals on meat packages (approx. $32.00 a box) but because we do not eat beef it would not be beneficial for me to order one. So I checked out the fresh fruit and vegetables. Here is this month's box at a cost of $22.00:

3 lbs. oranges
2 lbs. red delicious apples
1 lb. plums
4 pears
4 Fuji apples
2 grapefruit
6 small boxes rasins
3 lbs. red potatoes
2 lbs. onions
1 head green cabbage
1 lb. baby carrots
1 lb. dried pinto beans

I decided to go to my local ALDI and see what the cost of the same items would be there to see if it would be worth placing an online order. ALDI had everything but the cabbage and Fuji apples. They also had bigger quantities - a 4 lb. bag of oranges, 3 lbs. of red delicious apples, 5 lbs. of red potatoes, 2 lbs. of tangerines instead of just four. Substitituting a head of cauliflower for the cabbage and not including the Fuji apples, the total cost of these items not including tax was $18.74!

Shopping at ALDI is what is saving me at this point. I only go to the "regular" grocery store if they have a good special. The regular store also has a section in their meat dept. where they put the items that are close to code. That is how I get all our meat. On Friday I got 2 packages of turkey burgers, then one each of turkey tenerloins, turkey cutlets and turkey Italian sausage for just $5.00 or 99 cents a package. I try to stop by every day just to see what may be available for 99 cents. Once I passed on a package of bacon because I try to limit our processed foods. But I kept kicking myself for passing on it because I could have put it in the freezer. Now I tell myself that whenever I see a deal too good to pass up to get it. I'll throw it in the freezer.

I have found that our local dollar store sells bread for 50 cents a loaf, as well as hamburger and hot dog buns. I got a loaf of white, wheat and hamburger buns this weekend. I checked out the bakery on the back label. Turns out the bread is from the famous Chicago bakery, Gonnella! What a find. This bread is really good quality. Who would have ever thought that I'd get so excited over a 50 cent load of bread.

I've also discovered another store that markets to an ethnic population. They have discounted bakery items and fruits and vegetables too. Like a large package of apples, oranges and pears for just 99 cents. At the regular store they have a special now on General Mills cereal, four boxes for $5.00. I got four on Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas here. The boys were so happy to have brandname cereal to eat. I ended up having cereal for dinner this weekend when the boys were out and it was a wonderful treat. I am going back for four more boxes.

I've been baking muffins and cookies to supplement our soup and sandwich dinners. They seem to make up for the budget stretching. I have rediscoverd that box of Bisquick and have just baked one of my favorite comfort food recipes - the crumb coffee cake with the brown sugar and cinnamon topping. Yummy.

I am proud of my thriftiness and creativity in the kitchen. If there is anything positive that has come out of my financial distress it is that I no longer take money and shopping for granted. Before widowhood, I'd go to the regular grocery store and fill my cart with whatever I wanted. I didn't clip coupons but by the same token I didn't go overboard. We were never an extravagant steak-eating family. I shopped the sales. But I never worried about writing the check to pay the bill. And there was waste with fresh food items often being thrown out or leftovers not being saved. I will never go back to that mindset. A loaf of bread has become dear and I long for the day I'll find another 99 cent package of bacon. This time I am going to grab it before it gets away!

Fun, Easy, Cheap Cookie Recipe - Best Served After Budget Dinner Leaves Kids Hungry For A Treat - Great With Large Glasses of Filling Milk

Fudge Crinkles (Betty Crocker)

1 box Devil's Food Cake Mix
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 t. vanilla
powdered sugar

Mix all ingredients except powdered sugar. Shape dough into one inch-balls. Roll in powdered sugar. Place balls two inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes at 350. (I redipped the baked cookies in more powder sugar because they needed it after baking).

Today I am grateful:

1. For ALDI grocery stores.
2. For store brand labels that I can use instead of namebrands at less cost.
3. For all the 99 cent meat specials I find because they let me afford meat - please keep them coming my way.
4. For programs like the Angel Food Ministries that realize folks need and deserve affordable fresh food items and more than canned goods.
5. For the bacon that got away because it taught me the value of getting a deal and not passing on another one in the future.

Wanting And Needing (Ode To A Calendar)

I am not a winter person and especially find January bleak and uninspiring. The only thing that salvages this time of year, in my opinion, it that we can start off with a fresh calendar and/or datebook. I always enjoy browsing the huge display of calendars that they put out in the book stores starting in October and usually by this time have purchased several. I have to have a datebook to carry in my bag or purse that sets out the boys' sports schedules, important phone numbers, etc. Then I like to have one with pretty pictures to hang in the kitchen. For the bedroom and my desk, I've always loved those page-a-day ones and have gotten them with knitting, crochet, water color painting, origami, cross stitch themes and so on. And oftentimes I'd give one of the boys a calendar of their favorite sports team as a Christmas gift.

If I am remembering correctly, I came across the figure a few years back that there are more than 300 different calendar themes to choose from. By now, maybe that number is up to 500! Talk about something for everyone - birds, cooking, gardening, puzzles, flowers, cute baby animals, The Far Side, jokes, nature... When you think about it, it is kind of amazing to have that much choice and selection. But also at the same time another in-your-face reminder of how our society operates - people will buy more, if there is more to buy. Boy, don't I know that being tempted to get more than one in the past. I remember those days when I was a kid and there were only a few designs to select from. It has almost gotten out-of-hand with too much product on the shelf, no matter what section of the store you are in. I once counted the soap dispensers available at Target and it was over 30!

Anyway, it has been a tough couple years financially. I have bit the bullet and strived to use and make do with what I already have. I came across the huge calendar displays at various times over the fall and resisted my impulse to at least get one of the page-a-days with the knitting or crochet theme since those are my hobbies. But alas, while I can hold off on buying new clothes and such, a calendar is one of those items that is non-usable. It needs to be replaced every year. So I went to Barnes & Noble earlier in the week to obtain a datebook. I'd been organizing my purse and records inspired by that surge we get come Jan. 1, and determined that a datebook is not something I can survive without.

I live in a big metropolitan area and the stores around here sell out of their stock quickly. The remaining calendar selection was slim but I found one that I liked with a design of birds that was cute and it was only $4.00, half price (plus I got another member discount so all was good). I had hoped to find one of the knitting or crochet page-a-days left but there were not any. This ended up disappointing me so the next day I went to another larger book store to see if they had any. They did not.

I was surprised at how much this started to bother me. I wanted one of these calendars and regretted not getting one earlier. They feature almost daily knitting/crochet patterns and pack a lot of bang into your buck. You're basically getting 100+ patterns for just $16.00 (full cost). I was disappointed and could have lived with not having one of those calendars this year - so be it - it wasn't the year for excess spending, think ahead to next year. But then I remembered that in past years they've had those stores in the mall that solely sell calendars at this time. So I said, "What the heck," I'll make a quick run to the mall and check it out.

Along with winter, I'm not a mall person. Just don't enjoy going to them and haven't for many years. I prefer hitting the smaller strip malls or to order by catalog. I was on a mission - to see if there was a calendar store and to get in and out as soon as possible. I entered the mall through a large department store and have to say that I did gaze longingly at the cute pajamas they had on sale for 70% off. Then when I walked through the fragrance section, I did think about how nice it would be to be able to afford a new scent. But for the time being I am doing okay using what I already have. And it does ultimately end up feeling better to use what I have!

Just a short distance away from this store was the calendar store and I purchased two page-a-day ones. I got the last knitting one they had and the crochet one, of which there were several. They were half-price so I paid $16.00 for both. I figure that ends up to be about 5 cents a day for a whole lot of enjoyment throughout the year. When I put the cost factor into it, I was able to justify the purchase. Making this purchase was also more meaningful because of the savings, as well as the fact that I'd had to search for the product after making the conscious decision that it was something that I really wanted and would miss if I didn't have. In the past, I'd just pick up one of the calendars back in October - it was a taken for granted, almost mindless purchase. This time is different. I am grateful that I found the calendars and that I'll be able to enjoy them all year. And again I am struck by the reality that it is often the little things that end up meaning the most. I also recently read that "the high" we obtain from material items is very short-lived. I found that once I got out of the sleepware and frangrance departments, I didn't really have any desire for pjs or a new bottle of perfume. Out of sight, out of mind.

Part of me wrestles with whether I should have restrained myself from making this purchase. After all, it wasn't entirely necessary. The datebook was what I really needed. But then I go back to the 5 cents a day cost and tell myself that indeed, it is worth that small cost. Even in the middle of struggles, whatever they may be, there have to be ways that we can treat ourselves and nurture our souls.

Today I am grateful that:

1. The snowstorm wasn't as bad as predicted.
2. Already the worst week of the entire year (in my opinion) is over!
3. There was one knitting calendar left and I got it.
4. The boys are getting caught up with their school work.
5. I don't have to shovel myself out as I did when I was a homeowner (at least one perk to renting).

Is It An Oven Mitt Or A Mitten?

I am doing my best to not post anything depressing or down today - for my sake as well as those who read. So here is a funny situation that had the boys and I laughing hysterically last night.

I am knitting some items for my oldest son's girlfriend - mittens, ski band, scarf and mittens. My son and I picked up some little things from the dollar store. And he is using the gift cards he got from her (Walmart and Kohl's) to get her something else.

When my son saw the mittens I'd made he was visibly disappointed. He told me they looked like an oven mitt! I guess they were a little big and bulky. I ended up going to bed unsure of what I would do. This morning, I got up and immediately set to work on crocheting another pair of mittens in a smaller size. And my son was much more pleased. I'm not sure what will come of the larger sized pair. My son told me he could still give them to his girlfriend to use as oven mitts - but I don't think they are bulky enough to provide protection from the heat.

I don't know what happened - I made the mittens as per the directions. Despite my aggravation at having to redo a couple hours of work, the situation did provide us all with a lot of laughter and cheap entertainment. The laughs lasted all night. And I suppose that is a gift of sorts. Although as I'm still laughing over this, my youngest is telling me that the moment is way over!

Skipping Christmas For Real

I have stopped including my gratitude list of five things at the end of each of my posts. I should go back and see the date of when that happened. But today I am grateful that I haven't overdrafted my checking account. There is still $109.21 as of today left in it, so I am extremely grateful that I can still afford some food to get through until the 1st. It took a bit of juggling the bills to make it this month. Driving back and forth to Sam's each weekend put a big crimp into the budget. But I made it through fingers crossed. The worry and concern over bouncing a check is always on my mind too. I am going to go to Walgreen's to see if I can return a folding table I bought a few months ago and never used. I'd thought that I'd use it in the kitchen or as a computer printer stand but never did. That would get me $25.00 back, which would be enough for a Christmas feast! But I read the back of the receipt and it states that returns have to be made within 30 days. I'm hoping they'll give me a break.

Last night to scrimp and save I made pot pies for dinner with a can of peas which I thought would be filling. The pot pies each cost 50 cents. I had one pie and gave my youngest son two. The oldest was going out with friends and said he could grab a sandwich at someone's house. Right now my stomach is rumbling - the peas were not as filling as I'd thought. I'll be running out soon to pick up some groceries doing exactly what they say not to - shop when you're hungry.

My dear girlfriend called to tell me the time for us to come over to her home on Christmas - 3:00 p.m. She said she is trying to get caught up wrapping the gifts for her three kids, who have been very close to mine the past 13 years. I felt so removed from her statement because this year I have absolutely no gifts to wrap or purchase. This was the Christmas that wasn't. It will just be another day besides going to my girlfriend's for dinner. Part of me actually feels some relief about not being caught up in the celebration. But that may just be a front to keep me from feeling upset that the boys won't have any gifts to open. They did receive new phones from Sam who included unlimited texting and internet use too. Yes, this is nice but it would also be nice for them to be able to open up a little something - a surprise. Does it count that a few months ago I bought them each $200.00 of clothing (from the Used Teen Clothing Store Plato's Closet?). No, I think phones and clothes are in the pile of necessities parents are supposed to provide for their kids. They are a given.

Oh, I forgot. I did buy two things for the boys back when I thought our financial condition was more sound - a Packer's bean bag chair and some music picture (drums, guitar). I left them at Sam's because the car was too full coming back yesterday. Our trip back was delayed a good hour because my oldest drove into the piled snow at the side of Sam's steep driveway and it took a concentrated shoveling effort and even the strength of four big guys from down the street to get the van out. I told the boys I'd give them the gifts as New Year's presents.

But for now I am grateful for a roof over our heads be it at Sam's or here at the apartment. And that there is still money for food and maybe I can even afford a package of Christmas cookies.

It is funny - just the other day I saw one of my favorite holiday movies, "Christmas with the Kranks", which is based on the adorable novel "Skipping Christmas" by John Grisham. Unlike the movie or book, this year this family is really skipping Christmas.

Finally, A Loss I'M Not Crying Over!

Last night was my final shift at the big box store. I have worked there eight months, yet not one person said goodbye to me or acknowledged my leaving. Pretty sad. I have always felt invisible working at the store. There are 100 employees and so many shifts. The lunch/dinner breaks are staggered so we would eat alone. We were chastised when we briefly talked to co-workers. It was not an environment conducive for forming any type of attachments. And yet despite these obstacles, there were a few people I enjoyed working with and developed a sort of limited co-worker relationship with.

The sales/money emphasis did not fit well with who I am or what I believe in. If anything, my stint working retail made me realize that I have to work as a caregiver within some type of social services environment. The inconsistent hours also wrecked havoc on all our lives. "Only" parents need as much stability and consistency in their lives as possible. Never knowing from one week to the next when I'd be working was stressful. And I hated that there was never any rhyme or reason to how they scheduled the hours. I was always put as a closer. I've only now figured out (I think) that this is because my last name is at the end of the alphabet. People up front in the alphabet worked the morning and day hours. I started to get resentful that women with no kids at home or with husbands, got to work more manageable hours than me. I have struggled leaving the boys to run wild all these Fri. and Sat. nights. I would talk to various managers about getting more hours which I desperately needed and day hours at that but it never seemed to make an impact - maybe because there were so many of them and no one ever coordinated schedule changes with the others.

Anyway, that is all in the past now. It was one of those experiences that is fleeting and not very relevant in the grand scheme of things. One of those transition/fill-in jobs we take to get by while our lives are in-flux.

I have been greatly humbled by my financial experiences and working at this store put a lot of my new perspective into focus for me. The junk everyone buys and so much of it. I seemed to see a lot of consumerism for the sake of filling up unmet needs. Buying so much crap is not the answer folks! Those of us who have faced significant losses understand this. I put so much thought into anything I buy now - is it needed, necessary; do we really like/love it; how good is the quality; will it last? It seems as though so many buying Christmas and holiday gifts were just choosing things willy-nilly to put into their carts. There is always such a frantic quality to the holiday shopping season. Does anyone truly need a snowman toilet seat cover? Okay, maybe someone does who goes all out decorating for the season and will be having a lot of company in and out of their bathroom. But how about, and this is my favorite, a gadget that you put on the end of a banana in the event you only eat half of it? What happened to using a baggie or some plastic wrap?

The Western world is overly materialistic. We are programmed to believe that if we don't have this or that we won't be happy or we're not good enough. I just remember really being struck at the moment of my husband's death with the realization that he left this world as he came in and took nothing with him but love. He left all his junk and stuff for me to deal with, including 100s of National Geographic magazines my youngest insists he still wants/needs. I really now get those stories about people who lived through the Depression and saved all their old mayo jars to reuse. Some experiences impact us forever. I do not believe I will ever again blindly shell out money as I used to before widowhood. Another pretty significant change in who I was and who I became because of my husband's death. But this change isn't negative. It is a good lesson to have learned.

Black Friday Survivor

I am so glad that I went into Thanksgiving with a neutral mindset. We went to my brother's home and if I could have had it my way, would have skipped it. But my oldest wanted to go and I bit the bullet and decided to make the best of it. My family is not particularly close, something that I struggle with. And over the past months, the estrangement has been quite painful, as I've had to deal with the divorce and loss of my home. The last I spoke with my sister was in April.

Going in with a neutral frame of mind helped in that I just accepted what was going on in the here and now. I forgot the hurt and resentment I've felt and dropped the expectations about how I think a family should act. I just tried to be and all in all it was a good experience. My sister and I spoke and I hope the rift that has been between us has lifted. The entire family told me that they missed GF not being there. In fact, my brother said it was not the same without him. All were supportive about the move/marriage. My sister said good men are hard to come by and GF is a good man. We ended up calling GF and wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. Poor GF said nothing much was open except Walmart. So he had a Hungry Man TV Dinner (chicken). He told my brother that he hopes this will be the last Thanksgiving he will have to spend alone.

Today I survived working Black Friday from 8:00 - 4:00. I gave my notice and said I am moving. So I suppose it is official to some extent.

Widowhood Robbery

Right after the Fourth of July, I posted about my upset that fall scarecrows were already out in the stores. Way too early I thought. Now I wish I'd paid a little more attention to those fall displays because the season was over in the blink of an eye. That is more upsetting to me than the early consumerism. The past few falls have had so much crappy stuff for me to deal with, I just haven't had the opportunity to fully enjoy this season. Or Christmas for that matter; or knitting; or relaxing on a Saturday with enough time to just putter about the house. No baking the past years, no parties hosted for the kids or sleepovers.

Widowhood has robbed me of the gift of spare and free time. And I do feel mad about that. What I long for are mostly free and simple things - time for a walk in the park; the ability to have lunch out by myself; reading a book for more than 15 minutes; being able to actually finish a complete magazine; not feeling so rushed and frantic all the time as I race from one location to another with the boys, run into the store for staples and hurry home to whip up a quick dinner for hungry teen boys.

The last movie I saw was Slum Dog Millionaire - and besides a couple movies on cable, nothing even rented. In fact, Slum Dog Millionaire is the only movie I have seen in years (maybe four or five). All the self-help books suggest carving out time for yourself by making dates for activities in your appointment book. And then sticking to this schedule come hell or high water. But as an only parent what you hope and plan for often isn't the reality.

So I have a different perspective about the upcoming holidays this year. I spent some time at CVS this morning before class looking at the new display of Christmas ornaments. And I am not so upset with the Walmart commercial that aired yesterday with holiday music. Maybe the only way I will be able to squeeze in that holiday spirit this year is by starting now and cramming it in whenever and wherever I can.

It's Fall, Y'all!

Well, I guess it is officially Fall now! I went to the Dollar Store yesterday and they had scarecrows up. Then I got my JoAnn's Fabric and Crafts sale brochure in the mail and they also displayed scarecrows and even pumpkin crafts! I guess it will be Christmas in September! To me this is just plain nutty (the way we plan so far ahead in advance). I want to tell the world to stop doing this. Enjoy the month of July for what it is - don't be planning or even doing Fall craft projects. Guess what, world? Live for now because you really don't know what will be happening tomorrow.

As morbid as it seems, since my husband's death I stopped doing such things in advance because of the lesson I learned of life being so unpredictable. I remember thinking, why should I spend all this time and effort when I may not even be around six months from now? Of course, some long-term planning is needed and necessary in our lives but why are we always finishing up a season while we're still in the middle of it? Rushing ahead to the next? For what reason? Why?

We all need to slow down and stop planning our lives in such minute details. To reflect on the joys of July, the exact moment we are in. I almost am tempted to put up a scarecrow for the sheer stupidity of it. On the other hand, this is a grim reminder to me that life does move on quickly and with certainty, whether I'm ready to catch up with it or not! Anyway, enough of my ranting and raving about this. Let's all just live and enjoy life right now - even those of us struggling with life transitions.

Today I am grateful:

1. For cold pickled beets.
2. For cold green beans.
3. For cold chicken salad.
4. For tomatoes.
5. For corn bread (I guess you know what we're having for dinner tonight - a perfect SUMMER meal).

Summer Clearance - School Supplies

The other day, Tue. the 7th, I stopped in at my local Walgreen's to use the cash station as my oldest was going to the Great America Theme Park and I wanted him to have enough money. While I was there I figured I'd pick up a needed pair of gardening gloves. I was happy to see that they had some, at a reduced price. So I got six pairs (two packages) for only $1.50.

As I was checking out I joked with the cashier that here it was, still in the heat of summer and all the summer merchandise was already on clearance. I asked her if they were planning on putting out the Halloween stuff. She informed me that it was the back-to-school supplies, some of which are already out! Then she joked back to me that the kids in our town just got out of school and here we are selling the supplies again. It was funny and I laughed at the absurdity of it all. How we rush through life to take on whatever chapter lies ahead. Sad really.

I was grateful to be able to laugh and have a moment not dwelling on my house situation. Then I thought about how no matter what ends up happening with that, the one thing I can be certain of is that time is marching on. Whether we are still living in our house or the new apartment come Halloween, Halloween will arrive. And the day after, all the Christmas decorations will start to be stocked!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful moon shrouded in the clouds I saw tonight.
2. That my sons are safe from their trips to Great America and downtown Chicago.
3. That I was able to buy my youngest a 6 x 8 rug in blue for his room (which he really needed and at a good price since I used my store employee discount).
4. That the weather is still on the cool side and we don't need to worry about air conditioning.
5. For Swedish Fish candy.