Transitions

A Little Tooth

By Thomas Lux

Your baby grows a tooth, then two,

and four, and five, then she wants some meat

directly from the bone. It's all

over: she'll learn some words, she'll fall

in love with cretins, dolts, a sweet

talker on his way to jail. And you,

your wife, get old, flyblown, and rue

nothing. You did, you loved, your feet

are sore. It's dusk. Your daughter's tall.

My son's poetry teacher handed out this poem on curriculum night and I fell in love with it. But I also laughed out loud reading the title, because I have been having nightmares about losing my teeth and thought a poem about teeth was kind of an eerie coincidence. I told the teacher how much I liked it because it described so succinctly, the passage of time and a child growing up - so appropriate to be handing out to the parents of seniors on their way to graduation and college. Wow! The power of words to convey meaning and emotion. It is why I blog and read as much as I can. And it is why I am trying to "talk" less and listen more.

I am struck by the beauty of poetry as an art form - I've kind of lost sight of that in recent years. How many of us really read much after we are out of school? I am inspired to try and read more poetry and fill my life with more art and beauty.

I love the description here, "flyblown," although the definition means tainted or spoiled. Also, the the words "rue nothing," or having no regrets.

Poems speak to us because we can identify with the words and connect to their meaning. Maybe this poem speaks to me so strongly because of the last two lines. If I change the "you" to "I," I can certainly say that I too, rue nothing and that I did, I loved, and my feet are sore, in fact very, very sore right now.

Curriculum Night

Attended my last high school curriculum night last week. Most parents of seniors don't go and even my son was surprised I was going. But I felt it was only appropriate to do so as it marks the end of a long, enduring journey.

During the night as I toured my son's last semester's classes and met his teachers, I heard over and over how special the high school, community, parents and students are and how honored the teachers and principal feel to be a part of the school. I've been hearing the same thing every curriculum night for the past five years. And indeed, I truly believe as well, that our community and the high school are unusually rare, special and valuable. It is the reason I have stayed in the community - so my sons would be able to remain members of this special place despite their dad's death - and that they would complete their entire pre-college education here.

Attending the night confirmed for me that the decisions I've made to stay here were the right ones for our family. Many years ago, when the boys were just starting school and a few years before my husband became ill, we considered moving to a more rural community. In fact, we were going to bid on two houses but offers had already been made on them. At that point, we made the decision to stay put, despite our longing for the rural life because of the great school system in our community. Just a year later my husband was diagnosed and I remember feeling grateful that we hadn't moved. If we had, I would still be a newcomer in the community and my parents would not have been able to watch my sons when I went to the hospital for months on end. I wound up thinking that fate had intervened and made it impossible for us to get one of the houses we wanted. That we weren't meant to move at that time because of my husband's impending illness.

So staying here was for my sons but it also became kind of a promise to my husband to stay the course and make it for the sake of our sons because it was what we had both determined was the best learning environment for them.

I did it! We all made it! This IS a special community and my sons were privileged to live here through college. I will never regret my efforts to focus on keeping them in this school district. This educational foundation will set the tone and pattern for the rest of their lives.

Over the weekend, I ran into a mom who was once a closer friend. My oldest son was in Kindergarten with her youngest son. Her family even attended my second wedding and the boys had a garage band together in middle school. Her family has moved into a rental after losing their home so we talked a bit about that and I told her about my desire to move. Then I asked her about her son. He is not in college, worked a seasonal job at Target but is not employed now although he has a few band gigs. Her daughter, a few years older, works at a retail store but isn't in college.

Now I know kids bloom at different points and that college is not for everyone. But I called my oldest son immediately after chatting with this woman to tell him that I am proud of him and to thank him for being in college and doing so well. Then I came home and thanked my younger son for doing so well in school and told him I am proud of his plans for college. Perhaps my two sons represent the truest sign that the sacrifices made to remain in this community were worth it.

A lot of times on life's journey, we choose a path and hope for the best. And sometimes we don't get the satisfaction of knowing that a certain course was the best or right one for a long time. It is not to say that had we moved, my sons would have turned out to be delinquents. But after a parental death, there is so much turmoil, and fear of the unknown, it seemed only logical for me to remain in the community for the social and educational stability it offered my sons. Coming to the end of this phase and seeing that the results are so positive make it easier for me to leave this area with a lighter heart and more hope for the future. It is hard to move in the middle of a chapter and that is probably why I have been so resistant to relocate before. But now I truly have reached the end of a book with a very satisfying conclusion to the plot. And I can move on with a clear conscience, my head held up high and pride besides.

The Hardest Part of Being a Widow Update

I once wrote a post titled "The Hardest Part of Being A Widow," which for me involves attending the numerous athletic, music and school activities of my sons' on my own. Last night was the 14th District Wide Band or Orchestra concert I attended on my own but this time there wasn't any moping or feeling sorry for myself. There was a huge sense of pride at my son and for myself as well.

The concert includes all the kids in the district (600) involved in either band or orchestra (separate concerts) from 4th-12th grades. Each level plays a couple songs on their own and then they all join together for a finale. The point is to show the parents and kids, especially the younger ones, where they'll end up if they continue all the way through.

I remember the first one I attended when my oldest was a beginning sax player and being blown away hearing the top high school band. Last night my son played in that top band. I heard the reaction of some of the parents around me with younger children and it was the same I had 8 years ago - awe at the quality and talent of the kids playing and hope that one day our own children would be part of that group. There were actually intakes of breath after the top band performed.

Almost a magical twist of fate that yesterday my son received his acceptance letter from the #1 college of his choice known for its excellent program in criminal justice as well as its music program (the two areas of study he has chosen). There weren't any tears in my eyes at the concert, just a huge surge of pride as I saw my tall, handsome son in his tux. I looked at the youngest kids imagining his own progression (as well as mine) through the past years. We did it! We made it! I successfully raised the boys into fine young caring men and they grew into mature teens on their own merits besides. It hasn't been easy. In fact, I would venture to say at times it has been hell and torture but last night, the bad stuff took a back seat to the joy and happiness I felt.

My husband never saw one of these concerts. When my sons were younger and he was still alive, he was in the hospital at the times these concerts occurred. I marveled a little that I was the sole parent of the boys attending these mega concerts all these years. And felt sadness that my husband had missed them...

An older gentleman asked me where the concert was as he entered the high school. I directed him to the gym adding that it was the 14th and final concert I would be attending! He smiled and replied, "That's what you think," and I assume he meant that there will be more concerts in college or with future grandchildren.

In the past, I have looked around me at all the intact families surrounding me on the bleachers and have just felt sadness, resentment, envy and pain that I have been alone holding up the household and being an only parent. But there was none of that last night. It was a celebration of how far we have come and the pure and simple fact that in the end we made it.

The finale was Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" and all I could think of was how significant this was too - they used to end with "Let's Go Band." There was joy last night in my soul and spirit. So if there is any silver lining to the road of widowhood, it would be for me, the knowledge that I did survive in the end and that the boys became good decent young men. Young men my husband would be tremendously proud of. Maybe even better men in some ways because of the trials they have faced.

I have griped about these district music concerts for years - once in a pretty bad snow storm we got stuck in the snow trying to get to the concert. But last night it was bittersweet that it was the last one I would ever attend with a son performing. Endings are bittersweet but I see on the horizon so much awaiting my son as he starts his college years, with my youngest ready to take those steps in another year.

I wish that there had been a magic ball in which I could have looked into so many years ago. To where I would have seen the happy and successful outcome that finally arrived. But I wouldn't have believed it anyway.

Ode to a Purse

After three years of making due with whatever has already been in my closet, I ended that period of deprivation with a purchase of a much needed purse today. A $12.00 purse from Family Dollar, no less. But I have wanted it since seeing it in the fall. And it is making me very pleased and happy. I love the plum color as I usually carry green bags. Purple/amethyst is supposed to represent plenty and financial prosperity and I can use all the good luck now whether superstition or not.

And that brings me to having to say goodbye to my present bag. I was lucky to find it in the closet this spring, still with its tag on, a BOGO from Payless some years ago. I ended up loving this bag - the bright green color that cheered me, the large size big enough to carry a paperback, knitting project and small lunch if need be. So although I usually change my bag in fall to one in an autumn color, this year partly because lack of funds and because I loved the bag so much, I just kept using it. And still kept using it up until now when I like to change bags to fit the winter season - a more muted color tone.

I hate to say goodbye to this purse that I would probably have never even used if I hadn't had to go digging for one since I couldn't afford a new one last spring. It is showing signs of wear and I think when items become shabby it is time to retire them. This bag will go down as one of my all time favorites. It served me well and gave me a lot of enjoyment every time I carried it and even looked at it.

I am not into designer handbags but a few years ago did fall in love with an orange leather satchel from Talbots that was almost $200.00. I thought about waiting to purchase it when it went on sale but never got around to it. Funny, how an inexpensive item can bring so much enjoyment and be practical and useful at the same time. This $20.00 bag from Payless I am sure ended up bringing me even greater pleasure than that over priced Talbot's bag.

I like my new plum bag too even though it is not leather - like that it is from Family Dollar and only $12.00. I don't think I'll end up "loving" it but it is nice to have a new bag and to retire one that has served its purpose but is now past its time.

I have come to appreciate the deals found at stores like Family Dollar. I have a new bag that didn't break the bank, looks good and pleases me because I've treated myself to something new, as well as needed.

Goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to things we love and let new things in even if they are unfamiliar and different.

Finally, A Loss I'M Not Crying Over!

Last night was my final shift at the big box store. I have worked there eight months, yet not one person said goodbye to me or acknowledged my leaving. Pretty sad. I have always felt invisible working at the store. There are 100 employees and so many shifts. The lunch/dinner breaks are staggered so we would eat alone. We were chastised when we briefly talked to co-workers. It was not an environment conducive for forming any type of attachments. And yet despite these obstacles, there were a few people I enjoyed working with and developed a sort of limited co-worker relationship with.

The sales/money emphasis did not fit well with who I am or what I believe in. If anything, my stint working retail made me realize that I have to work as a caregiver within some type of social services environment. The inconsistent hours also wrecked havoc on all our lives. "Only" parents need as much stability and consistency in their lives as possible. Never knowing from one week to the next when I'd be working was stressful. And I hated that there was never any rhyme or reason to how they scheduled the hours. I was always put as a closer. I've only now figured out (I think) that this is because my last name is at the end of the alphabet. People up front in the alphabet worked the morning and day hours. I started to get resentful that women with no kids at home or with husbands, got to work more manageable hours than me. I have struggled leaving the boys to run wild all these Fri. and Sat. nights. I would talk to various managers about getting more hours which I desperately needed and day hours at that but it never seemed to make an impact - maybe because there were so many of them and no one ever coordinated schedule changes with the others.

Anyway, that is all in the past now. It was one of those experiences that is fleeting and not very relevant in the grand scheme of things. One of those transition/fill-in jobs we take to get by while our lives are in-flux.

I have been greatly humbled by my financial experiences and working at this store put a lot of my new perspective into focus for me. The junk everyone buys and so much of it. I seemed to see a lot of consumerism for the sake of filling up unmet needs. Buying so much crap is not the answer folks! Those of us who have faced significant losses understand this. I put so much thought into anything I buy now - is it needed, necessary; do we really like/love it; how good is the quality; will it last? It seems as though so many buying Christmas and holiday gifts were just choosing things willy-nilly to put into their carts. There is always such a frantic quality to the holiday shopping season. Does anyone truly need a snowman toilet seat cover? Okay, maybe someone does who goes all out decorating for the season and will be having a lot of company in and out of their bathroom. But how about, and this is my favorite, a gadget that you put on the end of a banana in the event you only eat half of it? What happened to using a baggie or some plastic wrap?

The Western world is overly materialistic. We are programmed to believe that if we don't have this or that we won't be happy or we're not good enough. I just remember really being struck at the moment of my husband's death with the realization that he left this world as he came in and took nothing with him but love. He left all his junk and stuff for me to deal with, including 100s of National Geographic magazines my youngest insists he still wants/needs. I really now get those stories about people who lived through the Depression and saved all their old mayo jars to reuse. Some experiences impact us forever. I do not believe I will ever again blindly shell out money as I used to before widowhood. Another pretty significant change in who I was and who I became because of my husband's death. But this change isn't negative. It is a good lesson to have learned.

"Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Your Life."

What a crazy week it has been getting here.

Mon. 11/23 - Schedulded for work since I normally had this day off from school. But because of Thanksgiving on Thur., the school switched Thursday's class to Monday. So I was in a panic to find someone to work for me, which I thankfully did so I could go to class.

Tue. 11/24 - Attended class which was mainly a review for the final but also a pot luck party which I really enjoyed. It is sad to say that we are skimping on food so much that being able to eat nice food at a pot luck or party is such a treat! I am not ashamed to go back for seconds.

Wed. 11/25 - Got a 92% on the final exam. It as one of the highest scores. I made 3 silly errors that I should have gotten right. Came home to work on the storage shed consolidation. Got son haircut.

Thur. 11/26 - Thanksgiving. Had two helpings of dinner and a small slice of pumpkin and apple pie. Ditto my comment about having an opportunity to partake of a nice meal. The day went very well with my family but there is stress involved with such get-togethers. The night was cold and rainy but I still tried to work at the storage shed. Because of computer glitch I could not gain entry but maybe that was for the best.

Fri. 11/27 - Put in an eight-hour shift cashiering Black Friday at the big box store. They did provide a nice lunch for everyone (cold cuts, cheeses, chips, dip, veggies, fruit, potato salad, cookies, cake, pop). Again, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this meal, especially the fruit. I took some home with me. After work, my close girlfriend treated me to dinner out. We both got fried chicken salads with soup and I saved half my salad for Sat. I am finding that the poorer I have become, the more food means to me. And that is a sad observation to be aware of! Gave my manager notice and he requested two weeks. I asked for a transfer to a local store near the town we are moving to but not sure of the liklihood.

Sat. 11/28 - Finished moving the contents of one 11 x 30 shed into another. Now I only have two sheds - an 11 x 30 and an 11 x 20. Before I was paying $600.00 monthly for the three sheds which of course is impossible to afford. Trouble was, after working an exhausting Black Friday, the strain of moving things at the shed left me physically exhausted! Plus, I ran out of room and ended up taking the excess to the apartment. So the apartment is overstuffed with a bike in the kitchen and so on. I figure we are not going to be living there so what does it matter? Had to work from 5-11 p.m. Just very tired.

Sun. 11/29 - Went to my final school clinical at the nursing home on only four hours of sleep (but that is how it has been the past five weeks since I have worked Sat. nights until closing). Got the highest score on the final clinical exam (90%) but again made silly errors. Class let out early and I'd hoped to get an earlier start with driving to our new home but my oldest was with his girlfriend and not being cooperative. I did go to the apartment rental office to give notice of my intent to move. Breaking my lease early will result in some costly charges but the rental company will work with me to pay them off over a monthly time frame. We are looking at $2,000.00! From there it was a mad dash packing up things for a week's stay. There hadn't been time to organize earlier in the week so our packing was of the throw it all in bags strategy. Both boys were exceedingly rude and nasty to me during the afternoon and for about three-quarters of the four-hour drive. Basically, they blamed me for having to move since I haven't been able to get a full-time job, threatend to not do their homework, refused to particpate in sports, claimed they would not speak to anyone ever at the new school, that sort of thing. I know they are upset with the move so I tried to bear it but my resolve was running thin and I told them that I will not tolerate disrespect, etc. The little restaurant we like to stop at half-way was closed so we just grabbed some McDonald's which we ate in the car. We got in about 8:45. My sister kindly called me to see how we were doing. She mentioned that my brother told her how much he likes GF (even more than Husband #1 and Husband #2. I felt a little bad about that because Husband #1 isn't here anymore but I tried to take it as a compliment about GF who really is about as decent a guy as you can get).

Mon. Today 11/30 - We escorted the boys to the guidance office at 7:30 but left as we were the only parents there. GF and I then went to Walmart for groceries. We came home and handled financial matters, e.g. making an appointment to transfer my car/life insurance over to GF's new local agent, etc. We also made a truck reservation for me this weekend so I can clear out the smaller storage shed since I have to go back to work on Sat. night anyway and I'll bring the boys with me so they can see their friends while I am at work. We'll put the contents of that shed into the garage here where I can finally have a chance to get through it once and for all! A lot of it is from my parent's home from the sale of their house two years ago. It will be so wonderful to knock the monthly expense of two of the storage sheds off. As it is now, we will have a very tight month financially this December which is so sad bcause it is the most magical month of the year. And we've had such meager holidays the past two years (I heard about that too from the boys). I hope we will be able to get them something. As long as I can have some nice food here in the house for everyone I will be happy.

Now the boys are still at school and GF at work. I am bracing up for hearing an earful when they come home. It is a bit surreal that I am sitting in a living room of a home that I will now be residing in. GF said goodnight to me last night by saying, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." I was way too tired to make any witty replies. I am grateful to be sitting here in a home again with groceries in the pantry. Enough for the entire week. I am glad I took the Certified Nursing Asst. class. If I don't get hired for a social services job I will seek employment at a nursing home. It all could be worse. The sun is out and the tidy neighborhood we live in is quiet and peaceful. GF will come home this evening and my sons will be here. We will be safe, sound and sheltered. The boys have their pick of soup and a grilled cheese or two with carrot sticks, sloppy joes with tater tots and corn, spaghetti with garlic bread or Enchilladas for dinner. Cheap and filling.

No one has starved. We somehow made it. It hasn't been easy. I remain terribly worried about finances and must find a job as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will take some downtime with getting the smaller storage shed moved and then we have to focus on moving out the contents of the apartment. I will go back home to take the state CNA certification exam in mid-Jan. In fact, since I had to give a 60-day notice with the apt., we will go back over Christmas break for one week so the boys can be with their friends.

What I dreaded so much was the move to the apartment. But we all got through that and in the end, it was certainly not as bad as what I'd anticipated in my mind. The constant shuffling around and moving of my possesions from such a big home to a smaller place has been the real pain. All in all, we only spent 2 1/2 months living in the apartment. And already we've moved onward and upward.

But the most amazing piece of all of this for me is to have truly fallen to the lowest financial level I have ever been. Once the rent and bills are paid this month there is NOTHING left for food. And I am not even sure if there will be enough for all the bills. If GF hadn't been here for us I'm not sure what would have happened. I feel as though he has saved us. It is hard to describe in words how I really feel inside. To know that you have fallen to the bottom of a long and dark basement staircase. But thankfully someone helps you up, turns on the light and starts guiding you back up the stairs. We could have spent a long time in a musty, damp, dank basement. By a stroke of luck or a miracle or both, our time on the basement floor was very brief. As soon as we fell, we were picked right back up. There that describes it perfectly. To be picked up at the exact moment of hitting the bottom. That is what it feels like to me. If that isn't getting saved, I don't know what is.

Communication and Love

I finished the biography I was reading on the great magician, Harry Houdini last night. All in all a very satisfying read - I don't usually read biographies but picked this one up a couple years ago because it grabbed my attention and was reduced to $6.99. There were a number of aspects about the book from a historical perspective that I found very interesting and relating to grief.

Back in the period of 1900 -1930, there was a huge following of the Spiritualist movement. This was actually practiced as a religion which believed in the occult, ghosts and other unexplained mysteries. Mediums who contacted the dead were very popular and 250 alone were working in Chicago. This group was well organized throughout the U.S., Canada and Europe. Houdini had worked as a fraudulent medium in his early days and knew all the tricks of the trade. It became his mission in his later years to attempt to expose the Spiritualist movement and destroy it. He sincerely believed that the people who profited from their work as phony mediums were taking advantage of those most suffering and in pain - the grief stricken.

Houdini and various scientists (some from Harvard) worked to expose the tricks of the Spiritualist leaders and mediums. It was not easy since there were so many sincere believers. The movement gained momentum after World War I when grief stricken families attempted to come to terms with the loss of so many young men killed.

Although Houdini knew the Spiritualist movement was a sham, he wanted to believe that the dead could communicate with the living. He spent his life trying to prove that such communication existed and died without doing so. In other words, he had a very open mind and hope.

I have never heard of the Spiritualist movement. It was an interesting piece of history for me to learn. I thought of the thousands of families grieving for the death of their young men after World War I and cannot imagine what that was like for our nation at that time. There must have been a sort of collective grief and mourning that existed. I think of how those families are no different than all of us today just wanting one final word from our deceased loved ones. Basically to know that they are okay and happy. To tell them one last time that we love them. Those points keep coming back to me over and over again - communication and love. That is what matters most. I wonder for many of us, if our grief would be somewhat lessened if we did receive a message from beyond reassuring and soothing us.

So many of us did not have an opportunity to say goodbye and I think that this haunts us. I know it does for me since my husband was in a coma for two weeks - with it one moment and the next unconscious and unable to breathe on his own. I can also relate this to my divorce and why that became so devastating to me. Husband #2 did not want to and refused to communicate with me. His refusal to say goodbye to me after our mediation session was especially painful. Saying goodbye is essential for closure and not being able to do so leaves such a huge gap open of unresolved words, feelings and emotions.

Today I am grateful:

1. For another amazing fall day.
2. For those cool State quarters designed to celebrate our great nation.
3. For beautiful postage stamps that are little works of art.
4. For all the symbols of our country - the flag, eagle, White House, Liberty Bell, buffalo, cowboys, pioneers, Pilgrims...
5. For libraries.

50th Birthday

I turned 50 on Thursday and here is a rendition of that day because it turned out pretty well, considering. I don't normally pay a lot of attention to birthdays but felt that this day deserved some, especially because of all that has happened in the past years. The mere fact that I have gotten through some pretty trying life experiences deserves some recognition. I do want to add to this celebration by doing some activities for myself when time and money permit. I've been composing a list of 50 Things to Give Myself, which include activities like treating myself to a movie out (or even a video at home), going bowling, etc. I'll devote more time to that after the sale of the house and move.

Thursday -
Since I worked until closing at the store and didn't get home until 11:30 on Wednesday and then to bed at 2:00 in the morning, after getting the boys off to school I allowed myself to go back to bed and awakened at 10:00. Now sleeping in is such a rare treat that it felt very luxurious to do so! Then I showered and dressed in a nice outfit from my less financially strained days - an outfit from Talbot's of cotton madras casual blazer with denim walking shorts. I wanted to look nice on this day and dressing up a bit did that for me.

I hit our cute, quaint downtown to visit two shopkeepers I've befriended over the years. I haven't seen them all summer and had to catch up with them about selling the house, moving and all. It was also nice to browse at the Yarn Shop and Antiques Store. Another customer at the yarn shop (it was her 30th b-day) exclaimed that I do not look 50, which is true. I've held up pretty well physically - something I find amazing because there has been a lot of stress in the years since my husband's death. My oldest shared at his school lunch table that I was 50 and his friends said, "No way, she only looks 38!" At least I have that going for me!

I dropped off some bags at the local resale shop and also checked out their merchandise. Then I went for a browse at JoAnn's and Michael's. Didn't buy anything but got the free project sheets and an idea to make a blanket out of scarves. I then browsed at the Used Bookstore and did put out 50 cents for a back issue of Country Living Magazine, the big purchase of the day!

I did some grocery shopping to tide us over the weekend and included in the cart a variety of cupcakes. I hesitated on a cake. The cupcakes would be easier to share with my girlfriend and her family at dinner. Some of the cakes looked so tasty though. Maybe I will get one after we've moved and are settled a bit. That will be cause for another celebration.

My girlfriend picked the boys and I up at six and took us out for dinner along with her three kids. She was very insistent in wanting to treat all of us together since she and I frequently go out on our own. The kids all wanted to go to Chili's but it was very crowed as were all the restaurants around the mall area. We couldn't get over how jammed the parking lots were. But as I've noted before, in this town there just doesn't seem to be a recession or people hurting financially!

We ended up at a Mexican Restaurant, not my first choice but as my oldest consoled, "Mom, you'll get a drink so it'll be okay." And it was. Everyone had plenty to eat and we indulged in the chips and salsa asking for seconds. I was given a big desert on the house, which I shared around the table. My girlfriend gave me a lovely card and a gift certificate for $50.00 from Kohl's. She said she hoped I'd buy some clothing for myself. We laughed about both of us needing new bras. I've gone a year with really only one good one. She did the same the past year with two pretty old ones until her daughter saw them and insisted she get new ones at Victoria's Secret.

When I thanked my friend for her kindness and generosity, she reminded me of everything I've done over the past years for her and others. She said I am one of the most generous people she knows and I deserved her gift. It was nice to hear those words and to be reminded of things I've done in the past that have been forgotten.

After dinner, it was funny when the time came to pass around the cupcakes and I discoved that the kids had already eaten the cookie and cream ones while we paid the bill at the restaurant!

I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the day I harbored hopes that my ex-husband would send good wishes of some kind. He is the kind of guy who would have presented me with 50 roses in a bouquet. The last email correspondence I had from him was on July 23rd. There was no contact which was bittersweet for me. I know for me that it is personally agonizing to say goodbye to anything - be it a relationhip or possession. I have difficulty throwing newspapers out if I haven't yet read them! And my therapist and I have discussed how the issues of my second marriage and ex-husband tie in so closely with my family-of-origin background that I still struggle with. Wrapped up in all of this is the fact that my ex-husband and I never spoke until recently about the divorce. He filed for divorce without telling me (I had to find out by calling the court house in his county). He also never said goodbye to my sons. So on one hand he would have given me an extravagant 50th birthday gift, but is unable to communicate which is of course far better to have in a relationship than any object.


But I guess the point of my honest admission here is that despite my trying to make the best of the day, there were still some ghosts from the past haunting me. Yet, I was able to put them aside and fashion out a day that was significant and meaningful, plus fun on this milestone birthday. I should add that my brother called me and left a voice message on my cell phone when I was out and about. I did not hear it ring or would have spoken with him. My sister had sent me a birthday card the day before.

The memories of Thursday continue to glow in my heart so in the end no roses were necessary.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the boys seem to have settled back into school successfully.
2. That the appraisal and survey have been completed and all is on track for the house closing.
3. For the new front of cooler weather we're having - thank goodness this summer was a cooler one. (I prefer colder weather but NOT the SNOW).
4. For the rainy day on my birthday. The rain just has a beauty of its own.
5. For all that my friend did for me to celebrate a milestone birthday.

More Living, Less Grieving

I started blogging as a way to process my grief and to comment on my life as a middle-aged widow who'd gotten remarried but was getting divorced and as such was going back to her widowed status. Because of a number of difficult and tragic circumstances after my first husband's death, I did not have much of an opportunity to mourn his passing when I should have, five-six years ago. This blog let me accomplish some of that delayed grieving and has also let me spout on issues I think the general public needs to be aware of (such as the fact that you don't get over grief; how tough it is to be an "only" parent; the loneliness and isolation of widowhood, etc.).

When I started blogging on Jan. 1, I hoped to connect with other widows and I figured if my efforts ended up helping even one other widow or widower in some small way, it would be worth it. I think that some people out there have gained from my words and I know that I have found much comfort in the comments, wisdom, support and advice of others. Today I read a post from a widow still new in her grief at just the year anniversary mark. But what she wrote and reflected upon had an immense impact on me. That is the beauty of this community. To be supported and gain new perspective.

What she wrote about was finding some peace in her progress at this point to not dwell so much on the pain of her loss but to focus more on the living from this point forward. She so eloquently said that she can now focus more on her husband being a part of her life and an ongoing presence rather than not being present. I was so touched and blown away by this fresh insight. I mulled it over and began to see the connections to my own life. I am still so grieving the end of my marriage to my second husband. But like death, he isn't part of my life anymore. He is gone. My continual focus and grief over this loss prevents me from focusing on the people here in my life right now - those who have not abandoned me and are interactive with me in my day-to-day affairs. That would include my boys and the small circle of friends I have cultivated.

Reading this lovely and perceptive post today gave me much to reflect on. I need to start transferring some of my grief into the present and I can do that by concentrating my thoughts and actions toward the people in my life now. It is probably time to do this. A year has passed since that fateful day last July 7 when my husband told me he had refiled the divorce and then hung up on me, not to talk with me until I next saw him in court on Oct. 30.

The other direction this took me to was that I need to concentrate more on what I have in my life and not what is lacking in it. So that will become a new focus of mine starting today.

When we compose and send a post we have no idea of the impact it may have on those it reaches.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of those who have read and responded to my blog.
2. For the wisdom I have gained from the posts of others.
3. For sticking with this blog because it has served me in ways I never could have first believed.
4. For the widow/widower blogging community which has made me feel less isolated and crazy.
5. For the continued beautiful summer weather.

Today I Have:

1. Two wonderful, beautiful young men as my children.
2. A roof over our heads.
3. Enough food and clothing (not to mention makeup, purses, trinkets and other frivolities).
4. A computer.
5. Supportive friends either a phone call away or down the street from me.

Pencils, Bookmarks and Moving

I recently mentioned that one of my girlfriends had gone to Pennsylvania to start cleaning out her parent's home. She spent a week there and didn't make much progress. One of her comments was that her father had all kinds of collections of things, particularly pencils. I laughed when she told me this because my father also had some hoarding issues going on. His "collections" included pencils as well. When I was clearing out his home two years ago, I came upon a bag filled with paper bookmarks. There had to be well over 500 of them! I just laughed and laughed at the discovery in that damp, dim basement. I ended up taking the bag, first of all because I found the collection hysterical. But also because I am always in need of bookmarks and now I have a lifelong supply at the ready. There are designs for every season and every holiday so I can coordinate my bookmarks to the type of book I'm reading or the weather!

I was reminded of all of this when I attended my father's care plan meeting at his assisted living facility last week. The staff leading the meeting remarked that my father seems to have an obsession about pencils and has a rapidly growing collection in his room. Apparently, whenever anyone needs a pencil they go to my father because he is sure to have one. This all made me think that who we are deep within is always there, despite where we live. I suppose this observation has given me a small measure of comfort in that even though we are soon leaving our home, our personalities, values and our funny little quirks are going with us. We won't be losing ourselves just because our address is changing. The really important aspects of our lives will be safe and sound.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the opportunity to talk to some fellow cashiers at work to get to know them better and share similar feelings/experiences.
2. That my job affords me the luxury of being able to purchase a take out meal on the weekends for the boys to enjoy when there isn't a lot of time for me to cook.
3. For the chicken wing dinner I was able to get for us (a huge change of pace for us - we seldom have wings/fries/coleslaw).
4. That the house has remained cool despite the heat wave outside.
5. That the music track at work is playing a lot of 70s and Disco favorites of mine.

Life and Solitaire

I have been playing the computer game solitaire recently, as a brief diversion when I need to take a break. As I play (with usually very terrible cards) the thought has repeatedly struck me how similar life can be to this game. Sometimes there is nothing you can do with the hand you were dealt - no amount of rearranging or manipulating the cards is going to get the hand to win. The cards dealt to you were chance, you did nothing wrong in selecting certain ones. Neither did you give up too easily. Rather, you spent some time studying the patterns and did your best to come up with new strategies to no avail.

My therapist once told me that there are times when we need to accept that it is not our fault. That we need to give up on the situation because there is absolutely nothing we can do to come out on top. The ship is sinking and to survive you need to bail. Her words were a novel concept to me. I of course, always think it is my fault and if only I can do or change one thing the situation will be restored.

But as I play this game I am reminded of her words. Sometimes no amount of rearranging the financial figures is going to make you come out ahead and the best option is to sell your home and downsize. Sometimes all of your love and devotion is going to be rejected if the person you're involved with doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship and doesn't have the skills or experience to work with you on saving it. Sometimes it honestly isn't your fault and the hardest aspect of that is to accept there is nothing you can do anymore but end the game and start a new one, which you do with hope and expectancy.

Today I am grateful:

1. For a world that is beyond what we can humanly imagine/comprehend.
2. For the belief in something bigger than ourselves, a creator/life force.
3. For the power of synchronization (fate/magic/luck) in our lives.
4. For the extreme little things we take for granted such as being able to email and play solitaire on the computer in the first place!
5. That there is always hope even after defeat.

11 Little Words

The 11 most important words we can say in our relationships are:

"Please forgive me."
"I forgive you."
"Thank you."
"I love you."

This marvelous concept comes from the book of Ira Byock, M.D., "The Four Things That Matter Most." I came across the book while searching for another in my bookcase (one of many in the house) - something I picked up a few years ago and never read. The book's message is totally applicable to what is going on in my life right now so maybe it is better that it sat on the shelf until now. I can better appreciate and incorporate its message.

The author promotes being mindful of forgiveness, gratitude, affection and love on a daily basis, not just when we want to make amends or deal with conflicts. He proposes that in saying these words regularly, we'll avoid creating misunderstandings and long-standing resentments within our relationships. And saying them in times of conflict will help heal wounds and allow people to move on.

Reading the book inspired me to try and live a life where I am conscious of these qualities everyday! It is important that we tell people we love them and not expect them to just assume our feelings. It always feels so good to hear those words, and I continue to believe that all of us need to say it much more!

I remember asking for my husband's forgiveness while standing on the driveway of our home as I helped him into the car for his last journey to the hospital. I just blurted out that I was sorry for ANYTHING I had ever done in the marriage that hurt him; for any act of unkindness I had inflicted. My husband didn't really acknowledge my words nor did he offer any kind of apology to me (which would have been nice to have heard). He was not a man willing to look at or admit his faults and it was difficult for him to apologize. I am also sure that his physical and psychological pain that he was experiencing did not lend itself to the healing moment I was after. But after he had died I was glad I had said those words to him.

All of us are human - we hurt each other, say insensitive things, are impatient, demanding, critical and rude. Especially to the ones closest to us and those we love the most. Keeping these 11 words in focus is a small way to counteract our humanness. I wonder if I should ask my ex-husband for forgiveness? There is still such a gaping hole of incompleteness in regard to that relationship. As Byock writes, "It is no surprise then that forgiveness is so often at the heart of completing relationships and finding peace."

Today I am grateful:

1. For the pleasure of experiencing a cool morning with time to spend listening to the rain fall while lying under warm, cozy covers.
2. For rainy days that force you to slow down, catch up on little details and relax a bit.
3. For the store clerks who have become familiar with you over the years and know you by name and ask how you are doing.
4. For classic Land's End Oxford shirts that never go out of style and last forever.
5. For being able to walk, stand and physically tolerate the demands of my cashiering job.

Hope within Despair

I have taken to wearing an engagement type ring again. It was given to me as a Valentine's Day gift from my second husband. I had coveted it for over a year at a local jewelery store. My husband had insisted on giving me a custom designed engagement ring with a very large diamond, when we married, not my real, more simplistic style at all. But I went along with the first ring to please my husband. But as time went on I was just too worried about damaging or having it stolen that I didn't like wearing it on an everyday basis. Hence, the second ring.

It had a round diamond (instead of the oval shape of my first ring) with two emeralds on each side. I really just fell in love with the overall simplistic look and that it was unique with the emeralds (and green is my favorite color). But the ring cost almost as much as my first and therefore, not affordable. After seeing it and coveting it for over a year, I asked if we could have the diamond taken out and replaced with a cubic zirconia. This suddenly made the ring affordable and I loved that it would be my little secret - having a ring that looked so genuine but wasn't. The emeralds were of fantastic quality and color and that made the ring expensive even without the real diamond.

When I received the ring as a gift I loved it and wore it daily. I no longer felt so worried about damaging, losing or having my original engagement ring stolen. It gave me a lot of joy because it was exactly what I wanted. During my divorce I was forced to sell the big diamond as part of the divorce settlement and then my husband asked for all my jewelry back (what he had given to me as gifts). Somehow my emeral, cz ring had been forgotten by him and was never mentioned. So in a way it became another little secret of mine. Although I did want to have some kind of token from my marriage as a memory of the love we had once shared!

A few months ago I thought it silly not to wear - it gave me so much pleasure why not wear it? People can do whatever they want these days and many older widows continue to wear their rings (it didn't matter to me that this was a ring from my remarriage). Every time I put the ring on and wore it made me a little happy. It also served as hope for me that someday I will remarry but in the meantime I can wear and enjoy a lovely ring without being married. I got tons of compliments on it while at work which was fun too.

But then disaster struck! Yesterday at work my hand struck up against something and as I was cashiering I looked at my ring and saw one of the emeralds missing. I was heartbroken. Not that an emerald was gone (each was supposed to be worth $1,000) but that something so pretty and enjoyable to me was ruined. I just couldn't stand the thought of having something else valuable to me taken away - something that had provided such pleasure to me in these trying times. As I looked around on the floor, I became aware of how futile it would be to find the emerald. I tried to take stock and feel brave but I continued to look - what harm would come out of it? I couldn't just give up so easily. I tried to retrace my steps and to think of how I could have bumped the ring. It made sense that it would have happened while bagging a purchase so I decided to look in the bin that holds the plastic shopping bags and there was a glimmer of green resting on top of the pile of white bags! I felt vindicated! Disaster averted! A tiny bit of hope!

Today I received my weekly email message from life coach Cheryl Richardson, which was by coincidence on the topic of feeling hope even while in dire situations. I thought about my ring and everything it represents. That it was a symbol of a marriage that ended tragically; about how much I loved it and still wanted to wear it despite the pain of my divorce. And then how one of the emeralds had fallen out and all that could have symbolized - the absolute end of my marriage. That would have been the more fitting ending - to have not found the emerald. But that is not what happened. I did find it! So therein lies a little hope within a dire situation.

Today I am grateful:

1. To have found the emerald.
2. To have gotten my Cheryl Richardson weekly message about hope.
3. To feel hope even within the pain and sadness I am now experiencing.
4. That happy endings can exist even within sad endings.
5. For all the pleasure this little ring has given me (and it is a plus to whomever might marry me in the future because my frugal nature will enable me to wear it as my next wedding ring!).
6. For having the strength to wear the ring because it gave me such joy - and right now small pleasures mean a lot.

I Guess Love is Not Enough

I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's house yesterday and had an opportunity to briefly speak with him. We probably talked about 20 minutes - I could have used an hour. So much is still left unsaid. But I did get to convey a few of my sentiments and that is very important to me.

This is a terribly difficult and strange ending because it is apparent we still have strong feelings for one another. My ex-husband disclosed that he could not handle the financial strain of running two households and threw in the towel. He also admitted difficulties with my two teens (the problems in coming in as a stepdad to raise two boys who have been fatherless for some time). He told me that love is not enough. I guess I always thought it was - and if you had love, everything else could be worked out in the end. In my mind there were more positives than negatives with our marriage.

That we left one another with a hug and kiss means more to me than anything. I feel a small bit of healing and hope in regard to moving forward. There was so much anger between us combined with the total lack of communication. I would have been completely devastated if that had been how we said our final goodbye (silent and angry). I wish this wasn't the ending that has been written for this story. It is like coming to the last chapter of a book that I want to keep going. It is over, finished but I don't want it to be. Now I have to wait for the sequel or pick up a new book to start reading. This one is written and complete.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the opportunity to say goodbye.
2. That my ex did not refuse to talk to me and he even let me in the house!
3. For the love my ex and I shared.
4. For everything my ex did for me to assist us financially.
5. For the man my ex is (both good qualities and those more challenging - I am grateful to have known him as he is).

Life is too Short

I still struggle on a daily basis with feelings of loss and tremendous sadness concerning my divorce from Husband #2. It is like this terrible sore that just won't heal. I continue to have nightmares and migraines on an almost nightly basis about my ex. There is this continuous loop that just keeps repeating itself - I play over all aspects of our "marriage" and what I did or didn't do. I know there are any number of reasons why this could be happening. For one, I think that the divorce happening so soon after Husband #1 and my Mom died has made it much more difficult to get through. Looking back now, I believe that I hadn't even really grieved my husband's death before I started to help care for my seriously ill parents. So my grief over his death was kind of put on hold. When Husband #2 filed for divorce, it opened up the floodgates for all the grief left over from Husband #1, which just kind of combined with and increased the grief I felt about the divorce. And it doesn't help of course, to be facing all kinds of financial hardship on top of everything else.

Yesterday, my close girlfriend met me at the high school to watch my oldest at his Volleyball match. As we sat in the bleachers, I asked her how she would stop thinking about her ex if she were in my situation. She told me that she would focus on the new man in her life and whenever a thought popped into her head about the ex, she'd force herself to think of the new guy. I also talked to my sister last night and asked her the same question. She also told me to focus on the new guy in my life, to leave the past in the past and to look ahead to the future. One of her comments was that the past is way, way gone - there is nothing we can do about it now. She added that life is short - far too short for continued angst and agony.

Life is far too short for me to continue to beat myself up over a relationship that was not meant to be. It is time for me to really move on and release the pain and regrets I have over what wasn't. For me, I think that I hold on to all of this because as long as I do, I still have the people I've lost with me. It has always been very hard for me to give up the past and to move on. But if ever there was a time to do so it is now. And maybe it is as simple as consciously committing to and concentrating on what is active and alive in your life.

Today I am grateful:

1. For family.
2. For friends.
3. For TAZO Awake tea.
4. For the belief that being a good, kind person will in the end bring more peace and comfort than doing something spiteful to Husband #2 (like sprinkling a product on his lawn that will kill all the grass).
5. That my boys are popular and well-liked.

Sacrifices - Or, Love is the Answer

I have just finished reading a great little book titled, "Big City Eyes" by Delia Ephron. (Delia is such a pretty name.) I picked it up some months back from the $1.00 book table at my discount bookshop. I was attracted to it because it is a mystery built around the life of a divorced woman with a teenage son facing the guilt she has over her divorce. Topics I could well relate to. The main character, Lily (another lovely name) moves out of New York City to a small, rural town to provide a safer lifestyle for her son. She ends up falling in love and having an affair with a married man with three small children. In the end, she realizes that if she stays in the town she will continue the affair and it will end this man's marriage. She does not want his children affected by divorce as her son has been affected. It is one of the reasons she decideds to return to NYC.

I like the theme of sacrifice in this book and I can also relate to that. When my Mom was dying in July, 2007 I put off my move to join my husband out of state and this decision was the catalyst for the divorce. I also had a number of strong concerns about my boys moving out of state to a larger working-class, industrial city where there was a high crime rate and gang/drug issues. So in many ways I can relate to the sacrifices Lily made for her son and then her lover. She had the strength to make them because she knew it was the right thing to do.

Examining my divorce in this way is helpful to me and reduces some of the guilt and pain I feel. My husband believed that I chose my Mom over him and it should have been the other way around. But there was no way at the time that I could have moved under the circumstances and left my Mom alone in that hospital room. Nor could I do it today. About my boys, by the time I had come around to accepting the move and the implications it would have for them, the realtionship was already over. Should I have been worried about my boys' outcome? Absolutely! If I hadn't been concerned what kind of mother would I be?

So, I can look at some of the decisions I made that contriuted to my failed marriage as sacrifices I made for the betterment of others. And looking at it all in that way makes the end of the marriage somehow less of a mistake or a waste. I acted out of deep love, care and concern for the people closest to me that had been in my life prior to my marriage.

This book had an added bonus (what a treat!) that turned out to be very healing to me. As she drives out of the small coastal town, her lover Tom, who is a cop, stops her with his lights flashing. He wants to say goodbye. Lily had not had any contact with him after she made her decision to move. I just thought that this was such a sweet and appropriate ending. Even though their relationship was over, Tom wanted to say goodbye and give her a kiss. Of course, this is in direct contrast to my husband who refused my request for a face-to-face goodbye after our mediation and then ran out the door when it was over! In a way I got the ending I wanted with him by reading this book! It made me recognize that most normal people out there would have said goodbye.

It is just interesting to me that in my life I seem to find the books I need to read when I most need them (or they find me). And I am grateful for that.

Today, I am also grateful:

2. That I still believe in the power of love and that my divorce hasn't made me cynical and bitter.
3. That I have people to love and care for in my life.

Out of the fog to face reality

I am not sure I even understand this but I am going to try and put it down to make some sense of it. Today, when I got up from bed it was like being released from a bad dream. That some of the fog has lifted. I do not really know where I have been the last seven months! I know I have been functioning - cooking, shopping, attending high school football games, showering, eating, sleeping, grieving, filling the van with gas, shoveling snow. But it is almost that I have been maintaining an illusion of functioning or going through the motions. The past seven months since the divorce was filed seem like some place of unreality. I think I was functioning but that only part of me was actually present in that functioning. Maybe to describe it as though I became two different parts of myself and one went into hiding and the other came out and did all the stuff that needed to be done. Looking back on the past seven months I see myself as just existing in survival mode and somehow managing to get through the days and then not remembering much of the specifics of the days or how I actually lived them. Does this even make any sense? To be half living? Maybe that was what I was doing, only letting myself experience half of what was really happening because I would not have been able to truly feel or deal with the all of it.

I certainly knew without any doubt that this marriage was completely over on July 7th but I wonder if some part of me kept that actual acknowledgment at bay until the settlement mediation on February 19th. I can only now describe this reaction as finding yourself coming to after being in a car accident for example, and looking around and surveying the damage and saying, "Now what?" I'm not sure I was capable of even acknowledging the wreckage remaining from the end of this marriage until now. It is like the dream state I have existed in (which might better be termed as not facing reality) served as some kind of protection. And without that protective shield I would not be able to now have the strength to face the damage and start picking up the pieces.

Today I am grateful:

1. That whatever state I was in the past seven months helped get me through an incredibly painful part of my life.
2. That I am doing my best to face this trying period of my life with honesty and not by running away (literally) as my husband did. Nor am I covering up my pain with drugs, alcohol or excessive intake of empty calories, although I did eat some extra French bread with lots of butter the night before mediation. And we'll just not mention that big bag of peanut M & M's that I seemed to be the only one eating around Valentine's Day - "Oh look, the bag is amazingly empty!"
3. That I am just alive! And still feeling and still living even though it hurts like hell!

Not Even A Goodbye

The mediation is over and sadly my husband refused to even say goodbye, which I requested to have an opportunity to do. So we parted without any personal contact. I was awarded (after a long, hard battle on my part) a small monetary settlement which can be put toward the past due mortgage and my upcoming tax liability. Following are some of the comments from my attorney (female) and the mediator (male). They are related here in an effort to reflect on the event and provide some much needed closure. A very close girlfriend drove me the five hour journey and sat with me during some of the non-confidential process and I'll put her comments in too.

Both my attorney and the mediator said that in the 20 years they have been practicing, they have never encountered a spouse who refused to say goodbye! My attorney said my husband refusing to do so and also for failing to communicate with me at all the past seven months was "absurd." The mediator stated my request to have an opportunity to talk to my husband, who refused because he said he would "break down" and he did not want to do so. My husband told the mediator he is still "madly in love" with me. The mediator replied that if he still had such feelings, exploring counseling should be considered. He also felt that the reason my husband gave for not seeing/talking to me was not valid. But my husband said there was "too much water under the bridge" at this point. My husband told my attorney and the mediator that he really had wanted to be married to me and be a father to the boys. My attorney later said that I am "beautiful, intelligent, well educated and have two beautiful boys." She further said that yes, I have suffered great heartache but that actually has made me more valuable of a person. She said that my husband was given the "real deal" and threw his "beautiful, ready-made family" away. She wanted to ask my husband where his manners were and what had his mother taught him? At that point she was no longer in the room with him and was not able to do so.

The mediator assured me that my husband's behavior was not a reflection of me but his issues. He said that it takes two to communicate/work on a marriage, etc. and my husband clearly didn't want to make that effort. He assured me that after surviving even greater pain (death of husband, death of mom, son being diagnosed with heart condition only one year of husband dying) that I would survive this too. My attorney praised my sense of humor and said that would help. She told me that there is a reason he got to age 50 without marrying. That as much as he craved the family life and being married, he could not get out of his narrow zone to experience that. She actually said that she felt I had been "conned" by my husband.

My friend admitted that she has no patience for the behavior of my husband and considers him damaged goods and forever broken. She wonders if his mother neglected him as a baby. She wants me to focus on cutting my losses, moving on and healing. (What a good, dear friend!)

My attorney reported that after the mediation ended, she saw my husband put on his coat and actually run from the office!

The mediator and my attorney were very sympathetic toward me and treated me with much compassion and often in a very therapeutic manner. Both agreed that this was a highly unusual case and that my husband's behavior was not typical. For example, the mediator noted that my husband was not personally engaged in the mediation process and deferred all of his responses to his attorney. That was frustrating to him because the purpose of mediation is to give power and a voice to the divorcing couple instead of the attorneys.

My thoughts:

1. Running away at the end of the mediation is such a good metaphor! He has been running from intimacy and connection the entire marriage. And this along with his failure to say goodbye is a fitting ending. It also makes sense that he was not actively involved in the mediation process and was having his attorney make the decisions because he had not been emotionally involved in the marriage.

2. He was totally unable to get outside of himself for even the five minutes it would have taken to say goodbye. He had to avoid that pain and couldn't even bear it because it was the right thing to do. I think back to all the hurt and pain I have endured on behalf of others. Five minutes is a drop in the bucket compared to nursing a husband with cancer for three years! This guy couldn't even give me that!

3. It is obvious that my husband's claims that he "madly" loves me are false. I think he thinks he loves me but his love is a false love (on the level of high school students or some cockeyed Hollywood view). Even my 16 year old son knows the decent thing to do is to break up with his girlfriend of the month in person. Truly loving someone means that sometimes we do not do what we want for ourselves, but what our partners need/want. In my opinion if he truly loved me he would have said goodbye as a final act of love toward me.

4. In the end, I drew my trump card which was our 100+ piece vintage glassware collection that we had amassed over the course of our marriage. I knew my husband coveted this collection and did not want to lose it. It worked in my favor but makes me totally sad that he values a collection of glassware more than the love he had for me. Another metaphor - what he wants is a beautiful collection to gaze at and admire. That collection will never talk back to him or interact with him in any way. And that is what he wants more than an actual honest-to-goodness relationship.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the kindness of others in the face of heartache (close friends, mediators and attorneys trying to make a difficult situation less painful).
2 For finally reaching a resolution to a long, drawn out situation that should never have gone on as long as it did in the first place. (The settlement I received is what I requested back in September!).
3. For knowing that what is most important is the love we cultivate through our relationships with others and that possessions can never replace that. I covet the relationships, heartache and all.