St. Patty's Day

I am very, very tired of late. My youngest told me the other day that I need to snap out of my funk. Kind of just drifting and going through the motions. In four months we will be gone from this location and I have started to panic at all that needs to get accomplished by then. Having moved from a large home three years ago, I am aware of all that is entailed with a major relocation. Doing it all on my own again... Packing, sorting, tossing, physically moving furniture and boxes, the emotions involved with discarding the old...

Spring has sprung early. I should be relieved that Old Man Winter is gone for another season but am almost too weary to rejoice in the warm weather. I also seem to suffer from PMS-related depression so mid-month my anxiety increases and my mood plummets.

This is where I am - not particularly a good place but where I am for the now. I have been reflecting on and trying to prepare mindfully for the strength I will need to really embrace four months from now when both boys will be at college and I'll be a widowed empty-nester. The reality of this part of my life and I think widowhood in general, is that widows have to constantly reinvent themselves and forge new paths in their lives. That is very tiring to face over and over, yet alone have to live through.

Eight years of raising my sons on my own after almost three years of care giving to a sick and dying husband. It all catches up with you. To move past this period of my life is long overdue. It is fitting and necessary to be physically moving from this location as it will represent a new beginning and options for me and my family. Leaving the area is the best prescription for us.

But in the meantime, I still have to live and get through the upcoming days and months. Hope a little St. Patrick's Day luck will come our way and to everyone.

Reality and Fantasy

Here is my giant knitted door carrot. A perfect image for this post which is about reality and fantasy, as a carrot is real but my giant carrot created from fantasy.

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with my reality. I just don't want my life as it is. Of course I know I can't get my old life back. So then I concentrate on a new and better life. I'm doing everything I can to not accept my life as it currently is. I'm going to need some help and direction in getting through this mind set. I'm hoping the audio by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope - How to Turn Life's Challenges into a Journey of Transformation" will help me.

This afternoon before heading out to see my son's volleyball game, for the heck of it, I goggled inexpensive real estate in the college town my son will be moving to in August. I saw the most adorable charming and cozy cottage for under $45,000! I immediately pictured myself gardening outside and filling the inside rooms with my antiques, books and knitting. My mind continued to race ahead. I could probably find work as a library technician in a college town - heck I could even go back to school for my PhD. I enjoyed this little flight into fancy. It was actually giving me a lift!

As I drove to one of the wealthy suburban communities next to mine, I thought about how I am so ready to move from here. It is costly for one thing, and after my youngest finishes high school there is no reason to really stay. In fact, staying is painful in many ways. I arrived at the high school, which is actually so big it resembles a community college campus. I missed a few minutes of the game because I had to park so far away after figuring out which building housed the gym - as there were a number of athletic buildings, I finally tracked down the school bus that drove our team and asked the bus driver for directions.

Just more fuel to leave this area. It is congested and everything is so massive and pretentious. It would be relaxing and like a vacation to live in a smaller community and college town.

But as much as I enjoyed dreaming about the little 1940s small town cottage, I'm not sure that is the answer either in terms of my trying to accept the here and now. To find contentment and happiness in the present and not look forward to attaining it in the future. Still, I think about my door carrot and don't think there is anything wrong with flights of whimsy that make you smile at times. Such a hard concept to balance, our reality vs. our dreams.

When One Door Closes...

When I was going through my divorce, I bought a lovely little necklace from the Signals catalog of a door. The door opened up to display the wording, "When one door closes, another one opens." These words were a powerful motivation for me during that cruelly trying time.

I reflect on those words now and this current topic. During the period of my divorce, I corresponded by email with a wonderful father of four living downstate, three hours away. He had total custody of his children and our relationship progressed to the point of interacting daily by email. We did talk occasionally on the phone and even met once. I considered him more of a good friend and he is the one person I can say really understood what my life of widowhood was like and being an only parent. We often commiserated and compared parenting notes. We had planned to meet again when he came to my area for a work seminar, but those plans fell through when his mother died.

I am sure our relationship would have deepened if we lived closer to one another. As it was, last summer when I was up to my eyeballs in trying to prepare my house to be sold and all of that, I decided to end our interaction, solely due to the distance between us. Sam was fully aware of my friendship and wasn't threatened. But for all involved, I felt it was time to let it go.

Early this year, I decided to check and see how my friend was doing. He got back to me with the news that he had remarried right around Valentine's Day. Wonderful news and lucky for him to have met a nice woman within that six month time period between when I'd last communicated with him (July). I will admit feeling a little envious and even some regret. The man I'd chosen to continue with in a relationship hadn't wanted the commitment of marriage. I questioned whether I'd picked the wrong guy. But no, I can't think like that - there was the distance factor and my resolve to have the boys finish high school where they are.

I have to console myself with the knowledge that there are men out there who want to get married. I was talking with my oldest today about dating and I mentioned that I don't feel I've been very lucky in/with love since the death of my spouse. My son said it is not so much that I haven't been lucky, just that I haven't had a relationship where the man lives in the same area.

Anyway, what really has given me solace are the words on that door necklace. I want to believe that perhaps I had something to do with my friend meeting his new wife. My letting go caused him to reach out, or get out there or do something different that resulted in his meeting her! Now that is pretty darn amazing. One door closed for my friend, but boy did it open! What a happy ending considering he had recently lost his home due to foreclosure. He told me that he and his new wife are buying an old five-bedroom farmhouse through a contract arrangement. I wonder if it is the farmhouse I saw for sale when I checked out real estate listings in his town, just for fun. I remember looking at that listing and thinking it would have been a good fit.

My friend is proof that you can survive foreclosure and divorce and move on to a new, hopeful and happy life. I want to believe that his story can be experienced by all of us and that someday I too may be able to joyfully speak of an opportunity for another chance at marriage and living in a home again.

The latest piece of motivational jewelery that I am interested in is from Jane Seymour's line at Kay Jewelers. They feature two open, intertwined hearts. Her inspiration for creating the line came from a saying of her mother's - that as long as you keep your heart open, love will find its way to you. I hope it finds a way back to my heart too.

Winter Blues

There is a daily fatigue that seems to settle into my bones during the winter months. An undercurrent of fear simmers that I will fall on the ice and break a bone. Who would care for me? The winter weather and darker days exaggerate my being alone.

These are the days for hunkering down and snuggling a bit longer under the covers. I miss having a warm body next to me sleeping. I miss the absence of a strong male presence in the home. Someone to rely on when the roads are slippery with snow coming down - just knowing they can be called to come make a rescue if I land in a snowbank.

I feel vulnerable and lonely. Soon after my husband died, someone told me that I was so lucky I had the boys to raise - because I would never be lonely (and I would be too busy besides). But I think it goes without saying that I am lonely for romance and adult interaction. You can be lonely even living with a large number of people (think homesick college freshman living in a dorm).

Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. I felt I had that when my husband was alive. We served as cheerleaders for each other. Now I have to rely on the occasional well wishes of friends and acquaintances. There is not a daily support mechanism in place. And truth be told, it gets pretty old pretty quickly being your own cheerleader.

I miss looking forward to a night out for dinner, a movie or a show with a partner. Those are the kinds of activities that help recharge our batteries. I miss planning a romantic dinner at home complete with a special meal and candles. I miss all the physical aspects of being in a romantic relationship, mostly the day-to-day hugs, affectionate pats, smiles and verbal affirmation.

We are ending finals week at the boy's school and I am convinced that the best decision was made to keep them here. But it does come at a great price because I have lost regular physical contact with Sam and I am sad about that. Long distance relationships bring with them their own challenges, in addition to all the others that exist in maintaining a committed relationship in the first place.

The well-known author and psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote all the birth order books, believes that single parents should not even consider remarrying until their children are out of school. He feels there are too many conflicting problems and issues in attempting to blend families together. I can certainly relate to his reasoning since I have struggled with balancing the needs of my sons with that of my own. And there is a part of me that remains annoyed with the situation of Sam moving out-of-state to take a job. It is such a slap in the face to me. To have met a decent, compatible guy and have him move away. It seems so ironic that I made a conscious decision to date only locally because I did not want to face a relocation. And then the same situation ended up presenting itself. I am beyond trying to figure out a rhyme or reason to this and just want to be able to rely on some safety and reliability for a change instead of having to dodge curve balls.

My husband's death came at a rotten time in regard to the boys' ages. It would have been easier if they had been younger or older in terms of relocating and remarriage. But I guess there is not much point to dwelling on that. It is what it is and I am where I am and have to somehow make the best of all of this from this point on. And part of that means facing any upcoming winter storms on my own here, at least for the time being. My sixth winter on my own.

Today I am grateful that:

1. We are surviving finals week.
2. The temperature today will be close to 40 degrees.
3. The boys have worked very hard on their academics (they had three weeks of missed work to make up).
4. We have not gone hungry this month.
5. The boys were welcomed back to their school with open arms, love and support.

More of Sam's Feedback

Sam was kind enough to call me again to rehash all of this. He had 15 minutes before work started for him. He said he cannot see us moving if we are all going to be miserable. He is worried that the boys WILL fail at the new school and the problems that would then result. He said we are trying to work out the best solution for all of us and that it would probably be better to revisit the move at the end of the school year. He agrees that our trial run in Dec. did make him now hesitant to get married but does not want to end our relationship... He said he will try to send approx. $200.00 monthly to help out in addition to covering our cell phone bill. He wishes he could provide more but cannot do so. Sam also pointed out that some married couples live out-of-state and others work through situations like ours because of school issues with the kids. He admitted the schools in the new town are not as good as what the boys are use to and he understands the difficulties in moving.

Hearing all of this just makes me want to move because I don't want to lose such a stand-up guy. I feel we are right for one another but I suppose the timing and circumstances are not. Sam told me he does not think it is in my heart to make the move right now. I told him if I have to choose it would be to move because of him but he does not want to make ultimatums. Nor does he feel that the turmoil that is going on right now serves as a good foundation in which to start a marriage.

In a way, I am now having my cake and eating it too. Being able to stay back so the boys can attend school here but not being able to live with Sam and start our lives under one roof is a terrible price to pay and I am not dancing in the street with joy. There would be sadness, regret, pain and loss whichever decision the two of us came too. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and that no one road was a win-win for us. Both decisions involved loss and sacrifice.

Rocky Road

Sam and I spoke at length last night and this morning he called and the first words out of his mouth were that he thinks we should stay here and not move to him. It was a disheartening conversation. Part of his feelings result from the three weeks we spent living with him in December. He feels the boys and I were very unhappy and as a result, it did change his views about marrying me. We had spoken of marrying in January but now he does not feel "comfortable" doing so and wants to wait to "build up trust" again and to "make sure it is the right thing to do" for all of us.

I would have to say that this is all pretty distressing to me. I told him I'd wished he'd said something to me sooner and he replied that back in Dec. he had been hoping things would improve/change. I admit I was having a hard time of things and pretty depressed at that time. I thought he understood where I was coming from and would give me some leeway in getting through the tangle of emotions that surrounded me.

The move and my decision to enroll the boys in the new school for a kind of trial run was made very quickly and I had just completed the intensive 5-week Nursing Asst. training course. We literally left for our move hours after my last clinical class on Sun. and the boys started school on Mon. During the three weeks we lived with Sam I was also driving home on the weekends to finish my two-week notice with the big box store. It was very stressful and I did the best I could. Now I feel I am being judged by a set of criteria that is not fair.

Sam says the door to his home is still open and nothing else has changed except for his not wanting to get married right now. I told him that from my perspective the whole point of moving is to get married, be with him, share life and rebuild our family together. His view is that I should be moving to have a better life. I believe a better life will come out of being with him. He says marriage will come down the road out of a better life.

Well, I feel as though another curve ball as come my way. I am trying to understand and be patient with Sam for his outlook right now. But I still feel a little betrayed since the tune has changed here. Part of the reason I made the decision to move in Dec. was because marriage was on the table. I have never believed in living together and know that is not a comfortable option for me.

If we move now it will seem like I am on trial or have to prove myself and in my opinion that is the backwards approach to take to this commitment together. It seems as though we should feel strongly about our intentions to one another before I move, not have me move and then see how things develop.

I have never questioned my feelings about Sam. What I have questioned has been having to move the boys at this point in their lives. Sam said he thought I would be settling by moving to be with him. I'm not sure why he feels this way now when some months ago he told me that I had to move since I had no other choice. Wasn't that settling back then? I've never looked at it that way. It is a difficult situation because of moving out-of-state with the boys having to transfer schools.

I still have no question of Sam's integrity or intentions. He told me he was speaking from the heart. He has always been a man of his word and I trust him. But it was painful for me to hear him say last night that it would be easier to split up if it doesn't work out if we're not married than if we are.

Now I feel as though a can of worms has been opened. If we relocate and it doesn't work out, it would be incredibly difficult to come back, especially from a financial position. I have to consider that too. I also have to come to terms with my indecision over this and how it has impacted Sam. But that is all part of the only parent curse. He has an ex-wife with whom to co-parent. I don't and that has resulted in much agony the past weeks.

I was in the common area doing laundry and met a lovely, grandmother also doing her wash. We got to talking and I told her a little about what is going on. She knowingly nodded her head and shared that she moved out of the area when her son was 17. He ended up running back to Chicago and lived with a friend. He was not going to school and she moved back to get him straightened out and in school again. She was like an angel sent to me, a gift. She related that it is a difficult situation with kids the ages of my boys and maybe all we need is some more time to adjust. Sam has suggested that maybe we give the moving another try at the end of the school year or summer and see if that will make it easier for the boys.

Sam told me he would send me what money he can to help out and that we will see how our relationship progresses with the distance between us. He is trying to be as open-minded as possible. But in the meantime I am still stressing to the max about finances and the fear of just not being able to make it here. My angel said that it is hard trying to make it on one's own without a spouse. It was so nice to be speaking face-to-face with someone who knows and understands. She told me I was lucky to have found someone. I totally agree.

Part of me just wants to run into Sam's arms tonight and say we will make it. It might be hard, there may be a period of adjustment but it will work out. I don't want to lose this man but as my angel said, I don't want to lose my sons either.

There would be no conflict here is Sam had remained in the area. His move out-of-state has been the monkey wrench. I feel angry and resentful about that. Why would the Universe bring me this guy and then have him move away? Why does this widow have to endure even more hardship? When will it ever end? What I long for is a life with a partner and some basic financial security. I don't understand why there has to be so much torment to reach that goal. I don't think I'm asking for all that much. I don't want to be rich, just secure. I just want a decent, nice man (he can have flaws and be imperfect). After traveling so long on roads that are rocky, unplowed and dangerous, it would just be nice to have one in front of me where there are no potholes - a smooth and easy drive, even for a little stretch.

Bad Mother Either Way

So I guess this is what I have determined to be the real question here - which one makes me a bad mother?

1. To stay in Ill. so the boys can stay at their existing HS where they are doing well academically and socially as well as in their sports.

or

2. To move out-of-state to a HS the boys are having extreme difficulty adjusting to. They will probably end up not being able to play any sports the duration of HS.

1. If I stay we are poor, to the point of me needing to use food banks for all of our food this month. I do not have the money for food. It is my reality. Even figuring out how I will be able to get some gas will be a challenge.

or

2. If we move, it would be less of a financial struggle and I would feel supported by Sam.

In any case, once I get a job at either location life will be greatly improved. But it will be hard to look for work on my own and then start in with the full-time hours and go with that grind here by myself. It would be far easier to live with Sam while working because there would be two of us on the home front instead of just me. I haven't worked full-time for years.

A lot hinges on how quickly I can find a job. I sit for the CNA certification on 1/14. But regardless, it looks like the month of Jan. would be very lean and mean and cold.

So back to the question. Is it better to keep the boys here where they have the stability of school, friends and community and the unpredictable nature of having to rely on food pantries? Or, better to move the boys where it will screw up their academics and possibly their chances at any sports scholarships for college but at least we will have more food and I'll have the support of Sam?

Which one makes me a worse mother? Knowingly moving into poverty or knowingly screwing up lives so as to avoid poverty? Or will I be a bad mother either way, so at this point does it really matter what I decide?

Running In Place

This morning I went to my dermatologist to have him check out some growths on my thigh I became concerned about. Skin cancer runs in my family and I had a mole removed a couple years ago, also on my leg. I figured I needed to know whether I needed to be worried before canceling my health insurance. My doctor has been out of the country for the last month and a half so worrying about this has been in the back of my mind. It turns out the growths aren't even moles but are caused by insect bites. And that my doctor does not take my insurance anyway. He accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield but I have BCBS - Select and he doesn't take that one. So much for the $350.00 a month I am paying for health insurance. I can't afford it but am so fearful of not having it, especially because of my husband's long illness and then when my youngest got diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome.

While on the road, my bankruptcy atty. called me and we talked about my not being able to afford the filing right now. I have received two checks totaling almost $1,000.00 from the mortgage lender from when I sold the house. But I am unable to cash them because they are made out to the estate of my deceased husband (and with no will or estate set up my bank won't cash them). My attorney said he would prepare and file a small estate affidavit for me free of charge if necessary.

Then I went to State Farm to discuss options for car and health insurance. I want to suspend the ins. on my beater car and just start using the van. I also requested that my oldest be taken off the policy just for now, until I get a job. But apparently there were problems doing that. I still have to figure that out. My agent warned me to not cancel my health ins. before being accepted for another plan so I've kept the Blue Cross for now although I am starting to have panic attacks about not being able to afford it, having the payment bounce and then getting prosecuted for writing bad checks and then not being able to find work because I'll have a criminal record... Oh lord, the worry just doesn't cease.

I stopped by a local resource center to check into benefits. The food pantry had just closed but is open every Mon. and Wed. I am no longer ashamed to apply for any type of assistance.

I called up my old mortgage lender to see if they would reissue the checks but they will not because my husband was the only name on the mortgage. They suggested I stop by one of their facilities that operates as a bank. I did so but it turns out the place is not affiliated with the mortgage branch so they could not help me.

Then I seemed to remember having filled out a small estate affidavit at some time, so went to the storage shed and took stuff out and found a box of old records but no such affidavit. It was snowy and cold and I could not get all the stuff I took out back in so I ended up with storage boxes in the van and will have to figure out where to store them now because I am not going back to the shed any time soon. That was pretty depressing!

Sam called to tell me he was thinking of me and understands my low mood and feelings. He wants me to come over tomorrow and stay through Wed. as his son will be with him and he has to work Wed. The boys have found friends to stay with so I will go tomorrow. I told him we have to sit down and really discuss this move and whether or not it is going to happen. We also need to discuss finances and the whole nine yards. He agrees. I know he believes it best that I bite the bullet and move but he also gets my hesitation because of the boys.

During the afternoon I stopped by a large nursing facility to see what positions they have open for Nursing Assistants. There are some during the day shift, part-time only. When I got home, I spent a larger part of the afternoon than was fun tearing through my paperwork to try and find some old check stubs from the big box store that I need for the bankruptcy filing. With the move and all the crap in the storage sheds, it appears next to impossible to locate anything that I need. So I will have to call corporate for copies as I am not opening that storage shed until spring!

My oldest is sleeping over at a friend's. My youngest and I heated up the turkey and trimmings leftovers my friend gave us for the second time.

In the old days, just a few short years ago, a day like today would have been spent browsing at Barnes and Noble, eating lunch out and then seeing what was on sale at Talbot's. I would have struggled with the decision of whether or not to buy one or two sweaters, or maybe even three. Ah, the good old days.