Optimism

I am not optimistic by nature. From the time I've been a little girl, I've tended toward the serious, gloom and doom side. I do focus on the negatives of life. Just the other day, I got the boys and I Qdoba for dinner - we had free coupons that expired that night and it was after a volleyball game, so it was late - 8:00 p.m. Of course, I ordered the small Nachos and didn't get any chips to go with them! Then for some strange reason, they've stopped sending me the Values advertising supplement that used to come every Wednesday in the mail. It is full of the store ads and coupons for fast food places which come in handy with the boys. I didn't request they stop my delivery. I talked with the postman and he told me to call the company putting out the ads. I did so but only got voice mail - left a message asking for the ads to be sent again, but after two weeks haven't gotten it yet.

Anyway, my youngest told me last week that I am the most negative person he knows. I wasn't upset, although this was while I was driving him to Build-A-Bear, a 20-mile round trip and felt he could have saved the comment for another time. I've been thinking about his statement. His interactions have been with me as an only parent, first grieving the loss of his father, then grieving my divorce and then the loss of my home. A lot of years with a lot of sadness and strain.

For a while now, I've been toying with the idea of really trying to be more positive in my life. To try and turn the negatives into positives and all that. I was going to even make this a new year resolution and give it a go for a month. But I've changed my mind. Pain, sorrow and hardship are part of the human condition. By pretending to make negatives into positives, I'm not honoring who I am or how I'm feeling. And I want to be as authentic as possible.

Here's the deal. We live in this society that doesn't want to feel any pain. We try to avoid it at all cost and put down people who can't seem to be more positive despite their problems. Well, right not life is hard in certain ways and I'm not going to gloss over that. My life is getting better but it is a slow climb from all the loss. This period of my life is just what it is. Some challenging years as an only parent following the death of my husband, loss of home and financial instability. And you know, that is okay. It can be kind of crummy right now. I don't have to make excuses for how I feel about my life or feel bad on top of all else because I can't muster up the strength to always be optimistic and cheerful 24/7.

I try not to wallow. I do my best to look for the good in everyday. But it is still okay to say that this is a tough time for me right now. That things could be better and that I wish they were. Sometimes to just be coping with the situation at hand is optimism in and of itself. And in closing, it isn't funny to come home with a bowl of uneatable Nachos and it not being worth it to drive back to the Qdoba the next town over.

I said "No" this week. On Wednesday, my day off, I spent the ENTIRE day taking care of taxes (mine and the boys'). There were complications. My H & R Block guy had to reschedule the next appointment after me because we needed more time. Thursday I was supposed to go to a volunteer church activity with my girl friend but I didn't want to go. I was tired from the tax ordeal and kept looking around my home space in dismay. I just can't seem to rustle up the time to tend to home duties. Now why would I be volunteering my valuable time to give to others when I can't even take care of my own needs?

On that same note I told Sam I couldn't come to see him over the weekend. When I go to see him it is a break and fun but I come home to everything I left undone and it creates a lot of stress. So he is going to come for Easter.

Everything takes so much time - laundry, housework, cooking, cleaning. I have told myself that I have to focus on taking care of the home front first and foremost. No more running away for play time. That is a hard one, because of course we need free time and enjoyment. But I need to get some aspects of my life together and squared away and as a widowed mom, the only way that is going to happen is if I do concentrate on work for the time being. The playing can come later.

I don't often say "No." But I have to in order to preserve my sanity and move onward. There is that double standard thing going on though. When I assert myself and stick up for myself I'm often criticized and told I'm not organized or strong enough - that something is deficient with me. I won't play the game anymore. Thursday and Friday were so busy at work. I was tired both days. After work on Friday I went to my absolutely most favorite place in the world to go - Walmart - to pick up my son's prescription for acne medication. Every month I go through some major conflict getting this script filled and yesterday was no different. I ended up spending two hours in the Walmart (I will spare you the details). I hadn't had lunch and was starving. I considered buying a candy bar or something. I didn't get home until after 5:00. So for those out there constantly pointing a finger at me, I put up my hands and say, a big "NO more."

Clean Slate

It is finally Spring, the season of fresh starts and new beginnings. I am trying to be more authentic to my needs and feelings and expressing them in an open and honest way. So far I'm not having the best of success.

For whatever reason I seem to have hit a wall of exhaustion physically and emotionally. My girlfriend and I talked about this after church yesterday. I think it has to do with cumulative stress as an only parent. She agrees that there is great stress from never seeming to finish or complete what needs to get done. In our cases, there is always left over laundry and dishes in the sink. We've both kind of given up on having tidy and organized households but the fact is, our incomplete tasks are always there starting at us in our faces, mocking us, telling us we're not good enough because we can't seem to get it together.

Then there is the lack of a helpmate/tag team buddy reminding you of what you've forgotten or need to do, filling in for you when you can't, providing moral and physical support...

We both have kids of high school age yet there is a demand to still coordinate their schedules, keep track of who goes where when, to make meals, try to get to the mail. clean, shop, do laundry and so on.

For me at least, I don't sleep well alone and probably haven't had a good night's sleep since my husband died. That has to catch up with you over time.

And the constant requirement of having to make all the decisions all the time by yourself. I'm a better team player and don't like ruling the roost. Enough said with that.

Both of us have Seniors in high school and that in and of itself makes for a stressful year.

When I admit I am drained or tired or need help the typical response I receive is that I haven't organized my life well enough. I hear that other women have to remake their lives after the death of a spouse and why can't I seem to get it together?

Then I'm given the line about having the boys do more. Well, for two adolescent boys very active and popular at school, I think they are putting forth a decent effort. Both have tough part-time jobs and now buy all their own clothing and necessities. They work very hard at school and their jobs, and the jobs involve physical labor. One is in the final months of his Senior year and has numerous social activities to attend. He gets to attend those - he has earned it.

And I hear that I should cut back on my attendance at the kids' school events. But why should I? To me that is punishing the widow and the fatherless kids even more. The intact parents are all in attendance. I want to see my kids perform or compete, and if I'm not there no one is there for them personally cheering them on. But when I explain this reasoning, I'm told I'm playing the widow card and I should have stopped playing that years ago.

I defend myself. I am a widowed only parent. My stating the facts of my life simply and honestly doesn't make me a whiner. It is what it is. It explains why I act and think certain ways I do.

In my experience, widows don't win whatever they do. We're not supposed to complain, or compare ourselves to intact couples. Instead of being recognized for doing the best we can under trying and stressful conditions, we're criticized for not doing enough or doing it poorly. And in that regard we do end up being compared to others, which isn't fair. I can't admit or ask for help. When I do I'm weak and not with it. I'm criticized for bring up my widowhood or defending my children who've had more than their share of heartache.

I'm trying to keep The Four Agreements in my mind here. I should stand tall and hold my head up because I am being honest with myself and doing the best I can. Blast the people who criticize - I shouldn't take things too personally. But I'm not going to back down and give in and say everything is all right and yes, I need to get my life in better order and stop playing the widow card. It is a new season and I'm going to stand tall and state my truth and feelings as I see fit. I can do it sincerely and without anger. I don't want to pretend anymore because it makes other people more comfortable. If I can't do something anymore because it is too hard for me that is the reality.

These are the seeds I want to be planting now. Seeds of honesty, openness, realism and truth as I see it, not how others see it or want it to be. I deserve to live a life of truth and to be able to express what is in my life without being put down, insulted or made to feel I'm not doing well enough. Because truth be told, I truly am doing the best I can and most days go above and beyond. Too bad that is seldom acknowledged or praised.

As hard as it is I will try to overlook how others view me and sing some praises to myself for a change. Yeah me! Happy Spring. This is the season for watering my seeds and having them grow into real flowers - strong, honest, resilient and beautiful to boot. There aren't going to be any fake, phony or artificial flowers around this Spring. I don't have the patience of desire for them in my life anymore.

Simplicity

Continue to struggle big time with all of the unbalance in my life. Maybe it stems from being the start of Spring and our desire to clean up house, new beginnings and fresh starts.

Widows carry a lot of stuff on their shoulders. I think about the fact that I have a senior in high school with another senior next year. That's a lot right there not to mention dealing with the finances, upkeep of home, meals, shopping, laundry, etc. I manage the lives of two adolescent males. I still have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and then take the steps to get there. There is a career change in the works. I am still unsettled from the move from house to apartment and the grief/sadness/loss from the death of husband #1 and divorce from husband #2 sometimes reappear.

Perhaps when we are at our most busy and overwhelmed with so many life changes we need to scale back and keep life as simple as possible. I was reminded of this with my daily email from author Lissa Coffey through CoffeyTalk.com. The other day she spoke about the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read the book years ago.

Basically, the book sets out four principles to help us lead better lives through The Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I went to my bookshelves and after a bit of a search (the books are still somewhat disorganized from the move), located this little volume. It seems a good book to take out and reread right now.

Funny, in her weekly email from the knit club leader, she also wrote about feeling highly unbalanced as of late. I sent her an email copying in Lissa Coffey's message and suspecting she had already read The Fourth Agreement, which she had. She emailed back that now there is a book about The Fifth Agreement, which she just bought, and I am curious about checking that out after I reread about the four agreements again.

As I struggle with major life changes wrecking havoc on my soul, the knit club leader related her current struggles with angst. She is struggling with what books to read next and about taking her next classes in The Library Assistant Program. Her two kids are out of college and grown. She has a hubby. Hmmmmm... I need to put a lid on my hmmmm and remember to not make any assumptions!

Heroic Widowed Only Parent Mom

Last week began with my oldest, E., calling me hysterically from the automatic banking machine. He had deposited his cash tips totaling $140.00 and didn't receive a receipt. 18 years old. I've been told by some that I should and even could declare myself more "free" from him. That legally I am no longer even responsible for him. Are you kidding? Maybe 18-year-old males need parental input and support more than ever. I will never desert my sons. My childhood involved my siblings and I to be virtually self-sufficient. And I didn't have children to carry on that legacy. Yes, I need to guide my sons to be responsible and independent adults. But that doesn't mean shooing them out on their own upon their 18th birthdays.

My son ended up calling the bank's "Help" number. I didn't know what else to tell him. He was upset that it was outsourced and had difficulty understanding the woman he spoke with. It was not the time to tell him that I do not use these kinds of machines after hours for just the reason my son experienced. But he was assured that his deposit was credited.

Later in the week, I had the surreal experience of getting E. to two locations at the same time - his first volleyball match, which he was very pumped about since he is head team captain, and yet another band concert. Both locations were 30 minutes apart from one another. Said heroics involved a migraine (mine), negotiations with the vb coach and band director, my son changing into a tux in the van, and running down the halls of the high school to get his instrument from the band room and then to reach the stage. I will leave it at that and forgo more details.

This weekend, I had a 12:15 a.m. run to the all night pharmacy for some medication for my youngest, A. And so it goes.

I am tired and depleted. No one to share the responsibilities with or the logistics of how to figure all this stuff out. Sometimes the difficulties cancel out all the joys of parenthood. When I sink under the covers no one pats my shoulder and says, "Job well done, Mom."

I bring this all up now because I feel I haven't taken care of my own needs. The boys have always come first as it should be. But my relationships have always seemed lopsided, uneven. How can dating or seeing someone ever be fair and equal when my life is so intense and busy? The men in my life haven't had full time parenting responsibilities and have not understood the pressures always on my plate. I end up getting resentful and upset because it isn't even. Sometimes it has felt as though I have to do most of the work in my home along with my personal life.

Is there a solution to this? What do other only parents do when dating when they end up feeling like this?

I have decided to direct the focus onto myself this Spring a little more than I have in the past. I need to tend to my own home and affairs. That is just the way it is and has become. I still have never finished organizing our living environment or my finances and paperwork. It is Spring Break and the boys have promised to help me in this process. I will be more demanding of them.

One of my divorced girlfriends leaves her two kids, the ages of my sons, to fend for themselves over the weekends as she is with her boyfriend, out dancing, going for a drink, etc. I don't approve. She, I suppose is disapproving of my not getting out much socially. We represent two ends of the spectrum. Maybe it is impossible for only/single parents to lead balanced lives. It will just end up being lopsided, falling more on one side than the other. Parents constantly bemoan the fact that there aren't enough hours in the days. For only parents, there truly aren't. Nor is there enough steam in the engine to sometimes accomplish what needs to get done in the most productive manner.

Stupid Ice Storm!

So in the end it all comes down to this. A blog constantly complaining about the trials and tribulations of being a widowed, middle-aged mom. I am on a freaking merry-go-round and just can't seem to get off. Round and round she goes...

This morning awakened to an ice storm from last night and can't get the vehicles scraped off. My car doors were stuck shut and I asked the nice young dad from downstairs for his muscle strength since the boys had already left for school. He got one of the doors opened but I looked at my ice covered windows and came back in for a cup of tea and a blogging gripe session before heading out to do the job. I don't want to. It will probably take me a half hour in the cold and then I'm off to work. I'm already tired and it is only Monday morning. How can someone be tired on Monday morning? I'm tired and drained every day!

I know that I've been posting more positive posts of late, but then an ice storm comes and it just blasts me back 10 steps. Everyone here is sick of winter. When they announced the winter storm advisory last night my youngest groaned out loud.

I wish I had the personality to turn this around with a more positive spin. Thinking/saying that having to go out and scrape a thick layer of ice off my vehicle to get to my "temporary low level job" makes me feel alive because I'm using my muscles and exerting myself in the fresh air. But I'm not that person in the first place and after a number of years of widowhood I haven't become stronger doing everything on my own, just more tired and depleted.

It is not the grief and loss that gets to you in the end - it is the living and doing and coping and struggling on one's own that does you in. At least that is my opinion on this widowhood road. Far more hardships than pleasures and somehow always having the scale tip downward seems a darn shame. Widowhood life is just so unbalanced. There needs to be more "evenkeeledness." But how can there ever be more balance when one is always behind, running to catch up, low on rest, sleep and relaxation and always doing the work of two? It's a no win situation if you ask me. And then throw in a freaking ice storm when it is almost impossible to just keep up when life is "normal" and I'm ready to throw in the towel or should I say ice scraper!

Big and Little Annoyances

Every day there seem to be so many petty annoyances to deal with! I seem to feel them more as a widow. This has been bothering me the past few weeks. For example, I go to Walgreen's for desperately needed eyeglass cleaner and they don't have any on the shelf! None! How can this be I think? I buy the kind that comes in the spray bottle because it lasts longer and is more cost effective. I leave the store refusing to get the little packets because of the cost resigned to the fact that I'll have to use dish soap for a couple more days until I return to the store or another Walgreen's. As I leave the store I notice the new Snickers peanut butter candy bars and decide to treat the boys and I to one. I give the boys theirs after dinner. I take mine and notice that it is a defective package. This candy bar comes in two squares but my package has only one.

Now I can take this as a positive message from the Universe and a fun one at that, telling me that I shouldn't be eating this candy bar in the first place, but I decide I really want what I paid for so I put the candy aside along with the mental note that I need to bring it back to the store for an exchange. Another item on the to do list along with the necessity of not losing a receipt.

I'm at the grocery store and forget the pickles again! So I rush into another store on the way home because we're having turkey burgers for dinner and have already gone too many times without the pickles on top all of us favor.

My son is on a highly regulated acne medication that has ended up being a nightmare to start and then get refills for. The poor doctor has to constantly input data into a computer program and it is confusing to everyone, including the pharmacy at Walmart. This last month, it took two weeks to get the prescription refilled meaning I'm at Walmart so much everyone in the pharmacy knows me. Then I have to end up calling the doctor, going into the doctor's office, returning to Walmart, spending long sessions on the phone with the drug company... Enough to make me want to tear my hair out with frustration!

I can't find the utility bill...

I struggle to come up with a quick and easy dinner idea...

I'm bone tired but my youngest needs help with his Economics project...

I know that when I was married and sharing life with a partner this kind of thing never bothered me the way it does now. I suppose that was because sometimes it was my husband forgetting the pickles. Or that there was someone at home to come home to and complain/commiserate with about the prescription debacle!

Every day all of these little annoyances pile up. Which got me to thinking. What if I just didn't let them bother me? What if I just laughed at them and found them amusing! Because in the end it is the big things that matter the most, like the winter storm we've just encountered. All these other events are annoyances to be sure. But they are just annoyances in the grand scheme of things.

So that is my focus for the month of February (it is a short month after all). To try and let the little things roll off my shoulders a bit more easily. To laugh about the candy bar. To shake my head in wonder that the one item needed from the drug store is sold out. We all encounter these events, I'm not the only one experiencing them. The storm is big news. That is the kind of event that deserves more of my attention, worry and detail. Not the fact that I keep forgetting to buy pickles because I can't seem to get into the habit of carrying a list of needed items in my purse!

Snow Day, Sort Of

Yesterday morning, I went into work but no one had called to tell me I had been taken off the schedule on account of the blizzard on its way. I didn't mind going in and turning back because it allowed me to stop for groceries before the worst of the storm hit. I would say we got about 16 inches of snow but the real kicker was the thunder and lightening that accompanied the storm!

The boys have a snow day today and tomorrow off from school and I am off both days as well. Everything is pretty much shut down around here. Most people are plowed in their driveways and can't get out yet. I heard that Macy's in downtown Chicago was going to try and open for business this afternoon but I want to shout "Why?" Who is thinking about shopping at a major department store after a storm like this? What is so important that it can't be waited to be purchased until the roads clear?

A news person told everyone that was staying home from work today to stay inside and enjoy their families and all I can say to that is a huge "AMEN!" It is so sad that it takes a major storm to give people an opportunity to have a bit of time off and to spend some of it with their families being grateful that they are all safe and sound from the raging elements outside.

I was gleeful at the prospect of three whole days off. But my glee has turned a little bit sour at this point. The boys are off sledding and bowling while I am catching up on laundry and dirty dishes. It makes me realize how much I desperately need a day off - really off from any family and domestic duties. I don't begrudge my sons the fun of a real snow day when they can go out and sled and hang out with friends at the bowling alley. That is part of what a snow day is all about. But I do feel a bit bad that in order for me to claim a real snow day that I'll have to bite the bullet and just stop taking care of all the household chores that seem to mount up no matter what size home you live in! I thought living in a smaller space would mean less to do but it seems as though I'm just as busy as always.

I am reading Edith Wharton's "The House of Mirth" and can't wait for a moment to dive into it again. Am also knitting a very long scarf (over 160 inches long - it is kind of a joke) and want to just sit down and read and knit. The reasons I go off to Sam's once in awhile is because it seems as though the only times I can end up reading, baking or knitting are when I'm away from my home. Because as long as I am here, I'll find more than enough to do and no knitting, reading, or baking will ever get done!

So we all survived another major Midwestern/Chicagoland storm without too much stress or strain!

Just Eat the Kit Kat!

A low-key Halloween. Wanted to do more decorating and crafts but should be grateful that it was an improvement from last year, where I did nothing. At least there was a wee bit of evidence of the celebration around and all fall I have been doing a fair share of baking seasonal treats which was nil last year.

Most recent recipe - just take a small can of pumpkin puree and mix it with a box of Devil's Food or chocolate cake mix. Don't add anything else like eggs or oil. Batter will be stiff. Spoon into 12 greased muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes at 400. These come out very thick and moist. The taste of the pumpkin is not overpowering. Calories = 180 per muffin but I also added one cup of chocolate chips, which I add to pretty much everything I bake. I have seen this recipe on the internet and magazines, it is from the Hungry Girl cookbook. Didn't believe these would turn out but they were great and stayed moist for days!

The boys have told me I've baked enough pumpkin recipes for the season. Today, in honor of Halloween it is traditional to eat donuts, which used to be a mainstay at Halloween parties in the 1930s and 40s. So this morning we had chocolate and apple cider doughnut holes. I make a point of serving donuts on Halloween. The apple cider ones were especially tasty!

The day was sunny but brisk. Took my nature walk and could smell that pungent, spicy odor of burning leaves. Sprayed pumpkin body spray from Bath & Body Works for the full seasonal experience. Apparently they didn't sell this fragrance this year or the apple one they had a few years back so I'm glad I still have some left.

Last night my youngest slept over at a friend's but my oldest and I stayed up until 4:00 a.m. watching one of the "Chucky" doll horror movies - I'd never seen it but my sons both have. It was fun and out of the ordinary.

Part of my mind keeps dwelling on everything I didn't get done that I wanted to. But then I look at this entry and see that it wasn't so bad. The boys created decent costumes and went trick or treating and to parties with their friends. We had some treats. My oldest son's girlfriend is wearing the warm scarf I knit for her out tonight and it is warding off the chill. This is not the same Halloween we would have had living in our home or if my husband were still alive. But it was something. Low-key.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new month. I think I better start planning immediately for Christmas!

Final comment - Just eat the Kit Kat bar. All week I have seen, heard and read healthy substitutions to make for your favorite candy. It's Halloween that comes once a year. Enjoy and eat whatever your favorite is and don't give it another guilty thought!

The Other Women

This topic has been on my mind for a long time. I want to relate it because I continue to believe that I should stop this blog or change its direction. And I want these feelings down for the record. May 1st is my goal for blog shut down.

My husband was married for 12 years when his wife had an affair with her boss for about 9 months - he never knew and when he found out was devastated. They had all been friends including the wife of the boss for many years and often socialized together. I was 10 years younger than my husband and the two wives and 20 years younger than the boss - the new kid on the block. I also had not had children yet.

To my husband, my being age 30 to his 40, made me somewhat of a trophy wife. When we went out together people often thought I was my husband's daughter. The two couples had kids - lets just say I didn't know then what I know now. But what I did and still know was how unacceptable having an affair was to my conscience. I witnessed what the long-term ramifications were over the years. They are far reaching and in the end even had an impact on my two children.

I have to say that I didn't and still don't hold much respect for an educated and professional woman who conducted herself in such a dishonest manner. If I were married and considering an affair I would be honest about it. It was the deception that really tormented my husband. But I relate all of this just for some background in terms of what I really want to discuss.

What bothered me was the fact that my husband's first wife made no effort to save her marriage. She wanted out and got out. And I'm not even sure there was ever a real reason she wanted out in the first place. My husband was a very hard working, decent, honorable man. He was the main caregiver for their son during the early infant years and then when the wife returned to school in pursuit of a doctorate. At the time of the divorce, their son was nine. There was never any emotional, physical or substance abuse involved.

My husband begged for counseling which the wife flatly refused to do. She left their home on Thanksgiving (really, could she have made it any worse?) and my husband started back dating in December. He and I met through the old way they used to conduct personals - by print ads published in the newspaper and where you first corresponded by mail. We had our first date in early February and married on October 20th. And the wife was furious! Her divorce had been finalized in July but it was still dragging out with her boss/lover. They ended up marrying in January.

I'll leave mention out of the early years of our marriage when the ex caused a great deal of strain with unfair visitation requests and the like. In fact, she was also furious when I got pregnant because she felt that the old agreement in place during her marriage (to only have one child) should still be upheld by my husband! She became very bitter when I had our second son.

Cut ahead to the recent past. I meet Sam whose wife left him under similar conditions, although he denies she had an affair. He also has a son, age nine. Again, similar circumstances - her desire for a divorce comes out of the blue, she refuses counseling. As I started to get to know Sam I was struck by the deja vu quality of the situation. And like my husband, Sam had been the main caregiver for his son through the years, taking six months off when his son was born to stay at home and then working jobs that allowed him to be off with his son in the afternoons after school.

I would characterize both wives as being strong, driven, independent and career-orientated women. I, on the other hand, am more dependent, less driven and not that interested in career goals. I am more focused on family and doing for others.

I could say that perhaps these women are more selfish than I, that they look out for their own interests more than I do. I just know that divorce is not always the answer and I would have made an attempt at counseling. Again, I don't feel Sam really ever got a specific reason as to why his wife wanted the divorce. Both women had never given the men any warning prior to their announcements that they were leaving their marriages ahead of time. To me, that is probably the worst aspect of all because it showed that good, open and honest communication was not in place - and that is necessary for any relationship to be successful.

Sam's ex-wife got remarried as soon as the divorce was final and relocated some months later out-of-state taking Sam's son who has since been diagnosed with Autism. In my case with my husband, the ex and her new husband ended up living down the block and there were problems related to the proximity of our lives/homes. We were always running into one another and sometimes that was uncomfortable because we had no space or distance between us. So I'm not sure living nearby is always the best option either - but I suppose for the children it is.

I ended up getting my Master's Degree in counseling because I wanted to work with families struggling with blended family adjustment. That was because of the horrors I witnessed as the result of this divorce and broken family. But again I regress. What truly gets me more than anything about these women is that they went from one husband to the next without missing a beat. In fact, my husband's first wife had been briefly married before and the ink on that divorce wasn't even dry before she was engaged to my husband.

I know comparisons are totally fruitless and I know I get too caught up in the unfairness of life. But it upsets me to no end to see women that I think have been less than honorable go on with their lives without much regard for the consequences, especially toward their children. This is all along the lines of the bad people getting the prize when they don't deserve it. Although my husband's wife was very attractive and had a high ranking/well paying job in administration, Sam's wife is just average in looks and even overweight - yet she managed to marry a man 10 years her junior!

AND THIS IS THE REAL KICKER - THESE WOMEN HAVE NEVER HAD TO SLEEP ALONE! That is what really upsets me here. They went from one man to another without ever having to experience the loneliness and discomfort of a big Queen or King bed when there is only one person sleeping in it.

Sleeping alone is what is slowly killing me, I think. I have reached the point where I can't stand it anymore. I don't feel I ever get a good night's of sleep - this has been going on for years and is taking a huge toll on my physical and emotional health. I just don't feel comfortable, safe or secure sleeping alone. Every night it is like I am only half sleeping because my brain and hearing doesn't completely shut off. I am never fully rested. What a sad realization to be making about my life as a widow because sleep is something we take so for granted. And yet it is also so necessary and vital for our well being.

I remember the distress I felt when I first learned that Sam's wife had gotten remarried. The first thought I had was of outrage that she had gotten the turn that should have gone to a still single widow out there who wanted to get remarried. The widows had paid their dues but not this woman. And that she gotten a man who loved her and was willing to marry her while I still struggle with men who don't want marriage or commitment - and that he was so much younger! It was a lot for me to swallow.

As much as I dislike what these women did to my husband and Sam and their sons (and even me and my sons too) I do now look at their actions and decisions in a new way. Yes, they were selfish and perhaps unthinking of others. But they went after what they wanted and got it. They had an advantage of still being married and not having to move from their homes or deal with financial crisis because of that. Add those hardships to the mix along with some exhaustion and depression from having to deal with solo parenting and grief/loss and you have some pretty depleted women like me - barely able to have the energy to go out on dates, yet not wanting to sleep alone anymore. Looking back, I wish I had thrown myself into the dating arena sooner then I did while I still had money to afford haircuts, clothes and manicures - and still some hope, energy and optimism besides - plus fewer gray hairs. But beating myself up over that is wasted energy that needs to be focused elsewhere.

I've been struggling the past weeks with the awareness of how damaging my negativity is and not knowing how to redirect it. Do I just let myself slide into a deep depression and stay there awhile? Do I make myself think and act as positively as possible, even though in the beginning it will be forced? Do I just forget about grieving, period? Give myself a break from self-reflection, healing and growth? Looking back and observing the actions of these two women, so similar to one another has provided me with some insight into my quest for these answers. Throughout my life I have always taken care of others and put my needs and desires aside. Maybe it is time to be a bit selfish - not in destructive and damaging ways but to make a point of really caring for myself, my needs and desires. To not do anything I really don't want to do. To focus on healing myself mentally and physically as best I can with the limitations of our finances and being an only parent.

One of my other close girlfriends and I chatted and caught up on the phone the other day. I have always been amazed by her energy and she is older than I am. She works full time, has three kids (one away in college). She too divorced last year. But throughout her life as a married woman and now newly single woman, she has always made time for herself. In fact, she goes out every Friday night with girlfriends and Saturday nights are reserved for her guy friend, whom she has been seeing almost a year now. When we last talked, I brought up how even years ago I was amazed that she made herself such a priority since I struggle to do that for myself. She replied that she knew early on that to be a good parent, she'd have to devote time for herself and as long as her kids are safe and taken care of she feels as though she has done her job.

I know that even years ago I questioned that she wasn't spending as much quality time with her kids that I thought she should. But she is a different person than I am and we have unique personalities and life histories. I have always been a more involved parent. I would never have sought a divorce without undergoing some pretty heavy duty therapy/marriage counseling. And she, like the two woman I've depicted here, refused any counseling with her husband. Even though I would never have acted in the ways these woman did, nor will I ever agree with their decisions, I can take something worthwhile from them. They did think of themselves and even put themselves first. For me to do that even some of the time would be a huge risk and change in my life!

So, I have come to the realization that for me, my future path will not involve dissolving into deep despair or depression - nor will it involve faking my way into optimism and hope. Rather, I'm going to take the next few weeks/months and devote them to healing my mind, body and soul. And that will center on thinking of my needs and trying to devote as much as attention as I can to them. I don't want to ponder so much about grief and loss anymore. I want a break from it. I need a break from it. I have started some self-study in the area of happiness, positive thinking and overcoming negativity. And I have found some points that have struck home for me that will be helpful. So in a way, the next step for me on this journey is to continue that study and see where it leads me. Not to forget about the great amount of grief and loss that has occurred in my life the past few years, but to transcend that and focus on a different level - if that makes any sense.

I might continue to blog with that as my goal - it would be a good way to keep track of my progress - but I think it would need to be a different and new blog and not part of this one. It would almost be breaking free of the issues and feelings that have been a part of this blog.

Anyway, I have always wanted to post about this topic and the two ex-wives of the men I was involved with - how similar the situations were, even down to the ages of the two sons. But a prior post would have just centered on the selfishness of these women and the unfairness of life in general. Now, I see it all in a new light. Not that I will ever agree with the divorces that resulted. But I can see that I can make some choices that involve what is good for me. Life shouldn't be all about what makes us happy, nor should it be about just making other people happy. These women have shown me that I need to spend some time and attention on me for awhile - I've never really done that EVER. And it is time. And I think it is what will end up being a very healing component in my life right now. And hopefully that will lead to other big changes in my life involving renewed hope and optimism AND not having to sleep alone!

Flowers

It was prom weekend for my oldest. A tough one for me because along with having to pay H & R Block, there were the expenses for tux rental, flowers, hair cut, gas, after prom party, etc. I was stressing a bit about that because the finances were really strained this month. But at the same time I wanted this to be special for my son so I couldn't freak out too much.

The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.

I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.

It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.

Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.

Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.

I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.

I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!

Sink Full of Dirty Dishes

Humor me, or better said, I am humoring myself. These past few weeks my senses seem heightened in regard to widowhood. I've been having a tough time, perhaps because my new job involves so much physical strain. And I was pretty sick. Not a good combination when you're living and parenting on your own and you're the kind of person who needs a shot of support from a partner on a regular basis. Or at least a partner with whom you're snuggling next to at day's end.

The dirty dishes sat in my sink over the Easter weekend, which also included Monday. Tuesday was my day off. But now my youngest was sick. He'd been ill with similar symptoms to mine and my older son all Spring Break. But he seemed harder hit with throat ailments. My day off on Tue. was spent taking my oldest to the dermatologist and then the youngest to check out his condition. Turns out he has Mono. At 6:00 p.m. I was 12th in line at the pharmacy at Walmart and by 7:00 home and exhausted, AGAIN. The dishes were still sitting in the sink and by now I had no clean pans in which to cook dinner. Anyway, I was too tired to cook and I knew that I'd be up at 4:00 a.m. the next morning to go back to work. So it was a cheap Taco Bell dinner for us all.

Widowhood reminds me of a sink full of dirty dishes. It is ugly, gross and even starts to smell with the passage of time. It is hard to ignore because it is such a vivid reminder of what is and it sure makes its presence known, like when some fruit flies appeared.

I tried cutting myself some slack. As an only parent sometimes there is only so much that can be done. It was a Taco Bell dinner night, so be it. My oldest is not home due to his volleyball commitments and the youngest far too sick to stand at the sink doing dishes to help out. Anyway, with everyone so ill the past three weeks, I felt better doing them myself since I knew I'd do a better job.

But still, I was increasingly upset with the dishes teasing and taunting me. On Easter, I was so physically tired I couldn't stand after my shift. That has been a problem - getting off work and not even being able to tackle the chores at home - the laundry has also been piling up.

I figure in time my body will adjust to the physical work load but I'm 50, not 25 and not as chipper as I once was. The dishes sat until my next day off on Thur. and got done and the laundry was started (I started tackling them Wed. afternoon). My youngest only went back to school on Friday - he was out four days. Now I wonder if it was really Mono that I had when I was sick. I remained ill for three weeks and am still not feeling entirely up to snuff!

Some of this relates to the adjustment of going back to work and I believe only parents face their own set of issues related to balancing work and parenting on their own. There is a tremendous amount of energy spent figuring out the logistics of getting kids to and fro.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my boys and I have always put their needs ahead of mine. But still, it felt hard and tedious being at doctor offices all day. I didn't get a chance to recover from working so hard the previous three days and the next day I was back at it. Nothing got done in terms of chores or housework.

I hate that widowhood robs me of choices - there wasn't another option for me - unless I wanted to collapse at the sink those dishes weren't going to get done. And so they continued to sit there and mock me. Now really, what positives exist in a sink full of dirty dishes? Absolutely nothing as far as I can determine. Likewise, with widowhood. What good has come out of this for my sons and I? Maybe our characters have become stronger and we are more compassionate individuals but that is it. And anyway, we were probably strong and compassionate to begin with to some extent. And there are still plenty of other ways to build up character besides tragedy.

It is becoming impossible for me to accept the limitations and realities of this life of widowhood. I am aware that until I am not widowed and living alone, I will not be content and I will continue to feel this vast void. Trouble is, I'm just too tired/lethargic to get back out there to start rebuilding social connections and there doesn't seem to be enough time either. So for now, I'll try to keep more on top of the dishes so they don't pile up in the future and become overwhelming and ready to topple over.

A Day in the Life

Spent most of the late morning and early afternoon at H & R Block. I had to run home for the boys' social security numbers and that added 30 minutes (my error - I should have thought to have them on me). The first draft had me owing around $700.00. But redoing the numbers with another exemption brought it down to owing nothing, thank goodness, the first time since my husband's death that I am not paying the IRS in April! H & R Blocked charged me $349.00, I thought it would be less. I delayed paying them and having the taxes transmitted because the due date is still a month off. I'll wait until I receive my first paycheck next week - it will only be for a couple hundred dollars but right now I am fearful of running my small checking account balance down and overdrafting. I would rather be safe than sorry. At least I know that the damage isn't going to involve owing the IRS money that I don't have. That is a blessing.

The cold/flu thing I have is still with me concentrated in my sinus area and chest. I have to cough and my voice is hoarse. But I am better, on the mend I would say.

I made the boys go to the free dental clinic they had at the school, which is available to all students regardless of income. The first thing my youngest said when I picked him up from track was "I am never going to that dental clinic again." He disclosed that he was the only non-minority of the 10 kids there. He also said that he does not think my oldest went and will blow it off. The boys have not seen their dentist since last April so I thought it would be a good idea for them to go. It was at the school and I talked with the nurse about the boys being embarrassed. We'd arranged that they would see her for passes so they wouldn't have to be called out of their classes. I just figured it was worth getting done because it was free and would avoid me having to take them in the future and wait for future appointments, etc.

My son's comments upset me - I feel for him. Luckily, he does not need any work done (he got a cleaning). We are the family that had to move to the other side of the tracks. This can't have been easy for my boys. If they rode the bus to school, they would be the only non-minority kids riding. I'm not sure how to process that. Does it make our situation worse to now live in a community where we have become the minority? I have no problems or complaints about our neighbors but I do understand my sons' wariness about riding the bus. They want to avoid trouble and I suppose also want to avoid feeling embarrassed. I feel kind of crappy that I forced my sons (at least one) to go to the dental clinic. I thought it made sense, was worth it and helpful to me besides. Anyway, at least I don't have to worry about getting one of them to the dentist now. I wish I could have gone - you can bet I would have taken advantage of a free cleaning as it has been almost a year for me too.

What I keep being reminded of is that my boys have been deeply touched by my husband's death. In some good ways and in some bad. I continue to feel hurt for them that so few people have ever really stopped to think about how this experience has impacted them. That old cliche "Kids are resilient" doesn't stand muster with me. I have come to believe that kids can be very wounded too. They don't bounce back as easily as we may want to believe.

I needed to stop to pick up something for dinner when I got my youngest. He complained that he did not want to wait for me to even run into the store quickly, agreeing to eat a BLT sandwich tonight with soup since I have those items on hand. I still needed to run into the store for two small tomatoes and to get money for the laundry card. Then I had to fill my little sedan up with some gas. The mileage is great - $20.00 fills the tank and lasts a month!

My son then got annoyed with me and I had to listen to his complaints about my not having signed him up for driver's ed yet - he is 15. He was supposed to register for it at school but did not. Now it will cost me $400.00 or so to get him signed up at a local driving school. While he badgered me with the fact that I love my older son more, I was frantically thinking about the H & R Block bill due, the 4 tires I need to replace on the car, the auto insurance due in mid-April and the fact that I still need to come up with the remaining $400.00 owed my bankruptcy attorney. I was getting irritated at my son, short and snippy but at the same time felt sorry for him because he went to the dental clinic so I didn't want to bash him. But still...

We get home and I realize I have forgotten to pick up bath tissue yet again from the store. I run back out to put $10.00 on the laundry card so I can wash towels tonight, of which there have not been any clean ones in the past few days. The boys go through them like no tomorrow and I am considering hiding them and rationing them out. It is too expensive to be washing as many loads of laundry that I do weekly now and the machines here do not wash or dry particularly well. And I hate having to drag everything down to the laundry room - it is so dirty in there. I really do miss the huge, extra large capacity washer and dryer I had when I lived in my home.

So there is my day and I am tired. I am not sure if it is because I am still recovering from the flu/cold thing I had, or getting the taxes was emotionally draining or the prospect of doing laundry depresses me. But I feel drawn out and not looking forward to fixing even the simple BLT sandwiches on the menu.

I am grateful:

1. The taxes were done - not the most pleasant job to get done.
2. That I do not owe any taxes.
3. That my youngest (at least one out of the two) doesn't need any future dental work.
4. I am feeling a bit better, slowly but surely.
5. There is food for dinner, gas for the cars, electricity for the appliances.

Positivity vs. Grief - Can the two Co-exist?

It seems everything I read or hear these days is connected to the positive thinking movement. Interestingly enough, even books I've had for years mention it before The Law of Attraction band wagon took off.

Yesterday, I read that neuroscience is discovering actual proof that we can permanently change our brains through a positive mindset. Scientists are able to actually see and measure the emotional regions of our brains that process joy, happiness and love, as well as depression, mourning, anxiety, OCD, etc. Apparently, even pessimists like me can be taught to become more optimistic.

This is all pretty amazing with the main point being that our emotions and feeling do get transmitted out into the world and we do have some control over what we project. Because what we send out, comes back to us. I like the example of a bummed out, dejected person with shoulders slumped, downcast eyes and scowling smile. Obviously, anyone encountering that person will react accordingly and probably not very favorably. Likewise, someone with a genuine smile and upbeat demeanor will fare better. This person might receive better customer service at a store, have someone give them a break or bend the rules, and so on throughout the day. These experiences will build on themselves - the better they are and the more of them will increase the likelihood of upbeat person staying in a good mood. Dejected person will probably stay down and out because their experiences will be downers.

I am intrigued by all of this and I have made a valiant effort to try and remain as positive as I can through these trying times. Keeping a gratitude list is usually one of the first strategies suggested. Surrounding yourself with happy, fun, optimistic people is another. Trying to fit in as many activities that bring you joy into your life as possible is another suggestion. So I do try and do all these things in an effort to attract more positives back into my life. The jury is still out on how successful this has been.

What concerns me about the logic of this theory and the books that are out there promoting it, is that there doesn't seem to be any comprehension or acknowledgment toward those people who really may be suffering seriously from grief/loss, depression, addiction, life changes such as poverty, etc. These books and even the theory seem to fit best for those people who are leading pretty ordinary, manageable lives. One book made a brief passing comment on this by admitting that yes, no one can be upbeat and super positive 24/7 and that when times are tough they have to be acknowledged. The goal then becomes how to walk through and face the challenges, as well as to try and learn from them.

I think there needs to be a book written for those of us out here dealing with many life complications that realistically paint a complicated and negative picture. "The Law of the Attraction for Those Grieving, Suffering and Dealing with Major Loss" might be one for starters. I guess what bothers me the most is the wiping the slate clean type of attitude I get from these books and the theory itself - that we can't and shouldn't be negative EVER. That grieving and worrying are bad because they transmit toxic, negative energy that will return to us threefold! This is just at such odds with my beliefs about counseling that center on staying with your emotions whatever they are and working through them. There has to be a balance between positive and negative emotions. If we as human beings have the capacity to feel pain, grief and sorrow how can they just be wiped away? Do the proponents of The Law of Attraction believe that those of us deeply grieving have to just shut those emotions off? Or do they believe that we should not grieve as deep or much? Maybe it is impossible to follow this theory period while someone is immersed in deep sorrow or anxiety. I don't know - I really wish I could call Wayne Deyer up and ask him some of these perplexing and vexing questions.

In the meantime, I guess I'll try my best to continue to be grateful, remain positive and upbeat when I can and do my best to smile and keep my shoulders up when out and about in public.

I Am Grateful:

1. That the birds are back - I heard birds singing again for the first time yesterday!
2. That no severe winter-type weather is predicted from here on in - yeah!
3. That all of us have had decent clothes and outerwear to get through the winter months.
4. That no one got the flu this winter - thank you Universe!
5. For the cheery songs of the birds.

Madame Bovary Reopens My Eyes and World

I recently read the classic "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Falubert, published in 1857. There were a couple of reasons I chose this book as a read.

1. I reviewed the six books I read in January and noted they were all current titles including "The Shipping News," "Snow Falling on Cedars" and "The Art of Mending" by Elizabeth Berg. All of these were very good reads, by the way.

2. I had not read a classic in a while.

3. I felt my mind needed the stimulation of a more classic work.

4. In a way, I wanted to prove my intelligence and worth. I may be financially struggling right now but that does not mean I still can't be wealthy in mind and spirit.

5. I had always wanted to read this book. I didn't know much about it except that it had caused a scandal when first published.

6. It is considered one of the best books of classic fiction, ranking in at number 7 on some lists of 100.

7. It seemed like a good book for February since it involves the themes of lust, love, marriage, betrayal, sexuality, etc.

I finished the book a week after starting it and absolutely loved it. In fact, I'd say I was riveted to the pages. I enjoyed being taken back in time to rural French Normandy and reading about fashions and old time implements that no longer exist. As always, whenever I end a book written long ago, I am struck by the realization that human nature hasn't changed that much over the years. We still long for the same things - love, respect, acknowledgment and commitment. Madame Emma Bovary went on shopping sprees and hid her purchases from her husband. Her mother-in-law visited and was critical. Once she and and Emma did not speak but twice during a whole two-week period they were together. Sound familiar to certain situations people go through today?

Also touched on were the themes of grief and the fact that religion cannot explain or offer total comfort to the bereaved. Heavy stuff. At Emma's funeral, the men all advise her distraught husband to get it together and the poor man chastises himself for not being strong enough. I saw so many parallels between the two time periods even with the gap of 150 years. Sometimes I don't think we really have advanced that much as people - maybe there have been technological advances but I think the inner core of humanity has remained largely the same.

I felt let down after I read the final page not because it was over but because I didn't have someone to share my thoughts and impressions with about the book. When I was married both of my husbands and I often talked in detail about the books I was reading. And I miss that. I felt so excited that I'd tackled and gotten through a classic. I was inspired and bursting at the seams with new ideas and images in my head. All dressed up and no where to go to borrow from another saying.

It was the bittersweet way I felt while watching the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics. I have not viewed the Olympics the last few years. And I was totally blown away by the creativity demonstrated in the ceremony. From the dancing and costumes of the native Canadian inhabitants, to k.d. Lang's singing. The technical imagery of the leaves falling and the doves flying. The snow that fell indoors and the floor that magically became the ocean with whales enchanted, excited and blew me away. It made me long for more art, adventure and travel in my life which has been solely lacking the past seven years.

My husband was a seasoned traveler and had been to Canada many times. He and I only had gone to Toronto and Niagra Falls with the boys. I know had he lived, we would have returned to the country he admired and loved so much. In fact, one of the high school classes he taught was Canadian History.

The high school open house was a few weeks ago and I had my paperback copy of Madame Bovary with me. Which I should add I only paid 25 cents for at a used book sale this fall. My youngest son's English teacher saw the book and we started a conversation about it which the led to Moby Dick - another classic I have always wanted to read (but I just am not sure I want to learn that much about whaling). Anyway, it felt so nice to connect with another person about a book we'd both read and have some conversation about it.

I miss that aspect of not living with an adult partner. It will help when I can get out more and interact with others at a job. But for now I suppose I could look into seeing if there is a book club at the library. I can see about going someplace new in lieu of taking a trip. I've always believed that you don't have to go far from home to restore your spirit or soul. But it sometimes means exposing yourself to new ideas and places. Maybe part of it is stir craziness from the winter months.

When my husband was alive I made a point of trying to see all the movies nominated for Best Picture before the Oscars. He would stay at home to be with the boys and I'd take a rare night off on my own. Since his death, I've seen just two movies at the theater and less than 20 videos at home. It is probably more like a total of 10 current movies within a six-year time period. Another casualty of widowhood and the need to carpool boys with heavy sports schedules. I think back to my happiness at being able to go off on my own to see a movie while knowing that my little family was safe and sound at home waiting for my return. When I longed for some time on my own. Boy, have the tables turned!

It takes a great deal of effort to function as an only parent and devote a bit of time to oneself. Even more effort to try and maintain a degree of culture in one's life, much less keep up with the daily news. I for one, did not know there had been an airline bombing attempt on Christmas Day until some weeks later. But I think what reading Madame Bovary did for me as well as viewing the Vancouver Opening Ceremony was to show me that I need more entertainment, culture and beauty in my life. They say that reading a book opens up a whole new world. I think that has what has happened with Madame Bovary. I have a taste again of what has been lacking in my life and I want to devour more of it.

And while I'm at it, in case any of you out there have read this book. This book took five years for Flaubert to write. Do you think he specifically created characters in the book to represent certain themes? There is a terribly disfigured blind beggar that some think is supposed to represent Emma's ultimate destruction. I for one, don't think Flaubert set out to create a character to depict this but maybe I'm wrong - after all he took five long years to write this. I think authors for the most part write their story and then all the critics afterward come up with the meaning which may or may not have been there (think "The Old Man and the Sea"). But I miss being able to ask someone their thoughts on this and to discuss it.

Today I am grateful:

1. For great books that stand the test of time.
2. For art in all forms.
3. For creativity that inspires a passion within.
4. For knowing that there will always be more great books out there than I will ever have the opportunity to read.
5. For the finer things in life. I have always focused on simple pleasures but am finding that a mix of the not-so-simple isn't a bad thing. Why shouldn't I dream about visiting Vancouver someday?

Make Difficult Times Loving

I read this short interview from "O" Magazine with actress Julianna Margulies (from 11/09). This is what she said and her words are speaking to me very strongly. So I am passing them along here.

"...I say to myself at least once a day: This is just a moment; it's not the rest of your life. I say it to my niece, who's 19 and isn't sure that she wants to do with her life; when she's 30, she'll wish she had just enjoyed being 19. I tell it to my friends who are having babies. I say, "Enjoy all of it, even the stressful things, because you'll never have that time with them again." What people say is true: You SHOULD live in the present. Instead of making difficult times hard, make them loving. Knowing that this is just one moment, whatever kind of moment it is, is a more peaceful way to live."

The words that really got to me were: "Instead of making difficult times hard, make them loving." Maybe I would revise hard to harder.

My new mantra: I will try to be loving and focus on love, even through these difficult times because they are just a moment, not the rest of my life. And I so want to feel peace.

These next words appear in a little box within the text of the interview. They also speak to me.

"All moments pass quickly - the good ones as well as the bad. So enjoy all of it."

Food for thought for us all as we end a year that I know brought challenges to many and on the eve of 2010.

Pots of Loss

Sam confided yesterday that the reason he pushed for us to move so quickly was well meaning. He thought it would be easier for me to deal with all the recent losses (selling the house, moving to the apt., etc.) if he threw the relocation in there along with them. His reasoning was that I'd be able to deal with all the losses at the same time and get "over" them more quickly.

Although I understand his intention, from my personal experience and what I have read about multiple losses, I'm not sure this is how it works. I think you have to deal with each loss on its own. You can't combine a bunch of losses and deal with them all together. Each one is its own entity.

I know from my situation as well, that there is a limit to how much grief I can handle. When it exceeds that limit I shut down and simply can't take on any more. When my Mom was dying two years ago and I was supposed to be packing up and selling my home and moving out of state, the only issue I could focus on was my Mom. I also realized I absolutely did not possess the strength to deal with my Mom's death and then handle the issues relating to the relocation. It was too much for me. I know Husband #2 did not understand this and it was part of what led to the divorce.

This current situation seems so much a repeat of what happened two years ago. I have just "lost" my home and moved into an apartment. The place isn't even unpacked. We never had a moment to settle in or process this life changing event. And then overnight I was forced to make decisions relating to another out-of-state relocation. I feel there wasn't adequate time for me to even gain some clarity or perspective before being thrust into this new whilwind.

One of my girlfriends commented the other day that people have to move all the time for jobs and family issues. She made it sound so matter-of-fact. But timing and circumstances do figure in there too. In the recent past I have had to face a very painful divorce, the sale and move from our home, finding and moving into a small apartment, fitting all the overflow of household goods and possessions into storage units and then taking a time intensive Nursing Assistant Program because of job necessity. Maybe for other people this wouldn't be too much, but it is for me. And it is also partly because I've had to face those issues on my own while trying to figure out what is best for my sons.

Sam described me as falling apart at the seams and being a wreck. I found the description very painful to hear. He said he wants to make life easier for me but it seems as though since the move I am more despondent and unhappy. That's grief for you. You are despondent. He thinks the boys have fed off my grief which can very well be true but the reality is that my depression has been so linked into their grief. Kind of like which came first - my grief over them having to move or theirs. But it doesn't really matter which came first anyway - it is all so interconnected. All of us are having difficulty with this. Sam thinks I should buck up and demonstrate strength for the boys - no more sleeping in during the day or crying. I don't relate this to bash him - it is how he feels. I've tried to explain that grief is very powerful and cannot be so easily batted away. I see his point about trying to be there more for the boys but that doesn't mean I can will my own grief away.

I have certainly learned through all of this that we can't push grief away and expect to heal. It is walking through it, crying, hurting and even vomiting from the grief that gets us out of the basement level of pain. So for those of us with more on our plates that also means having a longer go at the process. We'll be taking those steps out of the basement at a slower pace. Or maybe we'll stop a moment to sit on the steps awhile before making the effort to go back up.

I don't believe you can lump all your losses together to make the load easier or faster to get through. Multi-tasking may work in real life but not with grief. Each loss has to be grieved on its own. I think you have to concentrate on one to experience it fully. If you try to grieve everything all at once it just becomes muddled and unclear as to what you're exactly grieving. About grief overload - too much is too much. Being a wreck and appearing as though we're falling apart at the seams is an indication that it has all become too much. It would be nice to have the ability to take a break from life's current problems to have the time to devote to the past. It would be ideal if that could be the case. As for the times when life keeps piling up the challenges, I'm not sure what the solution is. What is the strategy for grieving at the same time you are living and facing difficult circumstances?

I suppose one answer would be to deal with what is most pressing at hand and having the strength and sense to put aside the other matters for a short while. Then returning to them when life has been restored to a more even level. What I have learned is that trying to handle too much grief all at once is futile. In doing that you run the risk of tuning out and avoidance, as well as feeling insane. Losses are very profound and each has such an individual meaning and significance for us. There is a certain level of honoring our losses that I have come to recognize as necessary. They can't be lumped together like a blob of clay. Each loss has to be formed and then put into the kiln and fired. For now, I will concentrate on this new move and put some of the other losses on the shelf to fire in the kiln later. They'll still be there, safe and sound. Let me tell you, they aren't going anywhere! But right now all my focus, strength and energy is needed to mold the pot determining where the boys will end up at school.

Corn Pudding

In my old life before widowhood, I was one of those over-involved PTA moms. I worked part-time and spent at least 10 hours at the grade school my boys attended weekly. I worked in the library one afternoon, assisted in the classroom another, tutored reading, collated, stapled and distributed the weekly newsletter, headed the monthly food drive as well as other committees (Yearbook, Health & Safety, Fun Fair, etc.). At the holidays I coordinated the room parties and made goodie bags for all the kids. I baked my share of treats for various events (cake walk), gave the teachers generous presents and was a very visible face always willing to give a helping hand.

Flash forward to the present. My Certified Nursing Assistant Program ends this week and a party with the 32 students was planned. We were all supposed to bring a dish for a pot luck lunch. My heart wasn't in making anything. Things are just too crazy right now. I thought about picking up a nice platter of holiday cookies or brownies. But in the end tried to come up with a dish that would be very simple and quick to make. I decided on corn pudding because I associate corn with Thanksgiving and I love the dish. My huge cookbook collection never got unpacked so I went online to see what I could come up with. I found the Jiffy Corn Bread recipe for Corn Casserole and went with it because it doesn't get much simpler than that.

Jiffy Corn Casserole

1 can whole kernel corn undrained
1 can creamed style corn
1 stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. sugar
8 oz. sour cream
Small box of Jiffy Corn Meal Muffin Mix

Mix all ingredients together. Pour in slightly greased pan or pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

I got up today at 5:00 a.m. to make this dish before class. Sadly, it was not a hit at the party. The spread, however, was wonderful since we have a group of such diversity. Many prepared dishes from their native lands. Everyone went around wanting the rest of us to try their dishes. I know many of the other students have only been in our country a short while and are struggling financially. But they really cooked enough to feed an army as they used to say. I enjoyed potato salad from Peru, grape leaves, chicken kabobs, cheese blintzes from Ukraine, egg rolls, fried rice, pot stickers, ham, salad, pizza. It was a feast and I even went back for seconds as most of us did. I was so glad I made my lowly corn casserole (or pudding as we always called it at my house) because it was a contribution. Anyway, now I am eating it for my dinner and I have to say it is pretty tasty. I should have made more of an effort to get the others to try a taste.

I also realized after having such a great time at this little party, how much I have been missing small pleasures in my life. Widowhood can be isolating and now that I am getting back into the work force, I'll have an opportunity to increase my social network. I also need to make more of an effort to get out or do more for myself. The past months have been difficult and this was a break in the storm clouds. It has never taken much to please me - I'm not a diamond ring kind of gal - for me it is all about simple pleasures. Good food, some wine, intelligent conversation and interesting friends. I needed this party in my life right now - it revived me - it was fun - I forgot about my troubles for a bit and had a good time.

My sons got a big laugh when I came home and told them no one had eaten my dish. Gone are the days when I could and would go overboard with baking, cooking, volunteering and so on. But I am glad I was able to compromise and find a balance in being able to do something, rather than nothing. I found an inexpensive and easy dish to prepare - I made the effort - I was part of the team.

More balancing - our clinical instructor told us on Sunday that we need to bring some sort of breakfast to the last class next Sunday to thank the nurses and CNAs who have worked with us. I have to say that I was a little put off by this - I always think such actions need to be presented as voluntary and not dictated. The student organizing this asked to collect $3.50 from the 10 of us. I thought about this and felt the amount was too much to ask for donuts and coffee so I gave what was affordable to me, $2.00. In the old days, BHD (Before Husband's Death) I would have just gone with the flow and put in the $3.50. But I'm not the same person I was, nor am I in the same position. And it felt good to do something on my terms for a change.

When it Rains it Pours

I find weeks like the one I've just survived, challenging for me. I think the widowhood component really plays a hand in it all. Juggling too many things, physically and emotionally tired, not getting enough sleep, "only" parenting, worrying on top of everything.

Last Sunday I spent the day at the storage shed and dropped a heavy box on my right foot. I've been in significant pain since and have had to wear a slipper, as my foot and toes are swollen and terribly bruised. I went to the doctor who wanted me to get an x-ray but the week has been so crazy I've skipped that. I started my Certified Nursing Training, with classes meeting an hour away Tue., Wed. and Thur. during the day. Then on Tue. night my oldest had a band concert. I drove my son's drum set to guyfriend's house because it took up so much space in the storage shed. That took two trips (two evenings since he lives an hour and 15 minutes away). In my free time I read the text book and studied for an exam. And I met with my attorney to discuss the option of filing for bankruptcy and I delivered various tax and financial documents. As if all this wasn't enough, I had to give the apt. a good cleaning because they were doing a maintenance check on Wed. and would come in while I was in class - I hate that - not being home when someone will be there! But wait there's more! The "Service Engine Soon" light keeps popping up on and off when I drive my car, so just something else to toss on the plate to worry about.

But the real kicker was helping guyfriend move 4 hours out-of-state. We did it ourselves (to save money) starting on Friday morning. Packed up his entire little house and carried all his furniture in the rain to the truck. His home is actually smaller than my apartment and it was a good thing that he was kind of living like a bachelor. As in a lot of divorces, his ex kept everything and he just picked up used furniture and such at garage sales (except for the electronics and computers which are all new, big and hard to carry). We unloaded the beds and put together the king size one so we could sleep on it Friday night. Again, it was raining and cold (there were even snow flurries mixed in with the rain). The 4 hour drive took 5 hours because we had to drive through rain and wind.

The next morning we quickly finished unloading the truck. Although it was cold, the sun was out. Guyfriend rented a nice and cozy one-level home with a finished basement (3 bedrooms). The landlords are a delighful older couple and the woman hugged me upon meeting me. The neighborhood is modest but very well-kept and cute. The high school is two blocks away. Guyfriend's new job is 5 minutes away.

I was a bit resentful helping guyfriend with his move because I felt that he had kind of wimped out in helping me with mine and believe me, my move was pretty major - I've got stuff in 3 storage sheds that I'm trying to consolidate and it took the movers 2 days to complete! Talk about stressful and exhausting! I talked to guyfrind about this, also telling him that I was giving up the only two days I had off to work in the storage sheds to assist him. It didn't help that I had a bum toe and foot either. Then because it was Halloween the boys had a lot of activites scheduled and I insisted they find friends to sleep over at since I'd be out of town on Friday night. But that was just another aspect of the scheduling logistics needed. I suppose some of my resentment also stems from the fact that when I help someone like this it is at a cost to myself and my family. Two days away from the homefront and things start to fall apart. Guyfriend doesn't have to make arrangements for his son or to worry about him while he is away - just another piece of the widowhood puzzle that rears its ugly head, especially when I'm interacting with someone who doesn't face the same parenting challenges.

Guyfriend's training schedule necessitated that he make this move so quickly. He also wanted his home empty for the new renters he hopes to get for his place. He needed to fly out for training in Detroit today where he'll be for a week. He comes back next Sunday but flies out again for another week in Detroit after a week at this home base. It was just all so rushed and crazy. But we got it done - and we talked through my resentment and he listened and heard me and acknowledged me. We also talked about my moving to be with him and get married but he accepted that it is a hard situation for me. He told me he hopes I will do so because we make a "good couple" and we will have a good life together. I will always be welcome in his home, even if I can't move right away. He is not going to force or try to pressure me, which is exactly the opposite of how Husband #2 reacted.

We were a good team together this weekend. We get along so well and even when I am terribly upset, we work out the issue. Despite the hard, physical labor of moving, we had fun together and as always I enjoy just being in his company. I got home Saturday night and picked up my youngest from a Halloween party around 10. I was so beat and drained. It was fortunate that the time was put back and I could gain an hour of sleep because I had to be at my clinical this morning at 7 a.m. and only got about 5 hours of sleep. My foot is still swollen so I had to wear a different shoe to the clinical and I feared I'd have to cancel and make it up. But I got through it and am so glad my first week of class is over - just 4 to go! I feel a sense of accomplishment for all that I achieved this week. After I got home this afternoon I put in 3 hours at the storage shed and have finally made a dent and enough space so I can start transferring things from one of the other sheds tomorrow.

I still have to figure out what we are going to do about moving with the boys. I talked with them today and both want to complete high school here. I pointed out that we will still be financially strained here but the social aspects and potential scholarships their coaches are pursuing for them seem to be the great draw. Guyfriend told me if we stay, he can have "visitation" with me every other weekend.

Right now I am tired again and going to bed early to try and make up some sleep. I am sore and I miss guyfriend. He is now 4 hours away and that is pretty far.

Small Graces

The cake decorated like a monster was the first one chosen at yesterday's Cross Country "Cake Run." So what does that signify?

1. I know how to pick a nice cake.
2. My son had a nice cake to give away (he didn't have to be embarrassed).
3. My efforts at getting the cake show that I care for my son and want him to have positive experiences.
4. We still have the means to be able to afford a non-essential extra like this.
5. It is possible to not have to bake your own items for these kinds of things. I gave up the guilt over that soon after my husband died.
6. It is sometimes the little things that matter most. Getting the game system the boys want is important and I wish I could afford to get it right now. But little feats add up and count too.
7. That a cake can save the day!
8. That even in the middle of adversity, little things like cakes and "Cake Runs" are important. You can't cut out all extras.

I want to believe that it is the small graces that end up meaning the most of all.