Sunday, April 29, 2012

Spring Update

So here is an update on the past few weeks. Speaking of updates, I notice that since I've been gone, there have been some to Blogger. Change is hard for me, especially computer-related ones. So I'm a bit down about losing what has been familiar to me for a number of years. But I do get that change is good and out with the old, in with the new and all that too. But anyway...:

Survived taxes. Have never completed a return on my own EVER! But due to lack of funds to pay H&R Block this year had to buckle down and complete six! Three Federal (the boys and I) and three State. It was a scary and tough ordeal. On Friday the 13th, received tax info. in the mail that required me to basically redo the returns. And end up paying taxes along with the boys. Unexpected and nerve racking. All in all it took me about a week and eight trips to two libraries for forms. My youngest did make a point of telling me that he was impressed with my ability to face the job. And in the end, I have to say that I learned a lot. But I will gladly hand back the job to H&R Block next year. I can see why they are in business. Doing the taxes on your own can be confusing and I'm worried of errors.

Survived Prom with my youngest. Survived my oldest needing money to pay off some of his college balance so he could register for next year's classes. Survived a lot of medical visits and consultations, physical therapy and MRI with my youngest concerning an internal left shoulder tear. Surgery has now been recommended.

My youngest has only a few weeks left of school before graduation. He has basically checked out of high school and can't wait for college to begin. But we still have to work out the surgery...

Sitting in the physical therapist's waiting room I overhear the secretary make reminder appointment calls. I get a pang hearing that most of the calls involve someone on the other end taking a message and assisting the patient. Most of the people coming into the office are with someone to assist them as well. Especially the older people. I miss not having someone to lean on and am just very, very tired. I think it is a reflection of where I am in this journey. Getting the younger son out of high school and off to college. It has been a long road. It has been more difficult than easy. It has been lonely and challenging.

I want to whoop it up and celebrate. But I still am facing moving and finding a new place to live. Also, need to seek employment once I'm settled. And try to make a new life for myself with both boys away at college. It is a period of adjustment and change. As if there hasn't been enough of that already over the past years!

I'm trying to listen to my inner soul and being. What it is telling me now is to take a big long rest and vacation as soon as I have the means to do so. And to laugh and smile more while worrying and frowning less. Not there yet.

Having reached this point of my journey I have a new respect for myself. I kind of don't care what anyone thinks about me or my flaws or decisions I've made over the past years. Raising two young boys to adulthood along with all the other challenges that have presented themselves over the years on my own is an accomplishment and I should be holding my head up high. There is no one waiting for me at home when I return from the doctor's office - or to take a message to remind me of an appointment. I don't totally buy into the belief that doing things on one's own leads to strength and power. Yes, of course, some. But on the other hand, it also leads to exhaustion and severe stress. Let's not forget that.

At the post prom party old photos of all the Seniors were up on the walls including Kindergarten and 5th grade photos. Seeing my son's 5th grade photo, I was struck by the realization that when that photo had been taken, his dad had been deceased almost a year. That hit a nerve with me. That he was nine when his dad died and will turn 18 in a few weeks. Nine years that I've been sole nurturer, parent, care taker, bread winner, role model, disciplinarian. No wonder I need that vacation STAT!!! And I'm not afraid to admit that either!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Where is the Forest?

Having trouble seeing the forest through the trees right now. Didn't mean to worry anyone. Thank you for all of your kind and caring concern.

I'm just really, really tired - emotionally exhausted and drained. Like everything from the past years has all caught up with me. It is hard to explain. People don't seem to understand and I don't want to post negativity. Really, I've reached the point where I want to put a lot of my past behind and focus on the future.

But times are a bit rough right now. Trying to stay on the path and plug on through. In actuality, only have about a month and a half until relocating/moving.

I'll try to convey what is inside me - maybe others have been there. I think some of it has to do with long-term widowhood. The nitty-gritty of having to always face the little normal aspects of life alone. And then having to face the more turbulent aspects of life also alone.

Worrying about tax filings, paying the rent, keeping the cars running and maintained, washing the laundry, signing field trip permission forms, cooking, cleaning, managing the other bills including college fees...

The other night my youngest woke me up for comfort after a nightmare. Then my oldest frequently calls me from college for advice or support. I'm happy to be there for my boys but at the same time there is a part of me that longs for a supportive adult to comfort me after one of my frequent nightmares.

My youngest is facing shoulder surgery and a part of me kind of crumbled with this development. Dealing with insurance, physical therapy, doctor referrals, etc. on my own, yet again. I worry about making a wrong decision and not having someone to consult with on a personal level. That is what I mean about the emotional tiredness.

Since being widowed the merry-go-round has just never ceased. And for whatever reason I've reached a point where the endless spinning around has made me dizzier than usual.

In terms of posting about all this I've figured what is the point? It is what it is. Right now I'm just a bit low and drained and hopefully life will swing up again and I'll feel more alive.

There is also a part of me that feels horrible about my being so emotionally drained - and I suppose tired of the 10 or so years I've been only parenting. I think about the Octo Mom with 14 little ones and here I'm having trouble or complaining?

But again it is what it is. I'm feeling what I feel and dealing with life as I'm experiencing it. For a long time I thought that the worst part of widowhood was going to all those school events on my lonesome. I want to change that now to the worst part being handling EVERYTHING on one's own for year after long year. For me personally, I do better as a team player and don't enjoy all this solo flying.

So now all of the bad stuff is out and hopefully life will become more stable with a clearer picture of the forest and the trees.