Hoping For More Sun

Photo Caption: "Trying to still see a glimmer of sun."

I am providing an update here because I don't want to leave anyone who is following in the dark. I still hope that my words and experiences have some value being put out there, even though my life has been difficult since widowhood. I took a gamble to try and make it through another year in the area even though I knew it would be very hard and maybe even impossible financially. But I gambled so my son could finish out his senior high school year. I did try and find a family for him to stay with here while I moved last summer and fall. But that option just didn't fully materialize. To now look back and try to punish myself by saying I should have done things differently isn't helpful and adds to my misery. I continue to believe as I always passionately have, that people make the best decisions they can at the time, based on their experiences and the choices at hand.

When you are living life to the barest bone, one unexpected or unplanned event can just send you to your knees. The saying that people are only one paycheck away from disaster is true and probably now more true in this unstable economy.

The past week has been emotionally trying. I know myself. When the situation calls for helping others I am able to rise to the occassion. But when I need to pick myself up, I don't do such a good job. I tend to be immobile and shocked into inactivity when I am under extreme stress and worry. I am not able to focus. I dwell on the negatives and am plunged into this pit of dark thoughts, hopelessness and despair. Whereas some faced with hardship propel themselves into a whirlwind of activity, I am not even able to hold a crochet hook in my hand. I become this zombie like creature.

After existing in this state the later part of the week, on Sunday I broke down and called my girlfriend asking her if we could meet for tea or a walk. She scolded me for not calling her immediately when I lost my job and felt I needed two glasses of wine, her treat - forget the tea. She was kind to me, which is what I really think we most need when we're facing difficulties. She told me that in her opinion, I HAD made it and gotten my sons through high school. And she reminded me that as long as she has known me, since my oldest was five, that I have always reached out and helped others. When you're down and out, it is good to hear positives about youself because right now I sure am not seeing myself in a good light. And we need to be reminded of the complete person we are. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. Living through a bad situation doesn't reduce us only to our less desirable characteristics.

I took this personality quiz recently that figured out one's life strengths. I was a little surprised to see that my top strength was seeing and seeking out life's beauty. Now I am not an optimistic person and since childhood have seen the glass half-empty. But I guess seeking out beauty is something different. And since childhood I have always looked for beauty - every day. In puddles in the parking lot, in a store window display, in the cut or color of a woman's coat. Whenever I am out and about in the world, I take pictures with my phone and those photos have included puddles, window displays, clothing and the sun on a recent walk peeking out from the trees. I open a JJill clothing catalog and the photo arrangement of a set of sweaters, highlighting the rainbow of colors, captivates me. I find beauty in the the ordinary and it surrounds me even now. So that is what I am going to try and focus on - my strengths - the little things that do serve to empower me. Be they written words in a novel, the touch and feel of a hank of pure wool yarn or the surprises that greet one taking a late-winter walk as the sun sets and snow melts.

The Comfort of Fall

This year I seem more attuned to the approaching Fall season. We have been so blessed the past few days with cooler, Fall-like weather. Here, there is just a hint of the changing season in the air. The tops of some trees are starting to turn. I'd have to say that this is the part of Fall I most love, before it gets full-blown in October. Once the leaves really turn, one heavy rain is all it takes for it to be over. Now I have the chance to really savor this wondrous season.

I love seeing all the advertising and signs in the stores welcoming this time of year. The food choices including apples. I've already tried the new caramel apple sundaes at both McDonald's and Wendy's. Small, simple pleasures to help take the edge away from the worry I feel every day over getting through the next year financially. Now that my son is in college, I have to add some college expenses to the budget and they have turned out higher than originally expected.

Over the years, I have come to realize that for me, one of the surefire ways to ease my anxiety and misery is through nature. A walk in the woods especially. My soul longs for a rural existence and it is where I am relocating when this year is completed for my son in high school.

Each season brings its own comforts, but as the Starbuck's ad relates, Fall is perhaps most special. "Indulge in the comforts of Fall," the ad directs. Makes sense to me. Bring on that pumpkin latte. I am drinking spiced apple tea in the mornings and baked a batch of my Awesome Apple Bread. I gave a loaf to my girlfriend along with a cute apple potholder I knit. My friend liked the potholder so much, she told me she is going to frame it!

The summer was so hot I only went walking in my little hidden forest a few times. Now I can start walking every day again. That will give me great pleasure. I saw my first Halloween outdoor decorations today. A flock of witches in a circle in a yard. This year I will try and focus on these displays with lightness and laughter. Anything to help me stay sane and grounded as we move through this year. I feel on my last legs emotionally and financially. I asked for more hours at work and will have to go out looking for another job next week. Illinois has the highest unemployment rate in the country along with the highest gas prices (Chicago area). Yet my apartment rent just went up $100.00!

The comforts of Fall. More than ever I will use the beauty and hope nature inspires to give me courage and strength. It is free (except for the pumpkin lattes) and abundant. I'm not sure I can say that over the next month I'll be happy (too much stress and strain for that). But I can try and be cheerful despite the hardships. And by making a concerted effort to focus on nature, maybe I can be distracted and propelled on to the beauty of the holiday season.

Getting though one day at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time.

Happy 4th of July!

This photo was taken on one of my antiquing trips out into the countryside. I stop and take photos of anything that catches my eye. What a cool sculpture!

My boys are in Lake Geneva, which is a lovely resort town on the Illinois/Wisconsin line with their older brother and his wife, whose family has a lakehouse there. Lucky them! They went tubing this a.m. and will be boating. I will soon go out to my girlfriend's annual July 4th BBQ. She has had it for years and I am fortunate to have a place to relax, eat tasty food and celebrate.

There will be grilled chicken, burgers, hot dogs, brats, various chips and fruit salad. I am contributing potato salad, baked beans, coleslaw, cheery and blueberry cobblers with ice cream. AND there will be enough leftovers for when the boys get home!

I hope everyone reading has good food to eat and a chance to put your feet up and relax. Hopefully, you'll spend some time with friends and/or family. Really, in the end, this is what truly matters - food. family/friends, and the opportunity to enjoy some downtime after putting in a rewarding week of work be it at home or after punching a time clock. Fancy things come way down on the list.

Gourmet

In these times of economic hardship and worry, I have come to believe that every once in awhile we need to go for that gourmet treat be it a $1.99 cupcake or $6.00 glass of premium wine. Savor these splurges because we are worth being treated with TLC, especially when our moods and/or pocket books are at their most depleted.

Spring Yarn

There is a fragrance by Clinique called "Happy" and indeed, when you smell it, the scent is about as close to what I would describe as happiness in a bottle. Also, a fragrance called "Red," and again, if there is a way to bottle the smell of a color, this one sure does fit. I wear it every February as it is more of a winter fragrance in my opinion.

I came across an inexpensive bulky skein of yarn from the Deborah Norville line at JoAnn Fabrics. I believe it was on sale and was only $3.00 or so. The color was called "Spring" and seeing and touching the candy cane/Easter egg hues made me immediately think of spring. So I got a couple skeins and started playing around with different patterns to make a spring inspired scarf.

The pattern I settled on if from the book "One Skein Wonders," called "Jan's Sensational Scarf." It can be worked in virtually any yarn on size 15 needles. The pattern is K1, "K1, Yarn Over, Knit Two Together," K1, repeating the center section. The scarf in the photo was made with 14 stitches. I whipped it up in a little over an hour and wore it to Knit Club. Then at the club I started a more narrow one to give to my sister with just 11 stitches. Almost got it finished last night. I got a lot of compliments on the yarn and the scarf last night. I must say it is nice to hear kind words of any sort.

I look forward to finishing the scarf tonight and sending it to my sister tomorrow after work. This is to replace the winter cowl I made her for winter wear and which she has received many compliments on. When times get tough or my mood gets low, I need to remember the power I have to spread cheer and hope. Even in the worst of times I can dig up a couple dollars or root through my yarn stash and create an item that cuts through the gloom and late spring snow and cold. When I wore the scarf yesterday evening, there was a sense of pride at having created my own accessory and the fun of having done so with such an aptly inspired yarn for this time of year, when everyone's mood is craving brighter colors, lighter clothing, plants/flowers and sunnier skies.

"Gleet" Expectations

Great day Sat. We all went downstate for my oldest son's first show choir competition. The group placed first in their division and my youngest and I shared some quality private time. The competition was held near my old university so my youngest and I visited the campus and I got the boys some t-shirts. The show choir had lunch at the famous college eatery known for their bread and subs. My youngest and I got lunch there too and even took some bread home, which is the tradition of alumni when visiting.

The show choir was gone from 5:00 a.m. and didn't get home until 3:00 a.m. because the charter bus got stuck in a snowbank. My youngest and I only stayed for the first performance. On the way home, we stopped at an antique mall which was a real treat for me since I haven't gone to one in so long.

My youngest shared a lot with me about how hard it has been for him to follow in his brother's footsteps. He told me that he wants to forge his own identity but at school everyone expects him to be like his brother, etc. The teachers constantly compare the two. I gained a much better understanding of my youngest son's feelings and perspective.

He had me in stitches with his commentary on the show choir performance. One of the things he admitted was that he doesn't think the group is all that good. But then he clarified that by stating that perhaps watching the Fox show "Glee" has ruined it for him (and maybe others) because he expects my son's group to sound like the Glee group. I laughed and told my son that the Glee kids are professional actors and older, which he knows anyway. But I found his observation very funny and told him I'd include it in my blog. I asked him what I could title this post and it was his suggestion with the creative play-on-words "Gleet" Expectations.

Driving around downstate Illinois with my little family together, visiting my old college campus, spending time with my youngest, watching a quality musical performance that resulted in 1st place, having a great lunch and then to top it off, visiting an antique mall! It was a good day and I felt happy! There seem to be more days now that are happier rather than sad, and I feel a page has turned in my life and the wheels are finally spinning forward!

Ode to a Purse

After three years of making due with whatever has already been in my closet, I ended that period of deprivation with a purchase of a much needed purse today. A $12.00 purse from Family Dollar, no less. But I have wanted it since seeing it in the fall. And it is making me very pleased and happy. I love the plum color as I usually carry green bags. Purple/amethyst is supposed to represent plenty and financial prosperity and I can use all the good luck now whether superstition or not.

And that brings me to having to say goodbye to my present bag. I was lucky to find it in the closet this spring, still with its tag on, a BOGO from Payless some years ago. I ended up loving this bag - the bright green color that cheered me, the large size big enough to carry a paperback, knitting project and small lunch if need be. So although I usually change my bag in fall to one in an autumn color, this year partly because lack of funds and because I loved the bag so much, I just kept using it. And still kept using it up until now when I like to change bags to fit the winter season - a more muted color tone.

I hate to say goodbye to this purse that I would probably have never even used if I hadn't had to go digging for one since I couldn't afford a new one last spring. It is showing signs of wear and I think when items become shabby it is time to retire them. This bag will go down as one of my all time favorites. It served me well and gave me a lot of enjoyment every time I carried it and even looked at it.

I am not into designer handbags but a few years ago did fall in love with an orange leather satchel from Talbots that was almost $200.00. I thought about waiting to purchase it when it went on sale but never got around to it. Funny, how an inexpensive item can bring so much enjoyment and be practical and useful at the same time. This $20.00 bag from Payless I am sure ended up bringing me even greater pleasure than that over priced Talbot's bag.

I like my new plum bag too even though it is not leather - like that it is from Family Dollar and only $12.00. I don't think I'll end up "loving" it but it is nice to have a new bag and to retire one that has served its purpose but is now past its time.

I have come to appreciate the deals found at stores like Family Dollar. I have a new bag that didn't break the bank, looks good and pleases me because I've treated myself to something new, as well as needed.

Goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to things we love and let new things in even if they are unfamiliar and different.

Small Surprising Graces

Yesterday I went to the knit club and had another great evening. The top photo is a crochet pattern from Annie's Attic I am starting work on. I am going to make it into a picture instead of a pillow to frame and place in my kitchen (I collect bird houses and love birds). I sat with two members at the club and got into an extensive conversation about the need for having a job one feels passionate about. I am so glad to have been connected with this group. I also met a woman at work (a customer) who came in and in talking together learned she was widowed, then divorced after remarriage in part, due to problems between her new husband and her two teen sons. We exchanged phone numbers after we also found out that we both collect the exact same type of vintage glassware. I'm not sure how much contact we'll have since she lives an hour away but it was good for me to meet another remarried widow my age who got divorced - sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out there.

After work today, I had a few minutes of spare time before picking up my oldest from school and stopped at the Barnes and Nobel for another browse, thinking maybe I had missed the desktop calendars. Lo and behold there was an entire table of them! I had three kinds I liked to choose from! When I checked out I mentioned that I must be going batty because I'd just been there Monday and there were no desktop calendars to speak of. Luckily, my sanity is preserved because I was told they had recently opened up some stock in left over boxes in the back which is why they were now out and hadn't been out on Monday. So I get to return the cherry design! Yeah! I don't need to win the lotto to be happy - just let me have a cute calendar to carry throughout the year!

Then, when I picked up my son, he told me that this afternoon he was chosen to represent the school in the athletic conference as a student adviser in volleyball. Each school in the conference picks one student in each sport. It seems to be a pretty big honor. Another notch on his college resume/application. He also told me that he has finished the music composition for the band and his instructor has told him it will be played at the final band concert with my son conducting. For the last three years I have been attending the senior farewell band concert and hearing the student composition played at the end. I never thought that maybe in his senior year it would be my son conducting that piece. I have shed a tear in the other concerts - oh my gosh, even the band director cries so how in the world will I not be sobbing this year as my son leads the band in performing his own piece?

I realize now that it was the right decision for my sons to finish high school here and not move with Sam out of state. My oldest would not be volleyball captain or have received this recent honor as Sam's state doesn't have boy's volleyball in high school. Nor would my son have won the school talent show or the one in our community. This was the best decision for our family (maybe not all families) and I am grateful that today I was shown that the hardship we have endured has been worth it in the end.

I am also grateful for the other small graces that surprise me throughout the day. Meeting a woman facing similar experiences, finding the perfect calendar after giving up and having to settle for one and then spying a funny little frog in a planter picking up dollar tacos for the boys (I deal with leftovers).

Small surprise graces to get us through the dark days of winter and propel us onward with more hope.

Tea and Calendars

Remember the good old days when the only tea you could buy was Lipton? When I was a kid, my Mom hung a linen calendar towel on the door leading to the basement and we used the calendar with nature scenes from Rexall Drug that we got free and the little paper date books from the Hallmark store to carry in our purses. Anyone recall those?

Today there are 100s of teas out there to choose from and 1000s of calendars. I always laugh when they put the calendars out in the stores in October but this year I'm not laughing. I usually am able to get my calendars after the holidays for half price in January but this year on January third when I went out, the stock was pretty depleted. I had to go to a number of stores and bookstores before finding my daily knitting and crochet pattern calendars. And there were really no day books, which I carry in my purse and rely on all year to chose from. I ended up with the only one besides the Sierrra nature calendar or ugly black leather ones, with cherries on the cover. Usually I get brightly colored floral designs or ones with birds and feel sad I had to settle for the cherries. Next year, I am going to buy all my calendars in October and then will not have to worry about not finding them and being disappointed.

Picking out a calendar is one of the rituals I have come to enjoy about the new year. I am thinking that maybe this year there were fewer left because more people were out shopping and spending and also that calendars make inexpensive gifts. There has never been such a lack of selection.

Then there is the tea. I love Joy tea by TAZO and it is only sold at the holidays and Starbucks. Last year we were so poor I didn't even consider getting any but two years ago went on a wild goose chase for some because I'd waited too long to pick up a box. And I never found any. It was sold out. This year I luckily found a large supply at the second Starbucks I hit and I am so happy at the great pleasure that find brought me as I am only a tea drinker, no coffee.

Such small pleasures, tea and calendars. And also what turmoil they can bring from there being too many to select from. This never would be an issue in my childhood. Not another task to cross off one's list (buy cute calendars with cover designs that speak to you - don't forget to pick up box of special tea that only comes out for one month a year). There is also the added issue of always having to settle because of our reduced circumstances. Before widowhood when there weren't financial problems I bought my calendars in October. But with money being tight, I've waited to the last possible moment and then had a hard time finding the ones I want. I suppose I could go with a cheap dollar store version, but the $21.00 I spent on the three calendars I got seems a fair price to pay for accessories most of use daily and take for granted anyway. Calendars and date books are pretty essential to our busy lives, especially with kids' schedules to keep track of.

And now I am going to brew a cup of Joy tea and delight in the joy it brings my senses. It's been two years since I've had a box and the pleasure is that much sweeter! And maybe, I will pick up a second box to make up for the two years I went without. But just maybe - I find that I have become extremely frugal. Not such a bad thing for this former shopaholic (before widowhood).

Apples, Leaves and Fall

As difficult and trying as life is and can be, I tell you, it just isn't a total loss when there are Taffy Apples for sale again, and brownies in the adorable shape of footballs (Little Debbie Snack Cakes).

The reason I am so rejuvenated after my nature walks is because I can see the miracle of nature around me. There is something bigger than me, a plan in place that goes far beyond my trivial problems (trivial to the world, not so much for me). But anyway, you get the idea. I am just a little cog in the sphere and space of the Universe. This is what I comprehend when I see a perfectly shaped red leaf float down from a tree and land at my feet.

There is a saying that no matter what life throws at you, you can always bake a cake. I'm not so much of a cake baker but I do love to bake bread, muffins and cookies. So we have had a nice sampling of apple, pear and pumpkin breads of late.

I continue to struggle facing up to all the changes that are necessary for me to go on from here to rebuild my life from the bottom up. I wish it were easier. Sometimes I still feel like giving up and packing it all in. But then I think about apple cider and putting together a German fest feast for the fun of it. And I realize there is still a lot worth living for - the little, unexpected pleasures that are part of our lives and oftentimes go unnoticed or taken for granted. It is focusing on those little joys and holding on to them with all our might when so much of the rest of the world rages turbulently around us.

Discount Shoes and Discounted Groceries

Yesterday was pay day - both with the pension check and my pay from the nursing home. My youngest asked for a new pair of shoes for the summer. He had seen a pair of canvas slip-ons for $20.00 at Payless when he was out with friends. I took him there after school. They had a buy-one-get-one-half-off sale and I suggested he also pick out a pair of sandals and he did (cost us another $10.00).

I felt so sad and yet strangely happy at the same time during the shoe store excursion. Sad that my son is only getting a $20.00 pair of shoes, from a discount shoe store no less. But then happy that he was so grateful and pleased with the shoes and that he got a bonus pair besides.

After our shopping (which with boys is pretty much in and out quickly), I dropped him off and went to the store for something for dinner. My oldest complained when I told him we were having turkey hot dogs. He said he'd eaten hot dogs all weekend, whenever he'd gone to one of his friend's houses - all the dads were grilling!

So, I hit the store I frequent to see if there was anything on sale that I could prepare as an alternative. As I've mentioned in other posts, this store sells meat and dairy products for half price when they are at the expiration code. Yesterday, they had some gourmet skillet meals (chicken and pasta) for just $3.00 and I picked up two for the boys because they looked especially hungry. They were excited having just gotten their practice football equipment for summer camp.

I came home and made the pasta along with bagged salad (99 cents from ALDI) and while I was cooking gave the boys French bread with artichoke/cheese spread. It was such a nice meal and I felt proud of myself for being able to feed the boys until they were full and do it on such a limited budget.

The boys wanted to watch "America's Got Talent," which we have never followed. While they were watching I served them strawberry shortcake, the ingredients I'd picked up to have over the holiday weekend. But I never made it because the boys were never home - busy with friends, marching in the parade, plus I worked this weekend. Just seeing the boys scarf down their meals with appreciation meant a lot to me. To give them a little extra with the bread and spread, to have dessert.

I felt good as a mom - that despite the financial hardships, there are glimmers of hope in a new pair of inexpensive shoes and a filling meal. I don't often feel this way, like I'm doing an adequate job since we always seem so lacking. But I did feel a sense of pride in my abilities to stretch out a dollar and again am reminded of how in the end, happiness doesn't come from the amount that is spent. I was able to provide for the boys beyond the mere basics - stomachs and hearts were content as we watched t.v. together as a family.

Flowers

It was prom weekend for my oldest. A tough one for me because along with having to pay H & R Block, there were the expenses for tux rental, flowers, hair cut, gas, after prom party, etc. I was stressing a bit about that because the finances were really strained this month. But at the same time I wanted this to be special for my son so I couldn't freak out too much.

The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.

I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.

It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.

Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.

Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.

I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.

I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!

Envy

I've done some processing since Valentine's Day when I was so painfully cognizant of all the middle-aged couples around me. At that time I would have labeled my feelings as being jealous of those couples being in love. But I wasn't really jealous that those fortunate folks had love in their lives. Rather, I was envious of them because of the stability and security they have within their marriages.

The number one thing I miss most about being married was that stability and security. To be in a long-term relationship that withstood the test of time. As my husband lay unconscious and dying, I was able to speak to the hospital staff and make known his wishes. Because I knew my husband so intimately and deeply I knew without a shadow of a doubt that what I was conveying was what he would have wanted. So that is what I see when I look at couples together. The stability and strength they have in their marriages, their commitment to one another and that they have a person to lean on in good times and bad.

I wish everyone love. We all deserve it and we all should have it in our lives. We deserve to be told that we are loved and to be nurtured and accepted by others as we nurture and accept those we love.

The definition of envy is: 1: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 2.: an object of envious notice or feeling

The definition of jealousy is: 1.: demanding complete devotion 2.: fearful or suspicious of a rival or competitor : feeling a spiteful envy toward someone more successful than oneself 3.: suspicious that a person one loves is not faithful 4.: Watchful, Careful

As I read these definitions I see my longings for a life joined with someone as envious, not jealousy. I am not spiteful or really angry at others who have this. And I certainly do not wish ill will or harm toward others. Rather, the softened way to view this is that I do have a painful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another and I sure do want that in my life too!

Some weeks ago I came across in one of my self-help books, the notion that envy is not the bad devil we are always led to believe. All of us have been told since we were kids not to be jealous. But this author said we should pay attention to those times when we are envious and they used the word envy instead of jealous. By tuning into ourselves when we have these feelings, we become aware of what we are really seeking and want for our lives. This concept has softened the way I was feeling around Valentine's Day. I was not bitter or mean spirited; rather I was tuned into what I really want for my life and what is now absent.

It is interesting because often when I am reading a newspaper, magazine, catalogs or even junk mail, I tear out or keep pictures of middle-aged couples together. I keep reading and hearing about creating collages of what we want to bring into our lives. So I want to start putting those pictures of happy couples walking hand-in-hand onto a poster board - all these pictures aren't doing any good sitting in piles of paperwork. These photos don't make me sad - rather they inspire me. And they raise the hope inside me that makes me aspire to having that type of committed and long-term relationship I had with my husband again, sometime in my future (hopefully sooner than later).

I will also put photos of places I want to visit because my love for travel has been solely lacking in my life these past years. And some photos of antiques because I want to get back to collecting my glassware that made me so happy just looking at it and touching it (the ex-husband got the entire collection that we built up together) and I've been collecting it again in little dribs and drabs, here and there. And I might put some pictures of libraries on there to nurture my baby dream of going to work at a library in the future. I plan on starting my poster tonight and putting it up in front of the sink where I'll see it often everyday since I can't escape those dishes or making meals for the boys and I.

Also, I am going to start stopping by the local yarn shops I love more frequently. And the bookstores. Just for some browsing and conversation with the sales clerks that know me. I'm going to hone in on trying to do more of what brings me little bits of pleasure during this tough time of transition for me, where I'm slowly but surely starting to make a little progress out of this hole I've landed in after falling so far and so hard. All small steps with the first being my poster which I'm becoming excited about starting. Who knows what other pictures may end up on it?

I am grateful:

1. That spring is definitely in the air.
2. That my oldest made the Varsity Volleyball team.
3. That I hit the motherload yesterday in the store and got some ground turkey, milk and cottage cheese all at half price. Yes, I am that woman who runs into the store every day to scout out the discounted specials - some days I go out emptyhanded but last night was worth the wait. 4. That I have the opportunity to relax tonight and watch a little t.v. while working on my dream poster.
5. That there is food in the pantry and freezer.

Deserving of Joy

"People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some of them need it far more."
Margaret Collier Graham, 1906

Last week I had a very sad experience at the library. It is a treat for me to visit the library because when I lived in our home, we were out of the city limits and did not qualify for a library card unless we purchased one for about $200.00 a year. So, once we moved to the apartment, which is in the city, I obtained a FREE library card. I've gone a couple times now and have been amazed at the great DVD collection available. There isn't much down time in my life, so I've just gotten a nice selection of knitting and craft books to browse through so far.

During my last half hour library visit, I caught myself thinking about how happy being in a library makes me, along with bookstores. I love being surrounded by books. They comfort me. Maybe this goes back to my childhood when I often escaped the turmoil of my youth by reading. It probably makes sense that I have amassed a large library with 12 large overstuffed book cases surrounding my living room. I put a lot of furniture into storage when I moved but most of the books came with me. Maybe surrounding myself with books is my attempt at feeling safe and secure.

Anyway, I was happy and content in the library. Feeling a few moments of pure escapism pleasure. I felt good even just looking around at the other patrons. Then I noticed a lot of the library employees were women my age or older and my mind ran away with the fantasy that for my next career, I'll go back to the community college for a library assistant certificate. I was really having fun with that, imaging my boys in college and me happily working and content in a little suburban library.

And then it happened. This horrible voice came in and interrupted my fantasy. It growled, "You have no right to feel happy right now. Your life is a mess. You're struggling to pay your bills and feed your children. You need to feel as bad as your life is right now. And dreams of ever working in a library? Are you kidding? You don't even have a job. You need to keep your nose to the grindstone and keep pounding the pavement. You don't deserve such a frivolous job anyway!"

And just like that, my good mood and happy outlook disappeared and I was back to worrying about the bills, food and job. Then I was even upset with myself for having those few moments of contentment.

I think what happened here is that when you're down and out, it becomes very easy to see yourself in a negative way. You're already feeling desperate and lousy about your situation and society casts its disapproving eyes your way as well. You start believing that you're a rotten person for being in the position you have landed, and the next logical thought is that you're as bad as your situation. And bad people don't deserve happiness or bits of joy in their lives. Only the well-to-do housewives down the street deserve it because they aren't facing adversity.

Of course, this whole train of thought and its premise are nonsense. If anyone needs and deserves some happiness and diversion it would be those who are suffering or going through a hard time, like me. It is just interesting to see how easy it is to get swept down into the mire and to stay there because of thoughts like these. Those who are suffering have so many challenges to face including this one - the ability to see oneself as having value and worth, deserving of some happiness, leisure and fun even while wading through the muck of despair.

I am grateful:

1. For the smell and sounds of spring in the air.
2. For rain instead of snow.
3. That my flat tire on the second car only needed to be inflated, not changed, hopefully buying me a few more weeks until I am more able to afford new tires.
4. That I caught a break at the eye doctor when they sold me a box of contacts for my son even though he needed a new exam and their policy required the exam for me to get the contacts - because they don't accept any insurance and right now I can't afford the exam charge. This will hold us until I can find a new place to go that is more affordable for eye care.
5. For highlighter pens in bright colors way beyond that initial yellow.

One is the Lonliest Number

I live in an area where if you throw a stone in any direction, you will wind up in a cute, historic town full of quaint shops and restaurants. So, since I had to drive 30-minutes away to return my son's Elvis costume, I planned to stop off at a yarn and antique store in the area of the costume shop. Just window shopping mind you. But I get a lot of ideas window shopping and since my boys were out for the day had a little time of my own. A way to battle some of the winter stir-craziness.

The town with the yarn store was filled with middle-aged couples (straight and gay) holding hands while strolling down the streets. My eyes always gravitate to these fit and young looking 60-ish pairs, smiling at one another, stopping to embrace. Then in the yarn store, women in twos were mingling about. I assume there were some that were friends and others mother-daughter or sister pairs.

It is hard always going out on one's own. But if you are someone alone and want to go somewhere, what is the option? I enjoy my window shopping excursions but would enjoy them far more if they were shared with a friend or partner. Judith Sills, PhD, in her book, "Getting Naked Again - Dating, Romance, Sex and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted" talks about this. By the way, the book is very good. Anyway, she basically says that all of us will at some point in our lives be on our own, without a partner. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is where we are at that place in our lives.

So I try to hold my head up high and enjoy browsing the bins of brightly colored yarn or shop of antiques and collectible treasures. I try to not feel too down viewing the happy couples that seem to multiply in front of my eyes. But it is still hard and I am still lonely, even though I enjoyed my brief afternoon respite of window shopping.

I am grateful:

1. For yarn shops - I want to live in one!
2. For antique stores.
3. For book stores, whether they are chains or secondhand ones.
4. For libraries.
5. For 60-ish couples who look so vibrant and in love. Puts aside the myth that you have to be young to be happy and in love. Gives me hope that someday I'll be walking down the street joining that group sometime in the future.

Spring Tease

The mild temperatures over the weekend and rain diminished our snow so there isn't much on the ground. All that is left are the remains of the towering piles from where the snowplows had to dump when plowing. It was so good to see the grass and ground - to smell the earth again. Yesterday it looked and felt like March. But today we are back to the cold and snow is in the forecast!

This reminds me of a tip I came across in regard to having to scrape your car in the snow. It suggested that you put paper bags over the windows to eliminate the cleanup. I tried this a few weeks back putting the paper bags over the front window of my van. Unfortunately, over the night most of the bags blew off so I had to scrape anyway. I came across another tip this weekend that suggested rubbing a raw onion half over the vehicle windows to prevent the formation of ice. So I am going to try that next along with the other suggestion I found that said to try garbage bags over the vehicle windows. I'll let you know if the plastic bags work better than the paper. Looks like there will be some more opportunities with snow coming.

Another interesting tip I read talked about the power of color to enrich our lives. During these gloomy and dark winter days, it suggested making a point of looking at red and orange items to lift our moods. Another suggestion was to put bowls of oranges, lemons and limes around with the scent of the oranges and lemons being especially energizing. Can't hurt and it is worth a try. I cleaned my bathroom yesterday with an orange cleaner and have to say it was very refreshing and vibrant. During my cleaning over the weekend, I "found" some of those adjustable gel air fresheners in holiday fragrances. I went ahead and put them all out and now our home smells great. You can get these air fresheners for a dollar on sale, even the name brands such as Renuzit. What a cheap luxury!

Although my funds are too limited right now to afford flowers, that was another hint recommended to lift winter doldrums. Buy a bunch for your home. Here is a cute idea I saw. You cut some slits into the tops off some lemons. Then you use the shell as a vase for small flowers. This next one is pretty clever too. Take a lace doily and cover with fabric stiffener. Shape the doily over a bowl to dry and when it is finished, you have a cute container. And you could use it to display some of that citrus fruit!

Luckily, none of us have been sick this winter. Surprisingly, we have all been extremely healthy in the years since my husband's death. I just don't "allow" myself to get ill and am lucky I have a strong resolve and immune system because I do think that stress can play havoc with our health. But here are two home remedies for colds I clipped out in case we need them before spring is really in bloom.

Sore Throat Soother to instantly relieve the pain and swelling:

Add 1 tsp. lemon juice and 1 Tbs. Listerine to a cup of water and gargle, 3-4 times a day.

Cold-Weather Cough Quieter:

Mix 1 Tbs. lemon juice with 1 tsp. honey and a pinch of cayenne pepper, then swallow. The lemon adds vitamin C and reduces inflammation. The honey is soothing and coats the throat. The pepper increases circulation.

Interesting that both home remedies contain lemon juice!

For flaky hair which comes with winter and dry scalp, gently work 1/4 cup mouthwash into the scalp for 30 seconds after shampooing. The mouthwash contains less alcohol than dandruff shampoos so is not as drying to hair.

To get out of bed more quickly and energized on these gloomy dark days, press the tip of your left pinkie to your left thumb; do the same with your right hand and hold both for two minutes. Apparently this is an acupressure point that stimulates the release of adrenaline.

I read yet again how the repetitive motions of knitting and crocheting reduce anxiety and relieve tension. I love doing both, especially in winter. I am making a point to have a project always going and in my tote bag so I can work some stitches while waiting to pick the boys up from school, etc. This weekend I whipped up a display for our door. It has been bothering me that all the doors in our building don't have wreaths or seasonal decorations. When I lived in our home changing the door decor was always something I enjoyed and I often made whatever was displayed. But all my decorations are somewhere in the storage shed and I wanted something seasonal. Remember the giant mitten I made for my son's girlfriend at Christmas? I took that pattern and crocheted two mittens in contrasting blue yarns. They are now on the door looking very cute hanging side-by-side. When I come to the door now, I feel part of my fun-loving and creative spirit greeting me. It is feeling good to have a part of me that has been buried the past months start to become alive again.

One last hint. To cure a broken heart: clean, organize, decorate. I've read this before. While our lives can be unpredictable and unruly, one of the things we can actually control is our home environment. By gaining mastery over our living areas, we have some say in how we are living and managing our losses. I may have had to leave my home, but that doesn't mean I have lost the ability to put up a decoration on my door to brighten the gloomy January days.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the van's heat and blower are still working.
2. That we have had enough food this month and have not had to resort to PB & J or Mac and Cheese.
3. For lint rollers.
4. For warm showers.
5. For duct tape, which has surprisingly many uses.

Staying In As The Snow Falls

We are having ANOTHER winter storm here, SIGH, which is supposed to continue through tomorrow. It is a day for hunkering down and staying in. On days like these I like to have something in the oven going to boost up the heat and to make our home smell more warm and cozy. Last night, I baked banana bread from a box of cake mix I had on hand. I had wanted to use up some bananas and didn't want to put in much effort. One review of the recipe, which I found online, said that the first loaf of the bread was eaten by the family in one day. Well, I will top that. My boys ate one of the loaves within an hour! I didn't believe the reviews which raved about the recipe but it is very moist and good. Almost as good as my real banana bread made from scratch!

Cheap, Easy, Fun Banana Bread

1 box yellow cake mix
3 - 5 ripe bananas (I used 4)
1/3 cup vegetable oil (you can also use 1 cup of apple sauce if that is what is on hand)
3 eggs
optional - 1 cup chocolate chips, which we add to everything I bake

Mix all ingredients well, pour into two loaf pans coated with cooking spray and bake at 350 degrees for approximately 45 minutes (start checking on bread at 35 minutes).

I also made a new recipe for chili last night, which was a nice change of pace since I make a lot of chili over the winter - once a week.

Sloppy Joe Chili

1 cup chopped onion
2 T. Chili powder (at least - I always use more)
1 lb. ground turkey or beef
1 can Sloppy Joe sauce
1 can drained kidney beans
3 cups hot cooked white rice

Brown onions and chili powder with cooking spray. Cook meat and drain. Stir in Sloppy Joe sauce and beans, heating for about 5 minutes. Serve chili over rice and top with cheese, sour cream and more chili powder. I always serve corn with chili. We don't usually eat chili with rice and it was surprisingly tasty.

I am taking advantage of being able to stay in and putter. We're supposed to get at least 7 inches of snow. This is kind of my last fling, since I'll be seriously searching for work as soon as I take the Nursing Asst. state exam next Sat. I am trying to be as cheap as possible in terms of feeding us but want to be preparing some more creative entrees focusing on what is in the pantry.

I have a large can of Bartlet pears and some applesauce so today's mission will be to see what I can come up with to use those. I still have some bananas left and might try the above recipe using a box of chocolate cake mix. I love to cook and bake and really have not done it since having to pack up and move from the house. Things seem to be settling in a bit or maybe I am just ready to try and make life more settled. For me that has always involved cooking and baking and I am finding it a creative challenge to come up with cheap and flavorful dishes.

Our place still smells so good from last night's meal and banana bread. I want to try and keep up this effort and momentum. It makes a difference. My oldest came in last night from studying with his girlfriend and the first words out of his mouth were how good it smelled when he opened the door. We all need more of those simple moments.

Christmas Past and Present

The circumstances of the past few months have resulted in my not decorating in any way. There is nothing up yet at either Sam's home or my apartment. It is the first year I have never not celebrated or tried to pull together some sort of seasonal spirit.

My decorations and numerous trees are buried in two storage sheds and I am just not motivated to make or buy anything. I've run out of time for making decorations and money is beyond tight. My heart has not been in this year's holiday at all. There was just too much going on finishing my Asst. Nursing class and then moving out of state to get the kids enrolled in the new school right after Thanksgiving.

I can't believe it is only a week before Christmas now! If the boys were younger, I would be more concerned about the trimmings and decorations. I used to go all out. Every year I would have a different theme for the tree and sometimes had three or four in the house. I made many homemade decorations and ornaments, knitted wreaths, baked tons of cookies and breads. The boys got many presents. On display was my large collecion of antique Santas. Holiday music was played all day and the house was filled with good scents.

The memories I am recalling are making me smile because I did create some beautiful ones for my family. And that includes Husband #2 with a tree that was white with all blue ornaments and blue lights. But I am also a bit sad that this holiday is one that is turning out to be so sparse.

We are thankfully going to my girlfriend's for Christmas and her home will have a tree. We'll have to get our holiday fix there. I need to knit some scarves for gifts. I will put up Sam's little fiber optic tree tomorrow and we'll treat it as a joke. I have some stained glass window designs that can be colored and maybe I can request that the boys and Sam make one so I can hang them in the picture window. I can bake something, even one item from a mix, say gingerbread and we can have it warm from the oven with popcorn and hot chocolate while we watch my favorite movie, "Love Actually." Maybe I can get some little gifts from the dollar store and wrap them so the boys have a pile of something to open.

My oldest was born in early December and in the early years of my marriage, life was so hectic at the holidays, my husband and I celebrated with gifts on New Year's Eve. One year, when my oldest had been hospitalized with Impetigo/Chicken Pox and I was pregnant with my second, the tree wasn't even put up until Dec. 26th! I am laughing as I think about that memory. Perhaps years from now I will look back and recall this as an unconventional holiday that still got celebrated. A little time remains to come up with some ideas.

But this season will be one of extreme simplicity and restraint. Has anyone else noticed as have I, that there aren't as many decorations out at the shopping centers? Guess I'm not the only one cutting back this year. I do take back my first statement about there being nothing up at either residence. Sam put up some snowmen, including one I crafted last Christmas and gave him as a gift.

Corn Pudding

In my old life before widowhood, I was one of those over-involved PTA moms. I worked part-time and spent at least 10 hours at the grade school my boys attended weekly. I worked in the library one afternoon, assisted in the classroom another, tutored reading, collated, stapled and distributed the weekly newsletter, headed the monthly food drive as well as other committees (Yearbook, Health & Safety, Fun Fair, etc.). At the holidays I coordinated the room parties and made goodie bags for all the kids. I baked my share of treats for various events (cake walk), gave the teachers generous presents and was a very visible face always willing to give a helping hand.

Flash forward to the present. My Certified Nursing Assistant Program ends this week and a party with the 32 students was planned. We were all supposed to bring a dish for a pot luck lunch. My heart wasn't in making anything. Things are just too crazy right now. I thought about picking up a nice platter of holiday cookies or brownies. But in the end tried to come up with a dish that would be very simple and quick to make. I decided on corn pudding because I associate corn with Thanksgiving and I love the dish. My huge cookbook collection never got unpacked so I went online to see what I could come up with. I found the Jiffy Corn Bread recipe for Corn Casserole and went with it because it doesn't get much simpler than that.

Jiffy Corn Casserole

1 can whole kernel corn undrained
1 can creamed style corn
1 stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. sugar
8 oz. sour cream
Small box of Jiffy Corn Meal Muffin Mix

Mix all ingredients together. Pour in slightly greased pan or pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

I got up today at 5:00 a.m. to make this dish before class. Sadly, it was not a hit at the party. The spread, however, was wonderful since we have a group of such diversity. Many prepared dishes from their native lands. Everyone went around wanting the rest of us to try their dishes. I know many of the other students have only been in our country a short while and are struggling financially. But they really cooked enough to feed an army as they used to say. I enjoyed potato salad from Peru, grape leaves, chicken kabobs, cheese blintzes from Ukraine, egg rolls, fried rice, pot stickers, ham, salad, pizza. It was a feast and I even went back for seconds as most of us did. I was so glad I made my lowly corn casserole (or pudding as we always called it at my house) because it was a contribution. Anyway, now I am eating it for my dinner and I have to say it is pretty tasty. I should have made more of an effort to get the others to try a taste.

I also realized after having such a great time at this little party, how much I have been missing small pleasures in my life. Widowhood can be isolating and now that I am getting back into the work force, I'll have an opportunity to increase my social network. I also need to make more of an effort to get out or do more for myself. The past months have been difficult and this was a break in the storm clouds. It has never taken much to please me - I'm not a diamond ring kind of gal - for me it is all about simple pleasures. Good food, some wine, intelligent conversation and interesting friends. I needed this party in my life right now - it revived me - it was fun - I forgot about my troubles for a bit and had a good time.

My sons got a big laugh when I came home and told them no one had eaten my dish. Gone are the days when I could and would go overboard with baking, cooking, volunteering and so on. But I am glad I was able to compromise and find a balance in being able to do something, rather than nothing. I found an inexpensive and easy dish to prepare - I made the effort - I was part of the team.

More balancing - our clinical instructor told us on Sunday that we need to bring some sort of breakfast to the last class next Sunday to thank the nurses and CNAs who have worked with us. I have to say that I was a little put off by this - I always think such actions need to be presented as voluntary and not dictated. The student organizing this asked to collect $3.50 from the 10 of us. I thought about this and felt the amount was too much to ask for donuts and coffee so I gave what was affordable to me, $2.00. In the old days, BHD (Before Husband's Death) I would have just gone with the flow and put in the $3.50. But I'm not the same person I was, nor am I in the same position. And it felt good to do something on my terms for a change.

Fresh Air and Exercise

I am taking a break after six hours of physical labor at the storage shed. I am beat! I am almost finished moving the contents of one garage-sized space into the other. I should go back again tonight but it is dark and I am tired. It was good to be out in the fresh air exercising. Note: I should probably be doing more of it because of the mood lifting effect. But it was also a bit depressing. Just to see the entire contents of your home/life condensed within a storage/garage space. What would really be ideal would be to have the time to dig and go through everything, donate and toss as much as possible and hopefully move into a smaller space. A plan of action for the new year ahead.

When I got in with a $5.99 pizza for dinner, the boys immediately pounced on me because throughout the day the teachers at the new school had been texting them - they each got five text messages on their phones with the teachers welcoming them to their classes and saying how much they looked forward to meeting them. I sent the enrollment paperwork in mid-week because it was needed for the counselor to make up class schedules. If we end up not going, no harm done but because both schools are off the entire week of Thanksgiving I had to send it in when I did.

I'm pretty darn impressed with the reception being given to the boys. As much as I love the current high school they are at, I don't believe the teachers there would be sending text messages of welcome to new students. And our personal tour of the school was amazing! They really went out of their way to be nice to the boys. I was impressed because the school really did feel like a close knit community - I felt it while I was there. There could be worse places for the boys to be going.

I told the boys I would like to move and that money is so tight I'm worried about being able to feed them next month. My youngest told me he would go and eat at houses of his friends. My oldest said he would be willing to move after this school year. I had to tell him that I don't have the money to pay for his club volley ball payment of $450.00 due at the end of the month. Then I heard about my oldest's girlfriend and how he doesn't want to leave her. I promised to bring him back as many weekends as possible since I'll still have the storage sheds to contend with. I asked the boys to consider "trying out" the new school and going on the 30th and seeing how it is.

I am so grateful that Jude Miller commented and said the move will most likely be positive for the boys, they just don't have the ability to see it. She also mentioned that teens are usually selfish and self-serving. They are not able to see the entire picture for what it really is - that is why I still have the ability to make the final decision in all of this.

The youngest continues to be very sullen, surly and rude. He accused me of lying to him and not looking out/caring for him. I just said that my total focus has been on the boys since their Dad's death. Finally, my oldest told his brother to shut up because he was being so obnoxious. Both have now gone out for the night with the youngest telling me that it was stupid for the new track coach to text him because he will refuse to do anything at the new school if we move...

Now I am going to sit down with a book and some Cherry Almond Fudge ice cream. I picked up a carton ($2.50 on sale) for the boys. Then I added another. But I went back and got a third choosing this flavor for me. I never get cherry flavored anything because my oldest doesn't care for it. But now I am glad for this small splurge - the boys can have their Oreo and Rocky Road.

I will sleep well tonight - the whole night through without waking up. We all need to rest and sleep enough. It is essential for thinking clearly, focusing and having the strength to face whatever tomorrow brings.