Happy 4th of July!

This photo was taken on one of my antiquing trips out into the countryside. I stop and take photos of anything that catches my eye. What a cool sculpture!

My boys are in Lake Geneva, which is a lovely resort town on the Illinois/Wisconsin line with their older brother and his wife, whose family has a lakehouse there. Lucky them! They went tubing this a.m. and will be boating. I will soon go out to my girlfriend's annual July 4th BBQ. She has had it for years and I am fortunate to have a place to relax, eat tasty food and celebrate.

There will be grilled chicken, burgers, hot dogs, brats, various chips and fruit salad. I am contributing potato salad, baked beans, coleslaw, cheery and blueberry cobblers with ice cream. AND there will be enough leftovers for when the boys get home!

I hope everyone reading has good food to eat and a chance to put your feet up and relax. Hopefully, you'll spend some time with friends and/or family. Really, in the end, this is what truly matters - food. family/friends, and the opportunity to enjoy some downtime after putting in a rewarding week of work be it at home or after punching a time clock. Fancy things come way down on the list.

Simplicity

Continue to struggle big time with all of the unbalance in my life. Maybe it stems from being the start of Spring and our desire to clean up house, new beginnings and fresh starts.

Widows carry a lot of stuff on their shoulders. I think about the fact that I have a senior in high school with another senior next year. That's a lot right there not to mention dealing with the finances, upkeep of home, meals, shopping, laundry, etc. I manage the lives of two adolescent males. I still have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and then take the steps to get there. There is a career change in the works. I am still unsettled from the move from house to apartment and the grief/sadness/loss from the death of husband #1 and divorce from husband #2 sometimes reappear.

Perhaps when we are at our most busy and overwhelmed with so many life changes we need to scale back and keep life as simple as possible. I was reminded of this with my daily email from author Lissa Coffey through CoffeyTalk.com. The other day she spoke about the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read the book years ago.

Basically, the book sets out four principles to help us lead better lives through The Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I went to my bookshelves and after a bit of a search (the books are still somewhat disorganized from the move), located this little volume. It seems a good book to take out and reread right now.

Funny, in her weekly email from the knit club leader, she also wrote about feeling highly unbalanced as of late. I sent her an email copying in Lissa Coffey's message and suspecting she had already read The Fourth Agreement, which she had. She emailed back that now there is a book about The Fifth Agreement, which she just bought, and I am curious about checking that out after I reread about the four agreements again.

As I struggle with major life changes wrecking havoc on my soul, the knit club leader related her current struggles with angst. She is struggling with what books to read next and about taking her next classes in The Library Assistant Program. Her two kids are out of college and grown. She has a hubby. Hmmmmm... I need to put a lid on my hmmmm and remember to not make any assumptions!

Spring Yarn

There is a fragrance by Clinique called "Happy" and indeed, when you smell it, the scent is about as close to what I would describe as happiness in a bottle. Also, a fragrance called "Red," and again, if there is a way to bottle the smell of a color, this one sure does fit. I wear it every February as it is more of a winter fragrance in my opinion.

I came across an inexpensive bulky skein of yarn from the Deborah Norville line at JoAnn Fabrics. I believe it was on sale and was only $3.00 or so. The color was called "Spring" and seeing and touching the candy cane/Easter egg hues made me immediately think of spring. So I got a couple skeins and started playing around with different patterns to make a spring inspired scarf.

The pattern I settled on if from the book "One Skein Wonders," called "Jan's Sensational Scarf." It can be worked in virtually any yarn on size 15 needles. The pattern is K1, "K1, Yarn Over, Knit Two Together," K1, repeating the center section. The scarf in the photo was made with 14 stitches. I whipped it up in a little over an hour and wore it to Knit Club. Then at the club I started a more narrow one to give to my sister with just 11 stitches. Almost got it finished last night. I got a lot of compliments on the yarn and the scarf last night. I must say it is nice to hear kind words of any sort.

I look forward to finishing the scarf tonight and sending it to my sister tomorrow after work. This is to replace the winter cowl I made her for winter wear and which she has received many compliments on. When times get tough or my mood gets low, I need to remember the power I have to spread cheer and hope. Even in the worst of times I can dig up a couple dollars or root through my yarn stash and create an item that cuts through the gloom and late spring snow and cold. When I wore the scarf yesterday evening, there was a sense of pride at having created my own accessory and the fun of having done so with such an aptly inspired yarn for this time of year, when everyone's mood is craving brighter colors, lighter clothing, plants/flowers and sunnier skies.

Healing Graces

The vase in this photo is the centerpiece from the dining table at my brother's, whom we had Thanksgiving dinner with. I liked that my sister-in-law had gone out into the yard to find branches with some remaining leaves and then added a single sprig of evergreen to the mix. Simple and elegant. Tasteful and congruent. It represented a blending of the seasons - fall and holiday that I can handle. Not like the huge urns of mums out at the shopping malls right up against the garish red and green wreaths and mistletoe.

Anyway, the dinner went well and relations with my family have improved all around. As hard as it is for me to accept this, I must take some responsibility for fostering better and more consistent contact despite the current obstacles in my life. Will we ever be the Waltons or Brady Bunch? No, but things can always be better and we can hope for improvement as well and not give up.

The boys and I visited with Sam over the weekend arriving home Wednesday night. I needed to get away for myself and Sam and I had not seen each other since mid-August. It is exceedingly difficult to maintain this relationship but we have continued to hang in there. I felt as if a huge weight was off my shoulders the few days of our visit, even though Sam worked Mon-Wed. Just being with another adult (and male besides) helps me in that way. He was off Sunday and treated the boys to a pizza buffet while he and I went to Ruby Tuesday on our own. Whenever we come back I am struck by how fast our time went. I never turned on the computer once, or accomplished much of anything. Sam and I made dinner one night together and that was fun. We always say we'll talk more than we end up doing - he remains committed to my staying here the next year and a half so my youngest can finish high school. He feels it is only fair to both the boys. Right now that seems so far away to continue to be struggling here on my own.

I am trying to develop the mindset of focusing on doing what I want to do and then doing so. I wanted to see Sam, I went for myself. So many times over the past years I have deferred my own desires for that of others. A small step but one that I will continue to try and concentrate more on. I wanted to spend the time with my family despite the estrangements of the past years. More importantly, I want to relate to everyone in my life (including myself) in a more honest and forthright manner. To being about healing and understanding and not be pointing fingers - that doesn't get anyone anywhere.

The Time Is Now

I've been way guilty of saving a lot of objects in my life for later. Like all the creams and lotions that come with the perfume gift sets I get at the holidays or for Mother's Day. And I have tons of candles that have remained unburned. They are so pretty and smell so nice I don't know why I have never lit them. Also, various makeup items, fancy soaps, stationery, note cards, bottles of wine, clothing, bound journals - I can probably think of more things but I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Having to move from the house to the apartment resulted in me clearing out various drawers and shelves and all of this stuff became unhidden. The other day I came across a large bag of soap dishes, hand cream tubes and cute soaps in the shape of snowflakes. I had purchased them a few years back to have on hand to give as holiday and teacher gifts. It really bothered me to see them again as they were long forgotten. For one thing they are not being used and they are taking up valuable and needed space.

I knitted two adorable dish cloths in a multi-colored blue cotton yarn to add to the bath items and I gave two sets away. One to the boys' school counselor for all her help in getting the boys back on track after their move and return. The other to my Nursing Assistant instructor because I really liked her and we developed a bit of friendship between us in the five weeks I took the class. I plan on knitting up three more dish cloths. They are round and in the shape of flowers - just adorable. Each takes about two hours for me to knit but I do so during my downtime while watching t.v. - that is why it probably takes two hours because I have to keep track of rows, so I wait til the commercials. Anyway, I want to give away two bath sets to the moms of my sons' friends whom they often stay over with and as a housewarming to my girlfriend who sold her home and moved into a townhouse. I will keep and use one set for myself.

That big bag is just looking at me with an evil eye. I don't want any bags like this in my life anymore. Things need to be used and appreciated - not stored away for a rainy day in the future. I have started to use up my supply of lotions and creams and am finding that the five minutes I devote to myself in the morning to do so is a way cheap but well worth it luxury. I smell great all day and my dry winter skin is smooth. I am lighting candles during the day while I work on the computer and then again at night when the boys and I eat dinner and then they do homework. The candles glowing have taken away some of the gloom of winter.

I have also started work on cleaning and clearing out storage shed #2 of the original 3 - currently there are just 2. I am going to ruthless in what I decide to keep and discard. There are about 10 small boxes of my beloved grandmother's china that my mom gave me some years before she died. She knew I would appreciate the design because it is made up of orange flowers and orange is one of my favorite colors. I am strongly considering getting the boxes out of storage and displaying them in someway or just using them. Why not? What good are they doing sitting in storage? So what if one piece out of the eight piece set breaks? Isn't it better to use what we love and enjoy it fully?

I got this image of my boys having to clear out my clutter and knew without a doubt that all the lotions, creams and candles would wind up in a dumpster somewhere. So I am going to be non-frugal with what I already own and have. I'm going to use it up with no worries about waste or running out. I am going to appreciate the little luxuries I already have. I am experiencing an unexpected surge of pleasure whenever a candle burns down and I have to replace it and I use up a tube of the nice body lotion.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of the excess in my life because it does represent a life of plenty even now during hard times.
2. For the spring catalogs appearing in the mail. I get inspired at looking at pretty things even not being able to afford them right now. And I get decorating and craft ideas for free too!
3. For all the free craft patterns I can access via the internet.
4. For warm, cozy and soft gloves.
5. For the scent of Johnson's Baby Lotion. I am using a cream that smells like this right now and it is very soothing.
3.

Slow And Simple

I find myself being drawn to all things simple. It is like my mind is too tired and needs a vacation from having to process too much. I am mindful of how exhausting it is to grieve both physically and mentally. I am functioning much better than I was in December but need to remember to keep taking little steps and not try to accomplish too much too soon.

For now, I am truly grateful to be able to do laundry, cook, wash my face before going to bed and floss my teeth. To tackle the dishes straight on instead of letting them sit in the sink. I am less likely to snap at one of the boys and I feel in more control and calm, even when life is still pretty harry.

I enjoyed cooking up a super crock pot meal this weekend that made our little home warm and inviting. I also baked a dump cake which I love because it is simply dumping three items into a pan.

Slow Cooker Italian Shredded Beef Hoagies (Betty Crocker)

2 lb beef boneless arm roast, trimmed of fat (I used a cooked turkey pot roast I already had in the freezer and this still tasted great)

2 medium onions, sliced (These really make the mixture tasty)

1 can (14.5 oz) Italian-seasoned diced tomatoes, undrained

1/4 cup tomato paste (I just used a small can of tomato sauce since I didn't have the paste)

8 Hoagie buns, toasted if desired

8 oz shredded mozzarella cheese

Place onions in bottom of slow cooker. Place meat on top of onions. Mix the tomatoes and sauce/paste and pour over meat. Cover and cook on low heat setting 8-10 hours. (Since my meat was already cooked, I just put the setting on high for a few hours.) Shred meat. Put mixture on buns and top with cheese.

Yeah, there is enough left for another dinner later in the week. It is also suggested, that you simply top pasta with the meat mixture if you don't want sandwiches.

3-Ingredient Pear Dump Cake

Coat 13 x 9 inch pan with cooking spray. Pour in large can of pears in heavy syrup (include syrup). I cut the pears up because they were in halves and spread out on the bottom of the pan. Top pears with a box of DRY white or yellow cake mix, spreading evenly. Top the cake mix with a stick of melted butter or margarine. Sprinkle nutmeg, cinnamon and sugar on top. Bake at 350 degrees for about 35-45 minutes. Serve warm with milk, cream or ice cream.

You can use whatever fruit you have - canned peaches, fruit cocktail, etc. or use fresh berries or pie filling. For the butter topping you can also put on pats or slices from a stick, spoon on soft margarine or even spritz sprays of butter flavored cooking spray. This is also good to reheat for breakfast.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Clean clothes.
2. Flannel sheets.
3. Freshly cleaned bathrooms.
4. Being gifted two huge loaves of Italian bread from my oldest's girlfriend, whose family gets them from their neighbors, owners of a bakery.
5. My son's ceramic pots and vases he made this semester in his ceramics class. I am enjoying decorating with them.