Drowning My Sorrows

Today, some of my previous euphoria at having gone to the knitting club on Wednesday evening dissipated. My oldest son is grouching about the van being out of commission and sent me a text at work today that he tried starting it again and the battery just died - this was after I filled it with one of those portable gas cans. "We are screwed!" he informed me. That just about killed my internal mood the rest of the day at work. I've worked the lunch hour all week and it has been very busy on account of the holiday and people being off of work and families visiting and so forth. I have been tired standing the five hours on my feet.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with the van. My little sedan still needs the $600.00 work on it that I've put off since September. When I drive it, it sounds like I'm in a truck but I've gotten used to it and have just tried to grin and bear it. I still have to get my son to Springfield for the talent contest in mid-January besides (another worry). Only having the one vehicle makes it difficult for my son to get to work after school (I can pick him up in the evening) and over Christmas break he has been walking to and fro. Not bad when the weather is mild but a mile and a half walk in snow, bitter cold and ice isn't pleasant (especially with a backpack of school books).

The other damper on the new year is that working this new job means my income kicks me up out of the bracket for eligibility for health insurance provided by the state. So if I keep working this job, I'll actually be worse off because I'll need to pay out of pocket for health insurance and it will cost me more than I'm making. So we will even be further in the hole! The cost of health insurance for my family has ranged from $500-$600 when I have had to pay for it out of pocket and that doesn't even include the co-pays.

I am so sick of this life. Just trying to get by. Single/only parents are really hit hard. I understand why it is better for some people not to work. As it is, how does working this job help me right now if I'm tired and drained afterward and not making any progress because all my income now has to go toward health insurance coverage? Instead of being able to dig myself out of our hole, I just keep digging myself down deeper!

What is so desperately needed in our country is affordable health insurance for everyone! Especially those most in need, single/only parents raising children on reduced incomes. The only thing that will save me here is getting a full-time job with benefits. All these part-time jobs just end up leaving me without benefits and put me in an income bracket that doesn't allow me any type of assistance. It is so discouraging to be stuck in this hole and not seeing an easy way to dig out. As it is, we just have enough to barely make it much less have anything left over for car repairs.

So I am somewhat down and wanting to drown my sorrows in drink since it is New Year's Eve after all. My apartment friends have invited me out to a sports bar tonight for a drink or two. I wish I could get tipsy so I could forget the worries and troubles weighing on my soul. But I only have $10.00 and that will probably only cover two drinks. I'll have to make the most of them.

Christmas Shopping

Yesterday my youngest asked to be taken out to purchase a gift for his girlfriend (they've been friends awhile but going out for just about a month). He wanted to get her some kind of jewelry with the $11.00 he had as well as a fleece scarf from Old Navy. The scarves were advertised for only a dollar and we got to the store about three hours after they sold out. It was my fault we got there too late - when you have teen boys sometimes everything that goes wrong becomes mom's fault. So then we hit Walmart. They had some earring and necklace sets for $5.00 but my son preferred the ones a little higher in quality. Those were necklaces ranging from $9.00 - $12.00. He wasn't keen on a heart but eventually was convinced by my assurances that keys were big this year, judging from the ones I've seen in catalogs. So he went with the necklace in the middle of the photo because it was sterling vs. stainless steel and I had to kick in an extra two dollars.

I've been pretty good thus far this year not getting envious or upset when I see the jewelry commercials on t.v., particularly the ones with husbands buying their wives Christmas gifts. I will say though that I started to covet a Pandora charm bracelet after seeing the commercial with the three daughters saying over and over, "Did Dad go to Jared? Oh yeah, he went to Jared," they affirm as the mom oozes over her Pandora bracelet.

Some days I feel so naked. I don't wear any jewelry anymore, having sold it all or pawned it for pawn shop loans. I have a few pieces on loan that I pay a small amount for every month until I can afford to pick them up. These include one of my wedding/engagement rings sets from my first marriage and the wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond from my second marriage. It was custom designed by me and I figure one day I can replace the diamond with perhaps a less expensive gem stone. I have a couple other nice diamond and gold rings I'd wear on my right hand. Nothing extravagant. Just nicer than costume jewelry and pretty.

I miss having jewelry to wear. I enjoyed it and it was fun to express myself that way. I preferred rings most of all. I think that when life improves, I'm going to celebrate and treat myself to a custom ring. Something not expensive but meaningful. I want it to symbolize survival, strength and growth. I saw a woman recently with such a ring, I think just crafted out of sterling. I noticed it at some school event and commented on it and she told me how she had had it made for herself. This might be an idea for someone to launch onto: "Survival Jewelry" to symbolize triumph over life's adversities.

Seeing the inexpensive costume jewelry at Walmart made me wish for a little necklace or a new pair of earrings. I always lose my earrings and am down to one pair. At the holiday concert the other week I spied a woman with a quilted Vera Bradley bag and yes, I drooled. I am not into shoes but boy I do appreciate a nice purse and Vera bags are so colorful and fun. I've been wanting one for three years! It's okay to want nice and pretty things. A Vera bag wouldn't break the bank at about $50.00.

Anyway, I've done pretty well as I said before avoiding not feeling bad because I can't afford anything past essentials right now. I stay out of stores on purpose if at all I can avoid going into them. But seeing all the people at Old Navy and Walmart buying gifts did jolt me out of my self-imposed blinders and it surprised me how quickly I wanted to indulge in a small treat for myself.

I love vintage jewelry and always thought that if I ever remarry I'd ask my spouse for an old pin on gift giving occasions instead of other more expensive options. Vintage pins run about $10.00 - $20.00 and are so fun, with such variety for every season.

I don't have expensive tastes and boy have they become even less expensive in recent years. But I also want to be real and admit that I'm tired of pinching pennies and a few extra dollars to have for discretionary spending would be nice. I don't want to be so poor anymore.

Black Friday Blues

I am feeling that crash that sometimes comes after a big event or holiday celebration. For a day your cares and worries are put aside and then you wake up with the same issues and problems briefly forgotten and end up feeling worse!

The boys are grumpy too but went to the gym to work out and hopefully release some of their tensions. I am trying not to mope and have vowed to keep active today and do what I can - wash dishes, try out a soup recipe, knit, clean, read. It is a bit cold but a walk would probably do me a world of good right now so I'll put that on the table too.

The point being, I don't want to just despair and feel helpless. Even accomplishing the dishes and having a clean sink is something. I could lie down and do nothing and tomorrow end up with having to do the dishes anyway. Activity vs. inactivity, no matter how insignificant or mindless it seems. Distraction too - trying to keep my mind focused on other things than the normal anxieties and worries like trying the soup recipe.

The Black Friday ads really have bummed me out and bothered me this year. I didn't notice them last year or maybe with the move and school I just wasn't watching as much t.v. I just know this season, since Halloween, I have absolutely despised that TJ Maxx commercial with the carolers on the escalator. All the ads depict happy moms (mostly) looking forward to shopping for their "normal" families. I am not one of those normal moms and I am poor besides. Looking at these manufactured glimpses of what we're supposed to be has resulted in my feeling worse about myself and my situation even though I know it is all just Hollywood advertising hype and hoopla.

I know retailers are trying to get shoppers in early because of the Recession. But what happens when you are one of those struggling Americans grateful for food on the table much less gifts? I fear this will be year number three with no gifts under our tree and it is hitting me hard. I view these happy actors in the t.v. ads and think I need to feel as joyful as they are but am so consumed with the reality of my life that of course, I can't. Anyway, they are just actors (but at least they had a paying job!).

Well, enough of this. I read something a few months back that rather upset me. I don't remember where it was from, probably a magazine article or maybe on the internet. Anyway, it was for single moms with the message of how important it is for us to continue holiday traditions and to make sure we observe the holidays for our kids. As if we need that added pressure added to our plates I mused! My boys are older, but it is still difficult to be in a situation where there isn't anything left even for a modest gift or two. I have looked into a couple of holiday programs in my area but they only provide gifts for kids ages 12 and under.

These past few years have been even more difficult for single and only parents because of unemployment and the Recession. I find it hard to put on a happy, holiday, cheerful face. But I will try. There is still the possibility that our family will be chosen to be adopted by a business. And if not, I'll have to put on that game face and do the best I can under extremely limited and reduced circumstances. In the meantime, I'm going to turn off the t.v. whenever one of those fake and phony ads come on.

When Your Best Is Good Enough

Earlier, this summer, I titled a post "When Your Best Isn't Good Enough" and it was about falling short even after 110% had been given. I am happy to say that this week and weekend I felt that my best was enough, in fact, more than enough.

Homecoming Week - full of many extra activities and tensions. Sons worried about when to shave and breaking out. My youngest was embarrassed he doesn't know how to tie a tie and went on Youtube and figured out how to do it.

My youngest had a lot of excitement as a Powder Puff dancer and performed at the start of the week for the girls' Powder Puff football game and then for the school assembly later in the week. I was proud of him for participating as a male dancer - his older brother did it last year and it was so much fun. The football announcer called the boys' routine a "spectacle!" Just lots of fun and laughter. My youngest is less outgoing than my oldest but still very popular in his own right.

Then there were the football games for my oldest but he didn't see much playing time this week. His girlfriend's birthday was this week which added to the already hectic tone, since he had to go and get her gifts. Then there was a costume fitting for Show Choir no less, as well!

The boys and I ended up scraping together suit jackets, dress shirts and shoes that still fit. Although my oldest wore a shirt a little tight and my youngest son's shoes were a bit tight too. We ended up finding a new pair of dress pants for my youngest at the resale shop for only $4.00. Both boys contributed their own money to the dance but still needed some help from me. I chipped in for the dry cleaning, part of the money for a new tie for my youngest, gas money for my oldest and some money for the flowers for my oldest son's girlfriend. My youngest paid for his flowers. Both boys paid for the tickets and dinners on their own for themselves and their dates.

I have written before that I think these dances take up a great deal of "mom time" and for a mom already pressed for time it is even more stressful. The place where I usually order the flowers had an earlier order cutoff than usual and I was later in ordering than usual too because my oldest son's girlfriend didn't decide on what dress to wear until the last minute - and you need to know the color in order to get the flowers. So I had to find another flower place and ended up just going to the local grocery store floral department and they turned out fine - not as nice as what we usually get but acceptable. I was proud of myself for not over stressing out as I raced around to the resale shop, dry cleaners and florist.

I was in negotiations with the nice young florist making up the flowers for about an hour because my youngest son's date's dress was an unidentifiable color - some shade between blue and purple. There were no ribbons or flowers that matched the dress color so we ended up going with a mixture of blue and purple. Thank goodness my oldest son's girlfriend requested red roses. That was easy.

My youngest son and I spent two, yes, a total of two hours at our Kohl's trying to match a tie to the color of the purple-blue dress. I really liked a purple tie better - it changed shades from blue to purple depending on where you stood! My poor son had to go out to the parking lot for reception showing pictures of the tie choices to various friends on his phone for their opinions. Unfortunately, his date, the one whose opinion really mattered was in cheerleading practice and couldn't be reached. We ended up getting the purple tie. But then my son took it to school the next day and his date wanted the blue one, so I ran back to Kohl's to make the exchange.

The entire time I was in Kohl's I just kept repeating to myself, "Yes, life!" This is due to Flo's suggestion a few posts back - thanks Flo! Yes, the whole homecoming week and dance are stressful, especially for an only mom, but the end result is that my sons had good times, have wonderful friends who are nice kids to hang out with and had a decent dinner out. I was so impressed with my youngest about the crazy tie ordeal. He just kept telling me that he wanted to make his date happy, she is really just a friend vs. a romantic interest. Although he could care less about the tie, its color or style, he wanted to please this girl and give her what she wanted because the dance meant more to her than it did to him.

My youngest wanted me to go to the photo session at one of our country clubs where my oldest and his crowd was eating, since he is a senior. He also said that he was going to the dance more as a favor to this girl as a friend. But he promised to get me photos. And I can go next years when he is a senior. There was some pressure after he got picked up for the dance and had to come back because he'd forgotten the dance tickets!

So I went to the country club where it seems we just were for Prom and this time my mood was much improved since I had taken an anti-anxiety pill beforehand. Going and being alone isn't fun period for me and it never will be but I wasn't as moody or grumpy and tried to smile and act lighter than I have in previous years.

So in the end, despite our living under reduced circumstances, and the stress and strain of me being an only parent, which I hate, my best was good enough. The boys had a worthwhile time, both looked very handsome and I didn't totally freak out in Kohl's! Now both boys tell me they are going to the Homecoming dance at our other school in town, in mid-October. Both boys have friends at both schools and my oldest son's girlfriend goes there. They have assured me this dance will be easier to get through. I guess being popular has its price. But I have a few weeks to recover and maybe this time I'll just place the flower orders now!

Discount Shoes and Discounted Groceries

Yesterday was pay day - both with the pension check and my pay from the nursing home. My youngest asked for a new pair of shoes for the summer. He had seen a pair of canvas slip-ons for $20.00 at Payless when he was out with friends. I took him there after school. They had a buy-one-get-one-half-off sale and I suggested he also pick out a pair of sandals and he did (cost us another $10.00).

I felt so sad and yet strangely happy at the same time during the shoe store excursion. Sad that my son is only getting a $20.00 pair of shoes, from a discount shoe store no less. But then happy that he was so grateful and pleased with the shoes and that he got a bonus pair besides.

After our shopping (which with boys is pretty much in and out quickly), I dropped him off and went to the store for something for dinner. My oldest complained when I told him we were having turkey hot dogs. He said he'd eaten hot dogs all weekend, whenever he'd gone to one of his friend's houses - all the dads were grilling!

So, I hit the store I frequent to see if there was anything on sale that I could prepare as an alternative. As I've mentioned in other posts, this store sells meat and dairy products for half price when they are at the expiration code. Yesterday, they had some gourmet skillet meals (chicken and pasta) for just $3.00 and I picked up two for the boys because they looked especially hungry. They were excited having just gotten their practice football equipment for summer camp.

I came home and made the pasta along with bagged salad (99 cents from ALDI) and while I was cooking gave the boys French bread with artichoke/cheese spread. It was such a nice meal and I felt proud of myself for being able to feed the boys until they were full and do it on such a limited budget.

The boys wanted to watch "America's Got Talent," which we have never followed. While they were watching I served them strawberry shortcake, the ingredients I'd picked up to have over the holiday weekend. But I never made it because the boys were never home - busy with friends, marching in the parade, plus I worked this weekend. Just seeing the boys scarf down their meals with appreciation meant a lot to me. To give them a little extra with the bread and spread, to have dessert.

I felt good as a mom - that despite the financial hardships, there are glimmers of hope in a new pair of inexpensive shoes and a filling meal. I don't often feel this way, like I'm doing an adequate job since we always seem so lacking. But I did feel a sense of pride in my abilities to stretch out a dollar and again am reminded of how in the end, happiness doesn't come from the amount that is spent. I was able to provide for the boys beyond the mere basics - stomachs and hearts were content as we watched t.v. together as a family.

Flowers

It was prom weekend for my oldest. A tough one for me because along with having to pay H & R Block, there were the expenses for tux rental, flowers, hair cut, gas, after prom party, etc. I was stressing a bit about that because the finances were really strained this month. But at the same time I wanted this to be special for my son so I couldn't freak out too much.

The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.

I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.

It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.

Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.

Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.

I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.

I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!

Taking Stock

I spent a little time yesterday going online and typing in the search descriptions "Surviving poverty" and "Becoming poor." I have been looking for a book along the lines of one of the Dummie titles - "How to be Poor, For Dummies" but haven't come across one. Yes, I need a guidebook for helping me get through this stretch of life.

My short research session was productive. Not in terms of providing me with any great new ideas for living on a very small income - I seem to be limping along here on my own fairly decently. But more productive in terms of changing my mindset.

For one thing, although we are probably what would be defined as poor, we are still not below that level of poverty where it would be impossible to be surviving right now. Granted, there is no extra money for anything much beyond the necessities but we are not homeless. We have never had to resort to eating bread soaked in milk which was one of the meals suggested for eating when there isn't any food in the pantry. Yuck!

I had the recent luxury of reading the classic tale of Madame Bovary in the comfort of a warm bed. Now I could still have read Madame Bovary as a homeless person, but the experience would not have been as pleasant.

Living in this Mecca of upper-middle class suburbia, poverty has always been hidden. And as a formerly financially comfortable middle-class mom, I am floundering to some extent into having been forced into a way of life that is unknown and challenging. Even more so when dealing with all of this alone. But in reading some of the encounters I came across, I am now more aware of the widespread nature of financial difficulties facing many good folks across the nation. Many whom are struggling because of job-loss circumstances.

It is interesting that I am finding many connections between grief and financial stress. I could come up with a long list but for now will just mention how both can make you feel invisible, inferior and like a second class citizen. There is also the factor of being in a down position and needing to ask for help. Living in a country based on self-sufficiency it can seem impossible to suddenly be thrust into a position where you have to speak up for yourself. The sad part is that when you do, you're looked down on. The stigma of being poor carries with it so much shame. To have to hold your head up when someone is looking at you with contempt and as if you were contagious is indescribable. My short foray into this world had shown me that few people have sympathy for those hard on their luck. "They got what they deserved because of their bad choices or lifestyle" seems to be the prevailing attitude. Or "If they had worked harder they wouldn't be in this mess." What I am really seeing is that underneath our layers of clothing, all of us are pretty much the same. We don't want a free ride and we want to work and contribute. We want a better life for our children and along the way we want to experience love and a little happiness.

It is absolutely crummy to not be able to travel anywhere or go out to eat. And there is a great deal of worry involved with juggling bills around and not having anything set aside for emergencies, much less figuring out how two kids will go to college in a couple of years. I'm not even going to bring up health insurance and medical worries here on top of everything else. But what I was left with after my research session was that most of those who related their stories of struggle went on to overcome them. They never forgot the hardship but their lives improved. No doubt ours will become substantially better as soon as I start working again. In the mean time, I am going to choose to view my circumstances as "Our Frugal Period" rather that one including the words " poor, impoverished or poverty."

It's okay. There are a lot of us out there right now being frugal.

I am grateful:

1. For a safe place to live.
2. For the safe, picturesque and pleasant community that surrounds our home.
3. For clam chowder soup.
4. That spring is on its way - Easter stuff is now up in the stores!
5. For all the sales and bargains I come across that make being frugal easier.

Love, Sacrifice and Gas Money

The following passage is from the current book I'm reading by Sandra Kring, "Thank You For All Things." I read it last night and it really struck a chord with me. Today I am finding that it relates to my situation:

"Oh, you know your father. First saving every penny for that sawmill, then for his retirement." Oma sighs. "Isn't that the way it goes, though? We get caught up in getting ahead, planning ahead, and for what? Whatever money he could have left at this point is useless to him. What does any of it matter in the end but who we loved and how we loved them."

I just really connect with that last sentence and know that after my husband died, I often thought that exact same thing.

This morning it is was very cold (frigid, single digits) and the van's heat was not blowing out. I was forced to take it in for an inspection. Turns out to be a faulty heating blower that will be fixed for $336.00. I suppose in the grand scheme of life this is not a major setback - I mean it is under $500.00. But when there isn't a fund in place to take care of unplanned emergencies, this cost is a fortune. This next month might be the one where we are eating PB & J for dinner three times a week. I'm gearing up for that.

I had to humble myself and ask the repair shop if they could hold my check until the 1st when the pension check is deposited. They were kind enough to agree to this. For that I am grateful. But now Sam has decided that due to this unexpected cost it is not a good idea for me to visit him this weekend, which had been planned for weeks. It is cost prohibitive to make the trip since between gas and tolls, the amount I spend to see him is about $80.00. Sam reminded me that when I made the decision to have the boys stay here for the school year, it was going to be a very tight financial sacrifice to do so.

I understand and appreciate his view. But I am sad about this. Both my boys will be gone this weekend, one on an overnight field trip and the other snowboarding with a buddy. As much as I long for peace and quiet, when I'm actually alone here I end up feeling very lonely. I'll try to make the best of it by going through boxes from the storage shed, organizing my financial papers and finishing my resume so I can start pounding the pavement bright and early Monday morning in a warm van, thank goodness!

However, there is still part of me that does not think staying home is the right decision. People need to connect on an emotional and physical level and it is a challenge to maintain a long-distance relationship. January has been a tough month for me and now I won't be seeing the number one person in my life whom I rely on for support. Conversing over the phone leaves a lot to be desired.

We'll be saving $80.00 but at what cost? To have me feeling disgruntled, hurt, semi-rejected and down this weekend. To have Sam's son need to go with him to work on Sunday for at least part of the day since I'm not there. And maybe even go with him on Saturday afternoon if he is not comfortable staying by himself.

Maybe it is because I know firsthand what this author set out so wisely in words. That in the end, our relationships and love matter more than the gas money. And maybe sometimes the sacrifice has to go in the other direction. Instead of saving the money, the sacrifice comes from spending it. Having written this post, I am left with the niggling feeling that the cost of saving $80.00 won't be worth it. There will be damage from putting off seeing one another, which raises another point - sometimes you have to spend money to save money because it ends up costing more to fix something broken than maintain it in the first place.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The kindness of small business owners allowing checks to be held til the 1st.
2. The fact that the needed van repair was only $336.00 - it could have been worse.
3. The warmth of hot towels fresh from the dryer.
4. The sun which made a pleasant appearance after hiding under the covers most of the month.
5. Electricity. As much as I am getting into burning candles, thank goodness I'm burning them with lights on and that I don't have to read by candlelight!

Spring Tease

The mild temperatures over the weekend and rain diminished our snow so there isn't much on the ground. All that is left are the remains of the towering piles from where the snowplows had to dump when plowing. It was so good to see the grass and ground - to smell the earth again. Yesterday it looked and felt like March. But today we are back to the cold and snow is in the forecast!

This reminds me of a tip I came across in regard to having to scrape your car in the snow. It suggested that you put paper bags over the windows to eliminate the cleanup. I tried this a few weeks back putting the paper bags over the front window of my van. Unfortunately, over the night most of the bags blew off so I had to scrape anyway. I came across another tip this weekend that suggested rubbing a raw onion half over the vehicle windows to prevent the formation of ice. So I am going to try that next along with the other suggestion I found that said to try garbage bags over the vehicle windows. I'll let you know if the plastic bags work better than the paper. Looks like there will be some more opportunities with snow coming.

Another interesting tip I read talked about the power of color to enrich our lives. During these gloomy and dark winter days, it suggested making a point of looking at red and orange items to lift our moods. Another suggestion was to put bowls of oranges, lemons and limes around with the scent of the oranges and lemons being especially energizing. Can't hurt and it is worth a try. I cleaned my bathroom yesterday with an orange cleaner and have to say it was very refreshing and vibrant. During my cleaning over the weekend, I "found" some of those adjustable gel air fresheners in holiday fragrances. I went ahead and put them all out and now our home smells great. You can get these air fresheners for a dollar on sale, even the name brands such as Renuzit. What a cheap luxury!

Although my funds are too limited right now to afford flowers, that was another hint recommended to lift winter doldrums. Buy a bunch for your home. Here is a cute idea I saw. You cut some slits into the tops off some lemons. Then you use the shell as a vase for small flowers. This next one is pretty clever too. Take a lace doily and cover with fabric stiffener. Shape the doily over a bowl to dry and when it is finished, you have a cute container. And you could use it to display some of that citrus fruit!

Luckily, none of us have been sick this winter. Surprisingly, we have all been extremely healthy in the years since my husband's death. I just don't "allow" myself to get ill and am lucky I have a strong resolve and immune system because I do think that stress can play havoc with our health. But here are two home remedies for colds I clipped out in case we need them before spring is really in bloom.

Sore Throat Soother to instantly relieve the pain and swelling:

Add 1 tsp. lemon juice and 1 Tbs. Listerine to a cup of water and gargle, 3-4 times a day.

Cold-Weather Cough Quieter:

Mix 1 Tbs. lemon juice with 1 tsp. honey and a pinch of cayenne pepper, then swallow. The lemon adds vitamin C and reduces inflammation. The honey is soothing and coats the throat. The pepper increases circulation.

Interesting that both home remedies contain lemon juice!

For flaky hair which comes with winter and dry scalp, gently work 1/4 cup mouthwash into the scalp for 30 seconds after shampooing. The mouthwash contains less alcohol than dandruff shampoos so is not as drying to hair.

To get out of bed more quickly and energized on these gloomy dark days, press the tip of your left pinkie to your left thumb; do the same with your right hand and hold both for two minutes. Apparently this is an acupressure point that stimulates the release of adrenaline.

I read yet again how the repetitive motions of knitting and crocheting reduce anxiety and relieve tension. I love doing both, especially in winter. I am making a point to have a project always going and in my tote bag so I can work some stitches while waiting to pick the boys up from school, etc. This weekend I whipped up a display for our door. It has been bothering me that all the doors in our building don't have wreaths or seasonal decorations. When I lived in our home changing the door decor was always something I enjoyed and I often made whatever was displayed. But all my decorations are somewhere in the storage shed and I wanted something seasonal. Remember the giant mitten I made for my son's girlfriend at Christmas? I took that pattern and crocheted two mittens in contrasting blue yarns. They are now on the door looking very cute hanging side-by-side. When I come to the door now, I feel part of my fun-loving and creative spirit greeting me. It is feeling good to have a part of me that has been buried the past months start to become alive again.

One last hint. To cure a broken heart: clean, organize, decorate. I've read this before. While our lives can be unpredictable and unruly, one of the things we can actually control is our home environment. By gaining mastery over our living areas, we have some say in how we are living and managing our losses. I may have had to leave my home, but that doesn't mean I have lost the ability to put up a decoration on my door to brighten the gloomy January days.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the van's heat and blower are still working.
2. That we have had enough food this month and have not had to resort to PB & J or Mac and Cheese.
3. For lint rollers.
4. For warm showers.
5. For duct tape, which has surprisingly many uses.

Give and Believe You Will Have More to Give

I am trying to be conscious of the concept of giving what I need in order to attract it back into my life. This is not that hard to attend to as I try to be a thoughtful and giving person in my daily life as much as possible. But it is hard from the standpoint of not thinking that I have much to give because my own pantry is bare.

I went to see Sam over the weekend, leaving after taking my state certified nursing exam, around 5:00 p.m. I had made sure that the boys had friends to sleepover with as I am not comfortable having them overnight on their own. The boys did not want to go with me as they had just finished finals week and it was a long weekend with the Martin Luther King holiday. There were activities planned with their friends to celebrate the end of the semester.

So I drove the four-hour trip even though I was very drained from the week of finals and my own exam. Part of the reason I went to see Sam was that he had his son visiting and on Sunday had to work. My being there would avoid having to get a babysitter and/or bring his son to work with him for at least part of the day. If I can help out and give a helping hand I'll do so. I want to. It is positive to feel useful and valuable.

Being at Sam's gave me an opportunity to have a bit of a break from parenting my boys. I had the time to do some knitting and reading which translates into huge relaxation for me. Sam's son is 11-years-old and no trouble to be around. He enjoys playing his computer and video games on his own and is a pleasure to interact with.

When I left on Monday morning, Sam let me take home the leftover food he had picked up for his son's visit. This included milk, Hawaiian punch, 2 boxes of Little Debbie snacks, fruit snacks, french fries, bread, yogurt, hot dog buns, a box of Cheese crackers and 2 mini fruit pies. In addition, he let me have some bath tissue, a roll of paper towels, liquid dish soap, a can of peas, a stick of butter and even a new stick of deodorant from a two-pack since my oldest was out. Now this offering was really like hitting the mother load! We are really strapped and I am not buying items like cookies or snacks for the boys. When I started putting the items away at home, my youngest joked that it was better than the food pantry (sad to joke about this - sadder that it is true). To be able to have fresh items in the home like bread, milk, juice and yogurt is a gift.

I was and am grateful for these things. It cost me $45.00 in tolls and gas one way to make the trip. Sam provided me with this amount also for the return trip. I wish I did not have to rely on him for the gas money to get back home but this was a very lean month, especially with having to pay the speeding ticket for my son - that had to come out of the grocery budget.

I would like to believe that my helping Sam out with being there for his son resulted in my sons receiving some nice snacks that they would not have ordinarily. I didn't make the trip expecting to go home with anything other than some dish soap so it was the bounty was a nice surprise for me too. Just the milk alone, since the boys are going through a gallon every two days.

Yesterday, Sam called me to ask a favor. He was $80.00 short in his checking account and the mortgage payment was being taken out today. Because he now lives out of state, banking has become a little problematic. He would have had to leave work at noon in order to drive to Illinois and make a deposit. Sending a check by overnight mail was not an option since an out-of-state check takes longer to clear - he needed the cash deposited in his account. Fortunately, there is a branch of his bank in my town and very fortunately I still had (barely) $80.00 in my own account to withdraw. Even though I am cutting it very close with finances, I wanted to assist him because I could - it was a tight squeeze but it was the better option than Sam having to leave work early and drive 8 hours, not to mention the gas expense. Sam kindly reimbursed me the $80.00 and added another $20.00 which he sent out by Fed-X, so except for me worrying a bit that my own balance is low, all is good.

At least I know that even in such dire times I can still get someone out of a jam. And I hope that the spirit of caring and sharing that was created this weekend will continue to flow. Sam mentioned that we are a good team together - that too.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Being given opportunities to help someone out. This is very important when you're struggling yourself and don't think that you have anything to give. It is not true to believe this - there are ways to give other than financial. But it is ironic that I was even able to help out financially!
2. All fresh food - the basics: milk, bread, butter, yogurt, eggs, fruit. I don't think I will ever again take for granted a simple loaf of bread or carton of milk.
3. The bag of Gala apples I was able to buy at ALDI for only $1.29!
4. The grocery store, ALDI. This chain sells at a considerable savings. I am shopping there almost exclusively because of the deals.
5. That the heating blower in the van started blowing again after it appeared to not be working. If it can just hold up another month I'll be even more grateful!

Wanting And Needing (Ode To A Calendar)

I am not a winter person and especially find January bleak and uninspiring. The only thing that salvages this time of year, in my opinion, it that we can start off with a fresh calendar and/or datebook. I always enjoy browsing the huge display of calendars that they put out in the book stores starting in October and usually by this time have purchased several. I have to have a datebook to carry in my bag or purse that sets out the boys' sports schedules, important phone numbers, etc. Then I like to have one with pretty pictures to hang in the kitchen. For the bedroom and my desk, I've always loved those page-a-day ones and have gotten them with knitting, crochet, water color painting, origami, cross stitch themes and so on. And oftentimes I'd give one of the boys a calendar of their favorite sports team as a Christmas gift.

If I am remembering correctly, I came across the figure a few years back that there are more than 300 different calendar themes to choose from. By now, maybe that number is up to 500! Talk about something for everyone - birds, cooking, gardening, puzzles, flowers, cute baby animals, The Far Side, jokes, nature... When you think about it, it is kind of amazing to have that much choice and selection. But also at the same time another in-your-face reminder of how our society operates - people will buy more, if there is more to buy. Boy, don't I know that being tempted to get more than one in the past. I remember those days when I was a kid and there were only a few designs to select from. It has almost gotten out-of-hand with too much product on the shelf, no matter what section of the store you are in. I once counted the soap dispensers available at Target and it was over 30!

Anyway, it has been a tough couple years financially. I have bit the bullet and strived to use and make do with what I already have. I came across the huge calendar displays at various times over the fall and resisted my impulse to at least get one of the page-a-days with the knitting or crochet theme since those are my hobbies. But alas, while I can hold off on buying new clothes and such, a calendar is one of those items that is non-usable. It needs to be replaced every year. So I went to Barnes & Noble earlier in the week to obtain a datebook. I'd been organizing my purse and records inspired by that surge we get come Jan. 1, and determined that a datebook is not something I can survive without.

I live in a big metropolitan area and the stores around here sell out of their stock quickly. The remaining calendar selection was slim but I found one that I liked with a design of birds that was cute and it was only $4.00, half price (plus I got another member discount so all was good). I had hoped to find one of the knitting or crochet page-a-days left but there were not any. This ended up disappointing me so the next day I went to another larger book store to see if they had any. They did not.

I was surprised at how much this started to bother me. I wanted one of these calendars and regretted not getting one earlier. They feature almost daily knitting/crochet patterns and pack a lot of bang into your buck. You're basically getting 100+ patterns for just $16.00 (full cost). I was disappointed and could have lived with not having one of those calendars this year - so be it - it wasn't the year for excess spending, think ahead to next year. But then I remembered that in past years they've had those stores in the mall that solely sell calendars at this time. So I said, "What the heck," I'll make a quick run to the mall and check it out.

Along with winter, I'm not a mall person. Just don't enjoy going to them and haven't for many years. I prefer hitting the smaller strip malls or to order by catalog. I was on a mission - to see if there was a calendar store and to get in and out as soon as possible. I entered the mall through a large department store and have to say that I did gaze longingly at the cute pajamas they had on sale for 70% off. Then when I walked through the fragrance section, I did think about how nice it would be to be able to afford a new scent. But for the time being I am doing okay using what I already have. And it does ultimately end up feeling better to use what I have!

Just a short distance away from this store was the calendar store and I purchased two page-a-day ones. I got the last knitting one they had and the crochet one, of which there were several. They were half-price so I paid $16.00 for both. I figure that ends up to be about 5 cents a day for a whole lot of enjoyment throughout the year. When I put the cost factor into it, I was able to justify the purchase. Making this purchase was also more meaningful because of the savings, as well as the fact that I'd had to search for the product after making the conscious decision that it was something that I really wanted and would miss if I didn't have. In the past, I'd just pick up one of the calendars back in October - it was a taken for granted, almost mindless purchase. This time is different. I am grateful that I found the calendars and that I'll be able to enjoy them all year. And again I am struck by the reality that it is often the little things that end up meaning the most. I also recently read that "the high" we obtain from material items is very short-lived. I found that once I got out of the sleepware and frangrance departments, I didn't really have any desire for pjs or a new bottle of perfume. Out of sight, out of mind.

Part of me wrestles with whether I should have restrained myself from making this purchase. After all, it wasn't entirely necessary. The datebook was what I really needed. But then I go back to the 5 cents a day cost and tell myself that indeed, it is worth that small cost. Even in the middle of struggles, whatever they may be, there have to be ways that we can treat ourselves and nurture our souls.

Today I am grateful that:

1. The snowstorm wasn't as bad as predicted.
2. Already the worst week of the entire year (in my opinion) is over!
3. There was one knitting calendar left and I got it.
4. The boys are getting caught up with their school work.
5. I don't have to shovel myself out as I did when I was a homeowner (at least one perk to renting).

Christmas Past and Present

The circumstances of the past few months have resulted in my not decorating in any way. There is nothing up yet at either Sam's home or my apartment. It is the first year I have never not celebrated or tried to pull together some sort of seasonal spirit.

My decorations and numerous trees are buried in two storage sheds and I am just not motivated to make or buy anything. I've run out of time for making decorations and money is beyond tight. My heart has not been in this year's holiday at all. There was just too much going on finishing my Asst. Nursing class and then moving out of state to get the kids enrolled in the new school right after Thanksgiving.

I can't believe it is only a week before Christmas now! If the boys were younger, I would be more concerned about the trimmings and decorations. I used to go all out. Every year I would have a different theme for the tree and sometimes had three or four in the house. I made many homemade decorations and ornaments, knitted wreaths, baked tons of cookies and breads. The boys got many presents. On display was my large collecion of antique Santas. Holiday music was played all day and the house was filled with good scents.

The memories I am recalling are making me smile because I did create some beautiful ones for my family. And that includes Husband #2 with a tree that was white with all blue ornaments and blue lights. But I am also a bit sad that this holiday is one that is turning out to be so sparse.

We are thankfully going to my girlfriend's for Christmas and her home will have a tree. We'll have to get our holiday fix there. I need to knit some scarves for gifts. I will put up Sam's little fiber optic tree tomorrow and we'll treat it as a joke. I have some stained glass window designs that can be colored and maybe I can request that the boys and Sam make one so I can hang them in the picture window. I can bake something, even one item from a mix, say gingerbread and we can have it warm from the oven with popcorn and hot chocolate while we watch my favorite movie, "Love Actually." Maybe I can get some little gifts from the dollar store and wrap them so the boys have a pile of something to open.

My oldest was born in early December and in the early years of my marriage, life was so hectic at the holidays, my husband and I celebrated with gifts on New Year's Eve. One year, when my oldest had been hospitalized with Impetigo/Chicken Pox and I was pregnant with my second, the tree wasn't even put up until Dec. 26th! I am laughing as I think about that memory. Perhaps years from now I will look back and recall this as an unconventional holiday that still got celebrated. A little time remains to come up with some ideas.

But this season will be one of extreme simplicity and restraint. Has anyone else noticed as have I, that there aren't as many decorations out at the shopping centers? Guess I'm not the only one cutting back this year. I do take back my first statement about there being nothing up at either residence. Sam put up some snowmen, including one I crafted last Christmas and gave him as a gift.

Corn Pudding

In my old life before widowhood, I was one of those over-involved PTA moms. I worked part-time and spent at least 10 hours at the grade school my boys attended weekly. I worked in the library one afternoon, assisted in the classroom another, tutored reading, collated, stapled and distributed the weekly newsletter, headed the monthly food drive as well as other committees (Yearbook, Health & Safety, Fun Fair, etc.). At the holidays I coordinated the room parties and made goodie bags for all the kids. I baked my share of treats for various events (cake walk), gave the teachers generous presents and was a very visible face always willing to give a helping hand.

Flash forward to the present. My Certified Nursing Assistant Program ends this week and a party with the 32 students was planned. We were all supposed to bring a dish for a pot luck lunch. My heart wasn't in making anything. Things are just too crazy right now. I thought about picking up a nice platter of holiday cookies or brownies. But in the end tried to come up with a dish that would be very simple and quick to make. I decided on corn pudding because I associate corn with Thanksgiving and I love the dish. My huge cookbook collection never got unpacked so I went online to see what I could come up with. I found the Jiffy Corn Bread recipe for Corn Casserole and went with it because it doesn't get much simpler than that.

Jiffy Corn Casserole

1 can whole kernel corn undrained
1 can creamed style corn
1 stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. sugar
8 oz. sour cream
Small box of Jiffy Corn Meal Muffin Mix

Mix all ingredients together. Pour in slightly greased pan or pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

I got up today at 5:00 a.m. to make this dish before class. Sadly, it was not a hit at the party. The spread, however, was wonderful since we have a group of such diversity. Many prepared dishes from their native lands. Everyone went around wanting the rest of us to try their dishes. I know many of the other students have only been in our country a short while and are struggling financially. But they really cooked enough to feed an army as they used to say. I enjoyed potato salad from Peru, grape leaves, chicken kabobs, cheese blintzes from Ukraine, egg rolls, fried rice, pot stickers, ham, salad, pizza. It was a feast and I even went back for seconds as most of us did. I was so glad I made my lowly corn casserole (or pudding as we always called it at my house) because it was a contribution. Anyway, now I am eating it for my dinner and I have to say it is pretty tasty. I should have made more of an effort to get the others to try a taste.

I also realized after having such a great time at this little party, how much I have been missing small pleasures in my life. Widowhood can be isolating and now that I am getting back into the work force, I'll have an opportunity to increase my social network. I also need to make more of an effort to get out or do more for myself. The past months have been difficult and this was a break in the storm clouds. It has never taken much to please me - I'm not a diamond ring kind of gal - for me it is all about simple pleasures. Good food, some wine, intelligent conversation and interesting friends. I needed this party in my life right now - it revived me - it was fun - I forgot about my troubles for a bit and had a good time.

My sons got a big laugh when I came home and told them no one had eaten my dish. Gone are the days when I could and would go overboard with baking, cooking, volunteering and so on. But I am glad I was able to compromise and find a balance in being able to do something, rather than nothing. I found an inexpensive and easy dish to prepare - I made the effort - I was part of the team.

More balancing - our clinical instructor told us on Sunday that we need to bring some sort of breakfast to the last class next Sunday to thank the nurses and CNAs who have worked with us. I have to say that I was a little put off by this - I always think such actions need to be presented as voluntary and not dictated. The student organizing this asked to collect $3.50 from the 10 of us. I thought about this and felt the amount was too much to ask for donuts and coffee so I gave what was affordable to me, $2.00. In the old days, BHD (Before Husband's Death) I would have just gone with the flow and put in the $3.50. But I'm not the same person I was, nor am I in the same position. And it felt good to do something on my terms for a change.

$7.00 Dinner

A day before payday and $7.00 left for dinner. Went to the grocery store and wandered up and down the aisles for inspiration. $7.00 is just not enough. Nothing was inspiring me. I went to my favorite section of the store (the discounted meat they put out in a small area) and the only thing they had that looked okay was a package of ground pork for $1.99. After wandering around some more, I hurried back for that package with a plan to incorporate it with items already in the pantry. I also picked up a loaf of garlic bread which was $2.99. I could have gotten a loaf for $2.50 but got the one my family prefers. Had $2.00 left and wanted to get some kind of cookies for the boys for dessert. Nothing for that amount in the cookie/cracker aisle. I checked out the slice and bake varieties and got one of those although it was $2.50. I actually had to dig on the bottom of my purse to come up with the change for the tax!

So, what did I end up making? A great homemade spaghetti sauce with two cans of Italian style tomatoes to which I added onion, garlic, pepper flakes, Italian seasoning, olive oil, Parmesan cheese and salt. Simmered for 30 minutes and served with some Italian green beans and the garlic toast. Now I'll make the chocolate chip cookies. Warm from the oven and with glasses of milk that will be a nice finish to the meal.

The boys were very approving of my sauce and went back for seconds. Although we had meals out on Thur. and Sun., the rest of the weekend we made do with turkey hot dogs and chicken patties. It feels good to be thrifty, resourceful, creative and a decent cook when I do cook.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the sound of crickets at night this time of year.
2. For the Recession-busting lower prices at the stores. The manager at the Chicago-area chain I was at today made an announcement over the intercom and said that they are trying to help with the lower prices because of the tougher times we're ALL facing. I liked that all-inclusive acknowledgment.
3. For being able to feed the boys another month.
4. For cool sheets and pillow cases but a warm comforter on top.
5. For kids who tell you they've finished their homework.

50th Birthday

I turned 50 on Thursday and here is a rendition of that day because it turned out pretty well, considering. I don't normally pay a lot of attention to birthdays but felt that this day deserved some, especially because of all that has happened in the past years. The mere fact that I have gotten through some pretty trying life experiences deserves some recognition. I do want to add to this celebration by doing some activities for myself when time and money permit. I've been composing a list of 50 Things to Give Myself, which include activities like treating myself to a movie out (or even a video at home), going bowling, etc. I'll devote more time to that after the sale of the house and move.

Thursday -
Since I worked until closing at the store and didn't get home until 11:30 on Wednesday and then to bed at 2:00 in the morning, after getting the boys off to school I allowed myself to go back to bed and awakened at 10:00. Now sleeping in is such a rare treat that it felt very luxurious to do so! Then I showered and dressed in a nice outfit from my less financially strained days - an outfit from Talbot's of cotton madras casual blazer with denim walking shorts. I wanted to look nice on this day and dressing up a bit did that for me.

I hit our cute, quaint downtown to visit two shopkeepers I've befriended over the years. I haven't seen them all summer and had to catch up with them about selling the house, moving and all. It was also nice to browse at the Yarn Shop and Antiques Store. Another customer at the yarn shop (it was her 30th b-day) exclaimed that I do not look 50, which is true. I've held up pretty well physically - something I find amazing because there has been a lot of stress in the years since my husband's death. My oldest shared at his school lunch table that I was 50 and his friends said, "No way, she only looks 38!" At least I have that going for me!

I dropped off some bags at the local resale shop and also checked out their merchandise. Then I went for a browse at JoAnn's and Michael's. Didn't buy anything but got the free project sheets and an idea to make a blanket out of scarves. I then browsed at the Used Bookstore and did put out 50 cents for a back issue of Country Living Magazine, the big purchase of the day!

I did some grocery shopping to tide us over the weekend and included in the cart a variety of cupcakes. I hesitated on a cake. The cupcakes would be easier to share with my girlfriend and her family at dinner. Some of the cakes looked so tasty though. Maybe I will get one after we've moved and are settled a bit. That will be cause for another celebration.

My girlfriend picked the boys and I up at six and took us out for dinner along with her three kids. She was very insistent in wanting to treat all of us together since she and I frequently go out on our own. The kids all wanted to go to Chili's but it was very crowed as were all the restaurants around the mall area. We couldn't get over how jammed the parking lots were. But as I've noted before, in this town there just doesn't seem to be a recession or people hurting financially!

We ended up at a Mexican Restaurant, not my first choice but as my oldest consoled, "Mom, you'll get a drink so it'll be okay." And it was. Everyone had plenty to eat and we indulged in the chips and salsa asking for seconds. I was given a big desert on the house, which I shared around the table. My girlfriend gave me a lovely card and a gift certificate for $50.00 from Kohl's. She said she hoped I'd buy some clothing for myself. We laughed about both of us needing new bras. I've gone a year with really only one good one. She did the same the past year with two pretty old ones until her daughter saw them and insisted she get new ones at Victoria's Secret.

When I thanked my friend for her kindness and generosity, she reminded me of everything I've done over the past years for her and others. She said I am one of the most generous people she knows and I deserved her gift. It was nice to hear those words and to be reminded of things I've done in the past that have been forgotten.

After dinner, it was funny when the time came to pass around the cupcakes and I discoved that the kids had already eaten the cookie and cream ones while we paid the bill at the restaurant!

I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the day I harbored hopes that my ex-husband would send good wishes of some kind. He is the kind of guy who would have presented me with 50 roses in a bouquet. The last email correspondence I had from him was on July 23rd. There was no contact which was bittersweet for me. I know for me that it is personally agonizing to say goodbye to anything - be it a relationhip or possession. I have difficulty throwing newspapers out if I haven't yet read them! And my therapist and I have discussed how the issues of my second marriage and ex-husband tie in so closely with my family-of-origin background that I still struggle with. Wrapped up in all of this is the fact that my ex-husband and I never spoke until recently about the divorce. He filed for divorce without telling me (I had to find out by calling the court house in his county). He also never said goodbye to my sons. So on one hand he would have given me an extravagant 50th birthday gift, but is unable to communicate which is of course far better to have in a relationship than any object.


But I guess the point of my honest admission here is that despite my trying to make the best of the day, there were still some ghosts from the past haunting me. Yet, I was able to put them aside and fashion out a day that was significant and meaningful, plus fun on this milestone birthday. I should add that my brother called me and left a voice message on my cell phone when I was out and about. I did not hear it ring or would have spoken with him. My sister had sent me a birthday card the day before.

The memories of Thursday continue to glow in my heart so in the end no roses were necessary.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the boys seem to have settled back into school successfully.
2. That the appraisal and survey have been completed and all is on track for the house closing.
3. For the new front of cooler weather we're having - thank goodness this summer was a cooler one. (I prefer colder weather but NOT the SNOW).
4. For the rainy day on my birthday. The rain just has a beauty of its own.
5. For all that my friend did for me to celebrate a milestone birthday.

A bunch of flowers in a one liter plastic soda bottle

A friend was kind and thoughtful enough to give me a bunch of flowers last Saturday and they have lasted the entire week and are still going strong. He purposely chose a bunch of five flowers that had three that were still unopened. That was a great idea because it extended the life of the flowers and it was fun to see them open up a little each day. I put the flowers on my dining room table and that resulted me in having to clean off the table (covered with paperwork) and then keep it clean the rest of the week. This was smart on my part because it committed me to keeping at least one area of my home (yes, a very small one but one none the less) uncluttered.

The first few days the flowers made the whole room smell like Spring. Every time I walked past them I felt happier and thought favorably of my friend. He will not know how much his gesture meant to me or how much it really gave to me throughout the week. At times I marveled at how a simple bunch of inexpensive flowers could result in so much good but they did. I made a point of eating at the dining room table and doing my paperwork there too. Everything in the room seemed to perk up a bit - the tired, old furniture looked less worn.

I packed up all my nice crystal vases in anticipation of moving and have never unpacked them so had no vase in which to put the flowers. I ended up using a one liter plastic soda bottle and the flowers still looked beautiful. Somehow I liked the flowers even more because they were in that makeshift vase. I became inspired to crochet and then felt a covering to go over the bottle so future flowers will look a little more classy. I enjoyed selecting a yarn from my stash and finding a pattern. Those flowers took me in many directions including getting me to sit down and take a few minutes out of the past few days to work on my vase.

It is hard not to be able to currently indulge in "little pretties" that I so much took for granted just a year ago. No more running to Bath and Body Works for a new Spring fragrance or "tossing" a bunch of flowers in the cart while I'm shopping for weekly groceries. Not having these expected luxuries made the unexpected flowers worth that much more. I want to promise myself that when things get better and stabilize financially, that I will always have a bunch of flowers on the table.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the man who gave me the flowers.
2. For simple gestures that result in huge payoffs.
3. For the gift of the flowers which ended up inspiring me, comforting me, giving me hope and becoming a beacon of beauty in a home where there is so much worry and uncertainty.

A trip to the store when you're poor

Yesterday, I ended up getting $260.00 back on my debit card and $40.00 in cash for returning nine clothing items at Talbot's (not recent purchases - purchased over the past two years when I had money to blow at an upscale woman's clothing store).

Today, I went to the grocery store for items to make dinner. I planned on a chicken chili because there is chicken in the freezer and I want to use some nice sourdough bread bowls purchased last week. If they are not used soon, they'll be too hard. So off to the grocery needing milk, vegetable cooking oil, onions, peppers, stewed tomatoes, cheese, sour cream and cat food. My total bill came to $22.88. I agonized in front of the canned tomatoes trying to find a better deal but the ones I needed were $1.99 a can (and I needed two). The same thing in front of the cooking oil. As it is, I usually buy the house brand. I couldn't believe that oil is around $6.00 a bottle but I got the cheapest and smallest size for $3.00. When did it go up in price?

What really got me about this shopping trip though was the feelings I was experiencing about wanting items and not being able to afford them. For some odd reason I saw a box of Hostess Ding Dongs and wanted them, although that is not typically something I would even consider buying for the boys. The fact that a box was on sale for $2.50 made it even more desirable. Then there were sugar cookies decorated with the face of President Elect Obama and I was tempted because they were so unique and cute. But at $3.99 a box I could not justify the purchase and I also was not sure I wanted to be eating the head of our new President (even before he is sworn in!). I just thought they'd be a fun treat for the boys.

When you're poor you can't afford those little extras we all seem to take for granted when the funds are plentiful. And not being able to afford such little treats makes me feel deprived and even worse about my situation - really not being able to to spend a mere $2.50. So that is just an observation about my situation and how quickly I have come to have feelings of deprivation.

Today I am thankful:

1. That the cold spell lifted and the sun is out. 22 degrees feels like spring!
2. That at least we'll have a good/filling dinner tonight.
3. That I have come out of my dark mood to a less hopeless mindset.

A better mood

The boys asked for some spending money today and it was terrible to tell them that I could not give them any. Then I rounded up a bagful of pennies and ran them over to the bank ending up with $18.74 so each boy got $9.00 for a movie out with friends. I was proud of my resourcefulness and that I did not have to disappoint them. Next time I might not be able to come up with a way to obtain a few dollars.

I was lucky to be taken out to dinner two nights in a row (yesterday and today). My dark mood has lifted somewhat - I was able to enjoy both dinners, what a treat! Driving home tonight we went past the two homes of my childhood and the memorial for my late husband. I was very moved to see all these places. They were a reminder of how far I have come and how much I have endured as well as inspiration that life does carry on. People move, grow up, survive tragedy.

Today I am thankful:

1. That even in the middle of hardship there can be pleasures like dinners out.
2. For the special people in my life who have stood by my side through this difficult time.
3. For the magic just one drink with dinner can accomplish.
4. For being able to look forward to tomorrow because it will involve time spent with someone dear.
5. For recognizing that time spent with someone just putting away holiday decorations can be better than any expensive dinner or receiving flowers!

More thoughts on hair cuts

As I admired my great looking hair today, (I may be poor but at least my hair looks good), I thought about how this subject relates to so much more in life, specifically in regard to poverty. Although I was trying to be conscientious by not getting my hair cut to save money, this tactic was actually detrimental. Having straggly hair meant I was having to use more product to style it as well as more time to do so. I also wasn't getting that lift you feel when you look in the mirror and know that you're looking good. This same principal can be applied elsewhere. When you're scrimping for funds there is nothing left over to keep up the house and by the time repairs can be made they end up being more costly and difficult. Not being able to replace clothing means having to mend them (which takes time) as well as looking shabbier. I put off going to the doctor for my routine checkup and I am thankful that there were no problems because if there had been it would have been worse because of the time I had waited. The same could be said for car maintenance. I'm not sure what the solution is because when you don't have money you don't have money. Maybe it is just to be aware that sometimes you have to spend money to save money and to not feel guilty for getting a hair cut or buying one of the boys a new pair of jeans because you are sick of mending them!

Today I am thankful:

1. That my boys and I are healthy.
2. That my van with 96,000 miles is still running pretty decently.
3. That I have a number of very close, dear girlfriends who have supported me during my dark times and been there for me when no one else was.