Everyone Has Their Problems

All gourds are not the same even if they are all gourds - just like "problems."

I've been wanting to write about the subject of this post for awhile now. How so often during my widowhood I've heard the comment that "Everyone has their problems." It is one of those platitudes I have grown to hate. And another platitude I have come to disbelieve. First of all, why are platitudes tossed around so freely, especially at the newly widowed? Over and over I heard that one about time healing all things. Yet the people telling me these words had never been widowed so how would they know? Actually, I have come to think that the platitudes exist because people are uncomfortable dealing with us and our loss. Platitudes are handy lines in people's back pockets when they struggle to come up with something to say. They sound encouraging and helpful. But I have found them to be empty and meaningless for the most part.

I find the "Everyone has their own problems" response actually very dismissive to us. It is a put down that glosses over the issues and pain we may be dealing with. It implies that we are wrong to focus on ourselves and our own immediate problems. It has always made me feel guilty and upset with myself whenever someone has said it to me. I end up feeling like I'm not strong enough to handle my own conflicts and that I shouldn't tell anyone about my real emotions. Which of course is all bunk. Because the number one healthy thing a person grieving can do is to relate their feelings to others or through blogging, journaling, grief groups or individual therapy. And what the grieving really need more than anything is acknowledgment of where they are and what they are feeling and dealing with. People giving platitudes aren't listening or responding to what we're saying. Too bad that when people tell us a platitude they really think they're giving good advice. They can rest easy that they have done their part without too much discomfort, effort, or thought on their part.

But now on to the actual meaning behind "Everyone had their problems." Of course, everyone does. Widows had problems before they were widowed. We got into fights with our spouses, money was tight, kids acted up, there were conflicts with co-workers. Yes, we know all this and we've been there. However, comparing widowhood to a "problem" doesn't cut it in my book. How can you compare the totality of the widowhood experience and life with someone stressed out by their kitchen remodeling job? Or with the tension that comes from someone deciding to go back to school or start a new job. Yes, caring for aging parents is a drain. I've been there with both of mine as a widow no less, so there wasn't a hubby to share household or child rearing responsibilities with as I also took on those with my parents.

Widowhood involves loss after loss - loss of identity, loss of a life partner, loss of a best friend, loss of a co-parent, loss of a social network, loss of a financial position, loss of status, loss of a helpmate, loss of a sexual partner, and even more. Other "problems" that widowhood is lumped with don't involve losses, e.g., going back to school is an overall gain. My experience has proven that losses are harder to bounce back from because not only is there the grief to deal with, then there is the job of having to rise back up from the loss. Something is taken away leaving one with less than they had before. Therefore they aren't as whole as they once were. And that takes on another whole aspect of having to readjust to a very new discombobulated life.

Well, that is my two cents on this matter. Widowhood is a very complex, intense situation with multiple layers, stages and dimensions. It is a totally unique experience for each person faced with its reality. It is far more complicated a "problem" as compared to other problems although the statement "everyone has their problems" implies an equal rating for the life transitions faced by people. Going back to school, having a toddler, getting the kitchen remodeled, feeling the strain of starting a new job are all time relative transitions. But widowhood isn't over in the two years it usually takes to get a master's degree, as I can attest. Many of us are dealing with issues years past the death of our spouses that are offshoots of this initial loss.

I know people who say these platitudes really can't have a comprehension of the total widowhood experience. Because if they did, they'd never spout them off in the first place.It would be nice though to encounter more people in our lives who take the time to put some thought into what they say. But I guess that would involve really contemplating the lives widows face and live. Not what people want to think about or imagine. But I hope that people's understanding will increase in the future.

Grief vs. Restructuring

This may be the most important post I ever write on this blog. I'm reading the new grief book that has been in the news, Ruth Davis Konigsberg's, "The Truth About Grief." Basically, the author asserts that new research, of which there is not a whole lot, points to the fact that "most" people suffering a loss can "get through it" in the course of six months to a year without extensive therapy, endless blogging or "walking into the pain." I won't dispute this assertion. In my case, the day my husband died I knew he was gone. I did mourn for him but never longed for him after his death because I knew he was gone. So why have I resorted to blogging and detailing my life as a widow?

This book in one small paragraph mentions the "restructuring" that widows and widowers have to go through after the death of their spouse. This involves creating new lives as singles, only parenting if there are kids, creating new identities, having to learn new skills, handling new tasks, dating again and so on. This is all referred to as restructuring. I have called it secondary grief losses in previous posts but I think restructuring is a far more descriptive term.

I think what happens is that most people do probably get through the grieving portion of a loss but then get tripped up on the restructuring part. At least that is how I'd describe it in my life. I really have had a challenging time in picking up the pieces and going forward. My restructuring skills haven't been that strong and dealing with financial issues stemming from a recession and more loss from failed relationships hasn't helped.

So some people may see my struggling as grief but I do believe that has long passed and what is really at issue is the fact that I've just had a tough time living and raising my sons on my own. Just one small paragraph is a book. Funny, when I first went to therapy it had nothing to do with grieving for my husband but figuring out what I was going to do with my job - whether to quit because the hours were unsuitable for my life as an only parent.

Anyway, that is my take on it. And I guess holding this perspective I'd hope that there may be more emphasis on how to help people like me better handle the restructuring aspect of widowhood because so many years later I'm still in the thick of it with not a whole lot of light at the end of the tunnel. I keep looking for that light though...

A Tale of Two Pantries - In Two Parts

Last month, someone gave me the name of a "marvelous" food pantry in a neighboring, larger city where the clients get to choose their own food. I decided to check it out even though after I looked at the web site, I saw that I would not qualify for services since this pantry operates under strict Federal income guidelines - with the pension, we are about $300.00 over the amount that would entitle us to food stamps or emergency food assistance at some pantries.

When I got to the place, it reminded me of a warehouse like Sam's Club. The bread section alone looked like a bakery. There was an abundance of food and about 75 people ahead of me waiting for a turn to choose their food. I was seen earlier since I mentioned right away that my income was higher than the client requirement. The director of the pantry, an elegant, attractive woman of about 60, sympathized with me but said I would only be able to receive what they termed the limited assistance they provide to those with higher incomes. She said that at one time in her life she was in a situation very similar to mine. I asked her what she did to survive, and she replied, "Just what you are already doing, creative meal planning, scrimping, etc."

The food I would be entitled to that day included my choice of 10 items from three shelves. On these shelves were the following items: canned beef stew, chili beans, off brand chicken & rice soup, off brand tomato soup, peanut butter (no jelly) and off brand toasted oat cereal. You can imagine my dismay at this selection because this is what I get visiting my local pantry. But I went ahead and took some of the soup, beans and peanut butter. We don't eat beef so no stew - there aren't a lot of other options as we are such a beef eating country but a can of tuna would have been appreciated.

They threw in some extra items - four loaves of bread and two desserts, including 24 cupcakes decorated in a Thanksgiving theme which was very nice - half chocolate, half vanilla - we still have 4 left. They also offered me a bag of apples and carrots and even provided me with a frozen smoked turkey when they found out we don't eat beef so I didn't leave empty handed. But it was disappointing, especially looking at the massive shelves of available food and even the sign on a stack of Hamburger/Tuna Helper that said clients could take up to six! And people living in this city get to go to the pantry twice a month (those living elsewhere, once).

At the pantry I go to, I receive pretty much the same fare each time which includes: a can of tuna (sometimes), 2 boxes of mac & cheese, dried beans, rice, a box of instant potatoes, a bottle of cooking oil, pancake mix, syrup, canned spaghetti sauce, spaghetti noodles, 2-4 cans of soup, peanut butter, jelly, and a can or two of fruit and vegetables. Sometimes there is bread and meat - sometimes, not always. Every other month I can receive a box of powder laundry detergent sold at the dollar store for a dollar - this is what I buy anyway, I am so cheap. Once in awhile there will be something extra like a box of taco shells, cheese or fresh vegetables, e.g., being able to take 3 small baked potatoes. There are days after going to this pantry that I wonder why I even go. Then I feel bad for not being grateful at what I received. I thought it was me until one time I overheard a young woman saying how little had been received. "That's all?"

It's hard eating mashed potatoes without gravy or a meat accompaniment. I currently have more canned soup and peanut butter in the pantry than I want to look at (17 jars of peanut butter), along with 8 boxes of mac & cheese even though we eat a few boxes every week. There is just so much chicken noodle soup you can eat. There is definitely no variety and a terrible lack of fresh food items. And I despise lentil beans. So a lot of this stuff has just remained in the pantry. I try to come up with recipes that will use some of items and I have left some in the laundry area of my building to pass on. But it is clear that even if someone had only this selection of items to eat, that it wouldn't last more than a few meals anyway. This pantry allows you to go only once a month, so how do poor people get through the rest of the month? I've heard of pantry hopping.

Which gets me to wondering, how does this pantry in the other town have so much more and a better variety than the one in my town? Let me add, no one goes to a food pantry willingly. I want to be able to choose my own food, not be handed a box of discards or dented cans. Many times the items received are past code by a number of months. Depending on what it is I usually eat it. The church ladies at the pantry have been condescending to me, especially the older ones. There is the pervasive belief in our country that people are poor because of some deformity or flaw with them - not that an unfortunate situation or circumstance had some impact.

I cried the first few times going to the pantry. Now I don't cry but every time I enter the parking lot I say a prayer that I'll never have to go there again.

All Americans should have access to food. Despite my pension, we didn't have any available money left over for food in November. In the middle of the month I had to write two hot checks at the grocery store to make ends meet ($60.00 each). The bank paid the grocery store but charged me fees which catch up with me now this month and are putting me behind before December even arrives, and starting the whole cycle over again.

To be continued in Part Two.

Ongoing Musings About Change

I don't think I adapt well to change - I've always resisted it and I'm not one who does well handling problems on their own. So for someone who has been forced to go it alone and had to face so much change not out of choice but out of necessity, yes, where I am right now is to look around me and put my hands up in frustration and defeat. Is this a stage of grief? It is not denial but a combination of rage and envy at the unfairness of life. How does someone work themselves out of this mindset? I can't just stop it or will it away. I have to work painfully through it.

I would be in a far different place if my husband had provided enough life insurance to pay off the house. But that wasn't my reality. Instead my reality is that I lost pretty much everything - my husband, my identity, my retirement, my security, my house, my financial resources, my place in the community, my entire world and life as I knew it. Again, I go back to the if we'd had enough life insurance. I wouldn't have lost my home, finances and so on. Those losses are just in addition to the main one of losing my husband, life partner, lover, friend and co-parent.

I feel like over the years I've lost pretty much everything with the exception of my health and the boys. That is a lot of loss and what I term as multiple losses and/or secondary grief losses. Some widows don't have to face financial destitution and I suppose there are others who are worse off than I am. But all I know is what I am dealing with and facing both past and present. I feel I have been stripped bare of everything that was a constant and known factor in my life. And I haven't done well going on and trying to pick up the pieces. Some of us aren't good in a crisis and lack survival skills or life skills or whatever you want to call them.

I've lost everything, I'm struggling to change, fit in, adapt and do the best I can raising two boys on my own. Am I supposed to go through life with blinders on oblivious to the fact that life isn't fair and others have far less of a hard time of it than I? I've always believed that there is both good and bad in the world and that somehow it all gets distributed evenly throughout one's life. But over the past seven years life has been so challenging I don't believe in the good much anymore. I am paranoid that evil and doom lurk behind every corner. The hope in my heart is dried up.

I believe that my attitude is based on how much loss I've had and how deeply it has cut into my soul. This is a perspective from someone who has faced significant loss (death of husband, divorce by second husband, major illness of younger son, death of mother, loss of home, loss of financial stability, loss of familial support, loss of boyfriend to move out-of-state). Those losses, and resulting stress and change are vastly different from that faced by say a 60-year-old woman with grown children and sufficient financial resources to stay in her home and live comfortably. I interacted with such a woman recently in the baseball stands, and while I was sympathetic to the loss of her husband, I had difficulty relating to her life otherwise. She didn't have to raise her kids singlehandedly.

I can't go through the rest of my life with blinders on blocking out the lives of others. So somehow I'll have to come to terms with all of this. And I hope to gain further insight into how those of us dealing with ongoing adversity after loss learn to deal with and cope with the aftershocks of grief. But in the meantime I don't apologize for feeling the way I do. Surely there has to be someone else out there who has struggled with this in the past or present.

Think of the Children

I feel compelled to finish this blog with a few more posts that relate to multiple losses and secondary grief losses. I am taking a break from blogging and am not sure where that will lead me. Perhaps I'll return or start a new widowhood blog. But I feel I have to have address these topics one final time in the event that I don't resume posting. These were issues that I wanted to emphasize in this blog and I have had trouble finding much out there about them specifically. I really believe that they are aspects of grief that get short changed or overlooked.

For me, the secondary grief losses, all those losses that came after my husband's death, were far more difficult for me to endure than his actual death. Maybe there needs to be some greater recognition of this in the literature and with grief counseling because I really struggled with the loss of my identity as a wife, the huge financial problems that came afterward, having to parent on my own, managing a household, having to go back to work, etc. I could go on and on with examples but you get the idea. The secondary losses can include loss of your social network, financial security, your home and so on.

I really lacked the skills and ability to some extent to navigate life as a middle-aged, widowed mom. Then there was the terrible loss of expectations/dreams. As parents in mid-life, my husband and I were reaching the point where we saw more opportunities to strengthen our personal relationship. My husband was 10 years older than I and we were contemplating his retirement to coincide with the boys going off to college. The thought and reality of me now having to get these boys through college on my own is so daunting and overwhelming, I sometimes feel like collapsing under the heavy weight that reality brings me.

I suppose it is all relative. Some are fortunate to have families providing moral, emotional and even financial support. For me, the absolute most difficult loss to endure through all of this, has been the realization that I really don't have a family to rely on. My husband was an only child and his out-of-state family has been invisible - not one gift or card for the boys since their father's death from their paternal grandmother or any paternal family member.

The lack of gifts doesn't matter to me. It has been the lack of any kind of familial emotional support. That has what I have really wanted - that is what helps restore and rebuild me. It is what helps prop me up when the going really gets tough.

My mother was my rock. Throughout my husband's illness and death she provided me with restoring words that were such a comfort and motivator. She wasn't perfect - she said a few insensitive things but overall, she was there listening, trying to understand and coming back with compassionate feedback. Just her acknowledgment that there were times it was hard for me, gave me strength. Once she observed, "You have it all resting on your shoulders." That is all she said. She didn't pity me or try to make it all better. She just honestly observed what was and that was very helpful to me. She didn't judge me. Her death in 2007 was a huge and painful loss for me. I greatly miss her and am thankful she was there for me as long as she was.

Other than my mom, I can't think of too many people who've ever said much to me on a positive note. I can think of two examples. A PTA mom who just shook her head after my youngest was going through his medical diagnosis of Long QT Syndrome (heart arrhythmia). She commented that I had had to endure more than anyone should have to experience. Then there was a dad from school who made a point of seeking me out and saying that I had done right by my boys. But there were so many more criticisms and negative comments - they kind of negated the good that resulted when somebody said something nice or encouraging.

I think that people suspect that widows/widowers want some kind of pity party when they talk or bring up their grief. But I know that all I want is some recognition for my life as it is and a little bit of encouragement for my trying to hang in there as best I can. Let me tell you, a little goes a long, long way!

My divorce absolutely devastated me. The best way I can describe it is as though you are getting hit in the knees with a club just as you're trying to stand back up again from a horrendous fall. The loss of my home and moving has been another tough load to bear. They say that experiencing loss makes you stronger and better able to deal with future adversity. But for me having to go through the divorce so soon after my husband's and mom's death was not strengthening. I was already depleted and worn out with grief. I hadn't rebuilt my energy or capability to deal with adversity. So when the divorce came, I was in little and poor shape to face it or cope with it.

Same with the house. I just endured the divorce battle and then had to jump right into selling and moving from my home to an apartment. It was physically and emotionally damaging and almost unbearable to face and get through. Again, a lot of criticism, virtually no support. The feeling of having no one to fall back on or rely on even a little has been the most devastating aspect of my grief. In the end, that is what it has come down to. It must relate to those primal feelings of being an infant and having to totally trust our caregivers. There is terror in the fear of not being card for and not surviving. Personally, for me, having to face the death of my husband, then a divorce and the loss of my home while parenting on my own has been its own terror because I have felt so alone. Sometimes it feels to me that that is how it might feel to die alone. To know that there isn't really anyone out there rooting for you, caring for you or wishing you well.

That has been my biggest cross to bear.

What I hope to convey here is that it is not just the actual loss of a loved one. It can be so much more and there can be numerous additional losses following a death that impact a widow/widower and families that are far reaching and very complicated. It is not a cut and dry situation. With that said, I think it is important that I add that I have come to believe that it really does take a village to raise children. For those of us without significant support networks, it is a challenging job on our own. I just hope these words get transmitted out there into the Universe to do some good here. I just want people to know and remember that withholding support, or being negative and critical to the poor widow/widower ends up filtering down to the kids. In the end, it is the poor father or motherless children that bear the brunt of all of this.

Please think of and remember the kids here. Through no fault of their own they've been dealt a blow and now their main support is an overworked, grieving parent doing their best to navigate an often hostile and less than sympathetic world. Give them a break. And give the parents a break. As I said earlier, a little kindness goes a long way.

Snapped Rubber Band

I have come to believe that people have a breaking point in regard to how much grief, loss and pain they can take. At some point, the rubber band has stretched too far, too thin, too many times and it snaps. I guess the next question is, what happens after that? The rubber band is usually tossed in the trash, no longer salvageable. And what if there isn't a replacement at the ready?

I've been catching the new ancestry show on NBC, "Who Do You Think You Are?" that airs on Friday nights. A few weeks back, the show was about Brooke Shields. Many years ago, I remember reading that the familial relationship between Brooke's mother and grandmother was strained. So in this episode, Brooke wanted to see if she could uncover some information about her grandmother to help explain this.

She found that her grandmother had lost her mother at age 10 and then lived a life involving hardship and poverty in New Jersey. Her grandmother was forced to become sister and mother to her siblings. Some years later, another tragedy occurred when one of the brothers died in a drowning accident - I think he was about 13.

With the cameras rolling on Brooke, she processed this information with amazing clarity and insight. She related that she now had some compassion and understanding for her grandmother's situation, which until that point she had been totally unaware. Basically, she said that she could now comprehend her grandmother's ongoing negativity and bitterness. She said something to the effect that people can only take so much and perhaps her grandmother's early losses had been too much to bear.

Recently at the bookstore I paged through a new book on grief that has come out. The significance in it is that there haven't been many recent studies on grief and loss so this one is getting some attention. It is titled, "The Other Side of Sadness." I would like to read it someday just for general knowledge but from what I can tell, I think the main premise by the author is that people are much more resilient than been given credit for in the past - I guess along the gist of people bouncing back and recovering and becoming happy again.

EXCEPT the author did concede that some of us do struggle harder and longer than others. Especially those who are dealing with loss along with financial issues. Another point raised was that people lacking strong support systems of family and friends are at a disadvantage because a great deal of emotional support is necessary, AS WELL as ongoing support to tackle ordinary household and everyday situations. The author additionally brought up the fact that some people are more naturally resilient and optimistic than others too, so personal makeup and genes do factor in also.

This was part of the point I was trying to make in my "Crazy Widow" post. That I can comprehend why and how some widows do seem to go off the deep end, withdraw or give up hope. It is a combination of so many factors.

I look back at my journey and am just now beginning to realize how disadvantaged I was even at the beginning of widowhood. My husband had been sick for three years so there was fatigue, sorrow, grief and loss that had existed for a number of years even before the actual death! That is another fact that I don't think people ever stop to realize or consider. For those long-term caregivers, the entire period leading up to the loss is almost its own period of transition, stress and strain. And you go from that to big time grief!

I won't belabor the point here. I've said what I want to say. The question and possibly the key I need to lock next is, so now what? The rubber band is in the garbage. Or put another way, what do you do when you desperately need a vacation but can't take one? How can a broken, drained, depleted and hopeless spirit be revived after it has snapped?

I don't think you can tell someone in this place to wait it out and give it time. Maybe time has run out. I think hope has to be built on hope. And when there is none there it may be a futile effort. So where does that spark come from when it can no longer be ignited from within?

Skipping Christmas For Real

I have stopped including my gratitude list of five things at the end of each of my posts. I should go back and see the date of when that happened. But today I am grateful that I haven't overdrafted my checking account. There is still $109.21 as of today left in it, so I am extremely grateful that I can still afford some food to get through until the 1st. It took a bit of juggling the bills to make it this month. Driving back and forth to Sam's each weekend put a big crimp into the budget. But I made it through fingers crossed. The worry and concern over bouncing a check is always on my mind too. I am going to go to Walgreen's to see if I can return a folding table I bought a few months ago and never used. I'd thought that I'd use it in the kitchen or as a computer printer stand but never did. That would get me $25.00 back, which would be enough for a Christmas feast! But I read the back of the receipt and it states that returns have to be made within 30 days. I'm hoping they'll give me a break.

Last night to scrimp and save I made pot pies for dinner with a can of peas which I thought would be filling. The pot pies each cost 50 cents. I had one pie and gave my youngest son two. The oldest was going out with friends and said he could grab a sandwich at someone's house. Right now my stomach is rumbling - the peas were not as filling as I'd thought. I'll be running out soon to pick up some groceries doing exactly what they say not to - shop when you're hungry.

My dear girlfriend called to tell me the time for us to come over to her home on Christmas - 3:00 p.m. She said she is trying to get caught up wrapping the gifts for her three kids, who have been very close to mine the past 13 years. I felt so removed from her statement because this year I have absolutely no gifts to wrap or purchase. This was the Christmas that wasn't. It will just be another day besides going to my girlfriend's for dinner. Part of me actually feels some relief about not being caught up in the celebration. But that may just be a front to keep me from feeling upset that the boys won't have any gifts to open. They did receive new phones from Sam who included unlimited texting and internet use too. Yes, this is nice but it would also be nice for them to be able to open up a little something - a surprise. Does it count that a few months ago I bought them each $200.00 of clothing (from the Used Teen Clothing Store Plato's Closet?). No, I think phones and clothes are in the pile of necessities parents are supposed to provide for their kids. They are a given.

Oh, I forgot. I did buy two things for the boys back when I thought our financial condition was more sound - a Packer's bean bag chair and some music picture (drums, guitar). I left them at Sam's because the car was too full coming back yesterday. Our trip back was delayed a good hour because my oldest drove into the piled snow at the side of Sam's steep driveway and it took a concentrated shoveling effort and even the strength of four big guys from down the street to get the van out. I told the boys I'd give them the gifts as New Year's presents.

But for now I am grateful for a roof over our heads be it at Sam's or here at the apartment. And that there is still money for food and maybe I can even afford a package of Christmas cookies.

It is funny - just the other day I saw one of my favorite holiday movies, "Christmas with the Kranks", which is based on the adorable novel "Skipping Christmas" by John Grisham. Unlike the movie or book, this year this family is really skipping Christmas.

Pots of Loss

Sam confided yesterday that the reason he pushed for us to move so quickly was well meaning. He thought it would be easier for me to deal with all the recent losses (selling the house, moving to the apt., etc.) if he threw the relocation in there along with them. His reasoning was that I'd be able to deal with all the losses at the same time and get "over" them more quickly.

Although I understand his intention, from my personal experience and what I have read about multiple losses, I'm not sure this is how it works. I think you have to deal with each loss on its own. You can't combine a bunch of losses and deal with them all together. Each one is its own entity.

I know from my situation as well, that there is a limit to how much grief I can handle. When it exceeds that limit I shut down and simply can't take on any more. When my Mom was dying two years ago and I was supposed to be packing up and selling my home and moving out of state, the only issue I could focus on was my Mom. I also realized I absolutely did not possess the strength to deal with my Mom's death and then handle the issues relating to the relocation. It was too much for me. I know Husband #2 did not understand this and it was part of what led to the divorce.

This current situation seems so much a repeat of what happened two years ago. I have just "lost" my home and moved into an apartment. The place isn't even unpacked. We never had a moment to settle in or process this life changing event. And then overnight I was forced to make decisions relating to another out-of-state relocation. I feel there wasn't adequate time for me to even gain some clarity or perspective before being thrust into this new whilwind.

One of my girlfriends commented the other day that people have to move all the time for jobs and family issues. She made it sound so matter-of-fact. But timing and circumstances do figure in there too. In the recent past I have had to face a very painful divorce, the sale and move from our home, finding and moving into a small apartment, fitting all the overflow of household goods and possessions into storage units and then taking a time intensive Nursing Assistant Program because of job necessity. Maybe for other people this wouldn't be too much, but it is for me. And it is also partly because I've had to face those issues on my own while trying to figure out what is best for my sons.

Sam described me as falling apart at the seams and being a wreck. I found the description very painful to hear. He said he wants to make life easier for me but it seems as though since the move I am more despondent and unhappy. That's grief for you. You are despondent. He thinks the boys have fed off my grief which can very well be true but the reality is that my depression has been so linked into their grief. Kind of like which came first - my grief over them having to move or theirs. But it doesn't really matter which came first anyway - it is all so interconnected. All of us are having difficulty with this. Sam thinks I should buck up and demonstrate strength for the boys - no more sleeping in during the day or crying. I don't relate this to bash him - it is how he feels. I've tried to explain that grief is very powerful and cannot be so easily batted away. I see his point about trying to be there more for the boys but that doesn't mean I can will my own grief away.

I have certainly learned through all of this that we can't push grief away and expect to heal. It is walking through it, crying, hurting and even vomiting from the grief that gets us out of the basement level of pain. So for those of us with more on our plates that also means having a longer go at the process. We'll be taking those steps out of the basement at a slower pace. Or maybe we'll stop a moment to sit on the steps awhile before making the effort to go back up.

I don't believe you can lump all your losses together to make the load easier or faster to get through. Multi-tasking may work in real life but not with grief. Each loss has to be grieved on its own. I think you have to concentrate on one to experience it fully. If you try to grieve everything all at once it just becomes muddled and unclear as to what you're exactly grieving. About grief overload - too much is too much. Being a wreck and appearing as though we're falling apart at the seams is an indication that it has all become too much. It would be nice to have the ability to take a break from life's current problems to have the time to devote to the past. It would be ideal if that could be the case. As for the times when life keeps piling up the challenges, I'm not sure what the solution is. What is the strategy for grieving at the same time you are living and facing difficult circumstances?

I suppose one answer would be to deal with what is most pressing at hand and having the strength and sense to put aside the other matters for a short while. Then returning to them when life has been restored to a more even level. What I have learned is that trying to handle too much grief all at once is futile. In doing that you run the risk of tuning out and avoidance, as well as feeling insane. Losses are very profound and each has such an individual meaning and significance for us. There is a certain level of honoring our losses that I have come to recognize as necessary. They can't be lumped together like a blob of clay. Each loss has to be formed and then put into the kiln and fired. For now, I will concentrate on this new move and put some of the other losses on the shelf to fire in the kiln later. They'll still be there, safe and sound. Let me tell you, they aren't going anywhere! But right now all my focus, strength and energy is needed to mold the pot determining where the boys will end up at school.

No One Said It Would Be Easy

The boys are giving us a rough time about the move. Last night the oldest threatened to take the van and drive back home. Both are saying they will find friends to stay with so they can continue to attend their old school. The youngest refused to go to school today claiming he has a migraine. I called the school and asked to make an appointment with their counselor.

According to the boys, no one has talked with them and they ate alone at lunch. They each have three study halls because the elective classes they were taking aren't offered here. The youngest claims he is behind because the classes here are ahead of where he was back home. He refused my help with his French worksheet.

I am torn between being sympathetic and giving them a kick in the pants and telling them to cope and deal with it. Maybe in a way I am doing both at the same time. GF is upset with me because he wants more appreciation/credit for helping us (especially me being in my current financial state). He told me he did not think there would be anyone else willing to take on our family.

I just continue to feel tired and drained and want to escape into bed with the covers up over my head. I am exhausted from all these years of only parenting. I know GF needs to feel appreciated but so do I just for having survived the past year! No one is patting me on the back for my sacrifices or enduring hardship.

I don't want the boys to live away from me. I like the feel of the four of us living here in this house. It feels like a family again - what we haven't experienced in seven years. The boys don't know what it feels like to live in a home with a strong male/father presence. But I do. And I want that back.

Bottom of the Barrel

If I have learned anything about grief and loss it is that life can be out of our control at times. Yes, we can control some things - but not everything, no matter how much we try or want the outcome to be. Life doesn't always flow according to our plans or desires. We remarry and have faith again in the future. But all the faith and love in our heart amounts to nothing when our partner refuses to consider reconciling and proceeds ahead with a divorce. We hope to meet a partner healthy enough to love and share our life with. We find one but the relationship takes a turn because of a blasted Recession and the need to move to relocate for employment. So in the end, all we are able to control is our reaction to these events - we can't change how someone feels about us - we can't hope and wish that someone hasn't been forced to move for employment. As much as we love and need someone, when they are dying we can't save them.

I am not a person who gets on well on my own. I thrive on living in a partnership and do not want to trod through the rest of my life alone. I have wanted to be remarried and will continue to want this. Of course that doesn't mean I am just going to get remarried for the sake of being married. I married Husband #2 because I truly loved him and thought it would be a successful partnership. Likewise, my decision to be with GF would have to pass the same criteria.

The thought of having to live by myself and get the boys through high school and then college on my own seems insurmountable to me right now. We are at the bottom of the barrel. I am at a place of having to start over virtually from scratch. Thoughts of eviction, not being able to pay the rent, not having enough money for food, the urgency I face in having to find work are worries and anxiety that now appear endless.

There are no perfect men out there. Husband #1 wasn't a God. We had our problems in our marriage - at one point very early on I even considered divorce. I've gone on after a devastating remarriage and divorce to meet another guy with whom I've gotten along very well. Despite numerous kinks in the road we've managed to hang in there and grow. Our relationship has demonstrated far more more tolerance and commitment than what was experienced in my second marriage. We are both starting over. Certainly not the most ideal circumstances in which to marry or move in together. But I've come to believe is there ever a good time? Who knows what is ahead for any of us. All I know is what I have right now and the picture in my head is grim.

Being able to share life including the burdens and better times is what it is all about for me. That is when I feel alive and am happy. I haven't been very "happy" since my husband's death. There have been little snippets of happiness but overall, when life is a constant grueling grind that is what you end up feeling - defeated, lonely, alone, sad, uninspired, hopeless. How can anyone keep on going with faith in their heart when that is the underlying feeling? The smiles and laughter are fleeting because the scale is unbalanced. When there is more hardship than anything else that is what permeates your feelings and ultimately influences your outlook on the present and future. The bad stuff has more power and it wins the match.

There has been too much hardship in my life of late. Maybe if my path had been different I'd feel stronger or more empowered. But right now I seem to have reached my personal limit as to what I am able to continue to handle on my own. Marriage isn't some instant cure all or easy street. I know that and accept it. But working together and having someone by your side to face life with makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day quality of it.

What is going to be served by me continuing to suffer so? Is my health and sanity less important than my oldest continuing to play volley ball the next two years?

Is it better to admit defeat graciously and take the option/solution offered even though it isn't ideal? Or is it better to keep struggling to try and ensure a status quo for your kids when doing so appears impossible at the moment? What if I just can't do this anymore? Does that make me a bad mother, a bad person?

To have to balance emotional and social needs against the ones that are ultimately most important and basic - a roof over one's home and food on the table. I cannot currently provide dental care for my children; I am pretty sure I will need to cancel the health insurance at the end of this month; it will be the second Christmas in a row that I am unable to afford gifts for the boys; there isn't enough money left over from the pension for food - whatever I am able to buy comes from the hours I work at the big box store that are not constant or reliable.

I have to think of all the outcomes and potential realities. What if one of the cars or both break down? How will I afford the repairs? What if we cannot pay the rent? Where will we go and what will we do? Would that experience be better for my sons than having to move and at least have a home, medical/dental care and enough food and clothing? Forget the Christmas gifts - I just want to have the mere basics here - all that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff. You can't live without the basics of food, water, feeling protected and shelter. Take it from one who knows and has been there - all of your focus is on surviving and there is nothing left for living and joy. I know in my heart that this isn't the way - we are meant to experience joy and happiness too. Hopefully our lives balance between the hardships and joys.

What does my poor, sad story mean or amount to anyway? The world goes on without stopping or seeing. I am just an insignificant blip on the bigger screen. Today people will be more focused on Oprah's announcement concerning the last airing of her talk show than the fate of our little trio. Our plight is invisible and even if it were more apparent, I'm not sure it would matter. When you are alone like this is is up to you to take the reigns and find the way. It is only you - even when you have reached your personal limit and can't go on any longer.

So, after all these random thoughts, reflections and musings what have I really wanted to say from all this - what is brimming from my heart? It is this - the utter pain at not being able to adequately provide for my children is slowly killing me. There is no greater pain that anyone can feel. You could add up all the grief and loss I have experienced from the death of my husband, then the divorce, followed by losing my house and it would not come close to the depths of pain I am now feeling. And secondly, it has not been the grief from death or divorce that has crushed me. It has been having to face and live life on my own. Some of us do not have the personalities or stamina to do this well.

Burdened by Burdens

A big reason I started to post and continue to do so was to illustrate the life of a widow burdened by burdens in addition to grief after the death of a spouse - financial hardship, divorce after widowhood, lack of family support, illness and the death of other family members, having to move from one's long-time suburban home into a box (apartment), losing one's socioeconomic status and having to continue to raise children as an only parent, as well as weather the storms of daily life (big thunderstorms and milder sprinkles).

I've experienced a slew of losses in a small amount of time and it has been very difficult for me to pick up the pieces and get my feet back on the ground. I have struggled. It would have been hard enough to just have been a widow. Most of the losses that followed my husband's death were flukes of timing and circumstances - all the events involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's eventual death and the selling of their home. To add insult to injury, just a week after my Mom's death a high level tornado stormed by my home and I was left with extensive yard damage to clean up. I mention that incident because the past six years it has been like that. One crazy thing happening directly after another. One hard situation would end to only be replaced by another. Let me tell you, it is not easy to focus on a ravaged yard when you're grieving your Mom on your own as a relatively new widow yourself.

I wanted to convey that for some of us, the losses coming after the first strike of death were far more difficult to survive.

I wanted to depict that life is fragile - one moment you can be a middle-class suburban soccer mom living a comfortable lifestyle to wake up the next day and have that familiar reality ripped from you.

I wanted to grapple with the reality of life not being fair - that you can be a good, kind, decent person and still have to face more hardship than what others seem to have to face.

I wanted to tell my story to prove that for some of us struck by poverty, it is not because we're uneducated, drug using criminals. Some of us are intelligent with even advanced degrees. But we're struck down by ill-timed circumstances and flukes of fate.

I hoped to illustrate discrepancies in our country's social services network that is supposed to help our citizens in need. I've related having to go to a food bank and apply for services such as food stamps and my state's health insurance program. Problem is, I am not eligible for any services. The economic criteria used to calculate assistance is out-of-date and no longer applicable. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow to live in the greatest nation in the world and to have fallen on hard times. Because there are some of us who will slip through the cracks and not receive assistance. The state considers my pension of $2,200.00 monthly too much to qualify for any kind of benefit. Yet, I think most of us can plainly recognize that this amount is not enough for one person, let alone three to live on. After not being able to find full-time work in my field because I've been out of the work force, as well as the Recession, I've had to go back to school just to be able to get my foot in the door and get a job with benefits.

I hoped that in maybe sharing my story, readers would ultimately be less judgmental toward others, in particular those in financial crisis.

I hoped to show that grief and loss is so far reaching. It can start out as a single domino and quickly crescendo out of control as the others in the row start toppling.

And more than anything, I wanted to share that going on living as a widow, on one's own can be the most difficult challenge to have to face. It is kind of like a never-ending circle. You're facing hardship because of the loss but then you have even more made harder because you're on your own. It just keeps going on and on and the dominoes continue to fall.

Message to Danielle Steel

I am not a book snob. I enjoy classic literature, lots of self-help stuff, current bestsellers and Danielle Steel. Quite frankly, there are some times when only a Danielle Steel will do, like when I need a good cry and I'm having trouble making tears. I carry my D.S. books around without taking off the jackets or hiding the title. By the same token I do not hide the fact that I really find Hamburger Helper pretty tasty (although I only use ground turkey).

Anyway, the reason I bring this topic up is that my Certified Nursing Assistant instructor mentioned today that she doesn't watch much t.v., although she does enjoy reading Danielle Steel. But she added that she is getting tired of this author because her characters are always rich, famous, princesses and the like. My instructor commented that it would be nice to have Ms. Steel write one of her novels with poor or more ordinary characters. I replied that I find D.S. books to always have happy endings where everything works out with minimal conflict.

I was thinking of one of Steel's novels involving a widow with five kids. Her attorney husband is murdered by his client's vindictive ex-husband. New widow (also an attorney) falls in love with the doctor (if I am remembering correctly) who treats her teenager son after he is involved in a car accident. Doctor doesn't have kids of his own and is ready and willing to accept widow's bunch. A few of her kids put up some resistance but he wins them all over in the end and the couple gets married a year after the husband's death.

Now I had a similar situation with the man I remarried (being quickly swept off my feet) but he lacked the tolerance (no kids) or experience (never married) to win my sons over and bailed out so fast I can still hear the screech of his tires when our life became challenging. Someone should take my situation and make it into a novel (more realistic). Or how about my reality of meeting another guy who is really and willing to accept my sons (plus he is tolerant, accepting and patient besides) but he has moved out-of-state and marrying him would involve uprooting my sons for their last one and two years of high school. How about that situation for a D.S. novel? What would the characters do to reach that happy, everybody wins ending?

Message to Danielle Steel - Please write some books about normal widows facing complicated lives and decisions that are not so easily resolved. You'd still sell the books and they might prove to be of more value to readers out there instead of giving them pure escapism and fantasy.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Pumpkin donuts from Dunkin' Donuts
2. Pumpkin pie
3. Pumpkin flavored lip gloss (who would have thought that this would ever be created?)
4. Danielle Steel books
5. The first lit and decorated Christmas tree I saw this year in the window of the karate studio down the street.

Basic Needs & Survival

One of the basic principles from Psych. 101 usually includes Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. His theory in brief is that humans require certain needs met to grow, develop and evolve into their full potentials. The first basic tier of his pyramid includes physical needs such as safety, food, shelter, stability, protection (HEALTH INSURANCE), etc. If those basic needs aren't met a person can't move up to the next level of emotional needs. Those needs include our desire for love, connection, appreciation, community, etc. Until those needs are likewise met it is not possible for a person to achieve fulfillment with the next levels which include doing productive work, enjoying life, finding value in the balance of work and play. BOTTOM LINE - without feeling safe and secure it is pretty hard to enjoy life, find meaning in it or be able to work productively. This is because you are so consumed with survival - nothing is left over for the rest, including love.

I am thinking this as I contemplate the future of my life. I certainly am currently caught up in survival mode and I feel like I am sinking without someone next to me giving me a hand. I have tried to remain cheerful, optimistic and hopeful as I struggle with providing for my family. And I'm just not making it. I don't get enough hours at the big box store so I am starting a short-term program to become a Certified Nursing Assistant. But until I can get a new job there is not enough money to afford health/life/car insurance, pay the rent, bills, gas, clothes and still have enough for food. I'm not making it, cutting it, or surviving. And maybe according to Maslow's theory it is impossible for me to even think or consider such basic desires as happiness, joy and love while I'm struggling.

In the meantime I am stressed beyond the point of breaking. I am not as accessible to my sons because of it, as well as my depression, anxiety and worry. There is limited support to rely on and I am being crushed under the weight of this load I keep carrying by myself. We all deserve better. I'm not asking for a lot. Just the constant burden of worrying about our basic needs to be alleviated a bit. Then to feel a little bit of happiness and joy. To be able to watch a movie or video. To cook a meal with fresh meat and produce. To not wake up in dread and go to bed with that knot in my stomach. To feel a bit of hope and sanity.

Tough Transition

The house closing did get completed and I have the weekend to frantically move, pack, clear things up and clear things out! The movers have been rescheduled to arrive at 9:00 a.m. on Monday.

I used to tell myself that nothing will ever be more difficult than my husband's death (but this situation came pretty close).

We have a very small amount of money from the house sale to start out with - enough to get us on our feet. I am grateful that we received even something, as I know there are people in my situation who end up losing their homes with no proceeds.

The next few weeks will be challenging trying to settle into a new location. It is hard now going through all of this alone while trying to parent and work. I am promising myself a short getaway later this fall (just on my own). I need some time to heal myself and grieve the loss of our home and the life that used to be.

I thank everyone who thought about me during this though transition.

Strangers Sent to Lead Me

Every day at work I seem to be interacting with people who are meant to come to my cashiering station. Last week I met and spoke at length with two women my age. One had sold her home in California and moved to my town. She and her husband are both out of work as a writer and art director/event planner, respectively. The proceeds from the sale of their home are depleting rapidly and they fear there will not be enough for a down payment on a home when they become reemployed. This woman came to my register and explained that the curtains she was purchasing were because she had to do something to spruce up the rental home they are now living in. She was apologetic for living in a rental. As we talked and I shared my circumstances, she acknowledged that there is no need for her to even mention that she lives in a rental home. Who cares, anyway?

The second woman I met last week is in foreclosure and has decided to "walk" away from her situation and just hand over the keys. She is boldly moving to North Carolina where she knows no one. Her youngest of four children is going to be a Junior in college and she feels as though she held on as best she could. She is also out of real work and doing some sort of work for a woman (house sitting I think). The income she is getting is being hidden so it could be that she may be considering bankruptcy as well.

Today, I spoke with a woman my age moving into an apartment with her two kids (she has 3 ages 20, 15 and 12) after a divorce.

All of these women inspired me to face my situation with grace and dignity. I am not the only one facing change due to loss and hardship. Others are out there and adapting as best they can. As will I. The circumstances I am in can seem very isolating. Working again and interacting with many different people has brought others into my line of vision I never would have encountered. I feel as though these are not chance encounters but meetings meant to occur to help show me the way.

I also ran up a woman my age who is a certified nursing assistant and attended our community college. It was good to talk to her and I asked her a host of questions. My desire would be to work in a nursing home/long term care facility. She verified that it would only take me two months to complete the program and obtain a job at a pay rate of $13.00 hourly. I have decided to seriously consider this program in January if I am unable to secure a satisfactory counseling or social services job.

Lastly, my final customer was a nice middle-aged guy who spent extra time talking with me and I saw him look at my name tag to read my name. It was flattering to have his attention and know that he had made a point to see my name.

Today I am grateful:

1. For having a job, such as it is to go to.
2. For the feelings of productivity I gain from my job, such as it is.
3. For the experience this job has given me.
4. For how this job has gotten me back into the world, after a few years of being out of it when I was only taking care of my folks and not working.
5. For all of the people who touch my life, even briefly when they share their stories and experiences with me as I am waiting on them at work.

I have:

1. Tons of books (too many).
2. A running, reliable vehicle (although I do seem to get a lot of flat tires).
3. A soft bed to sleep on.
4. Enough food in my stomach.
5. A house full of things I can donate to others who can use them and even downsizing, I'll have more than enough "stuff."

Trying to Keep Out of It

My guyfriend started the new visitation schedule with his son today. Here it is: Since the ex-wife now lives six hours away in another state, every other weekend, both she and my guyfriend will drive three hours to a meeting point halfway, which is the Wisconsin Dells. Once there, the 11-year-old will then go with his dad for his weekend visit. The drive home to the Chicago area will be three hours. The ex-wife will turn around and then drive the three-hour ride back to her new home, life and husband. This is supposed to happen Friday evenings but could occur on Saturday mornings. Either way, come Sunday afternoon, my guyfriend will drive the three hours to take his son to the Dells to meet his mom. They'll do the exchange and then he'll drive the three hours home with an empty car while she'll take the boy back to his custodial residence.

That is 12 hours of driving within two days for the parents as well as this child! So far, none of the people I've mentioned this arrangement to have found it favorable. One of my friends asked, "How did the Judge ever approve of this?" Another responded with, "That's not going to last!" Still another, said my friend should be the one driving to the new town his son is living in, rent a motel and visit him there. The weather in the Dells during winter can be very snowy and icy so some of the weekends when it is cold might not pan out if storms are in the forecast.

It's funny how everyone but those involved can see the reality of the situation. My friend justifies the arrangement by saying he'll have his son on Mondays when there are holidays or school institute days. He was laid off from his job and cannot afford the expense of a motel at this time.

It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut on this matter but I am trying to refrain from being negative because I know my guyfriend is very upset over the loss of his daily contact with his boy. I cannot help but feel irritated at the ex-wife who assured my friend in March that she had no intention of remarrying soon and disrupting her son's life until he was through Junior High.

I know how hard it is to try and navigate the waters after a divorce. Onc of the positive reasons my second husband cited for being involved with a widow was that there is no ex-spouse in the picture!

It's Everything That Comes Afterward

The death of my husband was actually the easy part. It was everything that has followed that has been the most difficult and given me the most grief. And I'm still grieving because I am continuing to face these challenges. It is not that a year goes by and suddenly you're grief free. Maybe the gut-retching impact of the death has lessened but now there are new obstacles to face such as the constant fatigue of parenting on one's own, working, trying to maintain a home and vehicle, worrying about finances, cutting the grass, cooking dinners, shopping and dating again, to name a few. Underneath attending to all the daily chores of living is the emotional job of grieving about all the new losses (loss of income/financial stability, loss of a helpmate, loss of social status, loss of a sexual partner, loss of identity). And even another layer is the psychological need to navigate an unfamiliar, unplanned life with a different rule book - which you're still trying to comprehend. Lets throw some stress and anxiety into the mix too (the normal day-to-day stuff we all face and the stuff that has been added to your life because of the loss).

Another reality is that the living sometimes have to pickup and fix the mistakes or oversights of those who have died. My husband failed to leave a will which resulted in years of legal complications. There were family conflicts with his relatives which he should have been responsible for righting - but he got off easy, dying. I was left holding a bag of his messes that I was given no choice in but having to clean up. So there has also been resentment and anger toward my husband that just doesn't disappear because he has died.

In that first year after my husband's death I read everything I could lay my hands on about widowhood. I particularly wanted to read real stories of loss to reassure myself that these woman had survived (I also wanted to know that they had felt happy again too). There weren't many memoirs out there then - thank goodness more tales are being told now through blogging and the publishing of memoirs. But a criticism about grief books in general and even real life memoirs is that they tend to focus on the first year or two following the loss. As my journey continues I realize how much we need to keep focusing on the grief process beyond the initial loss.

What happens to those of us who have really faced some trying times and had to deal with numerous secondary grief losses? Where are the books, timetables and guidelines for this stage of the grief process?

Today I am grateful:

1. That I've been given the gift of another day to live!
2. That love is in my life (my cats, my friends, my sons).
3. For everything that has happened in my life because it means I have lived.
4. That I honored the love I had for my mother and that I stood by her side during her final days as a tribute to what she had meant to me.
5. For the wisdom and inspiration of others who have traveled through grief that somehow finds its way to me.

Still Falling

The reason we were denied state health insurance coverage is that with the part-time retail job I've taken on to try and save the house, I make too much income (about $200.00 over the qualifying limit; although that might have changed now since they've cut my hours). Anyway, to get insurance through my pension plan will cost $600.00 a month! So, I don't have many options available to me except to go without insurance for the time being. I don't care about myself - it is the boys I have concern about.

I guess I can also consider quitting the job; asking them to reduce my hours for the next month so I can reapply for the state coverage; keep looking for full-time work. All of this is daunting because it is on top of the worry I carry around every day about our situation, not to mention that I still have to figure out if the house can be sold and if I file for bankruptcy. Handling this all on my own in addition to caring for the boys and trying to keep up the minimum with the house (plus cooking) just seems overwhelming right now.

I would not wish this life on anyone. It seems so unfair that a family already devastated by the death of their husband/dad would have to continue to endure such struggles.

I'm passing on the gratitude list today because I just need to be with my sorrow.

One Day at a Time

I'm in a terrible low - just not sure what to do, where to go, how to get on with the rest of my life. I have to figure out a plan for a job but am worried my Master's in Psych won't end up paying the bills or cover the boys for college in a few years. So what do I do now? No one seems to have any answers. I think all the people I've been talking to at the career counseling centers don't have a clue. When I got my masters I was married and only wanted to work part-time - I never expected to have my husband die and that I'd end up being the main bread earner. If I had had a crystal ball I would have taken another course of study - most likely in education. But that is all a moot point now.

I need a daytime job with regular set hours. Psych jobs are often only in the evenings or on weekends to accommodate client's daytime school and work hours. I need benefits - we don't have medical insurance. My van has almost 100,000 miles on it. I am worried about those factors too. It is like I have finally hit my bottom. Most mornings I still wake up with a migraine and I know I have been dreaming about Husband #2. I remain haunted by the end of my marriage and the utter cruelty of my husband which I now think boarders on the brink of being emotionally violent.

I am in foreclosure and the threat of losing the house hangs over me like I'm caught in a dark, dense fog that I cannot escape. I have a couple close friends who have been there for me but my family is emotionally distant (my sister has not spoken to me since Thanksgiving and has offered no support in regard to the divorce). That hurts almost as much as being abandoned by Husband #2.

I know you're not supposed to talk or think or feel like this because in our society the message is not to complain but buck up and cope. Even my friends are uncomfortable when I'm in this hopeless/helpless state. I just feel so alone and so tired from the many years of this. Almost like I've reached the limit as to what I can handle.

My Mom and I were very close and I know she would have been there for me with support and advice (especially about the financial stuff). My divorced friends have close families and I just feel like I'm hanging out here all by myself kind of like a flag on a flagpole that is getting tattered in the wind. People are quick to point out that there are many other single moms out there without any family handling things, coping and moving on with life. I'm just having a hard time and don't want my situation compared with others. My life story and personality are different and for whatever reasons I've reached a point here where I feel like giving up. What would happen if I ended up not doing anything from here on out? That would be an interesting concept to consider. Would the outcome be that much different than whatever I may do now consciously?

A friend was responding critically to my mood and I asked him how he thought I should be handling all of this. He told me to just try and live one day at a time. For me right now that might end up being one hour at a time because all I feel like is lying down in bed and not getting up.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the changing seasons.
2. For my education and advanced degree - they may end up taking my house but not that.
3. For my ability to feel, even though what I'm feeling right now is pretty bad.
4. For the pride I felt seeing my oldest at his volleyball meet - I have two great boys despite having suffered such hardship at young ages.
5. For the promise of another day and hopefully one that is less depressing.

Trying to make sense of all of this

Yesterday, I went to a job fair and was hired on the spot for a mental health counseling position. The job is great and think I'd do it well and enjoy it besides. But there are a number of problems with it (of course). For one, the job is not considered permanent or full time - it is a fill in job for employees who call in sick, are on leave or vacation. I'd also have to be filling in for all three shifts because it is a hospital unit so that means overnight hours. The job is in Chicago and living in the suburbs I prefer suburban locations because I am more familiar with my neck of the woods. Plus there are no benefits including insurance, although the hourly pay is not bad. For me, the real difficulty with the job has to do with being on call and not knowing what my hours would be on a week-to-week basis. My employer cannot make me any kind of guarantee as to how much I'd actually be working. I think they anticipate I'd have hours but the thought of being called two hours before I'm supposed to go in is more than I can bear right now. Also, I do not feel comfortable leaving my boys on their own overnight.

Right now what I am craving and know that I need is structure and stability. I need to know what my work hours are so I can plan my life and effectively parent my boys. I'd have no problem taking a job like this if there was someone at home to help hold down the fort but I am on my own and I have to take this into consideration. A lot of this has to do with the tremendous amount of unpredictability I've faced in the past years. First there was my husband's illness and the constant, up and down not knowing if the treatments would work or if he was going to die. Then with my remarriage my new husband was always threatening me with divorce so there was that roller coaster and the eventual divorce. In between these events were many involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's death and my son's diagnosis of Long QT Syndrome (potentially fatal heart arrhythmia).

After getting the job offer I went and talked with Human Resources and explained my situation ("widow card") and that I'd prefer a suburban location. The HR Head said she'd see about another position and we left my acceptance on hold. She is supposed to call back today. When I left the job fair I burst into tears after reaching the safety of my car and had a good, long cry. I asked the Universe what it wants me to do here. I want and need a job but I am not willing to keep adding to the instability of my life by working a job that will bring that to me. I talked with a couple of friends and got the typical responses - about how I need to try and make this work and somehow arrange my life so it can fit around this job. My two male friends glossed over my concern about leaving the boys on their own overnight.

I'm trying to remain strong here and do the right thing for all of us. It is more challenging for someone like me to work out the details of a new job. I can't just take whatever is offered because there are too many ramifications. It would actually be easier to just take the job because that is what everyone else seems to think is the best thing. But it is harder to stand up for what I believe is better (and not the popular opinion) and that would be not taking this job because I do not want the upheaval it would being to our lives on a daily basis. So the widow not only has a harder life but then she is not supported for making the decisions she feels are the right ones to make. I'd say this is a pretty good example of damned if you do, damned if you don't, or at least that is how it feels to me.

About my boys - I don't care what anyone thinks or says. As an only parent it is up to me to make the decisions regarding their health, well being and welfare. I only know too well what can happen (and plenty of bad things happen). So if I error on the side of caution so be it. Better safe than sorry and it is one of the few things I do have a small amount of control over. But how frustrating to always be criticized for being an overly protective parent. And what about my safety besides? No one seems to consider the risk I may have driving into Chicago on my own at night. I just think I'm expected to always be some superwoman and I've reached a point where I'm saying "no." I have limitations, I can only be stretched so far. My life was ripped out from under me, I'm trying to move on as best I can and now the least I deserve is respect for the careful decisions I make because I think they are what is best. And if others can't or won't give me that, then I'll have to be strong and give it to myself because I know it is right.

Yesterday, I felt so defeated and exhausted. I felt like giving up on life and living - just throwing my hands up and admitting defeat.