A New Path

My youngest has completed and sent off his college applications (5) and the computer is finally free for my use. Now is the waiting game to see where he gets accepted. And now it is my turn for that process. I played around last night looking for schools offering social work programs. Nothing with the right fit - and I was a bit worried today thinking about it. There weren't a lot of schools offering the program at the graduate level. A benefit of living in the Chicago suburbs is that there are numerous schools in and around Chicago to attend.

A plus of looking at school possibilities was that today I was less consumed with worry about finances. It felt good to be thinking of something else regarding my future and hope for my new life.

This afternoon after work, I was at it again determined to make some headway in trying to find potential schools. And I found a program that starts this summer and looks as if I would be easily accepted into. I called the university at 5:15 and someone actually answered the phone taking my number for a call back on Monday with more info. But it is exciting to be actively focused and involved in trying to move forward for a better life. The program is an evening program, which has some attraction to me. I also like that it starts in the summer and I wouldn't have to wait until next fall.

Mid-life brings change. Empty-nesters go back to school or pursue new interests. I have heard of another mom going to school for social work now that her kids are all in college. I think it is different though and harder for widows. The mom I know of has a husband, she hasn't had to face financial trials or move from her home. Widows bear the brunt of having to recreate themselves totally on their own without the support of spouses. And that can be a trial.

I want to be and feel vital, vibrant and productive again. I know to achieve that I will need to keep traveling down this new path. And I do wish it were easier. I wish I had a supportive husband behind me. I wish I weren't even having to make these life choices and changes. If my husband hadn't died, I doubt I would be contemplating going back to school or moving. Widowhood forces one to take a path unplanned and unwanted. But there is no other choice.

Hope Wherever I Can Find It

It was a very emotional Dancing With The Stars week. Each contestant devoted their dance to a meaningful year in their life. Ricki Lake related that she had lost her home to a fire and had reached a point in her life where she felt she would never remarry again. But she said, "Never say never." Because it was during this period of hardship that she did find love again! She told the audience that she was sharing this to give others hope, so they will not give up. All in all, it was a very touching segment and I felt stronger and inspired by Ricki's story.

Had to go to the dreaded local Walmart to pickup a prescription for my son. As usual, the line in the pharmacy is a 45-minute wait. I picked up an all you magazine at the counter and had finished it by the time I finally got my turn. I decided to purchase it because of a couple good recipes in the issue that I'd like to try. And there were some cute Fall crafts. Most importantly, there was a story about a divorced mom of three, around my age, who ended up moving to a small town and downsizing to a 1,300 square foot home - exactly the house size I am aiming for! I liked what what the woman had to say about downsizing and frugal living and again reading the story inspired me and gave me strength.

I will get through the next school year while my son finishes his senior high school year. I will move to a small town community and will be living there next year at this time! I will go back to school to get back into a social services career. And love will be a part of my future!

Do What You Love

Seeing this picture of the graduates throwing their caps into the air brings tears to my eyes as it did when it occurred earlier this afternoon.

The ceremony started with the playing of my son's composition, which took a moment for me to figure out was his because he added orchestral parts. When I asked him about this later he told me he had composed the string parts his last two days of school. The piece was even more amazing with the addition of the orchestra. I wanted to scream into the audience, "My son wrote this!" But most people were talking and preoccupied with their own families and kids...

The message that came up over and over in the speeches by staff and students was to do what you love. Just a few weeks ago I voiced my reservations about my son majoring in music. I suggested he focus on criminal justice. When I mentioned this to my sister she asked me why? I told her I felt there is more stability in that field vs. music. She replied, why should I doubt that my son might make it in a music career - he certainly has the talent.

After today, I am ready to say to him, "Just go for it." Every night he is at the computer composing music and every day I come home to a notebook left on the sofa with the words to a new song in it. It is what he loves.

My son's half-brother attended the ceremony with his wife. He is a teacher like his dad, 10 years older than my son. He gave my son a gift check and a card in which he wrote the words their father had written to him upon his graduation, a few years before his death. My son was very moved by these words. They were to the effect to do what you love but to not forget to be of service to others. My son cried and felt that his father was a part of this special day. And I was reminded of the strength and character my late husband always demonstrated. My husband, the man who loved fine arts, music and teaching history. But who gave tirelessly to the community and others.

I think my son inherited these gifts from his father and I. His musical talents and his kindness and compassion to others.

The music director is submitting my son's compositon to a national competition as an entry. I believe my son is already a great winner.

We celebrate milestones with special ceremonies like this one today. All this talk about doing what you love makes me realize that that is still one area in my life that I have to work on. Going to work as a restaurant hostess has quickly lost its appeal. I need and must do something with my life that has more substance and meaning. It is not so easy to rebuild one's life on so many levels - it takes time, planning and sometimes must be put on hold because other aspects of life require more attention, such as raising kids and getting them through high school.

Today was my son's day and a very good one at that. But it is also a wake-up moment for me to see that there is still work to be done on my end. It is funny but after eight long years of widowhood and only parenting, I'm not sure what I love anymore. I thought the library assistant program might be an option but there aren't any jobs in that field in the state Sam resides and where I will be moving next year. Back to square one.

But in the meantime I will reflect on this special day and the wonderful four years my son had in high school. I could not have asked for any more for him in regard to a positive high school experience. The teachers as a surprise, lined up in the hallway to clap for the students as they progressed out of the gym. Apparently the line was delayed because my son hugged all of his teachers as he saw them. My friend, a teacher at the school, told me how well my son is liked by the staff. Would he have been as popular and as much of a school leader if his father hadn't died? I guess I tend to think we pretty much are who we are, although I have no doubt that my husband's death has affected my son's overall outlook and spirit.

I was unaware of how difficult from an emotional level these past few weeks would be. Now that it is over I can see how much I wish my husband could have been by my side celebrating in the success of a very talented young man, his son.

Quality

Although tonight at Knit Club I was named "Queen of the Unusual Scarf," and you can see my latest creation to the right, I am going to post on the Q word quality - but queen would sure be a lot easier and shorter.


Quality. The word is all over the place. I see it in ads for nursing homes promising residents "quality care." If a product doesn't have the words "Satisfaction Guaranteed" on it, the words "Quality Guaranteed" are there. "Salon quality at an everyday price." "The quality of life."

It's that last statement that gets to me - quality of life. What happens when your life situation changes for the worse and you go down in life quality? How are we supposed to cope and manage with this? I bring this up because I am still struggling to put the pieces of my life back together and to get back on track. It is not an easy process or quick.

I think about just the mid-aged people out there who have lost jobs and haven't found anything going on a year or more at this point. What is going to happen to these people working in retail or restaurants after they've held management or professional jobs? I know from my experience that working in a non-professional capacity is wrecking havoc on my life right now. I try to be grateful I'm working at all, and I am because it means since December that I have been able to fully feed my family without resorting to the food banks (which I hope to never visit again). But it is still a part of my life that bothers me - the boredom and lack of challenge especially. It does make me feel somewhat diminished personally to have a master's degree but having difficulty finding suitable work. Although I know I join the ranks of 1,000s.

So that aspect of my life does lower the overall quality of my life along with the loss of a husband/partner and being an only parent the past 8 years.

In this society we learn as children to strive for the best we can afford and to move/trade up be it with a job, education degree, house, car, furniture etc. We don't learn much about recovering after a fall. I guess that is not supposed to happen. I never thought everything that has happened to me would occur - an educated, attractive, middle-class, very nice mom/person. I assumed my life would just keep moving up the ladder as I'd been told it would as a child.

The quality of my life is not what I want it to be right now. I'm tired. I don't get enough free time or recreation or sleep. I worry too much. I don't like living or sleeping alone. I want to garden again, laugh and smile more, feel lighthearted instead of always dragged down.

So many aspects of my life to better and work on. Changes seem to come so gradually. I am starting my Library Technical Assistant Program in May. I have to do something to move forward into the professional arena of life again. Simply starting the program will do a lot to restore my confidence and faith in the future. I need to feel that the work I do is of value and importance to the world, something beyond the realm of showing guests to their tables at the restaurant.

Quality in part means excellence and superiority. I can't settle or stand for certain things in my life right now. I have to improve the quality of my life. I have to restore some excellence and status. I suppose I've reached my personal limit. I want a better and easier and happier life.

Days

I have adopted the JC Penney slogan, "Every Day Matters" as one of my mantras. Every day does matter. Even the days when we are grieving, or consumed with pain, worry and frustration. There are times when I haven't thought my days have mattered. When I've been on my own, single and these past few years when we've had to cope with financial instability.

But I've come to believe that this is a very wrong attitude. It isn't right to put my life on hold because everything isn't all rosy right now.

Times are hard for me. But at the end of my life, I hope this blip on the radar screen of life will have passed. And I don't want to look back and see this past stretch of years as ones that I wasted by not treating myself with kindness, compassion, years devoid of small pleasures and happiness.

Each day I wake up and look at and then repeat the words, "Every day matters." Each day is a new beginning. One that we can start over if we've wrecked our diets or need to make some amends. I can greet each day as a gift and a chance to grow myself and nourish others. And to love.

When we're dealing with grief and loss it can be very easy to say life doesn't matter and to put our lives on hold thinking we'll start living again when things improve. I won't do that anymore. I'm doing my best to make each day, every day the best it can be. To make them count. To make them matter because they do matter. And maybe they matter the most when times are hardest.

Books/Authors/Widows

Looked into attending a lecture/appearance by Joyce Carol Oates at the Harold Washington Public Library in Chicago next Thursday but it is booked. She will be speaking about her latest memoir dealing with her grief after the death of her husband. I know this book has been in the recent news. I read a little about it and her reasons for publishing it, in part, she says to educate the public on grief.

My own feelings are mixed about purchasing the book. It is another one dealing with that "first year" time frame. Been there, done that. Seems like most grief books cover the first year and I am so past that now, yet still daily affected by the death of my husband. Why are there no books out there covering the grief years for those of us longer-term widows? Why is widowhood looked at constantly from that single year period? For me at least, the first year was such a blur it was like it didn't even exist anyway.

Have just finished the classic Edith Wharton novel, "The House of Mirth." Why I even read this I don't know except that it is a classic. Surely, a book about the social silliness of the New York upper class at the turn of the century doesn't have a lot of meaning today. Or maybe it does - I'll have to consider that.

But the story is about a society girl tumbling into poverty. One section at the end, really caught my eye. Lily has just bumped into a poor young women she helped with medical care when she still was wealthy. Here are her comments on that woman, Nettie:

"The poor little working-girl who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her life, and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to Lily to have reached the central truth of existence. It was a meagre enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious permanence of a bird's nest built on the edge of a cliff - a mere wisp of leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may hang safely over the abyss.

Yes - it had taken two to build the nest; the man's faith as well as the woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie's words: "I knew he knew about me." (her past with another man). Her husband's faith in her had made her renewal possible - it is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be!"

There again is what I have strongly come to believe. It is easier with a partner, it is easier when you're happily married, two are better than one.

I am sinking under the tiredness of life on my own. Now that my oldest is graduating, in the end, should I remarry or live with someone again, I will still say that I raised the boys on my own - on my own.

I don't know how to act or think any more. Yes, I am working and starting to socialize more. But the women in my knit club seem so remote to me. Two are widowed but much older than I, with grown children. The others are all married and as they share and talk about the details of their lives, husbands doing the taxes, going on cruises, dealing with their houses (I'm the only apartment dweller out the group of 50), I just can't relate and feel left out - as I usually do.

I am not sure at this point how to even act in a romantic relationship and what is realistic for me to expect from a partner. I only know that I am feeling unfulfilled in certain ways with Sam who lives 250 miles away. Do we even have a relationship? He expects me to drive out to be him with on weekends and can't come to see me because of his retail management job not granting him two days off in a row. But I'm tired of this and don't feel emotionally supported. I'm supposed to be content with this arrangement for the next year while waiting for my younger son to finish high school? What are we anyway? He still is gun shy about remarriage. I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't even define and exists at a standstill because of distance and lack of contact.

My job is so boring and also frustrating, after work today, I picked up the summer community college course directory to sign up for the Library Assistant Program which starts at the end of May. I have to do something, anything to move myself into some sort of professional environment.

I feel in limbo and at odds with life and my feelings right now. I don't want this life anymore. Somehow I have to muster up the strength to bring change to my situation. But as Lily reflects, it is difficult when one doesn't feel there is someone on your side supporting and even holding you up at times. Lily in the end fails and can't do it on her own. Why aren't there any books out there relating this life and the trials affecting poor, tired, only-parent widows about ready to fall off the cliff because their nests are blowing away...

Cowls and Change

I noticed at the Knit Club that all the women wore an item they had knitted be it a scarf, sweater, wrist warmers - and there were a lot of cowls/neck warmers. So it made me want to wear something too and with a $3.00 skein of yarn I created my own cowl which I wore last night.

At the meeting, I sat next to a woman whose daughter soon leaves for a mission assignment overseas. She also talked about her 55-year-old husband having lost his job in June. He has been on the job hunt but nothing is in the works and they are thinking of moving to Texas for a cheaper cost of living and to be closer to some family there. I think of my difficulty in finding "real" work, not the part time stuff I've been doing just to make ends meet. At times with this hostess job I am so bored I want to scream! I felt the same way cashiering at the big box store.

This all leads up to Obama's State of the Union Address on Tuesday. It was an interesting speech for me because the beginning of it reminded me a lot of widowhood. When Obama talked about the middle-aged population struggling to find employment he used words such as reinvention and having had known worlds collapse around you. Both of these descriptions so aptly fit widowhood as well.

The references to reinvention are really bothering me. Because having lived a life that has pretty much totally collapsed on all levels, I know first hand how difficult it is to reestablish oneself and start anew. Obama really didn't offer any examples or ideas of how people are supposed to "reinvent" themselves except to go back to school. This is troubling because I can't afford that option now except for a program at a community college because I have to concentrate on getting two kids through college - their education is the number one priority. My educational goals are secondary, yet I need to make enough to find a job where I feel emotionally fulfilled and economically stable.

Obama also talked about the health care crisis. Today I received notification that although my sons will still be covered under the State, I will lose my coverage. How am I supposed to afford medical insurance for myself now? It seems as though I can never get caught up (I'm assuming my insurance will run about $300.00 monthly). We can barely make it on the pension yet we qualify for no benefits other than the insurance such as for food and utility subsidies. My rent alone costs $1,200.00. I need a full time job with insurance benefits. But like so many other mid-lifers out of work am at a loss about how I go reinventing my work and career life.

I heard a horrifying statistic. I seem to recall that it was something along the lines that 85% (it might have even been higher) of people ages 55 and older currently out of work will never find work again. The suggestion was for mid-lifers to somehow try and create their own consulting type jobs and become independent contractors. Easier said than done.

This is all very gloomy and distressing. No one seems to have any real solutions. I want to try and remain positive that despite my outdated and defunct master's degree I can somehow turn my experience around and add some kind of training to it so I can work in an office again as a professional and actually have a health insurance plan. That will be the focus of my efforts at this point. But it is so hard with so much else always on my plate...

I wish it were as easy as simply taking an evening to knit a cowl. But therein perhaps lies the answer. I did knit a cowl to adapt and fit in. I have to continue to believe that it will happen on the major fronts too.

Opening the Door to 2011

My original Christmas gift from Sam was a cat necklace. He was so excited to give it to me and I was so initially disappointed. It looked like the ones my son and I had seen at Walmart for $5.00 and rather than put on a cheery face and say "I love it," I neutrally said, "It looks like the ones we saw at Walmart for $5.00 and after dating for 2 1/2 years I think I'm worth a little more than that." Sam told me the necklace wasn't from Walmart but I still didn't want the cat. Not that the cat wasn't cute - it was, but when I showed it to my youngest, he hooted with laughter and sputtered out a chocked, "Why did he get you a cat?"

Well, Sam got me a cat because I do like cats. Love them intensely would be more like it and I've had cats my entire life, at one point even owing eight of them (after one had kittens)! But that was the problem. I saw myself putting on the necklace and becoming even more branded as a "crazy, widowed cat lady." Yes, I know there isn't a whole lot of logic behind this. But my mind equated the cat necklace with my widowed status and quite frankly I am fed up of being a widow and have resolved to not be a widow any longer than I have to in 2011. In fact, my resolution for 2011 is to work on ditching the widowhood gig.

So I sincerely did not want the cat necklace and wouldn't have enjoyed wearing it. I would have dreaded wearing it. I kindly asked Sam if he would please return it for a design I had been coveting all year - a key. At first he resisted and said he wouldn't take it back and then he said he wasn't even sure he had the receipt. When I told him I would take it back myself for an exchange with or without a receipt he sprang into action and the next day I received my key necklace.

I LOVE the key necklace. It is symbolic of hope, opening the door to a new year and new future. I don't want to keep accepting things that are given to me that I don't like or want. I think all of us are entitled to have things that are meaningful and that we love in our lives. It is one of the reasons I make sure the gifts I give are items that are really wanted or I give gift cards. No longer do I want to pretend to be happy with items that don't make me happy just to make other people more comfortable.

So I got my key necklace and it makes me happy and hopeful. But it does bother me a little that I had such a negative reaction to the cat necklace in the first place. I just want to move beyond the widowhood label, and identification with it. I don't want to be a widow anymore. I want an identity beyond widowhood and one that looks more positively into the future. For me that does mean moving on toward a committed relationship leading to marriage. I hold the key in my hand but need to start opening and unlocking some doors to reach that goal. It is okay to want this and go after it. No one is going to send me a new husband knocking on my door. But I have the power to knock on doors and see how they open. Will Sam open one of them? I don't know anymore. I do know that if he isn't opening the door now, that I need to look for a man who is ready to do so - that I can't keep waiting indefinitely without some sort of formal commitment toward a future together.

Sam feels I want to get remarried because I am insecure. I disagree with him. I want to get remarried because it does offer security and benefits that do not exist otherwise in our society. No one questioned me wanting to get married when I married my husband at age 30. I still want love, safety, security, commitment, companionship - the whole nine yards like most people out there. I know that I thrive in a committed relationship and being in one that isn't exclusive is very unsettling to me. It is time to become unsettled and strive for what brings wholeness and contentment to our lives, whatever that may be for each of us.

Drowning My Sorrows

Today, some of my previous euphoria at having gone to the knitting club on Wednesday evening dissipated. My oldest son is grouching about the van being out of commission and sent me a text at work today that he tried starting it again and the battery just died - this was after I filled it with one of those portable gas cans. "We are screwed!" he informed me. That just about killed my internal mood the rest of the day at work. I've worked the lunch hour all week and it has been very busy on account of the holiday and people being off of work and families visiting and so forth. I have been tired standing the five hours on my feet.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with the van. My little sedan still needs the $600.00 work on it that I've put off since September. When I drive it, it sounds like I'm in a truck but I've gotten used to it and have just tried to grin and bear it. I still have to get my son to Springfield for the talent contest in mid-January besides (another worry). Only having the one vehicle makes it difficult for my son to get to work after school (I can pick him up in the evening) and over Christmas break he has been walking to and fro. Not bad when the weather is mild but a mile and a half walk in snow, bitter cold and ice isn't pleasant (especially with a backpack of school books).

The other damper on the new year is that working this new job means my income kicks me up out of the bracket for eligibility for health insurance provided by the state. So if I keep working this job, I'll actually be worse off because I'll need to pay out of pocket for health insurance and it will cost me more than I'm making. So we will even be further in the hole! The cost of health insurance for my family has ranged from $500-$600 when I have had to pay for it out of pocket and that doesn't even include the co-pays.

I am so sick of this life. Just trying to get by. Single/only parents are really hit hard. I understand why it is better for some people not to work. As it is, how does working this job help me right now if I'm tired and drained afterward and not making any progress because all my income now has to go toward health insurance coverage? Instead of being able to dig myself out of our hole, I just keep digging myself down deeper!

What is so desperately needed in our country is affordable health insurance for everyone! Especially those most in need, single/only parents raising children on reduced incomes. The only thing that will save me here is getting a full-time job with benefits. All these part-time jobs just end up leaving me without benefits and put me in an income bracket that doesn't allow me any type of assistance. It is so discouraging to be stuck in this hole and not seeing an easy way to dig out. As it is, we just have enough to barely make it much less have anything left over for car repairs.

So I am somewhat down and wanting to drown my sorrows in drink since it is New Year's Eve after all. My apartment friends have invited me out to a sports bar tonight for a drink or two. I wish I could get tipsy so I could forget the worries and troubles weighing on my soul. But I only have $10.00 and that will probably only cover two drinks. I'll have to make the most of them.

Taking The Plunge

I decided to go to the knitting club last night because of my terrible morning. My son was starting work at 9:30 and I was to start at 10:30. He left for his job and then came running back home after the van died around the corner. He was hysterical, worried about being late and not wanting to lose his job. I took him to work and then had to deal with the aftermath - the van was almost in the middle of the side street with the flashers on. My son had failed to mention that the van was practically in the middle of the street - I was grateful I hadn't been ticketed or towed!

So now I had to deal with moving the van to the side of the street, getting dressed and to my job within an hour. I got my youngest son out of bed and the two of us were unable to move the van ourselves. It was icy and neither of us could steer the wheel and my poor son was unable to maneuver the van backward. A nice maintenance man from the apartment complex next to ours took pity on us and assisted. He ended up steering the van while my son and I pushed. Then I slipped and fell on the ice - a total wipe out according to my son, which he said he saw coming.

We got the van moved safely to the side and I made it to work not on time, but not late enough to cause a problem. Then I got to start my brooding and worry about what is wrong with the van. It has been giving us trouble with starting but the gas gauge is also broken (sometimes) and my son told me it had stayed at the same position (above the halfway mark) for the past four days and he hadn't filled it. So, I am hoping that we simply need to get one of those red containers you see the poor people walking with on the side of the road and put in $5.00 of gas and see if it starts.

But what got me really moody and sad was the reality that yet again, I am picking up the pieces when something goes wrong and trying to figure out the solution. It was at this point that I definitely decided to go to the evening's knitting club. In the past, I would have been so down and out with the morning's events that I would have canceled. But the way I was looking at it was that this was the day I really should go to the club - when things have gone wrong and I am in need of a pick-me-up. When we keep waiting for all our ducks to be in a row before we can be happy or do something, then I think we'll be waiting forever.

And so despite having a crummy morning and then worrying about fixing the van and then being upset that I have no more energy to keep functioning as an only parent I made the decision to just go to the knit club and not put it off another week, when hopefully next week would be "better."

I walked up to our building entrance and ran into the nice woman who hosted the Christmas party I attended. She invited me to go out with some of the residents to a nearby sports bar New Year's Eve. I talked with her a little about my hectic morning and she commiserated with me having raised two daughters on my own. We both concluded that the nice maintenance man was a blessing because my youngest son and I would not have been able to move the van on our own and I didn't have the time to get it towed and get to work. She just encouraged me to keep going because in the end that is what we have to do - keep at it for our children.

At the knitting club which meets at a bakery cafe in the next town over, I was introduced to the 20-some women there (I was the youngest besides a member's granddaughter). I worked on my door stoppers/draft dodgers and turned out to be the fastest knitter among the group. The cafe owner treated our group to a tray of cookies fresh from the oven (he bakes something every week). We talked a little and he told me that many of the group members including himself are Facebook friends and involved with each other's lives, watching out for one another.

I am glad I went to the knitting group and plan on going again next week. I am enjoying knitting my draft dodgers, which are my Christmas gifts to myself. The cookie hot and fresh from the oven was divine! It was nice to meet and interact with new people. It was empowering to finally go out and do something just for myself instead of having the activity revolve around the boys. It was also exhilarating to go to an event without knowing anyone and have it turn out well. It gives me some confidence to go to other activities in the future.

One of the things I learned this year is that we shouldn't put our happiness on hold until our lives become better or more stable. If we do this we'll always be waiting to be happy. I have a feeling that my seeking happiness even in the midst of hardship will end up resulting in more happiness instead of the other way of thinking - that to be happier I have to already be somewhat happy.

Not Watching Dateline Alone

I am so glad I went to the party in my building tonight. I met a teacher, activity aide for seniors, school counselor who just obtained her master's, 72-year-old-grandma who holds a black belt and teaches karate, a hospital worker, and newly retired former business owner. The apartments I went into were furnished well, clean, attractive and tidy. Everyone was nice, pleasant and more than friendly. They all wanted me to go out dancing with them afterward but I begged off since tomorrow is a busy day for me. They're going out dancing again next week and want me to join them.

I know for a long time I have harbored intense feelings of failure and shame with myself for having had to move into an apartment. I've never lived in an apartment before. Perhaps I had some sort of white trash image of myself for having to be an apartment dweller. Tonight, however, my stereotypes were broken. That 72-year-old grandma worked two jobs after her divorce to raise her two daughters. She comes from another country and had no family to help her. She did what she had to do, she told me. The other women were divorced too, some with tales of rotten ex-husbands in jail. One of these women was an Irish dancer in the Riverdance Troupe. One divorced woman now lives with her mom. The 36-year-old activity assistant is raising an 8-year-old, although there is a dad whom he visits on weekends.

All in all, a bunch of pretty talented and interesting people. I showed them the video tape of my son performing at the talent contest this summer and told them he will be having an original composition played by the band for the spring concert. This new group of friends all said they wanted to attend the concert! Some of the group is going to take a self-defense class next week together. One woman showed us how to make these amazing star ornaments out of cut paper. The activity assistant asked the Irish dancer to show her how to perform an Irish jig so she can dance it in front of the seniors she works with.

I was complimented on how handsome and nice my sons are and that they have always been polite to the residents. I felt a sense of community, kindness and friendship that has certainly been lacking in my life. People offered to help one another in various ways. When I said I don't really have clothes suitable for going out dancing I was told that they'd come up with something between themselves that I could wear.

I sure hope this is not a one-time interaction. I'd like to be able to socialize like this again. Maybe I can plan a pot luck Valentine bash of my own or a January chilly/chili snowman party. I had been thinking of inviting two of the women I've gotten to know in for tea. I joked with them both that it was good I hadn't done so, because it was clear everyone would have enjoyed something stronger than tea!

Anyway, some aspects of my life seem to be on the upswing. I'm looking forward to socializing with the knitting group (one of the members brought in homemade English toffee at the last meeting - what a treat!). Now I've met some nice friendly people here. I'm feeling more confident about pursing a job in my field and not giving up during the process. Most of all, I feel I can hold up my head a bit higher. I'm an only parent doing what I can for my sons to keep them in the community so they can graduate from the high school they've both thrived at and the town they feel most comfortable in. I've done my best under the circumstances. I'm one of those nice people living in an apartment. So what. It doesn't make me less of a person or diminish my worth. As the 72-year-old grandma said to me to tonight as I complimented her apartment, "We might not own it but it is still our home." I learned a lot tonight and I am grateful for these lessons.

Making Spirits Bright

Poor snow covered pumpkins. It is so cold outside. And more snow coming - 8 inches over the weekend. We go from 60 degrees to single digits in a matter of days. Typical for us here.

But this morning when I was out early scraping the car, there was the most glorious and colorful sunrise. Of course, by the time I ran in for my camera and back out to take a picture, the colors had faded and the moment had passed. Seeing that sunrise though was a special blessing. It inspired me and gave me some hope. I was feeling good vibes about my job interview.

The interview went as well as it could. It couldn't have gone any better. I felt totally at home at the agency - the job is a great fit for me, and in fact, there are two openings. I'm an even better fit for the case mgr. opening because of my master's. The other job involves more work out in the field/community with some flexible evening and weekend hours. The case mgr. job is during the day and I'd be home for volleyball, band concerts and track meets. The HR rep and I got on very well. It is a small non-profit agency and that type of environment is where I have always felt most at home. Now I have to wait to be called for a second interview. But even if I don't get one of these jobs, applying for it and then interviewing for them has done me a world of good.

I felt renewed confidence talking about my previous experience which is extensive along with my volunteer work. These are almost entry level positions but I explained I am fine with that since I am reentering the job force having been out some time. This agency would be getting a great deal hiring me. I am a dedicated and very hard worker. But if it doesn't go I am motivated to keep up the search and to continue to find an entry back into the arena of social services where I belong again.

So I'm still set to start the restaurant job on Monday but I sure hope the agency moves fast and a positive result occurs because I'm not that much looking forward to working there. Although I'll do what I have to do. Having been given a glimpse of where I could end up is like holding that elusive carrot just out of reach of the poor hungry rabbit.

I received an invitation to a holiday party being held by a very pleasant and interesting lady downstairs, which is tomorrow night. I have decided to go although the boys will be at a basketball game with their friends. It has turned out that most of the residents of this complex are very nice, decent people. It will be another positive change to have an opportunity to have a drink and some snacks while getting to know them better. I wish I were in a better position to invite people over but our apartment is still pretty full of stuff that seems to not have a place. I have put up two little trees though, although the best I could muster up in decorating ideas was to trim the 4 ft. silver tree with mini candy canes. I'm going to see if the boys will join me in making some yarn pom poms. But that is going to be it this year. Still it is something and an improvement from last year. I'd still like to add a few pine boughs to my antique crocks and put them in the kitchen hung with cookie cutter cinnamon ornaments. I'm figuring I can cut some branches while out on a walk but it has been too cold for walks the past week.

Our apartment has been pretty chilly (well, it is very cold outside) and I've been knitting door/draft stoppers for the windows and front door. This is my Christmas gift to myself! I am debating filling them with rice or beans (from the overflow in the pantry) but wonder if that might attract bugs. I'd love some ideas for depleting my rice and dried bean supply. I think, however, that I'll end up filling the stoppers with kitty litter which is often used.

Getting one of these jobs would pull us out of the near poverty bracket and allow me some flexibility in affording food, clothing and a few extras for the boys, as well as those dreaded car repairs. I have to keep up my optimism and hope. I have to continue to believe that the new year will bring better opportunities and an end to some of this hardship. I think that people need a shot of hope to feel hopeful. Maybe it was receiving that bounty of food last week or the fact that we received some gifts from a kind stranger wanting to provide something for my boys. In any event, those displays of generosity have instilled a greater surge of hope within my soul and I am finding that that is a very powerful force!

But maybe the best news of all (kidding) is that the 4-Bean Chili is finally gone! I finished it tonight instead of last night (wanted to avoid chili before my interview and any tummy troubles). It had been in the fridge awhile so I didn't want the boys to eat it. But I have a steel stomach and cannot see ANY food go to waste right now. Thankfully it has departed but right now I cannot look at a bean!

A New Bunch of Hope

A few weeks ago I received an email from a woman I didn't know. I curiously read it and was surprised at the strange kinship I felt with this unknown person. The subject was about the books this woman was reading and I scratched my head thinking that this was like an update sent to a group of book club members. The thing that made it even more interesting was that the books this woman wrote about were either ones I'd read or also had an interest in reading. Then there was another strange connection. This woman added that she had been contemplating about how we need to work at making our ordinary days into ones less ordinary. I had just written a post about the same subject titled "The Sameness of Days." I was intrigued and ended up enjoying the email so much I saved it but then didn't think much more of it.

Then I got another email the next week and put two and two together when this woman listed all the knitting projects being worked on by a large number of other women. Turns out, this kind angel in disguise is one of the two women I randomly met at the knit shop about a month ago - the one who invited me to join their group and who asked for my email address (I'd forgotten I'd given it to her).

The week of Thanksgiving I received another weekly email and again was struck by this woman's insight and thought, "I like this woman - we think in similar ways." She wrote that she was listening to the new audio book by Carolyn Myss, "Navigating Hope," which deals with finding strength under adversity. First of all, I thought this was a good book for me to check out, then I appreciated her taking the time to relate some of the author's beliefs, which were appropriate for the Thanksgiving week.

She related that Carolyn believes we all need to be more mindful of every interaction made during our day and to strive to be kind in that every action. Since this is a goal I strive for myself, I was very interested. Then she described Carolyn's belief that she is a realist vs. being either an optimist or a pessimist. And I just loved this description! Because I think so often in widowhood I have been perceived as a pessimist for admitting that my life is what it is. Now, there is a new way for me to look at myself and to view the world. I can strive for a good outcome without being overly phony and fake with my optimism, while being real about my life. I just loved this outlook! It gave me some relief and new perspective. I was so thankful for having received it that I wrote the "unknown" woman an email back thanking her after explaining that at first I hadn't known who she even was.

I really thanked her for her kindness in reaching out to someone she didn't even know. I got back an almost immediate response in which she disclosed a bit about herself. She said, at age 55 she had been feeling at a loss because of not being able to find work so she is taking the Library Assistant Training Course at the Community College and doing her best to keep her mind active and strong. Having trouble finding work myself and being interested in the LAT training besides is another commonality.

All in all, this exchange again makes me think about the seclusion and isolation I have felt in my widowhood over the years. We need friends and interactions and stimulation to keep us alive and kicking. We need to hear new thoughts and ideas, whether we agree with them or not to keep us on our toes and our minds clicking. Living with my husband provided so much of that daily stimulation. We would discuss our jobs, news items, people we knew, events in the world and so on. All that was lost in one fell swoop the day I became widowed. I do admit that over the years I have become somewhat self-centered and selfish. It is hard not to when living alone. But I hope to start changing all of that. Just this small interaction occurring within the context of these emails has broadened my world, opened my eyes and given me new insights.

I chose today's photo because of the bunch of berries it depicted. We all need group support and contact with others. Relationships of love, trust and friendship. I am going to do my best to not lose my resolve to attend this week's knitting group and to continue to broaden my group of outside contacts. I don't want to become a withered single berry on the vine.

Round and Round She Goes

I wish it were all easier. I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not finding entry level jobs, nor higher level jobs. Where are the ones that would fit me right now? Those in the middle? I'm apparently not qualified enough for the more professional jobs and yet when I see who is working at the entry level ones, it is clear that I don't fit in there at all. I applied for two positions at the local grocery store. No interest in me, even with my Big Box Store experience. When I shopped there the other day, there were three middle-aged cashiers gabbing, waiting on no one and the one at my register didn't start waiting on me until they stopped chatting. I just stood there waiting to see how long it would take and didn't say a word. So here is who is working there and someone like me who jumped on taking care of customers gets passed over. Very frustrating!

A couple of weeks after my husband died, I was in the grocery store reaching for some pears. And a quite elderly woman's hand brushed against mine. She had come to the store from the retirement home and I remember thinking to myself, I am sure this woman is a widow. And yet, here am I a widow also, at age 44, probably 40 years her junior. That is the first time I referred to myself as Widow in the Middle. I wasn't an widow as she was but nor was I a widow with little babies, a young widow.

Now I don't even know where I fit in. Certainly no longer in this community of intact families. I have sadly learned that a community doesn't make a home no matter how quaint and pretty it is if you're lonely and have no one to share life with. I've stayed here for the boys and high school but at this point am ready to relocate. Living here is a hindrance for me. I understand now why people say it can be a good thing to move and start over fresh in a new location.

I have never disclosed the real reason I plunged into a deep depression at the end of the summer. I found out that my Master's degree qualifications to sit for counseling licensing in my state were changed about two years ago. They increased the number of hours in the Master's program and I don't have enough to sit for the license. So in a way, my MA is worthless at least from the perspective of being a licensed professional counselor in Illinois. This absolutely devastated me.

Now my mood is more stable and the dust has settled. I will have to use my Master's in Psych/Counseling as a launching point into a new career. I suppose I can find a social services job in the field but with all the managed care requirements for payment, they want licensed professionals. I doubt I'll find work as a counselor since I am not license eligible. Very distressing.

Having gone to all these financial aid meetings for my son going on to college, I am considering going back to school myself for some job retraining. A program just at the community college level - maybe the Library Aide or something in health care management. I don't know what else to do to progress so I can make somewhat of a decent living for myself and my sons.

What also upset me in the past months is the disconnect I have felt with Sam - we haven't seen one another since mid-August and a main issue between us is his inability to commit to some sort of exclusive relationship status. I am tired of that and want more. I deserve better. Widowhood is hard enough than to be dealing with a guyfriend not on the same page in regard to what the definition of a relationship is. I haven't given up on Sam because he still means something to me but I am discouraged.

I've already experienced a lot of ambiguity these past few years and to be in an "undefined" relationship, without work, on my own stumbling along here makes me long for some part of my life that is defined, known and predictable. I know none of us really know where we will be tomorrow. Nothing is ever a given. But I want to know that I have a decent job/career, a kind man in my life who loves and respects me and our relationship and I want to know that I'm headed out of this pit of uncertainty. I want to laugh more and feel joy (real joy) in my heart again. I want to have a man buy be a cup of tea or glass of wine and be interested in what I have to say (truly). I want to be of value to an employer again and to have my financial burdens eased.

All these steps I'm taking just to keep on living and going on and yet I only seem to be turning around in circles.

Puzzle Pieces

The week before last served as a kind of catharsis for me. I knew there was stuff going on at the time, but now with a week between and a chance to look back, I can really see the significance.

The week started with that crazy toe injury suffered by my oldest, that required a 2:00 a.m. ER visit. That made me reflect on health and deal with the tiring "only parenting" issue. The importance of my own health which has been an issue of late is all tied up with that too.

After that incident, I went out later in the week to apply for four jobs in my field of social services within nursing home settings. This was a major accomplishment for me because I think I am still suffering from lowered self-esteem due to my divorce and loss of home. Anyway, despite not being able to find my good dress shoes, I put on my interviewing outfit (nice pants and classy jacket) and hit the pavement. And I dealt with the shoes I found hoping no one would really notice my feet. This all relates around work, employment, financial security and redefining my purpose in the world.

One of the days I was out on the job hunt, the HR office was closed for lunch and I hit a local yarn store near the area to kill an hour. This is a store I used to frequent on almost a weekly basis and I became quite friendly with the owner. But I haven't gone in for about a year due to the house sale, lack of funds, and so on. The owner implored me to stop by again soon for more chatting whether or not I want to purchase some yarn. So this event relates to the area of friendship and personal interests.

Now what gets interesting is that while I was in the shop, two nice middle-aged women came in and we all got to talking. Turns out, the women belong to a group of 20 who meet at a local knitting club the town over. They invited me to join them. I was reminded of my need to build up new friendships and what better way for me to do this while engaging in my number one hobby! The women had some commonalities with me - there are two widows in the group, although they are older. There are other women also in transition with kids finishing college - so maybe not a bad group to check out. They meet at a Panera type bakery place that I know well and love, with a fireplace and chocolate croissants.

Then, another interesting aspect to all of this. In talking with these two fellow knitters, one of them mentioned that she has gone back to school to take the year-long Library Assistant Program which is something I have considered doing and want to do myself. It seemed like a sign to hear about this and the woman would be a contact to have in the program if I decide to start with a class at the local junior college this winter. So I took this as a coincidence or sign or whatever you want to call it, reminding me to hold fast to my dreams about what I want to accomplish in the future and to work at a job because I enjoy it and it brings me contentment and satisfaction.

Well, the week ended with my trip to ALDI where I overheard a middle-aged guy talking into his cell with his other half about the grocery list. And he signed off with "I love you." I stood there in the aisle and thought to myself, I am 51 years young and I want to be able to say those words to a partner again. That is important to me. I'm not going to give up on that dream either. There needs to be romantic love in my life again.

So the whole week kind of morphed into all these individual puzzle pieces that when put together assemble what is most dear to me. Like a representation of my current life and what it needs to become - all that reinvention and transformation energy that needs to be undertaken for me to move on.

As I've mentioned before, a life change seems so insurmountable because there are so many components involved:

1. Continuing to parent as an only parent.
2. Being more conscious of the importance of good health for both the boys and I.
3. Developing a new network of friends.
4. Pursing my own interests and hobbies.
5. Getting and working at a decent job now.
6. Building up some financial security.
7. Increasing my self-esteem, self-worth.
8. Taking the steps to enter the Library Assisting Program so I can begin an enjoyable second career in the future.
9. Increasing the love in my life.
1o. Learning to live a full, content and happy life on my own even without a partner right now.

I know when I think of these puzzle pieces in my head they seem overwhelming to accomplish but when I set them down as I did above, they don't seem that unreachable. Just like a jigsaw puzzle. You do a few pieces at a time. Sometimes you get a lot filled in, sometimes you don't. But you keep working to complete the entire puzzle.

I think this is why I felt the resentment I did over the summer, as I interacted with all the married moms at the baseball games. Those moms don't have to reinvent their lives right now - find love again, restart careers, make new friends, parent on their lonesome, figure out how to get a new handle on their lives. This rebuilding of a life takes such a lot of energy and strength and work. I'd much rather not be doing any of this. I had a good life before. And now I'm left to put together a really hard 1,000 piece puzzle by myself when I'm tired and sad and lonely. The choice is throwing the box into the garbage or opening it and dumping out the pieces to start the puzzle. I'm going to open the box as much as I wish I didn't have to.