Long-term Widowhood

This is a wreath I made my girlfriend some years back. It was on her door when I went by last Saturday night. We have a standing ritual that after every "school-parent-activity," such as taking Homecoming Dance photos, we either go out for wine or stay in with snacks and wine.

September is gone. Wow! Fast and furious. I was out of the loop most of the month - under the weather with this terrible chest cold thing. It wasn't until this weekend that I'm feeling more myself. And the cough is still lingering... Then there were still those problems posting my posts, so I kind of gave up blogging and took the month off in a way. Still went to work, tended to my son at home and so on. But was pretty lackluster and unmotivated. No walks in my little forest preserve, no knitting. Only wanting to rest, I would just lie on the bed and think.

This past month I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting. I've come to the conclusion that I'm very, very worn down, physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I would say some it is long-term widowhood and solo parenting. I'm just bushed and tired of this life.

When I was at the photo shoot for Homecoming and in the middle of all the married couples and intact families last week, a part of me called out that I don't want this solo life any longer. Yet coming off my recent bout of illness, I truly lack the motivation or seem to have the energy to move toward a new tomorrow.

I obviously have to start making strides toward getting a new job and advancing my career options. I am not going to die with a defunct Master's Degree working as a crummy chain restaurant hostess. Lying in bed, I concluded that what is actually worse for my self-esteem is not that I'm not married, but that I am not working as a professional. That fact eats at me every day.

I took the Soaring Spirits sponsored survey on widowhood over the summer. I thought it was important for there to be a view from a longer-term widow, which is how I would describe myself 8 years out. One of the questions was something like, "What would you most like the public to know about widowhood?" I can't remember the choices except that mine was that widowhood is extremely difficult. It is not some romp through life. Eight years out having parented two sons going on 10 years, and I am truly wiped out. I've blogged about this before - the fatigue and exhaustion of widowhood. Because it is not only physical but also such a mental drain. Doing everything on one's own, always making the decisions, figuring out the problems, sleeping alone, trying to recover from being under the weather without someone soothing you with a cup of hot tea or warm bowl of soup. Getting it yourself just isn't the same kind of TLC.

My energy levels are just kaput, but I think that I need to start moving in the direction or creating a new life for myself, even if I'm only taking baby steps. I think I need to get back into the mental health field and am contemplating social work and in particular working in a hospital or nursing home setting. Yesterday, I forced myself to take a walk in my little hidden forest - 30 minutes. I'm focusing on eating healthy this month and not stressing out too much.

In summary and conclusion, long-term widowhood for me has been very draining. But then the reality of the matter is that even when you're so depleted and on the ground, you've got to muster up that strength and energy to pull yourself back up again. And I think that for some of us, that is the true nature of widowhood. Falling and always having to pick oneself back up. No wonder I am so drained and depleted. My battery seems to have really worn out.

The Need to Heal

I have been ill since my son's high school orientation night, when I could feel myself coming down with it. Symptoms: cough, sinus stuff, lost voice and blocked breathing passages. I'm not sure what you would call this - sinus infection, flu, cold? Not good symptoms to be experiencing with that extrtemely scary movie "Contagion" recently coming out.

Today, I feel the symptoms starting to lift but still feel weak and not myself. Yesterday I went to JC Penney with my son who asked me to go with him to pick out some clothes. With his work earnings he purchased a vest, shirt and dress slacks to wear for his Senior photo. He had researched clothing costs and sales online and deemed Penney's the place to shop. That in and of iitself makes me so proud but also almost wanting to weep (because of the necessity to count every penny...). Anyway, while at the store I couldn't stand but there weren't any chairs to sit down on. Nor might I add, any sales people around to answer questions or help...

Being down and out 12 days has put some perspective on things. I am more aware of the vulnerablilty connected to our health. And how it is more difficult to live on one's own. Being the sole adult in a household and sick is tough no doubt about it.

I spent some early nights in bed unable to sleep because of the congestion and coughing and just wishing I could sleep the next six months away. Being sick saps your physical and emotional strength. Then I'd feel guilty because I had no desire or ability to go to a couple job leads I'd heard about. My son asked me if I was going to apply. Given that I couldn't even talk, I didn't think it would make a good starting impression. Yet despite being legitimately down and out, I still found myself striving toward something not possible. Here of all times, I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to be sick then heal.

Somehow over the years of hearing people tell me I can't give up and I have to remain strong and yes, accomplish the work of more that one on my own it has morphed into having unreasonable expectaitons for myself. Although, in my view, society holds unrealistic expectations for widows in general.

When we live with someone who is ill, we tell them to rest up, take it easy, take care. We pick up the slack and try to pamper with tea and tissues. I am just doing the dishes which I've left in the sink the past few days, not caring, not being able to stand up anyway.

I have come to believe through the years that all those platitudes that people say to bolster us up are full of air. The crap about being stronger because you've experienced hardship. Or that everyone can keep it up and keep on going. The crap about never ever giving up. Do you know what? I think people do peeter out. That sometimes we give up out of pure exhaustion and hopelessness. And what of it? Is it really so bad to hang it up and step out of the rat race of life for a moment. To take a break from the madness?

In widowhood, we're advised to pick ourselves back up and keep on trudging to make meaningful lives for ourselves. Of course, we need to do that. But I think at the same time, there are times when it is ok to step back and out; to retreat and instead of plodding forward tread instead of moving forward. Or maybe even take a step back. Why do we always have to be moving forward and improve? Getting sick I realize that there are life moments when it may be necessary to hunker down and just be. To maintain status quo may be a feat in itself.

Sink Full of Dirty Dishes

Humor me, or better said, I am humoring myself. These past few weeks my senses seem heightened in regard to widowhood. I've been having a tough time, perhaps because my new job involves so much physical strain. And I was pretty sick. Not a good combination when you're living and parenting on your own and you're the kind of person who needs a shot of support from a partner on a regular basis. Or at least a partner with whom you're snuggling next to at day's end.

The dirty dishes sat in my sink over the Easter weekend, which also included Monday. Tuesday was my day off. But now my youngest was sick. He'd been ill with similar symptoms to mine and my older son all Spring Break. But he seemed harder hit with throat ailments. My day off on Tue. was spent taking my oldest to the dermatologist and then the youngest to check out his condition. Turns out he has Mono. At 6:00 p.m. I was 12th in line at the pharmacy at Walmart and by 7:00 home and exhausted, AGAIN. The dishes were still sitting in the sink and by now I had no clean pans in which to cook dinner. Anyway, I was too tired to cook and I knew that I'd be up at 4:00 a.m. the next morning to go back to work. So it was a cheap Taco Bell dinner for us all.

Widowhood reminds me of a sink full of dirty dishes. It is ugly, gross and even starts to smell with the passage of time. It is hard to ignore because it is such a vivid reminder of what is and it sure makes its presence known, like when some fruit flies appeared.

I tried cutting myself some slack. As an only parent sometimes there is only so much that can be done. It was a Taco Bell dinner night, so be it. My oldest is not home due to his volleyball commitments and the youngest far too sick to stand at the sink doing dishes to help out. Anyway, with everyone so ill the past three weeks, I felt better doing them myself since I knew I'd do a better job.

But still, I was increasingly upset with the dishes teasing and taunting me. On Easter, I was so physically tired I couldn't stand after my shift. That has been a problem - getting off work and not even being able to tackle the chores at home - the laundry has also been piling up.

I figure in time my body will adjust to the physical work load but I'm 50, not 25 and not as chipper as I once was. The dishes sat until my next day off on Thur. and got done and the laundry was started (I started tackling them Wed. afternoon). My youngest only went back to school on Friday - he was out four days. Now I wonder if it was really Mono that I had when I was sick. I remained ill for three weeks and am still not feeling entirely up to snuff!

Some of this relates to the adjustment of going back to work and I believe only parents face their own set of issues related to balancing work and parenting on their own. There is a tremendous amount of energy spent figuring out the logistics of getting kids to and fro.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my boys and I have always put their needs ahead of mine. But still, it felt hard and tedious being at doctor offices all day. I didn't get a chance to recover from working so hard the previous three days and the next day I was back at it. Nothing got done in terms of chores or housework.

I hate that widowhood robs me of choices - there wasn't another option for me - unless I wanted to collapse at the sink those dishes weren't going to get done. And so they continued to sit there and mock me. Now really, what positives exist in a sink full of dirty dishes? Absolutely nothing as far as I can determine. Likewise, with widowhood. What good has come out of this for my sons and I? Maybe our characters have become stronger and we are more compassionate individuals but that is it. And anyway, we were probably strong and compassionate to begin with to some extent. And there are still plenty of other ways to build up character besides tragedy.

It is becoming impossible for me to accept the limitations and realities of this life of widowhood. I am aware that until I am not widowed and living alone, I will not be content and I will continue to feel this vast void. Trouble is, I'm just too tired/lethargic to get back out there to start rebuilding social connections and there doesn't seem to be enough time either. So for now, I'll try to keep more on top of the dishes so they don't pile up in the future and become overwhelming and ready to topple over.

On the Mend a Little Bit

I am on the mend but still not 100%. What I am finding is that while I'm ill, my mood and optimism seem to have plummeted too. So right now along with being sick, I am down and out. I am telling myself that this is okay. I need to concentrate on getting better and forget all those plans to go out and conquer the world. There is a lot of sadness though about there not being someone here to provide a little nurturing. I really believed that by this time I would have long been remarried and reestablished in a "normal" life again. I had so hoped that my sons would have had a prominent and caring male figure in their lives. Part of me cannot believe that the relationships I've entered into since my husband died ended up causing me a whole lot more pain. But why am I even thinking of this stuff? I guess being so under the weather and on my own having to battle it brings forth these thoughts and longings.

Maybe being sick causes us to feel even more vulnerable and helpless than we normally do. Everyday there is such a fight to hang in there emotionally. Now another layer is added - that of fighting to regain physical strength. I am very tired, weak and drawn out right now. Part of me wants to just stay down here in the muck and grime because I don't seem to have much energy or desire to have at it again. Some old ghosts have come to pay a visit - the ghosts of my old house, my divorce, the life I used to have. I could sure use a real person in the flesh and blood right now to drop on by - not one of these old memories. Is this what they mean by the saying "Misery Loves Company?"

H1N1?

I have started work as a CNA at a nursing home and had two days of orientation, followed by two of training on the floor. I was off the weekend and began getting sick throughout the day on Saturday. Flu symptoms, just feeling crappy all around. Tired, lethargic, body aches, headache, sore throat, and awful cough, plus sneezing, runny nose/stuffy nose (yes, both), watery eyes and fever. When I stand up I am dizzy and all I want to do is lie down in bed - no appetite.

I knew I would not be able to get through an 8-hour work day today, so called in Sunday night. The man I spoke to gave me a hard time about calling off during my training. When I called again this morning to speak to the scheduling supervisor, she was more considerate. I told her I did not think I could work again tomorrow and was taken off the schedule. At this point I continue to feel lousy and am worried I'll need to take off Wednesday. The cough has moved into my chest. I got some severe cold medicine and that is helping but I just don't have any energy and can't stand for long periods.

Last night was one of those where the best I could do was pick up Wedny's for my youngest (my oldest ate with his girlfriend). I just couldn't sand at the stove to prepare the meal I'd planned and it was too complicated for my youngest to cook. I'm feeling a little bit needy and wishing for some TLC. But of course, the middle-aged widow is not likely to receive much of that from her self-centered teen boys.

I have been so lucky the past years to have really not gotten ill. The scheduling supervisor said it is common for people who haven't been working to get sick a number of times in the first month they start working at a nursing home. I'm not going to apologize for getting sick. And if I am sick I am not going to work. I know my body and my limitations. It is unfortunate that I've been hit early in my employment but it does no good for me to go in and be unproductive or possibly at risk to the elderly and weak I am in contact with.

I've been out of the work loop for awhile now. And now I remember all the crap that goes on with calling off. Did the employer believe that I was sick? Should I really work even when I'm unwell? I've reached a point in my life where I don't call off to gain some free time. If I call off I am legitimately sick. I absolutely refuse to work at an extremely physical job lifting and transferring elderly when I am lightheaded and under the weather.

Something I learned from my husband's death is that I will not play stupid games anymore or jeopardize my own health by going into work when I'm sick. I won't be intimidated or scared. If I'm sick I need to take off to care for myself. Sad to have to be physically ill before I take that time.

I blogged this post in bits and pieces, having to get up to drop off some paperwork at the school for my son's volleyball team and then to pick up the youngest. My youngest told me "You shouldn't even be up blogging, go to bed!" I would rather not have gone out anywhere today but had to muster up the strength to do - that happens a lot as an only parent. Sometimes there isn't a choice. You're the only one there, sick or not.

In closing, it is crummy being sick. This is when it would be the most helpful to have a loving spouse by my side. To soothe me with some TLC, to help with the boys. Our home space (I still have trouble saying apartment) is an absolute mess since I wasn't up to much over the weekend. And still I feel guilty. That is the clincher. To feel guilty for being sick. Guilty for not being able to keep up, to be unable to work. Is that one of the repercussions of widowhood? We widows with kids end up doing so much of everything on our own, 24/7. There is such a tremendous amount of responsibility resting on our shoulders. We can't afford a day off for any reason. All our organization and planning goes out the window when we fall sick. Our lives become discombobulated.

If anyone deserves some kindness, support and a break it would be for the widow who is sick. And yet because I've held myself up to some impossible standard all these years on my own I look at myself as weak because I've gotten sick. And I feel guilty besides. Guilty for wasting the hours in bed, guilty for not working when we so need this job. Widowhood sucks, getting sick sucks and the combination of the two ULTRA SUCKS!

Skipping grateful list today because I need to go back to bed and lie down.