Communications 100

Ready to see more green.

My college son received the highest midterm exam grade, a 98%, out of all three of the communication classes his professor teaches. Considering that my son only made average grades in high school, his doing so well in college, is indeed a pleasure. I've been thinking about communication over the winter, sparked in part by two commercials that have been airing. Both are for cell phone minutes.

In viewing these commercials, I've been struck by the disparity that can sometimes exist in our great country. Many times. there are contradictions in certain beliefs vs. behaviors. I think this disparity can come up during periods of grief and widowhood and end up making difficult situations more so. But for now I will focus on the topic of communication.

Both commercials feature teens. In the first, an adolescent male about age 16 is sitting on the steps of his home talking to his girlfriend. His apparent father is reading the paper in a wing chair at the bottom of the stairs. The son does not realize his dad is there. He and his girlfriend are arguing over who is the better listener. He goes so far as to sing a song he made up for his girlfriend, which in and of itself is hilarious. In a monotone he sings, "Kristen, you are such a good listener." The expression on his father's face if priceless.

Now the second commercial involves another teen couple arguing only this time the girl is telling her boyfriend she is going to give him the silent treatment. This is because her cell phone plan offers enough minutes for her to be able to be on the phone without needing to talk.

Two different commercials and two entirely different views on communication. One advocates the importance of communication and listening, while the other portrays the very real action of people who supposedly care for one another, not speaking as a form of punishment. Whenever I see the silent treatment commercial I want to scream because giving anyone the silent treatment is insulting, immature, nonproductive and hardly a good way of communicating. But we all know people who resort to the silent treatment and we may even have engaged in it ourselves.

Two very divergent ways of looking at communication in our society. I want the teens in the silent treatment commercial to hang out with Kristen and her boyfriend who are at least doing their best to model respectful communication by really listening to each other!

I once read a definition that made an impact with me. It was that the definition of a mature individual as one who can be angry, upset or disappointed with someone but still love them. This would imply that even if we are at odds with a loved one that we have the strength to separate that issue away from our love for them and not end up giving them the silent treatment.

It makes me sad to see the silent treatment being portrayed in a commercial involving teens as an appropriate way of communication. I am also dismayed that so often we end up almost hating our loved ones and certainly treat them in less than kind and loving ways. Why is our society so adversarial? Why is it okay to treat people horribly by being mean, nasty or not even speaking with them?

We all need to listen more, speak less, and offer way less in regard to advice and our personal opinions.

Being Served

My close girlfriend, a divorced mom, got upset with the guy she is seeing. He is not working right now and complained about their "arrangement" of dining out every week. They have had an agreement where they alternate between paying but he indicated that even every other week for him is sometimes too hard to manage financially.

So my girlfriend decided to "model"an alternate date idea, which was picking up a frozen pizza and a movie rental. But then she also discussed with me, her real disappointment over this entire situation. As she put it, her strong desire for going out to eat weekly comes from her need to be served. To have someone wait on her, provide some doting, be the recipient of attention.

I understand this all too well. Living alone, being alone, raising children alone - there isn't a whole lot of "being served" in that equation. As single or only parents, there is the necessity of looking out for others and over time, that becomes draining. Especially because we don't live in an environment that provides for an equal balance of nurturing and being nurtured.

There is something wonderful and restoring about being pampered and looked after. Even just for a dinner. To have the opportunity to let go of the reins and hand them off to someone else who assures you that you are in their able and competent hands - so you can breathe a sigh of relief and relax a little.

Buying little treats for oneself is nice, but it doesn't take the place of having someone look out for you and your interests.

I think my girlfriend needs to have a heart-to-heart with her guyfriend about how she feels in regard to wanting to be served. And instead of "modeling," she can make verbal suggestions for date ideas in lieu of eating out so much. But I do understand where she is coming from. Many years ago I knew of a church that sponsored weekly dinners for single moms and their children. These dinners were free and involved china, cloth napkins and most importantly of all, the opportunity for the women to be waited on and served. Before the dinners, the moms would meet for an hour-long group meeting to vent and share parenting ideas while the kids met for their own session, which also included games and socializing with other kids from single families.

I don't know if this group still meets and I wish I had had a chance to attend some of those dinners. It is a wonderful idea and one that I won't forget. I hope that if I am ever in a capacity to work or volunteer with single/only parents, that I can suggest and perhaps implement this concept. In the meantime I'll talk with my girlfriend more about this. And I'll remember that being served doesn't just mean being waited on when going out to dine. It can mean anything from having someone remember you unexpectedly or having someone assist you when you're in a jam. My girlfriend's guy is very much a handyman and has been fixing a lot of my friend's broken household fixtures. Surely his repairing her doorbell and clothes dryer warrants a glass of wine over a pizza popped into the oven. I know in my book it would.

Alone - Really Alone!

Yeah! I am able to post again! Some weeks ago I snapped this photo at a summer festival my girlfriend and I attended. I kept noticing anyone that was alone. For some reason I have really felt the effects of being on my own for a number of years now. I think it has to do with reaching the milestone of getting one son off to college and really having a perspective of how much that has taken to accomplish on my own.

Another revelation that happened occurred on July 4th. My girlfriend has a party/bbq that day since her divorce and my husband's death. This year my sons were in Lake Geneva, WI boating, but I still attended. Also there, was an old neighbor of my friend, a single mom of three adopted kids. She has had a tough time of it. Her children were born with numerous birth defects from a drug-addicted mom. Anyway, whenever we get together which is a couple of times a year, this mom monopolizes the conversation and goes on and on about how difficult her life is, etc. I try to offer constructive advice and I have to say that I even find it a change to listen to someone who is also struggling. But at the same time, about an hour or two into the conversation it gets pretty old and even I want to shut this woman up. "OK enough already! This is such a downer! I can't stand listening anymore to your problems. Please try and look at things with a more positive attitude..."

Then I remember that this woman doesn't have anyone to talk to, confide in or simply vent to. Getting together with my girlfriend and I are often the only times she has to ask for a second opinion or relate the obstacles she is trying to overcome. I realize that I might sound like a downer when I talk to others too, and that I probably have in the past. Basically, because when you live alone, you end up with all this stuff that needs to get out and to be shared with others. And when that happens you let loose.

It was an odd realization to find myself feeling annoyed with this woman, even when I understood the reasons for her monopolizing the conversation and why it had such a negative slant. Even worse to see myself in her behavior. And still worse to comprehend on a larger scale the effects of living alone and to see them play out before my eyes.

Clean Slate

It is finally Spring, the season of fresh starts and new beginnings. I am trying to be more authentic to my needs and feelings and expressing them in an open and honest way. So far I'm not having the best of success.

For whatever reason I seem to have hit a wall of exhaustion physically and emotionally. My girlfriend and I talked about this after church yesterday. I think it has to do with cumulative stress as an only parent. She agrees that there is great stress from never seeming to finish or complete what needs to get done. In our cases, there is always left over laundry and dishes in the sink. We've both kind of given up on having tidy and organized households but the fact is, our incomplete tasks are always there starting at us in our faces, mocking us, telling us we're not good enough because we can't seem to get it together.

Then there is the lack of a helpmate/tag team buddy reminding you of what you've forgotten or need to do, filling in for you when you can't, providing moral and physical support...

We both have kids of high school age yet there is a demand to still coordinate their schedules, keep track of who goes where when, to make meals, try to get to the mail. clean, shop, do laundry and so on.

For me at least, I don't sleep well alone and probably haven't had a good night's sleep since my husband died. That has to catch up with you over time.

And the constant requirement of having to make all the decisions all the time by yourself. I'm a better team player and don't like ruling the roost. Enough said with that.

Both of us have Seniors in high school and that in and of itself makes for a stressful year.

When I admit I am drained or tired or need help the typical response I receive is that I haven't organized my life well enough. I hear that other women have to remake their lives after the death of a spouse and why can't I seem to get it together?

Then I'm given the line about having the boys do more. Well, for two adolescent boys very active and popular at school, I think they are putting forth a decent effort. Both have tough part-time jobs and now buy all their own clothing and necessities. They work very hard at school and their jobs, and the jobs involve physical labor. One is in the final months of his Senior year and has numerous social activities to attend. He gets to attend those - he has earned it.

And I hear that I should cut back on my attendance at the kids' school events. But why should I? To me that is punishing the widow and the fatherless kids even more. The intact parents are all in attendance. I want to see my kids perform or compete, and if I'm not there no one is there for them personally cheering them on. But when I explain this reasoning, I'm told I'm playing the widow card and I should have stopped playing that years ago.

I defend myself. I am a widowed only parent. My stating the facts of my life simply and honestly doesn't make me a whiner. It is what it is. It explains why I act and think certain ways I do.

In my experience, widows don't win whatever they do. We're not supposed to complain, or compare ourselves to intact couples. Instead of being recognized for doing the best we can under trying and stressful conditions, we're criticized for not doing enough or doing it poorly. And in that regard we do end up being compared to others, which isn't fair. I can't admit or ask for help. When I do I'm weak and not with it. I'm criticized for bring up my widowhood or defending my children who've had more than their share of heartache.

I'm trying to keep The Four Agreements in my mind here. I should stand tall and hold my head up because I am being honest with myself and doing the best I can. Blast the people who criticize - I shouldn't take things too personally. But I'm not going to back down and give in and say everything is all right and yes, I need to get my life in better order and stop playing the widow card. It is a new season and I'm going to stand tall and state my truth and feelings as I see fit. I can do it sincerely and without anger. I don't want to pretend anymore because it makes other people more comfortable. If I can't do something anymore because it is too hard for me that is the reality.

These are the seeds I want to be planting now. Seeds of honesty, openness, realism and truth as I see it, not how others see it or want it to be. I deserve to live a life of truth and to be able to express what is in my life without being put down, insulted or made to feel I'm not doing well enough. Because truth be told, I truly am doing the best I can and most days go above and beyond. Too bad that is seldom acknowledged or praised.

As hard as it is I will try to overlook how others view me and sing some praises to myself for a change. Yeah me! Happy Spring. This is the season for watering my seeds and having them grow into real flowers - strong, honest, resilient and beautiful to boot. There aren't going to be any fake, phony or artificial flowers around this Spring. I don't have the patience of desire for them in my life anymore.

Angela's Ashes

Just finished Frank McCort's memoir, Angela's Ashes. I have had this book on my shelf for years and avoided reading it because I knew it would be sad. There was already so much sadness going on in my life already, I didn't want to bring more in. But in March, I always try to read a few books by Irish authors. And I'd read a quick one by Maeve Binchey so decided before the month ended I'd finally pick up Angela's Ashes. I finished it in two-three days. And now wish I had someone to discuss it with. It is yes a sad book, but very impacting. So you forgive the sadness.

What would I want to discuss? The role of the Catholic church in the lives of its followers; the funny parts of the book; how angry I was at Frank's father for his alcoholism; the anger I felt at Frank's family for knowingly treating he and his family poorly; the relationship between ignorance and poverty. That would just be a start. I will definitely have to get the sequel "'Tis" as soon as I am able, because now I am on pins and needles wanting to know what happens next. And I had forgotten that this memoir was made into a movie so I can look forward to seeing that too.

I guess the tie in here to widowhood is how much I miss having someone to talk to, really talk to about books, life, my feelings, dreams, fears, etc. You can't have much of a meaningful conversation with the grocery check-out clerk. Both of my husbands filled this role, and I will have to say that my second husband and I talked much more at length and at a deeper level than my first husband and I did. He also asked me to always relate the plots of the books I was reading and I appreciated his interest. To have someone ask you to fully relate the plot of the book you've finished and to really be interested in your rendition of it!

I brought up my desire to discuss this book while I was at my knit club and someone shot back with, "Join a book club." Boy, I've heard that one a lot over the years. But I guess what I'm missing here is not so much the need to discuss a book, but the deeper need for intimacy with another person.

At the volleyball tournament tonight as I sat alone in the stands, I looked at the couples around me. They seemed so familiar with one another. To know someone so well as to have them be predictable - that is a good thing. I imagined these couples going home tonight and into their beds and then making love with one another. Each of them so familiar with one another that the curves and creases of their known bodies bring them comfort, safety and a sense of security. As well as excitement.

This October I would have been married to husband #1 for 20 years and we would have shared the intimacy I felt radiate from the couples on the stands with me. I have never been excited about the prospect of dating again because it will be fun to get to know someone and all the stuff about the glow of new love. The first time husband #1 and I had sex I remember saying to him, "Oh, just let's do it to get it over with. After this first time it will start getting way better."

Talking about Angela's Ashes would lead to more deeper conversation. I hope someday to have the level of intimacy I shared with both my husbands. I hope to feel that familiarity that comes from really knowing someone and accepting them, flaws and all. And in fact loving them for their flaws.

Tea and Calendars

Remember the good old days when the only tea you could buy was Lipton? When I was a kid, my Mom hung a linen calendar towel on the door leading to the basement and we used the calendar with nature scenes from Rexall Drug that we got free and the little paper date books from the Hallmark store to carry in our purses. Anyone recall those?

Today there are 100s of teas out there to choose from and 1000s of calendars. I always laugh when they put the calendars out in the stores in October but this year I'm not laughing. I usually am able to get my calendars after the holidays for half price in January but this year on January third when I went out, the stock was pretty depleted. I had to go to a number of stores and bookstores before finding my daily knitting and crochet pattern calendars. And there were really no day books, which I carry in my purse and rely on all year to chose from. I ended up with the only one besides the Sierrra nature calendar or ugly black leather ones, with cherries on the cover. Usually I get brightly colored floral designs or ones with birds and feel sad I had to settle for the cherries. Next year, I am going to buy all my calendars in October and then will not have to worry about not finding them and being disappointed.

Picking out a calendar is one of the rituals I have come to enjoy about the new year. I am thinking that maybe this year there were fewer left because more people were out shopping and spending and also that calendars make inexpensive gifts. There has never been such a lack of selection.

Then there is the tea. I love Joy tea by TAZO and it is only sold at the holidays and Starbucks. Last year we were so poor I didn't even consider getting any but two years ago went on a wild goose chase for some because I'd waited too long to pick up a box. And I never found any. It was sold out. This year I luckily found a large supply at the second Starbucks I hit and I am so happy at the great pleasure that find brought me as I am only a tea drinker, no coffee.

Such small pleasures, tea and calendars. And also what turmoil they can bring from there being too many to select from. This never would be an issue in my childhood. Not another task to cross off one's list (buy cute calendars with cover designs that speak to you - don't forget to pick up box of special tea that only comes out for one month a year). There is also the added issue of always having to settle because of our reduced circumstances. Before widowhood when there weren't financial problems I bought my calendars in October. But with money being tight, I've waited to the last possible moment and then had a hard time finding the ones I want. I suppose I could go with a cheap dollar store version, but the $21.00 I spent on the three calendars I got seems a fair price to pay for accessories most of use daily and take for granted anyway. Calendars and date books are pretty essential to our busy lives, especially with kids' schedules to keep track of.

And now I am going to brew a cup of Joy tea and delight in the joy it brings my senses. It's been two years since I've had a box and the pleasure is that much sweeter! And maybe, I will pick up a second box to make up for the two years I went without. But just maybe - I find that I have become extremely frugal. Not such a bad thing for this former shopaholic (before widowhood).

Coffee Break

I have not realized with the intensity that I have felt the past few days, of how essential conversation and connections are in our lives. Maybe these past few years I've been so busy just dealing with all the turmoil and changes that have resulted. But now that the dust has settled a bit, I realize how much these two elements have been lacking in my life. I suppose this blog has served as a way for me to "talk" and "communicate" - to release and get out some of my feelings. But it is only a substitute for what I used to have in my life - someone to talk with at the end of the day, to share and relate with, to bounce off ideas, problems and solutions with, to joke and laugh with. It is not the same talking on the phone with someone. There is a different chemistry when you're actually with someone and that person is close and intimately known to you.

Random thoughts circle around in my head. Before, I would have shared them with my husband. So I will now get them out here.

RANDOM CIRCLING THOUGHTS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1. Solved the cookie dilemma by baking up some Tollhouse cookies in a pan vs. on cookie sheets. Just do not have the time or desire that the extra steps of baking individual cookies takes. I try to cut corners wherever I can to save time and energy. At least for now that is what I have to do. Maybe in the future, I'll have more leisure time to do more.

2. They love my son at his new job. One of his football coaches came in with his children and sought out the manager to tell him they'd hired a great kid. The manager replied that they already know that and he has proven himself and is extremely trustworthy.

3. I'm doing okay at my restaurant job. After two days of training they've cut me loose on my own instead of having to complete the typical four days of training.

4. My younger son (boy does he know me) asked if I'm able to be pleasant on my job. He said, "I can imagine you feeling resentful and jealous of all the people coming in and being able to have a lunch out," etc. I replied that I am very nice, upbeat and pleasant with the restaurant guests but yes, do envy the women who can sit in a booth all day chatting and drinking wine (4 glasses each!). But instead of being upset about it, I am realizing how much more we all need to go out once in awhile and add more fun activities into our lives. That will be a goal for 2011!

5. I hate doing laundry in public machines. Whenever I have gone to the apartment office to add money to my laundry card this week they've been closed. It has almost become comical! Yesterday it was for the office Christmas party. I would start doing laundry at another facility but with the cold it is more convenient to do it in my building. But come the new year, I'll check out less costly places. Another thing to add to the list.

6. I do my best to take care of my sons and think of their needs and I want to do that. I had a very tough and difficult childhood and I have always felt my sons have had a heavy load losing their Dad. So if I can make their lives a bit easier I have no aversion to doing so. But it would be nice to receive a thank you once in awhile. Yesterday, I asked my youngest for one. Just another aspect of this life that I don't believe I'd be dealing with if my husband were alive. Because husbands and wives often provide that type of feedback and support that doesn't come from the children.

7. Being at this restaurant job is a little odd for me. I feel like I am regressing and going backward. I mean I've had my share of cashier, server, sales clerk, babysitter, etc. type jobs as a teen and in college. Working with these younger people is a bit disconcerting. I want a sit down, office job. My son told me that one of his duties when he closes at his job is to clean the restrooms. I told him I did that too when I worked at the Big Box Store. I guess I grew up with the expectation that once you hit middle-age, that would be a job no longer even in your realm of consciousness. Oh, well...

8. Getting out and meeting new people and then interacting with the public at this restaurant job has been a good thing for me. Forcing myself to be social and pleasant helps me remain so the rest of the day. And even at this "fake" job, I do feel a sense of accomplishment leaving and having done something positive with my time.

9. It has been very difficult starting a job along with the boys being in their last week of school before Christmas Break. I wish I didn't have to do it because I have ended up feeling more frantic and crazed with it being the holidays as well. I know I don't have a choice. I hope in the future that I have more options and choices. Being forced to always have to do something or take something or there being only way gets very old quickly.

10. I look back and see how I've been living my life the past few years. Always on the go, driving one of the boys to some game or activity or another. Frantically trying to clear out storage sheds. Being buried in past possessions and memories. Never really stopping and taking a moment or two for myself. Or when I do, it is crammed in between some other activity or tied in with one (such as visiting Sam but helping him out with his son). Seeing all the people come into the restaurant and take the time for a break has make me realize that I need more coffee (tea) breaks too. More nature walks, more time for reflection and fun! I think a lot of us widows are way short of self-care, self-nurturing, time alone and doing things just for the pure pleasure of it. We lack extra free time in our lives and have so much on our plates already. And I think I feel guilty too letting domestic duties sit to take a breather. But seeing how the real world functions a little more, has been an eye opener. And so the dishes can sit another day. I'm going to make more plans to smile, laugh, joke, get out and about and be with others. It's time for more coffee breaks and fun. Time to get a little tipsy once in awhile and stop constantly worrying. To throw caution to the wind again and take a few more chances... I want to be able to go with a girlfriend to a restaurant and sip wine all afternoon, while talking and laughing (just once!). To be referred to as "one of the wine ladies" instead of the widow!

Chilly Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Winter again. It is so cold out there. Over the weekend, it snowed but I didn't scrape my car off until this morning - we all drove the van, and it took me almost an hour to do so since the ice was frozen on under a layer of snow. Winter has become my season of dread because it involves having to do more - check the weather, warm up the vehicles, scrape them off, wear more layers and boots... All these other extra steps to add to my already overburdened shoulders.

I had to go out to an appointment that led me through a strip mall. I noticed a number of elderly men dropping off their wives at the doors of various stores. It made me think back to the days when my husband scraped the cars and filled them with gas. Such a blessing when there was another pair of hands to assist with chores and duties. I went on thinking that I sure hope these women realize how nice it is to get dropped off in front of a door, to have someone pay you attention with kind, meaningful gestures that make a task or duty a little easier. I always say that if I am fortunate enough to remarry and live with a husband again, I will be way more thankful for gestures such as this than I was with my husband. I pretty much took his filling the tanks for granted.

I feel in general that all of us need to be more kind, gentle and tolerant of others. We seem to be so quick to snap to judgments and to be right. I hope these women are kind and caring wives at home. Carolyn Myss suggests that when we are ready to criticize someone, that we take those words and turn them on ourselves - try them on for size so to speak. Then after saying them to ourselves, we need to see how we feel. Chances are the criticism we're dishing out doesn't feel so hot. She then advises that we modify our words to be more gentle and less harsh. I really like this idea. To take a moment and step back and think about our words before delivering them. I know it is sometimes easier said - when we're angry or upset words tend to fly out pretty quickly. But with practice, change becomes easier. Just having this idea in my head will help me the next time I am ready to fling some words that would probably be better not spoken. I have a plan in place to step back and reflect. If I don't like hearing the words/advice/criticism I'm giving out if it is directed at myself and it is hurtful, why would I want to pass that on?

Step back for a moment and listen to the words being stated with your head. There is then time to modify those words with kindness from the heart.

Passing on the Path

"It's a beautiful day for a walk in the woods," the grandmotherly type woman said to me as we passed on the path, she with her family, me on my own. I replied that it was a bit chilly and blustery.

These past months of walking have resulted in me talking to those I pass. There was once a middle-aged guy who was sitting next to me in the picnic area eating a lunch of Popeye's Chicken while I knit. We chatted a while. I always make eye contact with everyone and smile. A lot of people walk their dogs. I remember my husband informing me when we rode the bike trails together that the rule of courtesy is to always acknowledge a fellow traveler on the path.

In a way, these walks have helped my social isolation. My social skills feel rusty much of the time. Yes, I talk the odd few words with store clerks and hellos to people I know at school affairs. But long, deep, heart felt one-on-ones are few and far between. Sometimes I think that I am losing my conversational ability. I know in the end, these brief encounters don't make up for the significant connections we humans need to have with others. But they count for something.

It is also the same way with hugs. Hugs are nice and meaningful in and of themselves. But what I really miss is the sense of connection I had with my husband, another human being. When I hugged him there was something almost sacred because of our commitment to one another, our being married and the fact that we knew each other so well. A hug among those who love deeply or are dear friends has more meaning than getting a massage to simply feel someone touching you.

I miss the physical contact and the intimate conversations. Brief hugs in greeting and brief nods of hello along the wooded path are only fill-ins for the deeper intimacy I hope someday to find again. I feel sad knowing that in the meantime there is something greater out there that I have experienced and to realize that there is nothing that can take the place of it. I won't pretend that my hellos on the path are more than they are or that I long for something more sacred. I guess it is like longing for a steak and having to settle for chicken. There remains a sense of unrest and lack of fulfillment.

Social Graces

The other day when I went into the grocery store where I scout for discounted specials, one of the employees passed me and commented that I am always in there. I just smiled and walked by because I felt offended that I'd been noticed and I suppose somewhat ashamed that I'm in there daily to try and snatch a deal. But afterward, I thought about my attitude and the next time I saw this woman, I initiated conversation and admitted that I go in almost daily to check out the deals. She replied that her mother always used to do the same. I felt better that I'd counteracted my previous unfriendliness. I've been going to this grocery store for over 10 years - of course, the clerks know me. There is no reason for me to be ungracious or rude. So what if I go in every day to look for specials? The store comes out ahead because of my business. I shouldn't worry about looking odd or feeling ashamed of my shopping strategy. It has been what has putting food on the table for us the past year.

Today, I took my few specials to the checkout lane and was checked out by one of the middle-aged male managers. I pointed out how grateful I am that the store offers discounts and we got to talking a bit. He told me he was widowed last year and has five children, three of whom are older and out of the house or in college and two younger ones, around eight. He added that he checks out the daily meat specials himself. I felt a kinship and connection with him that never would have been realized if I hadn't made an effort to converse and reach out.

When I walked past the store employee earlier in the week because I felt criticized and embarrassed, the end result wasn't productive or positive. The same thing happened at a football game when I wasn't very responsive to one of the mom's saying hello to me. Later in the game, I realized my unfriendliness was rude and made a point to respond to her, admitting she had caught me with a bad mood. I then did my best to smooth over the situation.

These social interactions have made me cognizant that although I do make a very strong effort to be pleasant and kind when out in public, there are times that I resort to bitterness and I close myself off. In doing so I create disharmony - not good. Compared to the nice, interesting conversation I had with the store manager which definitely showed that lightness, openness and pleasantness are powerful social graces.

I know that none of us can be up and in great moods all the time, least of all me. But it was nice to be reminded this week of the ability I have to control some of my own destiny in a simple interaction that can set the tone for the rest of the day and that of the people I've interacted with. I was also reminded that I can blow it but then apologize and smooth things over. All is not lost if I goof up - there are second chances in which to make amends and heal wrongs.

I think in the past that I've worn my grief and loss as a badge allowing myself to blow people off or interact in public with a stoic distance. But I'm realizing that I can still feel all that I feel and have felt and still be decent to the innocent public who don't know me. It makes the world a nicer place for all.

It Costs Nothing To Be Kind

My mother often said this saying when I was growing up and it had an impact on me: "It costs nothing to be kind." Since my becoming widowed, I've often had opportunities to reflect on these words of wisdom. Before widowhood, unkind comments bounced off me more readily. Probably because I had my husband waiting at home to support me and take some sting out of the biting words. I've noticed that since living on my own, I am far more sensitive to the unkindness I've encountered. I think it is because I've become more sensitive overall having dealt with death and loss. But also that there is no longer a buffer at home to protect and help restore me.

What is it with people? Are we really that emotionally immature or thoughtless to want everything to always go our way? Are we so conceited and self-centered to feel entitled to always be right? To have to justify ourselves to prove a point? What harm is there in acknowledging another person's viewpoint? I just don't get it sometimes.

I've been trained as a counselor. To patiently listen to another person's feelings and thoughts. To put myself into the shoes of others. This skill should be taught to everyone, not just those in the social services field. No one seems to consider other people's feelings while barreling in and telling others what they should do, think and feel. Why is it so easy to give advice but not be able to accept criticism? Why can't people say they're sorry more readily? Why is it so important to have the upper hand and come out on top?

This is what I have come to strongly believe - that most of us just want to be heard and validated for our feelings. That's all. We're not asking to be right or for others to agree. Nothing big and nothing fancy. Just a few minutes of heartfelt listening and then some verbal feedback. Here is a little hint - people don't even have to come up with certain words or phrases. All it takes is repeating back the words you have heard. "I hear you saying that you feel this way about this and that..." How much simpler can it be? Why are the easiest and cheapest things in life sometimes the most difficult to attain?

My Mom was right. It costs nothing to be kind. I just don't understand why people are so stingy with their kindness, compassion and sympathy. What do they feel they will lose or give up by spreading a little kindness throughout their day, especially to those they know can use some?

Today I am grateful for:

1. Ice cube trays (talk about taking a product for granted).
2. Mundane office supplies like paperclips, rubber bands and hole punchers that we conveniently use without much thought.
3. The huge variety of music that is available to us and the convenience of CDs vs. the past modes of records, cassettes, etc.
4. Microwaves.
5. Paper towels, paper plates and napkins.

Enough is Enough!

The light bulb has gone off in my head that the past couple years of self-flogging, berating, beating up on and blaming myself for the divorce are pointless and futile. I have certainly suffered, well beyond the realm of what could be considered normal or appropriate. Enough is enough! All I am really guilty of is wanting to be in another relationship that made me whole again after my husband's death. I had the courage to take a chance at love again. It sadly didn't last. I am not the first woman, nor the last who will become widowed or divorced and then get back out there on the horse only to be thrown off it.

All this wasted energy of taking the sole blame for the divorce. Believing it was all my fault. Even when as a counselor I know that it is never because of one person - it is always a mix of how a couple interacted. One partner may want to believe it was all because of the other but their behavior, values and shortcomings had a role in the story too.

So much of all of this internalized anger against myself is coming to the surface. I am sure it would not have simmered and brewed so long if Husband #2 and I had had more opportunities to talk. But his cutting me off from doing so was a way to insulate himself from accepting any responsibility for what happened. It allowed him to make a clean break and go back to his neat and tidy life without any regard for what happened to the little family he threw away.

As we continued to plunge to the ground financially and in having to sell the house, my beliefs that I was a terrible person seemed justified. This has been a damaging and awful mindset to have. It has been there underneath the surface invisible to others but always at work tearing me down and making me miserable despite the outer image I present to the world.

As do many people who have been abandoned/dumped, I put Husband #2 on some sort of pedestal. Believing to some extent that if I didn't rock the boat and reveal my true feelings that he would come back to me. I also struggle with issues of childhood neglect and so a part of all of this has included internalized fantasies of having the one most closest to me who wounded me, recognize the error of his ways, do a complete about face and return to my life to rescue, save and protect me. How can that ever materialize when the guy is unable to have a healthy emotional connection with his partner in the first place, much less be able to communicate on an intimate and honest level?

I would like to relate to Husband #2 that what hurt me most was that his refusal to speak with me, offer explanations of why he divorced me and even say goodbye to me or the boys made me feel like I was inhuman. That has cut me to the core and damaged me beyond measure. People who are kind and nice do not disrespect those they married (or anyone for that matter). My divorce attorney and the mediator did not justify his behavior but they explained it by saying a lot of people become very mean-spirited and ugly during divorce proceedings. I don't find that an acceptable excuse. As someone who stood loyally by her husband's side until he took his last breath after three long years of fighting a horrendous illness, this behavior will never make sense. All of us deserve compassion and dignity. He knew what I had gone through before he married me. No one put a gun to his head at the alter. If you want a divorce in this country you can get one. He was going to get that - there was no reason to rub salt into wounds already raw, ragged and bleeding.

I'd like to hope that people undergoing life transitions learn, grow and develop into better people than they were before the trials met them. But that isn't accomplished by closing the door to self-reflection and communication. It is very difficult to look at a situation and accept your responsibility within it. God knows, I am not lily white. But I do know that I did not intentionally try to cause harm and pain to others. Most of my errors were those of omission. I didn't realize some of the problems because I was too busy beating down the flames of the fires that had to be put out. Nor did Husband #2 ever really communicate to me the deep level of his discontented feelings.

It wasn't all my fault. I am not a terrible, undeserving person because this marriage failed. I wanted to work at it and wasn't given a chance. I hadn't given up on the love I felt. To be sure, this marriage set me back emotionally. In the end, it brought me all the way back to my childhood 45 years earlier. Who would ever have thought that on that gorgeous evening Husband #2 and I took our vows? Both of our childhood baggage has been at play within our relationship. I deeply regret that it wasn't possible for both of us to cling to one another throughout the storm and make it to the other side. That is what a marriage is all about. It would have been a glorious moment when both of us had stepped out from storm into the sunshine hand and hand together, instead of me doing so on my own.

Free Catch-up Day

The Big Box Store made a mistake - I'd asked for Mon. off to study for my final but they thought I'd asked for today so now I'm off the schedule with a free day. I am going to tackle the storage shed and do the best I can with this extra, unexpected "free" time. Not working doesn't help financially but is the loss of $40.00 really going to make that much of a difference at this point in the grand scheme of things?

I talked to GF last night - about my hurt feelings, his defensiveness, etc. He truly did not think he was being unkind in his remarks to me about it being a no win situation whatever I end up doing. He explained that he was trying to tell me that if I end up staying, it will not be easy and may possibly be worse. He wanted me to be sure that I understood this. Since the guy has never intentionally said anything to be mean or hurt me, I have to take him at his word on this, although it may have not been the best thing to say. We all say dumb things - I certainly have - sometimes even on purpose and we have to be able to be forgiving. It didn't help that we are on the phone and not in person. Being physically together can help avoid misunderstandings.

About his defensiveness - I think men identify with their jobs in general more than women (women may derive greater identity from our personal relationships than men for example). GF took a huge blow to his ego and pride in losing his job and not being gainfully employed for the first time in 32 years. My therapist pointed out that he is probably reacting in a way to totally protect this current job - his feelings around it are so fragile and he is so worried about losing it that he will do nothing to rock the boat at this point.

It was not fair of me to bring him into all of this by asking him to post a response on this blog. As talking on the phone can be, this blogging can only show a part of us and the situation. Of course, our lives are much more dimensional and complicated than what can be described within a post. Readers can only have that narrow view, while I have the one that is based on intimately being with and knowing this person for the past year and a half. We also bring our own prejudices and experiences into the mix and all of us are so different. That is not to say that feedback isn't good or desired.

GF has told me terms of endearment and has offered his support. He does not like being compared to Husband #2 because he doen't feel he has acted in the same way. He has never threatened to leave me if I don't move as Husband #2 did. He repeated that his home will always be welcome to me whenever I arrive there. He is as frustrated by the lack of alternatives available to us as I am. he reminded me that he has never been critical or put me down for my fiancial position (as did Husband #2). He has been accepting of the boys and more than tolerant and patient.

It is GF who has said the being together will lighten both our loads. Life would be easier for us together rather than continuing to struggle on our own - there would be a better semblance of a "normal" life for both of us and our children. Heck, we might even be a bit happy along the way.

Communication and Love

I finished the biography I was reading on the great magician, Harry Houdini last night. All in all a very satisfying read - I don't usually read biographies but picked this one up a couple years ago because it grabbed my attention and was reduced to $6.99. There were a number of aspects about the book from a historical perspective that I found very interesting and relating to grief.

Back in the period of 1900 -1930, there was a huge following of the Spiritualist movement. This was actually practiced as a religion which believed in the occult, ghosts and other unexplained mysteries. Mediums who contacted the dead were very popular and 250 alone were working in Chicago. This group was well organized throughout the U.S., Canada and Europe. Houdini had worked as a fraudulent medium in his early days and knew all the tricks of the trade. It became his mission in his later years to attempt to expose the Spiritualist movement and destroy it. He sincerely believed that the people who profited from their work as phony mediums were taking advantage of those most suffering and in pain - the grief stricken.

Houdini and various scientists (some from Harvard) worked to expose the tricks of the Spiritualist leaders and mediums. It was not easy since there were so many sincere believers. The movement gained momentum after World War I when grief stricken families attempted to come to terms with the loss of so many young men killed.

Although Houdini knew the Spiritualist movement was a sham, he wanted to believe that the dead could communicate with the living. He spent his life trying to prove that such communication existed and died without doing so. In other words, he had a very open mind and hope.

I have never heard of the Spiritualist movement. It was an interesting piece of history for me to learn. I thought of the thousands of families grieving for the death of their young men after World War I and cannot imagine what that was like for our nation at that time. There must have been a sort of collective grief and mourning that existed. I think of how those families are no different than all of us today just wanting one final word from our deceased loved ones. Basically to know that they are okay and happy. To tell them one last time that we love them. Those points keep coming back to me over and over again - communication and love. That is what matters most. I wonder for many of us, if our grief would be somewhat lessened if we did receive a message from beyond reassuring and soothing us.

So many of us did not have an opportunity to say goodbye and I think that this haunts us. I know it does for me since my husband was in a coma for two weeks - with it one moment and the next unconscious and unable to breathe on his own. I can also relate this to my divorce and why that became so devastating to me. Husband #2 did not want to and refused to communicate with me. His refusal to say goodbye to me after our mediation session was especially painful. Saying goodbye is essential for closure and not being able to do so leaves such a huge gap open of unresolved words, feelings and emotions.

Today I am grateful:

1. For another amazing fall day.
2. For those cool State quarters designed to celebrate our great nation.
3. For beautiful postage stamps that are little works of art.
4. For all the symbols of our country - the flag, eagle, White House, Liberty Bell, buffalo, cowboys, pioneers, Pilgrims...
5. For libraries.