X and the Unknown Factor

What better photo to represent the letter X, one of the definitions of which is 3: an unknown quantity. Also, 1: the 24th letter of the English alphabet and 2: the roman numeral 10. I have no idea what this photo is of. Actually it looks a little scary to me. So it is a totally unknown subject to match the definition of an unknown quantity.

Hate the unknown. Just want some predictability and stability in my life. Life is an open book, life is an adventure, throw caution to the wind. I hear these phrases and think they might be good for those people needing a little excitement in their lives. But I've had enough in mine. Opening that door into the unknown has ceased to entice me. I'm not sure I want to find out anymore.

Vision

I was listening to the audio of Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope," and at one point she said that the reason people have trouble moving out of grief is that we are too stuck in our pasts. By that she means we keep wanting for our lives to be like they were before. Because that is impossible to achieve, we remain pretty miserable with our lives.

Actually, I think there is a point to this observation. I know that I wish I had my old life back. Trouble is, I am having trouble envisioning a new life. How are we supposed to do this? It is so much easier to want to restore what we had because it was known and we can see it our our minds. How do I look toward the future when I have nothing to throw my anchor into except a blank slate? My anchor is still stuck behind me because it was familiar and good. The future as an unknown is scary and treacherous.

I guess the point is that we need to have hope and faith in the unknown future. And to cast our anchors out before us blindly expecting the best.

You hear all this advice on what to do but I'm still lost. What are the steps we can take to start our future visions? If I come across any advice on this I'll provide an update, but I've been on this path awhile now and am still floundering.

How Can I Use This?

I have been struggling throughout this summer with comparisons of my life to other's and have been sending out the plea, "How can I deal with all this adversity?" Today, maybe I received a reply.

Reading through the daily newsletter I receive daily, "Lifescript," I saw a link to the very topic of adversity and immediately clicked. It was a question posed in the May 5, 2009 newsletter by a woman who wrote, "I have experienced extreme hardship and advrsity. How do I deal with it?" Now I could have been the same one asking this so I eagerly read the reply from the resident life coach.

The reply began with the reality that periods of hardship come into everyone's life, that adversity is part of the life experience, but that yes, there are some people out there seeming to get more of their share - some people's experiences are more severe. I'm grateful for this acknowledgment because so often I think that people try to ignore this fact or try to diminish it by saying everyone deals with hardship, grief and pain. Just having someone nod their head in agreement that some of us get dealt a way heavier hand gives me some peace. It helps me not think I'm crazy or bitter for believing that my life hasn't been a bed of roses. But I'm getting off track with this. That isn't the point of this post. I just get frustrated when people try to diminish my hardships as I suppose anyone would by simply saying all humans end up suffering. Especially when the hardships I am trying to cope with don't seem to be abating.

But the real point here is for anyone suffering through hard times or adversity right now regardless of the severity is that all of us can benefit from adopting a different mindset. The key is not to ask "How can I get through this?" but instead, "How can I use this?" When I thought about this immediate relief flowed through me. I've been grasping at straws for the keys to help me endure this rough period of my life. And that might not be the way to help me through this. Prayer, positive thinking, emotional support from family and friends and counseling are all lifelines in times of trouble but they may not give us the motivation to strive forward that a new perspective does.

As an option to the self-help measures I've been seeking, asking myself "What can I learn from this pain?"

"How can I grow from this experience?" and

"How can I be a better person because of this hardship?

release me from trying to find a cure from my misery and heartache. I'm removed from having to fix myself and the situation immediately or to even feel better about it. I don't have to pretend I'm strong or to admit that this is a life lesson I'm happy to be learning. I can simply let the reality of my life be and exist around me while propelling forward with the hope that in the end, I'll become a better person. Such a relief. Because I'm not sure there are any answers out there to surviving adversity. You suck up and get through it as best you can and it is crummy and hard and painful.

I'm not going so far as to say that there is a silver lining behind all hardship - I'm not there yet. But I am willing to believe (with a glimmer) that from negative experiences, we can strive for better futures and that in the end, they can be built.

"How can I use this, what can I learn, how can I grow, how can I become a better person?" I don't have immediate answers to any of these questions right now but they seem to provide me with a relief "How can I get through this?" never did. It gives me more strength and power to hang in rather than try to totally delete this part of my life, which most of the time seems to be the best but not easiest option. Because in the end, you just can't cut out certain parts of your life - they're there and you're stuck with them as much as I wish the past seven years would just go away. But we are a sum total of all our parts and experiences from all our years here. So rather than fight and run away from the adversity beast, I have to finally face it.

Ongoing Musings About Change

I don't think I adapt well to change - I've always resisted it and I'm not one who does well handling problems on their own. So for someone who has been forced to go it alone and had to face so much change not out of choice but out of necessity, yes, where I am right now is to look around me and put my hands up in frustration and defeat. Is this a stage of grief? It is not denial but a combination of rage and envy at the unfairness of life. How does someone work themselves out of this mindset? I can't just stop it or will it away. I have to work painfully through it.

I would be in a far different place if my husband had provided enough life insurance to pay off the house. But that wasn't my reality. Instead my reality is that I lost pretty much everything - my husband, my identity, my retirement, my security, my house, my financial resources, my place in the community, my entire world and life as I knew it. Again, I go back to the if we'd had enough life insurance. I wouldn't have lost my home, finances and so on. Those losses are just in addition to the main one of losing my husband, life partner, lover, friend and co-parent.

I feel like over the years I've lost pretty much everything with the exception of my health and the boys. That is a lot of loss and what I term as multiple losses and/or secondary grief losses. Some widows don't have to face financial destitution and I suppose there are others who are worse off than I am. But all I know is what I am dealing with and facing both past and present. I feel I have been stripped bare of everything that was a constant and known factor in my life. And I haven't done well going on and trying to pick up the pieces. Some of us aren't good in a crisis and lack survival skills or life skills or whatever you want to call them.

I've lost everything, I'm struggling to change, fit in, adapt and do the best I can raising two boys on my own. Am I supposed to go through life with blinders on oblivious to the fact that life isn't fair and others have far less of a hard time of it than I? I've always believed that there is both good and bad in the world and that somehow it all gets distributed evenly throughout one's life. But over the past seven years life has been so challenging I don't believe in the good much anymore. I am paranoid that evil and doom lurk behind every corner. The hope in my heart is dried up.

I believe that my attitude is based on how much loss I've had and how deeply it has cut into my soul. This is a perspective from someone who has faced significant loss (death of husband, divorce by second husband, major illness of younger son, death of mother, loss of home, loss of financial stability, loss of familial support, loss of boyfriend to move out-of-state). Those losses, and resulting stress and change are vastly different from that faced by say a 60-year-old woman with grown children and sufficient financial resources to stay in her home and live comfortably. I interacted with such a woman recently in the baseball stands, and while I was sympathetic to the loss of her husband, I had difficulty relating to her life otherwise. She didn't have to raise her kids singlehandedly.

I can't go through the rest of my life with blinders on blocking out the lives of others. So somehow I'll have to come to terms with all of this. And I hope to gain further insight into how those of us dealing with ongoing adversity after loss learn to deal with and cope with the aftershocks of grief. But in the meantime I don't apologize for feeling the way I do. Surely there has to be someone else out there who has struggled with this in the past or present.

Taking a Break from Grief, Growth & Healing

This Law of Attraction theory is freaking me out. Here is the text of an email I recently received from inspirational author Lissa Coffey's daily message on "CoffeyTalk.com."

"What you focus on, you will experience.

When you talk about "what is" or "what was," even if you're just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you'll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it's hard and that you're lonely, you'll find that it is, and you are.

Yet, ALWAYS, you can choose to focus on what's good."

So here I am complaining about my widowhood life and the crap going on at work. I seem surrounded by discontent and hardship. And I'm having so much difficulty trying to ignite some spark of hope. I'm just plain tired physically and mentally and I am convinced that that is playing a huge part. When you're fatigued, it is even harder to harness the energy needed to go forward more optimistically. I am noticing that it is easier to continue to complain than shore up my resources and take some action - in part because I am too drained on all cylinders.

I worry about The Law of Attraction and grief in general. Some of the material I have read promotes the bettering of our depressed/hopeless feelings asap. In other words, when we start feeling down and out, even if relates to the death of a loved one, we're supposed to try and convert that energy toward less negative feelings and continue doing so as though we're climbing up a ladder. There was an exercise on this involving a daughter whose father had died. And the entire process took place in a matter of moments!

I think about the grieving process for me which lasted a good year after the death of my husband and then for more than a year after my divorce. I couldn't just wipe my grief and depression away. And I needed the times that I spent in that horrible, dark, dank, smelly, wet cave when there was no possible way I'd even be able to see a lit match directly in front of my face!

All the acknowledgment about the need for having to walk through our grief into the pain. How can that occur if we're just bypassing our feelings in an effort to be less negative?

But the real question I have for the experts on this theory is this: what happens to all of us actively grieving on whatever level we're at? We're continuously thinking and acting on depressed and negative emotions. If the theory says that we get back what we're thinking of, what happens during the intense periods of grief? Does more come our way or are we given a pass because of our circumstances? Do we all prolong the time and intensity we are grieving because of this law?

I'm sick of grieving. I'm sick of my efforts to grow, heal and come to some answers about all the shit that has happened in my life. I need a break from reading books about The Law of Attraction. I continue to come back to the idea that concentrating on me for a few weeks or months would do me a great deal of good. Doing small and simple things for my benefit and pleasure and perhaps saying "no" more to my sons. Going to a movie or two. Drinking some more wine. Maybe reading nothing in the self-help section at all for a change! Being lazy, taking some nature walks. If I can find them in the storage shed, using the roller blades I bought myself after my husband died and then never used. You get the idea. Taking a break from not only grief but also healing.

I will not be able to take a break from the job search though. Today at work someone told me that over the summer there were nine CNAs working on the second floor and now there are only seven. I have come to the realization that there is no way I can get all the work done that needs to get done - it is unattainable. And for that reason I'll have to pack my bags and go elsewhere. I can't in good conscience work in such a poorly managed environment that ultimately ends up hurting those it is most supposed to help - the residents. I can quit tomorrow if I have to - the poor people at this facility are stuck there.

I'm praying that some "me time" will end up inspiring me and providing me with some energy so I can go out there and job hunt again. And that in the process some of my hope and optimism will also be restored.

Spring Overnight!

Over the past two weeks we have gone from winter to spring. In fact, this really happened in one day on April 1st. Although I love the flowers, new light green leaves and fragrant breezes, having to figure out what to wear has been a challenge. I am never prepared for the changes in seasons. My life these past few years has been so chaotic and disorganized, I limp through the seasons doing my best to throw together suitable outfits. There have been summers where I never got my clothes unpacked out of the storage bags. And so it goes, another new season where I feel unprepared and flying by the seat of my pants.

With moving in fall, I've apparently "lost" some of my warmer weather clothing. I suppose they're buried in one of the storage sheds. By the time I locate them it will be fall again so I'm not even going to make much of a search effort. I could also use some new items but that is another story since I won't be buying any again this summer. I continue to make do with whatever I have and while it does make me feel thrifty, it would be nice to have something new.

I see women in my community out and about in their shorts, sandals and tank tops and wonder how on earth they have it together to be wearing these things so early in the season! I still have sweaters with snowflakes hanging in my closet now. I would so much like and I long for a more organized life where I can go straight to whatever location houses my seasonal clothes to pull out when needed. This all started when my husband became ill and three years of chaos resulted with his hospitalizations, chemo and home care. Then his death and widowhood prompted more chaos, then getting remarried/divorced and having to move resulted in still more!

Part of the shift in seasons upsets me because I now have a hard time adjusting to change. I do better when I can ease into changes. When we go from winter to spring/summer in just a day I kind of freak out. I wonder if it has to do with how I have felt since widowhood. One day I'm married with a husband and the next I am a widow. That kind of abruptness brings on a great deal of personal upset to me. I'm just not quick on the draw anymore where I am able to deal with such opposites gracefully. There is a part of me that tries to hold on to what I know and am comfortable with even if it is colder weather.

Come fall, I'll be hanging on to summer by wearing my flip flops and shorts until Thanksgiving!