What Happens to the Widows?

I was thinking today of the widows who used to blog but have not done so in numerous months. It makes me wonder what happened to them and how they are doing. One was a woman my age, widowed for about the same amount of time with her son off to college. Did she start a business or go back to school? Have others become more used to their situations or met someone and become so busy they don't have the interest or need to blog anymore?

Would I even continue blogging if I was going out or had a fuller career right now? I'm not sure I would. Some of my blogging comes from the amount of free time I have when I'm home alone. I hope that all changes when I go back to school and have to write papers and study.

I am moving into a new era of my life, thankfully. But I'm not there yet. A few more months to go... Until that time I will blog about widowhood as I see and experience it. And I hope to find out what happened to the other widows because it is important to hear their voices and gain from their growth, experience and perspectives.

Alone - Really Alone!

Yeah! I am able to post again! Some weeks ago I snapped this photo at a summer festival my girlfriend and I attended. I kept noticing anyone that was alone. For some reason I have really felt the effects of being on my own for a number of years now. I think it has to do with reaching the milestone of getting one son off to college and really having a perspective of how much that has taken to accomplish on my own.

Another revelation that happened occurred on July 4th. My girlfriend has a party/bbq that day since her divorce and my husband's death. This year my sons were in Lake Geneva, WI boating, but I still attended. Also there, was an old neighbor of my friend, a single mom of three adopted kids. She has had a tough time of it. Her children were born with numerous birth defects from a drug-addicted mom. Anyway, whenever we get together which is a couple of times a year, this mom monopolizes the conversation and goes on and on about how difficult her life is, etc. I try to offer constructive advice and I have to say that I even find it a change to listen to someone who is also struggling. But at the same time, about an hour or two into the conversation it gets pretty old and even I want to shut this woman up. "OK enough already! This is such a downer! I can't stand listening anymore to your problems. Please try and look at things with a more positive attitude..."

Then I remember that this woman doesn't have anyone to talk to, confide in or simply vent to. Getting together with my girlfriend and I are often the only times she has to ask for a second opinion or relate the obstacles she is trying to overcome. I realize that I might sound like a downer when I talk to others too, and that I probably have in the past. Basically, because when you live alone, you end up with all this stuff that needs to get out and to be shared with others. And when that happens you let loose.

It was an odd realization to find myself feeling annoyed with this woman, even when I understood the reasons for her monopolizing the conversation and why it had such a negative slant. Even worse to see myself in her behavior. And still worse to comprehend on a larger scale the effects of living alone and to see them play out before my eyes.

Unity

My youngest son, A., asked me if I would be attending the prom photo extravaganza this Saturday, with parents taking 200 shots of their teens before the dance. There was a question in his voice as he asked me this because he knows going to these events by my lonesome is not something I like to do. He even asked if Sam could come with me so I would not be alone. I will be meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. I assured him that I will be nice and not do any weird widow stuff.

It is unsettling for me to go to these things always facing off with couples. Something about being the underdog... It is awkward and uncomfortable. I go because I want to be there but am so relieved when the whole hour-long thing is over. I grin and bear it.

There is such an emotionally draining aspect of always having to go in and out of situations alone, meet new people who are part of a couple, constantly have the courage or faked confidence to walk into a place without someone familiar to lean on - to feel vulnerable and alone in new situations and circumstances.

I thought of the word unity and how for me it means togetherness and joining two or more into a supportive unit. When I looked the word up in the dictionary I was surprised to see that it means the state of being one. And here I am, alone and one, wanting to be part of a unit.

Remember all the "United We Stand" slogans that were bantered around after 9/11? There was such an emphasis on joining together and becoming unified. The emphasis is on a group acting as a unified front and therefore, the unit is stronger than the individual. I do feel that two are stronger than one. That there is a weakness in standing on my own two feet all the time. Of course I am a strong woman, who has done her best over the years to get on by myself and raise two boys on my own. But on Saturday I will be severely reminded that a lone duck on a pond is more at risk, less safe than those ducks within the safety of a group.

People think that facing challenges makes us stronger. That we grow used to our circumstances and more accepting or tolerant of them. Swimming in that pond on Saturday I will be the stray duck on the outskirts of the flock left behind as the others swim off together without a glance behind them, secure, safe and together in unity.

Lost Time

Here is a funny story. Well, not so funny too. I was going through old mail and came across a brochure for a weekend singles religious retreat. I kept thinking about it and decided to attend and became very excited about the opportunity. The group was for singles over 35 and although I thought I might be one of the older ones attending I was really looking forward to thoughtful Biblical study in front of a roaring fire and taking part of the free time activities offered including sledding and ice hockey. I was especially excited about the sledding part.

I went on line to register and saw that the registration was closed. But checking my calendar saw that I was still within the time period for registration. I figured that maybe the event was filled and decided to call the church after work to see if there was still a way I could attend.

When I got to work I realized that instead of it being the 19th of January, which for whatever reason was the date I thought it was, it was actually the 26th! The retreat registration was closed because the retreat had already occurred - last weekend! Where was/is my head? Part of me was questioning the dates with my mind thinking that it actually was later in the month. But somehow with all that was happening mid-month I lost a week.

I bring this up to shed light on the fact that those dealing with loss do suffer from strange mental relapses. Our minds are on overload trying to cope with grief AND manage the daily events of living which just don't stop. Yet the world expects us to continue functioning on all gears when some of the gears are shut down.

I can laugh at this strange occurrence but I do feel sad that I lost an opportunity to attend an event that would have been I am sure a good experience. It makes me realize that I'm ready to venture more out into the world and to start living much more actively than I have been. Or maybe its not that I am ready, it is just with the boys being older and more independent that I have the opportunity to start venturing out more. There will be other retreats and I will continue to meet more people.

I attended the knit club last night and am amazed at how much good it is doing me and how much I look forward to it all week long. I am knitting more and have met some interesting women. Last night one of the women asked me why I hadn't been more active on internet dating sites and I told her that when I've been on them, very few men have responded with interest to me. She was surprised and said she had a hard time believing that because I am "absolutely adorable!" I don't think anyone has ever described my looks like that - it must be my new cute haircut and glasses. The other week one of the women remarked that I look like a younger woman's sister who is very cute. I asked this young and pregnant woman how old she is guessing she was 31, which indeed she was. My comment back was how much of a compliment that was since I am 20 years this woman's senior at 51! And to be told that we could be sisters.

Those compliments on my appearance are so appreciated and needed. I don't get much feedback on how I really look and it was a huge boost to my ego. Makes me walk with an extra spring in my step and smile at the world more. I definitely see how much I have been missing not having social time out with the girls or a strong social network in which to interact with. We all need to hear compliments, to be told our knitted cowl neck warmer looks great, to hear we made someone's day... Better late than never. I have to cut myself some slack and to realize that with all that has gone on in my life it wasn't that possible to enter out socially until now. The time is now right and I am ready too. Both have to be in sync.

Small Surprising Graces

Yesterday I went to the knit club and had another great evening. The top photo is a crochet pattern from Annie's Attic I am starting work on. I am going to make it into a picture instead of a pillow to frame and place in my kitchen (I collect bird houses and love birds). I sat with two members at the club and got into an extensive conversation about the need for having a job one feels passionate about. I am so glad to have been connected with this group. I also met a woman at work (a customer) who came in and in talking together learned she was widowed, then divorced after remarriage in part, due to problems between her new husband and her two teen sons. We exchanged phone numbers after we also found out that we both collect the exact same type of vintage glassware. I'm not sure how much contact we'll have since she lives an hour away but it was good for me to meet another remarried widow my age who got divorced - sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out there.

After work today, I had a few minutes of spare time before picking up my oldest from school and stopped at the Barnes and Nobel for another browse, thinking maybe I had missed the desktop calendars. Lo and behold there was an entire table of them! I had three kinds I liked to choose from! When I checked out I mentioned that I must be going batty because I'd just been there Monday and there were no desktop calendars to speak of. Luckily, my sanity is preserved because I was told they had recently opened up some stock in left over boxes in the back which is why they were now out and hadn't been out on Monday. So I get to return the cherry design! Yeah! I don't need to win the lotto to be happy - just let me have a cute calendar to carry throughout the year!

Then, when I picked up my son, he told me that this afternoon he was chosen to represent the school in the athletic conference as a student adviser in volleyball. Each school in the conference picks one student in each sport. It seems to be a pretty big honor. Another notch on his college resume/application. He also told me that he has finished the music composition for the band and his instructor has told him it will be played at the final band concert with my son conducting. For the last three years I have been attending the senior farewell band concert and hearing the student composition played at the end. I never thought that maybe in his senior year it would be my son conducting that piece. I have shed a tear in the other concerts - oh my gosh, even the band director cries so how in the world will I not be sobbing this year as my son leads the band in performing his own piece?

I realize now that it was the right decision for my sons to finish high school here and not move with Sam out of state. My oldest would not be volleyball captain or have received this recent honor as Sam's state doesn't have boy's volleyball in high school. Nor would my son have won the school talent show or the one in our community. This was the best decision for our family (maybe not all families) and I am grateful that today I was shown that the hardship we have endured has been worth it in the end.

I am also grateful for the other small graces that surprise me throughout the day. Meeting a woman facing similar experiences, finding the perfect calendar after giving up and having to settle for one and then spying a funny little frog in a planter picking up dollar tacos for the boys (I deal with leftovers).

Small surprise graces to get us through the dark days of winter and propel us onward with more hope.

Word Power

I miss my daily nature walks but at 7 degrees I do not enjoy going outside at all! I find that I am drawn to pots of evergreen, probably because they are the closest I am going to get to nature until it warms up a bit. This morning before work, I checked my email and read two that really touched me. One was from a newsletter I get from Lissa Coffey, author; very into kindness, spiritual growth, compassion. You can look her up at CoffeyTalk.com. Today's message was about change. "Everything is connected...No one thing can change by itself. Paul Hawken" Her message goes on to say that through the words of her newsletter, people are connecting all over the world. "The internet has made the world much smaller, so that we can experience our connection with each other more tangibly. And...as our community grows, and we each experience our own spiritual growth, we affect change in our world. Little by little, one by one, we are making a difference. And as the world changes, it inspires us as we see the possibilities, and we continue on our journey."

Wow! Talk about being blown away at 7:00 a.m.! I identify with Coffey's insight because I see blogging as a way of connecting with the larger world. I know that I hope my words reach others in good ways and that I have been touched by the words of others.

Some weeks back I had that chance encounter with two women from a neighboring town involved in a knitting club and got put on a weekly mailing list. Over the course of a few weeks, the initial emails I was receiving have increased. Now, I receive emails from other members of the group. I like this! I am benefiting from this group before I've even attended a single meeting! One email from last week, also struck me. The woman wrote about her knitting and how as she knit, she was reminiscing about her mother, now deceased. She reflected that she wished she had not been so at odds with her mother in the past because she misses her so much now.

Finally the second email from this morning was a lovely surprise Christmas greeting from a male friend, who graduated from the University of Missouri. He talked a little about some of the highlights from the past football season then wrote: "As all Mizzou fans know, we cherish our highlights because they seem to quickly disappear...we live to enjoy the moment! Everyone - enjoy your moments with your family and friends this holiday season...there is no better gift! Be safe."

Sometimes I find the words of others to be more profound than my own and so I pass them on here. I am grateful for the messages I receive via the internet, email and blogging throughout the year. I do believe, that change and kindness begin in each of us and that all of us have the power to bring more of the positive into the world. Here are three examples, four if you count this blog post of that occurring.

A New Bunch of Hope

A few weeks ago I received an email from a woman I didn't know. I curiously read it and was surprised at the strange kinship I felt with this unknown person. The subject was about the books this woman was reading and I scratched my head thinking that this was like an update sent to a group of book club members. The thing that made it even more interesting was that the books this woman wrote about were either ones I'd read or also had an interest in reading. Then there was another strange connection. This woman added that she had been contemplating about how we need to work at making our ordinary days into ones less ordinary. I had just written a post about the same subject titled "The Sameness of Days." I was intrigued and ended up enjoying the email so much I saved it but then didn't think much more of it.

Then I got another email the next week and put two and two together when this woman listed all the knitting projects being worked on by a large number of other women. Turns out, this kind angel in disguise is one of the two women I randomly met at the knit shop about a month ago - the one who invited me to join their group and who asked for my email address (I'd forgotten I'd given it to her).

The week of Thanksgiving I received another weekly email and again was struck by this woman's insight and thought, "I like this woman - we think in similar ways." She wrote that she was listening to the new audio book by Carolyn Myss, "Navigating Hope," which deals with finding strength under adversity. First of all, I thought this was a good book for me to check out, then I appreciated her taking the time to relate some of the author's beliefs, which were appropriate for the Thanksgiving week.

She related that Carolyn believes we all need to be more mindful of every interaction made during our day and to strive to be kind in that every action. Since this is a goal I strive for myself, I was very interested. Then she described Carolyn's belief that she is a realist vs. being either an optimist or a pessimist. And I just loved this description! Because I think so often in widowhood I have been perceived as a pessimist for admitting that my life is what it is. Now, there is a new way for me to look at myself and to view the world. I can strive for a good outcome without being overly phony and fake with my optimism, while being real about my life. I just loved this outlook! It gave me some relief and new perspective. I was so thankful for having received it that I wrote the "unknown" woman an email back thanking her after explaining that at first I hadn't known who she even was.

I really thanked her for her kindness in reaching out to someone she didn't even know. I got back an almost immediate response in which she disclosed a bit about herself. She said, at age 55 she had been feeling at a loss because of not being able to find work so she is taking the Library Assistant Training Course at the Community College and doing her best to keep her mind active and strong. Having trouble finding work myself and being interested in the LAT training besides is another commonality.

All in all, this exchange again makes me think about the seclusion and isolation I have felt in my widowhood over the years. We need friends and interactions and stimulation to keep us alive and kicking. We need to hear new thoughts and ideas, whether we agree with them or not to keep us on our toes and our minds clicking. Living with my husband provided so much of that daily stimulation. We would discuss our jobs, news items, people we knew, events in the world and so on. All that was lost in one fell swoop the day I became widowed. I do admit that over the years I have become somewhat self-centered and selfish. It is hard not to when living alone. But I hope to start changing all of that. Just this small interaction occurring within the context of these emails has broadened my world, opened my eyes and given me new insights.

I chose today's photo because of the bunch of berries it depicted. We all need group support and contact with others. Relationships of love, trust and friendship. I am going to do my best to not lose my resolve to attend this week's knitting group and to continue to broaden my group of outside contacts. I don't want to become a withered single berry on the vine.

Thank You All

Just want to take the time to thank everyone for responding/commenting the past few posts when I was so worried about the insurance issue. Dan was kind enough to say it is not necessary to comment back. But I have always been so grateful for those interested in me and my life that I want to acknowledge you. I've been a bit overwhelmed with having gone back to work - my free time has kind of vanished!

Kelly - I know you have had a lot on your plate and I am always glad to hear from you because we seem to be on the same wave length. I hope all is calm at your end with the death of the boys' grandfather. This must be a tough time for you so please let me know how you're doing. And thanks for checking up on me!

Anonymous widowed for almost a year - It was very nice of you to comment about my insurance worries and I hope you're holding up and doing okay.

Vanessa - I always appreciate your practical and useful comments.

Dan - I enjoy hearing from you because of the affinity I feel with you with both of us working in the social services arena.

wNs - What can I say? I often think of you and tonight did so when I saw the moon. I am honored that a woman of your artistic creativity and intelligence reads about my life and offers heartfelt comments.

Melaka - I was very struck by your story of your husband losing his parents and his job loss. In the end, I agree, there are times we must do what is right at that time. There will be other jobs in our lives to replace those we may have lost but people are not replaceable. You offered good advice about taking each day as it comes and letting life unfold without our trying to always control it.

Jude - It is always great to hear from you and I like your real warmth and honesty.

Thelma - You always offer a lot of encouragement to me and inspire me to keep going.

Beth - I always appreciate the support you offer me for the decisions I've made on behalf of my sons.

CCC - I have appreciated learning about your personal experiences and you always offer a dose of inspiration and strength.

Again, I thank each of you. You've provided me with a great deal of support that would otherwise be absent in my life and I am grateful for you all!

Emotional Isolation

As I start back into the work force, I have been thinking about how my not having worked outside the home in recent years increased my physical isolation. This got me to thinking about the emotional element of isolation as well. I came across the blog of a mom also widowed at the age of 44. She quoted a statistic that only 3% of married people will lose a spouse to death at this age. That small a percentage really got to me!

I've tried obtaining statistics on how many widows/widowers are out there, particularly for the age group of 40-50. I came across the figure of 16% somewhere but that seems pretty high. I'll keep at it for my own satisfaction. I'm trying to prove, I guess, that with all of our medical advances, today there are not that many people dying in mid-life. At age 65, the numbers dramatically increase.

Point being, when you're widowed at this age, there aren't that many other people out there walking in your shoes. And that results in a great sense of emotional isolation. In my personal experience, it has been very frustrating to try and explain the extreme impact of my husband's death to others. Unless these people had experienced death intimately (didn't have to be a spouse) it just always felt as though I was talking to brick wall. People would nod sympathetically, but I could tell they didn't really fully comprehend the depth of my pain. They seemed perplexed. Oftentimes, I'd hear criticism about what I was doing wrong and that always increased my grief. I felt criticized for grieving or that people wanted to take my grief away from me. "Let me at least have my grief," I remember thinking. "Don't rob me of that right too when I've already lost everything most dear to me."

Being unable to convey how you are truly feeling brings forth such desolation at another level. I questioned my sanity. Was there something wrong with me? Why were so many people disapproving of my sorrow? At this point you have two options. 1. Stop expressing your innermost feelings to others because of the discomfort it brings. or 2. Keep doing it and irritating those in your life. Either way ends up with negative consequences.

It is imperative to get out there and connect with others walking this path. Surprisingly, I found very few available grief groups considering I live in such a large area. Some of the groups had disbanded, others focused mainly on the divorced. I did attend such a group where there was one other widow. We had a hard time up against the bitter, divorced moms. We didn't fit in and the overriding belief was that we had it better because our husband's were out of the picture. These moms were dealing with deadbeat guys and spent the two hours bashing them. The poor other widow and I just sat there shaking our heads and crying. We wished to have a guy to be bashing! Even a deadbeat one!

If I had to do it over again, I would have made a more vigilant effort to get involved in a grief group earlier in my widowhood. Walking this road on my own proved to be too daunting for me. I needed the connection and support such a group would bring. What eventually saved me was finding a counselor specializing in grief and life transitions. I had someone I could share with openly and honestly. She validated my experiences and emotions. This is the key - validation. To know that what your are going through and feeling is normal. And that is not possible when you don't have contact with others in the same situation.

Blogging for me has been a lifesaver. As a super busy mom of teen boys with precious little free time, this mode of contact with the outside world has greatly reduced my emotional isolation. To be able to connect with someone else out there who totally understands where I am coming from. To know about someone else's experience and to totally relate because I've been there too (on the exact same page). It would be nice to have someone to go out with for coffee, dinner or a show - a fellow widow or widower. A physical connection ultimately brings more to a relationship. But I'm grateful for the connections I do have in this mode. It is my lifeline as I continue to swim to shore.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The entire blogging experience.
2. That my oldest passed his Chemistry final with a C+ - this was a class we were concerned he would fail! So he passed and will not have to go to summer school!
3. The temperature warm up.
4. Hot, soothing showers.
5. Being forced to slow down in winter. It is a time to reflect and recharge.