Reality and Fantasy

Here is my giant knitted door carrot. A perfect image for this post which is about reality and fantasy, as a carrot is real but my giant carrot created from fantasy.

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with my reality. I just don't want my life as it is. Of course I know I can't get my old life back. So then I concentrate on a new and better life. I'm doing everything I can to not accept my life as it currently is. I'm going to need some help and direction in getting through this mind set. I'm hoping the audio by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope - How to Turn Life's Challenges into a Journey of Transformation" will help me.

This afternoon before heading out to see my son's volleyball game, for the heck of it, I goggled inexpensive real estate in the college town my son will be moving to in August. I saw the most adorable charming and cozy cottage for under $45,000! I immediately pictured myself gardening outside and filling the inside rooms with my antiques, books and knitting. My mind continued to race ahead. I could probably find work as a library technician in a college town - heck I could even go back to school for my PhD. I enjoyed this little flight into fancy. It was actually giving me a lift!

As I drove to one of the wealthy suburban communities next to mine, I thought about how I am so ready to move from here. It is costly for one thing, and after my youngest finishes high school there is no reason to really stay. In fact, staying is painful in many ways. I arrived at the high school, which is actually so big it resembles a community college campus. I missed a few minutes of the game because I had to park so far away after figuring out which building housed the gym - as there were a number of athletic buildings, I finally tracked down the school bus that drove our team and asked the bus driver for directions.

Just more fuel to leave this area. It is congested and everything is so massive and pretentious. It would be relaxing and like a vacation to live in a smaller community and college town.

But as much as I enjoyed dreaming about the little 1940s small town cottage, I'm not sure that is the answer either in terms of my trying to accept the here and now. To find contentment and happiness in the present and not look forward to attaining it in the future. Still, I think about my door carrot and don't think there is anything wrong with flights of whimsy that make you smile at times. Such a hard concept to balance, our reality vs. our dreams.

Optimism

I am not optimistic by nature. From the time I've been a little girl, I've tended toward the serious, gloom and doom side. I do focus on the negatives of life. Just the other day, I got the boys and I Qdoba for dinner - we had free coupons that expired that night and it was after a volleyball game, so it was late - 8:00 p.m. Of course, I ordered the small Nachos and didn't get any chips to go with them! Then for some strange reason, they've stopped sending me the Values advertising supplement that used to come every Wednesday in the mail. It is full of the store ads and coupons for fast food places which come in handy with the boys. I didn't request they stop my delivery. I talked with the postman and he told me to call the company putting out the ads. I did so but only got voice mail - left a message asking for the ads to be sent again, but after two weeks haven't gotten it yet.

Anyway, my youngest told me last week that I am the most negative person he knows. I wasn't upset, although this was while I was driving him to Build-A-Bear, a 20-mile round trip and felt he could have saved the comment for another time. I've been thinking about his statement. His interactions have been with me as an only parent, first grieving the loss of his father, then grieving my divorce and then the loss of my home. A lot of years with a lot of sadness and strain.

For a while now, I've been toying with the idea of really trying to be more positive in my life. To try and turn the negatives into positives and all that. I was going to even make this a new year resolution and give it a go for a month. But I've changed my mind. Pain, sorrow and hardship are part of the human condition. By pretending to make negatives into positives, I'm not honoring who I am or how I'm feeling. And I want to be as authentic as possible.

Here's the deal. We live in this society that doesn't want to feel any pain. We try to avoid it at all cost and put down people who can't seem to be more positive despite their problems. Well, right not life is hard in certain ways and I'm not going to gloss over that. My life is getting better but it is a slow climb from all the loss. This period of my life is just what it is. Some challenging years as an only parent following the death of my husband, loss of home and financial instability. And you know, that is okay. It can be kind of crummy right now. I don't have to make excuses for how I feel about my life or feel bad on top of all else because I can't muster up the strength to always be optimistic and cheerful 24/7.

I try not to wallow. I do my best to look for the good in everyday. But it is still okay to say that this is a tough time for me right now. That things could be better and that I wish they were. Sometimes to just be coping with the situation at hand is optimism in and of itself. And in closing, it isn't funny to come home with a bowl of uneatable Nachos and it not being worth it to drive back to the Qdoba the next town over.

Clean Slate

It is finally Spring, the season of fresh starts and new beginnings. I am trying to be more authentic to my needs and feelings and expressing them in an open and honest way. So far I'm not having the best of success.

For whatever reason I seem to have hit a wall of exhaustion physically and emotionally. My girlfriend and I talked about this after church yesterday. I think it has to do with cumulative stress as an only parent. She agrees that there is great stress from never seeming to finish or complete what needs to get done. In our cases, there is always left over laundry and dishes in the sink. We've both kind of given up on having tidy and organized households but the fact is, our incomplete tasks are always there starting at us in our faces, mocking us, telling us we're not good enough because we can't seem to get it together.

Then there is the lack of a helpmate/tag team buddy reminding you of what you've forgotten or need to do, filling in for you when you can't, providing moral and physical support...

We both have kids of high school age yet there is a demand to still coordinate their schedules, keep track of who goes where when, to make meals, try to get to the mail. clean, shop, do laundry and so on.

For me at least, I don't sleep well alone and probably haven't had a good night's sleep since my husband died. That has to catch up with you over time.

And the constant requirement of having to make all the decisions all the time by yourself. I'm a better team player and don't like ruling the roost. Enough said with that.

Both of us have Seniors in high school and that in and of itself makes for a stressful year.

When I admit I am drained or tired or need help the typical response I receive is that I haven't organized my life well enough. I hear that other women have to remake their lives after the death of a spouse and why can't I seem to get it together?

Then I'm given the line about having the boys do more. Well, for two adolescent boys very active and popular at school, I think they are putting forth a decent effort. Both have tough part-time jobs and now buy all their own clothing and necessities. They work very hard at school and their jobs, and the jobs involve physical labor. One is in the final months of his Senior year and has numerous social activities to attend. He gets to attend those - he has earned it.

And I hear that I should cut back on my attendance at the kids' school events. But why should I? To me that is punishing the widow and the fatherless kids even more. The intact parents are all in attendance. I want to see my kids perform or compete, and if I'm not there no one is there for them personally cheering them on. But when I explain this reasoning, I'm told I'm playing the widow card and I should have stopped playing that years ago.

I defend myself. I am a widowed only parent. My stating the facts of my life simply and honestly doesn't make me a whiner. It is what it is. It explains why I act and think certain ways I do.

In my experience, widows don't win whatever they do. We're not supposed to complain, or compare ourselves to intact couples. Instead of being recognized for doing the best we can under trying and stressful conditions, we're criticized for not doing enough or doing it poorly. And in that regard we do end up being compared to others, which isn't fair. I can't admit or ask for help. When I do I'm weak and not with it. I'm criticized for bring up my widowhood or defending my children who've had more than their share of heartache.

I'm trying to keep The Four Agreements in my mind here. I should stand tall and hold my head up because I am being honest with myself and doing the best I can. Blast the people who criticize - I shouldn't take things too personally. But I'm not going to back down and give in and say everything is all right and yes, I need to get my life in better order and stop playing the widow card. It is a new season and I'm going to stand tall and state my truth and feelings as I see fit. I can do it sincerely and without anger. I don't want to pretend anymore because it makes other people more comfortable. If I can't do something anymore because it is too hard for me that is the reality.

These are the seeds I want to be planting now. Seeds of honesty, openness, realism and truth as I see it, not how others see it or want it to be. I deserve to live a life of truth and to be able to express what is in my life without being put down, insulted or made to feel I'm not doing well enough. Because truth be told, I truly am doing the best I can and most days go above and beyond. Too bad that is seldom acknowledged or praised.

As hard as it is I will try to overlook how others view me and sing some praises to myself for a change. Yeah me! Happy Spring. This is the season for watering my seeds and having them grow into real flowers - strong, honest, resilient and beautiful to boot. There aren't going to be any fake, phony or artificial flowers around this Spring. I don't have the patience of desire for them in my life anymore.

Here and Now

I don't like being a widow but it is who I am right now. The thought of attending the football picnic/parent meeting on Saturday afternoon yet again alone, and being in the bright light munching on chips by myself surrounded by couples fills me with such dreaded despair, I don't think I can go. It is the first time I'm throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. I can't do it anymore. I'm choosing not to go because I can't stand the pain. It is not worth the effort it takes me to buoy myself up at such events. Seven years of it and I've reached my threshold. Enough is enough. I'll go watch my son play in the stands where there is some cover but being thrust out into the throng of a picnic is another story. Trying to make small talk with people I don't know and will never interact with again ...



I don't want to be a widow anymore but face it, for the immediate time being it is what I'm destined to be. Hard to denounce a part of yourself. I dream about my past life as a relatively happy wife and mother, when I was productive and felt safe. I'd say as a married mom I flourished. I took flight and soared. Widowhood has been a downward spiral on so many levels. But at its core, I have felt unsafe and insecure. I'm tired of all the pep talks about being strong and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Sometimes you just come to the end of your rope like I'm feeling about attending the football picnic. I can't take another step forward.



A couple years ago I read a post by a widowed mom who wrote similar words. She was tired of being alone, tired of dating, tired of solo parenting and even tired of life itself. I totally got what this mom was saying and feeling. I'd been there and I'd go there again.



So I dream about my past life and dream about a future one where hopefully my life will be restored to some degree. I long for a committed partner (husband) and to be part of a mature, growing and giving partnership. Sharing a household and life would ease up the daily financial struggle I'm involved with and make it hopefully less difficult to get my boys through college. I want to be part of something bigger than myself and have a partner to lean on as well as to provide support to. A real grown-up give and take relationship with sex and a companion for social events. I do also dream of a small home or townhouse where I can garden again. But mostly I desire the security and safety I derive from being in a committed relationship (marriage).



Here I am dreaming about the past and dreaming about the futue and hating the present. Just hating it beyond words and also feeling sad and depressed about it. I want to run away from where I'm at right now. Back to the past or get thrust into the future. Anywhere but here.



But I think here is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe not embracing or even accepting it but at least not ignoring it or trying to push it always away. I'm rereading the book by Dr. Judith Sills "How to Get Naked Again." It is basically a dating guide for the middle-aged, but I'm getting a whole lot more than dating advice. Dr. Sills talks about the need to acknowledge our identities as to where we are right now today, not where we were or where we want to go. When I read this I realized how much I have been fighting my widowhood by struggling to be the same person I was as a married mom and how I've been on a quest to escape it as quickly as possible - fight and flight.



But Dr. Sills argues that to move forward, the first step is to live as fully as we can within our life situations. She also refreshingly disagrees with the emphasis on the Law of Attraction's striving for what we want to bring into our lives. Tha shouldn't be the mainstay of our energy. All of this for me means facing my widowhood rather than hiding from it. I don't think that means I have to force myself into situations that cause me pain or discomfort anymore like the football picnic. I still have the right to protect and shelter myself. But I have to stop myself from focusing on the fantasy of my past and the future and devote more on my attention to life right now. I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to do that - always easier said than done. I guess a start can be acknowledging where and who I am right now - "I'm a tired, widowed mom who doesn't feel up to going to the football picnic because it is a reminder of my being alone. Maybe I would meet someone interesting at the picnic but I don't have the energy to go this time. And it is okay to sit this one out. There will be more social opportunities in the future."

Sometimes Lemons Are Lemons

I was thinking about that saying, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" and concluded that it is rather silly advice. It certainly doesn't apply to widowhood. There are some situations that no amount of altering will improve or make better than before. What can be added to widowhood that will take out some of the sour - the endless hardship, loneliness, daily grind, fatigue and struggle to go on as one when you were paired with a loving life partner by your side? I can't think of anything off the top of my head.

Bah on all the dribble that comes from the other sayings and beliefs such as "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Also, my personal favorite, that what I am living through will end up making me a better person. In what way? I'm bitter and drained, tired and pissed off with this crummy life. I don't want to live this life anymore - but guess what? I don't have the option of "divorcing" it.

I've come to believe that some of us do have to face harder lives than others. It isn't fair and there is no rhyme or reason sometimes to what happens. But by the same token, when some people fall they fall pretty hard and they just can't get up again, or if they do rise it is not without significant struggle. So I'll throw in all the crappy sayings about being strong, and fighting back and not giving up... blah, blah, blah. All just stupid, silly words that end up being meaningless in the end.

Some situations are just sour, bitter, lemons and nothing will ever turn them into a cool, frosty drink that we can't wait to sip. Lets cut the fantasy and call a spade a spade. Widowhood sucks and I will never ever make it into something it is not and that it shouldn't be. Right now I just want to spit the widowhood lemon out of my mouth and say "The hell with you!"

"But you have to go on and make the best of things." What if you can't see any best or there isn't any best left? What if you are too weary to keep walking the widowhood walk? What if there just isn't any fight left because the lemons outnumber the oranges and you can't afford any sugar anyway?

Ron Howard Saves the Day!

Last night my son wanted to watch the new Ron Howard produced program called "Parenthood." He had heard it was good. I don't watch much t.v. but decided to view it with him and was pleasantly surprised. The storyline centers around a close California family with four adult children, now raising their own kids. The oldest daughter has just moved back home with her parents to get back on her feet after a divorce with her musician, drug using and dealing husband. She has two teenagers, a boy and girl. The daughter is smoking cigarettes and pot. The son wants to go back home to live with his dad. Another son, also with two kids is kicked off his son's little league team as the coach for badgering an umpire who called out his son. The son, age 8 is experiencing learning and social problems - the school suspects he has Asperger's, a high-functioning form of Autism. There is sibling rivalry between the two adult daughters, one of whom is the golden girl high-powered attorney. But it appears that her marriage may not be as strong as she thought it was. The younger brother is portrayed as the commitment phobe. His girlfriend wants to have a baby, NOW, but he is not ready. Then the bomb is dropped at the end of the hour. Turns out he has already fathered a little boy but did not know until now!

Great real stuff. Thank goodness for reality and not hiding the crumbs under the rug! Middle-aged dating after divorce is one of the topics humorously brought up, along with the grandfather being told off with, "I'm not raising my kids the way you raised me." When the teenage daughter asks her mom why they have to move back with the grandparents, the mom replies, "Because we've run out of money." Just gotta love that! Now it would be great if one of the four adult kids had been widowed or maybe widowhood is reflected between the grandparents in some way. But at this point it is a minor criticism because this is such a refreshing and modern take on life today and I felt they did a very good job at it. I guess divorce is simpler to portray because it is more common for mid-lifers and easier to relate to.

So, maybe there is hope for Hollywood after all! Thank you Ron Howard for having the courage to portray a real family with real issues and real lives. I really believed this was an honest-to- good family that could actually exist! I have to admit feeling a tinge of envy while viewing this hour, though. These kids had the support of family to fall back on and that is not something I can rely on. My widowhood has been a very singualr road.

I am grateful:

1. For the springlike weather.
2. For having medical insurance (I'll devote a post to this topic in the near future).
3. For being able to take my sons to doctor appointments.
4. For being able to get my sons Rx acne medication and not pay through the nose.
5. For being offered a job (I'll post on that too).

Make Difficult Times Loving

I read this short interview from "O" Magazine with actress Julianna Margulies (from 11/09). This is what she said and her words are speaking to me very strongly. So I am passing them along here.

"...I say to myself at least once a day: This is just a moment; it's not the rest of your life. I say it to my niece, who's 19 and isn't sure that she wants to do with her life; when she's 30, she'll wish she had just enjoyed being 19. I tell it to my friends who are having babies. I say, "Enjoy all of it, even the stressful things, because you'll never have that time with them again." What people say is true: You SHOULD live in the present. Instead of making difficult times hard, make them loving. Knowing that this is just one moment, whatever kind of moment it is, is a more peaceful way to live."

The words that really got to me were: "Instead of making difficult times hard, make them loving." Maybe I would revise hard to harder.

My new mantra: I will try to be loving and focus on love, even through these difficult times because they are just a moment, not the rest of my life. And I so want to feel peace.

These next words appear in a little box within the text of the interview. They also speak to me.

"All moments pass quickly - the good ones as well as the bad. So enjoy all of it."

Food for thought for us all as we end a year that I know brought challenges to many and on the eve of 2010.

If Her Husband Hadn't Died...

I wanted this blog to tell the story of a woman who wouldn't be writing it, if her husband hadn't died.

If her husband hadn't died, she would not be sitting in this apartment having had to sell her home for virtually no profit 2 1/2 months ago.

If her husband hadn't died, she never would have married the man who ended up devastating her emotionally and financially.

If her husband hadn't died, she wouldn't be so careworn and exhausted.

If her husband hadn't died, their sons would almost certainly have better grades and be more adjusted (and happier and less troubled).

If her husband hadn't died, she never would have left her part-time counseling job with the county.

If her husband hadn't died, she would not have gone six long years without any kind of vacation (even a mini weekend getaway).

If her husband hadn't died, the vast majority of the household goods owned by the family would not be sitting in two extremely untidy storage units.

If her husband hadn't died, a small family would not currently be on the brink of losing everything.

If her husband hadn't died, their sons would not be celebrating Christmas for the second year in a row without receiving presents.

If her husband hadn't died, there would not have been the financial struggle that has existed and which just worsened with the divorce and Recession.

If her husband hadn't died, this woman would not have had to go looking for another partner with whom to share her life since she wants to be with someone. Happy dating in the land of middle-age flab, sags, grey hair and wrinkles! Not to mention financial and ex-spouse baggage. And all the drama that goes with the kids. Whoo hoo! It is time to party! Oh and then there is all the fun worrying about STDs.

If her husband hadn't died, life would not have been the challenge it has been the past six long years.

This is not some joke or fiction. It is all real and I do my best to convey what is happening in my life honestly. Why? Maybe it will end up helping someone along the way. Maybe my tale will let others know that grief doesn't stop after the first year. And for some of us, the secondary losses of financial hardship, divorce after remarriage and only parenting take a far greater toll than the actual death of our spouses. I hope maybe to somehow get through that women like me fall through the cracks because we don't qualify for any financial assistance but that what we earn on our own isn't enough to raise the children that were left behind for us to bring up on our own. I hope to depict that it is a very hard and lonely road for some of us to stumble along everyday.

New challenges abound. If we remarry and move, how will that impact our kids? What about the kids who have led a less than stable life in their formative years? How screwed up will mine be having been rejected by their mom's second husband so soon after their beloved Dad died? Everyone says kids are resilient and will come out just fine. But I'm not sure I believe that anymore. No one seems to remember the kids or the widow after the first few months. But where was the magic wand that was supposed to be waved to have made it all better? Do people honestly think that with the passage of time everything just turns out? It doesn't for some of us, nor is being an only parent the best thing for kids. They need and deserve to be raised in a family or at least within a loving network that provides support to the widow/widower and the kids. But for some of us without much family, our lives become isolated and we parent on our own out of necessity. It is a very hard job to undertake. No one sees the underlying stress and strain that results from this relentless job.

It snowed this morning and here again comes my greatest fear of the winter - that I will fall and break a leg and there will be no one to assist me with the kids or my recovery. I will myself not to get sick every year because I cannot afford to.

I wish I were not this woman whose husband died and that the following years had not led us to this point. I wish you had all gotten to know the woman I was before stress and strain left me jaded and pessimistic and so down all the time. I wish this were not my real life and I was just making all this up!

If My husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen, all of the crazy events of the past years would have never happened and I would just be a normal, middle-aged soccer mom who had never even thought of the screen name Widow-in-the-Middle. Tonight I just so wish I was that normal, middle-aged mom. I want to pretend that I am for a little while.

"Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Your Life."

What a crazy week it has been getting here.

Mon. 11/23 - Schedulded for work since I normally had this day off from school. But because of Thanksgiving on Thur., the school switched Thursday's class to Monday. So I was in a panic to find someone to work for me, which I thankfully did so I could go to class.

Tue. 11/24 - Attended class which was mainly a review for the final but also a pot luck party which I really enjoyed. It is sad to say that we are skimping on food so much that being able to eat nice food at a pot luck or party is such a treat! I am not ashamed to go back for seconds.

Wed. 11/25 - Got a 92% on the final exam. It as one of the highest scores. I made 3 silly errors that I should have gotten right. Came home to work on the storage shed consolidation. Got son haircut.

Thur. 11/26 - Thanksgiving. Had two helpings of dinner and a small slice of pumpkin and apple pie. Ditto my comment about having an opportunity to partake of a nice meal. The day went very well with my family but there is stress involved with such get-togethers. The night was cold and rainy but I still tried to work at the storage shed. Because of computer glitch I could not gain entry but maybe that was for the best.

Fri. 11/27 - Put in an eight-hour shift cashiering Black Friday at the big box store. They did provide a nice lunch for everyone (cold cuts, cheeses, chips, dip, veggies, fruit, potato salad, cookies, cake, pop). Again, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this meal, especially the fruit. I took some home with me. After work, my close girlfriend treated me to dinner out. We both got fried chicken salads with soup and I saved half my salad for Sat. I am finding that the poorer I have become, the more food means to me. And that is a sad observation to be aware of! Gave my manager notice and he requested two weeks. I asked for a transfer to a local store near the town we are moving to but not sure of the liklihood.

Sat. 11/28 - Finished moving the contents of one 11 x 30 shed into another. Now I only have two sheds - an 11 x 30 and an 11 x 20. Before I was paying $600.00 monthly for the three sheds which of course is impossible to afford. Trouble was, after working an exhausting Black Friday, the strain of moving things at the shed left me physically exhausted! Plus, I ran out of room and ended up taking the excess to the apartment. So the apartment is overstuffed with a bike in the kitchen and so on. I figure we are not going to be living there so what does it matter? Had to work from 5-11 p.m. Just very tired.

Sun. 11/29 - Went to my final school clinical at the nursing home on only four hours of sleep (but that is how it has been the past five weeks since I have worked Sat. nights until closing). Got the highest score on the final clinical exam (90%) but again made silly errors. Class let out early and I'd hoped to get an earlier start with driving to our new home but my oldest was with his girlfriend and not being cooperative. I did go to the apartment rental office to give notice of my intent to move. Breaking my lease early will result in some costly charges but the rental company will work with me to pay them off over a monthly time frame. We are looking at $2,000.00! From there it was a mad dash packing up things for a week's stay. There hadn't been time to organize earlier in the week so our packing was of the throw it all in bags strategy. Both boys were exceedingly rude and nasty to me during the afternoon and for about three-quarters of the four-hour drive. Basically, they blamed me for having to move since I haven't been able to get a full-time job, threatend to not do their homework, refused to particpate in sports, claimed they would not speak to anyone ever at the new school, that sort of thing. I know they are upset with the move so I tried to bear it but my resolve was running thin and I told them that I will not tolerate disrespect, etc. The little restaurant we like to stop at half-way was closed so we just grabbed some McDonald's which we ate in the car. We got in about 8:45. My sister kindly called me to see how we were doing. She mentioned that my brother told her how much he likes GF (even more than Husband #1 and Husband #2. I felt a little bad about that because Husband #1 isn't here anymore but I tried to take it as a compliment about GF who really is about as decent a guy as you can get).

Mon. Today 11/30 - We escorted the boys to the guidance office at 7:30 but left as we were the only parents there. GF and I then went to Walmart for groceries. We came home and handled financial matters, e.g. making an appointment to transfer my car/life insurance over to GF's new local agent, etc. We also made a truck reservation for me this weekend so I can clear out the smaller storage shed since I have to go back to work on Sat. night anyway and I'll bring the boys with me so they can see their friends while I am at work. We'll put the contents of that shed into the garage here where I can finally have a chance to get through it once and for all! A lot of it is from my parent's home from the sale of their house two years ago. It will be so wonderful to knock the monthly expense of two of the storage sheds off. As it is now, we will have a very tight month financially this December which is so sad bcause it is the most magical month of the year. And we've had such meager holidays the past two years (I heard about that too from the boys). I hope we will be able to get them something. As long as I can have some nice food here in the house for everyone I will be happy.

Now the boys are still at school and GF at work. I am bracing up for hearing an earful when they come home. It is a bit surreal that I am sitting in a living room of a home that I will now be residing in. GF said goodnight to me last night by saying, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." I was way too tired to make any witty replies. I am grateful to be sitting here in a home again with groceries in the pantry. Enough for the entire week. I am glad I took the Certified Nursing Asst. class. If I don't get hired for a social services job I will seek employment at a nursing home. It all could be worse. The sun is out and the tidy neighborhood we live in is quiet and peaceful. GF will come home this evening and my sons will be here. We will be safe, sound and sheltered. The boys have their pick of soup and a grilled cheese or two with carrot sticks, sloppy joes with tater tots and corn, spaghetti with garlic bread or Enchilladas for dinner. Cheap and filling.

No one has starved. We somehow made it. It hasn't been easy. I remain terribly worried about finances and must find a job as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will take some downtime with getting the smaller storage shed moved and then we have to focus on moving out the contents of the apartment. I will go back home to take the state CNA certification exam in mid-Jan. In fact, since I had to give a 60-day notice with the apt., we will go back over Christmas break for one week so the boys can be with their friends.

What I dreaded so much was the move to the apartment. But we all got through that and in the end, it was certainly not as bad as what I'd anticipated in my mind. The constant shuffling around and moving of my possesions from such a big home to a smaller place has been the real pain. All in all, we only spent 2 1/2 months living in the apartment. And already we've moved onward and upward.

But the most amazing piece of all of this for me is to have truly fallen to the lowest financial level I have ever been. Once the rent and bills are paid this month there is NOTHING left for food. And I am not even sure if there will be enough for all the bills. If GF hadn't been here for us I'm not sure what would have happened. I feel as though he has saved us. It is hard to describe in words how I really feel inside. To know that you have fallen to the bottom of a long and dark basement staircase. But thankfully someone helps you up, turns on the light and starts guiding you back up the stairs. We could have spent a long time in a musty, damp, dank basement. By a stroke of luck or a miracle or both, our time on the basement floor was very brief. As soon as we fell, we were picked right back up. There that describes it perfectly. To be picked up at the exact moment of hitting the bottom. That is what it feels like to me. If that isn't getting saved, I don't know what is.

Fork in the Road

I took my boys out of school today to visit the town, house and school where GF now lives. We left yesterday right after school and survived the four-hour drive in the dark. It was exceptionally nice to sleep with GF last night - just to be in the same bed with him and to be able to sleep the whole night through. I derive a lot of comfort out of that. Basically, it was worth the entire trip just for that aspect. I have only rarely spent the night with him because of not wanting to leave the boys home alone. So to have all of us under the same roof, safe and together was very comforting.

The tour at the school lasted three hours. They couldn't have been nicer. ALL the coaches met the boys, plus the activities director and the band teacher, who it ends up knows my son's current band teacher. He said he was going to call him this afternoon to say he'd met my son! They just really rolled out the red carpet for the boys and were practically drooling with the hope that the boys would play football and baseball. I liked how the football coach honestly described the school. He said they are located in a decent blue collar community so the test scores may not be the best but the teachers really work with the students and the school functions as a very strong community. I really sensed that during the tour.

That honest description of the town impresses me. Since my husband's death I've become so much more down-to-earth and less materialistic. Give me a straight up blue collar guy anyday over a stuck-up more wealthy professional. I've had the later with Husband #2 and where did that get me? Just more poor and miserable in the end!

The boys were very polite (thank God) but afterward compalined that they did not see "one hot chick" and that "everyone looks EMO." They have eyes and are observant so they did acknowledge that the town is blue collar. It is a rural farming community but GF's HOUSE is just five minutes from his job and the school is only two blocks away. There is no traffic. It is quiet. There are all the comforts of home - Super Target, Walmart, KFC, Taco Bell. It is not like we would be in the boon docks. Part of me thought about living in such a quiet place with no need to rush about frantically. That was nice, as was thinking about GF coming home to us and me being able to prepare a nice dinner for all of us...

Because of the school's grading period, they would prefer the boys start at the end of the month. If not, they would need to start in March. I finally got up the courage to ask GF if we waited would HE wait for me/us. He said yes but that he is not sure I can make it financially until spring. He has never pushed me to move or threated to leave me if I don't (unlike Husband #2). He reiterates that he hopes I will do so because it will be a better life for all of us. He admits that he knows it will be hard to move.

I did a fair amount of crying on this trip. Tears of tiredness and fear. I spoke to the boys about our difficult financial situation. I told them that I am losing the ability to keep this way of life up on my own.

All these years I have struggled to keep the boys grounded and in this same community and school. Some of it is because I have wanted to make them feel happy, safe and secure. I have wanted to make up for their having lost their Dad to death. I have wanted to protect them from further pain and loss. Only now I am beginning to realize that I can't continue to mount this battle to protect them because in reality I can't fully protect them. And I am realizing that I don't want to keep going on like this - I don't want to keep GF waiting. Maybe I'll protect the boys from loss and pain awhile longer but at what price to my own health and sanity? And even if we reamin living here, there will be difficulties the boys will feel. We'll continue to limp along financially. It is trading some losses for others.

We were given a truly crummy hand with all of this. But I've reached a point where I've been given an alternative. GF reminded me of that offer again today before we left - his willingness to marry and become a family. I so deeply wish that the three of us did not have to travel on this road. I wish my husband had never died. I wish Husband #2 hadn't divorced me. But that not being the case, I have to face this new juncture from where I am standing. This is a new fork in the road. It leads to a new state, a new high school, a new life, a man there for all of us and in bed with me when it is cold and dark. I have never had the strength or courage to travel down the new road before. Maybe this roadtrip has been the first step in that journey.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The warn, clear weather.
2. Walgreen's drug stores (my favorite store since you can buy anything and everything there).
3. Rolling corn fields.
4. The smell of freshly overturned dirt from the corn fields.
5. Panera.

Message to Danielle Steel

I am not a book snob. I enjoy classic literature, lots of self-help stuff, current bestsellers and Danielle Steel. Quite frankly, there are some times when only a Danielle Steel will do, like when I need a good cry and I'm having trouble making tears. I carry my D.S. books around without taking off the jackets or hiding the title. By the same token I do not hide the fact that I really find Hamburger Helper pretty tasty (although I only use ground turkey).

Anyway, the reason I bring this topic up is that my Certified Nursing Assistant instructor mentioned today that she doesn't watch much t.v., although she does enjoy reading Danielle Steel. But she added that she is getting tired of this author because her characters are always rich, famous, princesses and the like. My instructor commented that it would be nice to have Ms. Steel write one of her novels with poor or more ordinary characters. I replied that I find D.S. books to always have happy endings where everything works out with minimal conflict.

I was thinking of one of Steel's novels involving a widow with five kids. Her attorney husband is murdered by his client's vindictive ex-husband. New widow (also an attorney) falls in love with the doctor (if I am remembering correctly) who treats her teenager son after he is involved in a car accident. Doctor doesn't have kids of his own and is ready and willing to accept widow's bunch. A few of her kids put up some resistance but he wins them all over in the end and the couple gets married a year after the husband's death.

Now I had a similar situation with the man I remarried (being quickly swept off my feet) but he lacked the tolerance (no kids) or experience (never married) to win my sons over and bailed out so fast I can still hear the screech of his tires when our life became challenging. Someone should take my situation and make it into a novel (more realistic). Or how about my reality of meeting another guy who is really and willing to accept my sons (plus he is tolerant, accepting and patient besides) but he has moved out-of-state and marrying him would involve uprooting my sons for their last one and two years of high school. How about that situation for a D.S. novel? What would the characters do to reach that happy, everybody wins ending?

Message to Danielle Steel - Please write some books about normal widows facing complicated lives and decisions that are not so easily resolved. You'd still sell the books and they might prove to be of more value to readers out there instead of giving them pure escapism and fantasy.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Pumpkin donuts from Dunkin' Donuts
2. Pumpkin pie
3. Pumpkin flavored lip gloss (who would have thought that this would ever be created?)
4. Danielle Steel books
5. The first lit and decorated Christmas tree I saw this year in the window of the karate studio down the street.

A Gift and a Curse

My husband and I never talked about his possibly dying. Never, not once did we have such a conversation after he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. We continued to live life just as we always had with the chemo, radiation and stem cell transplant just taken as matter-of-fact details to be faced and dealt with. Except for the grueling medical aspects of his illness, our life was pretty much the same. We both worked, volunteered and were extremely hands-on parents. About a year into my husband's illness, he did bring up that he had been rejected for trying to obtain more life insurance for us. I did not make a big deal about this - just admitted that it was what it was.

I knew my husband very well and understood that this was how he needed to face his illness. He carried on with such strength and courage never even thinking of the possiblity of dying. That was perhaps a mistake for both of us because I went along with my husband's way of coping. I always considered it my gift to him - avoiding "Having the talk." If we had, I would have realized that the mortgage payment was just $200.00 less than the pension benefit we would receive. There may have been time to refinance or somehow reorganize the finances to have made our economic situation less challenging.

I am pretty sure that my husband truly believed that if he died, his mother may have provided something for us, or that we would make it financially. I do not even think that he knew what our actual pension benefit would be for us upon his death. It was just never looked into.

Looking back on the widowhood road, I have regrets over not talking about the what ifs. My husband died without ever knowing he was actually dying. That was a great blessing for him - that he was spared that. But that blessing has been a great hindrance to me. And I am the one who had to carry on raising the boys, his sons. So, in the end it would have been far better to have had the strength and courage to keep on living and fighting the illness, as well as facing the situation fully. I wish I had brought up the subject we so tried to hide from.

Ready to Sell the House

Another close girlfriend left me a message that she has been super busy cleaning her home and just listed it. She was divorced in March. My guy friend was laid-off his retail management job 2 weeks ago. His ex-wife (he was divorced 15 months ago) has recently remarried and is moving out of state with their 11-year-old son in August. It will be interesting to see what happens in the future with all of us.

Right now my focus is on finishing the cleanup in my home because I need to list my home as soon as possible as well. (I am a week behind in doing so because with my job and parenting the boys solo, the work on the house is not going as quickly as it needs to.) But it is on its way and I will try to sign my real estate contract no later than the start of next week. I'm not sure if it will sell but I need to take a shot at it.

It is time for me to move on. I am finding that concentrating on the house is helping with my depression/anxiety/fear. I drove by the apartment complexes in our town today and am not so distressed about having to move there anymore. They are neat, clean and all have pools, parks and ponds surrounding the grounds. There were many hanging plants from the patios. If we end up unable to renegotiate the mortgage and need to move there it will be okay (I hope).

Today I am grateful:

1. For the progress I have made on the house.
2. For summer fruits.
3. For some of the peace/resignation I am beginning to feel about our fate and future.
4. For scented reed diffusers (they are the neatest things!).
5. For scented candles (a cheap way to improve your mood and update the house).

Conceding to the Truth

Wednesday night there were severe thunderstorms in our area. As I was going to bed I heard a loud thump of something falling outside against the house but I resisted the urge to investigate. As long as the house was intact, I could live with the suspense. In the morning, two large tree branches were resting in the front lawn. They were so heavy I had a hard time moving them on my own, which I needed to do because one was blocking the side door we use to enter the house.
Now I have to figure out how to cut up the branches. I don't have a saw and am not sure I'd use it (or allow the boys to) even if I had one. I need to recruit someone for this and it will probably cost more money than it should...

My deceased husband handled all the yard work - thrived on it! He had started out his college studies with the intent to become a forest ranger and only changed majors because he got into an argument with his academic adviser. Although he was a very gifted teacher, I often felt that a part of him was still off in the forest somewhere. So when he was alive, I never worried about the yard work (and we have a heavily wooded-double lot). Since his death I just can't keep up with the yard - I can barely keep up with what needs to get done in the house!

We had an awful tornado two years back and that was another project I'd really like to forget. Currently the entire yard is covered with weeds that I just can't seem to get to what with now working. Part of me thinks that it is now really time for me to throw up my hands and admit defeat. Yes, I can't manage this 2,500 square foot house and double-sized yard on my own anymore. I tried and have somehow gotten through the past few years (I always end up hiring a yard cutting service) but it seems that I now have just reached the end of my rope. This isn't a single person's home, or the home for a widow with busy kids she has to drive around to social and athletic events. This is a home best suited for an intact family where both spouses appreciate the abundant trees and flowers and have the time to garden and tend to the yard.

I now understand why people downsize and move to Florida. In my case, I've resisted trying to sell because the market has been so bad. The joys of home ownership have certainly not been present in my life for some time. My house is older and requires tremendous upkeep. I can't afford to make the repairs so they get worse. I should also mention that my husband was pretty handy and did all the painting and repairs that were needed. Without him around I have to rely on handymen who don't show up or those that seem to cost too much. I think I have finally reached a place where I am feeling less upset about having to downsize into an apartment. And that has taken me a long time to come to. It is the direction I feel I should move toward now although in doing so I struggle with tremendous thoughts of defeat and blaming myself for not having been able to keep up and handle things on my own. The reality is that I just can't any longer. And somehow that seems more honest and real than pretending I can.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the $1.00 box of hot, fresh popcorn they sell at the high school concession stand - I pick up a box every time I'm there to see my boys and get such a thrill from a great, cheap treat!
2. That the tree branches didn't damage the house or roof.
3. That I've moved to a different place - less judgmental on myself and more willing to face the truth.
4. That the boy's first summer baseball practice is today and it is the start of a new, fresh season of that wonderful sport.
5. That a part of me believes it will all work out in the end and that whatever happens, it'll be okay.

Plugging Away

Well, I survived my work day on Sunday. I did admit I was not ready to handle a cash register on my own and I got a little more time working with someone before I was thrown in. Yes, I made some mistakes and had to ask for help. But I made it through and did not leave with a headache. Things are still confusing but I'll try and do the best I can and get through this training period. This course of action sounds a lot like widowhood. Trying to get through the best I can. I've sure had a lot of practice in that regard. Now I'll try and apply it to this work situation.

Today I am grateful:

1. That trying circumstances come to an end (like the first few days on a new job).
2. For my ability to see beyond what others do - Okay, so I transposed the amount due to a customer who was making a big deal about it. (I told her the amount due was 12.67 instead of 12.76.) I knew she had gotten the correct change back and no harm was done but a little confusion. I could let it go because in the grand scheme of life this is a nothing incident, of no consequence.
3. For April showers bringing May flowers.
4. For the truth behind one door closing and another opening.
5. For escape t.v. shows like Dancing with the Stars, Hell's Kitchen and American Idol - I know I need these in my life to give myself a little breather from reality.

My Truth

My guyfriend, who faithfully reads my blog (what a great guy!), related that he thought my last two posts, which were about my divorce, were way too personal and might make some people uncomfortable. But rather than delete them or revise them I want to keep them as they were written. I know what I wrote about is very intimate but it is the truth and it was how I was feeling at the time. And that is the whole reason I started to blog in the first place - to have a safe place I could go where my reality could be revealed.

After my husband died, I just found it very important to live and tell the truth. I want to present what is going on in my life in an accurate and honest way. So for me, that means relating some of the more personal details about my marriage. This blog has been the only place where I have had an opportunity to do that.

I apologize if my words, thoughts and details may have been offensive. But I am grateful for having a forum in which to share my life. And for me right now that means processing certain aspects of my marriage (some of which are icky). Thanks for bearing with me.

DETOUR

Last night I was driving home and reached a point where the train tracks were down but no train was in sight. A few bold drivers went around the tracks and a few turned around but the majority continued to sit there. I was impatient because I had to get home to the boys before it got too late. Eventually, I turned around. It was dark and I was tired and in an unfamiliar area not that sure of an alternate route. But I knew the right direction to head home toward and some of the street names were familiar so it wasn't long before I was able to pick up the main road again having gone around the train tracks.

I thought about all this on my remaining ride home. How this is so much like a metaphor for being a widow. You're going through life as planned and suddenly this tragic obstacle presents itself. You didn't do anything wrong, nor do you deserve it - this hardship just happens. So you're left having to detour from that original and expected life plan. There are a number of roads to take but in the end you go with the one that seems best. Or maybe the first road you take is wrong so then you have to turnaround and try another one.

Last night's blocked train tracks required me to take a detour. Although I was a little worried and unsure of myself, I turned around and figured out where to go. In the end I made it home - a little later than planned, but I got home. And maybe for all of us in this situation, our lives have required us to have to take unexpected detours. Our lives may be more challenging and it might take us longer to get where we're going, but I think in the end, all of us will make it home.

As I opened the door to my home, I felt relieved and also proud of myself for not freaking out and doing what I had to do. It made me realize how infrequently I give myself credit for having to navigate through life's twists and turns brought on by widowhood. This is not the life I wanted or expected but it is my life. The gift of last night also showed me that even if it's not the way it's supposed to be, there is always another route available for us to follow.

Today I am grateful:

1. For people who stand by their commitments and do what they say they'll do.
2. For the opportunity to be a friend to others.
3. For life's lessons turning up in unexpected ways.

Better Person or More of a Fool?

Unlike Husband #2, whom apparently can just dismiss thoughts of me and go on with his life as though we never existed, I am finding that not the case with me. I still have thoughts of him and our marriage. I still have regrets and feel pain and am hurt. I wish there were some kind of pill I could take that would wipe out all traces of him from my memory. Especially, since I believe that he acted in incredibly cruel and callous ways throughout our marriage. I mean this guy is just not worth even my thoughts at this point. So, that leaves me with the question of whether I am a better person because I have feelings and am dealing with the rejection or am I just more of a fool?

Today I have an appointment with my grief/life transition counselor. I started working with her December, 2007 and have greatly cut back on my weekly appointments for financial reasons. So, I really need to make the most of my approximate hour with her today and one of the topics I most need to discuss is what I have just written about - how to stop that constant loop in my head devoted to an unworthy man and replace it with more productive energy. Easier said than done. At this point I need to focus on strategies that help propel me forward.

In regard to my question of whether or not I am a better person or more of a fool, I wonder if thoughts are thoughts - we have them - and that to some extent they are what they are and are therefore not foolish or wasteful. They are there for a reason right now and can't be wished away. About being a better person - perhaps it is not a question of being better but more of being capable and willing to face life challenges instead of hiding from them as Husband #2 does. What is most sad to me is that by his not being willing to talk to me at all about the divorce, both of us missed opportunities to grow, to become more insightful and ultimately better people. I would say that I am trying to come to terms with all of this on my own and with guidance from therapy, so ultimately the biggest loser in that regard is Husband #2. I do believe that I will eventually reach some sort of resolution and closure to all of this but he will not because of his inability and refusal to examine any of it. And that truly is what I find most sad at this juncture.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the chance and opportunity to face another day.
2. For my ability to be insightful.
3. For having the strength to face reality.

No longer able to hide from reality

The dust has settled and the grim reality set in. Today I am working at clearing out the bags of items from my parent's house (that I brought home out of a large storage shed to save on the storage fee). My thoughts are centered on how much my little family has had to deal with the past five years. We have just been hit with disaster after disaster. When you're in the middle of fighting fires you don't fully recognize the devastation that remains. Now that I am no longer consumed with the divorce/mediation I see the full mess we have landed in. Financially, I do not know how we are going to recover from this. I have made a consultation appointment with a bankruptcy attorney because at this point I need to explore all my options. There is just not enough money to go around and I do not know how long I will remain unemployed.

I have been negligent in facing reality the past months but no more. Such time I wasted obsessing over an ex who fully was aware of the challenges we faced and didn't/doesn't care. Now that I can fully comprehend how unfeeling he is/has been I am more than ready to close that door of my life and start embracing this new one without him. Granted, it is very daunting and terribly scary to face right now but I refuse to obsess any more over what ifs and if onlys.

Filing for bankruptcy is really the least of my worries - there are so many other challenges on my plate right now. Just moving on, finding a job, helping the boys adjust, probably getting the house ready to list, sorting through my parent's crap. It is time to get down to business. I have to be strong.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I am facing the truth even though it is probably the scariest thing I have ever had to do on my own.
2. That I recognize that it is time to move on.
3. That I believe that life will improve.