Awards & Validation

My sons are transitioning well into college and the senior year of high school.

My oldest is considering joining a business fraternity that offers internships to all its members. He claims that the members last year all got jobs within 3 months of graduation. He is doing well socially, but I knew that would be one of his strengths. When he auditioned for admittance into the music dept., the head of the music college was there, and was so impressed he invited my son out to lunch off campus for an opportunity to get to know him.

There was a period of a week and a half, when my son wanted to drop a class he didn't feel he'd do well in and his adviser was against the request. But that has been worked out within the time deadline and my son is much happier with his new class. It was a good exercise for him to have to stand up for himself and go after what he knew in his heart was the right decision. And to accomplish that on his own.

My youngest, went through a few tough days himself at the start of the year when all of his teachers kept making references to his older brother. But he has received a few "awards" of his own. His graphic arts teacher told him that he is one of the top two, if not top graphic artist in the school. As such, he was drafted to design the cover for the Fall Band Festival Program, the Homecoming Tickets and the Fall Play Posters. He has been working on the band design first since it is due on Tuesday and I have to say that the design and format are pretty incredible. I couldn't do what he does creatively and then with the computer. Good for him to finally get some recognition in an area his brother is not a star.

I feel sad at times that the boys' dad isn't here to experience the talents and awards of his sons. When I tell people, the few in my life I do talk to about my sons there isn't the sense of pride and warmth that would come from a parent experiencing the successes of one of their own. When my husband was alive it was enough to share the successes, talents and accomplishments of our boys with each other. With him gone, I find that I make and effort to tell someone the good news about my sons simply because I have to share it with someone. But oftentimes, the end result is one of disappointment because quite simply, no one can love your kids more than you do. They may nod and smile and say "that's nice," but it is somewhat rote and superficial. Just another "loss" to tick off on my list - for my sons and for me. And one that is taken for granted by those married or if not, still with a co-parent in which to share and bask in the joy that comes from having decent and pretty good kids. And I suppose I should add, that most kids are pretty good and decent. And most talented in something. So I do think that most parents share these moments together at certain points in their kids' lives - the soccer goals scored, the academic recognition, the band or orchestra solos...

Parents can get off on bragging about their offspring to each other. I sometimes fear that I may come across as a braggart or overly involved with my sons because when I talk to people I do mention the successes of my kids. But it's not like I'm going to dwell on what isn't going well for them (which thankfully has never been that much). Still, you know how there is always that PTA mom out there that has to brag about how her kids are in the gifted program (real example from my past). When she spreads it on thick it can get annoying. I spread it on because if I don't, I just might burst - I have to not because I'm overly singing my sons' praises. I think that when our kids do well, we can feel validated that we've also done something well. And boy of boy, do widows need to feel and hear that praise.

Beyond Labels

My girlfriend is out of state at a week-long worship conference. The only way she'd consider attending was if her ex-husband moved into her home during her absence. Her oldest child is a son starting his junior year of college. Her daughter is going to be a senior in high school and her youngest will be a sophomore.

As a divorced mom, my friend's life is vastly different than mine. Her ex sees the kids twice weekly and takes them on three week vacations over the summer. He attends their sports events and has been there for the oldest, helping him find a job in the city, assisting with dorm moves, college costs etc. When there have been "problems" with the kids, my girlfriend has been able to seek the input and guidance of her ex. He has been there to advise the kids when they have sought his counsel.

I relate this now because of the conflict I have being lumped into the "single mother" category, which is the same one my girlfriend is in. When I first became widowed, I described myself as a "widowed mom." It wasn't a conscious decision but one made because that description seemed to be the one that fit the best and I was most comfortable with. I will admit that I didn't want it to be assumed that I was divorced by those who didn't know me because I had always made such a strong effort to work at my marriage.

Over the years, I've preferred the label "only parent" to "single parent" when referring to widowed parents. We are not the same as divorced parents that still work together as co-parents. Yes, I know there are some parents with limited involvement with their kids after divorce. But I am talking about those that do remain actively involved with their kids' lives and who do interact with their ex-spouses for the benefit of the kids.

There is no comparison between the lives of my friend's children and my own in regard to still having their father actively in their lives. Yes, they have faced hardships and emotional hurdles due to the divorce of their parents but what my sons would give to be able to have their Dad in their life.

My only point here with this post is to release some of the feelings I have in regard to being lumped into a group that isn't descriptive regarding differences. I think people just assume I'm a single mother and don't go beyond those generalizations. But only parents deal with a wealth of issues that aren't shared by the divorced. There is no ex-husband that can be called on to watch the kids for a week. No parent to discuss Junior's struggle in math class. There is usually another parent in the life mix who loves and cares for the kids. On the other hand, only parents are out on their own doing the parenting job of two by themselves. Some people might assume that it is great to be able to be the one making all the decisions. But it ends up being wearying not being able to get any input from another. And at least for me, I'm always worried about making mistakes because it is only what I decide.

I'm not trying to say that divorced people have it better than the widowed. But in terms of shared parenting there are advantages to having two parents still alive vs. only one. I also think the term single parent needs to be changed. Perhaps to "divorced co-parent." I guess I don't consider my girlfriend really a single parent because her kids do have their dad around. The kids live during the school year in her home, but she is certainly not parenting just by herself.

Strength in Numbers

I ended up taking the boys and I out to eat at Steak and Shake for a Mother's Day meal out. I had some coupons and the boys got a burger, fries, salad and shake for $5.99 a meal. How can you beat that? After going, I realized how necessary it sometimes is for us to get out and do something even if it stretches the budget. The boys and I hadn't been out to eat in months and doing so was such a treat. It was so nice to sit at the booth and talk to the boys. Really have some conversations instead of quick and hurried snatches of comments and words during school pick-up and drop-offs.

My youngest brought up the information that one of his friends has parents getting divorced. He said that the mom is looking at our apartment complex as a potential place to move since they will be selling the house. Just knowing and hearing this was like receiving a gift! My son went on to say that his friend and her siblings were cleaning out the home of their father's possessions as their Mother's Day gift to their mom. Now I found that funny but also sad.

Anyway, the point to my bringing all of this up since it happened some weeks back is to to relate how just knowing another mom is in my shoes does a great deal to make me feel less isolated and alone in all of this. As I have mentioned in other posts, there aren't many families headed by single parents in this community, which happens to be one of the top 100 wealthiest towns and counties in the country. So it is a double-edged sword living here because of the high incomes of the intact families.

I felt very sorry for this woman that I know from my old PTA days and her children. It is not entirely the same set of circumstances since it is a divorce. But this family did live in the same neighborhood as we did and it will be an adjustment for all of them to move from a home into an apartment. Sometimes just knowing I am not the only one serves to give me a new lease on life. It often seems as though I am the only one since the widowhood gig is so isolating and the community I live in increase that sense of isolation. Hearing of another mom facing similar issues takes some of the sting out of the stigma and shame I carry around with me everyday. There can be strength in numbers, even very small ones.

Time Doesn't Heal All Things

Thursday was the Senior Farewell band concert - a teary, emotional evening. There was some stress leading up to the night. My oldest had a detention after school for chewing gum in band class no less, along with a volleyball game - at least it was a home game. That meant I was in charge of making sure he had his band tux and volleyball uniform, along with a sack dinner since he wouldn't have time to come home. Turns out he forgot his dress-up shoes and I had to get them to him before the concert.

As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.

Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.

I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.

It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.

I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.

Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.

A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.

I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.

What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.

The Other Women

This topic has been on my mind for a long time. I want to relate it because I continue to believe that I should stop this blog or change its direction. And I want these feelings down for the record. May 1st is my goal for blog shut down.

My husband was married for 12 years when his wife had an affair with her boss for about 9 months - he never knew and when he found out was devastated. They had all been friends including the wife of the boss for many years and often socialized together. I was 10 years younger than my husband and the two wives and 20 years younger than the boss - the new kid on the block. I also had not had children yet.

To my husband, my being age 30 to his 40, made me somewhat of a trophy wife. When we went out together people often thought I was my husband's daughter. The two couples had kids - lets just say I didn't know then what I know now. But what I did and still know was how unacceptable having an affair was to my conscience. I witnessed what the long-term ramifications were over the years. They are far reaching and in the end even had an impact on my two children.

I have to say that I didn't and still don't hold much respect for an educated and professional woman who conducted herself in such a dishonest manner. If I were married and considering an affair I would be honest about it. It was the deception that really tormented my husband. But I relate all of this just for some background in terms of what I really want to discuss.

What bothered me was the fact that my husband's first wife made no effort to save her marriage. She wanted out and got out. And I'm not even sure there was ever a real reason she wanted out in the first place. My husband was a very hard working, decent, honorable man. He was the main caregiver for their son during the early infant years and then when the wife returned to school in pursuit of a doctorate. At the time of the divorce, their son was nine. There was never any emotional, physical or substance abuse involved.

My husband begged for counseling which the wife flatly refused to do. She left their home on Thanksgiving (really, could she have made it any worse?) and my husband started back dating in December. He and I met through the old way they used to conduct personals - by print ads published in the newspaper and where you first corresponded by mail. We had our first date in early February and married on October 20th. And the wife was furious! Her divorce had been finalized in July but it was still dragging out with her boss/lover. They ended up marrying in January.

I'll leave mention out of the early years of our marriage when the ex caused a great deal of strain with unfair visitation requests and the like. In fact, she was also furious when I got pregnant because she felt that the old agreement in place during her marriage (to only have one child) should still be upheld by my husband! She became very bitter when I had our second son.

Cut ahead to the recent past. I meet Sam whose wife left him under similar conditions, although he denies she had an affair. He also has a son, age nine. Again, similar circumstances - her desire for a divorce comes out of the blue, she refuses counseling. As I started to get to know Sam I was struck by the deja vu quality of the situation. And like my husband, Sam had been the main caregiver for his son through the years, taking six months off when his son was born to stay at home and then working jobs that allowed him to be off with his son in the afternoons after school.

I would characterize both wives as being strong, driven, independent and career-orientated women. I, on the other hand, am more dependent, less driven and not that interested in career goals. I am more focused on family and doing for others.

I could say that perhaps these women are more selfish than I, that they look out for their own interests more than I do. I just know that divorce is not always the answer and I would have made an attempt at counseling. Again, I don't feel Sam really ever got a specific reason as to why his wife wanted the divorce. Both women had never given the men any warning prior to their announcements that they were leaving their marriages ahead of time. To me, that is probably the worst aspect of all because it showed that good, open and honest communication was not in place - and that is necessary for any relationship to be successful.

Sam's ex-wife got remarried as soon as the divorce was final and relocated some months later out-of-state taking Sam's son who has since been diagnosed with Autism. In my case with my husband, the ex and her new husband ended up living down the block and there were problems related to the proximity of our lives/homes. We were always running into one another and sometimes that was uncomfortable because we had no space or distance between us. So I'm not sure living nearby is always the best option either - but I suppose for the children it is.

I ended up getting my Master's Degree in counseling because I wanted to work with families struggling with blended family adjustment. That was because of the horrors I witnessed as the result of this divorce and broken family. But again I regress. What truly gets me more than anything about these women is that they went from one husband to the next without missing a beat. In fact, my husband's first wife had been briefly married before and the ink on that divorce wasn't even dry before she was engaged to my husband.

I know comparisons are totally fruitless and I know I get too caught up in the unfairness of life. But it upsets me to no end to see women that I think have been less than honorable go on with their lives without much regard for the consequences, especially toward their children. This is all along the lines of the bad people getting the prize when they don't deserve it. Although my husband's wife was very attractive and had a high ranking/well paying job in administration, Sam's wife is just average in looks and even overweight - yet she managed to marry a man 10 years her junior!

AND THIS IS THE REAL KICKER - THESE WOMEN HAVE NEVER HAD TO SLEEP ALONE! That is what really upsets me here. They went from one man to another without ever having to experience the loneliness and discomfort of a big Queen or King bed when there is only one person sleeping in it.

Sleeping alone is what is slowly killing me, I think. I have reached the point where I can't stand it anymore. I don't feel I ever get a good night's of sleep - this has been going on for years and is taking a huge toll on my physical and emotional health. I just don't feel comfortable, safe or secure sleeping alone. Every night it is like I am only half sleeping because my brain and hearing doesn't completely shut off. I am never fully rested. What a sad realization to be making about my life as a widow because sleep is something we take so for granted. And yet it is also so necessary and vital for our well being.

I remember the distress I felt when I first learned that Sam's wife had gotten remarried. The first thought I had was of outrage that she had gotten the turn that should have gone to a still single widow out there who wanted to get remarried. The widows had paid their dues but not this woman. And that she gotten a man who loved her and was willing to marry her while I still struggle with men who don't want marriage or commitment - and that he was so much younger! It was a lot for me to swallow.

As much as I dislike what these women did to my husband and Sam and their sons (and even me and my sons too) I do now look at their actions and decisions in a new way. Yes, they were selfish and perhaps unthinking of others. But they went after what they wanted and got it. They had an advantage of still being married and not having to move from their homes or deal with financial crisis because of that. Add those hardships to the mix along with some exhaustion and depression from having to deal with solo parenting and grief/loss and you have some pretty depleted women like me - barely able to have the energy to go out on dates, yet not wanting to sleep alone anymore. Looking back, I wish I had thrown myself into the dating arena sooner then I did while I still had money to afford haircuts, clothes and manicures - and still some hope, energy and optimism besides - plus fewer gray hairs. But beating myself up over that is wasted energy that needs to be focused elsewhere.

I've been struggling the past weeks with the awareness of how damaging my negativity is and not knowing how to redirect it. Do I just let myself slide into a deep depression and stay there awhile? Do I make myself think and act as positively as possible, even though in the beginning it will be forced? Do I just forget about grieving, period? Give myself a break from self-reflection, healing and growth? Looking back and observing the actions of these two women, so similar to one another has provided me with some insight into my quest for these answers. Throughout my life I have always taken care of others and put my needs and desires aside. Maybe it is time to be a bit selfish - not in destructive and damaging ways but to make a point of really caring for myself, my needs and desires. To not do anything I really don't want to do. To focus on healing myself mentally and physically as best I can with the limitations of our finances and being an only parent.

One of my other close girlfriends and I chatted and caught up on the phone the other day. I have always been amazed by her energy and she is older than I am. She works full time, has three kids (one away in college). She too divorced last year. But throughout her life as a married woman and now newly single woman, she has always made time for herself. In fact, she goes out every Friday night with girlfriends and Saturday nights are reserved for her guy friend, whom she has been seeing almost a year now. When we last talked, I brought up how even years ago I was amazed that she made herself such a priority since I struggle to do that for myself. She replied that she knew early on that to be a good parent, she'd have to devote time for herself and as long as her kids are safe and taken care of she feels as though she has done her job.

I know that even years ago I questioned that she wasn't spending as much quality time with her kids that I thought she should. But she is a different person than I am and we have unique personalities and life histories. I have always been a more involved parent. I would never have sought a divorce without undergoing some pretty heavy duty therapy/marriage counseling. And she, like the two woman I've depicted here, refused any counseling with her husband. Even though I would never have acted in the ways these woman did, nor will I ever agree with their decisions, I can take something worthwhile from them. They did think of themselves and even put themselves first. For me to do that even some of the time would be a huge risk and change in my life!

So, I have come to the realization that for me, my future path will not involve dissolving into deep despair or depression - nor will it involve faking my way into optimism and hope. Rather, I'm going to take the next few weeks/months and devote them to healing my mind, body and soul. And that will center on thinking of my needs and trying to devote as much as attention as I can to them. I don't want to ponder so much about grief and loss anymore. I want a break from it. I need a break from it. I have started some self-study in the area of happiness, positive thinking and overcoming negativity. And I have found some points that have struck home for me that will be helpful. So in a way, the next step for me on this journey is to continue that study and see where it leads me. Not to forget about the great amount of grief and loss that has occurred in my life the past few years, but to transcend that and focus on a different level - if that makes any sense.

I might continue to blog with that as my goal - it would be a good way to keep track of my progress - but I think it would need to be a different and new blog and not part of this one. It would almost be breaking free of the issues and feelings that have been a part of this blog.

Anyway, I have always wanted to post about this topic and the two ex-wives of the men I was involved with - how similar the situations were, even down to the ages of the two sons. But a prior post would have just centered on the selfishness of these women and the unfairness of life in general. Now, I see it all in a new light. Not that I will ever agree with the divorces that resulted. But I can see that I can make some choices that involve what is good for me. Life shouldn't be all about what makes us happy, nor should it be about just making other people happy. These women have shown me that I need to spend some time and attention on me for awhile - I've never really done that EVER. And it is time. And I think it is what will end up being a very healing component in my life right now. And hopefully that will lead to other big changes in my life involving renewed hope and optimism AND not having to sleep alone!

Ron Howard Saves the Day!

Last night my son wanted to watch the new Ron Howard produced program called "Parenthood." He had heard it was good. I don't watch much t.v. but decided to view it with him and was pleasantly surprised. The storyline centers around a close California family with four adult children, now raising their own kids. The oldest daughter has just moved back home with her parents to get back on her feet after a divorce with her musician, drug using and dealing husband. She has two teenagers, a boy and girl. The daughter is smoking cigarettes and pot. The son wants to go back home to live with his dad. Another son, also with two kids is kicked off his son's little league team as the coach for badgering an umpire who called out his son. The son, age 8 is experiencing learning and social problems - the school suspects he has Asperger's, a high-functioning form of Autism. There is sibling rivalry between the two adult daughters, one of whom is the golden girl high-powered attorney. But it appears that her marriage may not be as strong as she thought it was. The younger brother is portrayed as the commitment phobe. His girlfriend wants to have a baby, NOW, but he is not ready. Then the bomb is dropped at the end of the hour. Turns out he has already fathered a little boy but did not know until now!

Great real stuff. Thank goodness for reality and not hiding the crumbs under the rug! Middle-aged dating after divorce is one of the topics humorously brought up, along with the grandfather being told off with, "I'm not raising my kids the way you raised me." When the teenage daughter asks her mom why they have to move back with the grandparents, the mom replies, "Because we've run out of money." Just gotta love that! Now it would be great if one of the four adult kids had been widowed or maybe widowhood is reflected between the grandparents in some way. But at this point it is a minor criticism because this is such a refreshing and modern take on life today and I felt they did a very good job at it. I guess divorce is simpler to portray because it is more common for mid-lifers and easier to relate to.

So, maybe there is hope for Hollywood after all! Thank you Ron Howard for having the courage to portray a real family with real issues and real lives. I really believed this was an honest-to- good family that could actually exist! I have to admit feeling a tinge of envy while viewing this hour, though. These kids had the support of family to fall back on and that is not something I can rely on. My widowhood has been a very singualr road.

I am grateful:

1. For the springlike weather.
2. For having medical insurance (I'll devote a post to this topic in the near future).
3. For being able to take my sons to doctor appointments.
4. For being able to get my sons Rx acne medication and not pay through the nose.
5. For being offered a job (I'll post on that too).

Partridge Family Revisited

I was a "Brady Bunch" and "Partridge Family" fanatic as a tween and teen. Absolutely loved those t.v. shows and still do. I actually wanted to name one of my sons Brady but my husband refused, although I know of quite a few boys named Brady or Braden.

Both shows were in the news recently. Evidently there is a feud going on between Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb (Marcia and Jan Brady). And today some of the Partridge Family cast reunited on the Today Morning Show.

This got me to reflect on the programs and I recall that the Partridges lost their father to death, although I'm not sure the details were ever related - just a kind of hazy hint that was the reason why this family was out singing songs to earn a living - the dad had died. The same kind of haziness was in The Brady Bunch. This was a blended family because the prior spouses had died. But again, no details, nothing specific and in all the following shows, nothing mentioned about these characters previous lives.

Now I know that this was a convenient plot line for Hollywood to launch off these programs. Back then divorce was still rather unacceptable. I remember when a couple of women in our subdivision got divorced and moved in together. People used to drive by their house to point and stare. Looking back, what pioneers these poor 1970s housewives became, paving the way for less stigma toward divorced woman forced to start wearing pants and work outside the home. (Girls were not even allowed to wear pants to school in our town until 1974 unless it was terribly cold and snowy!)

So these shows were created from a situation involving the deaths of parents and spouses because that was easier than having the characters be divorced. Convenient but sad. I think that even as a kid I had some interest in the Partridge's old life. What did the dad do? How did he die? Maybe back then such a show could never be envisioned. Maybe it still can't be. Almost 40 years have passed and we still don't feel comfortable talking about or even acknowledging death beyond a nod.

What I find even more extraordinary is that as the feminism movement really started to swell and women were becoming more independent, Hollywood could not portray a widowed mother surviving on her own. They had to add a creepy band manager to the cast to be around for Shirley Partridge to lean on.

Today I propose a new and updated Partridge Family. Based on my own experiences I can provide the pilot story line and even some additional plots for future episodes.

Keith Partridge returns to his childhood home with his five children, all of whom are the same ages as when the original series aired. He has lost his wife to breast cancer (we'll be specific here and not leave the audience guessing). Keith is a physical and emotional mess, overcome with grief. He needs the help of his mother to care for the kids. We see him hiding bottles of Vodka around the house and he starts smoking again. There are days he is incapable of getting up out of bed.

The two older kids in high school start acting out, fighting and skipping school because they didn't want to move from their hometown to live with their grandmother. The younger kids are all experiencing nightmares and miss their mother terribly. In one episode the police have to be called because a fight breaks out between a drunken Keith and the two teens. In another episode, Shirley goes to the younger kids' school to meet with teachers and staff. We can go two ways here - either have grandmother be sympathetic or not able to handle her son's grief - the "get over it" mentality which causes friction between mother and son.

As the shows continue, Kelsey Grammer will join the cast as the family therapist. Each week's episode will open with a counseling session involving some conflict or issue involving the family which will be elaborated on during the hour (too much stuff going on for a 30-minute show). At the end of each episode, the family will meet with Kelsey and discuss their progress, or lack of progress if we want to be honest.

I see a lot of potential for this Partridge Family Reunion. But hey, there would have been a lot of potential 36 years ago if someone had written a Brady Bunch episode where the Brady boys and Brady girls each end up in a showdown between the parents, shouting "You can't tell me what to do because you're not my real mom/dad!" And then when the parents respond,"But your parents are dead and now we all have to get along and move forward," the kids all break down, unleashing all the emotions they've had to hide. Alice will come in with cookies and lemonade and lead the family in an impromptu healing session where order will be restored without missing a beat. See, it could have been done, even in that wimpy example. Even some acknowledgment would have been better than nothing.

I am grateful:

1. For blasts from the past that allow me to remember my wacky 1970s.
2. That next month is April.
3. For the Easter wreath I saw on a house today, the first one of the season.
4. For the promise of spring.
5. That short, shag haircuts for women have never come back in style.

Emotional Isolation

As I start back into the work force, I have been thinking about how my not having worked outside the home in recent years increased my physical isolation. This got me to thinking about the emotional element of isolation as well. I came across the blog of a mom also widowed at the age of 44. She quoted a statistic that only 3% of married people will lose a spouse to death at this age. That small a percentage really got to me!

I've tried obtaining statistics on how many widows/widowers are out there, particularly for the age group of 40-50. I came across the figure of 16% somewhere but that seems pretty high. I'll keep at it for my own satisfaction. I'm trying to prove, I guess, that with all of our medical advances, today there are not that many people dying in mid-life. At age 65, the numbers dramatically increase.

Point being, when you're widowed at this age, there aren't that many other people out there walking in your shoes. And that results in a great sense of emotional isolation. In my personal experience, it has been very frustrating to try and explain the extreme impact of my husband's death to others. Unless these people had experienced death intimately (didn't have to be a spouse) it just always felt as though I was talking to brick wall. People would nod sympathetically, but I could tell they didn't really fully comprehend the depth of my pain. They seemed perplexed. Oftentimes, I'd hear criticism about what I was doing wrong and that always increased my grief. I felt criticized for grieving or that people wanted to take my grief away from me. "Let me at least have my grief," I remember thinking. "Don't rob me of that right too when I've already lost everything most dear to me."

Being unable to convey how you are truly feeling brings forth such desolation at another level. I questioned my sanity. Was there something wrong with me? Why were so many people disapproving of my sorrow? At this point you have two options. 1. Stop expressing your innermost feelings to others because of the discomfort it brings. or 2. Keep doing it and irritating those in your life. Either way ends up with negative consequences.

It is imperative to get out there and connect with others walking this path. Surprisingly, I found very few available grief groups considering I live in such a large area. Some of the groups had disbanded, others focused mainly on the divorced. I did attend such a group where there was one other widow. We had a hard time up against the bitter, divorced moms. We didn't fit in and the overriding belief was that we had it better because our husband's were out of the picture. These moms were dealing with deadbeat guys and spent the two hours bashing them. The poor other widow and I just sat there shaking our heads and crying. We wished to have a guy to be bashing! Even a deadbeat one!

If I had to do it over again, I would have made a more vigilant effort to get involved in a grief group earlier in my widowhood. Walking this road on my own proved to be too daunting for me. I needed the connection and support such a group would bring. What eventually saved me was finding a counselor specializing in grief and life transitions. I had someone I could share with openly and honestly. She validated my experiences and emotions. This is the key - validation. To know that what your are going through and feeling is normal. And that is not possible when you don't have contact with others in the same situation.

Blogging for me has been a lifesaver. As a super busy mom of teen boys with precious little free time, this mode of contact with the outside world has greatly reduced my emotional isolation. To be able to connect with someone else out there who totally understands where I am coming from. To know about someone else's experience and to totally relate because I've been there too (on the exact same page). It would be nice to have someone to go out with for coffee, dinner or a show - a fellow widow or widower. A physical connection ultimately brings more to a relationship. But I'm grateful for the connections I do have in this mode. It is my lifeline as I continue to swim to shore.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The entire blogging experience.
2. That my oldest passed his Chemistry final with a C+ - this was a class we were concerned he would fail! So he passed and will not have to go to summer school!
3. The temperature warm up.
4. Hot, soothing showers.
5. Being forced to slow down in winter. It is a time to reflect and recharge.

I Had to Heal Myself First

In July, 2008 before hanging up on me, Husband #2 managed to bark out at that he had "refiled" the divorce he had originally filed six months prior. At that moment it was like being sucker punched in the gut when I was already on the ground writhing in pain. It was feeling more unbearable pain on top of all the existing pain. It was agonizing. I physically ached all over. At other points it felt as though someone had wrenched my heart out from my body. Needless to say, I was well aware that I had to get a job but could not imagine myself working in my field as a counselor. I lost about 20-25 pounds in a month or two, wasn't eating and could cry at the drop of a hat. The emotions surging inside me included anger, shame, rage, resentment, fury (and more fury), depression, betrayal, fear, intimidation, insignificance, powerlessness and abandonment/rejection. What is interesting is that the numbness some of us feel in the early grief period that shelters and shields us from the intense pain of a loved one dying gets bypassed when someone is dumped, rejected and/or abandoned. It seems as though the added feelings of anger/devastation keep those suffering from abandonment in this place of unremitting pain. This is all related to the neurotransmitters working inside our brains. But I guess the anger outwits the numbing effect our bodies are trying to give us as a gift.

Despite all those feelings, I had reached a point in my emotional growth where I refused to run after a man whose way of dealing with conflict included completely shutting out his spouse in order to protect his own fragile ego. I concentrated on forgiveness and understanding. I focused on love. I did my best to transcend the hurting of my soul. I also made the very deliberate and conscious decision of letting what was going to be, be. I was willing to see where the road would take me and not try and interfere by begging and pleading to change the situation to my will.

In those early months it was hard to concentrate and look toward the future. At one point, I was seeing my grief therapist a couple times a week - I don't think I could have functioned without those appointments. They were what held me together. I was living in a sort of twilight zone. With no communication from my husband I did not know what was going on and it was hard to plan and figure out what to do. I still hoped for a reconciliation - if we could just talk I'd be able to make it all better. But I refused to try and contact him. His habit of hanging up on me had done its damage and my pride came out. I wanted and needed a man who would have the decency and respect to talk to me. I was hoping he would reach out to me. I was also waiting to see him and talk in mediation.

By the time I was in a more stable place emotionally, the Recession had hit full force and I experienced extreme difficulty finding work. Face it. I was for all practical purposes a stay-at-home soccer mom who had not worked in her field for five years because she was caring for a dying spouse, child diagnosed with a serious medical condition and then her aged and ill parents. I felt incompetent, old, out-of date, and lost in the new world of finding jobs online. It did not help that the divorce wrecked havoc with my already fragile ego. I felt like a miserable failure too. How could I be a good counselor to others when I could barely handle my own life successfully?

Those feelings of failure and abandonment have been the most difficult to get through the past year and a half. That is also the piece that I have found to differ in the grieving process from being a widow compared to that of a divorcee. Having lived through both, my divorce was far more of a challenge for me to overcome than the death of my husband. Of course, it would seem as though a death is more significant. But those added feelings of being rejected have just fed and led to more feelings of being unworthy, tainted, a bad person, and so on.

Every loss we experience reactivates older losses, some of which occurred in our childhood and are not even remembered. Some of us have suffered more losses than others throughout our lives and therefore our grief process is more complicated. There is no time limit for working through grief. People get impatient when they consider someone's grief prolonged. It is a profoundly different experience for everyone. There are actual physical changes that go on in one's body during bereavement. I just read a fascinating explanation of how the chemicals react in one's body causing a person to either overeat or not eat. At times, both reactions are going on and fighting as to which will win out! Isn't that almost unbelievable? To feel famished but not want to eat at the same time? I take that back - nothing seems unbelievable in bereavement, right?

I just have such profound respect for everyone navigating this bereavement road. I am thinking about in particular all of us who have had to face the critics telling us to snap out of it and get on with our lives. It takes such courage to face those who don't know, realize they are wrong and then keep going with what has to be done, what is right for us. I felt such outrage at the divorce mediator who told me because I was such an "old hand" at grief I should be able to move past my sorrow over my divorce quickly, after all I'd had so much practice at it. This unknowing comment ate at me until I ended up calling my divorce attorney to complain and explain how her colleague's comment had impacted me. She agreed to talk to him about the matter when they next met. In the area of bereavement, practice does not make perfect. I have just found that added grief is a great burden and ends up hurting more. Or maybe it is that you are dealing with a lot of grief so that is what makes it feel like the pain is more.

I took the job at the big box store pretty convinced that I could not work in my field, at least for the time being. I wanted a job totally outside my caring/helping profession. As a counselor we are skilled at listening to our clients and then offering compassion, as well as suggestions and insights for healing/growth. It has always amazed me that Husband #2 could hurt me to my inner core by refusing to talk with me. As a counselor, communication is what is most vital to us. To have it ripped out of your system is unthinkable. As long as I have been able to communicate, I have been able to have a hold on my life and its outcome. Even when my first husband was in a coma, I was still able to speak the feelings from my heart. But Husband #2 took that away from me.

As I was driving home from a very wearying shift at the big box store last night the thought came out of my head that "I deserve to be loved." Today along that same theme, I have been thinking that I do not want to suffer anymore from all that transpired with Husband #2. I think all of this focus on Husband #2 has come from the emotions swirling around due to our move with Sam (GF). My youngest is being critical of me for not looking harder for a job. He wants me to try and tough it out here. All the feelings of self-loathing and beating myself down (which began in childhood) come flaring out. I try to ease the criticism by remembering those months of weight loss, fear, physical pain and utter torment. Yeah, right I say to myself. I was in good shape for job hunting. I was a complete mess. It is one thing to drag yourself to a job you've already had, quite another to have to look for a new one when you're suffering in the depths of grief. And then to have to hold the hands of your clients when you're in such bad shape yourself.

For what it is worth here is another idea. The way grief impacts us also has to do with our constitutional and emotional makeups. Some of us are better equipped to deal with adversity. Some of us can get through hardship on our own more easily, versus those of us who need a steadying presence to lean on. It is all so mixed up and confusing! Not to mention the constant ups and downs of going forward a bit and then backward a lot!

The death of my husband and the divorce that came so soon afterward cannot be erased from my life much as I'd sometimes like for that to be. It is a hard burden to carry those losses around with me everyday. But somehow, someway I am moving to a place where I want to stop hurting so much. That will be up to me to keep working toward. It can be a struggle on some days. For the first time, I am actively contemplating to work back in my counseling field again. And that appeared an impossibility a few years ago. And let me lay to rest the myth that a new relationship or marriage can erase the demons of grief/loss from within us. It doesn't work like that. Even if I soon remarry, the losses of two husband's cannot just magically cease to exist. I just hope that from now on into the future, the pain of these losses will lessen because more attention will be devoted to the present and future. I am the person I am today because of these losses but no longer want my future to be so defined by them.

Trying to Keep Out of It

My guyfriend started the new visitation schedule with his son today. Here it is: Since the ex-wife now lives six hours away in another state, every other weekend, both she and my guyfriend will drive three hours to a meeting point halfway, which is the Wisconsin Dells. Once there, the 11-year-old will then go with his dad for his weekend visit. The drive home to the Chicago area will be three hours. The ex-wife will turn around and then drive the three-hour ride back to her new home, life and husband. This is supposed to happen Friday evenings but could occur on Saturday mornings. Either way, come Sunday afternoon, my guyfriend will drive the three hours to take his son to the Dells to meet his mom. They'll do the exchange and then he'll drive the three hours home with an empty car while she'll take the boy back to his custodial residence.

That is 12 hours of driving within two days for the parents as well as this child! So far, none of the people I've mentioned this arrangement to have found it favorable. One of my friends asked, "How did the Judge ever approve of this?" Another responded with, "That's not going to last!" Still another, said my friend should be the one driving to the new town his son is living in, rent a motel and visit him there. The weather in the Dells during winter can be very snowy and icy so some of the weekends when it is cold might not pan out if storms are in the forecast.

It's funny how everyone but those involved can see the reality of the situation. My friend justifies the arrangement by saying he'll have his son on Mondays when there are holidays or school institute days. He was laid off from his job and cannot afford the expense of a motel at this time.

It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut on this matter but I am trying to refrain from being negative because I know my guyfriend is very upset over the loss of his daily contact with his boy. I cannot help but feel irritated at the ex-wife who assured my friend in March that she had no intention of remarrying soon and disrupting her son's life until he was through Junior High.

I know how hard it is to try and navigate the waters after a divorce. Onc of the positive reasons my second husband cited for being involved with a widow was that there is no ex-spouse in the picture!

Friday Night Blues

Today, when I signed online there was a little news blurb on the AOL page about a man who had survived anal cancer as well as divorce and gone on to find love/marriage again. A pretty inspiring story to say the least. It gives me hope to believe that one day I too will remarry.

The boys are out tonight because it is Friday and as per usual I am in alone and feeling terribly lonely. I want my nights to include more than doing laundry or reading. At age 49 I am way too young to be moping around the house on my own and feeling hopeless.

I guess I think that if I were married my husband and I right now would be perhaps going to a movie; having a nice/romantic dinner out; cooking a simple but delicious meal together; watching a video; making love; conversing over wine; playing cards. Earlier we may have taken a walk in a park or forest preserve. All of those ideas seem pretty appealing to me right now.

I feel robbed and cheated that during midlife, when it seems a lot harder because of age and kids, I have to go back out there into the dating world. Life is already challenging just trying to navigate through the days in one piece and now I have to add the "fun" of looking for love to my plate! Talk about unfair and crummy! Also to contend with are guys not ready for marriage or who don't want to remarry when I am pretty old-fashioned in regard to marriage and commitment. So it is trying to find a suitable mate who is also on the same page, as well as sharing the same values.

I was thinking about the dating game today and wondering if it is different for the widowed vs. the divorced. I know for me that I have high standards about commitment because of what I went through with my husband's death. I know what it is like to be in the trenches, by someone's side during their darkest hour. And I think it is for this reason that I am not willing to accept a more casual level of dating or relationship. I want the real deal because I've been there and had it. I want to know that the man I am with is as committed to me as I was to my husband. My loss resulted from death so I'm not so shy about jumping back into the saddle. If anything, the widowhood aspect just seems to make my dating expectations more complicated and confusing!
I would prefer dating widowers but have not met any. I just don't feel divorced men have a full understanding of the realities of being an "only" parent as they still share parenting duties, albeit in separate households.

I'd love to hear how other widows are coping with this issue.

One Size Does Not Fit All (Divorced vs. Only Parents)

Soon into my widowhood I became aware that my status was lumped into that of "Single Parent" along with all the divorced folks out there. This might have happened around the time I attended a grief support group for singles held at a local church. Two of us had just been widowed, while the rest of the women were divorced (some for a number of years). The other widow and I immediately connected and some of the group sessions became difficult - at one, the divorced moms all insisted it was harder to be divorced and the other widow and I had it easier. It became a contest of whose lives were more challenging. The divorced women rationalized that theirs were harder because they had to have ongoing contact with their ex-spouses and to experience continued disappointment and betrayal.

I remember thinking two things: that it was a mistake to have combined a group of widows and divorcees and that even if their contact was bitter and disappointing, at least the divorced moms had ex-spouses still alive to have contact with!

I have just finished reading Theo Pauline Nestor's book on her divorce, "How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, A Memoir of Starting Over." While there are many similarities to being divorced and being widowed, there are differences and these seem to go unnoticed because everyone single just gets lumped into the group "Single Parent." I started to describe myself as a "Widowed Mom" and then my therapist introduced me to the descriptive label "Only Parent." As a widow there is no ex-husband to talk to about report cards and the defiant behavior of your son to his math teacher. He is not around to take the kids on Friday nights or the weekend to provide a much needed break from the drudgery of never ending housework and attending to the needs of the kids. Ex-husbands usually live somewhere nearby and can be called upon to fix a leaking sink or some other matter if necessary.

Theo very accurately describes the tensions and struggles of parenting and forging ahead on her own. But she is not truly alone or as alone as those of us who are widowed. She talks about all the finagling necessary so she could go on a trip or to visit her new long-distance boyfriend. There is an added step for only parents in this process, especially those who do not have family to rely on. She relates scenes in which she has to comfort her grieving daughters. For our families, grief is more profound. Not only has the family been forever changed, now the kids have lost their father forever. Theo's ex comes over to make minor repairs in her home, he helps her pack up the house and to help her move. On the nights he has the girls she treats herself to a massage, browses bookstores and has dinner out at a favorite Chinese restaurant. I have never had a massage, nor gone out for dinner on my own. I unfortunately browse bookstores way too often. The point being, however, that she did have a window of opportunity to focus on herself, whereas that is something I know for me at least has been an extremely rare commodity. When her ex has the girls for an entire week, Theo paints the house and moves the girls into their own rooms. She has enough time to even shop for new furniture at IKEA and hire movers and an electrician! Wow! A few years ago, I was so jealous of a close girlfriend whom is divorced because when her ex took their children on a three-week vacation she did something of the same in painting her home and buying new furniture. She also spent a lot of time at Starbucks and bookstores. I have never sat a Starbucks to wile away an hour. In my widowed life there has never been an hour to wile away!

So in conclusion what is my point? I don't think I have any specific one here. Just that there is a difference between folks lumped together in that "Single Parent" category and it is necessary for us to make distinctions between only parents and divorced parents. Most people out there don't realize or recognize the differences and we should inform them.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the sun is out again. What a difference this really can make on our moods and perspective.
2. There is that hint of Spring in the air. This results in feelings of hope, renewal and peace. (And cute Easter bunnies and flowers and lighter jackets.)
3. That we really made it through a challenging and difficult Winter.

Identity Crisis - So Who Am I Now?

One of the reasons I have been dreading the finalization of this divorce is that now I will be forced to add the label of "Divorcee" to my already complicated persona. I liked the label of "Widow." If there is any perk at all to being a widow it is that label. Say it and it immediately garners a certain level of respect from others. It is also a relatively simple label to describe. "I am a widow." Response - "Oh, really. You are so young. How and when did he die?" This is far less complicated than what I imagine the exchange now to be. "I was a widow but then remarried and now I am a what? A widdiv? And the marriage didn't work because it was very messy and complicated because my husband had never been married and it was hard for him to accept my teenaged boys and my mom was dying when we were supposed to move to his home out-of-state, and then he got mad that we didn't move, and then I got mad because he wasn't supportive of my mom dying, and we were both stubborn middle-aged people (probably a little selfish), and it was hard for us to move from our community, and we probably got married too soon, and I didn't know he was so controlling and inflexible, and he also had a sexual disorder (but that really didn't bother me), and he refused to communicate with me or work on the marriage" and on and on and on. When you are widowed it is cut and dry. You could have had a terrible marriage but it doesn't matter. The widow title disguises that. But as someone who is now almost divorced I feel a sense of failure in addition to loss and that there is a need to explain/justify why the marriage failed.

I never really gave up my identity as a widow, even when I remarried in 2006. Because I was still living on my own the majority of my time since we had a long-distance marriage it always felt like I was still widowed. My husband commuted to our home on weekends and we spent all vacations and school holidays with him. But I never felt married and we never really cohabited together as a man and wife.

So what am I? I am not ashamed that I fell in love and remarried. I still believe in the great power of love and am proud that I took a chance on love. I would not go back and do it any other way. I remarried because I had hope and faith in the future. If I washed away my remarriage I would be getting rid of those heartfelt beliefs that I still cherish.

So I am a woman who was widowed at age 44, remarried at age 47 and divorced at 49. A widdiv. I will google the question of what you call a widowed divorcee and see if I come up with any more clever responses. But I think that I primarily view myself as a middle-aged-widow and I started calling myself Widow-in-the-Middle right after Husband #1 died.