Vision

I was listening to the audio of Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope," and at one point she said that the reason people have trouble moving out of grief is that we are too stuck in our pasts. By that she means we keep wanting for our lives to be like they were before. Because that is impossible to achieve, we remain pretty miserable with our lives.

Actually, I think there is a point to this observation. I know that I wish I had my old life back. Trouble is, I am having trouble envisioning a new life. How are we supposed to do this? It is so much easier to want to restore what we had because it was known and we can see it our our minds. How do I look toward the future when I have nothing to throw my anchor into except a blank slate? My anchor is still stuck behind me because it was familiar and good. The future as an unknown is scary and treacherous.

I guess the point is that we need to have hope and faith in the unknown future. And to cast our anchors out before us blindly expecting the best.

You hear all this advice on what to do but I'm still lost. What are the steps we can take to start our future visions? If I come across any advice on this I'll provide an update, but I've been on this path awhile now and am still floundering.

Purguing Out the Old

This afternoon I got rid of some heavy pieces of furniture in one of two of the storage sheds. Tomorrow the smaller shed will be cleared out and I'll be saving almost $200.00 monthly that can go toward clothing and items for the boys.

I'm feeling bittersweet about the clean-out. I called a local resale shop to inquire if they'd come to the shed to pick up the items and they did. I am grateful because without a strong guy/husband around it is hard for me to lift and move big, bulky objects. And there is just no room in the apartment for all the furniture I used to have in my home.

They took the large pine chest of drawers with mirror that used to be in my master bedroom. Then the headboard for the bed I spent months choosing when I first got married. It was between an all-white cottage bedroom or a more rustic, cabin-lodge feel room. I ended up choosing the later and the headboard was made out of actual logs. The woman from the resale shop really liked it. But it pulled at my heartstrings a little to let it go. A memory of the life I once shared with my husband when my family and I were intact in our nice, spacious, five-bedroom cabin-like home. When I got remarried I purchased a new bed, in fact, an inexpensive bedroom set to celebrate my new life and new beginnings. I'd hoped to use the log headboard at a second home if we got a little cabin on a lake in our retirement...

Also going - the boys' youth firetruck beds. Adorable beds in the shape of firetrucks and actually pretty realistic. I asked the boys if they wanted to keep them for the future but they weren't interested. They're awfully cute and I hope some lucky little boys will enjoy them in the future.

The nice lady from the resale shop walked around my shed and picked at the remaining items. She said she'd take anything there and got some birdhouses and seasonal wreaths. I told her I'd bring over my old Halloween and Christmas outdoor decorations over the summer. It was good to know that I did have some nice furniture and decorations. I'm trying to psyche myself up that it is better to pass these things on where they'll be put to use now and enjoyed vs. being hidden away in a mice-infested storage shed.

I regret giving away my nice green glass-fronted kitchen cabinet - it was so cute. But again, there is no room for it in the apartment and I can't just keep storing everything away for the future, whenever and wherever that may be.

I'm telling myself that releasing these items allows new items (maybe even better) to enter my life. It will be best to purchase a new bed when I start living at a new place and hopefully when I start sleeping on a regular basis with a partner again! I can always get a new curio cabinet to display my pretties and it will be fun to search for a different style that may fit better in a new home. As for the firetruck beds, maybe my sons will end up only having daughters who'll only want princess theme bedrooms!

Part of what I reflected on this afternoon was how hard it has been to lose my home (and possessions) after the death of my husband. His death involved the huge loss of my emotional and financial stability. The home then represented the very foundation of my life - all the safety and security from the ground up. Losing both has rocked my world literally from top to bottom, inside and out.

Drowning Again

I have been pulled under the waves of despondency again. I am grappling with the major decision of remarrying and moving-out-of-state. As the new school term there starts Nov. 30th, this move would be in the upcoming weeks - and I haven't even finished unpacking for this apartment yet! I agonize over transferring my sons out of their high school where they are accepted and popular. One is a Junior, the other a Sophomore. Since my husband's death, all I have focused on is what has been best for my boys. I am trying to save them from more uncertainty, pain and instability. If we move, yes, the financial situation will be better but one will not be able to play boy's volleyball because they do not have that as a high school sport there. He is supposed to be playing varsity volleyball this spring and he has also been asked to try out for the male lead for the spring musical. Not to mention being deprived of completing his Senior year with his class, just a year and a half away. My other son ran varsity track as a Freshman last year - our concerns are that he might not be able to compete athletically coming in as a transfer student. We need to verify that because he is hoping to obtain a college track scholarship.

The community we would be moving into is a larger town surrounded by farmland four hours away. Yesterday, Guyfriend and I battled the relentless rain to look at rental homes. They were rundown and shabby. In fact, the entire town looked that way - tired and sad in the rain. We have been spoiled living in this beautiful community of quaint towns and showcase houses all these years. The need to move is because Guyfriend lost his job and has only been offered this one out-of-state. He does not want to sell his small home because of the terrible market so hopes to rent it out for the time being. That necessitates us living in a rental. When I showed the boys some photos of the homes available, they were less than impressed. "I thought moving was supposed to improve our situation," my oldest remarked as he looked at the homes with disappointment.

There is no question of my feelings or love for Guyfriend. My therapist said that in a way he was a blessing that came out of my divorce. And he and I are well-matched, we get along, we are sexually and physically attracted to one another. No major problems anywhere except for the fact that I have two boys smack dab in the middle of their high school careers and I am worried about all the what ifs that may occur if we move. As if I can even control the future, anyway. We all know how impossible that is but I think that I have been so focused on keeping the boys in this school district because it was about the only thing I could control.

Today is the 18th anniversary of my marriage - married 12 years and now widowed six. On Sunday it will be the anniversary of my husband's death. I wish I could talk to him to ask him what to do. Do I go with the love and financial/marital stability of a new life even though it scares the bejezus out of me? Do I continue to try and protect these boys from what I perceive as pain and suffering? Do I continue to slog along on my own and at least give my boys the stability and predictability of finishing high school here?

My therapist says there is no right or wrong answer here and that is what makes it so difficult. She reminded me how fortunate it is to have met a man who has virtually all of the qualities and values that are important to me - kindness, sense of humor, flexibility, tolerance, optimism, honesty, loyalty, communincation skills, courage, responsible, intelligence. His father died days before his 16th birthday so he has dealt with grief and loss.

I do suspect that if my husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be struggling with all of this. But having faced so much loss, I've gone into some kind of mode where all my devotion and energy has been so centered on my sons. Yes, I do know they'll be gone in a couple of years so I have to consider that. I guess deep down I feel like I'm failing them or selling out for my own gain if we move. When my husband died, all the care and responsibility fell on me. Coming from a neglectful/abusive childhood,I embraced protecting and mothering my sons with even more duty and responsibility - it became a mission of love and devotion.

It helps to write this all out and get what is really inside me. I don't want to hide from this. Life hasn't been easy or fair but so what? That reality doesn't make this decision any easier - maybe it even makes it harder. I so want just a little bit of life to go my way for once. To let the boys at least finish out their high school years in one piece instead of having to face more change and turmoil.

One of the widowhood obstacles I've encountered has been the lack of compassion for my sons. It is like everyone has expected them to bounce back and be resilient. It is like everyone sees past them but not into them. Enough years have passed by now where the loss of their Dad is somewhat overlooked or forgotten and some people don't even know (if we've just met them). But they are still struggling, maybe even more so because they are older, more mature and understand how much they have really lost.

I guess life is just a bunch of trade-offs. A new dad (stable, kind, dependable) but losing one's friends. Guyfriend says he will be able to help me drive the boys around to all their events - but they won't have any (at first anyway) to participate in! What if they don't make any friends or worse off do so with the wrong crowd? Am I being silly for thinking of these things? Wouldn't I be a worse parent if I didn't? It is easy for Guyfriend to reassure me and tell me everything will work out. But these are not his kids - nor have they lived with a dad the past seven years. It has just been us facing some pretty stormy seas together, tossing and turning together on our life raft, hanging on to each other for dear life. We've made it this far...

When I started seeing Guyfriend he had a job and his wife still lived in the same town with their son. She remarried and moved out-of-state, he lost his job. Life's twists and turns played out full force. I am so tired of always having to think and plan and figure out what to do. I want to lie in bed and go to sleep and somehow turn off the turmoil in my head for at least a little bit.

Today I am grateful:

1. Well, I suppose I should say that I even have another option to consider (moving), right?
2. For Guyfriend.
3. For the anniversary of this day and what it means - a marriage that resulted in the creation of two fine young men.
4. For all the love and hope I embraced when I married 18 years ago on this date - I so wish some of that could be more fully restored so I could believe it again.
5. For Husband #1 - everything I have done has been in tribute to him and for the benefit of our sons.

Buried Alive!

Junk King hauled away the four large furniture pieces at 10 a.m. Shortly later, the two scrap scavenger guys came to haul away the metal, a large file cabinet and the extra refrigerator in the garage. Just now the first dumpster was picked up and the second dropped off. As the overflowing dumpster was put onto the truck, I thought about all the useless junk that was in it. A whole garage full of broken toys and bits and pieces of old toy parts. Old sports equipment, holiday decorations, outdated baby items. I was certainly expecting more treasures as I cleared out the garage but so far nothing has turned up.

I wonder if part of my being buried in so much stuff was the result of me wanting to bury myself. If I was buried, I wouldn't be able to move on to a new life without my deceased husband. This thought has crossed my mind the past few days as I've cleaned out the garage. I suppose the garage would still be in the state it was in if I hadn't been forced to clean it because of the move. Maybe it is a good thing that I am being forced to move and to move on.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all the very nice service workers who have helped me with this move.
2. For the assistance my close girlfriend and guyfriend have given me with moving.
3. For having sold the house (knock on wood until the closing is completed!).
4. For the bright moonlight through my bedroom window. I will miss that when I move.
5. For the church chimes and train whistles I hear from my home. I'll miss those comforting sounds too.

More Living, Less Grieving

I started blogging as a way to process my grief and to comment on my life as a middle-aged widow who'd gotten remarried but was getting divorced and as such was going back to her widowed status. Because of a number of difficult and tragic circumstances after my first husband's death, I did not have much of an opportunity to mourn his passing when I should have, five-six years ago. This blog let me accomplish some of that delayed grieving and has also let me spout on issues I think the general public needs to be aware of (such as the fact that you don't get over grief; how tough it is to be an "only" parent; the loneliness and isolation of widowhood, etc.).

When I started blogging on Jan. 1, I hoped to connect with other widows and I figured if my efforts ended up helping even one other widow or widower in some small way, it would be worth it. I think that some people out there have gained from my words and I know that I have found much comfort in the comments, wisdom, support and advice of others. Today I read a post from a widow still new in her grief at just the year anniversary mark. But what she wrote and reflected upon had an immense impact on me. That is the beauty of this community. To be supported and gain new perspective.

What she wrote about was finding some peace in her progress at this point to not dwell so much on the pain of her loss but to focus more on the living from this point forward. She so eloquently said that she can now focus more on her husband being a part of her life and an ongoing presence rather than not being present. I was so touched and blown away by this fresh insight. I mulled it over and began to see the connections to my own life. I am still so grieving the end of my marriage to my second husband. But like death, he isn't part of my life anymore. He is gone. My continual focus and grief over this loss prevents me from focusing on the people here in my life right now - those who have not abandoned me and are interactive with me in my day-to-day affairs. That would include my boys and the small circle of friends I have cultivated.

Reading this lovely and perceptive post today gave me much to reflect on. I need to start transferring some of my grief into the present and I can do that by concentrating my thoughts and actions toward the people in my life now. It is probably time to do this. A year has passed since that fateful day last July 7 when my husband told me he had refiled the divorce and then hung up on me, not to talk with me until I next saw him in court on Oct. 30.

The other direction this took me to was that I need to concentrate more on what I have in my life and not what is lacking in it. So that will become a new focus of mine starting today.

When we compose and send a post we have no idea of the impact it may have on those it reaches.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of those who have read and responded to my blog.
2. For the wisdom I have gained from the posts of others.
3. For sticking with this blog because it has served me in ways I never could have first believed.
4. For the widow/widower blogging community which has made me feel less isolated and crazy.
5. For the continued beautiful summer weather.

Today I Have:

1. Two wonderful, beautiful young men as my children.
2. A roof over our heads.
3. Enough food and clothing (not to mention makeup, purses, trinkets and other frivolities).
4. A computer.
5. Supportive friends either a phone call away or down the street from me.

It's All Just a Pile of Junk!

I spent most of today consolidating two of my storage sheds into one. It was a long, hot, grueling, tiring and dirty job - not fun at all but it had to be done. I can't keep paying money to store stuff that needs to be sorted through and donated/thrown out.

The trouble with all of this started when I was planning to move with husband #2 and put items in storage in anticipation of that. But then my Mom died and my parent's house was sold. Because my Dad was also very sick, there wasn't time to go through the contents of their house before it sold (we only had two weeks) and I ended up taking boxes of items from their house and just putting it all into storage. But out of sight, out of mind. Everything has continued to sit in a 10 x 20 shed until now when I just can't put off going through my stuff, my parent's stuff and husband #1's stuff any longer. I can't afford it and with the prospect of moving, it has to be eliminated in case I need to store furniture or items that won't fit into an apartment.

Problem #2 - I just don't have much time to go through everything, which is why it has sat for the two years my Mom has been gone. Hopping on over to a storage facility to work on clearing out your parent's old belongings is not up there on the fun parade of things to do. It is depressing and sad to do so. Time consuming and grimy besides. And because the storage site is some miles away, it is another factor preventing much progress on the task.

One of my close girlfriends called me last night having just returned from a trip to her parent's home. She had spent a week there of vacation trying to clean up/clear out the home in preparation of selling it. Her dad is now in an assisted living facility and her mom passed away a few years back. She claimed to have not made much progress in her week there. I laughed as she described how her dad hoarded everything and collected pencils, pens, rubber bands, flashlights, pads of paper and the like. The same with my Dad! In my cleanup of their home, I found a paper bag with probably 500, if not more, book marks! But my parents were not as organized as my friend's parents. There were boxes in my parent's home with papers in them ranging from 1972 - 2002 in no particular order. That made going through things more difficult because I needed to look at all the contents of a box - couldn't just assume it was all from the early disco era!

In talking with my friend, I mentioned that what made me so sad is that the fact that my Dad now lives in an assisted living facility and has no trace of the former life he used to live around him. No need for his extensive pen, pencil and bookmark collection. It is like everything in my parent's home ended up not amounting to very much in the end. My girlfriend understood exactly what I meant - she felt the same way too as she visited her father in his assisted living facility.

In the end, the vast array of stuff we accumulate and surround ourselves with is just junk! Worthless and taking up unnecessary space in the storage sheds or garages of unfortunate relatives left to the task of sorting through all of it. My girlfriend who was divorced in March also has her home on the market to downsize. I commiserated with her that here we are trying to get through the junk in our own lives and also stuck with the task of dealing with the mess of our parents.

These observations have given me the impetus to get through the junk as quickly as possible and to not hold on to much - the bare minimum of memories. It is serving a bit as a guide to how I want to move forward from here - with less clutter and unnecessary items accumulating and stagnating my life.

Today I am grateful:

1. For fireflies.
2. For ladybugs.
3. For butterflies.
4. For cottage cheese with pineapple.
5. For raisin toast.

Clean Sweep

A few years ago, I watched a British television series called "Clean Sweep" about organizing your home and de-cluttering. A team went into people's homes and pretty much cleared out the excess which was put into this machine called "the Crusher!" There was always a garage sale (in Britain they call them car boot sales) too. I really didn't like the show for a couple of reasons. I remember one episode where the team made a poor guy clear out his beloved childhood collection of Beatrix Potter figures. The guy was allowed to keep a few of his figures and was just crying. For Pete's sake, I thought, let him have his collection which was nicely displayed in a cabinet!

Then I remember an episode where an older middle-aged woman had lost her husband five years before. She had a boyfriend and they were living together or moving in together or something like that. The team just blasted this poor woman for not having cleaned up the clutter in her life (including all that remained from her deceased husband). I remember the woman gave the explanation that life had just moved on too quickly after her husband died and she hadn't been able to keep up. I think my husband had been dead a few years and I totally understood this woman's predicament. Too bad the Clean Sweep crew wasn't more sympathetic or understanding.

I feel very much this woman now as I go through the house and try to move on. It is going on six years since the death of my husband and so much happened that got in the way after his death as fate would have it (aging parents, a sick child, work, remarriage, divorce, my Mom dying, solo parenting...). Just as this woman in the Clean Sweep series, life kind of overtook me. For the longest while, one of the spare bedrooms downstairs couldn't be used because during my husband's three-year illness, whenever I didn't have a place for something I just threw it in there. That continued after his death too. I would stand at the door and throw whatever I didn't want to deal with in the room! I am totally serious about this, although I am laughing as I now write. Looking back it is so sad and funny - I am sure the Clean Sweep crew would have had a hey day about that one.

It is very hot and humid today and I've concentrated on getting rid of clothes in the spare closet so I can work upstairs in the air conditioning. It is hard for me to get rid of stuff in the first place and I struggle weeding out things now, especially anything that brings back a memory of my deceased husband. Today though I have the rule going on that I have to get rid of ANY clothing item with a drawstring waist. Why I even have a fair number of clothes with drawstring waist bands is troubling to me because they are not too flattering. But I guess they date back to the days of my husband's illness when I was so busy caring for him and the kids that I didn't have time to shop for myself and would just grab stuff off the racks without even trying them on. It strikes me as very appropriate and timely to pass those items on to the Goodwill donation center - they're from a painful part of my life and should be swept out!

Today I am grateful:

1. That hot weather naturally induces my desire to eat better and less, so I'm thinner in summer.
2. That the spare bedroom I talked about has been long cleared out and my oldest uses it as a music room for his drum set.
3. That even though it is hot and sticky at least it is not cold and snowing.
4. That I have a job and it has helped me get acclimated to the work force after time off.
5. For light body spray fragrances you can spritz on all day to cool off and freshen up.

Hitting Bottom (Again)

Woke up this a.m. to see an odd site in the front lawn - we were "forked" with dozens of white, plastic forks stuck into the newly mowed grass! I figured it was some kids who know the boys. I love that they are popular but it can be a double-edged sword. We've gotten t.p.ed by girls trying to get the attention of my youngest; egged by some boys jealous of my oldest. Then tonight, my oldest called me while I was still at work around 10:30. He was very unsettled and reported that someone had dumped ketchup on the driveway and thrown oatmeal on the car. I know it is still probably kids who know the boys but it is bothersome. The pranksters who did the forking did so right outside my open window last night and I did not hear a thing.

I guess where this is all leading tonight is that I am simply tired of living on my own as an only mom. I want a male presence around to help make me feel safer and secure. I've just worked eight hours and it is late. Now I have to come home and face such silliness. I don't have the energy or good humor anymore to deal with this kind of stuff. I wish I could laugh it off and make light of it. But at this time there are too many other problems to face and this kind of thing really puts me over the edge.

Oh, and to top it all off, in the mail was a rejection letter denying the boys state medical insurance coverage. And darn it that Monday is a holiday because now I'll have to worry about all this another day before getting some kind of answer. In the past five years the absolutely worst feeling I have had has been when I have not been able to provide for my boys adequately. To be facing no insurance right now is extremely upsetting to me. I have no choice but to look for another job that will enable me to have coverage. I am scheduled to work only 19.5 hours next week, way below the 35 I was originally promised.

I have really hit another low point and slump. It is hard for me to feel hopeful and many of my thoughts are focused on how I should have moved out of state sooner with my second husband instead of choosing to delay the move to care for my dying Mom. But of course I didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future. Never in a million years when I first got married and had the boys would I have believed this would have been my destiny. Nor would I have believed that after remarrying, my second husband would dump us and leave us in financial and emotional tatters.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful/thankful list on purpose. I am tired and have to go back to work again tomorrow morning. I hope I can sleep some of this sadness off. I wish my life was not such a struggle and hardship right now. I keep thinking I've hit my bottom but then I hit an even lower point so I guess I'm still not there yet. But I'm not sure there is any lower point to go from here - we're pretty darn low!

My friend says that I cannot dwell on the past and what might have been because it is over and no longer an option. He says I have to focus on the future. Easier said than done.

Back in Civilization

I start a new job today - my first in three years! I am a bit nervous and anxious - what if I don't do well? I'm afraid I won't learn fast enough and all of that. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I do think this is positive because it will give me less time to anguish about my ex. However, now I'll have to start worrying about all those things like visible panty lines again. It has been nice to not have to worry about those matters - throw on a pair of jeans because I'm just at home or at one of the boy's sporting events. I guess I'm rejoining the world again. (I hope my panty lines don't show on my first day - I'll have to buy new underwear!)

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have a job.
2. That someone gave me a chance to start over and prove myself.
3. That after everything I've gotten through, a work orientation should be a piece of cake.
4. That I will have an opportunity to meet new people.
5. That a new door is opening in my life.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I have decided to devote the next month to "healing." My personalized plan will involve trying to get through all the excess "stuff" in my house. Right now I feel so buried under. I think/hope that if I can clear some of the old stuff out, it will improve my outlook and help me move forward. The last few years have been so busy I haven't had the time or opportunity to clear out all the old clothing, books and toys that have accumulated. Then, on top of that, there is still some sorting to do of my deceased husband's possessions. As well as boxes and bags remaining from my parent's home. This is all bad enough but yesterday I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's home and these need to be organized and put away too. Quite a job ahead of me! But I am bound and determined to get this done once and for all!

This is the first time I have really felt up to the challenge. I so want to clear out all the old so what remains is what is useful and functional for our current life. This plan is making me feel motivated and in control. Every little bit will help - anything that I can move out of here will free some of the stagnant air that is smothering us. I am on my way out to donate today's load to Goodwill - 14 pairs of my old pants that are too big for me; 2 pairs of capri pants (too big); 2 skirts (too big) and a very nice black raincoat (since my husband died I refuse to wear black - I don't even carry a black purse anymore). And a pair of boy's novelty Homer Simpson slippers. My goal is to try and take at least a bag of stuff over to the Goodwill every day. We'll see how I do.

The other part of my healing plan is to knit as much as possible. Knitting is supposedly as therapeutic as meditation and at this point I don't have much time to devote to just sitting still. But I can knit and watch t.v. at the same time. Author Laurie Perry describes in her book, "Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair - The True-Life Misadventures of a 30-Something Who Learned to Knit After He Split," how focusing both on cleaning and knitting help her transition through her divorce.

Life is too Short

I still struggle on a daily basis with feelings of loss and tremendous sadness concerning my divorce from Husband #2. It is like this terrible sore that just won't heal. I continue to have nightmares and migraines on an almost nightly basis about my ex. There is this continuous loop that just keeps repeating itself - I play over all aspects of our "marriage" and what I did or didn't do. I know there are any number of reasons why this could be happening. For one, I think that the divorce happening so soon after Husband #1 and my Mom died has made it much more difficult to get through. Looking back now, I believe that I hadn't even really grieved my husband's death before I started to help care for my seriously ill parents. So my grief over his death was kind of put on hold. When Husband #2 filed for divorce, it opened up the floodgates for all the grief left over from Husband #1, which just kind of combined with and increased the grief I felt about the divorce. And it doesn't help of course, to be facing all kinds of financial hardship on top of everything else.

Yesterday, my close girlfriend met me at the high school to watch my oldest at his Volleyball match. As we sat in the bleachers, I asked her how she would stop thinking about her ex if she were in my situation. She told me that she would focus on the new man in her life and whenever a thought popped into her head about the ex, she'd force herself to think of the new guy. I also talked to my sister last night and asked her the same question. She also told me to focus on the new guy in my life, to leave the past in the past and to look ahead to the future. One of her comments was that the past is way, way gone - there is nothing we can do about it now. She added that life is short - far too short for continued angst and agony.

Life is far too short for me to continue to beat myself up over a relationship that was not meant to be. It is time for me to really move on and release the pain and regrets I have over what wasn't. For me, I think that I hold on to all of this because as long as I do, I still have the people I've lost with me. It has always been very hard for me to give up the past and to move on. But if ever there was a time to do so it is now. And maybe it is as simple as consciously committing to and concentrating on what is active and alive in your life.

Today I am grateful:

1. For family.
2. For friends.
3. For TAZO Awake tea.
4. For the belief that being a good, kind person will in the end bring more peace and comfort than doing something spiteful to Husband #2 (like sprinkling a product on his lawn that will kill all the grass).
5. That my boys are popular and well-liked.