Touching, Hugging, Holding and Feeling

There is such a huge void from the lack of physical contact with a partner. Sex is a part of that, but only a part. It is more missing the actual presence of someone in the same space, be it the home, the car or the bed.

I'm a very touchy/feely person and miss the opportunities to reach out and take my partner's hand or give a hug. At work, I often hold the residents hands or give them a caress of the shoulder. I take care when washing the residents hair - one man told me how nice it felt to have his scalp massaged and he was grateful.

I bring this up because it is yet another loss and one that seems to be overlooked. It is not only the emotional loneliness but the physical loneliness and lack of personal contact.

I'm not sure there is much anyone can do about this but endure it. My sons are tolerant of my hugs and pats but they are the result of my reaching out to them. If I didn't hug them, I wouldn't be getting any physical contact. I suppose this may be a reason people eventually get back out there and start dating again. I know for me, I've about reached my limit on the lonely life.

I don't know who will ever read this post or when. I do know I have a need to put these words out there in the belief that they may reach someone who will need to see them. I mainly want to increase the perception of what widowhood is like for those who don't know it. Imagine going home night after night to an empty house and sleeping in a bed alone for years! I am surprised I haven't jumped off a bridge yet in frustration! It is another aspect of a challenging life.

Sex is a great way to release tension. It is also a way to connect with others and to feel loved, desired, cared for and wanted. And it can be an energizer. Funny, how those of us most in need of these things are the most lacking.

I hope more than anything that these posts have reached or will reach people with the message that losing a spouse is so much more than what meets the eye. There are so many layers to the loss - so many intricacies to the widowhood life. I hope people will look beyond what they see to the insides of the grieving - their emotions, hearts and souls.

Right before I started dating my second husband, I started checking out the few single men I knew of, including the kind of creepy middle-aged guy who bagged my purchases at the grocery store! I can look back on that and laugh - but it isn't really all that funny either!

Marriage Reflections

Yesterday while we were with GF (for purposes of this post I will refer to him as Saul), he did something that was so perfectly HIM and what he would do I pointed it out and called it a "Saulism." He agreed with me that his buying three different burritos at the same time when he went in to get dinner was exactly something he'd do. We both laughed and appreciated his measure to save time by buying enough at once to take home and have for other meals/leftovers. I am glad that GF and I have reached the point where I know him well enough to predict what he'd order off the menu or how he'd react to a certain situation. To have gotten to the point where I recognize his quirks and accept them instead of being annoyed by them. This got me to also reflect on what I really valued about marriage to Husband #1 which was the commitment part through thick and thin. There were a number of times in my marriage where I could have thrown in the towel but I didn't. We hung in there and made it to the other side. It was worth that effort not only for the boys but ourselves as well.

When I first started to date after my husband's death, I heard from others how exciting it would be to go through the butterflies and anticipation of getting to know someone again. I actually dreaded that part of the process and if I could have would have fast-forwarded to skip it all. Having been married and survived many challenges within my marriage, all that new dating stuff just seemed like a lot of "fluff" to me. I wanted the substance of really knowing someone. So well that when the doctor comes to you asking what your husband's wishes for treatment would be, you know exactly what they are and feel comfortable relating that to the doctor. It is because you know that person intimately and have lived with them through the challenges as well as the good times.

I resisted dating and getting back out there because I wanted to go right to the solid predictability of what I'd had in my marriage. But of course, we all know that to get to that point you have to go through the early stuff so eventually I started to date because I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. And to be fully honest, I also missed the physical intimacy and sex. My husband was ill for a number of years and during that time sex was a pretty low priority for us. I regretted that after going a few years without any. I promised myself that in the future I'd never take a single sexual encounter for granted again.

It is difficult to date when you have kids and are an only parent. There are no alternating weekends off. So when I met the man who became my second husband and we seemed to get along well, I threw in the towel and stuck with him. I didn't date anyone else and married very quickly, I suppose in a way to cement the intimacy and connection I so much wanted. But a pairing between a widowed mom devoted to her children and a never-married 50-year-old man with very limited relationship experience was not a good fit. He wanted the excitement of the new relationship and I wanted the stability and security of the humdrum married life. I was willing to work through thick and thin. He wanted to be in control because he'd always been able to be. And there were issues between divided loyalty between a husband and the fatherless children from the previous marriage. Husband #2 often said he felt he was in competition with my late husband as well as my boys.

I just wanted my old life back - that of a middle-aged suburban soccer mom. And when given the chance tried to recreate what probably couldn't be, at least with the man I married. I try to limit what I post about Husband #2 out of respect for GF who reads this blog. I still feel tremedous betrayal and hurt over my divorce, although the shock has diminished. It sometimes amazes me that after such loss (a husband dying and the new one divorcing me so quickly) that I could ever experience feelings of love and romance again. But somehow life has gone on and a good, decent, kind guy has hung in there by my side for long enough a time to surpass the honeymoon period to get to that point that means the most to me - knowing someone more deeply and imtimately. This is what matters and is most important. To be able to nod one's head knowingly and smile because your significant other did something you can see him doing. And it is cute and funny and a good thing to have reached that place again.

Sex and Sleeping Alone

I am feeling particularly discouraged, lonely and sad tonight and the prospect of going to bed alone is even more depressing. I want to be sharing and sleeping in the same bed with a partner every night. To go to bed with someone special by your side and then to awaken with them to start a new day is in my opinion one of the most simple pleasures we can experience. Nothing tops having someone to hold or having someone hold you; especially when you need to feel supported and loved.

The entire year before my husband died, we had sex only once. He was just so sick and in and out of the hospital. There came a point for both of us where his survival became our focus and sex was something we didn't even think about anymore. After he died, I remember regretting not having had more sex - not so much in the final year of his illness but during the healthy years. I remembered all the times when we'd had arguments and gone to bed facing away from each other. I vowed to myself that in my next relationship I would never take sex for granted again, nor would I ever go to bed angry with my partner.

I started dating two and a half years after my husband's death not for any real significant reason other than I wanted to experience sex again. I missed sex. And again I made a vow but this time it was that I would not go for such a long time without sex. But tonight I'm thinking of things other than sex and my need to share a bed and life with a committed partner. It is going on almost seven years since I've had a man next to me in bed on a daily basis (the last year of my husband's life he was in the hospital and not at home and when I remarried, my second husband and I had a long-distance marriage and he only stayed with me on some weekends or over school breaks and vacations).

That is what I am most missing now - not the sex so much but that steady physical presence in my life. And how significant it is that committed partners end and start their days together in bed. That makes my going to sleep tonight in my comfy Queen bed a bit more melancholy.