BOO!

Caught these costumed mice in my grocery store's floral dept. the other day and noted that Halloween is still over three months away! I love seeing how early I'll spot holiday items months before the actual date. But anyway, my youngest son mentioned that I haven't been blogging much and that is true of late. It is a strange and disorientating summer. I suppose a lot has to do with my oldest going off to college. They talked about family transitions at the college orientation and maybe for us/me it is even more of one.

I know that in the weeks leading up to my son's graduation I was journeying into a funky mood. It has not abated. The best I can do to describe it is to explain that for many, many years now my entire focus and energy has been on getting my sons out of high school successfully, and from this specific high school at that. Now that that day has come for my oldest with the youngest to follow next year, it is as though I have abruptly lost that focus. I feel at loose ends, without direction and unsure of my immediate future.

I do know that I cannot remain living in this area on my own. I don't make enough to live comfortably and just keeping our heads above water has become too wearing on my being and soul. The traffic and large population of our area is also getting to me. I long for a rural place, more quiet and slower paced. I have no idea what career direction I'll take. I want to work for 20 more years but have not done well figuring out how I can harness an out-dated master's degree in psychology into a position that will be personally rewarding to me and helpful to the world and others. I guess I can try and focus on that after my oldest goes off to college and I have more free time.

There is this huge part of me that just wants me to be gone from this place, right now, immediately! But I have promised to be here for my youngest, who already feels slighted by the successes of his older brother. I owe him that and I will honor that commitment. How can one year seem so endless in duration?

Part of me is just so darned tired too. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. The past eight years of only parenting have been very stressful and have taken a toll. I am lacking in spirit and energy. The excessive heat and endless storms we keep having here doesn't help.

People in the past have told me that I've been so strong. That is not true. I just did the best I could under sometimes pretty tough circumstances. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That is still happening now but I must say it is more of a rote/automatic process and I seem to have lost something. I had a goal I was working very hard toward (getting my sons through school) and now that I have almost fully accomplished that I am left hanging... Living alone, without a partner adds to the mix. There is no one here to divert my thoughts or to refocus on.

I have come to know that transitions are hard on us all. But maybe for widows they're a little harder to face and move through.

Cowls and Change

I noticed at the Knit Club that all the women wore an item they had knitted be it a scarf, sweater, wrist warmers - and there were a lot of cowls/neck warmers. So it made me want to wear something too and with a $3.00 skein of yarn I created my own cowl which I wore last night.

At the meeting, I sat next to a woman whose daughter soon leaves for a mission assignment overseas. She also talked about her 55-year-old husband having lost his job in June. He has been on the job hunt but nothing is in the works and they are thinking of moving to Texas for a cheaper cost of living and to be closer to some family there. I think of my difficulty in finding "real" work, not the part time stuff I've been doing just to make ends meet. At times with this hostess job I am so bored I want to scream! I felt the same way cashiering at the big box store.

This all leads up to Obama's State of the Union Address on Tuesday. It was an interesting speech for me because the beginning of it reminded me a lot of widowhood. When Obama talked about the middle-aged population struggling to find employment he used words such as reinvention and having had known worlds collapse around you. Both of these descriptions so aptly fit widowhood as well.

The references to reinvention are really bothering me. Because having lived a life that has pretty much totally collapsed on all levels, I know first hand how difficult it is to reestablish oneself and start anew. Obama really didn't offer any examples or ideas of how people are supposed to "reinvent" themselves except to go back to school. This is troubling because I can't afford that option now except for a program at a community college because I have to concentrate on getting two kids through college - their education is the number one priority. My educational goals are secondary, yet I need to make enough to find a job where I feel emotionally fulfilled and economically stable.

Obama also talked about the health care crisis. Today I received notification that although my sons will still be covered under the State, I will lose my coverage. How am I supposed to afford medical insurance for myself now? It seems as though I can never get caught up (I'm assuming my insurance will run about $300.00 monthly). We can barely make it on the pension yet we qualify for no benefits other than the insurance such as for food and utility subsidies. My rent alone costs $1,200.00. I need a full time job with insurance benefits. But like so many other mid-lifers out of work am at a loss about how I go reinventing my work and career life.

I heard a horrifying statistic. I seem to recall that it was something along the lines that 85% (it might have even been higher) of people ages 55 and older currently out of work will never find work again. The suggestion was for mid-lifers to somehow try and create their own consulting type jobs and become independent contractors. Easier said than done.

This is all very gloomy and distressing. No one seems to have any real solutions. I want to try and remain positive that despite my outdated and defunct master's degree I can somehow turn my experience around and add some kind of training to it so I can work in an office again as a professional and actually have a health insurance plan. That will be the focus of my efforts at this point. But it is so hard with so much else always on my plate...

I wish it were as easy as simply taking an evening to knit a cowl. But therein perhaps lies the answer. I did knit a cowl to adapt and fit in. I have to continue to believe that it will happen on the major fronts too.

Reinvention

Judith Viorst in her book "Necessary Losses," raises a distinction in regard to the death of a spouse as differing from that of another loved one. She explains that when a spouse dies, an entire way of life is also taken from the survivor and that in itself becomes another death to surmount.

I really identified with this description, it just rings so true with me and my experience. Right now I see my life as one of having to be totally reinvented by myself from the ground up. It is as though I am emerging from the womb naked and at this point everything necessary for my survival has to be provided by me. In a way, I am now serving as a parent to myself.

I lost every aspect of my previous life with the exception of my education which I've always believed can never be taken from you. My financial cushion is shattered, the home to provide some of that financial security is gone, I've lost my social network, I don't have a career or job in keeping with my interests, skills or educational level, the absence of emotional love, support and connection that was the heart and soul of my marriage has left me bitter, hopeless and drained.

Here I am at 51 needing to undertake a total rebuilding of my life for all levels and aspects and I don't seemingly have the strength, energy or even desire to do so right now. I'm exhausted from the years of sorrow and the constant getting up and facing the day on my own. At 51 I'm not sure anymore how much my depression, anxiety and exhaustion stem from my age and the beginnings of menopause or actual grief. Why does it have to be one or the other? Maybe I am suffering from both!

I thought the other day that I probably have a good 20 years left in the work place where I can be productive to others and derive some meaning and satisfaction for myself. I need to make a concerted effort to seek employment in my field and to regain my qualifications which are outdated.

But I admit I am utterly overwhelmed by the prospect of having to reinvent myself at so many levels, from the ground up while being naked! I don't know where to start and my fear combines with me just not doing anything. I lack a plan - I don't even know how to make a plan on a course of action. There seems to be too much to do and everything to do all at the same time. Do I focus more on one specific aspect or goal or try to work on them evenly at the same time? Having a better job would improve the financial end of life but having a better social support system would make it easier for me to focus on my work life.

I feel in similar ways to that of myself as a college student. I had a tough time figuring out what to concentrate on and ended up getting my BA with the 5-year plan because I'd changed my major so often. But at least back then I felt the support of family and friends behind me. I knew if I made a mistake and failed there would be a place for me to go and guidance in helping me figure out the next step. Now I am in the position of trying to guide my sons to the best of my ability and figure out this new personal path and I am feeling crushed under the pressure and responsibility.

I know that the optimistic thinkers and doers out there can to point to this as an opportunity for great growth and potential. Like those speeches you'd hear about being able to accomplish your dreams and aspirations. But I tell you, I didn't have any clue ahead of time that this would become the new state and reality of my life. Around me others are thinking about retirement and relaxation. It is a rude awakening to be plunged into a world where what you knew and are familiar with has been stripped away. I need to work at a better job simply to survive and assist my boys with their college educations. I don't have a choice. And rather than inspire me to more greatness, that in and of itself isn't a motivator. I'm being forced to survive whereas before in my old life, decisions I made were based on what I wanted to do on my terms. Kind of like now being forced at gun point to keep trudging forward, rather than do so willingly. It does make a difference.

Sitting here and brooding about all of this gets me nowhere. I suppose in the end, whatever step I end up taking, in whatever direction it is going, is one small step toward the future and going forward and an improvement from stagnating in my current fear and indecision. "Take a step. Any step. Take a chance, any chance and see where it leads and what comes of it."

Dog Days of Summer

It has been very hot here the past week as it has been across the country. There is a heat advisory until tomorrow night for Chicago. I grumble and am cranky in this weather. My hair gets frizzy, my face is shiny and I feel cooped up because it is too hot for much outdoor activity. Then I get upset that I have to run the air conditioner so much and I worry about next month's electric bill.

In the winter I curse the snowstorms and cold. It seems as though the weather is always unstable. There is never a calm period of a week or two of weather that is pleasant, clear and without excessive humidity or freezing below zero temps.

The weather extremes seem to echo my own life. I just want a period of relative calm where I can "recover" a bit from all the chaos that we've been living through. Just a week is all I ask. But there always seems to be something that comes up - emergencies with car reparis or financial setbacks. I'm begging for an opportunity to go to bed without fretting and to wake up without dread in my heart.

Maybe some people crave excitement and the energy and high that comes from the unknown. But give me the safe, stable and predictable. That is when I shine and grow. They say change forces you to become stronger, to expand beyond your boundaries. But I've come to find that I'm more likely to take risks and chances when the rest of my world is mundane and ordinary. When my world is out of control, I just want to retreat within and huddle inside - I become afraid to venture out and become lethargic and unmotivated. I suppose my depression and lack of motivation are ways to counteract the chaos I feel raging around my life. I am so afraid to leap out into the tornado of life, I slunk back into my burrow.

Dealing with the extremes and the out-of-the-ordinary take excess effort and I'm fatigued. I don't have the energy to start facing the world with a smile on my face and spring in my step when I've been trying to slay the dragons of figuring out how to feed my family with nothing left in the bank and juggling bills to fix the van. I need to revive myself and that sometimes comes about naturally with just a period without radical ups and downs. Maybe the cool front coming in over the weekend will be the start of that restoration.

Upheaval

This is an extension to my earlier post. Just the other day I was reading a novel (Big Stone Gap by Adriana Trigiani) in which the main character faces the death of her mom and moving from her home. The author mentioned how these two events are at the top of life stressors. Reading this was interesting to me because I had been contemplating this very issue. I will use the example of the annoying baseball mom and the hypothetical issue of her caring for her parents. In real life her dad attends all the games and both parents are spry and chipper. But for the sake of an example I'll alter the situation so she is caring for elderly, sick, feeble-minded parents.

On its face, of course this is a difficult and trying situation. Many of us baby boomers are involved in this aspect of life. But it is generally easier (physically and emotionally) for a married woman to be involved in this task compared to a widowed mom with young kids as I was when I was involved with caregiving. So it is not the sad aspect of the situation that is different (caring for aging parents) but rather the circumstances surrounding that situation.

When I look at other people's lives what hits me is not that they don't have to face problems or grief, but rather that they haven't had to deal with so much upheaval in their lives. Perhaps that is where the difference lies. And it ends up having nothing to do with problems or grief but rather the upheavals surrounding difficulty.

The upheaval surrouding the death of a spouse and being left with children to raise alone affects so many aspects and areas of one's life, I don't have a short and sweet way to describe it. You are thrown into a tailspin, left reeling, spinning and dizzy, yet expected to get up, dust yourself off and bravely march forward. That is upheaval. Moving from a large home and into an apartment, selling a home to avoid foreclosure, packing and sorting and tossing all by oneself with no one to lean on is upheaval. Example baseball mom didn't lose a spouse and spend the next set of years raising kids alone. Nor was she forced to leave her home.

Yes, she experienced the normal range of daily annoyances we all do but she had the support of her husband next to her. So in the end it is easier for her to cope, deal with and face the issue of her aging parents. She has more energy and resolve because there has been less upheaval in her life.

The definition of upheaval is great agitation and change. When I look around me at the other women in my community, I don't see any who have moved or had to cope with the death of their spouse. Those are events of such magnitude, agitation and change. I think that is where my frustration has been lying. That the seesaw is so tilted in regard to the amount of upheaval the boys and I have had to face vs. less upheaval of others.

There is reason to be concerned. Some days I am so worried about finances and how the boys are going to get through college I believe I am at risk for cancer and/or a heart attack. It is widely believed that people with less emotional support in their lives face greater stress and greater health problems. Married folks (even those with problems and what marriage is perfect) have better health than those who are unmarried and desire to be so. I feel all of this when I'm with the moms and parents of my community.

There are various stress tests out there (even Dr. Phil had one in one of his books) that rate life events. If some of us have experienced far more of those events in our lives, of course our lives, perspectives and feelings are going to be different than those who have not. How can the bridge of understanding be crossed to give acknowledgment to those differences? Why is it such a bad thing for someone to say, "Gee, she's had to face a heck of a lot" instead of trying to always have an even playing score. Life isn't fair. People's experiences aren't either. What's the purpose of those life stressor tests anyway when all is said and done in the end?

I want to get past the feelings of unfairness and betrayal I feel when I compare my life to that of others. But it isn't easy for me to dismiss - perhaps because I am still struggling and life is so hard. Maybe these feelings will only dissipate when my life improves a bit and I start to regain some of the footing I've lost. Maybe when you're still caught up in the struggle it is too hard to be able to stand back and have a more alturistic nature.

There is a difference between a grief event/experience and then the upheaval that comes afterward. They are not one and the same. Maybe this all has nothing to do with grief but rather surviving upheaval, hardships and change that have wrecked havoc on my life the past seven years.