Lost Minds and Cookbooks

You know it is bad PMS when you go ahead and order the XL frozen hot chocolate. $4.00 well spent.

Had a bad week. Was getting worried since I felt so down and out, not to mention fatigued/drained. What was getting me the most down was even just the thought of doing all the household chores - laundry, cleaning, cooking. shopping, taking the garbage/recycling out. Didn't have it in me to do any of this stuff - virtually no energy. Also, feel some testiness which means general annoyance at stupid people, e.g. semitruck drivers who don't wait in line like the rest of us for 15 minutes in construction zones and just cut in.

I do get depressed at having to do everything on my own and living alone. It seems so endless and I'm so tired from the previous years of doing everything. It is a big fat myth that adversity makes one stronger. In my opinion, it just makes you more depleted with less hope and energy. The exact opposite of what people always perkily quip.

Tonight I was ready to make two dinners with sale ingredients from the store, but then I couldn't find the cookbook I needed to use. I was so dispirited after this. Not being able to find things is pretty much a daily occurrence in my home. I would say that it stems from a combination of not enough time to stay on top of clutter as an only parent always running around after teen boys and trying to maintain a household without another parental unit for support or teamwork.

So I decided to stop fretting about the cookbook - I mean where can a cookbook go if it is not on the bookshelf, or floor (looked under all furniture and the bed) and in the kitchen and even went out to the cars, but how or why it would have ended up there didn't seem likely. I decided to whip up a huge batch of French Toast to use up some eggs. But then I couldn't find the vanilla extract when I'm sure there was a full bottle around just the other day. Where would a bottle of vanilla go if it isn't in the cabinets or with the spices? Maybe I am really out of it and just don't remeber using it all? That's another side effect of always having to stay on top of life by your lonesome - sometimes you do lose it, you just can't help it, the cards come tumbling down.

I try to keep the stress of my life as a long-term only parent out of the equation of my moods but find that sometimes I can't. Why should I put on my happy face all the time? "It is what it is," everyone always says. Combine life with PMS and it can feel pretty insurmountable.

Heroic Widowed Only Parent Mom

Last week began with my oldest, E., calling me hysterically from the automatic banking machine. He had deposited his cash tips totaling $140.00 and didn't receive a receipt. 18 years old. I've been told by some that I should and even could declare myself more "free" from him. That legally I am no longer even responsible for him. Are you kidding? Maybe 18-year-old males need parental input and support more than ever. I will never desert my sons. My childhood involved my siblings and I to be virtually self-sufficient. And I didn't have children to carry on that legacy. Yes, I need to guide my sons to be responsible and independent adults. But that doesn't mean shooing them out on their own upon their 18th birthdays.

My son ended up calling the bank's "Help" number. I didn't know what else to tell him. He was upset that it was outsourced and had difficulty understanding the woman he spoke with. It was not the time to tell him that I do not use these kinds of machines after hours for just the reason my son experienced. But he was assured that his deposit was credited.

Later in the week, I had the surreal experience of getting E. to two locations at the same time - his first volleyball match, which he was very pumped about since he is head team captain, and yet another band concert. Both locations were 30 minutes apart from one another. Said heroics involved a migraine (mine), negotiations with the vb coach and band director, my son changing into a tux in the van, and running down the halls of the high school to get his instrument from the band room and then to reach the stage. I will leave it at that and forgo more details.

This weekend, I had a 12:15 a.m. run to the all night pharmacy for some medication for my youngest, A. And so it goes.

I am tired and depleted. No one to share the responsibilities with or the logistics of how to figure all this stuff out. Sometimes the difficulties cancel out all the joys of parenthood. When I sink under the covers no one pats my shoulder and says, "Job well done, Mom."

I bring this all up now because I feel I haven't taken care of my own needs. The boys have always come first as it should be. But my relationships have always seemed lopsided, uneven. How can dating or seeing someone ever be fair and equal when my life is so intense and busy? The men in my life haven't had full time parenting responsibilities and have not understood the pressures always on my plate. I end up getting resentful and upset because it isn't even. Sometimes it has felt as though I have to do most of the work in my home along with my personal life.

Is there a solution to this? What do other only parents do when dating when they end up feeling like this?

I have decided to direct the focus onto myself this Spring a little more than I have in the past. I need to tend to my own home and affairs. That is just the way it is and has become. I still have never finished organizing our living environment or my finances and paperwork. It is Spring Break and the boys have promised to help me in this process. I will be more demanding of them.

One of my divorced girlfriends leaves her two kids, the ages of my sons, to fend for themselves over the weekends as she is with her boyfriend, out dancing, going for a drink, etc. I don't approve. She, I suppose is disapproving of my not getting out much socially. We represent two ends of the spectrum. Maybe it is impossible for only/single parents to lead balanced lives. It will just end up being lopsided, falling more on one side than the other. Parents constantly bemoan the fact that there aren't enough hours in the days. For only parents, there truly aren't. Nor is there enough steam in the engine to sometimes accomplish what needs to get done in the most productive manner.

A Widow's Work is Never Done

My oldest son had a band concert last night. He rushed home from football practice, I made sure his uniform was clean, complete and in good repair, prepared a light meal for him and arranged to get him back to school an hour before the concert started. I told him that I wanted to drive together to save gas. He felt sorry for me having to wait the hour before the concert but I told him I'd use the time to knit, which would be a treat for me.

Turns out though, that in the mad rush to get my son taken care of, I couldn't locate the skein of yarn needed for my project and left with a book and picture search magazine instead. I was disappointed. My life always feels this way. Rushing to and fro and just never quite getting it all together.

Once at the school, I spent some of the free time going to my son's locker to see the spirit posters that have been put up by the pep club during the football season. I walked around the hallways a bit and observed some of the photos they have up of my son - a band picture, one of him at a pep rally surrounded by cheerleaders and when he was the first junior last year in 10 years to be crowned Mr. "High School."

What 's funny is as soon as I entered the auditorium and sat down, my eyes immediately fell on two women in front of me happily knitting away. I also noticed that they were seated next to hubbies, so they probably had time to locate their knitting projects before rushing out the door to attend the concert! But yes, I felt a tinge of envy as I watched their needles clicking away and longed for my own needles in my hands!

I enjoyed the concert very much and wasn't as upset about attending alone as I usually am. This is my son's senior year and I'm trying to focus on that and supporting him as best and fully as I can. I was so proud of him up on stage, so handsome in his tux and as the section leader. Although it has been a trying challenge for me to keep living here, the benefits my son has received from football, band and even being crowned the king of the school last year have been worth it.

Tonight was the football team's first playoff game. It was supposed to only be in the 30s and I did not want to sit alone in the bleachers so I drove over to the parking lot early to snag a spot facing the field so I could watch the game from the car. It got cold by 4th quarter even in the car but was much better than being outside.

I solved the knitting situation too. For a few weeks now my son has been reminding me that his girlfriend asked me to make her a fall scarf. Last Christmas I made her a number of scarves, mittens and a ski band. I almost laughed at my son when he told me his girlfriend wanted a scarf for fall. Me knit her a scarf? When, with what free time? Tonight sitting in the car during the game I got through over half of one for her so fit in my knitting fix. But it is so nice I want one for me too - she specifically requested one with a slit so she can tuck the ends in around her neck. I'm going to sign off now so I can try and finish it for her so she can get it tomorrow.

The team won the game so they move on in the playoffs and there is a pancake breakfast at the school we need to attend tomorrow morning. A busy week. I need to remind myself that it is just me holding down the fort and getting these kids to these events, as well as attending them. I am herewith making a request right now (putting my order in early) for the Heaven that consists of living in a combined knitting and book store attached to a tea cafe, so I'll never be without a book or project and cup of tea when I reach the hereafter - to kind of make up for the disheveled life I currently lead here on earth!

Muffins & Continued Rage

Both boys are out tonight, each with their group of friends. So here I am in the same situation (alone & sad). Moving to a new place did not change this aspect of my life. I went to Walmart to buy a microwave as ours conked off right before the move. The cheapest one there was $50.00 so I headed over to Target to see if I could do better. They had one for $41.99 on clearance. It was originally a $65.00 model so the better deal. I spent a little time wandering the store and felt furious at all the intact families I saw shopping and the moms and daughters together. I started to think of mean things to say to some of these people (pretty out of character). For instance, to a woman with hair down to her bottom I wanted to say, "Cut your hair, it is too long." To smokers I saw, I wanted to say, "Your habit is disgusting and you need to quit!" Just that sort of thing. Of course I am jealous and envious of those who are not alone. I know my boys would not be out shopping with me at their ages but if I were married I'd be with my husband and not alone. I saw a number of middle-aged husband and wife duos out together. I didn't see any depressed woman or men on their own but maybe I didn't notice them because I was too focused on seeing the lucky people not by themselves.

I have been out shopping so infrequently except the grocery store for over a year. I went a little crazy in the Taget Superstore Bakery - bakery stuff is a weakness for me, especially muffins. I picked up pumpkin, apple, cinnamon, double chocolate chip and carrot. Then I got some cinnamon/pecan rolls, chocolate croissants and mini cupcakes. I'll pop them all into the freezer and the three of us can select one each evening and take it out to defrost overnight the next couple of weeks. It will be a fall treat for us.

So I'd rather spend a little bit of extra money on food than anything else right now although I do covet a Celine Dion CD. In the past year I have only purchased one clothing item for myself - a lime green linen top (dress up) that was on sale at Carson's for $11.00. When I bought it I felt guilty and am still considering returning it.

I have those awful feelings of just wanting the world to stop or slow down for me so I can finish unpacking and putting this new place in order. While it remains messy and disorganized I find myself plunging deeper and deeper into dismay. Exactly how I felt in the early months of grief after my husband's death and then when my second husband filed for divorce. But what I have certainly learned is that the world doesn't give us a break and tomorrow I'll have to go to work and put on my game face. When I am upset like this I become more anxious about the boys whom I can't supervise because I am at work. I have reached the point where the anxiety and worry is not worth the few hundred dollars I am making. I am about ready to quit because I have to have some control over my life, even if it is simply that I am nearby and available to my boys.

Writing all this has destressed me and I am no longer in a snippy, sniping mode thinking mean thoughts about people I know and don't know. I will eat a cupcake and that will make my life and world just a teensey bit better.

Precious Possessions

I try to read an inspirational book every night before I go to bed. Currently I'm reading Alexandra Stoddard's "Time Alive, Celebrate Your Life Everyday." It is perfect reading for night because each chapter is a short essay reflecting on living a balanced, happy life. So even if I am tired I can manage to read a few pages and gain her wisdom/perspective. She is also the author of "Choosing Happiness," another gem.

In her chapter about our homes, Alexandra writes about some of her most sacred possessions. She lists her love letters, photographs of friends and family, gifts/objects from friends and family, scrapbooks, journals, unpublished manuscripts, her collection of well-read books and a gold pin that belonged to her best friend who died at age 44.

After I read this I decided to consider what my most sacred possessions are:

- photos/videos of family
- all art and schoolwork from when the boys were young
- gifts and cards my boys gave me
- craft projects the boys made that I display all over the house
- my decorative birdhouse collection
- old journals
- all my knitting books and patterns
- my mom's blue antique hobnail cup
- my vintage sampler collection

None of these things has any great monetary value but they are priceless to me. As I de-clutter out from years of accumulated "junk" in my home, I want to focus on all that is meaningful to me. Whether we remain living in this home or move elsewhere, I want to bring more of what is sacred into my life. As soon as I am able to have some free time to myself I will make it a priority to organize my photos into albums and put the boys' artwork and special school papers from when they were younger into scrapbooks. I will frame more of their artwork and put it on the walls; I will put the photo albums out where they can be looked at regularly.

I still have a lot on my plate right now to complete with the home (and then tackle the weeding/gardening outside). But I'll keep this goal in the back of my mind as incentive to keep plugging away with the hard part of the housework. It will be joyful to get to a point in my life where I can surround myself with what is most precious to me after having gotten rid of the stifling, less important stuff! I have read that to move forward, we need to sometimes get rid of all the clutter/stuff that is weighing us down. That getting rid of old items frees the space to let wonderful, new things in. What a posivie and hopeful concept!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the new day.
2. For the perspective I gain from others.
3. That we are all adjusting to my working and the boys are handling thisngs well with their summer schedules.
4. That we are healthy, knock on wood.
5. For my sacred possessions.

Clean Sweep

A few years ago, I watched a British television series called "Clean Sweep" about organizing your home and de-cluttering. A team went into people's homes and pretty much cleared out the excess which was put into this machine called "the Crusher!" There was always a garage sale (in Britain they call them car boot sales) too. I really didn't like the show for a couple of reasons. I remember one episode where the team made a poor guy clear out his beloved childhood collection of Beatrix Potter figures. The guy was allowed to keep a few of his figures and was just crying. For Pete's sake, I thought, let him have his collection which was nicely displayed in a cabinet!

Then I remember an episode where an older middle-aged woman had lost her husband five years before. She had a boyfriend and they were living together or moving in together or something like that. The team just blasted this poor woman for not having cleaned up the clutter in her life (including all that remained from her deceased husband). I remember the woman gave the explanation that life had just moved on too quickly after her husband died and she hadn't been able to keep up. I think my husband had been dead a few years and I totally understood this woman's predicament. Too bad the Clean Sweep crew wasn't more sympathetic or understanding.

I feel very much this woman now as I go through the house and try to move on. It is going on six years since the death of my husband and so much happened that got in the way after his death as fate would have it (aging parents, a sick child, work, remarriage, divorce, my Mom dying, solo parenting...). Just as this woman in the Clean Sweep series, life kind of overtook me. For the longest while, one of the spare bedrooms downstairs couldn't be used because during my husband's three-year illness, whenever I didn't have a place for something I just threw it in there. That continued after his death too. I would stand at the door and throw whatever I didn't want to deal with in the room! I am totally serious about this, although I am laughing as I now write. Looking back it is so sad and funny - I am sure the Clean Sweep crew would have had a hey day about that one.

It is very hot and humid today and I've concentrated on getting rid of clothes in the spare closet so I can work upstairs in the air conditioning. It is hard for me to get rid of stuff in the first place and I struggle weeding out things now, especially anything that brings back a memory of my deceased husband. Today though I have the rule going on that I have to get rid of ANY clothing item with a drawstring waist. Why I even have a fair number of clothes with drawstring waist bands is troubling to me because they are not too flattering. But I guess they date back to the days of my husband's illness when I was so busy caring for him and the kids that I didn't have time to shop for myself and would just grab stuff off the racks without even trying them on. It strikes me as very appropriate and timely to pass those items on to the Goodwill donation center - they're from a painful part of my life and should be swept out!

Today I am grateful:

1. That hot weather naturally induces my desire to eat better and less, so I'm thinner in summer.
2. That the spare bedroom I talked about has been long cleared out and my oldest uses it as a music room for his drum set.
3. That even though it is hot and sticky at least it is not cold and snowing.
4. That I have a job and it has helped me get acclimated to the work force after time off.
5. For light body spray fragrances you can spritz on all day to cool off and freshen up.

Disorganization

Today I took my oldest for his driver's license which he has waited nine months to get - but no one informed me that he'd need to show his social security card and we couldn't find it. So we spent the day waiting at the social security office to apply for a duplicate, as well as some time at State Farm finding out what my car insurance rate will increase to with adding my son as a driver (an increase of $80.00 monthly). We also spent some time going over my life insurance coverage for the boys because I want to add coverage for them so they will have money to cash in/borrow against in 15 years. My folks were unable to give me any kind of monetary assistance over the years and with all that has happened financially I want to provide something for the boys in the future.

It was a long and drawn out day. My son was upset that he has to wait for his license and I am worried about the increased financial pressure. I also thought a lot about my disorganized lifestyle which resulted in not finding the social security card in the first place. Over the past five years there hasn't been much time or priority given to organizing my house and affairs. I've made much progress over the past months, especially with all of the financial stuff but certain records and documents have fallen through the cracks, such as my son's social security card.

It seems as if every day there is another reminder of the difficulties of widowhood, for me at least. It would just be nice to have a day run smoothly for a change and to not have our problems become even harder to work out. Having to run to the social security office when you're already so pressed for time is one task I could easily cut from my list.

But in the end, I guess what is important to focus on is what was accomplished. The replacement card will come within two weeks and it buys me another 14 days to not have to pay that extra car insurance!

Today I am grateful:

1. For being able to sleep and recharge enough to face another day.
2. For food.
3. For air.
4. For not freaking out about the missing social security card and hopefully modeling for my son that sometimes you have to wait for things.
5. For the green leaves in the trees and the still blooming Spring flowers.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I have decided to devote the next month to "healing." My personalized plan will involve trying to get through all the excess "stuff" in my house. Right now I feel so buried under. I think/hope that if I can clear some of the old stuff out, it will improve my outlook and help me move forward. The last few years have been so busy I haven't had the time or opportunity to clear out all the old clothing, books and toys that have accumulated. Then, on top of that, there is still some sorting to do of my deceased husband's possessions. As well as boxes and bags remaining from my parent's home. This is all bad enough but yesterday I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's home and these need to be organized and put away too. Quite a job ahead of me! But I am bound and determined to get this done once and for all!

This is the first time I have really felt up to the challenge. I so want to clear out all the old so what remains is what is useful and functional for our current life. This plan is making me feel motivated and in control. Every little bit will help - anything that I can move out of here will free some of the stagnant air that is smothering us. I am on my way out to donate today's load to Goodwill - 14 pairs of my old pants that are too big for me; 2 pairs of capri pants (too big); 2 skirts (too big) and a very nice black raincoat (since my husband died I refuse to wear black - I don't even carry a black purse anymore). And a pair of boy's novelty Homer Simpson slippers. My goal is to try and take at least a bag of stuff over to the Goodwill every day. We'll see how I do.

The other part of my healing plan is to knit as much as possible. Knitting is supposedly as therapeutic as meditation and at this point I don't have much time to devote to just sitting still. But I can knit and watch t.v. at the same time. Author Laurie Perry describes in her book, "Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair - The True-Life Misadventures of a 30-Something Who Learned to Knit After He Split," how focusing both on cleaning and knitting help her transition through her divorce.

Some things are just not going to get done

At dinner out with my girlfriend on Friday night, I told her about my youngest son being very upset with me for missing the information needed for him to sign up and work as an umpire this summer for our park district youth baseball program. The fact of the matter was that by the time I had opened the information sheet outlining the requirements, we had already missed some of the necessary training sessions. He would therefore, not be able to meet the required three sessions. At that point, I discarded the idea of his umping and figured if we are still in the area next summer, he can do so then.

One of the problems I've had as a widowed mom has been the inability to keep up with the mail on a timely basis, as well as a severe lack in time to keep organized and up-to-date. I will admit that I have paid bills late because I have forgotten them or lost them. My case is more of an exception than the rule because after my husband's death I was thrown into having to care for my sick son and then sick parents. I just couldn't keep on top of everything - it was hard enough just trying to manage and forge my way as a widowed mom. Caring for my sick parents especially and then having to clean out their home pulled me under. A lot of the contents of their home ended up in mine because there was not time enough to go through it - we were only given two weeks because of a fluke in the closing. As a result, for almost a year, boxes were stacked up to the ceiling in my downstairs hallway. It is only now with the prospect of having to sell my home that I have undertaken the hard task of going through and throwing out their belongings. I don't think I could have even done it right after my Mom's death. I needed time to heal so I could have the ability to toss things out.

This morning I have been at it and the breezeway is almost empty of all the boxes, bags and baskets that were there when I emptied one of my two storage sheds. The progress is slower than I'd hoped or anticipated, probably because as a widowed mom I only have so much time and can't rely on a partner for moral support or physical assistance. My goal is to have the breezeway totally clean by this week.

But back to the baseball umping. My girlfriend wisely commented that in our lives (she's divorced) we just have to accept that some things are not going to get done. And in this case, that means that I opened up the Park Dist. mailer late (because it didn't look urgent) and as a result my son won't be umping this summer. Perhaps a blessing in disguise, because who would have to be driving him to and fro all across town if he was?

Today I am grateful:

1. For the wisdom and life experience of friends.
2. For my ability to face the ghosts of my parents and my childhood in going through their personal effects - better late than never.
3. For the courage to do things my way, even when others criticized me for not just tossing out all my parent's things sight unseen. I had to accomplish it on my terms.