I continue to reflect on the fact that I have been comparing myself and my life to that of others, who have it seemingly better. I read that we tend to do this when our lives are in the pits and I would agree with that - when times are especially challenging and hope is at a minimum, fear rampant. I've tried to take all the recent comments received and think on them with positive intent. But I continue to believe that life situations, problems and so on can be rated. I guess I am curious as to why when we live in a society that consantly "rates" events and things, that it is somehow so awful to compare yourself with others who have led less complicated and sorrowful lives. We rate and classify our driving insurance premiums, our weight, our blood pressure, heath, credit ratings, grades in school, academic as well as sporting ability, and looks., etc. Many of these "ratings" are beyond our control. So are some of the things that happen to us and befall our lives like the big "D."
And there are differences in situations and levels of grief. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to admit this. It is an observation, not a contest. An observation that yes, we look at the death of someone who dies at age 90 having lived a very full life differently from that of a person of 25 who dies. Death is crummy either way but I feel safe to say that it is significantly more sad for the 25 year old and their family.
Many of you wrote that comparisons serve no real purpose. In thinking about that I would say that one of the purposes they do serve is to hurt the person making the comparisons. The flash of envy I feel for the baseball mom pulling up in her Lexus doesn't pain her, but it does send a stab of hurt into me. I have determined that maybe some of the reasons I constantly set out my list of woes is to reassure myself that it isn't and hasn't been all my fault. My comparisons are in a lopsided way a kind of last ditch effort to make myself feel less to blame for what I've had to experience if that makes any sense. It makes me feel less of a failure and that I am a "bad" person deserving of having a husband who died and another who cruelly left me. Maybe pointing my finger at someone more fortunate serves some sort of survival purpose for me because I do believe that we engage in behaviors that at their core serve some value even if it may not seem that way to others.
Anger, resentment, frustration and even rage are all normal reactions to life stressors and grief. My problem is that I currently lack the skills to transfer those powerful emotions into something more constructive and healing. I can't just snap my fingers and stop feeling envy. I can be conscious of it when I feel that way and try to divert my focus elsewhere when it happens but it just doesn't happen immediately. The grief self-help books out there all acknowledge the reality of our emotions but I have not found any with step-by-step suggestions on how to "work on" these issues when they loom up out of control. And in this case, are my feelings really that abhorrent or deviant when the entire situation is taken into consideration? For a rough period of time when finances were stretched to the limit and I was in the constant company of the "Baseball Moms," I indulged in some comparisons and self-pity. I didn't neglect my sons, I was out there cheering the team and doing my best to stumble forward. I didn't yell at anyone or emit insults. I quitely obeserved, obsessed and was sad. Now the tide will slowly turn and I'll try to grapple with this issue to be able to more constructively move on.
What is ending up bothering me the most now that all the dust is settling, is that those of us truly suffering with a huge amount on our plates of bad stuff, are supposed to be somehow more virtuous than others. I'm supposed to act and feel normally and not make any waves. I'm supposed to be able to rise above the pettiness and jealousy accepted as a matter of course in other people's behavior.
One of the reason I continue these reflections is to give a voice to those out there suffering beyond the initial loss of a death - those struggling with other conflicts and hardships - multiple layers of grief and loss that stretch out the traditional mourning period for many years. That is a factor in all of this. Years of grief is wearying and tiresome. Strength and hope become buried and lost. To be grieving and hit with another bombshell and then another ends up with its own set of consequences. Bereavement becomes a bit more complicated, drawn out and frustrating. Especially when life keeps plunging downward instead of improving.
The Rabbi Pesach Krauss advises in "Why Me? Coping With Grief, Loss And Change" that it is futile to tell people what they're doing wrong when they are in the midst of feeling grief and despair. They will not be able to accept or process any advice. The key is to provide sympathy such as "I hear your frustration and upset in regard to the unfairness of life. And I know you are dealing with these painful feelings in an effort to get through and beyond them." He also believes that there are those of us who will reach for the light and those of us who will get buried in our bitterness, pain and hurt. I admire the great many of you who are valiantly moving toward and living in the light. The jury is still out on which direction I'm going to end up.
Showing posts with label complicated bereavement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label complicated bereavement. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Upheaval
This is an extension to my earlier post. Just the other day I was reading a novel (Big Stone Gap by Adriana Trigiani) in which the main character faces the death of her mom and moving from her home. The author mentioned how these two events are at the top of life stressors. Reading this was interesting to me because I had been contemplating this very issue. I will use the example of the annoying baseball mom and the hypothetical issue of her caring for her parents. In real life her dad attends all the games and both parents are spry and chipper. But for the sake of an example I'll alter the situation so she is caring for elderly, sick, feeble-minded parents.
On its face, of course this is a difficult and trying situation. Many of us baby boomers are involved in this aspect of life. But it is generally easier (physically and emotionally) for a married woman to be involved in this task compared to a widowed mom with young kids as I was when I was involved with caregiving. So it is not the sad aspect of the situation that is different (caring for aging parents) but rather the circumstances surrounding that situation.
When I look at other people's lives what hits me is not that they don't have to face problems or grief, but rather that they haven't had to deal with so much upheaval in their lives. Perhaps that is where the difference lies. And it ends up having nothing to do with problems or grief but rather the upheavals surrounding difficulty.
The upheaval surrouding the death of a spouse and being left with children to raise alone affects so many aspects and areas of one's life, I don't have a short and sweet way to describe it. You are thrown into a tailspin, left reeling, spinning and dizzy, yet expected to get up, dust yourself off and bravely march forward. That is upheaval. Moving from a large home and into an apartment, selling a home to avoid foreclosure, packing and sorting and tossing all by oneself with no one to lean on is upheaval. Example baseball mom didn't lose a spouse and spend the next set of years raising kids alone. Nor was she forced to leave her home.
Yes, she experienced the normal range of daily annoyances we all do but she had the support of her husband next to her. So in the end it is easier for her to cope, deal with and face the issue of her aging parents. She has more energy and resolve because there has been less upheaval in her life.
The definition of upheaval is great agitation and change. When I look around me at the other women in my community, I don't see any who have moved or had to cope with the death of their spouse. Those are events of such magnitude, agitation and change. I think that is where my frustration has been lying. That the seesaw is so tilted in regard to the amount of upheaval the boys and I have had to face vs. less upheaval of others.
There is reason to be concerned. Some days I am so worried about finances and how the boys are going to get through college I believe I am at risk for cancer and/or a heart attack. It is widely believed that people with less emotional support in their lives face greater stress and greater health problems. Married folks (even those with problems and what marriage is perfect) have better health than those who are unmarried and desire to be so. I feel all of this when I'm with the moms and parents of my community.
There are various stress tests out there (even Dr. Phil had one in one of his books) that rate life events. If some of us have experienced far more of those events in our lives, of course our lives, perspectives and feelings are going to be different than those who have not. How can the bridge of understanding be crossed to give acknowledgment to those differences? Why is it such a bad thing for someone to say, "Gee, she's had to face a heck of a lot" instead of trying to always have an even playing score. Life isn't fair. People's experiences aren't either. What's the purpose of those life stressor tests anyway when all is said and done in the end?
I want to get past the feelings of unfairness and betrayal I feel when I compare my life to that of others. But it isn't easy for me to dismiss - perhaps because I am still struggling and life is so hard. Maybe these feelings will only dissipate when my life improves a bit and I start to regain some of the footing I've lost. Maybe when you're still caught up in the struggle it is too hard to be able to stand back and have a more alturistic nature.
There is a difference between a grief event/experience and then the upheaval that comes afterward. They are not one and the same. Maybe this all has nothing to do with grief but rather surviving upheaval, hardships and change that have wrecked havoc on my life the past seven years.
On its face, of course this is a difficult and trying situation. Many of us baby boomers are involved in this aspect of life. But it is generally easier (physically and emotionally) for a married woman to be involved in this task compared to a widowed mom with young kids as I was when I was involved with caregiving. So it is not the sad aspect of the situation that is different (caring for aging parents) but rather the circumstances surrounding that situation.
When I look at other people's lives what hits me is not that they don't have to face problems or grief, but rather that they haven't had to deal with so much upheaval in their lives. Perhaps that is where the difference lies. And it ends up having nothing to do with problems or grief but rather the upheavals surrounding difficulty.
The upheaval surrouding the death of a spouse and being left with children to raise alone affects so many aspects and areas of one's life, I don't have a short and sweet way to describe it. You are thrown into a tailspin, left reeling, spinning and dizzy, yet expected to get up, dust yourself off and bravely march forward. That is upheaval. Moving from a large home and into an apartment, selling a home to avoid foreclosure, packing and sorting and tossing all by oneself with no one to lean on is upheaval. Example baseball mom didn't lose a spouse and spend the next set of years raising kids alone. Nor was she forced to leave her home.
Yes, she experienced the normal range of daily annoyances we all do but she had the support of her husband next to her. So in the end it is easier for her to cope, deal with and face the issue of her aging parents. She has more energy and resolve because there has been less upheaval in her life.
The definition of upheaval is great agitation and change. When I look around me at the other women in my community, I don't see any who have moved or had to cope with the death of their spouse. Those are events of such magnitude, agitation and change. I think that is where my frustration has been lying. That the seesaw is so tilted in regard to the amount of upheaval the boys and I have had to face vs. less upheaval of others.
There is reason to be concerned. Some days I am so worried about finances and how the boys are going to get through college I believe I am at risk for cancer and/or a heart attack. It is widely believed that people with less emotional support in their lives face greater stress and greater health problems. Married folks (even those with problems and what marriage is perfect) have better health than those who are unmarried and desire to be so. I feel all of this when I'm with the moms and parents of my community.
There are various stress tests out there (even Dr. Phil had one in one of his books) that rate life events. If some of us have experienced far more of those events in our lives, of course our lives, perspectives and feelings are going to be different than those who have not. How can the bridge of understanding be crossed to give acknowledgment to those differences? Why is it such a bad thing for someone to say, "Gee, she's had to face a heck of a lot" instead of trying to always have an even playing score. Life isn't fair. People's experiences aren't either. What's the purpose of those life stressor tests anyway when all is said and done in the end?
I want to get past the feelings of unfairness and betrayal I feel when I compare my life to that of others. But it isn't easy for me to dismiss - perhaps because I am still struggling and life is so hard. Maybe these feelings will only dissipate when my life improves a bit and I start to regain some of the footing I've lost. Maybe when you're still caught up in the struggle it is too hard to be able to stand back and have a more alturistic nature.
There is a difference between a grief event/experience and then the upheaval that comes afterward. They are not one and the same. Maybe this all has nothing to do with grief but rather surviving upheaval, hardships and change that have wrecked havoc on my life the past seven years.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Teaching the Untouched
I saw the promo ads for the new series "Losing it With Jillian," a knock off of "The Biggest Loser." I've never watched The Biggest Loser but the ads for the new show caught my attention. Jillian goes to the homes of overweight families and moves in with them for a week. She helps them "restore" their unbalanced lives with healthy meals and menu planning, exercise and so on. In the ads, there appeared to be a family coping with the loss of the dad/husband. So I made a note of when the show started.
Tuesday's show did not depict this family but I was still glad I caught the episode. This was a working class family from the East, around Boston I believe. The daughter and dad had already gone through gastric bypass surgery with the daughter successfully keeping the weight off but not so for the dad. The mom was also overweight and the son interested in shaping up, although not as overweight as his parents. The daughter was getting married and the family all made 6-week goals for the wedding.
Having never seen The Biggest Loser, I wasn't prepared for the drill-like, boot camp tactics of Jillian. But even more surprising was the big family secret that came out in the hour. I was really impressed with this family and just fell in love with them because of the great family love and loyalty they shared with one another. It turns out that the first child born of this couple, a son, died only a month after birth. This became a taboo topic between the family but it was clear how the events of some 22 prior years had been literally destroying them.
The unresolved and unspoken grief that persisted over the years was evident and could be detected in the relationships the family members shared with one another as well as their overall family dynamic. There was some initial healing with the simple acknowledgment of the underlying pain. The family went on to make great strides in their overall fitness plans with the dad losing almost 50 pounds and the mom 30 within that short 6-week period. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and a fitting beginning for a new life for all of these truly lovely and courageous individuals.
I am curious what will be exposed on Tuesday's upcoming episode with the widowed mom. It appears that she is holding on to old belongings which I also struggle with (two storage sheds of my husband's and parent's old belongings). I am hoping to be inspired to break with the past and move onward into the future.
But more importantly, I hope one of the benefits of airing last week's show was that it helped those unaffected by grief to gain a little glimpse into the havoc and pain resulting from losses, even years following their occurrence. This family was very brave and did far more than become healthier themselves - they helped educate, they faced their albatross and hopefully inspired others to do the same, and they promoted sympathy toward those stuck by grief. The ramifications of their strength and courage pour out into the Universe.
Tuesday's show did not depict this family but I was still glad I caught the episode. This was a working class family from the East, around Boston I believe. The daughter and dad had already gone through gastric bypass surgery with the daughter successfully keeping the weight off but not so for the dad. The mom was also overweight and the son interested in shaping up, although not as overweight as his parents. The daughter was getting married and the family all made 6-week goals for the wedding.
Having never seen The Biggest Loser, I wasn't prepared for the drill-like, boot camp tactics of Jillian. But even more surprising was the big family secret that came out in the hour. I was really impressed with this family and just fell in love with them because of the great family love and loyalty they shared with one another. It turns out that the first child born of this couple, a son, died only a month after birth. This became a taboo topic between the family but it was clear how the events of some 22 prior years had been literally destroying them.
The unresolved and unspoken grief that persisted over the years was evident and could be detected in the relationships the family members shared with one another as well as their overall family dynamic. There was some initial healing with the simple acknowledgment of the underlying pain. The family went on to make great strides in their overall fitness plans with the dad losing almost 50 pounds and the mom 30 within that short 6-week period. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and a fitting beginning for a new life for all of these truly lovely and courageous individuals.
I am curious what will be exposed on Tuesday's upcoming episode with the widowed mom. It appears that she is holding on to old belongings which I also struggle with (two storage sheds of my husband's and parent's old belongings). I am hoping to be inspired to break with the past and move onward into the future.
But more importantly, I hope one of the benefits of airing last week's show was that it helped those unaffected by grief to gain a little glimpse into the havoc and pain resulting from losses, even years following their occurrence. This family was very brave and did far more than become healthier themselves - they helped educate, they faced their albatross and hopefully inspired others to do the same, and they promoted sympathy toward those stuck by grief. The ramifications of their strength and courage pour out into the Universe.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Purguing Out the Old
This afternoon I got rid of some heavy pieces of furniture in one of two of the storage sheds. Tomorrow the smaller shed will be cleared out and I'll be saving almost $200.00 monthly that can go toward clothing and items for the boys.
I'm feeling bittersweet about the clean-out. I called a local resale shop to inquire if they'd come to the shed to pick up the items and they did. I am grateful because without a strong guy/husband around it is hard for me to lift and move big, bulky objects. And there is just no room in the apartment for all the furniture I used to have in my home.
They took the large pine chest of drawers with mirror that used to be in my master bedroom. Then the headboard for the bed I spent months choosing when I first got married. It was between an all-white cottage bedroom or a more rustic, cabin-lodge feel room. I ended up choosing the later and the headboard was made out of actual logs. The woman from the resale shop really liked it. But it pulled at my heartstrings a little to let it go. A memory of the life I once shared with my husband when my family and I were intact in our nice, spacious, five-bedroom cabin-like home. When I got remarried I purchased a new bed, in fact, an inexpensive bedroom set to celebrate my new life and new beginnings. I'd hoped to use the log headboard at a second home if we got a little cabin on a lake in our retirement...
Also going - the boys' youth firetruck beds. Adorable beds in the shape of firetrucks and actually pretty realistic. I asked the boys if they wanted to keep them for the future but they weren't interested. They're awfully cute and I hope some lucky little boys will enjoy them in the future.
The nice lady from the resale shop walked around my shed and picked at the remaining items. She said she'd take anything there and got some birdhouses and seasonal wreaths. I told her I'd bring over my old Halloween and Christmas outdoor decorations over the summer. It was good to know that I did have some nice furniture and decorations. I'm trying to psyche myself up that it is better to pass these things on where they'll be put to use now and enjoyed vs. being hidden away in a mice-infested storage shed.
I regret giving away my nice green glass-fronted kitchen cabinet - it was so cute. But again, there is no room for it in the apartment and I can't just keep storing everything away for the future, whenever and wherever that may be.
I'm telling myself that releasing these items allows new items (maybe even better) to enter my life. It will be best to purchase a new bed when I start living at a new place and hopefully when I start sleeping on a regular basis with a partner again! I can always get a new curio cabinet to display my pretties and it will be fun to search for a different style that may fit better in a new home. As for the firetruck beds, maybe my sons will end up only having daughters who'll only want princess theme bedrooms!
Part of what I reflected on this afternoon was how hard it has been to lose my home (and possessions) after the death of my husband. His death involved the huge loss of my emotional and financial stability. The home then represented the very foundation of my life - all the safety and security from the ground up. Losing both has rocked my world literally from top to bottom, inside and out.
I'm feeling bittersweet about the clean-out. I called a local resale shop to inquire if they'd come to the shed to pick up the items and they did. I am grateful because without a strong guy/husband around it is hard for me to lift and move big, bulky objects. And there is just no room in the apartment for all the furniture I used to have in my home.
They took the large pine chest of drawers with mirror that used to be in my master bedroom. Then the headboard for the bed I spent months choosing when I first got married. It was between an all-white cottage bedroom or a more rustic, cabin-lodge feel room. I ended up choosing the later and the headboard was made out of actual logs. The woman from the resale shop really liked it. But it pulled at my heartstrings a little to let it go. A memory of the life I once shared with my husband when my family and I were intact in our nice, spacious, five-bedroom cabin-like home. When I got remarried I purchased a new bed, in fact, an inexpensive bedroom set to celebrate my new life and new beginnings. I'd hoped to use the log headboard at a second home if we got a little cabin on a lake in our retirement...
Also going - the boys' youth firetruck beds. Adorable beds in the shape of firetrucks and actually pretty realistic. I asked the boys if they wanted to keep them for the future but they weren't interested. They're awfully cute and I hope some lucky little boys will enjoy them in the future.
The nice lady from the resale shop walked around my shed and picked at the remaining items. She said she'd take anything there and got some birdhouses and seasonal wreaths. I told her I'd bring over my old Halloween and Christmas outdoor decorations over the summer. It was good to know that I did have some nice furniture and decorations. I'm trying to psyche myself up that it is better to pass these things on where they'll be put to use now and enjoyed vs. being hidden away in a mice-infested storage shed.
I regret giving away my nice green glass-fronted kitchen cabinet - it was so cute. But again, there is no room for it in the apartment and I can't just keep storing everything away for the future, whenever and wherever that may be.
I'm telling myself that releasing these items allows new items (maybe even better) to enter my life. It will be best to purchase a new bed when I start living at a new place and hopefully when I start sleeping on a regular basis with a partner again! I can always get a new curio cabinet to display my pretties and it will be fun to search for a different style that may fit better in a new home. As for the firetruck beds, maybe my sons will end up only having daughters who'll only want princess theme bedrooms!
Part of what I reflected on this afternoon was how hard it has been to lose my home (and possessions) after the death of my husband. His death involved the huge loss of my emotional and financial stability. The home then represented the very foundation of my life - all the safety and security from the ground up. Losing both has rocked my world literally from top to bottom, inside and out.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Grief Combined With Life Stress
I had a light bulb moment, which has resulted in giving me a great deal of peace of mind. It was prompted by my reading an editorial about Sandra Bullock's current situation. The author, praised Sandra's strength and resolve and added that most other people would have collapsed under the pressure. Collapsed under the pressure? What does that mean? I wish I could collapse, tune out, take a break from all of this. Remember when it was fashionable to have a nervous breakdown? Does anyone know how you go about having one because I'd like to have a rest at a sanitarium. Do those places even exist anymore? Now I'm kind of kidding here and kind of not. I have through the years thought about this. If indeed, it all becomes too much to bear what do people do who can't cope anymore? I'm not sure if I walked into the hospital and said, "I can't take it anymore" that it would amount to anything. Other than trying to kill myself, I don't know of any real way to collapse. I mean, really what would come down if I just refused to get up in the morning and started to stay in bed all day? The boys could probably manage to get by on their own and there would be a small amount of money with our monthly pension. They'd continue to go to school and no one would be the wiser.
I just can't envision collapsing and I take offense with comments by this author, throwing it out there when there really isn't anyway for people like me to escape from our hardships, even briefly. I've had no choice but to be strong and keep plodding forward. So part of me has been upset with comments by those who've said, "Keep standing strong, put your big girl pants on and face it," and so on. I did what I had to do because there was no other option! I don't deserve any reward for doing what I've had to do.
Well, the "Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory" was mentioned in this article so I decided to take it. Being in the social services field, I'm aware of the test that lists the most stressful event a person can face as the death of a spouse - 100 points. And of course I am well aware that the past six years since my husband's death have been very trying and difficult. What I found surprised me a little.
For the first two years, (2003-2005) I scored a 305 which indicates "a major life crisis and is highly predictive (80%) of serious physical illness within the next two years." Anything over a 300 is dangerous. I had a score of 363 for the years of 2005-2007. Instead of going down, the score went up. Not a good thing! But it really shot up during the period of my divorce from 2007-2009, with a total of 503! Again, instead of my score lowering or stabilizing, it was sky high, off the charts!
Now, this scale is not perfect and there have been criticisms of it. But I think as a baseline it is a picture of the stress existing in our lives. So far this year, I'm at a score of 237 which is within the moderate range of life crisis and contributes to us getting ill, suffering from high blood pressure, headaches, fatigue, chest and back pain.
My eyes were opened after taking the test and seeing the results. It has been challenging enough to have been widowed and then try to grieve in an effective manner that allows me to move on with life. But when you add major life stressors on top of it all, it tips the scale over. To have to deal with grief and stress at the same time and to keep on going in some manner of functioning. I am surprised I'm not dead. It was a lot of grief and stress packed into a very condensed period of time. That has been my reality. Flip flopping between grief and stress, life stress and grief.
What I want to put out there on the table is that for widows/widowers, it is not usually just the grief. Many of us will be forced to move, or we'll remarry or face other major life stressors. That combination of grief and stress is significant (all those secondary grief losses again!). But I don't think this is really brought into the equation. The focus is always just on the actual grief from the death. But as you can see in my pitiful example, my life stress and life conditions greatly worsened after my husband's passing. This needs to be accounted for and added into the total picture.
For me at least, the stress hindered my ability to grieve effectively. I had to put the grief on hold - hang it up each time I had to address a new calamity. A year after my husband's death, my youngest was diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome and that sucked my little family into a new tailspin. I felt that the first year following my husband's death had been a whirlwind and I was at the point where I was ready to tackle the real nitty-gritty grief work I needed. But that all went to heck when I had to devote my entire attention and energy into my son's health crisis. And it was further delayed when I attended to my parents and their serious health issues. I was forced to pass over my grief work and as a result, it came out tenfold when I was going through my divorce. All the pain from the deaths of my husband and Mom was added to the pain of losing my second husband.
I have come to intimately know what most people out there can't even remotely fathom. Grief on its own is horrendous. Grief combined with life stress can be lethal. Based on these test scores, I'm surprised I'm still standing as tall as I am and that I haven't gotten more seriously sick. I do worry about the long-term effects of all of this stress showing up in the future. My focus right now is on what can I do to counter the effects of the past few years.
Now this is hysterical and I will end this post with it. The main suggestion for what to do with a high score is: Drum Roll please - TO AVOID LIFE STRESS IN THE FUTURE! Oh really? Can we really control much of that? The example was given to avoid moving if you're newly retired (or putting it off). But you can't delay moving if you're in foreclosure!
Here is my two cents. A week to the day of my Mom's death and two days after her memorial service and one day after my sons started back to school, an F-10 level tornado hit our town and was tracked at having originated a block from my home. I am convinced it flew over our house because we had the most severe yard damage that I saw in our community. I had been looking forward to having some private time to myself to grieve my Mom AND my husband. But of course, I had to switch gears and deal with the huge job of the yard cleanup which took weeks. Then, immediately following that there was a mix-up with my parents' closing date on the sale of their home and there was the life stress of having to clear out their large home within two weeks. How in the world does a poor person deal with that? There is no way to prevent natural disasters or crummy screw-ups with real estate agents. So the grief got shoved under the table again. And I think it is worth noting that carrying around unresolved grief has its own complications and problems with it besides.
I have gotten to the point of almost laughing about the tornado, if you can laugh about a thing like that. The pure ridiculousness of it! For awhile I even wondered if I had somehow caused the tornado - that it happened to bring more stress and strain to my life. I couldn't believe that so much "bad luck" or misfortune could happen to one person. And then I've wondered what I did in a past life to deserve such suffering. I have a hard time with the Buddhist belief of Karma because of this. If I was such a horrible person before, deserving of such hardship now, I should never have been reincarnated in the first place. No one is deserving of the stress, grief and hardships I've lived through the past six years.
But all that personal reflection aside, I don't know much about Sandra Bullock. She seems like a very nice and generous person. She is beautiful and a good actress and I'm happy she has been recognized for her artistic talents. But I think there are a lot of Sandras out here - ordinary men and women walking the widow road and dealing with life-changing events without falling apart. Continuing to raise children as only parents, go to work and seek a little bit of happiness in a sometimes less than sympathetic world. And these are the true heroes in my eyes.
I just can't envision collapsing and I take offense with comments by this author, throwing it out there when there really isn't anyway for people like me to escape from our hardships, even briefly. I've had no choice but to be strong and keep plodding forward. So part of me has been upset with comments by those who've said, "Keep standing strong, put your big girl pants on and face it," and so on. I did what I had to do because there was no other option! I don't deserve any reward for doing what I've had to do.
Well, the "Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory" was mentioned in this article so I decided to take it. Being in the social services field, I'm aware of the test that lists the most stressful event a person can face as the death of a spouse - 100 points. And of course I am well aware that the past six years since my husband's death have been very trying and difficult. What I found surprised me a little.
For the first two years, (2003-2005) I scored a 305 which indicates "a major life crisis and is highly predictive (80%) of serious physical illness within the next two years." Anything over a 300 is dangerous. I had a score of 363 for the years of 2005-2007. Instead of going down, the score went up. Not a good thing! But it really shot up during the period of my divorce from 2007-2009, with a total of 503! Again, instead of my score lowering or stabilizing, it was sky high, off the charts!
Now, this scale is not perfect and there have been criticisms of it. But I think as a baseline it is a picture of the stress existing in our lives. So far this year, I'm at a score of 237 which is within the moderate range of life crisis and contributes to us getting ill, suffering from high blood pressure, headaches, fatigue, chest and back pain.
My eyes were opened after taking the test and seeing the results. It has been challenging enough to have been widowed and then try to grieve in an effective manner that allows me to move on with life. But when you add major life stressors on top of it all, it tips the scale over. To have to deal with grief and stress at the same time and to keep on going in some manner of functioning. I am surprised I'm not dead. It was a lot of grief and stress packed into a very condensed period of time. That has been my reality. Flip flopping between grief and stress, life stress and grief.
What I want to put out there on the table is that for widows/widowers, it is not usually just the grief. Many of us will be forced to move, or we'll remarry or face other major life stressors. That combination of grief and stress is significant (all those secondary grief losses again!). But I don't think this is really brought into the equation. The focus is always just on the actual grief from the death. But as you can see in my pitiful example, my life stress and life conditions greatly worsened after my husband's passing. This needs to be accounted for and added into the total picture.
For me at least, the stress hindered my ability to grieve effectively. I had to put the grief on hold - hang it up each time I had to address a new calamity. A year after my husband's death, my youngest was diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome and that sucked my little family into a new tailspin. I felt that the first year following my husband's death had been a whirlwind and I was at the point where I was ready to tackle the real nitty-gritty grief work I needed. But that all went to heck when I had to devote my entire attention and energy into my son's health crisis. And it was further delayed when I attended to my parents and their serious health issues. I was forced to pass over my grief work and as a result, it came out tenfold when I was going through my divorce. All the pain from the deaths of my husband and Mom was added to the pain of losing my second husband.
I have come to intimately know what most people out there can't even remotely fathom. Grief on its own is horrendous. Grief combined with life stress can be lethal. Based on these test scores, I'm surprised I'm still standing as tall as I am and that I haven't gotten more seriously sick. I do worry about the long-term effects of all of this stress showing up in the future. My focus right now is on what can I do to counter the effects of the past few years.
Now this is hysterical and I will end this post with it. The main suggestion for what to do with a high score is: Drum Roll please - TO AVOID LIFE STRESS IN THE FUTURE! Oh really? Can we really control much of that? The example was given to avoid moving if you're newly retired (or putting it off). But you can't delay moving if you're in foreclosure!
Here is my two cents. A week to the day of my Mom's death and two days after her memorial service and one day after my sons started back to school, an F-10 level tornado hit our town and was tracked at having originated a block from my home. I am convinced it flew over our house because we had the most severe yard damage that I saw in our community. I had been looking forward to having some private time to myself to grieve my Mom AND my husband. But of course, I had to switch gears and deal with the huge job of the yard cleanup which took weeks. Then, immediately following that there was a mix-up with my parents' closing date on the sale of their home and there was the life stress of having to clear out their large home within two weeks. How in the world does a poor person deal with that? There is no way to prevent natural disasters or crummy screw-ups with real estate agents. So the grief got shoved under the table again. And I think it is worth noting that carrying around unresolved grief has its own complications and problems with it besides.
I have gotten to the point of almost laughing about the tornado, if you can laugh about a thing like that. The pure ridiculousness of it! For awhile I even wondered if I had somehow caused the tornado - that it happened to bring more stress and strain to my life. I couldn't believe that so much "bad luck" or misfortune could happen to one person. And then I've wondered what I did in a past life to deserve such suffering. I have a hard time with the Buddhist belief of Karma because of this. If I was such a horrible person before, deserving of such hardship now, I should never have been reincarnated in the first place. No one is deserving of the stress, grief and hardships I've lived through the past six years.
But all that personal reflection aside, I don't know much about Sandra Bullock. She seems like a very nice and generous person. She is beautiful and a good actress and I'm happy she has been recognized for her artistic talents. But I think there are a lot of Sandras out here - ordinary men and women walking the widow road and dealing with life-changing events without falling apart. Continuing to raise children as only parents, go to work and seek a little bit of happiness in a sometimes less than sympathetic world. And these are the true heroes in my eyes.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Think of the Children
I feel compelled to finish this blog with a few more posts that relate to multiple losses and secondary grief losses. I am taking a break from blogging and am not sure where that will lead me. Perhaps I'll return or start a new widowhood blog. But I feel I have to have address these topics one final time in the event that I don't resume posting. These were issues that I wanted to emphasize in this blog and I have had trouble finding much out there about them specifically. I really believe that they are aspects of grief that get short changed or overlooked.
For me, the secondary grief losses, all those losses that came after my husband's death, were far more difficult for me to endure than his actual death. Maybe there needs to be some greater recognition of this in the literature and with grief counseling because I really struggled with the loss of my identity as a wife, the huge financial problems that came afterward, having to parent on my own, managing a household, having to go back to work, etc. I could go on and on with examples but you get the idea. The secondary losses can include loss of your social network, financial security, your home and so on.
I really lacked the skills and ability to some extent to navigate life as a middle-aged, widowed mom. Then there was the terrible loss of expectations/dreams. As parents in mid-life, my husband and I were reaching the point where we saw more opportunities to strengthen our personal relationship. My husband was 10 years older than I and we were contemplating his retirement to coincide with the boys going off to college. The thought and reality of me now having to get these boys through college on my own is so daunting and overwhelming, I sometimes feel like collapsing under the heavy weight that reality brings me.
I suppose it is all relative. Some are fortunate to have families providing moral, emotional and even financial support. For me, the absolute most difficult loss to endure through all of this, has been the realization that I really don't have a family to rely on. My husband was an only child and his out-of-state family has been invisible - not one gift or card for the boys since their father's death from their paternal grandmother or any paternal family member.
The lack of gifts doesn't matter to me. It has been the lack of any kind of familial emotional support. That has what I have really wanted - that is what helps restore and rebuild me. It is what helps prop me up when the going really gets tough.
My mother was my rock. Throughout my husband's illness and death she provided me with restoring words that were such a comfort and motivator. She wasn't perfect - she said a few insensitive things but overall, she was there listening, trying to understand and coming back with compassionate feedback. Just her acknowledgment that there were times it was hard for me, gave me strength. Once she observed, "You have it all resting on your shoulders." That is all she said. She didn't pity me or try to make it all better. She just honestly observed what was and that was very helpful to me. She didn't judge me. Her death in 2007 was a huge and painful loss for me. I greatly miss her and am thankful she was there for me as long as she was.
Other than my mom, I can't think of too many people who've ever said much to me on a positive note. I can think of two examples. A PTA mom who just shook her head after my youngest was going through his medical diagnosis of Long QT Syndrome (heart arrhythmia). She commented that I had had to endure more than anyone should have to experience. Then there was a dad from school who made a point of seeking me out and saying that I had done right by my boys. But there were so many more criticisms and negative comments - they kind of negated the good that resulted when somebody said something nice or encouraging.
I think that people suspect that widows/widowers want some kind of pity party when they talk or bring up their grief. But I know that all I want is some recognition for my life as it is and a little bit of encouragement for my trying to hang in there as best I can. Let me tell you, a little goes a long, long way!
My divorce absolutely devastated me. The best way I can describe it is as though you are getting hit in the knees with a club just as you're trying to stand back up again from a horrendous fall. The loss of my home and moving has been another tough load to bear. They say that experiencing loss makes you stronger and better able to deal with future adversity. But for me having to go through the divorce so soon after my husband's and mom's death was not strengthening. I was already depleted and worn out with grief. I hadn't rebuilt my energy or capability to deal with adversity. So when the divorce came, I was in little and poor shape to face it or cope with it.
Same with the house. I just endured the divorce battle and then had to jump right into selling and moving from my home to an apartment. It was physically and emotionally damaging and almost unbearable to face and get through. Again, a lot of criticism, virtually no support. The feeling of having no one to fall back on or rely on even a little has been the most devastating aspect of my grief. In the end, that is what it has come down to. It must relate to those primal feelings of being an infant and having to totally trust our caregivers. There is terror in the fear of not being card for and not surviving. Personally, for me, having to face the death of my husband, then a divorce and the loss of my home while parenting on my own has been its own terror because I have felt so alone. Sometimes it feels to me that that is how it might feel to die alone. To know that there isn't really anyone out there rooting for you, caring for you or wishing you well.
That has been my biggest cross to bear.
What I hope to convey here is that it is not just the actual loss of a loved one. It can be so much more and there can be numerous additional losses following a death that impact a widow/widower and families that are far reaching and very complicated. It is not a cut and dry situation. With that said, I think it is important that I add that I have come to believe that it really does take a village to raise children. For those of us without significant support networks, it is a challenging job on our own. I just hope these words get transmitted out there into the Universe to do some good here. I just want people to know and remember that withholding support, or being negative and critical to the poor widow/widower ends up filtering down to the kids. In the end, it is the poor father or motherless children that bear the brunt of all of this.
Please think of and remember the kids here. Through no fault of their own they've been dealt a blow and now their main support is an overworked, grieving parent doing their best to navigate an often hostile and less than sympathetic world. Give them a break. And give the parents a break. As I said earlier, a little kindness goes a long way.
For me, the secondary grief losses, all those losses that came after my husband's death, were far more difficult for me to endure than his actual death. Maybe there needs to be some greater recognition of this in the literature and with grief counseling because I really struggled with the loss of my identity as a wife, the huge financial problems that came afterward, having to parent on my own, managing a household, having to go back to work, etc. I could go on and on with examples but you get the idea. The secondary losses can include loss of your social network, financial security, your home and so on.
I really lacked the skills and ability to some extent to navigate life as a middle-aged, widowed mom. Then there was the terrible loss of expectations/dreams. As parents in mid-life, my husband and I were reaching the point where we saw more opportunities to strengthen our personal relationship. My husband was 10 years older than I and we were contemplating his retirement to coincide with the boys going off to college. The thought and reality of me now having to get these boys through college on my own is so daunting and overwhelming, I sometimes feel like collapsing under the heavy weight that reality brings me.
I suppose it is all relative. Some are fortunate to have families providing moral, emotional and even financial support. For me, the absolute most difficult loss to endure through all of this, has been the realization that I really don't have a family to rely on. My husband was an only child and his out-of-state family has been invisible - not one gift or card for the boys since their father's death from their paternal grandmother or any paternal family member.
The lack of gifts doesn't matter to me. It has been the lack of any kind of familial emotional support. That has what I have really wanted - that is what helps restore and rebuild me. It is what helps prop me up when the going really gets tough.
My mother was my rock. Throughout my husband's illness and death she provided me with restoring words that were such a comfort and motivator. She wasn't perfect - she said a few insensitive things but overall, she was there listening, trying to understand and coming back with compassionate feedback. Just her acknowledgment that there were times it was hard for me, gave me strength. Once she observed, "You have it all resting on your shoulders." That is all she said. She didn't pity me or try to make it all better. She just honestly observed what was and that was very helpful to me. She didn't judge me. Her death in 2007 was a huge and painful loss for me. I greatly miss her and am thankful she was there for me as long as she was.
Other than my mom, I can't think of too many people who've ever said much to me on a positive note. I can think of two examples. A PTA mom who just shook her head after my youngest was going through his medical diagnosis of Long QT Syndrome (heart arrhythmia). She commented that I had had to endure more than anyone should have to experience. Then there was a dad from school who made a point of seeking me out and saying that I had done right by my boys. But there were so many more criticisms and negative comments - they kind of negated the good that resulted when somebody said something nice or encouraging.
I think that people suspect that widows/widowers want some kind of pity party when they talk or bring up their grief. But I know that all I want is some recognition for my life as it is and a little bit of encouragement for my trying to hang in there as best I can. Let me tell you, a little goes a long, long way!
My divorce absolutely devastated me. The best way I can describe it is as though you are getting hit in the knees with a club just as you're trying to stand back up again from a horrendous fall. The loss of my home and moving has been another tough load to bear. They say that experiencing loss makes you stronger and better able to deal with future adversity. But for me having to go through the divorce so soon after my husband's and mom's death was not strengthening. I was already depleted and worn out with grief. I hadn't rebuilt my energy or capability to deal with adversity. So when the divorce came, I was in little and poor shape to face it or cope with it.
Same with the house. I just endured the divorce battle and then had to jump right into selling and moving from my home to an apartment. It was physically and emotionally damaging and almost unbearable to face and get through. Again, a lot of criticism, virtually no support. The feeling of having no one to fall back on or rely on even a little has been the most devastating aspect of my grief. In the end, that is what it has come down to. It must relate to those primal feelings of being an infant and having to totally trust our caregivers. There is terror in the fear of not being card for and not surviving. Personally, for me, having to face the death of my husband, then a divorce and the loss of my home while parenting on my own has been its own terror because I have felt so alone. Sometimes it feels to me that that is how it might feel to die alone. To know that there isn't really anyone out there rooting for you, caring for you or wishing you well.
That has been my biggest cross to bear.
What I hope to convey here is that it is not just the actual loss of a loved one. It can be so much more and there can be numerous additional losses following a death that impact a widow/widower and families that are far reaching and very complicated. It is not a cut and dry situation. With that said, I think it is important that I add that I have come to believe that it really does take a village to raise children. For those of us without significant support networks, it is a challenging job on our own. I just hope these words get transmitted out there into the Universe to do some good here. I just want people to know and remember that withholding support, or being negative and critical to the poor widow/widower ends up filtering down to the kids. In the end, it is the poor father or motherless children that bear the brunt of all of this.
Please think of and remember the kids here. Through no fault of their own they've been dealt a blow and now their main support is an overworked, grieving parent doing their best to navigate an often hostile and less than sympathetic world. Give them a break. And give the parents a break. As I said earlier, a little kindness goes a long way.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Snapped Rubber Band
I have come to believe that people have a breaking point in regard to how much grief, loss and pain they can take. At some point, the rubber band has stretched too far, too thin, too many times and it snaps. I guess the next question is, what happens after that? The rubber band is usually tossed in the trash, no longer salvageable. And what if there isn't a replacement at the ready?
I've been catching the new ancestry show on NBC, "Who Do You Think You Are?" that airs on Friday nights. A few weeks back, the show was about Brooke Shields. Many years ago, I remember reading that the familial relationship between Brooke's mother and grandmother was strained. So in this episode, Brooke wanted to see if she could uncover some information about her grandmother to help explain this.
She found that her grandmother had lost her mother at age 10 and then lived a life involving hardship and poverty in New Jersey. Her grandmother was forced to become sister and mother to her siblings. Some years later, another tragedy occurred when one of the brothers died in a drowning accident - I think he was about 13.
With the cameras rolling on Brooke, she processed this information with amazing clarity and insight. She related that she now had some compassion and understanding for her grandmother's situation, which until that point she had been totally unaware. Basically, she said that she could now comprehend her grandmother's ongoing negativity and bitterness. She said something to the effect that people can only take so much and perhaps her grandmother's early losses had been too much to bear.
Recently at the bookstore I paged through a new book on grief that has come out. The significance in it is that there haven't been many recent studies on grief and loss so this one is getting some attention. It is titled, "The Other Side of Sadness." I would like to read it someday just for general knowledge but from what I can tell, I think the main premise by the author is that people are much more resilient than been given credit for in the past - I guess along the gist of people bouncing back and recovering and becoming happy again.
EXCEPT the author did concede that some of us do struggle harder and longer than others. Especially those who are dealing with loss along with financial issues. Another point raised was that people lacking strong support systems of family and friends are at a disadvantage because a great deal of emotional support is necessary, AS WELL as ongoing support to tackle ordinary household and everyday situations. The author additionally brought up the fact that some people are more naturally resilient and optimistic than others too, so personal makeup and genes do factor in also.
This was part of the point I was trying to make in my "Crazy Widow" post. That I can comprehend why and how some widows do seem to go off the deep end, withdraw or give up hope. It is a combination of so many factors.
I look back at my journey and am just now beginning to realize how disadvantaged I was even at the beginning of widowhood. My husband had been sick for three years so there was fatigue, sorrow, grief and loss that had existed for a number of years even before the actual death! That is another fact that I don't think people ever stop to realize or consider. For those long-term caregivers, the entire period leading up to the loss is almost its own period of transition, stress and strain. And you go from that to big time grief!
I won't belabor the point here. I've said what I want to say. The question and possibly the key I need to lock next is, so now what? The rubber band is in the garbage. Or put another way, what do you do when you desperately need a vacation but can't take one? How can a broken, drained, depleted and hopeless spirit be revived after it has snapped?
I don't think you can tell someone in this place to wait it out and give it time. Maybe time has run out. I think hope has to be built on hope. And when there is none there it may be a futile effort. So where does that spark come from when it can no longer be ignited from within?
I've been catching the new ancestry show on NBC, "Who Do You Think You Are?" that airs on Friday nights. A few weeks back, the show was about Brooke Shields. Many years ago, I remember reading that the familial relationship between Brooke's mother and grandmother was strained. So in this episode, Brooke wanted to see if she could uncover some information about her grandmother to help explain this.
She found that her grandmother had lost her mother at age 10 and then lived a life involving hardship and poverty in New Jersey. Her grandmother was forced to become sister and mother to her siblings. Some years later, another tragedy occurred when one of the brothers died in a drowning accident - I think he was about 13.
With the cameras rolling on Brooke, she processed this information with amazing clarity and insight. She related that she now had some compassion and understanding for her grandmother's situation, which until that point she had been totally unaware. Basically, she said that she could now comprehend her grandmother's ongoing negativity and bitterness. She said something to the effect that people can only take so much and perhaps her grandmother's early losses had been too much to bear.
Recently at the bookstore I paged through a new book on grief that has come out. The significance in it is that there haven't been many recent studies on grief and loss so this one is getting some attention. It is titled, "The Other Side of Sadness." I would like to read it someday just for general knowledge but from what I can tell, I think the main premise by the author is that people are much more resilient than been given credit for in the past - I guess along the gist of people bouncing back and recovering and becoming happy again.
EXCEPT the author did concede that some of us do struggle harder and longer than others. Especially those who are dealing with loss along with financial issues. Another point raised was that people lacking strong support systems of family and friends are at a disadvantage because a great deal of emotional support is necessary, AS WELL as ongoing support to tackle ordinary household and everyday situations. The author additionally brought up the fact that some people are more naturally resilient and optimistic than others too, so personal makeup and genes do factor in also.
This was part of the point I was trying to make in my "Crazy Widow" post. That I can comprehend why and how some widows do seem to go off the deep end, withdraw or give up hope. It is a combination of so many factors.
I look back at my journey and am just now beginning to realize how disadvantaged I was even at the beginning of widowhood. My husband had been sick for three years so there was fatigue, sorrow, grief and loss that had existed for a number of years even before the actual death! That is another fact that I don't think people ever stop to realize or consider. For those long-term caregivers, the entire period leading up to the loss is almost its own period of transition, stress and strain. And you go from that to big time grief!
I won't belabor the point here. I've said what I want to say. The question and possibly the key I need to lock next is, so now what? The rubber band is in the garbage. Or put another way, what do you do when you desperately need a vacation but can't take one? How can a broken, drained, depleted and hopeless spirit be revived after it has snapped?
I don't think you can tell someone in this place to wait it out and give it time. Maybe time has run out. I think hope has to be built on hope. And when there is none there it may be a futile effort. So where does that spark come from when it can no longer be ignited from within?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Too Hard and Too Much
I feel that I have failed my boys. They've lost their Dad, their house, we've lived in a financially strapped position for years. The least I should be able to provide for them is some sense of safety and security in their home town and beloved school. But now my dire financial condition threatens that too.
I remarried because I fell in love but also because I felt that it would provide a better and more stable life for my boys. That turned out to be a bust.
They've done nothing but be my sons - that is their only crime. And they are being punished for it. For poor decisions I've made, for being too tired as a caregiver to my parents when I should have been concentrating on them. For feeling incompetent and scared as I try to market myself after not working for years. For feeling bitter and betrayed for the lack of support and help I've received from my family.
It has been too hard for to manage on my own. I have been a shitty "only" parent. I've needed more help and support. I haven't asked or demanded any. None has really been forthcoming. I have not been able to do this for as many years as I have.
My grief therapist says one of the top criteria as to how people manage being widowed is in direct correlation to how much support they receive from family, friends, community, church and other networks. We have not received much and now I feel too tired and drained to keep this up.
How can people just blindly turn an eye to us? My husband's family has been non-existent in regard to any contact or interest in the boys. I don't care if you blow me off but what about these young men who have lost so much, suffered and are still struggling to find their way? All I will say is that I would reach out to any relative I knew was struggling to raise children on their own and especially the children.
We were not the family to have the dad die. It should have been another family where there was a stronger support system in place with family that cared and was loving. Where family would reach out to offer love and support. The death is enough to have to recover from and survive. The being alone and financial struggles now seem insurmountable. Why? Because I'm just too damn exhausted from having had to try and get by on my own all these years. I don't have the energy or strength.
I feel as though I'm being forced to move because of the finances. But how can I keep going on like this? At least Sam loves me/us and has offered us what he can. Can't say the same of family or Husband #2.
But it just seems that this is such a sad and defeating moment. A sense of failure and rejection permeate my being. This is not how it should end. There should not have to be so many years of hardship and pain following such a major loss.
My siblings have lived the past six years in their same homes with their kids surviving no major upheavals or losses. How can no one fathom the amount of pain that accompanies the loss of two husbands and a home? These are tragic and horrific losses. To have to wake up every day after suffering these events and face the world and parent on one's own and try to plan and figure out the future alone - no husband/wife by your side to talk to and share the worries, as well as the burdens.
What has the world expected of us? Why has the world cast down its evil so much on this little family? Couldn't it have been spread around a bit or bypassed us? I hate life and the world right now. I don't like writing or feeling like this. It is scary to let such rage come out to the surface. But my therapist says bottling this stuff up is what leads people to become nasty and bitter. And I don't want that for my future. I do not want to be an ugly person inside as well as one who grieves. The grief is enough!
I remarried because I fell in love but also because I felt that it would provide a better and more stable life for my boys. That turned out to be a bust.
They've done nothing but be my sons - that is their only crime. And they are being punished for it. For poor decisions I've made, for being too tired as a caregiver to my parents when I should have been concentrating on them. For feeling incompetent and scared as I try to market myself after not working for years. For feeling bitter and betrayed for the lack of support and help I've received from my family.
It has been too hard for to manage on my own. I have been a shitty "only" parent. I've needed more help and support. I haven't asked or demanded any. None has really been forthcoming. I have not been able to do this for as many years as I have.
My grief therapist says one of the top criteria as to how people manage being widowed is in direct correlation to how much support they receive from family, friends, community, church and other networks. We have not received much and now I feel too tired and drained to keep this up.
How can people just blindly turn an eye to us? My husband's family has been non-existent in regard to any contact or interest in the boys. I don't care if you blow me off but what about these young men who have lost so much, suffered and are still struggling to find their way? All I will say is that I would reach out to any relative I knew was struggling to raise children on their own and especially the children.
We were not the family to have the dad die. It should have been another family where there was a stronger support system in place with family that cared and was loving. Where family would reach out to offer love and support. The death is enough to have to recover from and survive. The being alone and financial struggles now seem insurmountable. Why? Because I'm just too damn exhausted from having had to try and get by on my own all these years. I don't have the energy or strength.
I feel as though I'm being forced to move because of the finances. But how can I keep going on like this? At least Sam loves me/us and has offered us what he can. Can't say the same of family or Husband #2.
But it just seems that this is such a sad and defeating moment. A sense of failure and rejection permeate my being. This is not how it should end. There should not have to be so many years of hardship and pain following such a major loss.
My siblings have lived the past six years in their same homes with their kids surviving no major upheavals or losses. How can no one fathom the amount of pain that accompanies the loss of two husbands and a home? These are tragic and horrific losses. To have to wake up every day after suffering these events and face the world and parent on one's own and try to plan and figure out the future alone - no husband/wife by your side to talk to and share the worries, as well as the burdens.
What has the world expected of us? Why has the world cast down its evil so much on this little family? Couldn't it have been spread around a bit or bypassed us? I hate life and the world right now. I don't like writing or feeling like this. It is scary to let such rage come out to the surface. But my therapist says bottling this stuff up is what leads people to become nasty and bitter. And I don't want that for my future. I do not want to be an ugly person inside as well as one who grieves. The grief is enough!
I Don't Want to Hurt Anymore
All through this holiday season I have been not sleeping well and waking up with a migraine. The first thing I do upon arising, is pop some Xanax and migraine medicine. Obviously, this cannot go on. (And I only have four Xanax left anyway). I took a few days off forcing myself to not think about moving but have to now face reality. Hopefully, blogging my thoughts and emotions about this issue will bring some perspective and clarity.
The winter weather has also been throwing me for a loop. I hate it with such an intensity it almost scares me! I so wish I could look at the big fluffy flakes coming down even now with some sort of wonder. But all I see is treachery and danger. If the van skids and we even have a minor fender-bender I do not have the funds for repairs. I drive so cautiously - there is a pit in my stomach constantly because sometimes there is nothing you can do and an accident is caused by another driver. The cold and unsunny days do not help. I feel down and gloomy because I need sun and the brightness and hope it brings.
My girlfriend got another vehicle from her dad. He got her their van some years back. Now he gave them an older model car for the kids to use. My other girlfriend also got a vehicle from her father. Both of my friends are divorced and hold decent paying jobs. I struggle with jealousy and resentment that I ended up with a family unable and unwilling to provide even a smidgen of emotional support. My second husband also gave generously to his older divorced sister making $60,000 a year and receiving child support from her attorney ex-husband besides. I remember being amazed at this! And here I am a widowed Mom truly believing that if we wind up on the street, no one out there will give a damn!
I am angry and bitter that we've had to bear more than our share of hardship and grief. Becoming a widow at age 44 and being left on one's own to raise two boys is and should have been enough. But to have had to face family of origin issues, a child diagnosed with a serious heart condition, a divorce. loss of home and extreme financial issues besides has made it more than I can bear.
That is part of the reason I do not want to move. It would help enormously from a financial standpoint but part of my resistance comes from the fact that this would end up being yet another loss and at this point I am being stubborn and saying to the world, "No, I can't take anymore!"
Part of my attitude is crazy and immature. I am involved with a good, kind, caring, patient, decent guy whom I am strongly certain would make a suitable life partner. When we became involved I was adamant that I only see or date men from the area. I did not want to relocate. So what kind of cruel twist of fate is it that Sam lost his job related to the Recession and ends up taking the first and only position offered to him out of state?
Part of me is upset that he was thinking of saving himself financially and being closer to his son, who also moved out of state with the ex-wife over the summer. Sam insists there were no other options in regard to his taking this job and moving. He claims he was on the verge of being unable to pay his mortgage so he could not move in with me and keep looking for work here in Illinois. But despite these realities, I don't feel there was much consideration made for the ramifications of a move out of state for my sons, currently in their second and third years of high school here and very much entrenched and comfortable in their lives. That is about all we have had to rely on and count on these past years - a strong connection within our community and school. And now if we move, it will be losing a part of us that has been what has sustained us the most over the last few difficult years.
I am going to be honest and get out my next thoughts openly and honestly but they are whiny and petty. I don't like the town Sam has moved to. It is ugly and industrial and working-class. Now I know deep down this doesn't really matter. The people who live inside the houses are what count and so far everyone we've met in the town is extremely down to earth and nice. But I am mad at the world for the curve balls it keeps sending me. If you want us to move, fine but could it at least be a cute little town? And why of all possible situations could this move involve the boys having to go from a semester format to a trimester one in the school district? Talk about complications and difficulties.
The boys are not matched up academically to their courses and will lose credits and possibly fail some of their classes. That means they will not be able to play any sports the last years of high school and sports is what has sustained them since their Dad's death.
I am furious that life continues to throw us challenges. Why couldn't I have met a nice and decent guy who still lives here? Why does the right one have to move away? Does that mean he is no longer the right one? Will I ever find another man that can even come close to Sam if I let him go because I don't/can't move right now?
What do I want? I want to be remarried here. I want to get my sons through high school and started in college. I know the system here and the local colleges. In the other state I am clueless and not sure how to navigate the system. I should be grateful and relieved that I have luckily met someone I am compatible with. I have read many blogs where the writers bemoan that they're aren't any decent guys out there. And here I am almost on the verge of throwing one away because of my fears and inability to face more loss and challenges.
Yet if I stay the challenges remain and may even intensify. I worry on a daily basis about not being able to properly provide for my sons (basic necessities much less college). I need to find a job but am afraid that it might take longer than anticipated. I sit for the state CNA certification exam on 1/16. What if I don't pass it? We will face homelessness if I don't find a job soon. Even this month I will be forced to go to a food pantry because there is not enough money for food.
I don't want to end up alone and bitter and resentful because I am on my own. But I don't even have the energy to date or go out. I've been in a long-term serious relationship for almost two years now and it has provided me with support and consistency. Just not marriage. I don't want this relationship with Sam to end but I know he doesn't want to sustain a long-distance one.
What happens when both options are not what you really want? None is the perfect fit or truly right? I suppose the next step is to list the pros and cons of each. Both have their drawbacks. Both have some positives. But the main thing is that they both involve major losses and that is what I am trying to avoid at all cost. I can't go anywhere near more grief and pain. That is what is mainly causing me this distress and agony. More later. For now I have gotten some of it out and I'll take it from there.
The winter weather has also been throwing me for a loop. I hate it with such an intensity it almost scares me! I so wish I could look at the big fluffy flakes coming down even now with some sort of wonder. But all I see is treachery and danger. If the van skids and we even have a minor fender-bender I do not have the funds for repairs. I drive so cautiously - there is a pit in my stomach constantly because sometimes there is nothing you can do and an accident is caused by another driver. The cold and unsunny days do not help. I feel down and gloomy because I need sun and the brightness and hope it brings.
My girlfriend got another vehicle from her dad. He got her their van some years back. Now he gave them an older model car for the kids to use. My other girlfriend also got a vehicle from her father. Both of my friends are divorced and hold decent paying jobs. I struggle with jealousy and resentment that I ended up with a family unable and unwilling to provide even a smidgen of emotional support. My second husband also gave generously to his older divorced sister making $60,000 a year and receiving child support from her attorney ex-husband besides. I remember being amazed at this! And here I am a widowed Mom truly believing that if we wind up on the street, no one out there will give a damn!
I am angry and bitter that we've had to bear more than our share of hardship and grief. Becoming a widow at age 44 and being left on one's own to raise two boys is and should have been enough. But to have had to face family of origin issues, a child diagnosed with a serious heart condition, a divorce. loss of home and extreme financial issues besides has made it more than I can bear.
That is part of the reason I do not want to move. It would help enormously from a financial standpoint but part of my resistance comes from the fact that this would end up being yet another loss and at this point I am being stubborn and saying to the world, "No, I can't take anymore!"
Part of my attitude is crazy and immature. I am involved with a good, kind, caring, patient, decent guy whom I am strongly certain would make a suitable life partner. When we became involved I was adamant that I only see or date men from the area. I did not want to relocate. So what kind of cruel twist of fate is it that Sam lost his job related to the Recession and ends up taking the first and only position offered to him out of state?
Part of me is upset that he was thinking of saving himself financially and being closer to his son, who also moved out of state with the ex-wife over the summer. Sam insists there were no other options in regard to his taking this job and moving. He claims he was on the verge of being unable to pay his mortgage so he could not move in with me and keep looking for work here in Illinois. But despite these realities, I don't feel there was much consideration made for the ramifications of a move out of state for my sons, currently in their second and third years of high school here and very much entrenched and comfortable in their lives. That is about all we have had to rely on and count on these past years - a strong connection within our community and school. And now if we move, it will be losing a part of us that has been what has sustained us the most over the last few difficult years.
I am going to be honest and get out my next thoughts openly and honestly but they are whiny and petty. I don't like the town Sam has moved to. It is ugly and industrial and working-class. Now I know deep down this doesn't really matter. The people who live inside the houses are what count and so far everyone we've met in the town is extremely down to earth and nice. But I am mad at the world for the curve balls it keeps sending me. If you want us to move, fine but could it at least be a cute little town? And why of all possible situations could this move involve the boys having to go from a semester format to a trimester one in the school district? Talk about complications and difficulties.
The boys are not matched up academically to their courses and will lose credits and possibly fail some of their classes. That means they will not be able to play any sports the last years of high school and sports is what has sustained them since their Dad's death.
I am furious that life continues to throw us challenges. Why couldn't I have met a nice and decent guy who still lives here? Why does the right one have to move away? Does that mean he is no longer the right one? Will I ever find another man that can even come close to Sam if I let him go because I don't/can't move right now?
What do I want? I want to be remarried here. I want to get my sons through high school and started in college. I know the system here and the local colleges. In the other state I am clueless and not sure how to navigate the system. I should be grateful and relieved that I have luckily met someone I am compatible with. I have read many blogs where the writers bemoan that they're aren't any decent guys out there. And here I am almost on the verge of throwing one away because of my fears and inability to face more loss and challenges.
Yet if I stay the challenges remain and may even intensify. I worry on a daily basis about not being able to properly provide for my sons (basic necessities much less college). I need to find a job but am afraid that it might take longer than anticipated. I sit for the state CNA certification exam on 1/16. What if I don't pass it? We will face homelessness if I don't find a job soon. Even this month I will be forced to go to a food pantry because there is not enough money for food.
I don't want to end up alone and bitter and resentful because I am on my own. But I don't even have the energy to date or go out. I've been in a long-term serious relationship for almost two years now and it has provided me with support and consistency. Just not marriage. I don't want this relationship with Sam to end but I know he doesn't want to sustain a long-distance one.
What happens when both options are not what you really want? None is the perfect fit or truly right? I suppose the next step is to list the pros and cons of each. Both have their drawbacks. Both have some positives. But the main thing is that they both involve major losses and that is what I am trying to avoid at all cost. I can't go anywhere near more grief and pain. That is what is mainly causing me this distress and agony. More later. For now I have gotten some of it out and I'll take it from there.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Pots of Loss
Sam confided yesterday that the reason he pushed for us to move so quickly was well meaning. He thought it would be easier for me to deal with all the recent losses (selling the house, moving to the apt., etc.) if he threw the relocation in there along with them. His reasoning was that I'd be able to deal with all the losses at the same time and get "over" them more quickly.
Although I understand his intention, from my personal experience and what I have read about multiple losses, I'm not sure this is how it works. I think you have to deal with each loss on its own. You can't combine a bunch of losses and deal with them all together. Each one is its own entity.
I know from my situation as well, that there is a limit to how much grief I can handle. When it exceeds that limit I shut down and simply can't take on any more. When my Mom was dying two years ago and I was supposed to be packing up and selling my home and moving out of state, the only issue I could focus on was my Mom. I also realized I absolutely did not possess the strength to deal with my Mom's death and then handle the issues relating to the relocation. It was too much for me. I know Husband #2 did not understand this and it was part of what led to the divorce.
This current situation seems so much a repeat of what happened two years ago. I have just "lost" my home and moved into an apartment. The place isn't even unpacked. We never had a moment to settle in or process this life changing event. And then overnight I was forced to make decisions relating to another out-of-state relocation. I feel there wasn't adequate time for me to even gain some clarity or perspective before being thrust into this new whilwind.
One of my girlfriends commented the other day that people have to move all the time for jobs and family issues. She made it sound so matter-of-fact. But timing and circumstances do figure in there too. In the recent past I have had to face a very painful divorce, the sale and move from our home, finding and moving into a small apartment, fitting all the overflow of household goods and possessions into storage units and then taking a time intensive Nursing Assistant Program because of job necessity. Maybe for other people this wouldn't be too much, but it is for me. And it is also partly because I've had to face those issues on my own while trying to figure out what is best for my sons.
Sam described me as falling apart at the seams and being a wreck. I found the description very painful to hear. He said he wants to make life easier for me but it seems as though since the move I am more despondent and unhappy. That's grief for you. You are despondent. He thinks the boys have fed off my grief which can very well be true but the reality is that my depression has been so linked into their grief. Kind of like which came first - my grief over them having to move or theirs. But it doesn't really matter which came first anyway - it is all so interconnected. All of us are having difficulty with this. Sam thinks I should buck up and demonstrate strength for the boys - no more sleeping in during the day or crying. I don't relate this to bash him - it is how he feels. I've tried to explain that grief is very powerful and cannot be so easily batted away. I see his point about trying to be there more for the boys but that doesn't mean I can will my own grief away.
I have certainly learned through all of this that we can't push grief away and expect to heal. It is walking through it, crying, hurting and even vomiting from the grief that gets us out of the basement level of pain. So for those of us with more on our plates that also means having a longer go at the process. We'll be taking those steps out of the basement at a slower pace. Or maybe we'll stop a moment to sit on the steps awhile before making the effort to go back up.
I don't believe you can lump all your losses together to make the load easier or faster to get through. Multi-tasking may work in real life but not with grief. Each loss has to be grieved on its own. I think you have to concentrate on one to experience it fully. If you try to grieve everything all at once it just becomes muddled and unclear as to what you're exactly grieving. About grief overload - too much is too much. Being a wreck and appearing as though we're falling apart at the seams is an indication that it has all become too much. It would be nice to have the ability to take a break from life's current problems to have the time to devote to the past. It would be ideal if that could be the case. As for the times when life keeps piling up the challenges, I'm not sure what the solution is. What is the strategy for grieving at the same time you are living and facing difficult circumstances?
I suppose one answer would be to deal with what is most pressing at hand and having the strength and sense to put aside the other matters for a short while. Then returning to them when life has been restored to a more even level. What I have learned is that trying to handle too much grief all at once is futile. In doing that you run the risk of tuning out and avoidance, as well as feeling insane. Losses are very profound and each has such an individual meaning and significance for us. There is a certain level of honoring our losses that I have come to recognize as necessary. They can't be lumped together like a blob of clay. Each loss has to be formed and then put into the kiln and fired. For now, I will concentrate on this new move and put some of the other losses on the shelf to fire in the kiln later. They'll still be there, safe and sound. Let me tell you, they aren't going anywhere! But right now all my focus, strength and energy is needed to mold the pot determining where the boys will end up at school.
Although I understand his intention, from my personal experience and what I have read about multiple losses, I'm not sure this is how it works. I think you have to deal with each loss on its own. You can't combine a bunch of losses and deal with them all together. Each one is its own entity.
I know from my situation as well, that there is a limit to how much grief I can handle. When it exceeds that limit I shut down and simply can't take on any more. When my Mom was dying two years ago and I was supposed to be packing up and selling my home and moving out of state, the only issue I could focus on was my Mom. I also realized I absolutely did not possess the strength to deal with my Mom's death and then handle the issues relating to the relocation. It was too much for me. I know Husband #2 did not understand this and it was part of what led to the divorce.
This current situation seems so much a repeat of what happened two years ago. I have just "lost" my home and moved into an apartment. The place isn't even unpacked. We never had a moment to settle in or process this life changing event. And then overnight I was forced to make decisions relating to another out-of-state relocation. I feel there wasn't adequate time for me to even gain some clarity or perspective before being thrust into this new whilwind.
One of my girlfriends commented the other day that people have to move all the time for jobs and family issues. She made it sound so matter-of-fact. But timing and circumstances do figure in there too. In the recent past I have had to face a very painful divorce, the sale and move from our home, finding and moving into a small apartment, fitting all the overflow of household goods and possessions into storage units and then taking a time intensive Nursing Assistant Program because of job necessity. Maybe for other people this wouldn't be too much, but it is for me. And it is also partly because I've had to face those issues on my own while trying to figure out what is best for my sons.
Sam described me as falling apart at the seams and being a wreck. I found the description very painful to hear. He said he wants to make life easier for me but it seems as though since the move I am more despondent and unhappy. That's grief for you. You are despondent. He thinks the boys have fed off my grief which can very well be true but the reality is that my depression has been so linked into their grief. Kind of like which came first - my grief over them having to move or theirs. But it doesn't really matter which came first anyway - it is all so interconnected. All of us are having difficulty with this. Sam thinks I should buck up and demonstrate strength for the boys - no more sleeping in during the day or crying. I don't relate this to bash him - it is how he feels. I've tried to explain that grief is very powerful and cannot be so easily batted away. I see his point about trying to be there more for the boys but that doesn't mean I can will my own grief away.
I have certainly learned through all of this that we can't push grief away and expect to heal. It is walking through it, crying, hurting and even vomiting from the grief that gets us out of the basement level of pain. So for those of us with more on our plates that also means having a longer go at the process. We'll be taking those steps out of the basement at a slower pace. Or maybe we'll stop a moment to sit on the steps awhile before making the effort to go back up.
I don't believe you can lump all your losses together to make the load easier or faster to get through. Multi-tasking may work in real life but not with grief. Each loss has to be grieved on its own. I think you have to concentrate on one to experience it fully. If you try to grieve everything all at once it just becomes muddled and unclear as to what you're exactly grieving. About grief overload - too much is too much. Being a wreck and appearing as though we're falling apart at the seams is an indication that it has all become too much. It would be nice to have the ability to take a break from life's current problems to have the time to devote to the past. It would be ideal if that could be the case. As for the times when life keeps piling up the challenges, I'm not sure what the solution is. What is the strategy for grieving at the same time you are living and facing difficult circumstances?
I suppose one answer would be to deal with what is most pressing at hand and having the strength and sense to put aside the other matters for a short while. Then returning to them when life has been restored to a more even level. What I have learned is that trying to handle too much grief all at once is futile. In doing that you run the risk of tuning out and avoidance, as well as feeling insane. Losses are very profound and each has such an individual meaning and significance for us. There is a certain level of honoring our losses that I have come to recognize as necessary. They can't be lumped together like a blob of clay. Each loss has to be formed and then put into the kiln and fired. For now, I will concentrate on this new move and put some of the other losses on the shelf to fire in the kiln later. They'll still be there, safe and sound. Let me tell you, they aren't going anywhere! But right now all my focus, strength and energy is needed to mold the pot determining where the boys will end up at school.
Fractured Family Riding The Hamster Exercise Wheel
My oldest is refusing to speak with me, except to announce that he will be "taking" the van after school to drive the almost four-hour ride back home for the weekend. I am planning to bring the boys back home to the apartment for Christmas break next week. We need to stay here this weekend to help Sam out with his son. He has not seen him for almost two months and works this weekend. If we are not home, the 11-year-old will be alone by himself in a home he has never even seen most of the weekend. I feel it is only fair that we help Sam out. Sam thinks I should let the boys drive home on their own. Letting a just-turned-17-year-old drive the "good" vehicle on his own, along with his 15-year-old brother and then be on their own an entire weekend does not seem to me to be responsible or rational. Too much can go wrong. We are too far away. That is a situation more applicable for college kids, not those still in high school.
I have visions of having to call the police or reporting the van stolen if he storms out of the house. I feel such a sadness and weariness about my sons and their behavior. Both of the counselors at both schools have said that they feel the boys should be more mature and better able to handle this transition than they have demonstrated.
I can point to so many reasons for why I think the boys are acting as they are. I was overly protective after their Dad died; they have not had any significant male role models in their life since their Dad's death; I did not spend enough time with them when I was caring for my parents; they were very hurt by my second husband blowing us off and virtually abandoning us; there were periods after the divorce when I was so grief stricken I'm not sure how much of an attentive parent I was. And some of this too is that they are teens and going through normal acting out and rebellion.
Sam took over my cell phone plan to ease up on my finances and got everyone new phones yesterday, including unlimited texting and internet, which I had blocked because of the cost. The boys seem to find this an expected given. Where we lived, fancy electronics were the norm for the kids. Every family had an SUV and/or luxury vehicle. So that is a part of who they are too. Despite my widowhood status, I did my best to keep up and provide for the boys. They have gone without but then again, they haven't. I was able to do it until the divorce, although on a much smaller scale than two-parent households. My boys got the electronics, although they were used models. They had phones with unlimited texting but no internet. I fixed up an old manual transmission car so my oldest could drive the van, which still looks good despite its 108,000 thousand miles.
I am awaiting a call from the guidance dept. of the old school to discuss options for bringing the boys back. Sam and I both feel that needs to be considered at this point. Maybe this move is not in the best interests of this family. The move was made with the best of intentions. The only thing we are not giving it is time but right now there is not any to have the luxury to play around with. If we move permanently, it will have to be at the end of the month and I will lose my apartment. Both of us adults have to consider the future consequences of the boys not adjusting or fitting in here.
It would have been hard enough blending a family together in a new home even in the same old town. Try doing that in a totally foreign state and environment (rural, farm area). We're just trying to be realistic. At least we tried and made the effort.
My husband's death had such far reaching consequences, well beyond what I ever would have first expected. I wish I had been the one who had died. The boys would never have had to face the financial problems that hit us because of my husband's income and job position. As males, it would have been better for their father to have raised them. And that is based on my overall perspective having been an only female parent of two boys. I think it would have been easier for me to have raised two daughters on my own or a son and daughter.
This kind of death and loss has such far reaching implications for the family members left behind. I just want to impart that the complications, trials and tribulations faced by such families as mine can seem unbearable and endless. I can describe it as being like a hamster on an exercise wheel. The problems and challenges keep piling up and you just keep running and continuing to run to keep up but the wheel really doesn't go anywhere. People have such a finite view of grief. That somehow after a certain time period, life will be restored and whole again. But if you can never go back to the life you had, how will that be possible? No one stops to consider that. And what happens when the new life ahead of you is harder than anything you could ever have imagined? Suddenly you have to reevaluate all of your original perceptions of happiness and contentment.
The complications, curve balls, hardships and challenges keep one mired in the grief. It cannot be escaped because it has overtaken one's life at all levels. In my situation at least, the grief has continued to follow me. That is because there are losses after the loss. And you have to grieve those too. So, my hope for today's post is that maybe in some small way I can spread the word about this reality. Grief can expand beyond the initial death. Families become fractured. Mothers lose hope. Life does not get better, easier or whole after a year of mourning. Sometimes the grief gets worse.
I have visions of having to call the police or reporting the van stolen if he storms out of the house. I feel such a sadness and weariness about my sons and their behavior. Both of the counselors at both schools have said that they feel the boys should be more mature and better able to handle this transition than they have demonstrated.
I can point to so many reasons for why I think the boys are acting as they are. I was overly protective after their Dad died; they have not had any significant male role models in their life since their Dad's death; I did not spend enough time with them when I was caring for my parents; they were very hurt by my second husband blowing us off and virtually abandoning us; there were periods after the divorce when I was so grief stricken I'm not sure how much of an attentive parent I was. And some of this too is that they are teens and going through normal acting out and rebellion.
Sam took over my cell phone plan to ease up on my finances and got everyone new phones yesterday, including unlimited texting and internet, which I had blocked because of the cost. The boys seem to find this an expected given. Where we lived, fancy electronics were the norm for the kids. Every family had an SUV and/or luxury vehicle. So that is a part of who they are too. Despite my widowhood status, I did my best to keep up and provide for the boys. They have gone without but then again, they haven't. I was able to do it until the divorce, although on a much smaller scale than two-parent households. My boys got the electronics, although they were used models. They had phones with unlimited texting but no internet. I fixed up an old manual transmission car so my oldest could drive the van, which still looks good despite its 108,000 thousand miles.
I am awaiting a call from the guidance dept. of the old school to discuss options for bringing the boys back. Sam and I both feel that needs to be considered at this point. Maybe this move is not in the best interests of this family. The move was made with the best of intentions. The only thing we are not giving it is time but right now there is not any to have the luxury to play around with. If we move permanently, it will have to be at the end of the month and I will lose my apartment. Both of us adults have to consider the future consequences of the boys not adjusting or fitting in here.
It would have been hard enough blending a family together in a new home even in the same old town. Try doing that in a totally foreign state and environment (rural, farm area). We're just trying to be realistic. At least we tried and made the effort.
My husband's death had such far reaching consequences, well beyond what I ever would have first expected. I wish I had been the one who had died. The boys would never have had to face the financial problems that hit us because of my husband's income and job position. As males, it would have been better for their father to have raised them. And that is based on my overall perspective having been an only female parent of two boys. I think it would have been easier for me to have raised two daughters on my own or a son and daughter.
This kind of death and loss has such far reaching implications for the family members left behind. I just want to impart that the complications, trials and tribulations faced by such families as mine can seem unbearable and endless. I can describe it as being like a hamster on an exercise wheel. The problems and challenges keep piling up and you just keep running and continuing to run to keep up but the wheel really doesn't go anywhere. People have such a finite view of grief. That somehow after a certain time period, life will be restored and whole again. But if you can never go back to the life you had, how will that be possible? No one stops to consider that. And what happens when the new life ahead of you is harder than anything you could ever have imagined? Suddenly you have to reevaluate all of your original perceptions of happiness and contentment.
The complications, curve balls, hardships and challenges keep one mired in the grief. It cannot be escaped because it has overtaken one's life at all levels. In my situation at least, the grief has continued to follow me. That is because there are losses after the loss. And you have to grieve those too. So, my hope for today's post is that maybe in some small way I can spread the word about this reality. Grief can expand beyond the initial death. Families become fractured. Mothers lose hope. Life does not get better, easier or whole after a year of mourning. Sometimes the grief gets worse.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Snowstorm
We have been holed up because of that horrific snowstorm that swept the Midwest this week. It all started Monday when the boys and I left late for the 200 mile drive to the new house/town/school. This was because it was my oldest son's 17th birthday and he wanted to go to his old school as his friends had celebrations planned and gifts to give. But I needed to get the boys back to the new school so too much work wasn't missed. Anyway, we started out late, 10:30 p.m. or so because my son was taken to Buffalo Wild Wings for a birthday dinner from his girlfriend. I was a bit concerned about starting so late because the storm was predicted but the snowfall wasn't supposed to hit until the morning hours. We reached it about midnight. And I then spent a white-knuckled three-hour drive on the highway with only semi trucks to keep me company.
I couldn't see the highway well because of the wind and drifting snow and it was so dark. All of us out on the road were only going 45 mph and the limit is 70. It was also the first snow of the season and so I wasn't that confident about my winter driving skills since they've been shelved the past eight months. But we got there in one piece.
Tue. school was canceled, as well as Wed. and Thur. So much for trying to get the boys there. Our town received over 12 inches of snow. Back home in Illinois, there were no school cancellations but I don't think they got the same amount of snow or the blizzard conditions to go along with the storm.
The boys behaved okay while at home. Sam was off on Thursday and home early another day because of the weather. Except for my youngest refusing to get out with us on Thur. to go to Walmart, there were no incidents.
I felt depressed, despondent and down (DDD) most of the time. I'd forgotten hair conditioner as well as my hair dryer so I said forget it to showering a couple days and even stayed in my pjs all day on Tuesday. I read and did some knitting (halfheartedly). We have never had Cable and on Tue. I spent the entire afternoon watching a Discovery Chanel program about ghosts that aired three episodes in a row. Then there was a program about some ghost busters going around the country and visiting the most haunted sites. Another day, all of us watched a quirky sci-fi monster film called Tremors starring of all people, Reba McIntyre.
Some of the DDD might have had to do with the weather. I absolutely hate the winter and cold and snow and dark. Plus we are in a home where there isn't much there that is ours so we are lacking what is familiar to us in terms of possessions. Then it is the holdiays and it is sad to not be able to decorate (since all my decorations are somewhere in a storage shed), or to have money to spend on gifts and good food. I spent a lot of time sleeping too, although I hope I can pass this off as making up for all the sleep I've lost over the past years.
Today the boys went to school but I had to deal with transferring records from the old school and doing so made me very dejected. I spent the morning in bed reading and was not motivated to get up and do anything like wash dishes and go through the large bag of old mail I'd brought with me. I needed to do some shoveling so we could get the van out of the garage and getting out into the cold sunshine and doing something physical felt good.
We took off for home for the weekend right after school since my last day at the big box store is tomorrow and my oldest is going to the Bears/Packers game this Sunday - the tickets were his birthday gift from his girlfriend. My youngest was snippy and negative the ride home. By the way, we saw 30 cars and trucks in the ditches within a 20 mile stretch of highway and 12 more after that - and this is two days after the storm! As we got closer to home my resistence to the move started to give way and I found myself questioning whether it really is in our best interests to move. So in addition to feeling BBB, now I am grappling with whether I should do my best to stay here, even though finances will be exceedingly tight. Both boys feel they are ruined scholastically since most of their credits won't transfer from their old school to the new one and all the work they have done this year will be wasted. They also feel very behind and frustrated with their new classes since they came in at such an odd time.
Enough of all this. I am weary and bone tired even though this week I didn't do much of anything. My head is spinning and I just want to go to bed. I spent a lot of my time thinking about the boys this week and my heart is breaking for the hardships they have had to endure. If only we could have made it until they'd finished high school. I am very angry at my husband dying when he did. We have suffered more than enough! Change is hard enough under better circumstances but coming off of so much grief and loss, it is hard for my sons and I to be positive about this move. I found myself feeling irritated and mad at Sam because he took the job out of state, even though I know it was a survival strategy. But still. I also felt homesick for what is familiar to me and known (and that was only spending four days at the new house and in the new town). I wish I had the personality where I felt excitement about this new beginning and all of that, but I just don't. It is part of my pessimistic nature, my age and all the loss that has just multipled the past years since my husband died. Is it possible for people experiencing grief to turn on a switch within to feel positive and upbeat about the changes they are facing, including the unknown? I personally just don't think grief, loss and change are a compatible combination.
I couldn't see the highway well because of the wind and drifting snow and it was so dark. All of us out on the road were only going 45 mph and the limit is 70. It was also the first snow of the season and so I wasn't that confident about my winter driving skills since they've been shelved the past eight months. But we got there in one piece.
Tue. school was canceled, as well as Wed. and Thur. So much for trying to get the boys there. Our town received over 12 inches of snow. Back home in Illinois, there were no school cancellations but I don't think they got the same amount of snow or the blizzard conditions to go along with the storm.
The boys behaved okay while at home. Sam was off on Thursday and home early another day because of the weather. Except for my youngest refusing to get out with us on Thur. to go to Walmart, there were no incidents.
I felt depressed, despondent and down (DDD) most of the time. I'd forgotten hair conditioner as well as my hair dryer so I said forget it to showering a couple days and even stayed in my pjs all day on Tuesday. I read and did some knitting (halfheartedly). We have never had Cable and on Tue. I spent the entire afternoon watching a Discovery Chanel program about ghosts that aired three episodes in a row. Then there was a program about some ghost busters going around the country and visiting the most haunted sites. Another day, all of us watched a quirky sci-fi monster film called Tremors starring of all people, Reba McIntyre.
Some of the DDD might have had to do with the weather. I absolutely hate the winter and cold and snow and dark. Plus we are in a home where there isn't much there that is ours so we are lacking what is familiar to us in terms of possessions. Then it is the holdiays and it is sad to not be able to decorate (since all my decorations are somewhere in a storage shed), or to have money to spend on gifts and good food. I spent a lot of time sleeping too, although I hope I can pass this off as making up for all the sleep I've lost over the past years.
Today the boys went to school but I had to deal with transferring records from the old school and doing so made me very dejected. I spent the morning in bed reading and was not motivated to get up and do anything like wash dishes and go through the large bag of old mail I'd brought with me. I needed to do some shoveling so we could get the van out of the garage and getting out into the cold sunshine and doing something physical felt good.
We took off for home for the weekend right after school since my last day at the big box store is tomorrow and my oldest is going to the Bears/Packers game this Sunday - the tickets were his birthday gift from his girlfriend. My youngest was snippy and negative the ride home. By the way, we saw 30 cars and trucks in the ditches within a 20 mile stretch of highway and 12 more after that - and this is two days after the storm! As we got closer to home my resistence to the move started to give way and I found myself questioning whether it really is in our best interests to move. So in addition to feeling BBB, now I am grappling with whether I should do my best to stay here, even though finances will be exceedingly tight. Both boys feel they are ruined scholastically since most of their credits won't transfer from their old school to the new one and all the work they have done this year will be wasted. They also feel very behind and frustrated with their new classes since they came in at such an odd time.
Enough of all this. I am weary and bone tired even though this week I didn't do much of anything. My head is spinning and I just want to go to bed. I spent a lot of my time thinking about the boys this week and my heart is breaking for the hardships they have had to endure. If only we could have made it until they'd finished high school. I am very angry at my husband dying when he did. We have suffered more than enough! Change is hard enough under better circumstances but coming off of so much grief and loss, it is hard for my sons and I to be positive about this move. I found myself feeling irritated and mad at Sam because he took the job out of state, even though I know it was a survival strategy. But still. I also felt homesick for what is familiar to me and known (and that was only spending four days at the new house and in the new town). I wish I had the personality where I felt excitement about this new beginning and all of that, but I just don't. It is part of my pessimistic nature, my age and all the loss that has just multipled the past years since my husband died. Is it possible for people experiencing grief to turn on a switch within to feel positive and upbeat about the changes they are facing, including the unknown? I personally just don't think grief, loss and change are a compatible combination.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Enough is Enough!
The light bulb has gone off in my head that the past couple years of self-flogging, berating, beating up on and blaming myself for the divorce are pointless and futile. I have certainly suffered, well beyond the realm of what could be considered normal or appropriate. Enough is enough! All I am really guilty of is wanting to be in another relationship that made me whole again after my husband's death. I had the courage to take a chance at love again. It sadly didn't last. I am not the first woman, nor the last who will become widowed or divorced and then get back out there on the horse only to be thrown off it.
All this wasted energy of taking the sole blame for the divorce. Believing it was all my fault. Even when as a counselor I know that it is never because of one person - it is always a mix of how a couple interacted. One partner may want to believe it was all because of the other but their behavior, values and shortcomings had a role in the story too.
So much of all of this internalized anger against myself is coming to the surface. I am sure it would not have simmered and brewed so long if Husband #2 and I had had more opportunities to talk. But his cutting me off from doing so was a way to insulate himself from accepting any responsibility for what happened. It allowed him to make a clean break and go back to his neat and tidy life without any regard for what happened to the little family he threw away.
As we continued to plunge to the ground financially and in having to sell the house, my beliefs that I was a terrible person seemed justified. This has been a damaging and awful mindset to have. It has been there underneath the surface invisible to others but always at work tearing me down and making me miserable despite the outer image I present to the world.
As do many people who have been abandoned/dumped, I put Husband #2 on some sort of pedestal. Believing to some extent that if I didn't rock the boat and reveal my true feelings that he would come back to me. I also struggle with issues of childhood neglect and so a part of all of this has included internalized fantasies of having the one most closest to me who wounded me, recognize the error of his ways, do a complete about face and return to my life to rescue, save and protect me. How can that ever materialize when the guy is unable to have a healthy emotional connection with his partner in the first place, much less be able to communicate on an intimate and honest level?
I would like to relate to Husband #2 that what hurt me most was that his refusal to speak with me, offer explanations of why he divorced me and even say goodbye to me or the boys made me feel like I was inhuman. That has cut me to the core and damaged me beyond measure. People who are kind and nice do not disrespect those they married (or anyone for that matter). My divorce attorney and the mediator did not justify his behavior but they explained it by saying a lot of people become very mean-spirited and ugly during divorce proceedings. I don't find that an acceptable excuse. As someone who stood loyally by her husband's side until he took his last breath after three long years of fighting a horrendous illness, this behavior will never make sense. All of us deserve compassion and dignity. He knew what I had gone through before he married me. No one put a gun to his head at the alter. If you want a divorce in this country you can get one. He was going to get that - there was no reason to rub salt into wounds already raw, ragged and bleeding.
I'd like to hope that people undergoing life transitions learn, grow and develop into better people than they were before the trials met them. But that isn't accomplished by closing the door to self-reflection and communication. It is very difficult to look at a situation and accept your responsibility within it. God knows, I am not lily white. But I do know that I did not intentionally try to cause harm and pain to others. Most of my errors were those of omission. I didn't realize some of the problems because I was too busy beating down the flames of the fires that had to be put out. Nor did Husband #2 ever really communicate to me the deep level of his discontented feelings.
It wasn't all my fault. I am not a terrible, undeserving person because this marriage failed. I wanted to work at it and wasn't given a chance. I hadn't given up on the love I felt. To be sure, this marriage set me back emotionally. In the end, it brought me all the way back to my childhood 45 years earlier. Who would ever have thought that on that gorgeous evening Husband #2 and I took our vows? Both of our childhood baggage has been at play within our relationship. I deeply regret that it wasn't possible for both of us to cling to one another throughout the storm and make it to the other side. That is what a marriage is all about. It would have been a glorious moment when both of us had stepped out from storm into the sunshine hand and hand together, instead of me doing so on my own.
All this wasted energy of taking the sole blame for the divorce. Believing it was all my fault. Even when as a counselor I know that it is never because of one person - it is always a mix of how a couple interacted. One partner may want to believe it was all because of the other but their behavior, values and shortcomings had a role in the story too.
So much of all of this internalized anger against myself is coming to the surface. I am sure it would not have simmered and brewed so long if Husband #2 and I had had more opportunities to talk. But his cutting me off from doing so was a way to insulate himself from accepting any responsibility for what happened. It allowed him to make a clean break and go back to his neat and tidy life without any regard for what happened to the little family he threw away.
As we continued to plunge to the ground financially and in having to sell the house, my beliefs that I was a terrible person seemed justified. This has been a damaging and awful mindset to have. It has been there underneath the surface invisible to others but always at work tearing me down and making me miserable despite the outer image I present to the world.
As do many people who have been abandoned/dumped, I put Husband #2 on some sort of pedestal. Believing to some extent that if I didn't rock the boat and reveal my true feelings that he would come back to me. I also struggle with issues of childhood neglect and so a part of all of this has included internalized fantasies of having the one most closest to me who wounded me, recognize the error of his ways, do a complete about face and return to my life to rescue, save and protect me. How can that ever materialize when the guy is unable to have a healthy emotional connection with his partner in the first place, much less be able to communicate on an intimate and honest level?
I would like to relate to Husband #2 that what hurt me most was that his refusal to speak with me, offer explanations of why he divorced me and even say goodbye to me or the boys made me feel like I was inhuman. That has cut me to the core and damaged me beyond measure. People who are kind and nice do not disrespect those they married (or anyone for that matter). My divorce attorney and the mediator did not justify his behavior but they explained it by saying a lot of people become very mean-spirited and ugly during divorce proceedings. I don't find that an acceptable excuse. As someone who stood loyally by her husband's side until he took his last breath after three long years of fighting a horrendous illness, this behavior will never make sense. All of us deserve compassion and dignity. He knew what I had gone through before he married me. No one put a gun to his head at the alter. If you want a divorce in this country you can get one. He was going to get that - there was no reason to rub salt into wounds already raw, ragged and bleeding.
I'd like to hope that people undergoing life transitions learn, grow and develop into better people than they were before the trials met them. But that isn't accomplished by closing the door to self-reflection and communication. It is very difficult to look at a situation and accept your responsibility within it. God knows, I am not lily white. But I do know that I did not intentionally try to cause harm and pain to others. Most of my errors were those of omission. I didn't realize some of the problems because I was too busy beating down the flames of the fires that had to be put out. Nor did Husband #2 ever really communicate to me the deep level of his discontented feelings.
It wasn't all my fault. I am not a terrible, undeserving person because this marriage failed. I wanted to work at it and wasn't given a chance. I hadn't given up on the love I felt. To be sure, this marriage set me back emotionally. In the end, it brought me all the way back to my childhood 45 years earlier. Who would ever have thought that on that gorgeous evening Husband #2 and I took our vows? Both of our childhood baggage has been at play within our relationship. I deeply regret that it wasn't possible for both of us to cling to one another throughout the storm and make it to the other side. That is what a marriage is all about. It would have been a glorious moment when both of us had stepped out from storm into the sunshine hand and hand together, instead of me doing so on my own.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
New Self-Image
I started referring and identifying myself as Middle in the Widow shortly after my husband died. I was picking produce from an apple bin when my hand brushed past that of an elderly woman shopping in the store with a group of residents from a nearby retirement facility. It struck me then as I observed the prominent veins in her hand that she was most likely a widow. And so was I. But so much younger. Still, I was not like a very young widow with babies to raise on my own. I was right smack dab in the middle of widowhood. A middle-aged widow, a widow in the middle. This title seemed an apt and appropriate way for me to describe and identify myself.
Since that time, six years ago, I've added to my identity by remarrying and then going through the excruciating experience of divorce. Even when I was married, a large part of me continued to identify with my widowhood. I looked upon myself as a remarried widow. There wasn't much opportunity for me to live a new life as a remarried, formerly widowed, middle-aged soccer mom. Because of my parent's illnesses I never moved to live with my new husband and he and I had a long-distance marriage - he stayed with us on the weekends and the boys and I spent holidays and school vacations with him.
When I started this blog I identified with myself as more strongly a widow. But things have become more complicated for me as I have worked to also heal from the divorce. There are these differing grief forces working beside themselves. One involves the death of my husband, another involves the divorce and the feelings of abandonment that resulted. Sometimes I need to focus and write about one or the other. Sometimes both sets of grief are combined. It has been a unique experience to say the least, posting about both events in my life and trying to go forward and make some sort of sense or reach some kind of closure/understanding to all that has happened. Then the old family stuff comes up too rearing its ugly head in between all of the newer stuff to process and deal with.
It is also weird to sometimes feel as though I am an old pro at widowhood since it has been six years, but then to feel all the emotions of being a new widow, especially if I am all caught up in the more recent divorce. I have also come to realize that some of the healing I needed to attend to regarding my husband's death got pushed to the back burner because the unresolved abuse and neglect from my childhood that took center stage shortly after he died.
When my parents were ill and we were handling their affairs, all kinds of long buried ghosts came to the surface. I personally had a very difficult time with all of this new turbulence, probably because I was still raw from my husband's death. I did not have the insight or strength to say no to helping my parents in the ways I did. I did what I thought I should do, the ever dutiful daughter to my mom. But at a great price to pay. I did not take care of myself or my children adequately or fairly. And my new husband was less than understanding or patient. I was having trouble managing and handling my own life and at times it was insane caring for my mother. There was a great deal of sacrifice and heartache surrounding this time.
All of these events have swirled around and around separately and then mixed together until they've represented a yucky looking, unappetizing stew thrown together of left-overs. What a mess! If I could compose a photo of how all this grief and loss actually looks like to me this is what it would be.
Today my identity has shifted. It is a broader view than that original description of widowhood. Today I view myself as a survivor of childhood abuse, middle-aged widowhood and divorce. A survivor of many different kinds of grief, loss and challenges. I don't want this to sound like I am bragging or deserve some kind of extra sympathy. There are others out there who have faced greater losses and challenges than I could ever imagine. This place where I have now come to doesn't feel as gaping and insurmountable. It seems survivable. That constant bleeding wound finally is slowing down a bit from the bandages I have applied.
Since that time, six years ago, I've added to my identity by remarrying and then going through the excruciating experience of divorce. Even when I was married, a large part of me continued to identify with my widowhood. I looked upon myself as a remarried widow. There wasn't much opportunity for me to live a new life as a remarried, formerly widowed, middle-aged soccer mom. Because of my parent's illnesses I never moved to live with my new husband and he and I had a long-distance marriage - he stayed with us on the weekends and the boys and I spent holidays and school vacations with him.
When I started this blog I identified with myself as more strongly a widow. But things have become more complicated for me as I have worked to also heal from the divorce. There are these differing grief forces working beside themselves. One involves the death of my husband, another involves the divorce and the feelings of abandonment that resulted. Sometimes I need to focus and write about one or the other. Sometimes both sets of grief are combined. It has been a unique experience to say the least, posting about both events in my life and trying to go forward and make some sort of sense or reach some kind of closure/understanding to all that has happened. Then the old family stuff comes up too rearing its ugly head in between all of the newer stuff to process and deal with.
It is also weird to sometimes feel as though I am an old pro at widowhood since it has been six years, but then to feel all the emotions of being a new widow, especially if I am all caught up in the more recent divorce. I have also come to realize that some of the healing I needed to attend to regarding my husband's death got pushed to the back burner because the unresolved abuse and neglect from my childhood that took center stage shortly after he died.
When my parents were ill and we were handling their affairs, all kinds of long buried ghosts came to the surface. I personally had a very difficult time with all of this new turbulence, probably because I was still raw from my husband's death. I did not have the insight or strength to say no to helping my parents in the ways I did. I did what I thought I should do, the ever dutiful daughter to my mom. But at a great price to pay. I did not take care of myself or my children adequately or fairly. And my new husband was less than understanding or patient. I was having trouble managing and handling my own life and at times it was insane caring for my mother. There was a great deal of sacrifice and heartache surrounding this time.
All of these events have swirled around and around separately and then mixed together until they've represented a yucky looking, unappetizing stew thrown together of left-overs. What a mess! If I could compose a photo of how all this grief and loss actually looks like to me this is what it would be.
Today my identity has shifted. It is a broader view than that original description of widowhood. Today I view myself as a survivor of childhood abuse, middle-aged widowhood and divorce. A survivor of many different kinds of grief, loss and challenges. I don't want this to sound like I am bragging or deserve some kind of extra sympathy. There are others out there who have faced greater losses and challenges than I could ever imagine. This place where I have now come to doesn't feel as gaping and insurmountable. It seems survivable. That constant bleeding wound finally is slowing down a bit from the bandages I have applied.
I Had to Heal Myself First
In July, 2008 before hanging up on me, Husband #2 managed to bark out at that he had "refiled" the divorce he had originally filed six months prior. At that moment it was like being sucker punched in the gut when I was already on the ground writhing in pain. It was feeling more unbearable pain on top of all the existing pain. It was agonizing. I physically ached all over. At other points it felt as though someone had wrenched my heart out from my body. Needless to say, I was well aware that I had to get a job but could not imagine myself working in my field as a counselor. I lost about 20-25 pounds in a month or two, wasn't eating and could cry at the drop of a hat. The emotions surging inside me included anger, shame, rage, resentment, fury (and more fury), depression, betrayal, fear, intimidation, insignificance, powerlessness and abandonment/rejection. What is interesting is that the numbness some of us feel in the early grief period that shelters and shields us from the intense pain of a loved one dying gets bypassed when someone is dumped, rejected and/or abandoned. It seems as though the added feelings of anger/devastation keep those suffering from abandonment in this place of unremitting pain. This is all related to the neurotransmitters working inside our brains. But I guess the anger outwits the numbing effect our bodies are trying to give us as a gift.
Despite all those feelings, I had reached a point in my emotional growth where I refused to run after a man whose way of dealing with conflict included completely shutting out his spouse in order to protect his own fragile ego. I concentrated on forgiveness and understanding. I focused on love. I did my best to transcend the hurting of my soul. I also made the very deliberate and conscious decision of letting what was going to be, be. I was willing to see where the road would take me and not try and interfere by begging and pleading to change the situation to my will.
In those early months it was hard to concentrate and look toward the future. At one point, I was seeing my grief therapist a couple times a week - I don't think I could have functioned without those appointments. They were what held me together. I was living in a sort of twilight zone. With no communication from my husband I did not know what was going on and it was hard to plan and figure out what to do. I still hoped for a reconciliation - if we could just talk I'd be able to make it all better. But I refused to try and contact him. His habit of hanging up on me had done its damage and my pride came out. I wanted and needed a man who would have the decency and respect to talk to me. I was hoping he would reach out to me. I was also waiting to see him and talk in mediation.
By the time I was in a more stable place emotionally, the Recession had hit full force and I experienced extreme difficulty finding work. Face it. I was for all practical purposes a stay-at-home soccer mom who had not worked in her field for five years because she was caring for a dying spouse, child diagnosed with a serious medical condition and then her aged and ill parents. I felt incompetent, old, out-of date, and lost in the new world of finding jobs online. It did not help that the divorce wrecked havoc with my already fragile ego. I felt like a miserable failure too. How could I be a good counselor to others when I could barely handle my own life successfully?
Those feelings of failure and abandonment have been the most difficult to get through the past year and a half. That is also the piece that I have found to differ in the grieving process from being a widow compared to that of a divorcee. Having lived through both, my divorce was far more of a challenge for me to overcome than the death of my husband. Of course, it would seem as though a death is more significant. But those added feelings of being rejected have just fed and led to more feelings of being unworthy, tainted, a bad person, and so on.
Every loss we experience reactivates older losses, some of which occurred in our childhood and are not even remembered. Some of us have suffered more losses than others throughout our lives and therefore our grief process is more complicated. There is no time limit for working through grief. People get impatient when they consider someone's grief prolonged. It is a profoundly different experience for everyone. There are actual physical changes that go on in one's body during bereavement. I just read a fascinating explanation of how the chemicals react in one's body causing a person to either overeat or not eat. At times, both reactions are going on and fighting as to which will win out! Isn't that almost unbelievable? To feel famished but not want to eat at the same time? I take that back - nothing seems unbelievable in bereavement, right?
I just have such profound respect for everyone navigating this bereavement road. I am thinking about in particular all of us who have had to face the critics telling us to snap out of it and get on with our lives. It takes such courage to face those who don't know, realize they are wrong and then keep going with what has to be done, what is right for us. I felt such outrage at the divorce mediator who told me because I was such an "old hand" at grief I should be able to move past my sorrow over my divorce quickly, after all I'd had so much practice at it. This unknowing comment ate at me until I ended up calling my divorce attorney to complain and explain how her colleague's comment had impacted me. She agreed to talk to him about the matter when they next met. In the area of bereavement, practice does not make perfect. I have just found that added grief is a great burden and ends up hurting more. Or maybe it is that you are dealing with a lot of grief so that is what makes it feel like the pain is more.
I took the job at the big box store pretty convinced that I could not work in my field, at least for the time being. I wanted a job totally outside my caring/helping profession. As a counselor we are skilled at listening to our clients and then offering compassion, as well as suggestions and insights for healing/growth. It has always amazed me that Husband #2 could hurt me to my inner core by refusing to talk with me. As a counselor, communication is what is most vital to us. To have it ripped out of your system is unthinkable. As long as I have been able to communicate, I have been able to have a hold on my life and its outcome. Even when my first husband was in a coma, I was still able to speak the feelings from my heart. But Husband #2 took that away from me.
As I was driving home from a very wearying shift at the big box store last night the thought came out of my head that "I deserve to be loved." Today along that same theme, I have been thinking that I do not want to suffer anymore from all that transpired with Husband #2. I think all of this focus on Husband #2 has come from the emotions swirling around due to our move with Sam (GF). My youngest is being critical of me for not looking harder for a job. He wants me to try and tough it out here. All the feelings of self-loathing and beating myself down (which began in childhood) come flaring out. I try to ease the criticism by remembering those months of weight loss, fear, physical pain and utter torment. Yeah, right I say to myself. I was in good shape for job hunting. I was a complete mess. It is one thing to drag yourself to a job you've already had, quite another to have to look for a new one when you're suffering in the depths of grief. And then to have to hold the hands of your clients when you're in such bad shape yourself.
For what it is worth here is another idea. The way grief impacts us also has to do with our constitutional and emotional makeups. Some of us are better equipped to deal with adversity. Some of us can get through hardship on our own more easily, versus those of us who need a steadying presence to lean on. It is all so mixed up and confusing! Not to mention the constant ups and downs of going forward a bit and then backward a lot!
The death of my husband and the divorce that came so soon afterward cannot be erased from my life much as I'd sometimes like for that to be. It is a hard burden to carry those losses around with me everyday. But somehow, someway I am moving to a place where I want to stop hurting so much. That will be up to me to keep working toward. It can be a struggle on some days. For the first time, I am actively contemplating to work back in my counseling field again. And that appeared an impossibility a few years ago. And let me lay to rest the myth that a new relationship or marriage can erase the demons of grief/loss from within us. It doesn't work like that. Even if I soon remarry, the losses of two husband's cannot just magically cease to exist. I just hope that from now on into the future, the pain of these losses will lessen because more attention will be devoted to the present and future. I am the person I am today because of these losses but no longer want my future to be so defined by them.
Despite all those feelings, I had reached a point in my emotional growth where I refused to run after a man whose way of dealing with conflict included completely shutting out his spouse in order to protect his own fragile ego. I concentrated on forgiveness and understanding. I focused on love. I did my best to transcend the hurting of my soul. I also made the very deliberate and conscious decision of letting what was going to be, be. I was willing to see where the road would take me and not try and interfere by begging and pleading to change the situation to my will.
In those early months it was hard to concentrate and look toward the future. At one point, I was seeing my grief therapist a couple times a week - I don't think I could have functioned without those appointments. They were what held me together. I was living in a sort of twilight zone. With no communication from my husband I did not know what was going on and it was hard to plan and figure out what to do. I still hoped for a reconciliation - if we could just talk I'd be able to make it all better. But I refused to try and contact him. His habit of hanging up on me had done its damage and my pride came out. I wanted and needed a man who would have the decency and respect to talk to me. I was hoping he would reach out to me. I was also waiting to see him and talk in mediation.
By the time I was in a more stable place emotionally, the Recession had hit full force and I experienced extreme difficulty finding work. Face it. I was for all practical purposes a stay-at-home soccer mom who had not worked in her field for five years because she was caring for a dying spouse, child diagnosed with a serious medical condition and then her aged and ill parents. I felt incompetent, old, out-of date, and lost in the new world of finding jobs online. It did not help that the divorce wrecked havoc with my already fragile ego. I felt like a miserable failure too. How could I be a good counselor to others when I could barely handle my own life successfully?
Those feelings of failure and abandonment have been the most difficult to get through the past year and a half. That is also the piece that I have found to differ in the grieving process from being a widow compared to that of a divorcee. Having lived through both, my divorce was far more of a challenge for me to overcome than the death of my husband. Of course, it would seem as though a death is more significant. But those added feelings of being rejected have just fed and led to more feelings of being unworthy, tainted, a bad person, and so on.
Every loss we experience reactivates older losses, some of which occurred in our childhood and are not even remembered. Some of us have suffered more losses than others throughout our lives and therefore our grief process is more complicated. There is no time limit for working through grief. People get impatient when they consider someone's grief prolonged. It is a profoundly different experience for everyone. There are actual physical changes that go on in one's body during bereavement. I just read a fascinating explanation of how the chemicals react in one's body causing a person to either overeat or not eat. At times, both reactions are going on and fighting as to which will win out! Isn't that almost unbelievable? To feel famished but not want to eat at the same time? I take that back - nothing seems unbelievable in bereavement, right?
I just have such profound respect for everyone navigating this bereavement road. I am thinking about in particular all of us who have had to face the critics telling us to snap out of it and get on with our lives. It takes such courage to face those who don't know, realize they are wrong and then keep going with what has to be done, what is right for us. I felt such outrage at the divorce mediator who told me because I was such an "old hand" at grief I should be able to move past my sorrow over my divorce quickly, after all I'd had so much practice at it. This unknowing comment ate at me until I ended up calling my divorce attorney to complain and explain how her colleague's comment had impacted me. She agreed to talk to him about the matter when they next met. In the area of bereavement, practice does not make perfect. I have just found that added grief is a great burden and ends up hurting more. Or maybe it is that you are dealing with a lot of grief so that is what makes it feel like the pain is more.
I took the job at the big box store pretty convinced that I could not work in my field, at least for the time being. I wanted a job totally outside my caring/helping profession. As a counselor we are skilled at listening to our clients and then offering compassion, as well as suggestions and insights for healing/growth. It has always amazed me that Husband #2 could hurt me to my inner core by refusing to talk with me. As a counselor, communication is what is most vital to us. To have it ripped out of your system is unthinkable. As long as I have been able to communicate, I have been able to have a hold on my life and its outcome. Even when my first husband was in a coma, I was still able to speak the feelings from my heart. But Husband #2 took that away from me.
As I was driving home from a very wearying shift at the big box store last night the thought came out of my head that "I deserve to be loved." Today along that same theme, I have been thinking that I do not want to suffer anymore from all that transpired with Husband #2. I think all of this focus on Husband #2 has come from the emotions swirling around due to our move with Sam (GF). My youngest is being critical of me for not looking harder for a job. He wants me to try and tough it out here. All the feelings of self-loathing and beating myself down (which began in childhood) come flaring out. I try to ease the criticism by remembering those months of weight loss, fear, physical pain and utter torment. Yeah, right I say to myself. I was in good shape for job hunting. I was a complete mess. It is one thing to drag yourself to a job you've already had, quite another to have to look for a new one when you're suffering in the depths of grief. And then to have to hold the hands of your clients when you're in such bad shape yourself.
For what it is worth here is another idea. The way grief impacts us also has to do with our constitutional and emotional makeups. Some of us are better equipped to deal with adversity. Some of us can get through hardship on our own more easily, versus those of us who need a steadying presence to lean on. It is all so mixed up and confusing! Not to mention the constant ups and downs of going forward a bit and then backward a lot!
The death of my husband and the divorce that came so soon afterward cannot be erased from my life much as I'd sometimes like for that to be. It is a hard burden to carry those losses around with me everyday. But somehow, someway I am moving to a place where I want to stop hurting so much. That will be up to me to keep working toward. It can be a struggle on some days. For the first time, I am actively contemplating to work back in my counseling field again. And that appeared an impossibility a few years ago. And let me lay to rest the myth that a new relationship or marriage can erase the demons of grief/loss from within us. It doesn't work like that. Even if I soon remarry, the losses of two husband's cannot just magically cease to exist. I just hope that from now on into the future, the pain of these losses will lessen because more attention will be devoted to the present and future. I am the person I am today because of these losses but no longer want my future to be so defined by them.
Friday, December 4, 2009
If Her Husband Hadn't Died...
I wanted this blog to tell the story of a woman who wouldn't be writing it, if her husband hadn't died.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not be sitting in this apartment having had to sell her home for virtually no profit 2 1/2 months ago.
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have married the man who ended up devastating her emotionally and financially.
If her husband hadn't died, she wouldn't be so careworn and exhausted.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would almost certainly have better grades and be more adjusted (and happier and less troubled).
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have left her part-time counseling job with the county.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not have gone six long years without any kind of vacation (even a mini weekend getaway).
If her husband hadn't died, the vast majority of the household goods owned by the family would not be sitting in two extremely untidy storage units.
If her husband hadn't died, a small family would not currently be on the brink of losing everything.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would not be celebrating Christmas for the second year in a row without receiving presents.
If her husband hadn't died, there would not have been the financial struggle that has existed and which just worsened with the divorce and Recession.
If her husband hadn't died, this woman would not have had to go looking for another partner with whom to share her life since she wants to be with someone. Happy dating in the land of middle-age flab, sags, grey hair and wrinkles! Not to mention financial and ex-spouse baggage. And all the drama that goes with the kids. Whoo hoo! It is time to party! Oh and then there is all the fun worrying about STDs.
If her husband hadn't died, life would not have been the challenge it has been the past six long years.
This is not some joke or fiction. It is all real and I do my best to convey what is happening in my life honestly. Why? Maybe it will end up helping someone along the way. Maybe my tale will let others know that grief doesn't stop after the first year. And for some of us, the secondary losses of financial hardship, divorce after remarriage and only parenting take a far greater toll than the actual death of our spouses. I hope maybe to somehow get through that women like me fall through the cracks because we don't qualify for any financial assistance but that what we earn on our own isn't enough to raise the children that were left behind for us to bring up on our own. I hope to depict that it is a very hard and lonely road for some of us to stumble along everyday.
New challenges abound. If we remarry and move, how will that impact our kids? What about the kids who have led a less than stable life in their formative years? How screwed up will mine be having been rejected by their mom's second husband so soon after their beloved Dad died? Everyone says kids are resilient and will come out just fine. But I'm not sure I believe that anymore. No one seems to remember the kids or the widow after the first few months. But where was the magic wand that was supposed to be waved to have made it all better? Do people honestly think that with the passage of time everything just turns out? It doesn't for some of us, nor is being an only parent the best thing for kids. They need and deserve to be raised in a family or at least within a loving network that provides support to the widow/widower and the kids. But for some of us without much family, our lives become isolated and we parent on our own out of necessity. It is a very hard job to undertake. No one sees the underlying stress and strain that results from this relentless job.
It snowed this morning and here again comes my greatest fear of the winter - that I will fall and break a leg and there will be no one to assist me with the kids or my recovery. I will myself not to get sick every year because I cannot afford to.
I wish I were not this woman whose husband died and that the following years had not led us to this point. I wish you had all gotten to know the woman I was before stress and strain left me jaded and pessimistic and so down all the time. I wish this were not my real life and I was just making all this up!
If My husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen, all of the crazy events of the past years would have never happened and I would just be a normal, middle-aged soccer mom who had never even thought of the screen name Widow-in-the-Middle. Tonight I just so wish I was that normal, middle-aged mom. I want to pretend that I am for a little while.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not be sitting in this apartment having had to sell her home for virtually no profit 2 1/2 months ago.
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have married the man who ended up devastating her emotionally and financially.
If her husband hadn't died, she wouldn't be so careworn and exhausted.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would almost certainly have better grades and be more adjusted (and happier and less troubled).
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have left her part-time counseling job with the county.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not have gone six long years without any kind of vacation (even a mini weekend getaway).
If her husband hadn't died, the vast majority of the household goods owned by the family would not be sitting in two extremely untidy storage units.
If her husband hadn't died, a small family would not currently be on the brink of losing everything.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would not be celebrating Christmas for the second year in a row without receiving presents.
If her husband hadn't died, there would not have been the financial struggle that has existed and which just worsened with the divorce and Recession.
If her husband hadn't died, this woman would not have had to go looking for another partner with whom to share her life since she wants to be with someone. Happy dating in the land of middle-age flab, sags, grey hair and wrinkles! Not to mention financial and ex-spouse baggage. And all the drama that goes with the kids. Whoo hoo! It is time to party! Oh and then there is all the fun worrying about STDs.
If her husband hadn't died, life would not have been the challenge it has been the past six long years.
This is not some joke or fiction. It is all real and I do my best to convey what is happening in my life honestly. Why? Maybe it will end up helping someone along the way. Maybe my tale will let others know that grief doesn't stop after the first year. And for some of us, the secondary losses of financial hardship, divorce after remarriage and only parenting take a far greater toll than the actual death of our spouses. I hope maybe to somehow get through that women like me fall through the cracks because we don't qualify for any financial assistance but that what we earn on our own isn't enough to raise the children that were left behind for us to bring up on our own. I hope to depict that it is a very hard and lonely road for some of us to stumble along everyday.
New challenges abound. If we remarry and move, how will that impact our kids? What about the kids who have led a less than stable life in their formative years? How screwed up will mine be having been rejected by their mom's second husband so soon after their beloved Dad died? Everyone says kids are resilient and will come out just fine. But I'm not sure I believe that anymore. No one seems to remember the kids or the widow after the first few months. But where was the magic wand that was supposed to be waved to have made it all better? Do people honestly think that with the passage of time everything just turns out? It doesn't for some of us, nor is being an only parent the best thing for kids. They need and deserve to be raised in a family or at least within a loving network that provides support to the widow/widower and the kids. But for some of us without much family, our lives become isolated and we parent on our own out of necessity. It is a very hard job to undertake. No one sees the underlying stress and strain that results from this relentless job.
It snowed this morning and here again comes my greatest fear of the winter - that I will fall and break a leg and there will be no one to assist me with the kids or my recovery. I will myself not to get sick every year because I cannot afford to.
I wish I were not this woman whose husband died and that the following years had not led us to this point. I wish you had all gotten to know the woman I was before stress and strain left me jaded and pessimistic and so down all the time. I wish this were not my real life and I was just making all this up!
If My husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen, all of the crazy events of the past years would have never happened and I would just be a normal, middle-aged soccer mom who had never even thought of the screen name Widow-in-the-Middle. Tonight I just so wish I was that normal, middle-aged mom. I want to pretend that I am for a little while.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Burdened by Burdens
A big reason I started to post and continue to do so was to illustrate the life of a widow burdened by burdens in addition to grief after the death of a spouse - financial hardship, divorce after widowhood, lack of family support, illness and the death of other family members, having to move from one's long-time suburban home into a box (apartment), losing one's socioeconomic status and having to continue to raise children as an only parent, as well as weather the storms of daily life (big thunderstorms and milder sprinkles).
I've experienced a slew of losses in a small amount of time and it has been very difficult for me to pick up the pieces and get my feet back on the ground. I have struggled. It would have been hard enough to just have been a widow. Most of the losses that followed my husband's death were flukes of timing and circumstances - all the events involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's eventual death and the selling of their home. To add insult to injury, just a week after my Mom's death a high level tornado stormed by my home and I was left with extensive yard damage to clean up. I mention that incident because the past six years it has been like that. One crazy thing happening directly after another. One hard situation would end to only be replaced by another. Let me tell you, it is not easy to focus on a ravaged yard when you're grieving your Mom on your own as a relatively new widow yourself.
I wanted to convey that for some of us, the losses coming after the first strike of death were far more difficult to survive.
I wanted to depict that life is fragile - one moment you can be a middle-class suburban soccer mom living a comfortable lifestyle to wake up the next day and have that familiar reality ripped from you.
I wanted to grapple with the reality of life not being fair - that you can be a good, kind, decent person and still have to face more hardship than what others seem to have to face.
I wanted to tell my story to prove that for some of us struck by poverty, it is not because we're uneducated, drug using criminals. Some of us are intelligent with even advanced degrees. But we're struck down by ill-timed circumstances and flukes of fate.
I hoped to illustrate discrepancies in our country's social services network that is supposed to help our citizens in need. I've related having to go to a food bank and apply for services such as food stamps and my state's health insurance program. Problem is, I am not eligible for any services. The economic criteria used to calculate assistance is out-of-date and no longer applicable. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow to live in the greatest nation in the world and to have fallen on hard times. Because there are some of us who will slip through the cracks and not receive assistance. The state considers my pension of $2,200.00 monthly too much to qualify for any kind of benefit. Yet, I think most of us can plainly recognize that this amount is not enough for one person, let alone three to live on. After not being able to find full-time work in my field because I've been out of the work force, as well as the Recession, I've had to go back to school just to be able to get my foot in the door and get a job with benefits.
I hoped that in maybe sharing my story, readers would ultimately be less judgmental toward others, in particular those in financial crisis.
I hoped to show that grief and loss is so far reaching. It can start out as a single domino and quickly crescendo out of control as the others in the row start toppling.
And more than anything, I wanted to share that going on living as a widow, on one's own can be the most difficult challenge to have to face. It is kind of like a never-ending circle. You're facing hardship because of the loss but then you have even more made harder because you're on your own. It just keeps going on and on and the dominoes continue to fall.
I've experienced a slew of losses in a small amount of time and it has been very difficult for me to pick up the pieces and get my feet back on the ground. I have struggled. It would have been hard enough to just have been a widow. Most of the losses that followed my husband's death were flukes of timing and circumstances - all the events involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's eventual death and the selling of their home. To add insult to injury, just a week after my Mom's death a high level tornado stormed by my home and I was left with extensive yard damage to clean up. I mention that incident because the past six years it has been like that. One crazy thing happening directly after another. One hard situation would end to only be replaced by another. Let me tell you, it is not easy to focus on a ravaged yard when you're grieving your Mom on your own as a relatively new widow yourself.
I wanted to convey that for some of us, the losses coming after the first strike of death were far more difficult to survive.
I wanted to depict that life is fragile - one moment you can be a middle-class suburban soccer mom living a comfortable lifestyle to wake up the next day and have that familiar reality ripped from you.
I wanted to grapple with the reality of life not being fair - that you can be a good, kind, decent person and still have to face more hardship than what others seem to have to face.
I wanted to tell my story to prove that for some of us struck by poverty, it is not because we're uneducated, drug using criminals. Some of us are intelligent with even advanced degrees. But we're struck down by ill-timed circumstances and flukes of fate.
I hoped to illustrate discrepancies in our country's social services network that is supposed to help our citizens in need. I've related having to go to a food bank and apply for services such as food stamps and my state's health insurance program. Problem is, I am not eligible for any services. The economic criteria used to calculate assistance is out-of-date and no longer applicable. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow to live in the greatest nation in the world and to have fallen on hard times. Because there are some of us who will slip through the cracks and not receive assistance. The state considers my pension of $2,200.00 monthly too much to qualify for any kind of benefit. Yet, I think most of us can plainly recognize that this amount is not enough for one person, let alone three to live on. After not being able to find full-time work in my field because I've been out of the work force, as well as the Recession, I've had to go back to school just to be able to get my foot in the door and get a job with benefits.
I hoped that in maybe sharing my story, readers would ultimately be less judgmental toward others, in particular those in financial crisis.
I hoped to show that grief and loss is so far reaching. It can start out as a single domino and quickly crescendo out of control as the others in the row start toppling.
And more than anything, I wanted to share that going on living as a widow, on one's own can be the most difficult challenge to have to face. It is kind of like a never-ending circle. You're facing hardship because of the loss but then you have even more made harder because you're on your own. It just keeps going on and on and the dominoes continue to fall.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sixth Anniversary
Today is the sixth Anniversary of my husband's death. I have never written about it because at the time of his death we didn't even have a home computer. He used a computer at his job and I did the same. My kids were young enough to use the computer at their school as well. Boy, has a lot changed in those six years!
My husband and I did not have cable (we still don't) because we weren't at home enough for it to be worth the cost. We coached our sons together for many years - baseball and soccer. He sang semi-professionally in fine arts groups and I volunteered in the community, as well as the boys' school. We had such an active and full life together. I would say that is was very rewarding. We felt that we accomplished good things for the world. He taught - I counseled. We gave back. And we still had time to pursue some of our own interests. It was a pretty balanced life.
Blogging has been a bit of a strange experience for me because I have been widowed for awhile. Yet I never really had an opportunity to do the necessary grief work after his death. Life just went forward too quickly and presented us with way too many curve balls. It is funny because the divorce with Husband #2 plunged me right back into grief mode - and in actuality, maybe I had never left it. Anyway, when I post I find it sometimes a little bizarre because although I am not a new widow, many of my feelings are those of one. In certain ways I am a seasoned widow but at the same time a novice one. Evidence that the grief journey is so unique to us all. Certainly not one-size-fits-all!
Today there is a break in the rain and I am going to work at the storage shed. While there, I hope to have some time to contemplate about this day. I'll see what I come up with and where my heart and feelings lead me. This will be the first time that I have done that.
My husband and I did not have cable (we still don't) because we weren't at home enough for it to be worth the cost. We coached our sons together for many years - baseball and soccer. He sang semi-professionally in fine arts groups and I volunteered in the community, as well as the boys' school. We had such an active and full life together. I would say that is was very rewarding. We felt that we accomplished good things for the world. He taught - I counseled. We gave back. And we still had time to pursue some of our own interests. It was a pretty balanced life.
Blogging has been a bit of a strange experience for me because I have been widowed for awhile. Yet I never really had an opportunity to do the necessary grief work after his death. Life just went forward too quickly and presented us with way too many curve balls. It is funny because the divorce with Husband #2 plunged me right back into grief mode - and in actuality, maybe I had never left it. Anyway, when I post I find it sometimes a little bizarre because although I am not a new widow, many of my feelings are those of one. In certain ways I am a seasoned widow but at the same time a novice one. Evidence that the grief journey is so unique to us all. Certainly not one-size-fits-all!
Today there is a break in the rain and I am going to work at the storage shed. While there, I hope to have some time to contemplate about this day. I'll see what I come up with and where my heart and feelings lead me. This will be the first time that I have done that.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Reflections & Realizations
Some of the realizations I have been recently experiencing relate to the issues of complicated bereavement and how grief does not just vanish after the first year or with a marriage proposal. Each loss builds upon previous losses - that is one of the reasons I am so hesitant to transfer the boys out of this community and their high school. Our grief journey has been full of numerous losses and disappointments. These boys had a stepfather who talked the talk but didn't even have the decency to say goodbye to them. There's another loss and really abandonment. The financial struggles and having to leave our home are another.
Also, are there limits to what a person can experience? When does another loss become the one that breaks your back when you've had so many? I mention this because all grief and loss is hard. But those of us struggling financially without supportive family have different challenges to bear than those who don't have the same circumstances.
I guess what I am trying to articulate is that it is just not so easy to fully recover and move forward after such losses. Hollywood makes it look a lot easier and smoother than it is. And, I truly believe that the general population and especially those who haven't experienced much hardship do not realize all the complications resulting from the death of a significant other.
Maybe times are changing. Maybe people losing their jobs and homes with the Recession will result in some good by increasing the general public's overall compassion and understanding for others. Maybe that can extend out into the universe so we all become more tolerant and loving to all of humanity. Nice thought...
Also, are there limits to what a person can experience? When does another loss become the one that breaks your back when you've had so many? I mention this because all grief and loss is hard. But those of us struggling financially without supportive family have different challenges to bear than those who don't have the same circumstances.
I guess what I am trying to articulate is that it is just not so easy to fully recover and move forward after such losses. Hollywood makes it look a lot easier and smoother than it is. And, I truly believe that the general population and especially those who haven't experienced much hardship do not realize all the complications resulting from the death of a significant other.
Maybe times are changing. Maybe people losing their jobs and homes with the Recession will result in some good by increasing the general public's overall compassion and understanding for others. Maybe that can extend out into the universe so we all become more tolerant and loving to all of humanity. Nice thought...
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ramblings
What a horribly depressing, selfish, poor pity me post yesterday. It was a good thing I drove my son to club volleyball in the evening. It is held in the town next to us but a good half hour away. Since it was raining, I did not want my son to drive the van so late (practice ended at 10:00 p.m.). It is also where my dad lives in his facility. So after dropping my son off, I spent some time with my father watching him play cards. Then there was a little time left to pop into Borders where I browsed the craft books, new calendars and self-help section.
I am always drawn to the books about self-actualization and the Law of Attraction. Basically, the theory presented in them is that I have created the current life I am living by the thoughts I've had because like energy attracts like energy. In regard to my financial crisis, I should not be reflecting/referring to my debt and bills. Rather, I should be thinking such thoughts as "My prosperity will be increasing soon" and "My life will be improving," etc. A lot of positive self-visualization stuff too.
I do have to say that after flipping through some of these books I was somewhat inspired and my mood improved a little. But I just struggle with these concepts overall. They trouble me. Because I believe (and this is also based on experience) that there are times when life is or seems impossible to manage/get through/tolerate/survive. Certainly people affected by natural disasters did not wish or think them upon themselves. Surely I never wanted my husband to die and thinking such thoughts led him to the cancer. Isn't it irresponsible of me to stop focusing on the financial setbacks of my life right now? How can I not think of them if they are such a significant aspect of how we are living?
I actually think the books I was looking at last night are written for those people lucky enough to be only worried about what to make for dinner or where to go on vacation. I need a meatier book that deals with real catastrophe and problems. Like dealing with the financial aftermath of your husband's death when there wasn't sufficient life insurance to cover the bills. Or, for any middle-aged folks out there having to grapple with the current unemployment nightmare, or loss from divorce.
There are problems in life and then there are real problems. I should have hit the grief/loss section to see what new books are out on the topic. Mine are all six years old. Have they come up with any new theories about managing and living with heartache?
The reason all these new age book ideas perplex me is that they are all full of nice ideas in theory - but they never explain how to get from point A to point B. I would surely like to think more positive and optimistic thoughts but when you are in survival mode just trying to figure out how to feed the kids, it is not so easy.
I decided to create another Blog titled "Plunged into Poverty." I think for me at least, that my grief/loss journey has been complicated by other issues besides the death of my husband. It gets difficult to sometimes separate the differing aspects of my grief. So I figure maybe it would be easier to have a blog just for the grief/loss feelings related to death and relationships and then one in which I can describe the financial burdens going on. Anyway, it is just an idea for now. I'll try it out and see how it goes.
I once told my therapist that it is hard enough just trying to get by as a widow. Having to cope with the other losses has just put me over the top. I also find a certain weariness that has settled in from my having been widowed a number of years now. True, I was remarried for two of the six years following my husband's death. But we weren't living together and the eventual divorce probably had more of a negative impact on me than my husband dying. It pretty much took the wind out of my sails to have to suffer such a loss so closely following my husband's death. In a way, I feel more suspect and wary of the world than I ever have! Talk about getting kicked when you're down. I also just recently read that the older you are, the harder it is to bounce back from life's curveballs.
A woman who responded to one of my posts put it very astutely when she said that the grief doesn't really go away with time - rather it just gets different. And I am also realizing that part of my personal challenge in facing all of this, comes from not having a great deal of support to rely on. Going this road alone has been exceedingly challenging for me, as well as a source of continual sadness. In getting to know more about myself as I face these life challenges, I am aware that I need a partner on this life road. I need someone to lean on. I want someone to lean on me. I want to share a bed with a man. I want to cook for a family again and to deal with all the conflict and stress that living with another person entails. I have not done well on my own. But I don't want to get down on myself for that. It is who I am and I'm trying to acknowledge that.
So where have all these rambling thoughts taken and led me?
1. I need a vacation. I need to go somewhere by myself to reflect and have time to devote to just me.
2. I need to somehow figure out how to balance the grief of the past with hope for the future. That truly seems to be the key in all of this. Maybe if I can figure that out I'll be able to write my own self-help book.
I am always drawn to the books about self-actualization and the Law of Attraction. Basically, the theory presented in them is that I have created the current life I am living by the thoughts I've had because like energy attracts like energy. In regard to my financial crisis, I should not be reflecting/referring to my debt and bills. Rather, I should be thinking such thoughts as "My prosperity will be increasing soon" and "My life will be improving," etc. A lot of positive self-visualization stuff too.
I do have to say that after flipping through some of these books I was somewhat inspired and my mood improved a little. But I just struggle with these concepts overall. They trouble me. Because I believe (and this is also based on experience) that there are times when life is or seems impossible to manage/get through/tolerate/survive. Certainly people affected by natural disasters did not wish or think them upon themselves. Surely I never wanted my husband to die and thinking such thoughts led him to the cancer. Isn't it irresponsible of me to stop focusing on the financial setbacks of my life right now? How can I not think of them if they are such a significant aspect of how we are living?
I actually think the books I was looking at last night are written for those people lucky enough to be only worried about what to make for dinner or where to go on vacation. I need a meatier book that deals with real catastrophe and problems. Like dealing with the financial aftermath of your husband's death when there wasn't sufficient life insurance to cover the bills. Or, for any middle-aged folks out there having to grapple with the current unemployment nightmare, or loss from divorce.
There are problems in life and then there are real problems. I should have hit the grief/loss section to see what new books are out on the topic. Mine are all six years old. Have they come up with any new theories about managing and living with heartache?
The reason all these new age book ideas perplex me is that they are all full of nice ideas in theory - but they never explain how to get from point A to point B. I would surely like to think more positive and optimistic thoughts but when you are in survival mode just trying to figure out how to feed the kids, it is not so easy.
I decided to create another Blog titled "Plunged into Poverty." I think for me at least, that my grief/loss journey has been complicated by other issues besides the death of my husband. It gets difficult to sometimes separate the differing aspects of my grief. So I figure maybe it would be easier to have a blog just for the grief/loss feelings related to death and relationships and then one in which I can describe the financial burdens going on. Anyway, it is just an idea for now. I'll try it out and see how it goes.
I once told my therapist that it is hard enough just trying to get by as a widow. Having to cope with the other losses has just put me over the top. I also find a certain weariness that has settled in from my having been widowed a number of years now. True, I was remarried for two of the six years following my husband's death. But we weren't living together and the eventual divorce probably had more of a negative impact on me than my husband dying. It pretty much took the wind out of my sails to have to suffer such a loss so closely following my husband's death. In a way, I feel more suspect and wary of the world than I ever have! Talk about getting kicked when you're down. I also just recently read that the older you are, the harder it is to bounce back from life's curveballs.
A woman who responded to one of my posts put it very astutely when she said that the grief doesn't really go away with time - rather it just gets different. And I am also realizing that part of my personal challenge in facing all of this, comes from not having a great deal of support to rely on. Going this road alone has been exceedingly challenging for me, as well as a source of continual sadness. In getting to know more about myself as I face these life challenges, I am aware that I need a partner on this life road. I need someone to lean on. I want someone to lean on me. I want to share a bed with a man. I want to cook for a family again and to deal with all the conflict and stress that living with another person entails. I have not done well on my own. But I don't want to get down on myself for that. It is who I am and I'm trying to acknowledge that.
So where have all these rambling thoughts taken and led me?
1. I need a vacation. I need to go somewhere by myself to reflect and have time to devote to just me.
2. I need to somehow figure out how to balance the grief of the past with hope for the future. That truly seems to be the key in all of this. Maybe if I can figure that out I'll be able to write my own self-help book.
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