GF's dad was killed by a hit and run driver just days before he turned 16. He had been thrilled to tell him that he'd just gotten his first job at a grocery store in the city. GF never had that opportunity. His dad was supposed to bring home Chinese for dinner that night. But he never called or came home. Today, it is very important that GF hears regularly from the people he cares about. His ex-wife accuses him of calling his 11-year-old son too much. She also got annoyed with his frequent phone calls during the day. GF has always made a point of calling me throughout the day. In the morning to say, "Have a good day" and "I love you." In the evening to say, "Goodnight" and "I love you." During the day to say, "I am thinking about you." Over the past two days GF has called to say that he supports whatever decision I make regarding moving with him or to stay put for the sake of the boys at their current school. We came home for the weekend so I could work at the big box store during my two-week notice period and to give the boys an opportunity to see their friends.
The boys were in much better moods on the drive home. I let my oldest drive and he made it in far less time than I have since I drive a lot more slowly. They both spoke of joining the wrestling team at the new school upon their return next week; my oldest talked about going to one of the colleges in the new state; my youngest said he had made three friends in his biology class. I had spoken with the boys' school counselor on Wednesday and she met with them first thing Thursday morning to revise their schedules and get rid of some of those extra study halls. She also changed my youngest's lunch period so he can now eat with his brother, whom has already been sitting at a table with Senior cheerleaders. I think they are resigned to the move, although my oldest is upset about leaving his girlfriend as her mom died last March. I asked him if she would prefer that he be living out on the street and offered to drive him back as much as possible to see her.
GF's parents were poor. His dad sold real estate and back in the 70s there was a recession that killed the housing market. GF recalls that they ate so much canned spaghetti and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that it has only been recently that he could eat peanut butter again. After his dad died, there was not much money and he went to work full-time to support his mom and sister. It took GF 8 years to get through college going part-time while working full-time at the same grocery store he had been hired at when he turned 16. He rose to the position of manager there.
GF is not a complaining sort of guy. He is optimistic, loyal, responsible and does what needs to be done without griping (unlike me). He often says, "Life is good," a phrase he adopted after his dad died and "It is what it is." GF had a romantic relationship with a young woman whom he loved but had a fatal illness. It did not matter to him that she was going to die as a young adult. He loved her. She ended up breaking up with him before her untimely death. In the same spirit of love and acceptance, GF married his wife even knowing that she suffered from fertiltiy issues that would make it difficult for them to have a baby.
GF worked at a bank then was a manager at a big name drug store. He and his wife did have a baby through in vitro but their second attempt failed and they lost twins. GF wanted to spend more time with his son and moved to a less demanding store management position. He was extremely involved with his son's life taking a six-month leave of absence after his birth to be with him. GF felt the absence of his father and this of course affected him and how he wanted to be a parent.
I first started communicating with GF after Husband #2 initially filed for divorce in January, '08. My husband refused to speak me with and I was incredibly devastated and heartbroken. In fact, my husband didn't even have the decency to tell me he'd filed, a fact I learned having to call the courthouse every day per the advice of my attorney. GF and I started talking online but I was hesitant and wanted to reconcile with my husband. Basically, GF and I emailed about grief issues and when my husband and I got back together for a few months I ceased all contact with GF. But when my husband refiled for the divorce in July, I again was devastated and thought about GF. I decided to call him because I wanted to know what had happened to him. I truly hoped that he had met a nice woman and had moved on beyond his own pain and grief about his divorce. I called him because I wanted to know that life would go on and that I would survive my own loss. I wanted to know he was okay. Knowing that would somehow give me much needed strength to go forward myself.
I finally drew up the courage to call GF, which I did after going to an antique show attended by what seemed to me to be exclusively couples (gay and straight - mostly middle-aged). He remembered me (after 6 months of no contact) and all of our communication with surprising detail. He had just bought a small home and was with his son. We made arrangements to talk on the phone and soon after, agreed to meet for dinner.
GF was very supportive of me during my long, drawn-out divorce. We were friends and I certainly needed someone to communicate with, especially since my husband had virtually shut out any contact with me. GF was tolerant of the feelings I still had for my husband and was aware of my desire to still try and reconcile. GF also had been "dumped" by his wife who had not given much explanation why. We were two people who needed and wanted communication in our lives with our spouses but had been denied that. GF used to tell me back then that I had been sent to him. I used to think that he had been sent to me.
At the end of my marriage, I had fallen in love with GF and wanted to marry him. I was frightened of being on my own again and unmarried. Even during the divorce process knowing I was still married gave me some kind of comfort. But GF told me that it was too close to his divorce and he needed time to heal. When I made an effort to start communicating with Husband #2 after the divorce was finalized, I told GF although I do not think he thought it was a good idea or would lead anywhere. I know that he felt it would probably end up hurting me.
As the months went by and I faced the sale of my house, GF's ex-wife remarried, he lost his job and his ex moved out of state with his beloved son. Both of us were dealing with huge losses. I didn't have a lot of energy to expend on his issues - I had too much to handle on my own. We had some rough patches but always ended up getting through them with humor, commitment and lots of communication. I considered breaking things off with him when he didn't want to get married but found that I really missed him when he wasn't part of my life.
I saw the lovely home GF resided in with his ex-wife and son. His ex sold the home for a terrible loss before she moved out of state. I also saw the home GF lived in when he was first married which was closer to the city. GF bought his first place, a condo when he was only 25. He has perfect credit and is financially astute. We are both starting over at this point. As are I suppose many others across the nation. But GF has told me that he wants to be part of a family again, he believes we will be better off for being together and that he loves me. Is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? Certainly not. But he has accepted and loved me at my absolute worst. And he has not rejected me as did Husband #2. Rather he has embraced me and held open his arms. The boys get along with him and like him, even respect him. His son likes me.
GF is kind, optimistic, loyal, tolerant, flexible, enjoys the finer things in life, has a sense of humor, is honest and intelligent. I recently told him that at times he may be a bit too honest and maybe doesn't have to tell it like it is All the time. He has admitted when he has been wrong and says he is sorry. He is a devoted Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks fan. I like his strength and his manly scent. He is there when the going gets rough. He is a very physical guy and likes to show affection, hug, kiss and hold hands. He thanks me when I do so to him. He laughs and shares interesting news tibits that he has heard. He can be vulnerable and admits to it. He is well-balanced, doesn't have anger issues, and has done what he says he would do and doesn't cover up what he can't do. His personality is fun-loving and playful but he is serious when he needs to be.
I think he is overall a pretty decent and all-round nice guy. He knows what commitment is - he has faced adversity - I have seen him react to challenges and he has stood tall - he doesn't have any sexual deviances and he has told me that sex is only one part of a relationship, there are other facets of a relationship that are equally important - he is an extremely devoted father - he does his best to get along with his ex-wife and her new husband - he is attractive - he doesn't like to fight and wants to resolve conflict - he doesn't hang up on me when upset (as did Husband #2) - he communicates well - he is a hard worker - he is neat and tidy in how he lives and dresses.
I have always enjoyed being with him and have loved the comfort he provides me by being in my life. I love men and have so missed having one of my own. He has helped me feel safe and secure. I like the company of men and living with one.
GF's wife just lost her job yesterday. I am still not clear why she ever left GF because he has always been such a great guy to me. I know that she spent more money than he wanted and that was a source of conflict but that would not be an issue in our life together because I have learned to live on little and to appreciate all that money doesn't buy. I have never understood why she did not make any kind of effort to work on their marriage, especially since a child was involved. Sometimes I have thought that both she and Husband #2 were selfish, and acted out of their own desires without much regard for the others in their life who they would end up hurting. I have not had much respect for either of our ex-spouses. On the other hand, GF has been a respectful person to others and I think that I have always tried to think of others before myself.
GF's ex just bought a big mini-mansion type home and moved to a new community. She wasn't satisfied with the life she had here in Illinois. Now that she has lost her high-paying banking VP job will she be able to get another and afford their new home? I see her divorce from GF as such a waste. Will it have been all worth it in the end? The disruption of so many lives? GF told me in the early days that Husband #2's loss was his gain. I suppose I could say the same about GF's ex. We are two people who were very wounded but wound up together despite the odds.
When GF and I went to look for homes in the new town, he dropped me off at the local Panera while he went in to meet with his new boss and co-workers (his new job was right down the street). I sat in front of the gas fireplace where I would wait for him until his meeting was over. I watched GF as he walked out of the restaurant and thought about him being such a good man and a good guy. I heard myself say inside, "If you let him go, he won't last long. Some other woman will see his goodness and snatch him right up." And I thought at that moment that I didn't want to let him go. Why should I let someone else have this decent, honorable guy when he can be mine? I don't think it is easy to find good guys out there or maybe I believe that there aren't that many out there. Or you can find a good guy but it ends up all wrong as it did with Husband #2. There are so many variables to relationships. This one between GF and I seems to click.
Maybe it is finally time for me to say goodbye to some of all this past that has been haunting me for so long and to look ahead more to the future with GF. To think about what we will all gain instead of what will be lost. Maybe GF's optimism and zest for life can rub off on me and the boys. Maybe being in GF's strong embrace is where I now need to be.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
If Her Husband Hadn't Died...
I wanted this blog to tell the story of a woman who wouldn't be writing it, if her husband hadn't died.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not be sitting in this apartment having had to sell her home for virtually no profit 2 1/2 months ago.
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have married the man who ended up devastating her emotionally and financially.
If her husband hadn't died, she wouldn't be so careworn and exhausted.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would almost certainly have better grades and be more adjusted (and happier and less troubled).
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have left her part-time counseling job with the county.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not have gone six long years without any kind of vacation (even a mini weekend getaway).
If her husband hadn't died, the vast majority of the household goods owned by the family would not be sitting in two extremely untidy storage units.
If her husband hadn't died, a small family would not currently be on the brink of losing everything.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would not be celebrating Christmas for the second year in a row without receiving presents.
If her husband hadn't died, there would not have been the financial struggle that has existed and which just worsened with the divorce and Recession.
If her husband hadn't died, this woman would not have had to go looking for another partner with whom to share her life since she wants to be with someone. Happy dating in the land of middle-age flab, sags, grey hair and wrinkles! Not to mention financial and ex-spouse baggage. And all the drama that goes with the kids. Whoo hoo! It is time to party! Oh and then there is all the fun worrying about STDs.
If her husband hadn't died, life would not have been the challenge it has been the past six long years.
This is not some joke or fiction. It is all real and I do my best to convey what is happening in my life honestly. Why? Maybe it will end up helping someone along the way. Maybe my tale will let others know that grief doesn't stop after the first year. And for some of us, the secondary losses of financial hardship, divorce after remarriage and only parenting take a far greater toll than the actual death of our spouses. I hope maybe to somehow get through that women like me fall through the cracks because we don't qualify for any financial assistance but that what we earn on our own isn't enough to raise the children that were left behind for us to bring up on our own. I hope to depict that it is a very hard and lonely road for some of us to stumble along everyday.
New challenges abound. If we remarry and move, how will that impact our kids? What about the kids who have led a less than stable life in their formative years? How screwed up will mine be having been rejected by their mom's second husband so soon after their beloved Dad died? Everyone says kids are resilient and will come out just fine. But I'm not sure I believe that anymore. No one seems to remember the kids or the widow after the first few months. But where was the magic wand that was supposed to be waved to have made it all better? Do people honestly think that with the passage of time everything just turns out? It doesn't for some of us, nor is being an only parent the best thing for kids. They need and deserve to be raised in a family or at least within a loving network that provides support to the widow/widower and the kids. But for some of us without much family, our lives become isolated and we parent on our own out of necessity. It is a very hard job to undertake. No one sees the underlying stress and strain that results from this relentless job.
It snowed this morning and here again comes my greatest fear of the winter - that I will fall and break a leg and there will be no one to assist me with the kids or my recovery. I will myself not to get sick every year because I cannot afford to.
I wish I were not this woman whose husband died and that the following years had not led us to this point. I wish you had all gotten to know the woman I was before stress and strain left me jaded and pessimistic and so down all the time. I wish this were not my real life and I was just making all this up!
If My husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen, all of the crazy events of the past years would have never happened and I would just be a normal, middle-aged soccer mom who had never even thought of the screen name Widow-in-the-Middle. Tonight I just so wish I was that normal, middle-aged mom. I want to pretend that I am for a little while.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not be sitting in this apartment having had to sell her home for virtually no profit 2 1/2 months ago.
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have married the man who ended up devastating her emotionally and financially.
If her husband hadn't died, she wouldn't be so careworn and exhausted.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would almost certainly have better grades and be more adjusted (and happier and less troubled).
If her husband hadn't died, she never would have left her part-time counseling job with the county.
If her husband hadn't died, she would not have gone six long years without any kind of vacation (even a mini weekend getaway).
If her husband hadn't died, the vast majority of the household goods owned by the family would not be sitting in two extremely untidy storage units.
If her husband hadn't died, a small family would not currently be on the brink of losing everything.
If her husband hadn't died, their sons would not be celebrating Christmas for the second year in a row without receiving presents.
If her husband hadn't died, there would not have been the financial struggle that has existed and which just worsened with the divorce and Recession.
If her husband hadn't died, this woman would not have had to go looking for another partner with whom to share her life since she wants to be with someone. Happy dating in the land of middle-age flab, sags, grey hair and wrinkles! Not to mention financial and ex-spouse baggage. And all the drama that goes with the kids. Whoo hoo! It is time to party! Oh and then there is all the fun worrying about STDs.
If her husband hadn't died, life would not have been the challenge it has been the past six long years.
This is not some joke or fiction. It is all real and I do my best to convey what is happening in my life honestly. Why? Maybe it will end up helping someone along the way. Maybe my tale will let others know that grief doesn't stop after the first year. And for some of us, the secondary losses of financial hardship, divorce after remarriage and only parenting take a far greater toll than the actual death of our spouses. I hope maybe to somehow get through that women like me fall through the cracks because we don't qualify for any financial assistance but that what we earn on our own isn't enough to raise the children that were left behind for us to bring up on our own. I hope to depict that it is a very hard and lonely road for some of us to stumble along everyday.
New challenges abound. If we remarry and move, how will that impact our kids? What about the kids who have led a less than stable life in their formative years? How screwed up will mine be having been rejected by their mom's second husband so soon after their beloved Dad died? Everyone says kids are resilient and will come out just fine. But I'm not sure I believe that anymore. No one seems to remember the kids or the widow after the first few months. But where was the magic wand that was supposed to be waved to have made it all better? Do people honestly think that with the passage of time everything just turns out? It doesn't for some of us, nor is being an only parent the best thing for kids. They need and deserve to be raised in a family or at least within a loving network that provides support to the widow/widower and the kids. But for some of us without much family, our lives become isolated and we parent on our own out of necessity. It is a very hard job to undertake. No one sees the underlying stress and strain that results from this relentless job.
It snowed this morning and here again comes my greatest fear of the winter - that I will fall and break a leg and there will be no one to assist me with the kids or my recovery. I will myself not to get sick every year because I cannot afford to.
I wish I were not this woman whose husband died and that the following years had not led us to this point. I wish you had all gotten to know the woman I was before stress and strain left me jaded and pessimistic and so down all the time. I wish this were not my real life and I was just making all this up!
If My husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen, all of the crazy events of the past years would have never happened and I would just be a normal, middle-aged soccer mom who had never even thought of the screen name Widow-in-the-Middle. Tonight I just so wish I was that normal, middle-aged mom. I want to pretend that I am for a little while.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
No One Said It Would Be Easy
The boys are giving us a rough time about the move. Last night the oldest threatened to take the van and drive back home. Both are saying they will find friends to stay with so they can continue to attend their old school. The youngest refused to go to school today claiming he has a migraine. I called the school and asked to make an appointment with their counselor.
According to the boys, no one has talked with them and they ate alone at lunch. They each have three study halls because the elective classes they were taking aren't offered here. The youngest claims he is behind because the classes here are ahead of where he was back home. He refused my help with his French worksheet.
I am torn between being sympathetic and giving them a kick in the pants and telling them to cope and deal with it. Maybe in a way I am doing both at the same time. GF is upset with me because he wants more appreciation/credit for helping us (especially me being in my current financial state). He told me he did not think there would be anyone else willing to take on our family.
I just continue to feel tired and drained and want to escape into bed with the covers up over my head. I am exhausted from all these years of only parenting. I know GF needs to feel appreciated but so do I just for having survived the past year! No one is patting me on the back for my sacrifices or enduring hardship.
I don't want the boys to live away from me. I like the feel of the four of us living here in this house. It feels like a family again - what we haven't experienced in seven years. The boys don't know what it feels like to live in a home with a strong male/father presence. But I do. And I want that back.
According to the boys, no one has talked with them and they ate alone at lunch. They each have three study halls because the elective classes they were taking aren't offered here. The youngest claims he is behind because the classes here are ahead of where he was back home. He refused my help with his French worksheet.
I am torn between being sympathetic and giving them a kick in the pants and telling them to cope and deal with it. Maybe in a way I am doing both at the same time. GF is upset with me because he wants more appreciation/credit for helping us (especially me being in my current financial state). He told me he did not think there would be anyone else willing to take on our family.
I just continue to feel tired and drained and want to escape into bed with the covers up over my head. I am exhausted from all these years of only parenting. I know GF needs to feel appreciated but so do I just for having survived the past year! No one is patting me on the back for my sacrifices or enduring hardship.
I don't want the boys to live away from me. I like the feel of the four of us living here in this house. It feels like a family again - what we haven't experienced in seven years. The boys don't know what it feels like to live in a home with a strong male/father presence. But I do. And I want that back.
Monday, November 30, 2009
"Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Your Life."
What a crazy week it has been getting here.
Mon. 11/23 - Schedulded for work since I normally had this day off from school. But because of Thanksgiving on Thur., the school switched Thursday's class to Monday. So I was in a panic to find someone to work for me, which I thankfully did so I could go to class.
Tue. 11/24 - Attended class which was mainly a review for the final but also a pot luck party which I really enjoyed. It is sad to say that we are skimping on food so much that being able to eat nice food at a pot luck or party is such a treat! I am not ashamed to go back for seconds.
Wed. 11/25 - Got a 92% on the final exam. It as one of the highest scores. I made 3 silly errors that I should have gotten right. Came home to work on the storage shed consolidation. Got son haircut.
Thur. 11/26 - Thanksgiving. Had two helpings of dinner and a small slice of pumpkin and apple pie. Ditto my comment about having an opportunity to partake of a nice meal. The day went very well with my family but there is stress involved with such get-togethers. The night was cold and rainy but I still tried to work at the storage shed. Because of computer glitch I could not gain entry but maybe that was for the best.
Fri. 11/27 - Put in an eight-hour shift cashiering Black Friday at the big box store. They did provide a nice lunch for everyone (cold cuts, cheeses, chips, dip, veggies, fruit, potato salad, cookies, cake, pop). Again, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this meal, especially the fruit. I took some home with me. After work, my close girlfriend treated me to dinner out. We both got fried chicken salads with soup and I saved half my salad for Sat. I am finding that the poorer I have become, the more food means to me. And that is a sad observation to be aware of! Gave my manager notice and he requested two weeks. I asked for a transfer to a local store near the town we are moving to but not sure of the liklihood.
Sat. 11/28 - Finished moving the contents of one 11 x 30 shed into another. Now I only have two sheds - an 11 x 30 and an 11 x 20. Before I was paying $600.00 monthly for the three sheds which of course is impossible to afford. Trouble was, after working an exhausting Black Friday, the strain of moving things at the shed left me physically exhausted! Plus, I ran out of room and ended up taking the excess to the apartment. So the apartment is overstuffed with a bike in the kitchen and so on. I figure we are not going to be living there so what does it matter? Had to work from 5-11 p.m. Just very tired.
Sun. 11/29 - Went to my final school clinical at the nursing home on only four hours of sleep (but that is how it has been the past five weeks since I have worked Sat. nights until closing). Got the highest score on the final clinical exam (90%) but again made silly errors. Class let out early and I'd hoped to get an earlier start with driving to our new home but my oldest was with his girlfriend and not being cooperative. I did go to the apartment rental office to give notice of my intent to move. Breaking my lease early will result in some costly charges but the rental company will work with me to pay them off over a monthly time frame. We are looking at $2,000.00! From there it was a mad dash packing up things for a week's stay. There hadn't been time to organize earlier in the week so our packing was of the throw it all in bags strategy. Both boys were exceedingly rude and nasty to me during the afternoon and for about three-quarters of the four-hour drive. Basically, they blamed me for having to move since I haven't been able to get a full-time job, threatend to not do their homework, refused to particpate in sports, claimed they would not speak to anyone ever at the new school, that sort of thing. I know they are upset with the move so I tried to bear it but my resolve was running thin and I told them that I will not tolerate disrespect, etc. The little restaurant we like to stop at half-way was closed so we just grabbed some McDonald's which we ate in the car. We got in about 8:45. My sister kindly called me to see how we were doing. She mentioned that my brother told her how much he likes GF (even more than Husband #1 and Husband #2. I felt a little bad about that because Husband #1 isn't here anymore but I tried to take it as a compliment about GF who really is about as decent a guy as you can get).
Mon. Today 11/30 - We escorted the boys to the guidance office at 7:30 but left as we were the only parents there. GF and I then went to Walmart for groceries. We came home and handled financial matters, e.g. making an appointment to transfer my car/life insurance over to GF's new local agent, etc. We also made a truck reservation for me this weekend so I can clear out the smaller storage shed since I have to go back to work on Sat. night anyway and I'll bring the boys with me so they can see their friends while I am at work. We'll put the contents of that shed into the garage here where I can finally have a chance to get through it once and for all! A lot of it is from my parent's home from the sale of their house two years ago. It will be so wonderful to knock the monthly expense of two of the storage sheds off. As it is now, we will have a very tight month financially this December which is so sad bcause it is the most magical month of the year. And we've had such meager holidays the past two years (I heard about that too from the boys). I hope we will be able to get them something. As long as I can have some nice food here in the house for everyone I will be happy.
Now the boys are still at school and GF at work. I am bracing up for hearing an earful when they come home. It is a bit surreal that I am sitting in a living room of a home that I will now be residing in. GF said goodnight to me last night by saying, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." I was way too tired to make any witty replies. I am grateful to be sitting here in a home again with groceries in the pantry. Enough for the entire week. I am glad I took the Certified Nursing Asst. class. If I don't get hired for a social services job I will seek employment at a nursing home. It all could be worse. The sun is out and the tidy neighborhood we live in is quiet and peaceful. GF will come home this evening and my sons will be here. We will be safe, sound and sheltered. The boys have their pick of soup and a grilled cheese or two with carrot sticks, sloppy joes with tater tots and corn, spaghetti with garlic bread or Enchilladas for dinner. Cheap and filling.
No one has starved. We somehow made it. It hasn't been easy. I remain terribly worried about finances and must find a job as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will take some downtime with getting the smaller storage shed moved and then we have to focus on moving out the contents of the apartment. I will go back home to take the state CNA certification exam in mid-Jan. In fact, since I had to give a 60-day notice with the apt., we will go back over Christmas break for one week so the boys can be with their friends.
What I dreaded so much was the move to the apartment. But we all got through that and in the end, it was certainly not as bad as what I'd anticipated in my mind. The constant shuffling around and moving of my possesions from such a big home to a smaller place has been the real pain. All in all, we only spent 2 1/2 months living in the apartment. And already we've moved onward and upward.
But the most amazing piece of all of this for me is to have truly fallen to the lowest financial level I have ever been. Once the rent and bills are paid this month there is NOTHING left for food. And I am not even sure if there will be enough for all the bills. If GF hadn't been here for us I'm not sure what would have happened. I feel as though he has saved us. It is hard to describe in words how I really feel inside. To know that you have fallen to the bottom of a long and dark basement staircase. But thankfully someone helps you up, turns on the light and starts guiding you back up the stairs. We could have spent a long time in a musty, damp, dank basement. By a stroke of luck or a miracle or both, our time on the basement floor was very brief. As soon as we fell, we were picked right back up. There that describes it perfectly. To be picked up at the exact moment of hitting the bottom. That is what it feels like to me. If that isn't getting saved, I don't know what is.
Mon. 11/23 - Schedulded for work since I normally had this day off from school. But because of Thanksgiving on Thur., the school switched Thursday's class to Monday. So I was in a panic to find someone to work for me, which I thankfully did so I could go to class.
Tue. 11/24 - Attended class which was mainly a review for the final but also a pot luck party which I really enjoyed. It is sad to say that we are skimping on food so much that being able to eat nice food at a pot luck or party is such a treat! I am not ashamed to go back for seconds.
Wed. 11/25 - Got a 92% on the final exam. It as one of the highest scores. I made 3 silly errors that I should have gotten right. Came home to work on the storage shed consolidation. Got son haircut.
Thur. 11/26 - Thanksgiving. Had two helpings of dinner and a small slice of pumpkin and apple pie. Ditto my comment about having an opportunity to partake of a nice meal. The day went very well with my family but there is stress involved with such get-togethers. The night was cold and rainy but I still tried to work at the storage shed. Because of computer glitch I could not gain entry but maybe that was for the best.
Fri. 11/27 - Put in an eight-hour shift cashiering Black Friday at the big box store. They did provide a nice lunch for everyone (cold cuts, cheeses, chips, dip, veggies, fruit, potato salad, cookies, cake, pop). Again, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this meal, especially the fruit. I took some home with me. After work, my close girlfriend treated me to dinner out. We both got fried chicken salads with soup and I saved half my salad for Sat. I am finding that the poorer I have become, the more food means to me. And that is a sad observation to be aware of! Gave my manager notice and he requested two weeks. I asked for a transfer to a local store near the town we are moving to but not sure of the liklihood.
Sat. 11/28 - Finished moving the contents of one 11 x 30 shed into another. Now I only have two sheds - an 11 x 30 and an 11 x 20. Before I was paying $600.00 monthly for the three sheds which of course is impossible to afford. Trouble was, after working an exhausting Black Friday, the strain of moving things at the shed left me physically exhausted! Plus, I ran out of room and ended up taking the excess to the apartment. So the apartment is overstuffed with a bike in the kitchen and so on. I figure we are not going to be living there so what does it matter? Had to work from 5-11 p.m. Just very tired.
Sun. 11/29 - Went to my final school clinical at the nursing home on only four hours of sleep (but that is how it has been the past five weeks since I have worked Sat. nights until closing). Got the highest score on the final clinical exam (90%) but again made silly errors. Class let out early and I'd hoped to get an earlier start with driving to our new home but my oldest was with his girlfriend and not being cooperative. I did go to the apartment rental office to give notice of my intent to move. Breaking my lease early will result in some costly charges but the rental company will work with me to pay them off over a monthly time frame. We are looking at $2,000.00! From there it was a mad dash packing up things for a week's stay. There hadn't been time to organize earlier in the week so our packing was of the throw it all in bags strategy. Both boys were exceedingly rude and nasty to me during the afternoon and for about three-quarters of the four-hour drive. Basically, they blamed me for having to move since I haven't been able to get a full-time job, threatend to not do their homework, refused to particpate in sports, claimed they would not speak to anyone ever at the new school, that sort of thing. I know they are upset with the move so I tried to bear it but my resolve was running thin and I told them that I will not tolerate disrespect, etc. The little restaurant we like to stop at half-way was closed so we just grabbed some McDonald's which we ate in the car. We got in about 8:45. My sister kindly called me to see how we were doing. She mentioned that my brother told her how much he likes GF (even more than Husband #1 and Husband #2. I felt a little bad about that because Husband #1 isn't here anymore but I tried to take it as a compliment about GF who really is about as decent a guy as you can get).
Mon. Today 11/30 - We escorted the boys to the guidance office at 7:30 but left as we were the only parents there. GF and I then went to Walmart for groceries. We came home and handled financial matters, e.g. making an appointment to transfer my car/life insurance over to GF's new local agent, etc. We also made a truck reservation for me this weekend so I can clear out the smaller storage shed since I have to go back to work on Sat. night anyway and I'll bring the boys with me so they can see their friends while I am at work. We'll put the contents of that shed into the garage here where I can finally have a chance to get through it once and for all! A lot of it is from my parent's home from the sale of their house two years ago. It will be so wonderful to knock the monthly expense of two of the storage sheds off. As it is now, we will have a very tight month financially this December which is so sad bcause it is the most magical month of the year. And we've had such meager holidays the past two years (I heard about that too from the boys). I hope we will be able to get them something. As long as I can have some nice food here in the house for everyone I will be happy.
Now the boys are still at school and GF at work. I am bracing up for hearing an earful when they come home. It is a bit surreal that I am sitting in a living room of a home that I will now be residing in. GF said goodnight to me last night by saying, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." I was way too tired to make any witty replies. I am grateful to be sitting here in a home again with groceries in the pantry. Enough for the entire week. I am glad I took the Certified Nursing Asst. class. If I don't get hired for a social services job I will seek employment at a nursing home. It all could be worse. The sun is out and the tidy neighborhood we live in is quiet and peaceful. GF will come home this evening and my sons will be here. We will be safe, sound and sheltered. The boys have their pick of soup and a grilled cheese or two with carrot sticks, sloppy joes with tater tots and corn, spaghetti with garlic bread or Enchilladas for dinner. Cheap and filling.
No one has starved. We somehow made it. It hasn't been easy. I remain terribly worried about finances and must find a job as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will take some downtime with getting the smaller storage shed moved and then we have to focus on moving out the contents of the apartment. I will go back home to take the state CNA certification exam in mid-Jan. In fact, since I had to give a 60-day notice with the apt., we will go back over Christmas break for one week so the boys can be with their friends.
What I dreaded so much was the move to the apartment. But we all got through that and in the end, it was certainly not as bad as what I'd anticipated in my mind. The constant shuffling around and moving of my possesions from such a big home to a smaller place has been the real pain. All in all, we only spent 2 1/2 months living in the apartment. And already we've moved onward and upward.
But the most amazing piece of all of this for me is to have truly fallen to the lowest financial level I have ever been. Once the rent and bills are paid this month there is NOTHING left for food. And I am not even sure if there will be enough for all the bills. If GF hadn't been here for us I'm not sure what would have happened. I feel as though he has saved us. It is hard to describe in words how I really feel inside. To know that you have fallen to the bottom of a long and dark basement staircase. But thankfully someone helps you up, turns on the light and starts guiding you back up the stairs. We could have spent a long time in a musty, damp, dank basement. By a stroke of luck or a miracle or both, our time on the basement floor was very brief. As soon as we fell, we were picked right back up. There that describes it perfectly. To be picked up at the exact moment of hitting the bottom. That is what it feels like to me. If that isn't getting saved, I don't know what is.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Black Friday Survivor
I am so glad that I went into Thanksgiving with a neutral mindset. We went to my brother's home and if I could have had it my way, would have skipped it. But my oldest wanted to go and I bit the bullet and decided to make the best of it. My family is not particularly close, something that I struggle with. And over the past months, the estrangement has been quite painful, as I've had to deal with the divorce and loss of my home. The last I spoke with my sister was in April.
Going in with a neutral frame of mind helped in that I just accepted what was going on in the here and now. I forgot the hurt and resentment I've felt and dropped the expectations about how I think a family should act. I just tried to be and all in all it was a good experience. My sister and I spoke and I hope the rift that has been between us has lifted. The entire family told me that they missed GF not being there. In fact, my brother said it was not the same without him. All were supportive about the move/marriage. My sister said good men are hard to come by and GF is a good man. We ended up calling GF and wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. Poor GF said nothing much was open except Walmart. So he had a Hungry Man TV Dinner (chicken). He told my brother that he hopes this will be the last Thanksgiving he will have to spend alone.
Today I survived working Black Friday from 8:00 - 4:00. I gave my notice and said I am moving. So I suppose it is official to some extent.
Going in with a neutral frame of mind helped in that I just accepted what was going on in the here and now. I forgot the hurt and resentment I've felt and dropped the expectations about how I think a family should act. I just tried to be and all in all it was a good experience. My sister and I spoke and I hope the rift that has been between us has lifted. The entire family told me that they missed GF not being there. In fact, my brother said it was not the same without him. All were supportive about the move/marriage. My sister said good men are hard to come by and GF is a good man. We ended up calling GF and wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. Poor GF said nothing much was open except Walmart. So he had a Hungry Man TV Dinner (chicken). He told my brother that he hopes this will be the last Thanksgiving he will have to spend alone.
Today I survived working Black Friday from 8:00 - 4:00. I gave my notice and said I am moving. So I suppose it is official to some extent.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thanksgiving "Break"
I am taking the day off and purposely going to try and not think too much, process everything, figure out problems or fret about the future. I am just going to try and be - to keep my mind blank and neutral. A bit of a rest from all the turmoil swirling around my head and body. Unless they've had to grieve a terrible loss, I don't think others realize the amount of inner work going on inside our brains. There is constant motion, never ceasing. Over and over our minds say, "What if," and/or "I miss him so much," and/or "I just want my old life back" and/or "I don't think I can go on." Our inner pain seems endless because we can't turn it off. When we go to bed (if we can sleep), we sometimes end up having dreams or nightmares. We wake up thinking about our loss/losses, during the day these thoughts consume us and then at night we toss and turn in loneliness. No break. And then on top of the grieving thoughts we have to figure out how to do things we've never done before, we have to live in new and unfamiliar ways and we have to make backup plans. Talk about overloaded minds and brains!
Today I wish everyone a bit of a break and respite from the thoughts swirling around within.
And to those who will be with a grieving loved one or know one, please take a moment to see beyond the person in physical form. Recognize that there is so much going on within and take a moment to give an embrace and demonstrate some compassion, comfort and love. No words are necessary and a gesture can be as simple as bringing someone a plate of pie and coffee or gently touching their cheek or holding their hand for a moment.
Today I wish everyone a bit of a break and respite from the thoughts swirling around within.
And to those who will be with a grieving loved one or know one, please take a moment to see beyond the person in physical form. Recognize that there is so much going on within and take a moment to give an embrace and demonstrate some compassion, comfort and love. No words are necessary and a gesture can be as simple as bringing someone a plate of pie and coffee or gently touching their cheek or holding their hand for a moment.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Corn Pudding
In my old life before widowhood, I was one of those over-involved PTA moms. I worked part-time and spent at least 10 hours at the grade school my boys attended weekly. I worked in the library one afternoon, assisted in the classroom another, tutored reading, collated, stapled and distributed the weekly newsletter, headed the monthly food drive as well as other committees (Yearbook, Health & Safety, Fun Fair, etc.). At the holidays I coordinated the room parties and made goodie bags for all the kids. I baked my share of treats for various events (cake walk), gave the teachers generous presents and was a very visible face always willing to give a helping hand.
Flash forward to the present. My Certified Nursing Assistant Program ends this week and a party with the 32 students was planned. We were all supposed to bring a dish for a pot luck lunch. My heart wasn't in making anything. Things are just too crazy right now. I thought about picking up a nice platter of holiday cookies or brownies. But in the end tried to come up with a dish that would be very simple and quick to make. I decided on corn pudding because I associate corn with Thanksgiving and I love the dish. My huge cookbook collection never got unpacked so I went online to see what I could come up with. I found the Jiffy Corn Bread recipe for Corn Casserole and went with it because it doesn't get much simpler than that.
Jiffy Corn Casserole
1 can whole kernel corn undrained
1 can creamed style corn
1 stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. sugar
8 oz. sour cream
Small box of Jiffy Corn Meal Muffin Mix
Mix all ingredients together. Pour in slightly greased pan or pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
I got up today at 5:00 a.m. to make this dish before class. Sadly, it was not a hit at the party. The spread, however, was wonderful since we have a group of such diversity. Many prepared dishes from their native lands. Everyone went around wanting the rest of us to try their dishes. I know many of the other students have only been in our country a short while and are struggling financially. But they really cooked enough to feed an army as they used to say. I enjoyed potato salad from Peru, grape leaves, chicken kabobs, cheese blintzes from Ukraine, egg rolls, fried rice, pot stickers, ham, salad, pizza. It was a feast and I even went back for seconds as most of us did. I was so glad I made my lowly corn casserole (or pudding as we always called it at my house) because it was a contribution. Anyway, now I am eating it for my dinner and I have to say it is pretty tasty. I should have made more of an effort to get the others to try a taste.
I also realized after having such a great time at this little party, how much I have been missing small pleasures in my life. Widowhood can be isolating and now that I am getting back into the work force, I'll have an opportunity to increase my social network. I also need to make more of an effort to get out or do more for myself. The past months have been difficult and this was a break in the storm clouds. It has never taken much to please me - I'm not a diamond ring kind of gal - for me it is all about simple pleasures. Good food, some wine, intelligent conversation and interesting friends. I needed this party in my life right now - it revived me - it was fun - I forgot about my troubles for a bit and had a good time.
My sons got a big laugh when I came home and told them no one had eaten my dish. Gone are the days when I could and would go overboard with baking, cooking, volunteering and so on. But I am glad I was able to compromise and find a balance in being able to do something, rather than nothing. I found an inexpensive and easy dish to prepare - I made the effort - I was part of the team.
More balancing - our clinical instructor told us on Sunday that we need to bring some sort of breakfast to the last class next Sunday to thank the nurses and CNAs who have worked with us. I have to say that I was a little put off by this - I always think such actions need to be presented as voluntary and not dictated. The student organizing this asked to collect $3.50 from the 10 of us. I thought about this and felt the amount was too much to ask for donuts and coffee so I gave what was affordable to me, $2.00. In the old days, BHD (Before Husband's Death) I would have just gone with the flow and put in the $3.50. But I'm not the same person I was, nor am I in the same position. And it felt good to do something on my terms for a change.
Flash forward to the present. My Certified Nursing Assistant Program ends this week and a party with the 32 students was planned. We were all supposed to bring a dish for a pot luck lunch. My heart wasn't in making anything. Things are just too crazy right now. I thought about picking up a nice platter of holiday cookies or brownies. But in the end tried to come up with a dish that would be very simple and quick to make. I decided on corn pudding because I associate corn with Thanksgiving and I love the dish. My huge cookbook collection never got unpacked so I went online to see what I could come up with. I found the Jiffy Corn Bread recipe for Corn Casserole and went with it because it doesn't get much simpler than that.
Jiffy Corn Casserole
1 can whole kernel corn undrained
1 can creamed style corn
1 stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. sugar
8 oz. sour cream
Small box of Jiffy Corn Meal Muffin Mix
Mix all ingredients together. Pour in slightly greased pan or pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
I got up today at 5:00 a.m. to make this dish before class. Sadly, it was not a hit at the party. The spread, however, was wonderful since we have a group of such diversity. Many prepared dishes from their native lands. Everyone went around wanting the rest of us to try their dishes. I know many of the other students have only been in our country a short while and are struggling financially. But they really cooked enough to feed an army as they used to say. I enjoyed potato salad from Peru, grape leaves, chicken kabobs, cheese blintzes from Ukraine, egg rolls, fried rice, pot stickers, ham, salad, pizza. It was a feast and I even went back for seconds as most of us did. I was so glad I made my lowly corn casserole (or pudding as we always called it at my house) because it was a contribution. Anyway, now I am eating it for my dinner and I have to say it is pretty tasty. I should have made more of an effort to get the others to try a taste.
I also realized after having such a great time at this little party, how much I have been missing small pleasures in my life. Widowhood can be isolating and now that I am getting back into the work force, I'll have an opportunity to increase my social network. I also need to make more of an effort to get out or do more for myself. The past months have been difficult and this was a break in the storm clouds. It has never taken much to please me - I'm not a diamond ring kind of gal - for me it is all about simple pleasures. Good food, some wine, intelligent conversation and interesting friends. I needed this party in my life right now - it revived me - it was fun - I forgot about my troubles for a bit and had a good time.
My sons got a big laugh when I came home and told them no one had eaten my dish. Gone are the days when I could and would go overboard with baking, cooking, volunteering and so on. But I am glad I was able to compromise and find a balance in being able to do something, rather than nothing. I found an inexpensive and easy dish to prepare - I made the effort - I was part of the team.
More balancing - our clinical instructor told us on Sunday that we need to bring some sort of breakfast to the last class next Sunday to thank the nurses and CNAs who have worked with us. I have to say that I was a little put off by this - I always think such actions need to be presented as voluntary and not dictated. The student organizing this asked to collect $3.50 from the 10 of us. I thought about this and felt the amount was too much to ask for donuts and coffee so I gave what was affordable to me, $2.00. In the old days, BHD (Before Husband's Death) I would have just gone with the flow and put in the $3.50. But I'm not the same person I was, nor am I in the same position. And it felt good to do something on my terms for a change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
