Moving Beyond the Path

We had a week of unusually warm weather and it was lovely. Today we were struck again with reality, it was a typical November day in the Chicago suburbs - chilly, damp, grey, rain, blustery. But I went out and took my walk anyway. I luckily dodged the rain. I have been walking now since late August, almost every day. Just a half-hour. I've mapped the route out in the small forest preserve/park I go to near where I live so I know how many times I need to go around for 30 minutes. This walk has become something I look forward to greatly and now that I've started taking photos, there is even a more positive result.

I don't think the walk is doing that much in terms of exercise but it does have an impact on my overall mood. I like that I make time for myself and that I have kept up a goal for some months now. I'm not sure what will happen when the snow and real cold arrive, since I'm not a fan of winter. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Today as I walked I thought about how knitting gives me a sense of power and control by being able to create a piece of work on my terms. Walking gives me a sense of control too.

When I was newly widowed I met a woman whose husband had been shot by a disgruntled co-worker at his job. She had two boys about the ages of mine when her husband died. She was retired and had remarried, active in her church and with her grandchildren. She related that soon after her husband's death she would wake early and go walking around her home while her sons were still asleep. It was the only time she could do so. She said that the walks were what ended up saving her.

I am grateful for the walks I have been taking. The steps around the path seem to give me courage to go on ahead. I sense that these walks are the beginning to my taking more steps in other directions - to a new job, meeting new people, getting out more socially. Tonight that hits home because now that football is over, the boys are each out with their friends and here I am, alone. It is time for me to take the steps to move beyond the wooded path and see where it leads me.

Coming Up Out Of The Cave

When you are in the depths of grief it is very hard to do much more of anything but grieve. At least that has been my personal experience. I am coming out of the cave I have been in as I've tried to deal with the loss of my home. It has not been unlike the grief I had to travel with when my husband and Mom died and then going through the divorce.

The pain and intensity sometimes doesn't hit you until well after the fact. I was so busy cleaning the house and had to concentrate on selling it over the summer. Then there was having to find an apartment, the actual sale, closing and then physical move of my possessions, which turned out to be far more difficult than I'd anticipated. Doing all of these things on my own was another challenge.

I'm not looking for a pity party here - just stating facts. The move ended up being physically and emotionally draining for me and it wasn't until the dust had settled that I could comprehend how much. No doubt, that was some of the reason the idea of having to relocate with Sam to another state just ended up not being feasible right now.

I think that there was much grieving this holiday season about the loss of the house. It was there underneath everything without really being acknowledged. I was terribly depressed. Having to move was the icing on the cake, topping so many losses before it. It was another huge goodbye made even more difficult because the previous ones had depleted and weakened my soul and spirit. It has involved another identity change - from wife to widow to wife to divorcee; from homeowner to renter.

But I have started to take stock again as we all must at some point. A new year and all that comes into play too. When we are grieving people can point their fingers all they want with advice and solutions. But until we are ready, willing and able we won't be able to climb up out of the cave. The same thing goes for our own advice. At some level we all know what we should be doing to cope and function better. But again, until we are able to act accordingly we won't be able to do so. When our grief is that intense we need to stand strong and tall and make no apologies to anyone. Our job is to tend to the grief, pure and simple.

Whether enough time has passed or not, I'm not sure. I just have reached the point for me where I need to move past such active and intense grief. I am focusing on mindfulness, attentiveness, order and reframing.

Mindfulness/Attentiveness - I just need to be more aware of my surroundings and interactions with life and others. I need to be more of an active participant and less of a passive observer.

Order - I have always found and believed that when life is most chaotic, as long as we can exert some bit of control, we will be the better for it. I think that we need to feel we have some control over our destinies, especially when our lives seem particularly out of balance.

Reframing - I need to remember that it is not always what it appears and that there are more options.

This week I made an effort to get a bit organized to start the year out on a good foot. I changed purses, cleaned out my wallet and balanced my checkbook. I felt better just knowing that my purse was tidy. After grocery shopping, I reviewed the receipts for accuracy noticing one had incorrectly run up a purchase. The next day I returned to the store and received a $3.50 refund. I went to the dollar store needing to pick up some baking pans as mine are "lost" from the recent move. I am trying to make do with some cheap replacements knowing I already own decent bake ware, pots and pans. The pans were not marked but the sign underneath said all items not tagged cost $1.00. When I was at the cashier I nicely complained when they charged me $3.00 and was given the pans for $1.00.

At the bookstore I noticed a woman my age sipping a Venti Starbuck's while reading leisurely. My immediate reaction was to feel resentful and bitter. Why does she get to loll away the morning at a bookstore? Why can't I do that? Why is my life so harder...? But then I got off my high horse to reframe. Maybe this was a busy woman just like me and she had planned for this morning and then implemented it. Who says I can't do the same thing in the future? Plan a morning off where I sit and read at Border's. And then someone gazing at me might even have the same reaction as I first did - that I am a privileged, suburban mom with excess time on my hands!

I rented the small storage locker available in our laundry room and moved out the still unpacked boxes from the apartment. Enough is enough. I'll try and get through as many as I can (and the boys can help too) as quickly as I can but in the meantime, all of us deserve to live in an uncluttered and welcoming environment. At the same time, I am going through everything and donating whatever we no longer use or have use for. Eventually I will have to face the real job of emptying out the storage sheds.

These are small attempts I know but are helping me feel as though I am back in the game of life and doing more than just letting it run past me. In addition, I am trying to observe other strategies that work for me such as reading before bed, watching a half-hour of "The Office" everyday because it makes me laugh and devoting 15 minutes to my knitting hobby. I have forced myself to get up early and not hunker back down under the covers because it is winter, cold and I am depressed.

All in all, some progress.

Today I am grateful for:

1. "The Office."
2. Grapefruit in season.
3. Having too many possessions, hence the need for storage backup in the first place.
4. The winter sun making an appearance.
5. Crock pots.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I have decided to devote the next month to "healing." My personalized plan will involve trying to get through all the excess "stuff" in my house. Right now I feel so buried under. I think/hope that if I can clear some of the old stuff out, it will improve my outlook and help me move forward. The last few years have been so busy I haven't had the time or opportunity to clear out all the old clothing, books and toys that have accumulated. Then, on top of that, there is still some sorting to do of my deceased husband's possessions. As well as boxes and bags remaining from my parent's home. This is all bad enough but yesterday I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's home and these need to be organized and put away too. Quite a job ahead of me! But I am bound and determined to get this done once and for all!

This is the first time I have really felt up to the challenge. I so want to clear out all the old so what remains is what is useful and functional for our current life. This plan is making me feel motivated and in control. Every little bit will help - anything that I can move out of here will free some of the stagnant air that is smothering us. I am on my way out to donate today's load to Goodwill - 14 pairs of my old pants that are too big for me; 2 pairs of capri pants (too big); 2 skirts (too big) and a very nice black raincoat (since my husband died I refuse to wear black - I don't even carry a black purse anymore). And a pair of boy's novelty Homer Simpson slippers. My goal is to try and take at least a bag of stuff over to the Goodwill every day. We'll see how I do.

The other part of my healing plan is to knit as much as possible. Knitting is supposedly as therapeutic as meditation and at this point I don't have much time to devote to just sitting still. But I can knit and watch t.v. at the same time. Author Laurie Perry describes in her book, "Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair - The True-Life Misadventures of a 30-Something Who Learned to Knit After He Split," how focusing both on cleaning and knitting help her transition through her divorce.

Facing the burned-out light bulbs

This morning after taking out the recycling/garbage which takes an hour or so, I changed the burned out light bulb by the garage. It had been out for some weeks. This symbolizes my new outlook and acceptance that I'm on my own again and just have to do it myself. Changing the light bulbs outside is such a pain it takes me time to get to them. (I don't think I have ever changed one the day it burned out.) I have to drag a chair from inside the house to stand on and the light fixture itself is hard to manipulate. Plus it is cold out there!

Part of me sometimes puts off doing chores like this as some kind of protest, I think. Part of me is angry that I got forced into this role of widow/divorcee and not completing a chore is my way of exerting some kind of control over this situation even though that doesn't really make any sense. I guess it is my way of saying it sucks to always be the one having to change all the light bulbs, much less buy all the light bulbs in the first place!

I had really hoped my remarriage was a new, fresh start for me and some freedom from the drudgery and tiredness that comes from having to do everything on your own all the time! If I could convey just one thing about the difficulties of being widowed, it would be on this topic. How hard and endlessly draining it becomes to have to do and have to think about everything! Even more so when there are still children at home. For me it is hard to relax or have downtime ever and over the course of years that is taking a toll. I find that even when I have an opportunity to relax that it is almost impossible to do so because I'll start worrying about some task or the boys. People just can't imagine or put their shoes into this situation. "How hard can it be?" is one response I have heard over the years. It is almost that I have become numb inside emotionally and outside physically from the constant worry, stress, stain and drain.

But I faced that light bulb squarely today and it got changed. And I'm going to try and face all the other burned out bulbs, clogged sinks, overflowing laundry baskets, flat tires, overdrawn checking accounts, bills that have to be paid, meals to be made, computers to fix, weeds to be pulled, garbage to be hauled to the curb with at least more courage and strength. I don't have to like doing all these tasks on my own but I can face them more timely and honestly. I have been hiding behind my grief over the end of my marriage and the death of my husband. There comes a time when you just can't hide behind the sorrow anymore and you have to face reality. That is where I am today - I don't like it one bit but I have to face it.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have the ability to walk the garbage to the curb - what if my leg was broken or something worse?
2. That there is plenty of food to last through the month.
3. That I am somehow getting through all this and facing/dealing with it as best I can.

Focusing on the Present

I had a migrane today when I woke up and I realized I had been dreaming about my soon-to-be ex-husband, which I have been doing with increased frequency. I remembered that what I had been dreaming about were the "what ifs" and lost chances, how much I was at fault, etc. That was all certainly a downer and depressing. Then it was snowing quite a bit and I got to worrying about what will happen next winter when I have a job. What if the weather is snowy and lousy and I am afraid to drive because if I get in an accident I will not be able to replace the van. I was caught frantically between the past and the future, ironically, neither of which exist! My emotions were heightened and I was becoming agitated with fear. But really over what since the dimensions of past and future aren't actual? The only time that is real is the present.

Back in November when I was struggling with all of this I purchased a bracelet from the Signals catalog bearing this inscription: "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment - Buddha." I was finding that if I could remain focused on the day or time at hand I was much less likely to become freaked out and scared. I wanted to wear the bracelet to help me stay focused on this. I also began to wear inexensive affirmation jewelry such as bracelets with the peace sign and some rings with healing crystals. Anything that could help me stay focused on what I can control and not what is out of my complete jurisdiction because it doesn't exist!

Focus on what can be done!

1/2/09

Today I have been a little frustrated at not being able to take care of some matters with my real estate and divorce attorneys. Both offices are closed because of the holidays. I am doing my best to redirect my focus and energies on what I can do now. And I think that this has also got to be more of my focus in 2009. To take action on what I do have some control over and letting go of all that I do not. Harder than it seems but at this point there is no use in worrying over things I can't attend to today.