Labor Day

When I was a kid, Labor Day really meant that no one was working except at the hospital. If you needed gas or groceries you waited until Tuesday or prepared by buying them over the weekend. No one went out to McDonald's - we had cookouts with our family. Today that has all changed and what makes me feel sad is that the people I think need and probably deserve the break the most - those working in the service industry of sales and fast food, are actually still working on the day created to give everyone a rest!

Speaking of a rest. My oldest came home from college for the weekend, but this was not a planned visit. He advised me he was coming home while already on the train back. When he texted that he was bringing laundry, I actually groaned out loud. Laundry? I have to do MORE laundry over this holiday weekend? I did the laundry, although one of the nicer aspects of his being away is that there is less to do now. And for those who'd say I should have made him do the laundry, well his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with him, and she was the reason he came home in the first place. I let him sleep in and have a bit of a break before heading back.

I've heard of women in my town who have gone to visit their kids away at school and have spent weekends cleaning their apartments. I don't think I'll ever end up doing that. For one thing, I'm just too tired these days for any more 'labor" or any more than I have to do. I do believe that my tiredness and weariness in regard to housework and such does relate directly to the many years I've been doing it by myself.

I just read that having to make decisions on one's own constantly is a huge responsibility and ends up causing significant life stress. I can attest to that. Apparently a lot of the stress ends up being in regard to fear of making the wrong decisions and then having to live with oneself when a wrong decision is made! Anyway, it is hard to always be the one deciding everything and having to make decisions without input.

So as for labor, I'm ready for retirement and a very long rest with my feet up! (I'm not kidding.)

Awards & Validation

My sons are transitioning well into college and the senior year of high school.

My oldest is considering joining a business fraternity that offers internships to all its members. He claims that the members last year all got jobs within 3 months of graduation. He is doing well socially, but I knew that would be one of his strengths. When he auditioned for admittance into the music dept., the head of the music college was there, and was so impressed he invited my son out to lunch off campus for an opportunity to get to know him.

There was a period of a week and a half, when my son wanted to drop a class he didn't feel he'd do well in and his adviser was against the request. But that has been worked out within the time deadline and my son is much happier with his new class. It was a good exercise for him to have to stand up for himself and go after what he knew in his heart was the right decision. And to accomplish that on his own.

My youngest, went through a few tough days himself at the start of the year when all of his teachers kept making references to his older brother. But he has received a few "awards" of his own. His graphic arts teacher told him that he is one of the top two, if not top graphic artist in the school. As such, he was drafted to design the cover for the Fall Band Festival Program, the Homecoming Tickets and the Fall Play Posters. He has been working on the band design first since it is due on Tuesday and I have to say that the design and format are pretty incredible. I couldn't do what he does creatively and then with the computer. Good for him to finally get some recognition in an area his brother is not a star.

I feel sad at times that the boys' dad isn't here to experience the talents and awards of his sons. When I tell people, the few in my life I do talk to about my sons there isn't the sense of pride and warmth that would come from a parent experiencing the successes of one of their own. When my husband was alive it was enough to share the successes, talents and accomplishments of our boys with each other. With him gone, I find that I make and effort to tell someone the good news about my sons simply because I have to share it with someone. But oftentimes, the end result is one of disappointment because quite simply, no one can love your kids more than you do. They may nod and smile and say "that's nice," but it is somewhat rote and superficial. Just another "loss" to tick off on my list - for my sons and for me. And one that is taken for granted by those married or if not, still with a co-parent in which to share and bask in the joy that comes from having decent and pretty good kids. And I suppose I should add, that most kids are pretty good and decent. And most talented in something. So I do think that most parents share these moments together at certain points in their kids' lives - the soccer goals scored, the academic recognition, the band or orchestra solos...

Parents can get off on bragging about their offspring to each other. I sometimes fear that I may come across as a braggart or overly involved with my sons because when I talk to people I do mention the successes of my kids. But it's not like I'm going to dwell on what isn't going well for them (which thankfully has never been that much). Still, you know how there is always that PTA mom out there that has to brag about how her kids are in the gifted program (real example from my past). When she spreads it on thick it can get annoying. I spread it on because if I don't, I just might burst - I have to not because I'm overly singing my sons' praises. I think that when our kids do well, we can feel validated that we've also done something well. And boy of boy, do widows need to feel and hear that praise.

Crazy Life

Just wishing for a little peace and tranquility these days. The past weekend has been a bit crazy with Prom. Then my debit card was involved in fraudulent activity - someone tried to use it in California but my account was flagged and the account closed before any money was withdrawn from my accounts - thank goodness for that! But it is disconcerting to know that my info. was obtained including my PIN # - I guess I feel as though I've been violated in some way. Tonight at Knit Club another member had the same thing happen to her debit card over the weekend in California as well. We both use the same bank. I was glad to know it wasn't some weird curse on me - apparently a number of other folks in the community were targeted.

To top it off, my sons' vehicle was hit by a baseball during batting practice in the high school parking lot on Monday - the entire front windshield will need to be replaced and I'm still waiting to hear if the school will help with the cost - my insurance deductible is $500.00 so I'll be paying for it without insurance reimbursement.

Those events have kept me hopping. Need a little R&R and time off to myself. It gets so hectic at the end of the school year. And I honestly have come to believe that life's glitches are much easier to deal with when shared with a supportive partner - facing all this stuff on one's own is very tedious and wearing - physically and mentally.

Shopping Story

Why do we have so many unsettling incidents at the check out line of the grocery store? Is it because when we are there we're usually stressed, hurried and out of sorts? I usually try my best to be on my best behavior at the grocery store. Meaning I'll give up my spot to a person with fewer groceries or a harried parent. I try to make nice uplifting compliments. But sometimes I do get upset when I'm behind a person taking forever or there is a price check delay. One checker actually sneered at the half-price items in my cart and haughtily told me she would never buy "at code" products for her family! I didn't get upset. Just replied that as long as I use or freeze an item by its at code date there is no problem with it. Then I avoid her line whenever I see her at the store.

My sister passed on this story to me some weeks ago. It was late Saturday afternoon and she was at a big local chain tired and irritable. The woman she was behind was taking forever with a cart filled with $200.00 of groceries. "And then she brought out a fist load of coupons!" my sister added. She observed that the woman was about 60 and looked as though she wanted to talk to someone. "As if that weren't enough, after the groceries were run up the woman gave the checker an assortment of cloth bags of her own with detailed and specific instructions to pack all the cold and frozen items together!" By this time my sister was not amused. But she decided to not give into her irritation and instead be more sympathetic.

She overheard the woman explain the need for the specific packing because when she gets home she is too tired to bring all the bags in and just gets the cold things in first. My sister felt an affinity and connection with this woman's admission because face it, we're all pretty tired. She thought the woman's packing idea was a good one and perhaps she should do it too.

I related that it is such a hassle for me to lug in groceries up to a second floor apartment that if the boys aren't home to help me, I too, just bring in the perishable items. Sometimes by the end of the week, my car looks like I'm living in it. It is actually pretty embarrassing. But there are times too, that I'm just too tired to make multiple trips to and fro from the car.

So I guess this rendition is a hope for us to be nicer in grocery stores. My sister said she felt so much better adopting a kind attitude vs. one that was critical. And I feel for all of us out there leaving canned goods in the car longer than necessary simply because we're too drained to bring them in. Just going to the grocery store is tiring enough for me, much less bringing them in and putting them away. Did I tell you that sometimes the groceries just stay in their bags on the floor until they are used...?

Chilly Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Winter again. It is so cold out there. Over the weekend, it snowed but I didn't scrape my car off until this morning - we all drove the van, and it took me almost an hour to do so since the ice was frozen on under a layer of snow. Winter has become my season of dread because it involves having to do more - check the weather, warm up the vehicles, scrape them off, wear more layers and boots... All these other extra steps to add to my already overburdened shoulders.

I had to go out to an appointment that led me through a strip mall. I noticed a number of elderly men dropping off their wives at the doors of various stores. It made me think back to the days when my husband scraped the cars and filled them with gas. Such a blessing when there was another pair of hands to assist with chores and duties. I went on thinking that I sure hope these women realize how nice it is to get dropped off in front of a door, to have someone pay you attention with kind, meaningful gestures that make a task or duty a little easier. I always say that if I am fortunate enough to remarry and live with a husband again, I will be way more thankful for gestures such as this than I was with my husband. I pretty much took his filling the tanks for granted.

I feel in general that all of us need to be more kind, gentle and tolerant of others. We seem to be so quick to snap to judgments and to be right. I hope these women are kind and caring wives at home. Carolyn Myss suggests that when we are ready to criticize someone, that we take those words and turn them on ourselves - try them on for size so to speak. Then after saying them to ourselves, we need to see how we feel. Chances are the criticism we're dishing out doesn't feel so hot. She then advises that we modify our words to be more gentle and less harsh. I really like this idea. To take a moment and step back and think about our words before delivering them. I know it is sometimes easier said - when we're angry or upset words tend to fly out pretty quickly. But with practice, change becomes easier. Just having this idea in my head will help me the next time I am ready to fling some words that would probably be better not spoken. I have a plan in place to step back and reflect. If I don't like hearing the words/advice/criticism I'm giving out if it is directed at myself and it is hurtful, why would I want to pass that on?

Step back for a moment and listen to the words being stated with your head. There is then time to modify those words with kindness from the heart.

Frustration Tolerance

Life is made up of all these minor annoyances during our days: water heaters break, rude sales clerks, having to wait in endless lines, people who cut us off on the road and then give us the finger... In regard to that last one, can we please all grow up and just stop that? Can I call for "No one giving anyone the finger day" for one day a year? It is so rude and unnecessary. Anyway, you get my point.

This past week I've dealt with my share of frustrations. I'm trying to get my oldest son a new acne prescription that requires this pretty confusing and complicated registration process. We tried getting it for him in the spring and I eventually gave up. After a month of endless interactions with the drug company, the doctor and Walmart pharmacy I couldn't take it anymore. I figured it was no longer my job to try and figure it all out when the other professionals couldn't get it together and do so.

- We have a new doctor and are going through the same craziness. I spent one whole day earlier this week on the phone with the drug company and the doctor and made two trips to Walmart as well, hating that I used the gas for nothing. I also had to get a new prescription from the doctor which the drug company says wasn't needed but Walmart required so that was another trip to the doctor and Walmart. What I am told by the drug company is that my son is inactive in the system and needs to be reactivated. The doctor's office then calls the drug company and/or goes on line to register my son and are told he is reactivated and all systems are go. Then Walmart can't fill the order and we go through the whole process again.

- In the meantime, I took in my prescription for my anti-anxiety pills and the order couldn't be filled because the doctor hadn't put in a quantity. So I had to wait about a week for the refill because the doctor is only in the office a few days a week. I made it through but noticed that I was having trouble sleeping again not taking the pills and as my frustration increased with my son's prescription not getting filled I started wanting a pill to take to help calm my nerves.

- Wednesday night, 9:00 p.m., my oldest announces that he needs to wear black pants and a black shirt to play in a Veteran's Day assembly the next day. Thanks for the heads up! Thankfully, I try and wash his "good" clothes immediately after they are worn and hang them up so they were ready to go in the closet. Had they not have been, I'd had to stay up throwing in a load of laundry, just my favorite task to do at 10 p.m.!

- My oldest tells me that the oil light has been on in the van for a number of days and he needs an oil change. I become somewhat frantic worried that the van's engine has been burned out because of this. I speak sharply to my son and have to come up with $20.00 we don't have for an oil change, although I used a coupon and that helped save some money. In the end, the car guys said the oil was fine and it turns out my son noticed the oil light coming on when he started the van. It was never on when he was driving but it worried him. So, again, we could have made it through a couple more weeks without this extra expense. But he feels more secure driving now and we don't need another oil change until February. But talk about needing an anti-anxiety pill (Klonopin)! I truly thought we were headed for even more car repair bills.

- My youngest asked for my help with a craft project for school (extra credit for Chemistry). Go figure, crafts in Chemistry. I went to JoAnn's for felt, glue and pipe cleaners. Again, this former craft queen cringes having to spend any extra money for crafts right now. In fact, after the project was completed I went back to JoAnn's, which is next to Walmart anyway, to return two unused pieces of felt and a small bottle of tacky glue. I got back $1.26 but worth it to me. Those dollars and even pennies add up when you're living under reduced circumstances as we are. The sad part of this story, however, is that after significant effort helping with this silly project, my son failed to tell me that the animal we had to make out of felt needed to be stuffed. While working on the project there was even a bag of stuffing out on the chair beside us! As a result, my son only received 20 points out of 30. I know it is not my fault and all, it was just disappointing to learn of this oversight!

- I am leaving the best for last following my oldest son's statement to me that he is out of deodorant. I was in bed ready to go to sleep, when my youngest came in and threw a pair of jeans on top of me, saying, "Here is a contribution to Goodwill." I replied, "That was very rude of you to throw those on me like that." He stomped out of the room with a reply of "You're rude!" Yes, the fun of parenting adolescent males!

I'd say this is a fair share of little inconveniences and frustrations that happen to all of us. I think, however, that there are then the "bigger" ones looming in our lives. We have to balance between the day-to-day annoyances that pop up as well as the ongoing difficulties going on in our lives. In my case, the need for a new job and the job search, dealing with grave financial limitations, needing to get my sedan fixed but not having the extra funds to do so. We're short this month because of the $600.00 in car insurance that was due.

I dealt with frustrations pretty well when I was married - the smaller ones were easier to brush off and forget about and with my husband, we were always able to come together with solutions for the more major challenges. Now on my own, I don't do to well under the pressure of the little stuff combined with the big stuff. There seems to be something always to worry about and the small stuff is harder to just ignore.

At least I've figured out the best times to go to Walmart without having to wait in line with another 13 people! Yes, 13 people have been in front of me, more than once! Don't hit Walmart after work, between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m. or on weekend. And I learned how to get my photos off my phone onto the computer and then to my blog (all by myself, I'll add!). Yeah, non-techie Mom!

A Spilled Cup of Coffee

I accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my hand at work earlier this week. It wasn't super hot so there was no burning but the initial shock startled me and I had tears in my eyes. The tears were partly for the first sting of pain but what followed were feelings of self-pity. The thought crossed my mind that here I was at a nursing home where my job for eight hours is to care for people in need - providing them a bit of comfort when I can, as well as helping them with physical tasks they are helpless to do on their own.

I then thought about the three years I spent as a caregiver to my husband during his illness and the care I provided for my dearly beloved Mom. Then the only parenting all these years...

This widowhood gig sure has demanded a lot of care giving to others with not much back. To a great extent I am a natural caregiver which is why I'm working as a nursing assistant in the first place. But still. The incident with the spilled coffee made me realize how lacking the widowed can be from small daily doses of comfort and support that are generally taken for granted. I just wanted to be able to come home and hold out my hand and have it tenderly held and looked at by someone clucking in sympathy. Just a little TLC to refill the care giving bank that's already over-drafted.

It just keeps adding up over time. The emotional and physical isolation of living without a partner, the loneliness and the lack of daily support. It doesn't go away - it's a constant, dull ache. Every time I come home to an empty residence (still have trouble saying apartment). Every time I fall and skin my knee or am having a tough day and long for a hug. Life isn't meant to be lived this way - we all need comfort, love and support. The sad reality is that there are those of us out here living on our own without those necessary hugs and pats (verbal and physical) on the back. There is no solution. And that makes it even tougher. An empty home is an empty home. There is no one's shoulder to sniffle into to garner some sympathy. What else can I say?

Well, I guess there is something I will say. From my perspective of being six and a half years out, the absolutely worst part of widowhood is the loneliness and being on my own. Handling and climbing through the hell of my husband's death was a piece of cake compared to the ongoing struggle of having to continue to trudge through life on my lonesome.

Continued Cluelessness

One of the initial intentions I had when I started this blog was to garner some sympathy and understanding for those traveling the widow road. Specifically, to convey what I termed "The Fatigue and Drain of Widowhood." It is difficult to describe to others who are not in this position, just how draining and fatiguing this life is on so many levels.

Grief in and of itself is exhausting physically and mentally - it is relentless work - a job. To add to that comes tiredness from not sleeping or sleeping poorly, as well as loss of energy and strength due to lack of exercise and not eating well or consistently.

But I have found the worst to be all that has come from the emotional and mental side. Having to learn new skills and take over tasks that were unfamiliar; always thinking ahead and coming up with contingency plans for "what if" circumstances; being put on the spot and having to scramble in 10 different directions when a monkey wrench altered a situation; just figuring out and planning the details of daily living so life runs somewhat according to plan and smoothly.

It is physically draining to be the only one always taking out the garbage, cleaning up the house, doing chores inside and out, running to the store, filling the cars with gas. But even more so, the emotional void that occurs because there is no one to brainstorm with, no partner to call on the way home from work with the request to put the casserole into the oven to save 30 minutes of cooking time. It is the big things (car emergencies, money issues, etc.) but even more, the daily, little things that build up with time - not having someone telling you that your outfit or hair look nice, not having that special someone give you a hug when you leave or return for the day.

Not having someone to lean on both physically and emotionally.

You get depleted, tapped out, the tank is always running on empty.

Putting one foot in front of the dragging other, day after day because there is not much choice otherwise.

Just cut us a little slack - give us a break. Understand where we are coming from. But no, we're judged and held accountable as though hubby were still taking out the garbage and getting the cars tuned up. In fact, there have been plenty out there who've been critical of not only what I've done or decisions I've made. Then there is the criticism for not being able to keep up and falling short. And then to feel guilty and upset with myself because of other people's ignorance and lack of compassion! Looking back, those who were most critical were those unwilling to offer a helping hand or emotional support.

I had really hoped to change things not only out there in the world but within my own little life too. I don't think that has happened. I don't believe that people can or will get this. It's futile for me to try and explain my perspective. Unless you live this, you don't know - you'll never know.

Case in point - even those who have known me the most closely fail to get this - the complications and stress of this life. I continue to be compared and judged along with all of those with more "traditional" lifestyles.

Back in September, just after I'd made a major move on my own from a five bedroom home to a two bedroom apartment, I mentioned needing a computer desk to Sam, the man I was involved with. Now this was a point where I was so physically worn out from the packing and moving, etc. I could barely stand. I won't even go into the emotional pain in regard to all that was going on in regard to my having had to sell the home at virtually no profit and to move the boys and I. I continued working at the big box store and was involved in unpacking and trying to organize a new place for the boys and I. And with no help - very little physical or emotional support at all.

And during this period, which Sam was fully aware of, his response to me in regard to my needing a computer stand was to go around town hitting garage sales - to obtain one that way. Here is this poor woman, stretched to the limit with no free time and doing her best to handle an extremely difficult situation on her own while keeping it together for her kids, and she was expected on top of all that to search at garage sales.

That's what I mean about people's unrealistic expectations of us. Sure, fine, I could scope out garage sales in my other life before widowhood when I had a husband at home lending a helping hand with parenting and the house. But not in this situation. And I find that total disregard and lack of understanding for my life almost insulting.

When I told Sam that his idea was unrealistic and that I'd have to check out inexpensive options at either Target, Walmart of Pier 1, I heard back that I wouldn't be getting a deal and the other option was better. So, I couldn't win - I wouldn't be able to do the garage sale hopping. And when I admitted that I had to do something else and adapt, there was criticism for that as well.

I don't mean to pick on Sam totally here because this has happened numerous times in the course of my widowhood. This example was recent enough that I could recall it with some detail.

I have just come to find that it doesn't much matter what I do because whatever it is, it will be met with criticism and perceived as falling short. I don't know what the deal is here - are people totally clueless? It seems as though it is quite easy for people to lay on criticism for me as a widow that I don't hear other people receiving. Why is it is so easy for someone to discount my grief when I have really gone through some trying times with a phrase such as "Your life is better than if you were living in Africa." I have heard countless women over the years complain about trivial matters such as their husband's being gone on a week-long business trip leaving them alone with the kids and house. Or, complaints about slow-moving workmen involved in their house remodeling project. Or the fact that they've had to go an extra week without a manicure because the girl who does it has been out on vacation. And yet I have never heard anyone tell THESE women that their lives could be worse if they were living in Africa and they should be grateful!

I'm perplexed. And I'm sad and disappointed with the overall and general lack of understanding for those of us in this position (not by choice and by unfortunate circumstances). All I've wanted was a little compassion, maybe a nod of the head instead of a stern finger wagging at me in disapproval. Widowhood is a no win situation to begin with - and continues to be as a widow.

Another One Bites the Dust

My close girlfriend's ex-husband just lost his job. He was the Art/Advertising Director for a family owned mid-sized Chicago area company. Been there about 8 years. Here is the deal - two, young people have been hired to replace him, each at half his salary. So the company is getting two employee's basically for the price of one. This concept blows me away! Now we've got another talented, experienced 50-year-old dad with kids in college out of work. Way to go world, economy and recession! He is getting paid his salary until August so has some income for the next three and a half months. But still.

I went to a job fair today at a nursing home. The experience sobered me. It had a meat market feeling to it - they interviewed three of us in the same room, at the same time. I was told that this was a screening interview and they'd get back if interested within the next day or two. There weren't tons of applicants there, and I was glad I made the effort to go and get out there. I don't think I impressed the young woman interviewing me. What I felt afterward was gratefulness that I even have the crappy job I have now. It is brutal out there.

I am trying to pump myself up with kudos that only weeks after moving, I went back to school for a short-term program that I knew would get me work. And I did find a job within a month of my starting to look. Granted, this is not the be all, end all job of my life. But it is respectful and honorable work. What I am beginning to realize is how hard it will be to procure a job in my professional field. What you need in this job market is lots of time and energy - both of which I have little of right now. I think too, that emotional support from family, friends or a partner is also key. It is so easy to get discouraged and depleted looking for work in this environment. And that is another strike against my situation.

I need to build up my base of contacts again and want to take a class at the community college this summer because that has been a way that has always done this for me in the past. But again, the lack of time is the monkey wrench. Today's excursion took a big chunk of my day off from work and all that needs to be done at home is still waiting to get done. BIG SIGH.

Another recent goal that has to be attained is my getting my counseling credentials updated. I have no clue how to go about this and taking a class would expose me to other people in the same boat. Plus, I could get assistance/guidance from the class instructors.

Well, those are the current goals that are being formulated for now. Just another hurdle in the life of a middle-aged widowed mom with two active teen boys. I do get so frustrated with the busyness of life and the reality that there just isn't enough time in which to get it all done. There is calling the school for various issues related to attendance and class registration, dealing with doctors and the pharmacy, making sure kids have clean clothes and sports uniforms.

So many people out there are struggling with the recession and job loss. I have read that every adult in our country knows someone out of work. Tough, challenging times are best faced with support and strength in numbers. I am feeling so depleted and drained working and trying to find a better, more suitable position. While the prospect of moving forward with taking a class and getting my license in order is stimulating and positive, the reality of it also overwhelms and frustrates me.

This widowhood gig is already a job. I feel as though all I ever do is work and worry. It is tough to juggle so many responsibilities single handed and then have so little free time or a chance to recoup/relax. Working outside the home is a job on top of another job already in place. Living with a partner would undoubtedly make the everydayness of life much more manageable. I will kiss the ground my future husband walks on if I am fortunate enough to someday remarry (I'm totally serious). For those with partners, please be grateful for the fact that household jobs and tasks are divided to some degree. And to have someone to talk to at day's end about the job fair and job hunting plans is immeasurable. Don't take your marriages and the perks that go along with them for granted.

Hell's Nursing Home

I scoffed at the people training me at my job when they said they do not take any breaks or the 30-minute lunch period. They all work straight through 8-hours and do not get paid for the half-hour lunch they didn't take. I, flatly refused to be one of them. If I'm not going to get paid for working through my lunch you better believe I'm going to take it. I need the break anyway to refuel, recharge and refresh.

Well, that was while I was still in training. Now that I am working alone with an assigned group of residents of my own to care for, I've also become one of the CNAs working through without any break or even an opportunity to sit down. Yes, I am standing the entire 8-hours I am at work!

There is simply too much to do and not enough time to do it in - boy, does that sound like my life in general!

Today, I was assigned to 12 residents of whom 8 are unable to move by themselves and various equipment and lifts are needed. Two CNAs are required to operate the equipment so a lot of time is spent trying to track down someone to assist. But of course, everyone else is busy with their own residents so good luck!

I had the pleasure of caring for a 71-year-old woman retired from working as a CNA for 28 years. She scolded the staff member who assigned me to her group of residents saying because of the lifts needed, it was too hard a group for a new CNA to handle. But somehow I made it without getting a headache and every day it gets a little easier!

This is the work load:

Wake residents, change them, dress them, wash faces, comb hair, put in wheel chairs, assemble wheel chair leg lifts, make and/or completely change beds, find clean linen if available, tidy resident rooms, including emptying garbage.

Then, get the residents into the dining hall, help serve breakfast trays, help feed residents who need assistance eating, take trays to residents eating in their rooms, clean up dining hall after breakfast.

Give 2-3 residents a shower, answer call lights, do various tasks requested by nurses, assist residents w/toileting or going back to bed, rotate any resident on bed rest, etc.

Lunch requires getting the residents back in the dining room, passing trays, cleaning up, etc.

And on top of all this, assisting the other CNAs when they need help with their residents and completing paperwork at the end of the shift. It is a joke, that in addition to all of these duties, the nurses require the CNAs to walk/exercise some of the residents. So far, I haven't seen any CNA able to tackle that task. I know I am unable to fit it in!

Today, by 11:00, when I was supposed to go to lunch, I still had three residents I had not gotten to and dressed. They prefer to eat breakfast in their rooms. I just said forget it to lunch. I lucked out not having to give any showers - one resident refused and I gave her a partial bedbath, and the other requested hers at bedtime. I'm not sure how I would have fit in the showers otherwise. I was unable to finish the paperwork until 2:10 - a huge improvement over the 45 minutes I worked overtime without pay my last shift.

If I were not a widowed mom in my current position, I would say forget it to this job. It is physically impossible to handle successfully and I am angered that employees are being treated this way. Being a CNA is literally a backbreaking job and you would think an employer would want its employees to take care of themselves because they are so responsible for the residents.

It would be a blessing to have a husband to lean on at this point. To know the mortgage/rent was being paid and my job not so direly essential. But I am not in that position and my sons desperately need summer clothing - I don't have a choice or many options at this point and that is what sometimes makes my life disheartening. I'm currently only working three days a week. Is working three backbreaking days without a break worth it? Will I eventually crumble? What do you do when you're in a position where you feel your NEW employer is unethical and harming the very people it is being paid to care for? Again, so many questions and decisions to make on my own without a lot of support or feedback from others. If my husband were around, you can bet that we'd be discussing all of this. But if he were alive I'd still be employed as a mental health counselor...

It's funny, while I was dressing a resident, a news program was airing that talked about unemployment and the recession. It was stated that people my age are having a tough time and many have had to go back to school for retraining. Then, the rise in health care jobs was reported but the $20,000 low pay of CNAs was also mentioned. I will get out of this job eventually. I became a CNA to get my foot in the door to obtain some type of social services job in a nursing home. And eventually, that will happen for me. I have a Master's Degree and I am an intelligent woman. But I feel for my co-workers without college degrees who will retire as CNAs. It is a very sad situation. I am suspecting that I work at one of the "bad" nursing homes but I fear that the current trend for any job is to cut corners as much as possible. There needs to be at least two additional CNAs or one and a floater per shift from what I can see. This nursing home has downsized to the point of being hazardous to its residents.

There was a mandatory CNA meeting last week to deal with the poor helping attitudes of the CNAs. I kept comparing myself to the Asst. Administrator conducting the meeting and thinking I would have done a better job. When a social worker or therapist comes into one of my resident's room, all I can think of is how I should be doing that job!

I had hoped there would be time to interact more with the residents because personal, one-on-one interaction with people is one of my strongest skills. But the time is so rushed and limited. That makes me sad too. I make a point of trying to compliment the residents I work with. One is known as a curmudgeon. The staff couldn't believe this woman and I were getting along. The resident told me she doesn't get many compliments from the staff. She confided that they do not like to work with her. I was grateful for the detailed instructions she gave me for her care and told her so. She ended up helping me and in the end that is what it is all about.

Finally, A Break At Last!

First of all, I am very grateful for the kindness and support received from those leaving responses the past few days. I will try and comment on your individual responses but am still feeling sick so may not get to it today - I'll try for tomorrow afternoon.

There is finally some good news. I called the State this morning and have been advised that I can still maintain the insurance - it renews and has to be re-qualified for in a year. So that is the biggest load off my shoulders! Having insurance for the boys has no doubt been the biggest worry I have faced the past couple of years - and it is the number one worry I have had. At least that can now be put to rest for the time being.

I've thought long and hard about this job. It is not the best fit for me but I need to work. It is also extremely physically and emotionally draining. For that reason, I called in today and requested that I go down to part-time hours until the boys are out of school. Then I can reassess the situation and go from there. This way, I can work and it will be less physically and emotionally taxing on me and the boys. And I can use some of the days off to look for another, more suitable position. And I can devote the time to clearing out the storage sheds once and for all now that the weather is warm and mild enough to do so. I feared that if I continued to work full-time, I would end up a basket case and be so exhausted I'd have no energy for anything on my days off but catching up on my sleep.

In a way, making this decision was one based totally on what I want and need. I don't love this job. It is difficult for me to motivate myself to go. But at the same time I want to make an effort at it - hopefully I'll feel more comfortable with more experience. I've never not worked in my life. I have worked since my preteen years. Actually, my first job was in second grade selling seeds and Christmas cards door-to-door. I worked for almost all my own clothing in high school and put myself entirely through undergrad and grad school. I did not receive a penny from my parents for my undergrad college! So, I have been working hard for a long time.

It is just when I was widowed that it became hard to work and parent on my own. Just not enough hours in the day and too much to do. Working part-time is my preference if possible because I have trouble doing it all on my own. My requesting part-time hours is the one concession I can give to myself knowing how hard it is to run a household and parent solo. I know myself and my limitations. It will still be hard working part-time. But at least not as hard. and maybe once I get into the swing of things it won't be as hard increasing my hours. Or I can work more over the summer months and cut back again when the boys go back to school.

I am glad I stood up for myself but feeling upset at all the anguish that has existed in my heart and soul over the past days worrying about this issue. Part of it is the fact that I live alone and don't have an adult partner or even family member to turn to when this stuff comes up. It is bearing the brunt of the unknown alone. And that increases the anxiety and stress. No one is around to say, "Hang in there. It'll be okay. Let's put this to rest right now and watch some mindless t.v. to take our minds off it." Sometimes it is impossible to distract oneself despite the best intentions. This is one of the advantages of living with someone. Having someone around who cares about you and to physically and emotionally lean on is worth its weight in gold.

For now, I am working hours that I think are manageable and I have insurance for my family. My hope has been restored. The new L. L. Bean catalog came today and for a moment I let myself imagine buying a bright lime green blazer and short blue chino skirt that I'd look good in. It has been so long that I've allowed myself the luxury of such fantasy. And that felt good - no it felt great. Much, much better than the dismal feelings of failure, doom and gloom that have been floating around in my mind the past days!

I think being sick has not helped and I am still fighting whatever it is I got. I just do not feel myself or up to snuff. It doesn't help going into work and trying to orientate to a new job when you don't feel well. And it has probably contributed to the worry and anxiety. I am sure being under the weather increased my feelings of despair and depression. I hope I will kick these lingering feelings of malaise in the days ahead - I still have to work but I think the relief I feel knowing that we still have insurance will let me relax more and deal with going back to work better. I would say that when you're sick there isn't much spare energy left to boost your mood and morale up. You're already physically down and that is where your mood kind of remains too.

Thank you all again for listening and caring. I hope if anything, that what this has accomplished is for others out there to realize how desperate and necessary the issue of affordable health care for struggling families and individuals is and has become.

On the Mend a Little Bit

I am on the mend but still not 100%. What I am finding is that while I'm ill, my mood and optimism seem to have plummeted too. So right now along with being sick, I am down and out. I am telling myself that this is okay. I need to concentrate on getting better and forget all those plans to go out and conquer the world. There is a lot of sadness though about there not being someone here to provide a little nurturing. I really believed that by this time I would have long been remarried and reestablished in a "normal" life again. I had so hoped that my sons would have had a prominent and caring male figure in their lives. Part of me cannot believe that the relationships I've entered into since my husband died ended up causing me a whole lot more pain. But why am I even thinking of this stuff? I guess being so under the weather and on my own having to battle it brings forth these thoughts and longings.

Maybe being sick causes us to feel even more vulnerable and helpless than we normally do. Everyday there is such a fight to hang in there emotionally. Now another layer is added - that of fighting to regain physical strength. I am very tired, weak and drawn out right now. Part of me wants to just stay down here in the muck and grime because I don't seem to have much energy or desire to have at it again. Some old ghosts have come to pay a visit - the ghosts of my old house, my divorce, the life I used to have. I could sure use a real person in the flesh and blood right now to drop on by - not one of these old memories. Is this what they mean by the saying "Misery Loves Company?"

"Bonbon" Eating Widow Replies

I got that question again yesterday - "What do you do with your day/time?" from someone failing to see that my days aren't really ones that I spend leisurely. Before widowhood, I was not a complainer, especially about parenthood or work. There may have been times when I had a trying day and might have been a bit mopey. But I never griped about or wished away my chores or duties. Since widowhood, I feel as though most of my days are spent just trying to get through the grind and make it into bed and I feel so drained, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The best way I can describe it is like living with a low-grade fever that never goes away. The fatigue is constant, dull and aching but not enough to warrant a visit to the hospital. You learn to live with it.

I have never discussed this before but I think it bears some recognition. For those of us caring for our ill spouses, there were the years before their deaths that wrecked havoc with our lives. By this I mean that the three years of my husband's illness left me fatigued and weary even before I got smacked into the sphere of widowhood. People coping with severe illness of their loved ones are already existing in a surreal life, even years before having to deal with death, loss and grief. There are hospitalizations, numerous medical visits, medical treatments and so on. The family has to manage the illness along with continuing to live in the "regular" world. Life goes on without you and around you while you continue to care for kids, buy groceries, work and deal with a major illness.

Looking back, the hardest aspect of all of this was the surreal world of the hospital. And someone with a serious illness spends much time there with it transitioning to full time at the end. I found hospitals to be their own, separate worlds. There is a different time and feel to them. As soon as you enter one, the outside world is gone. In those last three wearying months when my husband was hospitalized full-time, I spent my days at the hospital. There I was dealing with life and death decisions, sometimes without warning. Thoughts about severe static on the the landline phone, needing to call a repairman and the laundry backing up ceased to exist while conferring with the medical staff. I would be existing in this strange new world of hospital life that would evaporate as soon as I left the building and grounds. Then I was back in the real world full of traffic jams and groceries to buy.

Three years of trying to balance two completely different worlds while parenting two grade school boys, maintaining a part-time job effectively and be there for my husband as a partner, friend and wife. I was already fatigued and drained when my husband died with no vacation or break before stepping off the cliff and crashing into widowhood land. And then there is the tiredness that has come with only parenting and being on my own, lonely, sad and afraid. Can't leave out the grief work involved and the utter exhaustion it entails.

So in reply to the query of what do I do with my free time all day, here is a brief picture of my life the last week or so. After getting two reluctant and slow-moving teens out the door and driving them to school, I've come home to grocery shop, then gone cold calling to apply at nursing homes. I've gone to some career counseling appointments, gotten my son track shoes and shorts, done a whole lot of miscellaneous running around for my son in the talent competition including a costume rental, taken my oldest to the doctor and dermatologist, the youngest to the doctor, gone to Walmart for prescriptions, made dinners every night, cleaned, picked up after two pretty sloppy boys, done laundry, filled the gas tank, gone to a couple school functions, registered the boys for summer baseball and umpire training, bickered at length in person and on the phone with the bed store that sold me my fouton which broke a few weeks after installation and they have rufursed to repair, dealt with the hassle of a leaking bathroom shower and the rigamaroll of its repair, assisted the boys with homework and studying, gone through and organized financial paperwork for taxes (am still considering filing bankruptcy), and dug through all my old receipts to locate the one for the fouton.

There have been a few off-times of watching television and blogging. A little reading before bed if I'm not too tired. Some reading while waiting at dr. appts., no knitting or exercise, both of which would probably do me a great deal of good. I try to blog after I've put in dinner and am waiting for it to cook so I don't spend time on it during the day when there is already too much to do.

Maybe on paper what I've done the past week doesn't look that time consuming or challenging. But all I can say is that by the end of each day I am bone tired. Perhaps it has to do with the underlying and built up fatigue of my husband's illness for so many years along with the mental exhaustion that occurs because I have had to handle everything on my own with no one by my side to share the load or help me with making decisions. Lets add a pinch of lonliness and dash of anxiety but we'll hold the physical and emotional comfort and support that comes from being in a nurturing partnership.

Part of me may have hesitated in really going out whole hog in seeking work because I am fearful of what my life will become when I do start working a regular job. I'm already out of time and tired. Things are just going to become more challenging to plan and handle!

It is all based on perspective. If you've never had to parent on your own I don't think it is possible to really comprehend the extent of the experience. I am just so tired, even on a good day when I've been rested (but I still suffer from many nights of not sleeping well). So I suppose I move, think, act and do on a slower basis than others. I'm just not quick on the draw anymore, my reflexes have slowed down. I can blame being tired but also I suppose I am less optimistic and cheerful overall. I do try to remain hopeful and upbeat but deep down there is a downtrodden piece of my soul within that I'm not sure will ever be erridicated.

What has been the point of these words? To convey the extent of my experience - it is bigger than what might be initially seen or imagined. It goes down pretty deep with many layers, some holdouts from the past.

In addition to the actual physical tasks that need to be accomplished on a daily basis such as getting groceries and filling the gas tank, there are the ones that people can't see and probably don't even know exist - the mental juggling that comes from planning in advance, anticipiating complications, figuring out contingency options and handling the problems that come up, in part from being widowed and an only parent! Try that on for size. Then handling the job of two as one, another reality that takes some new skills and practice to accomplish. There is tremendous mental exhaustion to accompany the physical fatigue. To be the sole worrier about your childrens' welfare, as well as being the sole provider and then the only one caring for the family residence and handling EVERYTHING is not an easy load to shoulder.

To those who question and criticize what I accomplish, handle and do with my "free" days and time, what I want to say if give me a freaking break.

I am grateful:

1. That January and February have passed.
2. That I don't have to anticipate bad, snowy weather for another 7-8 months.
3. That I did receive flowers this month - the rose bouquet from my son's winning the competition - I suppose getting flowers any way you can counts - although I didn't win the vase in the raffle at the antique shop.
4. For a bed to sleep in.
5. For leftovers on the nights it is too busy to cook.

Too Hard and Too Much

I feel that I have failed my boys. They've lost their Dad, their house, we've lived in a financially strapped position for years. The least I should be able to provide for them is some sense of safety and security in their home town and beloved school. But now my dire financial condition threatens that too.

I remarried because I fell in love but also because I felt that it would provide a better and more stable life for my boys. That turned out to be a bust.

They've done nothing but be my sons - that is their only crime. And they are being punished for it. For poor decisions I've made, for being too tired as a caregiver to my parents when I should have been concentrating on them. For feeling incompetent and scared as I try to market myself after not working for years. For feeling bitter and betrayed for the lack of support and help I've received from my family.

It has been too hard for to manage on my own. I have been a shitty "only" parent. I've needed more help and support. I haven't asked or demanded any. None has really been forthcoming. I have not been able to do this for as many years as I have.

My grief therapist says one of the top criteria as to how people manage being widowed is in direct correlation to how much support they receive from family, friends, community, church and other networks. We have not received much and now I feel too tired and drained to keep this up.

How can people just blindly turn an eye to us? My husband's family has been non-existent in regard to any contact or interest in the boys. I don't care if you blow me off but what about these young men who have lost so much, suffered and are still struggling to find their way? All I will say is that I would reach out to any relative I knew was struggling to raise children on their own and especially the children.

We were not the family to have the dad die. It should have been another family where there was a stronger support system in place with family that cared and was loving. Where family would reach out to offer love and support. The death is enough to have to recover from and survive. The being alone and financial struggles now seem insurmountable. Why? Because I'm just too damn exhausted from having had to try and get by on my own all these years. I don't have the energy or strength.

I feel as though I'm being forced to move because of the finances. But how can I keep going on like this? At least Sam loves me/us and has offered us what he can. Can't say the same of family or Husband #2.

But it just seems that this is such a sad and defeating moment. A sense of failure and rejection permeate my being. This is not how it should end. There should not have to be so many years of hardship and pain following such a major loss.

My siblings have lived the past six years in their same homes with their kids surviving no major upheavals or losses. How can no one fathom the amount of pain that accompanies the loss of two husbands and a home? These are tragic and horrific losses. To have to wake up every day after suffering these events and face the world and parent on one's own and try to plan and figure out the future alone - no husband/wife by your side to talk to and share the worries, as well as the burdens.

What has the world expected of us? Why has the world cast down its evil so much on this little family? Couldn't it have been spread around a bit or bypassed us? I hate life and the world right now. I don't like writing or feeling like this. It is scary to let such rage come out to the surface. But my therapist says bottling this stuff up is what leads people to become nasty and bitter. And I don't want that for my future. I do not want to be an ugly person inside as well as one who grieves. The grief is enough!

Kind Gestures

I ran up a nice older gentleman and his wife the other day at the big box store. He left the counter before his wife paid telling her, "I'll go get the car and pull it up front for you." My keen ears picked this up and I was touched by his thoughtfulness. He was looking out for his wife and showing her his concern in a small but significant way. While touched, I also compared myself to this couple and felt the sting of not having had much of that thoughtfulness come my way, even in the face of grief and multiple losses.

I miss those random acts of kindness you receive unasked from a spouse. And I miss the favors given because you've requested them. I know that I relied on my husband for much of my emotional support because my family is not close. Since my Mom has died, I feel such a void in my life. As though there really isn't anyone besides my sons and recently GF who would care if something happened to me.

Those little acts of caring really add up and an absence of them over time takes its toll. It is certainly one of the reasons I am strongly considering remarriage. It is tough going on one's own for me. Maybe a more independent woman or one with very supportive family might think differently. But the way I am made up, I need to hear frequent terms of endearment and to have someone display care and concern like the nice man shopping at my store. I am sure he thought nothing of his actions - it was probably second nature to him. But I heard and saw him and put in a good word for him with the Universe.

Note to others, especially those who know someone who is dealing with grief/loss: It doesn't take much to zip off a quick email to someone telling them you're thinking of them and are concerned. Or offer to do some small chore or errand, even as simple as picking up some groceries or milk. Better yet - just do something/anything. Showing up with chocolate, soup or a seasonal pie for instance. Dropping off a coffee or walking someone to their car. Maybe next time the checker asks me if I want assistance with my grocery bags I'll say "yes" just to have someone help me, even if in this instance it is part of their job!

We all need to feel as though someone cares. We all need to have kindness shown toward us. We need to know that we matter and that once in a while someone will lighten our loads or pull the car up so we don't have to walk through a crowed parking lot. Not a whole lot - but it doesn't take a lot. Just small, frequent gestures.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the fabulous warm and sunny weather.
2. For the kindness and interest shown to us yesterday at the high school in GF's town.
3. For the kindness and support that comes my way through these posts.
4. For Mapquest.
5. For the softened hearts and moods that most people adopt through the upcoming holiday season - something to look forward to.

Widows with Capes (Superwomen)

I didn't post last night because the computer was needed for homework and by the time it was free I was just too beat. Going back to school for this short certificate program has given me a reality check as to what it will be like to return to the work force full-time. Honestly, I don't know how only parents do it. Even with my boys being older there are logistical problems to navigate. My oldest has a volley ball tournament some distance away on Sat. I have to attend a mandatory all- staff meeting at the big box store from 7-9 a.m. to review the holiday selling strategy. I attended one of these for the bridal selling period and then for college and back-to-school shopping and found them pointless. A lot of rah rah stuff and help the customer blah blah blah but as a cashier I pretty much just ring up whatever the customers bring me. I resent having to attend these meetings at such hours because I have to return to work my shift in the evening. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to get my son to the tournament that starts in the afternoon. And how he'll get home since we're not sure when his team will end playing. Then I have to worry about the youngest running around. I would feel so much better to have an adult at home or near home in case of an emergency or just to be there for a sense of security.

I am anticipating taking the boys to see GF and the town and school leaving tomorrow night and returning Fri. There won't be any other time to do so since I work Sat., have clinical Sun. and need to be at school next week for the final exam review. And if I miss a class I need to go to the night class to make it up - much better to just go as scheduled. But in any case, here is where the superwoman expectations come in. Lets say I decided to move right away and get married and enroll the boys in the new school. They would need to ideally start the new school's next term on Nov. 30th. In the meantime, I'd need to get a moving estimate, pack up the apt. which has never been fully unpacked, keep studying for the final, complete the clinical hours, finish consoliating two of the storage shed units, work at the big box store unless I just quit without any notice, deal with teen boys who don't want to move, keep making dinner and parenting... YIKES!

I hate to be a complainer or always negative but all of this is for me right now an awful lot to handle and accomplish. I think for so many only parents, widows and widowers that we are often thrust into having to handle too much for our plates to hold because of the untimely deaths of our spouses. It is hard - it is grueling - it is frustrating - it is depleting - it is depressing. I know I've posted on this topic before pointing out that in addition to having to do too much physically, there is the emotional component of coping without a spouse's support and handling all of this on less rest than others because we are still dealing with the ONGOING physical depletion of grieving and loss.

GF mentioned to me last night that he has to deal with "problems" too. His son got a 99% on his multiplication test but a 0% on his division test. I wish that was the extent of what I had to worry about right now!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful red and gold leaves still on some of the trees that I saw today.
2. For the warm temperature.
3. For the sun and lack of rain.
4. Animal crackers.
5. A full gas tank even though it cost $46.00 to fill (usually I only put in $20.00 at a time).

Failure

This weekend I fell terribly short of packing/cleaning/clearing out. It just didn't get completed. Way too much for me to handle on my own and I miscalculated the amount of time needed to do it all. I have never moved like this before. I didn't grasp the sheer magnitude of it. Not to mention the exhaustion (physical and mental). Right now I am so tired and sore I am beyond feeling tired.

All kinds of feelings are churning up inside me. I see myself as a failure to some extent, although I know that isn't good for me right now - it is not serving any purpose except to make me feel worse. I am disappointed over the lack of "physical" help or muscle I received from my guyfriend. He had his son this weekend but I won't go there right now. I am feeling those triggers for me that relate to not having someone there for me. Guyfriend believes he has provided moral support but for this I needed someone actually by my side (not over the phone).

I have always been someone who has dropped what I was doing and put my needs aside to assist others. So I guess I am feeling some resentment that it doesn't get paid back to me.

Lastly, I guess is just all the widowhood stuff. Trying to do the job of two and always falling so short. Having to make all the decisions and organize everything. Running on empty but still expected to stand tall and strong... Parenting on my own. The boys helped with the packing but if I wasn't on them supervising they did some wacky things like putting all their clothing in sealed boxes. I asked what they planned to wear today and they had to reopen the boxes! Also, just putting breakables into boxes without packing paper. When I indicated my dismay they told me we could drive those boxes over in the car - just things like that. I know they were trying to help and doing the best they could. Everyone was on a short fuse by the end of the weekend!

The closing is still set for 11:00 a.m. but there is still so much left up in the air and I don't do well with that - I crave safety, security and knowing what is what. I rescheduled the movers for tomorrow a.m. to buy myself a little more time although there is still so much to do inside. I need another dumpster or Junk King or both! We're not sure if my mortgage lender's payoff letter arrived because of the holiday weekend so I may not get the funds today. We are supposedly going to sign a post possession agreement for 1-2 more days but until that is done I am worried about the buyer not agreeing to it. The holiday weekend jazzed things up and I wish I had known about it so I could have insisted on a closing date mid-week.

And wouldn't you know it - my period came yesterday. I do suffer from PMS (mood swings/upset) so surprisingly, I've been able to keep it together and not freak out. Some of my feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. may be attributed to my period. And if that were not bad enough, both commodes in the house are acting up and won't flush. Oh, joy! What a send off!

All in all just feeling drained beyond belief and at the point of throwing in the towel.

Lost in the Forest

I am in a brooding, frantic, fearful mood - feeling desperate and alone. I feel as though I have lost my bearings and am sinking without a life raft in sight. I spent the last few days considering educational possibilities at the local Community College. Certificate programs that could offer some full-time job potential, stability and growth. So far I am striking out on my considerations. I am looking for a program that will provide me with as much bang for the buck as possible. Both the Medical Coding/Billing and Library Technology Programs take about a year to complete. The 5-week Certified Nursing Assistant Program is full - I'd need to wait until January to enroll.

When I got my Master's in Psychology in 1997 it was never with the intention that I'd be working full-time to support a family on my own. I got it for personal development reasons and the plan was I'd work part-time while continuing to be a very hands on mom, as well as doing my volunteer work in the community. Once I got my Master's I only worked part-time jobs.

I continued with the job I had in my field for one year after my husband died. I was holding on to that suggestion that you make no major changes in your life for a year after a spouse's death. I'd been there five years and loved it! But as with most social service jobs it required that I work evenings and weekends. After a year of juggling babysitters, I quit the job (after tremendous consideration and anguish). In reality, the boys needed me and the job was more of a disruption and hindrance than what it provided back in gain. They were just too young to be on their own and had gone through too much. My plan was to take 6-9 months off cleaning up the estate and financial matters. I also wanted to spend some time on personal healing which had been neglected up to that point. Then, I'd start looking for another job with daytime hours.

But as the story goes, just a few weeks after I left my job, my youngest collapsed unconscious in a movie theater and we were thrust back into the medical world of diagnostic tests and hospitalizations as we figured out his diagnosis. He came out healthy and fine (thank God) but by that time, eight months of my "personal leave" had been taken, although I hadn't accomplished any of the goals I'd set out for myself. I became worried about money and took a part-time job in my field that had daytime hours that fit with the boys' school schedule. That was a blessing but then all the crazy care taking stuff started to come down with my parents. And after eight months I left the new job to devote more time to my folks (as well as being an only parent). Even with not working a job at that time, there were not enough hours in my day to get everything done!

So fast forward to now. I have been out of the working loop for some time. I don't even know how to use Monster.com or those other job search sites. I was blown away when I found out that today you need to have pretty good computer skills to job search - the last time I really was out there looking was over 10 years ago! I feel old, washed up and in the dark. My age group (mid-life) is currently at the highest level of unemployment in the country right now. But because of my situation it is imperative that I work full-time, hopefully during the day and receive benefits. I have two boys to get through college in a few years and the responsibility of doing that completely on my own is so daunting I'm about ready to collapse.

The part-time hours at my retail job are not consistent and I work evenings and weekends. Now that school is starting I am worried about not being around to provide assistance with homework and studying to the boys. But if I didn't have this job we very well might be on the street. I had so hoped to find some light at the end of this tunnel - a short certificate program I could quickly complete so I can start full-time hours as soon as possible. Working part-time in the evening and on weekends was never a problem when my husband was alive because there was still a parent around for the boys. Now all of us seem to be so shortchanged. And the stress and strain is really taking a toll on me.

If there is anyone out there who has some suggestions they'd like to offer I am all ears. I am still debating taking an online course in the Medical Billing/Coding Program since that wouldn't interfere with working. Then I suppose my only option is to really get out there and start looking for work in my field. I found that there were not that many opportunities when I looked over the winter, which is why I took the retail job. Maybe the situation has improved?

This is just such a burden to bear on one's own. The pressure and worry that just sits with me. No one to offer hope/encouragement. Any suggestions on how to deal with this aspect of my life would also be appreciated. Right now, my only ideas are to drink more and take more Xanax - I'm only kidding (kind of).

I am connected with two job assistance agencies so I can go there after the move from our home for training on the computer. But the real reason I had hoped for a quick fix with a short certificate program was that I don't feel I'm in the position right now to be a good counselor to anyone because the amount of grief/loss on my own plate right now. I just don't feel stable enough emotionally to be able to provide support to others when I have so little to give myself and my boys.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have a job; menial, boring and depressing as it is (I only get yelled at by the managers - that gets old pretty fast). At least it is something.
2. That it was a beautiful day and I took a short drive on my own just to get out a bit and give myself a break before work tonight. The temperature, although hot is not humid and it is so pretty this time of year with all the blooms in their full glory. I felt much better after my little drive observing nature.
3. That we have made it through all this time and I want to believe that we'll continue to make it (with food, shelter, clothing, etc.).
4. For rye bread.
5. For Vienna Sandwich cream cookies.

Alone

I am tired and drained from the workday - in the past three months I have worked every Saturday and Sunday, along with some Fridays. All day long I worried about getting the house cleared out and ready for our move on August 25th. What is absolutely the worst aspect of widowhood for me is not having a helpmate by my side to share some of the load (emotional, parenting and with the day-to-day tasks of living, including the house and working).

I get up alone and sleep alone. Right now on my list to the Universe of what I most want in the future is to be able to SHARE A BED with a committed, loving man. The lack of daily support has really taken its toll over the years. There is no one here when I get home to offer a hug, a drink, encouragement, a smile, a back rub, or an opportunity to vent. Hard to keep pulling yourself up by the bootstraps day after long day.

This aspect of widowhood needs to be put out on the table - some of us don't have supportive family and friends can only be relied on so much. How do tired, drained widows recharge and revive themselves to keep on going? Especially those working with kids to actively supervise and parent? That is the great question of the day.

And to take it up a notch, I'm just talking about the day-to-day stuff here - what about handling the conflict and stress that results from extreme hardship such as foreclosure and moving, as in my case. I'm already pretty much depleted to the extreme and now I have to get through another hardship on my lonesome. None of the widow guidebooks I've read over the years have had any sections on this issue.

Widows are doing the work of two but not receiving any support back from a partner to help defray the stress and strain of the double work load.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the orange ball of sun I saw setting in the horizon as I drove home from work.
2. For the good ham and turkey sandwich I made for lunch.
3. That I had clean clothes to wear to work.
4. For the spaghetti I made this morning before work so I had a nice dinner ready for me when I got home.
5. For being able to lay my head against a cool pillow when I go to bed.

She Works Hard for the Money

Do you remember that song Donna Summer used to sing, "She Works Hard for the Money?" I kept thinking of that song all day today as I put in my eight hours at work. This job is incredibly tedious for me. I can tolerate six-hour shifts but the eight-hour ones just kill me! So boring and relentless just ringing customer's purchases up - that is all I do. Stand in place and ring up items, remove sensor tags, take money and count change or return credit card receipts. There are only small moments of respite where I can talk a moment or two with another cashier. By the end of eight hours I am about ready to explode form boredom, the repetition and monotony. To top it off both the management and customers sometimes treat the employees as beneath them.

I will be so ready to get out there this fall to pursue a "real job" in my field. I am worried about handling even this minimal job plus get my house ready for the closing and move on August 25th. Next week I am scheduled for 40 hours (five eight hour days - I am going to die!). I think I may have to ask for a week off. I still have to clean out/clear out the garage and get rid of all the excess in my home.

They say moving is one of the most stressful situations a person can go through. Let's make that 10 times worse when you're doing it on your own as a widowed, working Mom!!!

Today when I got to work at noon I found out that they had changed the schedule without informing me. So instead of working noon til 8:30, they had me down for 2 p.m. - 10:30 p.m. They wanted me to leave the store and come back an hour later but that seemed pretty silly to me plus a waste of gas. I stood my ground (since it was their error) and said I wanted to work my original hours and that is what I did. At this point I actually don't care how much longer I work - if they fire me I wouldn't really mind. There is so much on my plate to worry about, figure out and handle it might even be a blessing to not have to work right now.

I truly can only do so much on my own - no one is rallying to lend a hand or even minimal emotional support. Everything that will need to be accomplished will have to get done by me. Like I referenced at the beginning of this post, "She Works Hard for the Money," but now I'll change it to "I Work Hard for the Money!"

Today I am grateful:

1. For the crescent moon I saw in the evening sky as I drove home from work.
2. For the billowing blue clouds and dark blue sky I could see from the store's big front windows as I worked today.
3. For the continued cooler weather - this summer has been blessedly less hot than others in the recent past.
4. That the boys had a good baseball season - they did well and so did their team - it was very enjoyable.
5. That despite all the hardship surrounding our life the boys have continued to have a good summer with friends, going to the city, Great America and having soccer and volleyball camps in addition to the baseball.