Hoping For More Sun

Photo Caption: "Trying to still see a glimmer of sun."

I am providing an update here because I don't want to leave anyone who is following in the dark. I still hope that my words and experiences have some value being put out there, even though my life has been difficult since widowhood. I took a gamble to try and make it through another year in the area even though I knew it would be very hard and maybe even impossible financially. But I gambled so my son could finish out his senior high school year. I did try and find a family for him to stay with here while I moved last summer and fall. But that option just didn't fully materialize. To now look back and try to punish myself by saying I should have done things differently isn't helpful and adds to my misery. I continue to believe as I always passionately have, that people make the best decisions they can at the time, based on their experiences and the choices at hand.

When you are living life to the barest bone, one unexpected or unplanned event can just send you to your knees. The saying that people are only one paycheck away from disaster is true and probably now more true in this unstable economy.

The past week has been emotionally trying. I know myself. When the situation calls for helping others I am able to rise to the occassion. But when I need to pick myself up, I don't do such a good job. I tend to be immobile and shocked into inactivity when I am under extreme stress and worry. I am not able to focus. I dwell on the negatives and am plunged into this pit of dark thoughts, hopelessness and despair. Whereas some faced with hardship propel themselves into a whirlwind of activity, I am not even able to hold a crochet hook in my hand. I become this zombie like creature.

After existing in this state the later part of the week, on Sunday I broke down and called my girlfriend asking her if we could meet for tea or a walk. She scolded me for not calling her immediately when I lost my job and felt I needed two glasses of wine, her treat - forget the tea. She was kind to me, which is what I really think we most need when we're facing difficulties. She told me that in her opinion, I HAD made it and gotten my sons through high school. And she reminded me that as long as she has known me, since my oldest was five, that I have always reached out and helped others. When you're down and out, it is good to hear positives about youself because right now I sure am not seeing myself in a good light. And we need to be reminded of the complete person we are. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. Living through a bad situation doesn't reduce us only to our less desirable characteristics.

I took this personality quiz recently that figured out one's life strengths. I was a little surprised to see that my top strength was seeing and seeking out life's beauty. Now I am not an optimistic person and since childhood have seen the glass half-empty. But I guess seeking out beauty is something different. And since childhood I have always looked for beauty - every day. In puddles in the parking lot, in a store window display, in the cut or color of a woman's coat. Whenever I am out and about in the world, I take pictures with my phone and those photos have included puddles, window displays, clothing and the sun on a recent walk peeking out from the trees. I open a JJill clothing catalog and the photo arrangement of a set of sweaters, highlighting the rainbow of colors, captivates me. I find beauty in the the ordinary and it surrounds me even now. So that is what I am going to try and focus on - my strengths - the little things that do serve to empower me. Be they written words in a novel, the touch and feel of a hank of pure wool yarn or the surprises that greet one taking a late-winter walk as the sun sets and snow melts.

The Ninth Day of Christmas

My little tree is really turning out nicely. I waited until my oldest came home from college to decorate it as a family affair but he was totally uninterested and was even putting up ornaments upside down, ha ha. He did do very well with his grades though - his lowest grade was a Bt, with the rest As and an A-. My number nine ornament is a snow icicle - so quick and simple to crochet it is almost a crime. Anyway, went to Pier 1 with my youngest tonight to help him pick out a few stocking stuffers for his girlfriend. I looked with longing at some of the ornaments which were reasonably priced at $2.99. But I have to say there is something pretty cool at having a tree decorated completely with ornaments you've crafted yourself. The Pier 1 ornaments were sure darn cute but so are mine. And I think that even my sons feel some pride with our homespun tree.

Now that the tree is up and decorated for the most part I am glad I embarked on my knitted/crochet ornament project. It did help to keep me occupied and focused during this somewhat trying time of year and for that I am thankful. Having the tree up and looking so charming is instilling a bit of the holiday spirit and for it being the longest and darkest day of the year, that is something. And better late than never with just 4 days til the big day.

The Seventh Day of Christmas

Partridges for my tree.

There is a story about these little birds. I wanted to whip up my ornament project quickly and preferred flat patterns to those that needed to be sewn and stuffed. And I really wanted birds on my tree. But couldn't find any patterns in my large stash of patterns and books. Nor any online.

Eventually I ended up going to Half-Price Books not really expecting to find anything. But there was a very artistic crochet book with patterns for children. And this one was an applique for the pockets on a girl's dress. So I got the book for $6.00 and adapted the pattern.

Which just goes to show that not everything can be found on the internet. Although I did find some patterns that could have worked out but they were for sale and I was hoping to find free patterns. But the book is very cute and I'm sure I will use it or be inspired by it in the future.

What is taking up most of my time with these ornaments is the making up and detail work at the end. The actual knitting or crocheting is very quick for me. That is the part I really love. Not all the finishing. I'm a little behind schedule with making 12 of 12 patterns. I waited til my son returned from college to put up our tree. We'll do that tomorrow and put on the ornaments I do have done - there are over 100. Then during the week I'll finish the last 24 ornaments and we can put them up then.

The Sixth Day of Christmas

Feeling a bit down today, in contrast to this smiling snowman fella. It gets dark so early and most days are overcast. I dread the cold and upcoming snow, although am grateful none has really fallen yet and that it will be a warm week with rain even. This is a tough time of year for some of us. It takes tremendous emotional energy to get through certain time periods like the holidays. It is hard to describe to the non-widowed. Moving alone through the holidays can bring on a whole new set of feelings of loss and vulnerability.

I think for me, the key will be going back to school and becoming involved in establishing myself in a new career. Part of my angst I find comes from feeling so out of it in regard to career and not having anything to ground me and keep me focused. I so wish I was already back to school. Gosh, another holiday season to get through again. How I long for the day when it isn't like this. When I'm feeling productive and eager to start the day instead of down and out, willing the days to be over.

For now, it is just marking the long, dark, cold days...

The Fifth Day of Christmas

I made 12 of these bells last night and it was fun but got a bit tiring. Next year I think I should plan a project like this earlier, e.g., making one ornament a week, not trying to make a bunch in December. But I'm afraid I know how that goes. Good plans and intentions don't seem to be high priority when they are 12 months away.

The Third Day of Christmas

A knitted stocking to hang by the chimney with care...

The Second Day of Christmas

A knitted heart to represent love.

The First Day of Christmas

In an effort to "delight" in the joy of this holiday season, I am challenging myself to create 12 crocheted or knitted tree ornaments for each of the first 12 days of December from my yarn stash. So today, I have 12 crocheted stars as a start. I've already been working on this so have gotten a head start. Anyway, it is my hope that this handiwork will keep my mind and hands occupied. It is our fourth Christmas of living under reduced circumstances and boy am I tired of it. There is no extra money left for discretionary spending and come the holidays it is another burden for an only mom's heart to bear. Next year will be better when I've moved to more affordable housing but next year is still next year and there is still this year to get through.

I'll do my best to put up a tree and have a few gifts for the boys. Somehow we'll manage. But I have to say that I'm not into the holidays this year. The decorations and lights aren't doing much to lift my spirits. I drove through our pretty, quaint, historical downtown last night and noticed that the city reduced the number of lampposts and trees they decorated. Yet I also noticed some houses had two trees inside them. I think back to my years before widowhood when I was gun ho into the holidays. One year I had four trees in my home - one in the family room, the living room, the master bedroom and a small one in the kitchen! Our house had a big picture window in the front and when I put a tree in the master bedroom window, which was over the picture window, it looked like one giant tree.

There have to be people out there who are celebrating very simply this year. But I don't hear of anyone or know anyone. I wish there were more stories or articles out there with advice on coping with the holidays under reduced circumstances. I heard that the average American will be spending about $700.00 on gifts this year. Wow! Maybe someone can interview me, the mom spending $70.00!

As tough as it is, getting through this one last difficult Christmas, I don't want to be all gloomy and doomy about it, It is what it is. Just like my widowhood situation. I'm a widow. Money is tight. Life is challenging. There are times that I don't think I can take it anymore. But all in all, December lasts just one month. And the first day of the month is already over. Only 30 more to go!

Black Thursday

This year some stores will be open on Thanksgiving. What in the world needs to be purchased at Michael's craft store that couldn't wait until Black Friday? Really, someone is going to leave their family and the holiday celebration to go out to a Michael's? And what about the employees who have to work that shift?

I see the madness of consumerism and get depressed. It is hard to be an observer when you can't be a participant. I watch the t.v. commercials and everyone in them is smiling and happy. Now I know that they are actors in commercials but a part of me starts feeling bad because I don't look like these happy moms in the commercials gearing up to hit the Target 2-day sale.

Now what would really inspire me and actually make me happy would be a realistic portrayal of a real single/only mom worried about getting her kids a few Christmas gifts and how to pay the electric bill at the same time. It would portray a normal looking woman hunched over a kitchen table flipping through her pile of bills and looking forlornly at her checkbook...

Oh, and can there please be a ban on those Lexus commercials where people actually get a $50,000 vehicle for their Christmas gift! I know I should just laugh at the ridiculousness of these ads but they still make me sad...

The Books Have Answered

My last post was about the conflict I feel between trying to live in and focus on the present. In early widowhood, I suppose I focused too much on the past and what I lost. These days, mostly because of financial pressures, I seem to be more focused on the future. Every month is a struggle with juggling the bills and there is nothing left for security or even a fast food meal out. If I get a flat tire or need a car repair I'll be out of luck because there isn't anything there for emergencies. I am so depleted living this way. Yet hope is on the horizon. If I can just hang in there by early spring I can make the plans to move from this area. Currently, I pay more than half of my monthly income on rent and utilities. Moving to a lower-cost part of the state will help my life enormously.

So, I look toward the future, when I can breathe a little easier every month and my mind isn't consumed on how to pay all my bills without overdrawing my bank account. What I most hope for, is the ability to help my boys with their college expenses and to live simply within my means. I'm like most people out there I think. I enjoy nice things and would like a few luxuries in my life along with a cart of fresh groceries and being able to afford new clothes for my sons. I do look forward to ending these days of Goodwill clothing, lack of Christmas/Birthday gifts, and a $50.00 weekly food budget.

How can one embrace a life when one is struggling or hurting or in pain? I know there are many out there counting pennies and worried about affording next week's groceries or utility bill. I'm not the only one. I realize that. But I am struggling with how to live fully and with passion when it all just sucks right now. All the platitudes that tell us to live for the now. But how can you do that when the now is difficult? I need help, ideas, a plan of action or cheat sheet. Don't just tell me to do something without telling me how to accomplish it.

The other night, after blogging I did my daily reading before bedtime. I needed a new book and chose one from my collection of yard sale/used book sale pile, the "Last Chance Saloon" by Marian Keyes. Many times when I am searching for guidance or an answer, I'll find a response in a book. It was funny and I laughed when I read the the beginning saying which is as follows:

"For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision:
But today well lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day."

Sanskrit Proverb

I am reminded of those who advise the dieting to not focus on the future when the weight is lost because people assume weight loss will lead to instant happiness. Acceptance and living each day fully is recommended. And I've read about embracing our circumstances for whatever they may be, e.g., even during tough times to not shy or hide from them.

I don't know, after this post I'm still not clear about all this. I don't think it is easy for humans to embrace hardship without fortitude and resolve. Maybe embracing it with open arms and acceptance might not always be possible. Maybe just getting through it in one piece is enough. There is also the factor of widowhood and being alone/handling all this crap solo that plays a part too. It is a part of the mix - having someone to lean on physically and emotionally might not make a stew appear magically on the stove, but might boost morale and provide the strength to get through another day.

Strength and Reslove

Tonight was the last Fall Curriculum Night I'll have to attend on my own. Mixed feelings but far more positive than negative. I really needed a shot of motivation to help me get through this next year because in a way, I've already checked out. But hearing my son's teachers praise the students and talk about how much they love teaching inspired me to put my nose to the grindstone and just get through this next year. I owe it to my son. I know it is hard for those outside our community to understand how special the boys' high school is but it is the ONE reason I've remained in this town.

Over and over tonight, I heard the teachers state how wonderful their school is, and the principal always mentions this every time she addresses the parents. The teachers all spoke of how fortunate they are to be able to teach at the school, and to have such top notch students and involved parents.

After getting my oldest off to college, I was feeling somewhat down and dreading having to get through one more year in this town. I am so ready to leave and move to a more affordable and rural location. Finances are very precarious for us right now and I am so very, very tired of struggling to barely make ends meet. That aspect of my life is just exhausting. But I have to keep my eyes and focus on the bigger picture. When all is said and done, later in my life, I hope the financial struggles will be a faint memory but that the memory of my sons attending and graduating from such a fine high school will be one of which I am most proud. Proud that I stuck out hardship to give my sons a solid education leading to college. Proud that they flourished and were popular students, especially after the losses in their lives. This school has been a beacon of stability and strength in our lives when that has been so lacking otherwise.

I have no doubt that the next months will be tough on my bank account and nerves. When times get really low I need to remember tonight. And the pride I felt for our little family, making it through hardship and focusing on quality education. My finances WILL eventually improve. What I've given my sons has been priceless and worth it.

My son's science teacher warned the parents (all of senior students) that the kids can't check out yet. College applications haven't been submitted - it isn't safe to slack off now. I thought that some of us parents are feeling the same way as our seniors right now so maybe my son and I can both motivate each other throughout this final year.

One teacher commented that life goes by so quickly. Senior year will be gone in a blink of an eye and to remind our students to enjoy this final year. In some ways I fear the year will go too slowly since we are struggling financially. I do hope it will be a fast year. As hard as it may get, I have to remember to enjoy these final seasons in a town I once so loved. But gosh, I am so ready to be out of here!!!

I was far less focused on being by myself tonight and tried not to look at all all the couples surrounding me. One mother asked a teacher if her kid could get extra credit since both she and her husband were attending. Lucky kid, I thought to myself to have both parents but a pretty stupid request from a silly woman. Then I thought that extra credit should be given to every kid at the school who had an only parent attend. Wish I had had the nerve to make my request like silly, married woman did.

Curse of the Cap Sleeves

Ha, ha. I told my youngest that I was having trouble with a title for this post. He looked at the photos and suggested "Purple Odd Clothing." Maybe the clothing manufacturers should listen to him. Anyway, this post is inspired by the fact that I tried to buy a new outfit for my oldest son's graduation without luck. I ended up wearing a pretty linen top in coral paired with a pair of sage green capri pants. It looked nice with the addition of a multi-colored stone necklace. But I would have enjoyed wearing something new.

After a number of years of being unable to afford to buy new clothing and making due, I am severely disappointed by the choices greeting me in the stores. What is it about the cap sleeves this season? Those cap sleeves are why I didn't purchase anything for the graduation. Really. How many women are lucky enough to be able to wear tops or dresses with them?

The average size of an American woman is 14. And based on the women I've seen in these tops, they shouldn't be wearing them .

Designers take note: if you want to play toward a trend go for it but at least offer other options. To go into Talbot's and not find one top with sleeves other than capped is pretty bad.

Now on to the bathing suit issue. As it is 101 degrees here I decided to get a new bathing suit so I can use the pool in our complex. Went on the "dreaded" bathing suit hunt only to find that the stores don't have any more in stock! I asked the saleswoman at the national clothing store chain when I "should" have purchased a suit and she advised in January. Now that was the time we were dealing with overly harsh winter and I tell you even thinking about a bathing suit was the virtual LAST thing on my mind!

Lucily, I was able to order the absolute last suit remaining in my size online at the store! It better fit because if it doesn't I quess I won't be going swimming this summer. I have heard of some moms who have been unable to find mittens, gloves and hats for their kids who've lost them in January. This is so silly. Appropriate merchandise should remain out and available when it is needed.

And here is my grand finale! My Mary Maxim Craft Catalog arrived in the mail today - the Fall issue! But I just don't have any urge to be crafting pumkins and scarecrows right now!

Instability

Drove to the ethnic grocery store where I can get good deals on fruit and bakery items. Ahead of me in the parking lot, a pile of paper was churning around in the air in front of the stop sign. Immediately I felt a connection with the mess of paper, which I related to the turmoil going on inside myself and the need for it to STOP. At that point I also realized that the reason for my mood plunge may be the fact that I've had to switch meds because I lost my insurance through the state plan. Reason being that my oldest turned 18 and as such, is no longer considered a minor under my care. So my income was recalculated and I did not qualify for coverage, although both my sons will continue to be covered until they turn 19.

Now this is all crazy. Because how are kids at the tender age of 19 supposed to be able to support themselves and provide themselves with insurance, especially if they are in school full time? I can also attest to the fact that at my income level health insurance is almost impossible to afford. Working in retail and at a restaurant, I can also relate that these establishments keep a tight lid on employee hours specifically to keep them from qualifying for insurance benefits. That is why I am so eager to get a better job and to possibly remarry.

I did scramble and was able to obtain health insurance coverage for myself through my pension plan at the tune of $187.00 a month, which is actually pretty reasonable. Although the coverage is effective as of March 1, I still have not received an insurance card. It would cost me over $800.00 a month to cover my sons under a family plan.

I ran out of medication and found that the anti-depressant would cost over $100.00 to refill and the blood pressure pills about $84.00. So my doctor prescribed new meds under the $4.00 medication list from Walmart. Only problem, anti-depressants take a number of weeks to kick in. So now I do feel a drop in mood and my mental stability. And it doesn't help that I'm experiencing a huge bout of PMS this month too.

Stability. That is really what I long for at this point. A stable life and a stable mood. Widowhood can be chaotic and unstable. I want an easier and more predictable life. Not one where I have to scramble for insurance coverage and then deal with the ups and downs of changing medications. I know I sound like a broken record but I see widowhood and only parenting as a see saw. When there is a partner on the other seat, the see saw can be balanced. But with only one rider, the see saw is impossible to balance.

That blowing around garbage was a good visual metaphor for how I feel right now. Make the instability STOP please. Let me feel and live on an even keel. Please send me some balance. With balance comes peace, hope and contentment. It is just so hard to keep balancing everything by myself.

Vulnerability

As much fun and joy this picture depicts of snow, I am finding myself sick of the cold and winter. About this time of year I start to feel more vulnerable. I think part of it is related to the weather and the constant concern over winter driving and adverse weather conditions. I also just found out that although my sons will be eligible for health insurance from our state (I still have to pay a premium), I am no longer eligible and I am worried sick about being able to find affordable coverage between now and the end of the month.

I keep thinking of Obama's State of the Union Address when he talked about health care. I didn't know I was being cut from my coverage at that time and now that I am aware, I have become one of those citizens facing what is in my opinion one of the worst issues plaguing our country right now - not having affordable health care available to everyone who wants/needs it.

Just another hardship to try and figure out and deal with and quite frankly along with the weather I am sick and tired of coping with all of life alone. I have come to believe that it is nearly impossible for some of us to survive on our own (one salary) and that is part of the reason I am so eager for remarriage. Not only do I want to share life with a partner for romance and companionship, but it seems to be an almost economic necessity to exist in our society right now. Marriage would improve my economic/financial life as sad as a reason as that is to get married. But I'm trying to be practical here and realistic.

Anyway, that is what has been on my mind of late - more worry and hating the snow. The one bright spot is going to hear my son in a dress rehearsal concert for show choir tonight and he has a solo. It is tough going back out into the cold, dark night but at least the auditorium will be warm and alive with the spirit and energy of young people, much like those depicted in the snow picture above! I'm hoping some of that liveliness rubs off on me!

Update:

Although it was snowing when I left for the concert and I groaned a loud GROAN because it snowed yesterday too and I am so tired of scraping off the vehicles, it was worth attending. Couldn't believe how these kids get through a nonstop performance of 25 minutes singing and dancing to 6 songs with costume changes during! My son's solo was amazing. His band director was at the concert and congratulated him after. He said he wanted to speak to my son about college sometime this week. Then the director and I walked down the hallway together while my son got his costume and helped clear the stage. I related a little about the state talent contest, mentioning that my son had composed and performed a new song. I said I'm not sure where to go with promoting/supporting my son because it seems as though his work is becoming more complex and sophisticated. The band director agreed. When I added that my son seems to have something special, he agreed with that too. That is what he wants to also address with my son - where he can go from here.

The past few weeks my son has been complaining that he joined the group - the dance routines are fast-paced and difficult. He is working a lot of hours on the weekends and this is another responsibility. I was in show choir for two years in college and loved it. Seeing my son perform tonight I was reassured that it is a good activity for him to be involved in. Despite his complaints, he is one of the strongest dancers in the group and I feel that being in this group rounds out his musical experience. He plays guitar, is the section leader on sax for the top band, composes the music and lyrics to his own songs - he has not yet performed in a choir so this is good experience, as well as all the dancing.

I stopped at Starbucks on the way home to treat my son to a coffee drink. We were given a gift card from Sam and on Sunday I treated my youngest to a strawberry drink. I got a box of Joy tea which is a rarity since it is usually sold out by now. So Sam's gift treated us all. I noticed a bunch of sandwiches on the counter and remarked how good they looked. The manager told me they were free for the taking since they were going out of code soon. I told him my sons would be thrilled with a $5.75 sandwich for their lunches tomorrow and ended up with 4 sandwiches and a yogurt parfait, which I'll snag.

So the evening ended up turning out to be a big success despite the falling snow. After our latest blizzard anything is tolerable so I imagine that we'll make it through the rest of the season okay having survived such a bad storm last week!

Cowls and Change

I noticed at the Knit Club that all the women wore an item they had knitted be it a scarf, sweater, wrist warmers - and there were a lot of cowls/neck warmers. So it made me want to wear something too and with a $3.00 skein of yarn I created my own cowl which I wore last night.

At the meeting, I sat next to a woman whose daughter soon leaves for a mission assignment overseas. She also talked about her 55-year-old husband having lost his job in June. He has been on the job hunt but nothing is in the works and they are thinking of moving to Texas for a cheaper cost of living and to be closer to some family there. I think of my difficulty in finding "real" work, not the part time stuff I've been doing just to make ends meet. At times with this hostess job I am so bored I want to scream! I felt the same way cashiering at the big box store.

This all leads up to Obama's State of the Union Address on Tuesday. It was an interesting speech for me because the beginning of it reminded me a lot of widowhood. When Obama talked about the middle-aged population struggling to find employment he used words such as reinvention and having had known worlds collapse around you. Both of these descriptions so aptly fit widowhood as well.

The references to reinvention are really bothering me. Because having lived a life that has pretty much totally collapsed on all levels, I know first hand how difficult it is to reestablish oneself and start anew. Obama really didn't offer any examples or ideas of how people are supposed to "reinvent" themselves except to go back to school. This is troubling because I can't afford that option now except for a program at a community college because I have to concentrate on getting two kids through college - their education is the number one priority. My educational goals are secondary, yet I need to make enough to find a job where I feel emotionally fulfilled and economically stable.

Obama also talked about the health care crisis. Today I received notification that although my sons will still be covered under the State, I will lose my coverage. How am I supposed to afford medical insurance for myself now? It seems as though I can never get caught up (I'm assuming my insurance will run about $300.00 monthly). We can barely make it on the pension yet we qualify for no benefits other than the insurance such as for food and utility subsidies. My rent alone costs $1,200.00. I need a full time job with insurance benefits. But like so many other mid-lifers out of work am at a loss about how I go reinventing my work and career life.

I heard a horrifying statistic. I seem to recall that it was something along the lines that 85% (it might have even been higher) of people ages 55 and older currently out of work will never find work again. The suggestion was for mid-lifers to somehow try and create their own consulting type jobs and become independent contractors. Easier said than done.

This is all very gloomy and distressing. No one seems to have any real solutions. I want to try and remain positive that despite my outdated and defunct master's degree I can somehow turn my experience around and add some kind of training to it so I can work in an office again as a professional and actually have a health insurance plan. That will be the focus of my efforts at this point. But it is so hard with so much else always on my plate...

I wish it were as easy as simply taking an evening to knit a cowl. But therein perhaps lies the answer. I did knit a cowl to adapt and fit in. I have to continue to believe that it will happen on the major fronts too.

Tea and Calendars

Remember the good old days when the only tea you could buy was Lipton? When I was a kid, my Mom hung a linen calendar towel on the door leading to the basement and we used the calendar with nature scenes from Rexall Drug that we got free and the little paper date books from the Hallmark store to carry in our purses. Anyone recall those?

Today there are 100s of teas out there to choose from and 1000s of calendars. I always laugh when they put the calendars out in the stores in October but this year I'm not laughing. I usually am able to get my calendars after the holidays for half price in January but this year on January third when I went out, the stock was pretty depleted. I had to go to a number of stores and bookstores before finding my daily knitting and crochet pattern calendars. And there were really no day books, which I carry in my purse and rely on all year to chose from. I ended up with the only one besides the Sierrra nature calendar or ugly black leather ones, with cherries on the cover. Usually I get brightly colored floral designs or ones with birds and feel sad I had to settle for the cherries. Next year, I am going to buy all my calendars in October and then will not have to worry about not finding them and being disappointed.

Picking out a calendar is one of the rituals I have come to enjoy about the new year. I am thinking that maybe this year there were fewer left because more people were out shopping and spending and also that calendars make inexpensive gifts. There has never been such a lack of selection.

Then there is the tea. I love Joy tea by TAZO and it is only sold at the holidays and Starbucks. Last year we were so poor I didn't even consider getting any but two years ago went on a wild goose chase for some because I'd waited too long to pick up a box. And I never found any. It was sold out. This year I luckily found a large supply at the second Starbucks I hit and I am so happy at the great pleasure that find brought me as I am only a tea drinker, no coffee.

Such small pleasures, tea and calendars. And also what turmoil they can bring from there being too many to select from. This never would be an issue in my childhood. Not another task to cross off one's list (buy cute calendars with cover designs that speak to you - don't forget to pick up box of special tea that only comes out for one month a year). There is also the added issue of always having to settle because of our reduced circumstances. Before widowhood when there weren't financial problems I bought my calendars in October. But with money being tight, I've waited to the last possible moment and then had a hard time finding the ones I want. I suppose I could go with a cheap dollar store version, but the $21.00 I spent on the three calendars I got seems a fair price to pay for accessories most of use daily and take for granted anyway. Calendars and date books are pretty essential to our busy lives, especially with kids' schedules to keep track of.

And now I am going to brew a cup of Joy tea and delight in the joy it brings my senses. It's been two years since I've had a box and the pleasure is that much sweeter! And maybe, I will pick up a second box to make up for the two years I went without. But just maybe - I find that I have become extremely frugal. Not such a bad thing for this former shopaholic (before widowhood).

Drowning My Sorrows

Today, some of my previous euphoria at having gone to the knitting club on Wednesday evening dissipated. My oldest son is grouching about the van being out of commission and sent me a text at work today that he tried starting it again and the battery just died - this was after I filled it with one of those portable gas cans. "We are screwed!" he informed me. That just about killed my internal mood the rest of the day at work. I've worked the lunch hour all week and it has been very busy on account of the holiday and people being off of work and families visiting and so forth. I have been tired standing the five hours on my feet.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with the van. My little sedan still needs the $600.00 work on it that I've put off since September. When I drive it, it sounds like I'm in a truck but I've gotten used to it and have just tried to grin and bear it. I still have to get my son to Springfield for the talent contest in mid-January besides (another worry). Only having the one vehicle makes it difficult for my son to get to work after school (I can pick him up in the evening) and over Christmas break he has been walking to and fro. Not bad when the weather is mild but a mile and a half walk in snow, bitter cold and ice isn't pleasant (especially with a backpack of school books).

The other damper on the new year is that working this new job means my income kicks me up out of the bracket for eligibility for health insurance provided by the state. So if I keep working this job, I'll actually be worse off because I'll need to pay out of pocket for health insurance and it will cost me more than I'm making. So we will even be further in the hole! The cost of health insurance for my family has ranged from $500-$600 when I have had to pay for it out of pocket and that doesn't even include the co-pays.

I am so sick of this life. Just trying to get by. Single/only parents are really hit hard. I understand why it is better for some people not to work. As it is, how does working this job help me right now if I'm tired and drained afterward and not making any progress because all my income now has to go toward health insurance coverage? Instead of being able to dig myself out of our hole, I just keep digging myself down deeper!

What is so desperately needed in our country is affordable health insurance for everyone! Especially those most in need, single/only parents raising children on reduced incomes. The only thing that will save me here is getting a full-time job with benefits. All these part-time jobs just end up leaving me without benefits and put me in an income bracket that doesn't allow me any type of assistance. It is so discouraging to be stuck in this hole and not seeing an easy way to dig out. As it is, we just have enough to barely make it much less have anything left over for car repairs.

So I am somewhat down and wanting to drown my sorrows in drink since it is New Year's Eve after all. My apartment friends have invited me out to a sports bar tonight for a drink or two. I wish I could get tipsy so I could forget the worries and troubles weighing on my soul. But I only have $10.00 and that will probably only cover two drinks. I'll have to make the most of them.

Not Missing Anything

Heard today that holiday shopping sales were up 5.5%, the best sales figures since 2007, the year we started experiencing hardship and I stopped shopping. I have to say that since that time, I have missed buying Christmas gifts, decorations, household items and clothing. We've pretty much used what we have already owned and haven't replaced items unless absolutely necessary.

I've just stayed out of the malls and stores as much as possible with the exception of the used book store and going to the craft store every once in awhile. There are times that I have to go to the mall or a major department store for one of the boys, but not very often. I guess over the past years I have felt deprived and as though I have been missing out on things. It has been hard. There is a sense of pride that I've made it three years without buying myself any clothing (except one top on sale for $11.00). I find when I go to the stores and see items that I start to want them. If I don't see things, I don't miss them or care.

I'm not sure why holiday sales were up this year because I think we are still a nation suffering economically. This year was better for us not so much that I had more money, but that I was able to be better able to navigate the "system" (finding out about the Christmas Store in our community that allowed me to buy new gifts for my sons at greatly reduced cost) and getting the online gift card and gifts from the kind woman at the food pantry. My sons also received gifts from a friend of their late father so actually had a total of $70.00 cash!

My youngest wanted to get his girlfriend another small gift to go with the key necklace he had already purchased. We had discussed the idea of a perfume set. So on Sunday he asked me to take him out to some stores and we hit Walgreen's first where the perfume aisle was stripped bare. The Christmas aisle was also getting empty and was full of people tossing through items - the whole scene reminded me of a mob mentality - not that bad but still crazy and chaotic. We went to WalMart next with again entire shelves lying empty. Onward to Bath and Body Works which was insanely crowded. My son and I were getting claustrophobic from the pushing and brushing up against us as others passed by. My poor son asked me to choose the fragrance and dutifully smelled the sample cards in front of his nose. But after about 15 minutes he said they all had started to smell the same and he didn't care what we got as long as we chose something and got the heck out of there!

We ended up with a cute pair of fuzzy and soft socks on sale for $3.00 and then got three fragrances for $10.00 in the Cherry Blossom scent, Midnight Pomegranate and Vanilla Berry - total amount, $13.00. Then we stood 29th in line to pay for this small purchase. Yes, we were the 29th customers in line. How nutty is that?

I haven't witnessed this kind of shopping in a number of years and it made me feel sad. Go home and spend time with your families I wanted to say to some of the people. At the same time, being in the store for an hour or so resulted in me starting to want some of the things I saw - in particular, a nutmeg scented candle even though I still have a pretty ample supply of candles left to burn.

My oldest son went to the mall to buy a set of sheets for one of his girlfriend's gifts a few days before Christmas; (I like his practicality, she needed them and had requested a sheet set) and told me he would never go to a mall again so close to Christmas - it was crowded and he did not enjoy the experience although he got a good parking spot.

My youngest son and I were relieved to leave the fragrance store and head on home. The only thing I think I enjoyed out of the experience was looking at the cute snowflake garland hung from the ceiling in pinks and reds.

All these years I've thought I've been missing out on the shopping experience and the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Now I realize that I haven't really missed out on anything at all. It meant a great deal for me to be able to have gifts for the boys this year but I realize that the past years without gifts weren't the end of the world. Gifts are nice in moderation but not worth fighting over in a Walgreen's aisle or spending the better part of an afternoon getting. Going without has made us far more grateful for what we did receive and what we have. I think all of us realize as well that things don't make us happy and that we can learn to live without when need be.

We've all become far more thoughtful and deliberate in our actions, thinking, speaking and spending. In the end, maybe the biggest surprise is that looking back, not having gifts has ended up becoming a gift. Go figure. Never would I have thought that or even considered that in 2007!

Giving and Receiving

It has been difficult for me to accept assistance and charity the past few years. I know despite that adage that we all heard as youngsters, "It is better to give than to receive," there is still a stigma attached to seeking help when you are down and out. The pain of having to go to a food pantry and then witness the masked disapproval is something I wasn't prepared for. We are a society of contradictions. On one hand, we gloat that we are willing to help the less fortunate but then we quickly lash out in criticism that those who are needy aren't trying or working hard enough. I think that along with the message that we're such a giving and generous nation, there is also the belief that all of us should be able to make it, and if we can't or haven't, then something is wrong with us and we're not good, decent, honorable people. Maybe that view is changing as the financial struggle becomes more wide spread.

Another problem is that some of us have never been in this position and don't know how to accept help, much less find it. For me, having been the oldest child of four, I was always the one who helped and was relied upon to hold up the fort. There is a huge sense of damaged pride to not be able to do what I've always done, and been good at doing.

Maybe it is easier to give than it is to receive sometimes. I know that it has been an almost automatic response for me to refuse gifts. There is just so much emotional conflict surrounding the issue.

But this year, I was gifted with an online gift card before I could refuse it. When it arrived, in early December, I contemplated not using it or sending it back (however that is done). But my sons both BEGGED me to keep it. And it was hard for me to do so. But I did. Then I had the pleasure of imagining spending it entirely on myself (for about two minutes). Then for another two minutes I had the pleasure of imagining spending it all on the boys. In the end, it was split the way I suppose it gets split up with families - 90% of it going to the boys, and the remaining 10% to mom.

My sons spent a few days looking up and deciding on the gifts they wanted. Considering that I haven't given them birthday gifts in a number of years (we only celebrate with a cake and choice of dinner) and that there haven't been Christmas gifts either, this was a BIG DEAL - and a lot of fun. My oldest son handled all the ordering because after being a victim of credit card fraud three weeks before my husband died (another story for another time), I refuse to buy anything online and have never done it. The boys were wonderful figuring out the exact postage amounts and keeping track of the running total.

I had been encouraged by my benefactor to not get a book but to chose something nice and pretty. And I did try looking for a piece of the vintage glassware I collect and browsing the selection of craft items. But in the end, what I really coveted was a copy of the audio book by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope." Considering I get all my books for usually 25 cents at the second hand shop this was a big splurge because at the used book shop there aren't audio books.

The boys were thrilled as their gifts started arriving. One came on my oldest son's 18th birthday and I let him have it as a gift. My oldest ended up with a long sleeve t-shirt and socks from the college he wants to attend, my youngest got a Wisconsin hoodie and looks very handsome wearing it - that dark red Wisconsin red just highlights his dark hair and dark eyes. Both boys got wrist bands with the imprint of "France" since they are so proud of their French heritage and together they got some kind of memory disc for their X-Box.

I was able to get the boys a few inexpensive items and stocking stuffers. And they received some practical items like socks, boxers, and p.j.s from the nice woman at the food pantry who "adopted" me. I struggled with accepting her gifts as well and initially told her no. But she went on to share some of her story, telling me that the reason she had connected so strongly with me is that she was raised by a single mother from the age of 13 when her father walked out on them. For whatever reason, I reminded her of her childhood situation and she wanted to get some gifts for us. Along with the clothing there were also wallets for the boys with a $20.00 inside.

My oldest son remarked how different this Christmas was from past years. Having gifts did help. And it doesn't have to be extravagant. We had a modest Christmas and the majority of gifts were practical and useful. But it was so nice that the boys had an opportunity to get some items they really wanted and to choose them. And they received some electronic gifts from Sam that he was able to get as samples from the store he works at. I will talk about the gift he gave me in a separate post as it relates to widowhood in a strange way! Plus my girlfriend gave us a $25.00 Subway gift card along with a bag of chips, box of cookies and bottle of coke - I'm planning on that being our dinner later in the week and it will be a huge takeout treat for us!

I am grateful for the kindness and generosity of those who thought of me and offered gifts. I hope this post helps convey how hard it is for me to accept such offers. We were greatly blessed with the online gift card and for the gifts from the nice food pantry lady. In the end, I told her I would accept her gift only under the promise that we would go out together for coffee/tea so we could meet under "normal" circumstances and not as a food pantry volunteer/pantry recipient.

To the lovely person who sent us the surprise online gift card: You started out our holiday season on a positive and hopeful note setting the tone for the entire season. Your gifts are useful, wanted and very much appreciated. And you taught me a number of things too. For one, I need to get over my belief that I can't or shouldn't take gifts offered in the spirit of loving kindness. I don't always have to be the one giving, I can take a little too. I also need to learn to be more gracious in accepting gifts that are offered. And I can strive to keep giving in whatever ways I can despite my limited circumstances now. There are many ways to be of service and to give - not all involve having money.

Throughout my life I have been a giver. Now I hope that it might be easier for me to be both one who freely gives and one who freely receives. And enjoys both!

Making Spirits Bright

Poor snow covered pumpkins. It is so cold outside. And more snow coming - 8 inches over the weekend. We go from 60 degrees to single digits in a matter of days. Typical for us here.

But this morning when I was out early scraping the car, there was the most glorious and colorful sunrise. Of course, by the time I ran in for my camera and back out to take a picture, the colors had faded and the moment had passed. Seeing that sunrise though was a special blessing. It inspired me and gave me some hope. I was feeling good vibes about my job interview.

The interview went as well as it could. It couldn't have gone any better. I felt totally at home at the agency - the job is a great fit for me, and in fact, there are two openings. I'm an even better fit for the case mgr. opening because of my master's. The other job involves more work out in the field/community with some flexible evening and weekend hours. The case mgr. job is during the day and I'd be home for volleyball, band concerts and track meets. The HR rep and I got on very well. It is a small non-profit agency and that type of environment is where I have always felt most at home. Now I have to wait to be called for a second interview. But even if I don't get one of these jobs, applying for it and then interviewing for them has done me a world of good.

I felt renewed confidence talking about my previous experience which is extensive along with my volunteer work. These are almost entry level positions but I explained I am fine with that since I am reentering the job force having been out some time. This agency would be getting a great deal hiring me. I am a dedicated and very hard worker. But if it doesn't go I am motivated to keep up the search and to continue to find an entry back into the arena of social services where I belong again.

So I'm still set to start the restaurant job on Monday but I sure hope the agency moves fast and a positive result occurs because I'm not that much looking forward to working there. Although I'll do what I have to do. Having been given a glimpse of where I could end up is like holding that elusive carrot just out of reach of the poor hungry rabbit.

I received an invitation to a holiday party being held by a very pleasant and interesting lady downstairs, which is tomorrow night. I have decided to go although the boys will be at a basketball game with their friends. It has turned out that most of the residents of this complex are very nice, decent people. It will be another positive change to have an opportunity to have a drink and some snacks while getting to know them better. I wish I were in a better position to invite people over but our apartment is still pretty full of stuff that seems to not have a place. I have put up two little trees though, although the best I could muster up in decorating ideas was to trim the 4 ft. silver tree with mini candy canes. I'm going to see if the boys will join me in making some yarn pom poms. But that is going to be it this year. Still it is something and an improvement from last year. I'd still like to add a few pine boughs to my antique crocks and put them in the kitchen hung with cookie cutter cinnamon ornaments. I'm figuring I can cut some branches while out on a walk but it has been too cold for walks the past week.

Our apartment has been pretty chilly (well, it is very cold outside) and I've been knitting door/draft stoppers for the windows and front door. This is my Christmas gift to myself! I am debating filling them with rice or beans (from the overflow in the pantry) but wonder if that might attract bugs. I'd love some ideas for depleting my rice and dried bean supply. I think, however, that I'll end up filling the stoppers with kitty litter which is often used.

Getting one of these jobs would pull us out of the near poverty bracket and allow me some flexibility in affording food, clothing and a few extras for the boys, as well as those dreaded car repairs. I have to keep up my optimism and hope. I have to continue to believe that the new year will bring better opportunities and an end to some of this hardship. I think that people need a shot of hope to feel hopeful. Maybe it was receiving that bounty of food last week or the fact that we received some gifts from a kind stranger wanting to provide something for my boys. In any event, those displays of generosity have instilled a greater surge of hope within my soul and I am finding that that is a very powerful force!

But maybe the best news of all (kidding) is that the 4-Bean Chili is finally gone! I finished it tonight instead of last night (wanted to avoid chili before my interview and any tummy troubles). It had been in the fridge awhile so I didn't want the boys to eat it. But I have a steel stomach and cannot see ANY food go to waste right now. Thankfully it has departed but right now I cannot look at a bean!