Realignment

When I dropped my son off at his dorm, they had a Route 66 decoration theme that I thought was very clever and cute. To me it is representative of these freshman students taking off on a road leading them to a new future. All summer long, we prepared for this adventure. I heard some of my friends complain that their kids were acting out by being defiant and rude. I struggled with my son being out til 2 a.m. hanging out with his friends. But otherwise he was a good kid all summer. Working hard at his job and playing baseball on a college league in his spare time which wasn't much. When I brought up how some of his friends were acting out, he scoffed and replied that our family didn't need him to be creating such drama - we'd already seen our share and we wouldn't put us through anymore.

I read in a book about parenting teens headed off to college, that the summer before departure is one of realigning relationships within the family. They also talked about this during our orientation at the college saying that kids act up to create distance between their families, which then makes it easier for them to leave.

One point in the book that I found especially interesting stressed that for single parents, this transition is especially difficult because of the multiple roles a single parent plays. Whenever I encounter a point like this I feel so validated. Someone out there understands how hard it is to be an only parent like I am. I am not crazy feeling so tired, drained, exhausted and frustrated after years of raising my sons on my own. Yes, there is a great part of me that is so proud of how successful my sons are turning out. But it is often trumped by those other feelings which seem to overpower the good.

In my opinion, based on personal experience and my training in psychology, widowhood is far more complicated than people expect or acknowledge. There are so many conflicting layers such as this one: a parent taking on multiple roles. Most people don't stop and think of the complications. They just make comparisons based on other parents. It is rare to come across anyone who makes the distinction between a two-parent unit and a single or only parent one. I just find it an added burden to always be compared to the status quo when I'm so far from it. And I continue to wish that more people were aware of the issues facing only parents. I'm not sure any great changes would come of it. But simply for the public to have some more awareness of what only parent families face, may garner some sympathy and compassion for them in the future. And maybe that would be enough of a change to be helpful for others traveling this road that will follow me with younger children to raise.

Heroic Widowed Only Parent Mom

Last week began with my oldest, E., calling me hysterically from the automatic banking machine. He had deposited his cash tips totaling $140.00 and didn't receive a receipt. 18 years old. I've been told by some that I should and even could declare myself more "free" from him. That legally I am no longer even responsible for him. Are you kidding? Maybe 18-year-old males need parental input and support more than ever. I will never desert my sons. My childhood involved my siblings and I to be virtually self-sufficient. And I didn't have children to carry on that legacy. Yes, I need to guide my sons to be responsible and independent adults. But that doesn't mean shooing them out on their own upon their 18th birthdays.

My son ended up calling the bank's "Help" number. I didn't know what else to tell him. He was upset that it was outsourced and had difficulty understanding the woman he spoke with. It was not the time to tell him that I do not use these kinds of machines after hours for just the reason my son experienced. But he was assured that his deposit was credited.

Later in the week, I had the surreal experience of getting E. to two locations at the same time - his first volleyball match, which he was very pumped about since he is head team captain, and yet another band concert. Both locations were 30 minutes apart from one another. Said heroics involved a migraine (mine), negotiations with the vb coach and band director, my son changing into a tux in the van, and running down the halls of the high school to get his instrument from the band room and then to reach the stage. I will leave it at that and forgo more details.

This weekend, I had a 12:15 a.m. run to the all night pharmacy for some medication for my youngest, A. And so it goes.

I am tired and depleted. No one to share the responsibilities with or the logistics of how to figure all this stuff out. Sometimes the difficulties cancel out all the joys of parenthood. When I sink under the covers no one pats my shoulder and says, "Job well done, Mom."

I bring this all up now because I feel I haven't taken care of my own needs. The boys have always come first as it should be. But my relationships have always seemed lopsided, uneven. How can dating or seeing someone ever be fair and equal when my life is so intense and busy? The men in my life haven't had full time parenting responsibilities and have not understood the pressures always on my plate. I end up getting resentful and upset because it isn't even. Sometimes it has felt as though I have to do most of the work in my home along with my personal life.

Is there a solution to this? What do other only parents do when dating when they end up feeling like this?

I have decided to direct the focus onto myself this Spring a little more than I have in the past. I need to tend to my own home and affairs. That is just the way it is and has become. I still have never finished organizing our living environment or my finances and paperwork. It is Spring Break and the boys have promised to help me in this process. I will be more demanding of them.

One of my divorced girlfriends leaves her two kids, the ages of my sons, to fend for themselves over the weekends as she is with her boyfriend, out dancing, going for a drink, etc. I don't approve. She, I suppose is disapproving of my not getting out much socially. We represent two ends of the spectrum. Maybe it is impossible for only/single parents to lead balanced lives. It will just end up being lopsided, falling more on one side than the other. Parents constantly bemoan the fact that there aren't enough hours in the days. For only parents, there truly aren't. Nor is there enough steam in the engine to sometimes accomplish what needs to get done in the most productive manner.

The Hardest Part of Being a Widow Update

I once wrote a post titled "The Hardest Part of Being A Widow," which for me involves attending the numerous athletic, music and school activities of my sons' on my own. Last night was the 14th District Wide Band or Orchestra concert I attended on my own but this time there wasn't any moping or feeling sorry for myself. There was a huge sense of pride at my son and for myself as well.

The concert includes all the kids in the district (600) involved in either band or orchestra (separate concerts) from 4th-12th grades. Each level plays a couple songs on their own and then they all join together for a finale. The point is to show the parents and kids, especially the younger ones, where they'll end up if they continue all the way through.

I remember the first one I attended when my oldest was a beginning sax player and being blown away hearing the top high school band. Last night my son played in that top band. I heard the reaction of some of the parents around me with younger children and it was the same I had 8 years ago - awe at the quality and talent of the kids playing and hope that one day our own children would be part of that group. There were actually intakes of breath after the top band performed.

Almost a magical twist of fate that yesterday my son received his acceptance letter from the #1 college of his choice known for its excellent program in criminal justice as well as its music program (the two areas of study he has chosen). There weren't any tears in my eyes at the concert, just a huge surge of pride as I saw my tall, handsome son in his tux. I looked at the youngest kids imagining his own progression (as well as mine) through the past years. We did it! We made it! I successfully raised the boys into fine young caring men and they grew into mature teens on their own merits besides. It hasn't been easy. In fact, I would venture to say at times it has been hell and torture but last night, the bad stuff took a back seat to the joy and happiness I felt.

My husband never saw one of these concerts. When my sons were younger and he was still alive, he was in the hospital at the times these concerts occurred. I marveled a little that I was the sole parent of the boys attending these mega concerts all these years. And felt sadness that my husband had missed them...

An older gentleman asked me where the concert was as he entered the high school. I directed him to the gym adding that it was the 14th and final concert I would be attending! He smiled and replied, "That's what you think," and I assume he meant that there will be more concerts in college or with future grandchildren.

In the past, I have looked around me at all the intact families surrounding me on the bleachers and have just felt sadness, resentment, envy and pain that I have been alone holding up the household and being an only parent. But there was none of that last night. It was a celebration of how far we have come and the pure and simple fact that in the end we made it.

The finale was Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" and all I could think of was how significant this was too - they used to end with "Let's Go Band." There was joy last night in my soul and spirit. So if there is any silver lining to the road of widowhood, it would be for me, the knowledge that I did survive in the end and that the boys became good decent young men. Young men my husband would be tremendously proud of. Maybe even better men in some ways because of the trials they have faced.

I have griped about these district music concerts for years - once in a pretty bad snow storm we got stuck in the snow trying to get to the concert. But last night it was bittersweet that it was the last one I would ever attend with a son performing. Endings are bittersweet but I see on the horizon so much awaiting my son as he starts his college years, with my youngest ready to take those steps in another year.

I wish that there had been a magic ball in which I could have looked into so many years ago. To where I would have seen the happy and successful outcome that finally arrived. But I wouldn't have believed it anyway.

Widowhood + Parenthood = Crazyhood

Have been running around in circles the past week. Just so much going on with the boys and no free time. Wanted to post about Valentine's Day and some other topics. Hoped to have a few moments to myself but surprise, surprise, tonight is a band concert I didn't know about until this afternoon! Good news though! My oldest was just accepted into the number one college of his choice so we are celebrating the news. I am going to the concert because it will be one of the last I'll attend as a high school parent. Blogging can wait another day until tomorrow.

Puzzle Pieces

The week before last served as a kind of catharsis for me. I knew there was stuff going on at the time, but now with a week between and a chance to look back, I can really see the significance.

The week started with that crazy toe injury suffered by my oldest, that required a 2:00 a.m. ER visit. That made me reflect on health and deal with the tiring "only parenting" issue. The importance of my own health which has been an issue of late is all tied up with that too.

After that incident, I went out later in the week to apply for four jobs in my field of social services within nursing home settings. This was a major accomplishment for me because I think I am still suffering from lowered self-esteem due to my divorce and loss of home. Anyway, despite not being able to find my good dress shoes, I put on my interviewing outfit (nice pants and classy jacket) and hit the pavement. And I dealt with the shoes I found hoping no one would really notice my feet. This all relates around work, employment, financial security and redefining my purpose in the world.

One of the days I was out on the job hunt, the HR office was closed for lunch and I hit a local yarn store near the area to kill an hour. This is a store I used to frequent on almost a weekly basis and I became quite friendly with the owner. But I haven't gone in for about a year due to the house sale, lack of funds, and so on. The owner implored me to stop by again soon for more chatting whether or not I want to purchase some yarn. So this event relates to the area of friendship and personal interests.

Now what gets interesting is that while I was in the shop, two nice middle-aged women came in and we all got to talking. Turns out, the women belong to a group of 20 who meet at a local knitting club the town over. They invited me to join them. I was reminded of my need to build up new friendships and what better way for me to do this while engaging in my number one hobby! The women had some commonalities with me - there are two widows in the group, although they are older. There are other women also in transition with kids finishing college - so maybe not a bad group to check out. They meet at a Panera type bakery place that I know well and love, with a fireplace and chocolate croissants.

Then, another interesting aspect to all of this. In talking with these two fellow knitters, one of them mentioned that she has gone back to school to take the year-long Library Assistant Program which is something I have considered doing and want to do myself. It seemed like a sign to hear about this and the woman would be a contact to have in the program if I decide to start with a class at the local junior college this winter. So I took this as a coincidence or sign or whatever you want to call it, reminding me to hold fast to my dreams about what I want to accomplish in the future and to work at a job because I enjoy it and it brings me contentment and satisfaction.

Well, the week ended with my trip to ALDI where I overheard a middle-aged guy talking into his cell with his other half about the grocery list. And he signed off with "I love you." I stood there in the aisle and thought to myself, I am 51 years young and I want to be able to say those words to a partner again. That is important to me. I'm not going to give up on that dream either. There needs to be romantic love in my life again.

So the whole week kind of morphed into all these individual puzzle pieces that when put together assemble what is most dear to me. Like a representation of my current life and what it needs to become - all that reinvention and transformation energy that needs to be undertaken for me to move on.

As I've mentioned before, a life change seems so insurmountable because there are so many components involved:

1. Continuing to parent as an only parent.
2. Being more conscious of the importance of good health for both the boys and I.
3. Developing a new network of friends.
4. Pursing my own interests and hobbies.
5. Getting and working at a decent job now.
6. Building up some financial security.
7. Increasing my self-esteem, self-worth.
8. Taking the steps to enter the Library Assisting Program so I can begin an enjoyable second career in the future.
9. Increasing the love in my life.
1o. Learning to live a full, content and happy life on my own even without a partner right now.

I know when I think of these puzzle pieces in my head they seem overwhelming to accomplish but when I set them down as I did above, they don't seem that unreachable. Just like a jigsaw puzzle. You do a few pieces at a time. Sometimes you get a lot filled in, sometimes you don't. But you keep working to complete the entire puzzle.

I think this is why I felt the resentment I did over the summer, as I interacted with all the married moms at the baseball games. Those moms don't have to reinvent their lives right now - find love again, restart careers, make new friends, parent on their lonesome, figure out how to get a new handle on their lives. This rebuilding of a life takes such a lot of energy and strength and work. I'd much rather not be doing any of this. I had a good life before. And now I'm left to put together a really hard 1,000 piece puzzle by myself when I'm tired and sad and lonely. The choice is throwing the box into the garbage or opening it and dumping out the pieces to start the puzzle. I'm going to open the box as much as I wish I didn't have to.

Hold Me

The day has ended with me needing a huge, comforting hug. Wanting someone to hold me and murmur soothing words of encouragement, telling me it is all going to be okay. A warm, nurturing body to embrace me and a kind hand to stroke my back and hair, to let me cry a bit of it out on their shoulder.

Where does someone like me get that physical support? I am convinced that as human beings, we all need that element of connection - emotional as well as physical. Maybe even the physical more than the emotional at times. I do my best to be there for the boys. When the day seems especially rough, I make a point of touching them or giving them a hug as well as providing verbal assurances. But I tell you, this widowed mom and only parent sure needs to have someone to lean on too. We all do.

What happens when we lack this basic requirement? I guess we end up surviving but life is all round more tolerable when it includes the element of human touch and compassion. I am beginning to believe that any problem or condition is tolerable as long as one can face it with some support from others. Lacking that, for me at least, has become my personal hell. Having to face all these issues and problems on my own is I fear, slowly killing me. A person can only keep it together so long, can only keep the home fires afloat before they too need to be carried part of the distance. A load can be borne on one's own shoulders for only so long.

I'm thinking of all the people out there besides myself who are without an emotional and physical connection in their lives. There are the elderly that live alone, and other widows and widowers. Children and wives in abusive households. People existing in love-strained marriages. I wish there were a hug fairy that made rounds to the hug-starved.

Tonight was the fourth Friday in a row that I attended a football game sitting alone in the stands surrounded by hundreds of people. Tonight as I contemplated my need for some physical contact, I was awe struck by how strange it was to be in the midst of so many people and to feel so utterly alone, invisible and lost. I saw various acquaintances in the stands, both men and women. What would have happened it I'd asked one of them to give me a hug after the game? Would that be considered too weird or does a person simply do what they have to do to stay sane? Or I suppose I could have just greeted someone I knew with a hug of my own and see if they'd respond with one back (not the males though, as all their wives were present and might get the wrong idea about my intentions).

We need physical contact and emotional understanding. How blessed it is when we can receive both from loved ones in our lives.

"Bonbon" Eating Widow Replies

I got that question again yesterday - "What do you do with your day/time?" from someone failing to see that my days aren't really ones that I spend leisurely. Before widowhood, I was not a complainer, especially about parenthood or work. There may have been times when I had a trying day and might have been a bit mopey. But I never griped about or wished away my chores or duties. Since widowhood, I feel as though most of my days are spent just trying to get through the grind and make it into bed and I feel so drained, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The best way I can describe it is like living with a low-grade fever that never goes away. The fatigue is constant, dull and aching but not enough to warrant a visit to the hospital. You learn to live with it.

I have never discussed this before but I think it bears some recognition. For those of us caring for our ill spouses, there were the years before their deaths that wrecked havoc with our lives. By this I mean that the three years of my husband's illness left me fatigued and weary even before I got smacked into the sphere of widowhood. People coping with severe illness of their loved ones are already existing in a surreal life, even years before having to deal with death, loss and grief. There are hospitalizations, numerous medical visits, medical treatments and so on. The family has to manage the illness along with continuing to live in the "regular" world. Life goes on without you and around you while you continue to care for kids, buy groceries, work and deal with a major illness.

Looking back, the hardest aspect of all of this was the surreal world of the hospital. And someone with a serious illness spends much time there with it transitioning to full time at the end. I found hospitals to be their own, separate worlds. There is a different time and feel to them. As soon as you enter one, the outside world is gone. In those last three wearying months when my husband was hospitalized full-time, I spent my days at the hospital. There I was dealing with life and death decisions, sometimes without warning. Thoughts about severe static on the the landline phone, needing to call a repairman and the laundry backing up ceased to exist while conferring with the medical staff. I would be existing in this strange new world of hospital life that would evaporate as soon as I left the building and grounds. Then I was back in the real world full of traffic jams and groceries to buy.

Three years of trying to balance two completely different worlds while parenting two grade school boys, maintaining a part-time job effectively and be there for my husband as a partner, friend and wife. I was already fatigued and drained when my husband died with no vacation or break before stepping off the cliff and crashing into widowhood land. And then there is the tiredness that has come with only parenting and being on my own, lonely, sad and afraid. Can't leave out the grief work involved and the utter exhaustion it entails.

So in reply to the query of what do I do with my free time all day, here is a brief picture of my life the last week or so. After getting two reluctant and slow-moving teens out the door and driving them to school, I've come home to grocery shop, then gone cold calling to apply at nursing homes. I've gone to some career counseling appointments, gotten my son track shoes and shorts, done a whole lot of miscellaneous running around for my son in the talent competition including a costume rental, taken my oldest to the doctor and dermatologist, the youngest to the doctor, gone to Walmart for prescriptions, made dinners every night, cleaned, picked up after two pretty sloppy boys, done laundry, filled the gas tank, gone to a couple school functions, registered the boys for summer baseball and umpire training, bickered at length in person and on the phone with the bed store that sold me my fouton which broke a few weeks after installation and they have rufursed to repair, dealt with the hassle of a leaking bathroom shower and the rigamaroll of its repair, assisted the boys with homework and studying, gone through and organized financial paperwork for taxes (am still considering filing bankruptcy), and dug through all my old receipts to locate the one for the fouton.

There have been a few off-times of watching television and blogging. A little reading before bed if I'm not too tired. Some reading while waiting at dr. appts., no knitting or exercise, both of which would probably do me a great deal of good. I try to blog after I've put in dinner and am waiting for it to cook so I don't spend time on it during the day when there is already too much to do.

Maybe on paper what I've done the past week doesn't look that time consuming or challenging. But all I can say is that by the end of each day I am bone tired. Perhaps it has to do with the underlying and built up fatigue of my husband's illness for so many years along with the mental exhaustion that occurs because I have had to handle everything on my own with no one by my side to share the load or help me with making decisions. Lets add a pinch of lonliness and dash of anxiety but we'll hold the physical and emotional comfort and support that comes from being in a nurturing partnership.

Part of me may have hesitated in really going out whole hog in seeking work because I am fearful of what my life will become when I do start working a regular job. I'm already out of time and tired. Things are just going to become more challenging to plan and handle!

It is all based on perspective. If you've never had to parent on your own I don't think it is possible to really comprehend the extent of the experience. I am just so tired, even on a good day when I've been rested (but I still suffer from many nights of not sleeping well). So I suppose I move, think, act and do on a slower basis than others. I'm just not quick on the draw anymore, my reflexes have slowed down. I can blame being tired but also I suppose I am less optimistic and cheerful overall. I do try to remain hopeful and upbeat but deep down there is a downtrodden piece of my soul within that I'm not sure will ever be erridicated.

What has been the point of these words? To convey the extent of my experience - it is bigger than what might be initially seen or imagined. It goes down pretty deep with many layers, some holdouts from the past.

In addition to the actual physical tasks that need to be accomplished on a daily basis such as getting groceries and filling the gas tank, there are the ones that people can't see and probably don't even know exist - the mental juggling that comes from planning in advance, anticipiating complications, figuring out contingency options and handling the problems that come up, in part from being widowed and an only parent! Try that on for size. Then handling the job of two as one, another reality that takes some new skills and practice to accomplish. There is tremendous mental exhaustion to accompany the physical fatigue. To be the sole worrier about your childrens' welfare, as well as being the sole provider and then the only one caring for the family residence and handling EVERYTHING is not an easy load to shoulder.

To those who question and criticize what I accomplish, handle and do with my "free" days and time, what I want to say if give me a freaking break.

I am grateful:

1. That January and February have passed.
2. That I don't have to anticipate bad, snowy weather for another 7-8 months.
3. That I did receive flowers this month - the rose bouquet from my son's winning the competition - I suppose getting flowers any way you can counts - although I didn't win the vase in the raffle at the antique shop.
4. For a bed to sleep in.
5. For leftovers on the nights it is too busy to cook.

Ron Howard Saves the Day!

Last night my son wanted to watch the new Ron Howard produced program called "Parenthood." He had heard it was good. I don't watch much t.v. but decided to view it with him and was pleasantly surprised. The storyline centers around a close California family with four adult children, now raising their own kids. The oldest daughter has just moved back home with her parents to get back on her feet after a divorce with her musician, drug using and dealing husband. She has two teenagers, a boy and girl. The daughter is smoking cigarettes and pot. The son wants to go back home to live with his dad. Another son, also with two kids is kicked off his son's little league team as the coach for badgering an umpire who called out his son. The son, age 8 is experiencing learning and social problems - the school suspects he has Asperger's, a high-functioning form of Autism. There is sibling rivalry between the two adult daughters, one of whom is the golden girl high-powered attorney. But it appears that her marriage may not be as strong as she thought it was. The younger brother is portrayed as the commitment phobe. His girlfriend wants to have a baby, NOW, but he is not ready. Then the bomb is dropped at the end of the hour. Turns out he has already fathered a little boy but did not know until now!

Great real stuff. Thank goodness for reality and not hiding the crumbs under the rug! Middle-aged dating after divorce is one of the topics humorously brought up, along with the grandfather being told off with, "I'm not raising my kids the way you raised me." When the teenage daughter asks her mom why they have to move back with the grandparents, the mom replies, "Because we've run out of money." Just gotta love that! Now it would be great if one of the four adult kids had been widowed or maybe widowhood is reflected between the grandparents in some way. But at this point it is a minor criticism because this is such a refreshing and modern take on life today and I felt they did a very good job at it. I guess divorce is simpler to portray because it is more common for mid-lifers and easier to relate to.

So, maybe there is hope for Hollywood after all! Thank you Ron Howard for having the courage to portray a real family with real issues and real lives. I really believed this was an honest-to- good family that could actually exist! I have to admit feeling a tinge of envy while viewing this hour, though. These kids had the support of family to fall back on and that is not something I can rely on. My widowhood has been a very singualr road.

I am grateful:

1. For the springlike weather.
2. For having medical insurance (I'll devote a post to this topic in the near future).
3. For being able to take my sons to doctor appointments.
4. For being able to get my sons Rx acne medication and not pay through the nose.
5. For being offered a job (I'll post on that too).

It's Okay to be Sad

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day at the storage sheds, moving items from one into the one I just cleaned and organized. By day's end, I was utterly physically exhausted and also depressed. It was long, tedious work and during the process, I just kept seeing all my pretty things in such a cramped and ugly setting. Pretty things aren't so pretty anymore when they're stacked up in a concrete, cold, garage. I thought a lot about moving from our home and that brought on feelings of sadness.

The day's work was in such contrast to the actual day. Very breezy but warmer and sunnier than what we have had. I certainly did not want to be breaking my back on such a rare late autumn day - but first things first. You have to do what needs to get done. Afterward, there was grocery shopping, monitoring the boys as they went out and doing laundry. I felt out of it and so tired I could barely stand.

This morning my low feelings continue. I have to work the afternoon until 8:00 p.m., which I am not looking forward to because I still cannot wear a closed shoe comfortably on my right foot. But really, I just don't want to go. I want to play hooky and have a few hours to myself to think, reflect and contemplate a move and marriage. And to have time to not think, reflect and contemplate all that.

I woke up before 6:00 to get my son off to his club volleyball tournament and then did the homework for my clinical tomorrow. Laundry is being done and I'll make chili for the boys to have for dinner. As I do all this I've been fighting my sadness but then thought why shouldn't I be sad right now? Working on the storage sheds probably triggered it but there are other reasons to be sad too - lack of free time, being tired, juggling only parenting with a job and school, worrying about finances and figuring out what is best for all of us in regard to moving. And there is still that remaining undercurrent about my husband's death and the divorce. Today I just told myself that it is okay to feel sad - even with it being another nice late autumn day (a rarity).

Today I am grateful for:

1. The fine fall day.
2. That I found my son's extra pair of volleyball shorts in the dryer from last night where they'd been left (good thing I did another load of laundry in the morning).
3. Having a storage shed to put my belongings in that don't fit into the apartment.
4. That I have extra belongings to put into a storage shed.
5. That I can walk despite having had a box fall on my foot.

Dinner Around the Kitchen Table

I am feeling utterly drained. I don't think I've restored myself from helping Guyfriend (GF) move last weekend. Going to school four days a week is more tiring than I expected. There is homework and tests to study for, as well as reading. I am finding that my mind works more slowly than it did some years ago - or maybe the fatigue has a contibuting factor.

The drive to school is about an hour each way - lots of time to think and reflect. Especially on the situation of moving and marriage. I am wondering if all that reflection is also adding to my feelings of exhaustion. Everything is coming down at once! GF has been at his new job training in Detroit this week. I asked him what are some of the things he has been learning and he mentioned open and closed communication which is pretty funny because we also talked about that in my classes this week too! GF told me that he listed me as his emergency contact with the title of fiance. I laughed about that because he has never formally asked me to marry him. Rather, he has said that we will get married in December if I move. I don't doubt his feelings for me or his honorable intentions in the least. He is the real deal - genuine, honest and true to his word. Probably a good guy to have around when the going gets tough.

One thought has kept coming back to me over and over this week. My mind reviews the movie in my head titled, "The Widowhood Years" and what makes me most sad out of everything is that in these years, my sons and I have rarely eaten together as a family around a table. The last year of my husband's life, we got into this habit of eating dinner in the van on the way to see him in the hospital (to save time, convenience, etc.). After his death, we started eating in front of the t.v., or I'd make and serve dinner at odd hours because of sports, or we'd eat at the location of the sporting event we were at. Later, when my parents became so ill, we sometimes ate with my mom or I ate on my own and the boys ate beforehand. Just a mishmosh of throwing together meals, a lot of times on the fly.

I guess I equate the dinners the four of us used to share around a table, like a normal family with what is normal and should be for children to experience growing up. After my husband's death there was no normal. I know there are lots of ways to parent, lots of ways to live, lots of way to do things. There are probably a fair number of intact families out there eating around the t.v. most nights. But that was not what I ever expected would happen to us. Certainly not from a dedicated mom with her master's in psych. - of all moms, I knew better.

But as we all know, life doesn't go according to plan and we end up doing the best we can with the situation we face. And that leaves me today, a tired, depleted, middle-aged mom with a chance again at love struggling with balancing my own needs against what is best for my boys. In any case, for me the toughest grief I have had to face has not been the death of my husband but everything that came afterward as a result of his death. Like the lost routine of eating around the kitchen table.

Small Graces

The cake decorated like a monster was the first one chosen at yesterday's Cross Country "Cake Run." So what does that signify?

1. I know how to pick a nice cake.
2. My son had a nice cake to give away (he didn't have to be embarrassed).
3. My efforts at getting the cake show that I care for my son and want him to have positive experiences.
4. We still have the means to be able to afford a non-essential extra like this.
5. It is possible to not have to bake your own items for these kinds of things. I gave up the guilt over that soon after my husband died.
6. It is sometimes the little things that matter most. Getting the game system the boys want is important and I wish I could afford to get it right now. But little feats add up and count too.
7. That a cake can save the day!
8. That even in the middle of adversity, little things like cakes and "Cake Runs" are important. You can't cut out all extras.

I want to believe that it is the small graces that end up meaning the most of all.

Homecoming 2009

Times have certainly changed since I was in high school. Today, you don't just ask a date to Homecoming, you have to do it in a unique way. A pizza delivered to your date's house with a message written in pepperoni; dressing up as Superman; meeting your date on a horse at the riding stable she boards her horse at, etc. I had forgotten just how trying and stressful Homecoming week can be - not just for the kids, who have a week full of special events and assemblies, but also the poor parents! And I am going to add - it is tough functioning as an only parent when life is basically ho hum and normal. But during a week like this one, the only parent routine takes on a new dimension!

By the end of the week I was worn out from running to the store for my youngest who first wanted to present flowers to his date when he asked her to the dance and then decided on candy (he ended up using nothing I purchased because his girlfriend was grounded and not allowed to see him! I gave the lovely flower bouquet to my oldest who gave it to his girlfriend). I had to go to the dry cleaners, order flowers, purchase socks, a shirt and two ties because there is a "rule" that the boy's ties "match" their date's dress. It was touch and go for a while when I couldn't locate the belts lost somewhere in the move - but we found two that would do.

I ended up taking my oldest to the doctor during the week because he was freaking out about his face breaking out. Then the boys wanted face cream and cover up, new deodorant and haircuts. And the dance tickets cost $60.00 and dinner about $160.00 between the two. The youngest was testy and rude to me all week (no doubt some of this was related to nerves but there is no other parent to absorb some of that excess anxiety being flung your way!).

But the real stress occurs the day of the dance - PICTURES! Although both boys go with large groups of friends, somehow the houses where the kids pose for photos before the dance always wind up at well-to-do families. I am the sole single/only parent in attendance and feel awkward and self-conscious. Then to top it off, we are in homes of families not having financial worries. I end up feeling jealous, envious and resentful. We live in a town filled with beautiful mini-mansions and historical showcases. One of the homes on Saturday had an amazing fish pond in the backyard, patio and garden that took my breath away. It was full of mission style furniture. The other was a restored historical home. Being in those homes made me miss the average, middle-class house I had to sell. Last year, when I was taking photos at least I was still a homeowner. This year I really felt the economic division between those who have and those in my position.

Taking the photos is hard enough for me because they are usually around 4:00 and I am unable to be in two places at once so I have to choose which boy to photograph and give a disposable camera to the other and hope a parent will snap a couple of shots for me. This year I was lucky to be able to attend both photo sessions since one was at 4:00 and the other 4:30. But as the locations were a distance away, it was rushed and stressful racing from one to the other. Other parents can split up and each take a kid if they have more than one going to the dance.

In the end, my sons looked handsome and their girlfriends beautiful. I remain proud that my boys continue to hold their heads high, that they are popular and accepted. Looking at the wealthy parents surrounding me as we took pictures made me think of how early in my widowhood, I felt such a disconnect to everyone around me. It wasn't that I felt superior or better than others, rather it was that I was thinking and being on another level. On Saturday I felt totally unconnected to these other parents, light years away!

I suppose having the photos taken in these beautiful homes makes the owners proud and gives them a chance to show off. Last year the hosts actually served cocktails and gourmet snacks to the parents! Wouldn't it be a hoot to offer to host the photo shoot for the next dance at our apartment? I could rent out the commons area in our complex, which is actually quite lovely (with its own set of mission furniture!). I just kept thinking as I stood among these fortunate parents, how different our lives are. But somehow this line of thought also made me feel proud of myself - to realize that out of all those people, I was probably the one surviving the most pain and loss.

Today I am grateful:

1. Homecoming 2009 was successful and is over!
2. The boys still fit into last year's suits so I didn't have to buy new ones.
3. That suits from Target look the same as those from department stores.
4. That the boys are popular and went to Homecoming.
5. Everyone made it home safe and sound (the boys and their friends and all the kids in our community).

Doing Nothing

There is a woman in my neighborhood I pass by everyday and oftentimes she is sitting out on her porch doing nothing! I have seen this for many years and it has always stuck me. How can she do nothing? No book in hand, no craft project. She does smoke though.

This astounds me! I am always doing something. For instance, watching t.v. while knitting and during the commercials reading. When my husband was still alive I worked 20 hours outside the home and volunteered at least 10 hours weekly at the boys' school. Then I also volunteered with abused and neglected kids in my community. Since my husband's death my free time has dwindled even more. There just isn't any. A lot of my knitting only gets done while watching one of the boys play sports.

I am in the last push of the moving process and it seems as though it won't get done. I am so tired and ache all over. My bones and muscles hurt. The garage is almost finished but I still have to pack and somewhat clean the house. I think I will have to have the movers do some of the packing because it looks as though I will fall short. The buyers are coming for the inspection tomorrow and it'll be what it will be. I can only accomplish so much of this on my own (the story of my life as a widow). I have somewhat reached the point of not caring anymore and feeling numb.

I want to be like the woman I see on the porch - doing absolutely nothing except watch the cars and people go by. Is her housework actually completed? Doesn't she have bills to pay or some photos to put away in her album? I am envious of her ability to sit and only sit. I have done so much in the past years and am still doing too much. I just want to sit and sit doing absolutely nothing! Well, maybe sit and work on a jigsaw puzzle. That would kind of be like doing nothing.

Today I am thankful:

1. For the sounds of the insects that come out at night.
2. For being able to give some more scrap metal to another scavenger passing by today.
3. For the unbelievable customer service I received at Home Depot buying packing supplies - I was treated like a queen and considering I looked like hell that was a nice thing.
4. For the browning Lazy Susan flowers I saw that just a few days ago were vibrant and bright. The season is changing.
5. Applesauce and all things apple.

Emptying Closets

Somewhat of a rough day spent clearing out some closets and transporting the contents to the storage shed. Yesterday, I took eight bags of children's books to the resale shop. As I went through the playroom closet, I did feel some relief that at least my boys were not deprived of books or toys when they were little! I came across the random note written by my first husband and the preschool homework he had helped our oldest with. The assignment was to find items beginning with the letter "U" and glue them onto a piece of paper. Knowing that he had worked with my son on this hard letter (they used umbrella and a flag for USA) touched me all these years later. Of course I set these memories aside and will put them with my scrapbooks.

My mood throughout the day was sad and melechony. I decided to do the closets and to delay the real packing as long as I can so as not to make the house look like a disaster zone. I wish I were a stronger person who could say that moving into an apartment doesn't upset me and that a home is what you make it and all of that. But the fact is, I do feel as though I have lost a social status symbol and that I have become less of a person because I will be living in an apartment. Maybe I need to look at it from another perspective that I wasn't a better person for being able to live in a house all these years, just more fortunate than some others.

I hired a moving company and also found a short-term Certified Nursing Asst. program in the area starting for five weeks on 10/26 at an affordable cost of $600.00. I need to make a decision to register soon as this program will also fill up quickly. The thought of taking the months of Sept. and Oct. to clear out the storage sheds, organize our new home and have a period of self-reflection sounds very good to me right now. And to know that by the start of the new year I can be in a better position to find full-time employment also is a soothing thought.

The boys start school next week and it is a challenge to deal with all of the emotional stuff in moving and to keep it fairly together for them. Somedays that is what I tell myself to make it through - that I have to focus on them because if I don't, no one else will. For me, it is this aspect of widowhood that has been the most difficult - the "only" parenting. If I accomplish one thing with this blog, I hope it is to inform the general population that being an only parent is unbelievably tough. The day-in and day-out of being the only one worrying about the kids and doing the hands-on parenting. At least divorced parents share the parenting responsibilities to some extent and there is time off when the other parent has visitation. I think most people don't realize how draining being an only parent is because there is never a break and the longer you've been an only parent, the more exhausted you are (physically and emotionally!). I will get off my soapbox for now. I just know that for me dealing with this move and the sale of my home would be so much more tolerable if I were facing it with a partner/husband.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the fall-like cool weather.
2. For the tinge of red I noticed starting in the leaves of some of my bushes.
3. For the hardy mums being sold at the grocery store - I'll get a big one for the balcony of my apartment when we move.
4. For the rain today which cleared the air and made it feel so refreshing.
5. For umbrellas and our country's beautiful flag.

Lost in the Forest

I am in a brooding, frantic, fearful mood - feeling desperate and alone. I feel as though I have lost my bearings and am sinking without a life raft in sight. I spent the last few days considering educational possibilities at the local Community College. Certificate programs that could offer some full-time job potential, stability and growth. So far I am striking out on my considerations. I am looking for a program that will provide me with as much bang for the buck as possible. Both the Medical Coding/Billing and Library Technology Programs take about a year to complete. The 5-week Certified Nursing Assistant Program is full - I'd need to wait until January to enroll.

When I got my Master's in Psychology in 1997 it was never with the intention that I'd be working full-time to support a family on my own. I got it for personal development reasons and the plan was I'd work part-time while continuing to be a very hands on mom, as well as doing my volunteer work in the community. Once I got my Master's I only worked part-time jobs.

I continued with the job I had in my field for one year after my husband died. I was holding on to that suggestion that you make no major changes in your life for a year after a spouse's death. I'd been there five years and loved it! But as with most social service jobs it required that I work evenings and weekends. After a year of juggling babysitters, I quit the job (after tremendous consideration and anguish). In reality, the boys needed me and the job was more of a disruption and hindrance than what it provided back in gain. They were just too young to be on their own and had gone through too much. My plan was to take 6-9 months off cleaning up the estate and financial matters. I also wanted to spend some time on personal healing which had been neglected up to that point. Then, I'd start looking for another job with daytime hours.

But as the story goes, just a few weeks after I left my job, my youngest collapsed unconscious in a movie theater and we were thrust back into the medical world of diagnostic tests and hospitalizations as we figured out his diagnosis. He came out healthy and fine (thank God) but by that time, eight months of my "personal leave" had been taken, although I hadn't accomplished any of the goals I'd set out for myself. I became worried about money and took a part-time job in my field that had daytime hours that fit with the boys' school schedule. That was a blessing but then all the crazy care taking stuff started to come down with my parents. And after eight months I left the new job to devote more time to my folks (as well as being an only parent). Even with not working a job at that time, there were not enough hours in my day to get everything done!

So fast forward to now. I have been out of the working loop for some time. I don't even know how to use Monster.com or those other job search sites. I was blown away when I found out that today you need to have pretty good computer skills to job search - the last time I really was out there looking was over 10 years ago! I feel old, washed up and in the dark. My age group (mid-life) is currently at the highest level of unemployment in the country right now. But because of my situation it is imperative that I work full-time, hopefully during the day and receive benefits. I have two boys to get through college in a few years and the responsibility of doing that completely on my own is so daunting I'm about ready to collapse.

The part-time hours at my retail job are not consistent and I work evenings and weekends. Now that school is starting I am worried about not being around to provide assistance with homework and studying to the boys. But if I didn't have this job we very well might be on the street. I had so hoped to find some light at the end of this tunnel - a short certificate program I could quickly complete so I can start full-time hours as soon as possible. Working part-time in the evening and on weekends was never a problem when my husband was alive because there was still a parent around for the boys. Now all of us seem to be so shortchanged. And the stress and strain is really taking a toll on me.

If there is anyone out there who has some suggestions they'd like to offer I am all ears. I am still debating taking an online course in the Medical Billing/Coding Program since that wouldn't interfere with working. Then I suppose my only option is to really get out there and start looking for work in my field. I found that there were not that many opportunities when I looked over the winter, which is why I took the retail job. Maybe the situation has improved?

This is just such a burden to bear on one's own. The pressure and worry that just sits with me. No one to offer hope/encouragement. Any suggestions on how to deal with this aspect of my life would also be appreciated. Right now, my only ideas are to drink more and take more Xanax - I'm only kidding (kind of).

I am connected with two job assistance agencies so I can go there after the move from our home for training on the computer. But the real reason I had hoped for a quick fix with a short certificate program was that I don't feel I'm in the position right now to be a good counselor to anyone because the amount of grief/loss on my own plate right now. I just don't feel stable enough emotionally to be able to provide support to others when I have so little to give myself and my boys.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have a job; menial, boring and depressing as it is (I only get yelled at by the managers - that gets old pretty fast). At least it is something.
2. That it was a beautiful day and I took a short drive on my own just to get out a bit and give myself a break before work tonight. The temperature, although hot is not humid and it is so pretty this time of year with all the blooms in their full glory. I felt much better after my little drive observing nature.
3. That we have made it through all this time and I want to believe that we'll continue to make it (with food, shelter, clothing, etc.).
4. For rye bread.
5. For Vienna Sandwich cream cookies.

A Friend in Life and Death

One of the bad things about working is that I'm not home for nine hours and the boys have to fend for themselves. I feel as though I am not in touch with them - when I get home I am so exhausted I just collapse after getting everyone dinner. Then I go to bed early or frantically clean because of the house being on the market and tomorrow is the house inspection.

When I got home yesterday, I saw a memorial card from a funeral on the table and saw that it was for a teenage boy. I was not aware of a student in our community dying because I have been at work nonstop and haven't been keeping up with the news. It turns out that a friend of my oldest son since 7th grade died last week. While I was at work, he got dressed up and found a ride to get to the wake on his own. While there, he stood by his friend's open casket and talked to his friend's father for 30 minutes. He related that he patted his friend goodbye and that many of the kids there could not even approach the casket.

I was blown away by my son's maturity and actions. That he handled paying a tribute to his friend on his own without any assistance from me is amazing. But then to have the composure and strength to talk to his friend's grieving father for 30 long minutes is even more impressive!

I asked my son if he is more comfortable with death because of his Dad dying when he was 10 and he agreed with that. He did cry at the service, which I think is good.

I hate this job that takes me away from being with my boys when they need me but if I had been at home I would have driven my son to the wake and funeral. My not being there has shown me the depth of his character and soul. There aren't enough words to express the pride I now feel for this young man who has suffered so much but can also give so much.

Today I am grateful:

1. That there is still money left in the checking account with payday a day away.
2. That my son showed respect for his friend and his friend's family.
3. That both boys have been able to make mature decisions while I am working so although I worry, I also trust them.
4. For my job that does put food on the table.
5. For my sons' strength and perseverance.

Another Friday Alone (Depressed, Lonely, Sad)

I am having a tough night, alone at home with the boys both out. I reluctantly let the oldest have the car to go to the movies because I work Sat. and Sun. I guess I am also feeling guilty at our probable move to an apartment, so I try and give in to the boys when I can. But the end result is that I am here stuck at home and reading isn't cutting it. I'm depressed and eating too many M & Ms. I had plans to go out with a friend and now wish I had done so as I work the rest of the weekend and next week will be spent on a final push in getting the house ready for showings. I signed the real estate listing contract today and I suppose am feeling down about that too. At the store today they had the Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody song playing over the intercom and I started sobbing. It is a beautiful song. It made me want to have the kind of relationship the words described.

I am too young, vibrant, intelligent, attractive, interesting, loving, caring, kind-hearted of a person to be alone on a Friday night like this. I want and need to share my life with a committed partner. The boys are only growing older and will be off to college before I know it. I do not want to be having this same discussion with a blog post five years from now - complaining about being sad and lonely!

I would like to feel wanted and desired. To have a male companion who values his time with me and is eager to hear what I have to say about life and the world. I should and need to be out on a dinner date sipping a glass of wine right now. But then there is this part of me that is stuck in this depressive mode saying that it won't happen. I'm too old, my chance is over, I blew it with husband #2, there is something wrong with me, no on will want me now that I've failed financially, etc. and all that. I go back and forth between the two like I'm on a swing, from feeling high to low.

Part of the problem is that I have come to believe that it is much harder for widowed moms to date and socialize than divorced moms. That is my opinion because we're doing all the parenting and have less free time to spare. I also think that we're more drained and sometimes don't want to go out because of that.

That line I hear all the time about love finding you when you're not looking and least expect it is pure bunk! I didn't look for love for 2 1/2 years after my husband died and didn't have a date until I registered online with a dating service and started putting myself out there. It takes such energy to date and build relationships here in mid-life and as an only parent.

Tonight I gave the van to my son out of the goodness of my heart. It was a sacrifice on my part. But I think I need to be concentrating on myself every once in a while or I may just end up a bitter, mean-spirited old woman who yells at little kids for cutting through her yard and even watches for them out her window, ending up scaring them and having then call her a witch. I don't think this is a real likely scenario but you never know - I need to recharge and regroup too if only to maintain my sanity.

I haven't had much time to devote to myself at all since my husband's death and maybe I need that more that I need a date right now. Some selfish time for healing, reflection, and doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it (within reason of course). E.g., I wish I'd thought of going along with my son to the movies - I could have sat in another show while he and his friends saw the teen flick they wanted! Or go out to lunch, browse in an antique shop, start knitting a new pattern.

And maybe this is just one of those low points that will pass in a day or two and I need to ride out the storm until I see the clouds break. What makes this really crummy is that being a widow with virtually no support, yes there are times it is overwhelming and I feel down and out. But the only way out is to climb out myself - there is no one beside me holding out their hand and saying, "Here, let me give you some of my strength." I'm already depleted, depressed but it'll have to be me who gives myself a hand in order to get out of this. And that aspect of this life is the ultimate irony. To be in a place where I need help but I only have myself to rely on - and when you're at a low point, purely funcitioning on a minimal level is almost a miracle in and of itself.

So, to recap, this is what I've gotten out of all my gibberish:
- I don't want to live the rest of my life alone (without a committed partner)
- it is hard to find a committed partner when you're a widowed mom
- I need to start caring for myself or I might become a witch/bitch
- I'm a valuable woman, deserving of a partner and with a whole lot of good stuff to give that I want to give
- There are times when I'm going to be down simply because of my current life situation because I am not yet a Saint
- It is unbearably difficult to have little support and to have to rely on my own strength to constantly pick myself up, move on and get out from under the funk
- I still have to keep living with or without another husband/partner by my side - I have to try and find fulfillment and happiness in my life

Today I am grateful:

1. That I got to hear the Unchained Melody song.
2. That the kitchen light was fixed and we have a bright kitchen again!
3. That I got the right tool needed to cut out some carpet that I need to do in the family room.
4. For my cats who lie in my lap while I am reading.
5. For the opportunity to go to bed early tonight.

A ball falls (or I screwed up)

In the almost six years my husband has been gone, I've been pretty much a master at keeping the juggled balls in the air. Not to say that it has been an easy feat - most days I am drained and stressed. Until recently, I've only worked outside the home part-time for half of this time period. Which means that for about three years I wasn't working at a job, although I did help my parents on an almost daily basis on top of my parenting duties. For me the juggling has been getting my sons to all of their numerous activities, keeping our schedules straight, handling all aspects of daily living without any assistance from anyone. At times it is challenging because there are so many details to remember and when something changes (like a baseball game gets rescheduled) it can take some real creativity to reorganize the schedule. I honestly do not think there could have been any way I could have worked even part-time outside the home and handled everything on my own when the boys were younger. Now that they are in high school and one can drive, it is more foreseeable.

But back to my juggling metaphor, because today one of the balls in the air dropped. I was at work an hour and a half into my 8 hour shift when I received a call from my oldest that all of the baseball equipment was in the back of the van. The boys had a summer league game this afternoon. I had left for work late in the morning so proud that I'd gotten up early to make a home cooked meal for the boys that they could reheat on their own, totally forgetting that I needed to take out their equipment from the van. I knew they had a game and we had discussed their walking to the field and eating dinner afterward. I remembered everything except where the equipment was. I told my manager that I had to attend to an emergency situation at home and would take my half hour dinner break early so I could get them their sports bags.

As I rushed home, I cried and felt very depressed about having to always "fix" everything by myself. I was upset with myself for not remembering about the equipment in the first place, having to leave work and then losing my poor little 30-minute break! Here I have been so good about remembering all the details of our life! When I wasn't working outside the home this kind of thing wouldn't happen because I was the one always driving the boys so they would have been dropped off with their sports bags. So remembering to take the equipment out of the van before I leave is not something I am used to.

I realize that it is pretty silly to be upset with myself for such a small mistake but I still was because over the past six years I've done so well! This is one of the first times something like this has happened. I've become such an expert at juggling so many balls and keeping it all together (despite my fatigue and stress!). I guess the first time you goof it stings a bit. I have to be somewhat realistic here and acknowledge that with going back to work something had to give - there were bound to be some scheduling problems. No one can keep it together 100% - NOBODY! I need to commend myself for all that I've been able to do in the past and to recognize all that I'm doing now, especially with having gone back to work.

While driving home, I passed a wedding party posing for photos in the park. My tears fell harder as I thought about how difficult this is everyday - to keep on going raising the boys on my own, without a husband alongside me. It wasn't my fault that he died and left me in this predicament. I just wished there had been someone to call to help me while I was at work today, someone to help share the load - but as a widowed mom it is just me. So I did what I had to do; drove home, unloaded the baseball stuff, redid my makeup, ate a banana on the way back to work to tide me over, then returned to work, finished out the day and tried to comfort myself (something my husband would have provided when the going got tough). And I guess that would be a pretty good way to describe my current life - doing what has to be done with a little crying here and there; parenting on my own while getting back into the work force and doing the best I can. I guess I should be grateful that this has been the worst thing I have forgotten!

Today I am grateful:

1. That I was allowed to leave work to get the boys their baseball equipment.
2. That my oldest was able to deal with the situation in a calm, mature manner by finding the store phone number, calling the store and then getting me on the phone to explain the situation. Since I've always been at home, he has never had to face something like this on his own.
3. That despite the mishap, the day continued and ended in one piece with no great harm done (except to my pride).
4. To have been shown that I can't always keep it up, there will be times things fall apart and it is okay - I need to be able to support myself even when forgetting something or making a mistake. I need to cut myself some slack - that is the lesson here.
5. For being human and realizing I am only human.

Drivers License Update

I let my son have the van for an hour before his afternoon volleyball practice. He was just going to drive to a friend's house across town to celebrate his achievement. I figured I'd give in and let him have his moment. I hope it gets some of the pent up urge to take the van out of his system (fat chance!).

A very, very small feat in the grand scheme of things, I guess. But also representative of the need to somehow balance life within the boundaries of our current circumstances.

"Mom, can I have the van?"

My 16-year-old just got his drivers license. I tried to delay the process as long as possible and bought myself a few weeks but could only go so far continuing to tell him that his replacement social security card had not yet arrived in the mail! So I bit the bullet and we accomplished this milestone this morning. Then went to my insurance agent to have him covered. I am excited, proud and happy for him but at the same time looking at our situation realistically. Our main vehicle is a van with just over 100,000 miles on it. If something happens to it, I would not receive enough money from the insurance to get a replacement; nor do I have the means to be able to get a new vehicle. This van is it - I rely on it for all of our transportation and without it would not be able to survive here in the suburbs. Or, get to a job.

And of course, my son now thinks he can have the van to go out socializing with his friends. I am not looking forward to this next phase of adolescence. My son needs to realize that our vehicle is our lifeblood right now - a necessity, not a luxury. I do feel bad that this is another hardship my son needs to acknowledge. If my husband were still alive, or I was still married, the financial concerns I have wouldn't exist.

As we drove home, I passed the home of a mom I know who was out gardening. She lives in a nice home with her three nice kids and nice husband. The thought flashed through my mind that she sure isn't dealing with any of the worries on my plate right now. I know when I bring this kind of observation up I always hear back, "You don't know what is going on behind other houses" and all that kind of stuff. Yes, that is true. But I do not think that this woman is fretting about what will happen if her teen crashes the only vehicle they have. She may have some troubles or concerns but I'm pretty certain they're not on the same intensity as mine - and in any case she has a husband with whom to share her issues. A bit of resentment flowed through my veins as we drove by. And then we got home and I had to deal with my son already asking for the van...

Today I am grateful:

1. That my son got his drivers license.
2. That my son is a good driver.
3. That my son got a perfect score on his drivers license test (very rare).
4. That both my sons are pretty great kids.
5. That there weren't long lines at the drivers license facility.