Zest as an Ingredient to Life

My girlfriend and I have a tradition for each dance our kids attend. After we go for the photo sessions, usually around 4-6 p.m., we treat ourselves out to dinner. My friend who is also divorced has a hard time at these events, as do I, because we are usually the lone parents in the sea of married couples.

Tonight we met up as we usually do, grateful for a time to vent, talk and commiserate. We each had two drinks and a nice meal. Our conversation quickly moved on to other topics after we got the dance out of the way. I guess you can say that we have tried to create an enjoyable time for ourselves to counteract a trying and difficult experience. We've rewritten a recipe by adding a dash of zest and fun to an otherwise humdrum and bland dish. We end up looking forward to the end of the day which for both of us is full of errands and dealing with anxious kids. I thought about my dinner at the photo session and it helped me get through the hand shaking and meeting of other parents. A little sprinkle of courage and strength - a celebration that we made it through as single moms yet again - that we did what we needed to for our kids.

Wouldn't it be lovely to really have a little bottle of "zest" to take out and sprinkle over myself when the going gets tough?

World Place

I was reading before bed last night - Claire Cook's "Must Love Dogs" and a passage really struck me. It contained the word "world" and I knew that would be the "W" word I would post about today.

"I even missed Kevin. No, it was more that I missed the idea of a Kevin. Having a husband, even one I barely talked to, had given me a certain status, a respectability, a belonging. I had a place in the world. I knew what I'd be doing tomorrow, even if it wasn't particularly interesting."

Having a place in the world. Somehow I seem to have lost that place since my husband's death and then losing another to divorce. At least that is what it feels like to me. To be floating around in this vast world without that deep connection to another being. I feel without roots, powerless. My identity and worth was so tied up within my marriage.

It was good to read these words and gain new understanding and perspective as to how I feel and see myself. Good to see how someone else expresses these emotions and to be able to grasp the meaning at such a deep level.

Of course I know that I am important just by myself. That my life has value and meaning. I've done the best I can to raise two young boys to be productive citizens of the world. That is worth something. But when all is said and done, I realize for me the value and importance of being connected to someone within a relationship/marriage. There is no shame in admitting or needing that. It is who I am. A widow wanting out of widowhood.

Unity

My youngest son, A., asked me if I would be attending the prom photo extravaganza this Saturday, with parents taking 200 shots of their teens before the dance. There was a question in his voice as he asked me this because he knows going to these events by my lonesome is not something I like to do. He even asked if Sam could come with me so I would not be alone. I will be meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. I assured him that I will be nice and not do any weird widow stuff.

It is unsettling for me to go to these things always facing off with couples. Something about being the underdog... It is awkward and uncomfortable. I go because I want to be there but am so relieved when the whole hour-long thing is over. I grin and bear it.

There is such an emotionally draining aspect of always having to go in and out of situations alone, meet new people who are part of a couple, constantly have the courage or faked confidence to walk into a place without someone familiar to lean on - to feel vulnerable and alone in new situations and circumstances.

I thought of the word unity and how for me it means togetherness and joining two or more into a supportive unit. When I looked the word up in the dictionary I was surprised to see that it means the state of being one. And here I am, alone and one, wanting to be part of a unit.

Remember all the "United We Stand" slogans that were bantered around after 9/11? There was such an emphasis on joining together and becoming unified. The emphasis is on a group acting as a unified front and therefore, the unit is stronger than the individual. I do feel that two are stronger than one. That there is a weakness in standing on my own two feet all the time. Of course I am a strong woman, who has done her best over the years to get on by myself and raise two boys on my own. But on Saturday I will be severely reminded that a lone duck on a pond is more at risk, less safe than those ducks within the safety of a group.

People think that facing challenges makes us stronger. That we grow used to our circumstances and more accepting or tolerant of them. Swimming in that pond on Saturday I will be the stray duck on the outskirts of the flock left behind as the others swim off together without a glance behind them, secure, safe and together in unity.

Love

Of course I have to write about love today. Following are a couple quotes from Jane Green's "Dune Road" that I found relevant to me.

"Love is about companionship. It's about having someone by your side as you enter your golden years."

"She has been trying to tell herself that she isn't missing Adam, she is missing someone. Someone to help, someone who will ensure she won't have to do everything, absolutely everything in her life all by herself."

"Loving requires acts of love. It requires thinking of your spouse, doing things for them to make them happy. It requires acting in loving ways, even when you are tired, or bogged down with work, or so stressed you are waking up every night with a jaw sore from grinding your teeth."

"They forgot to love each other. they expected love to continue, without putting any work into it..."

"She just doesn't think she has the energy to start again, not to mention traumatizing the children even more."

"She has become more selfish, she knows, since living on her own with the kids. She is used to having everything done her way, is used to her stuff being her own..."

"It is so nice to have someone tell her son to behave, so nice to not be the only one dealing with the kids, attempting to teach them manners, reprimanding them. It is so nice not to be the bad cop all the time."

These statements capture a lot of how I feel about my life as a widow and only parent. Tonight I sat on the bleachers for a volleyball game and was behind two couples I've known since the boys were four and five. One of the husbands put his hand on the small of his wife's back and rubbed it in a circle. The moment lasted just a minute. Did this women even really notice his gesture? Then the wife of the other couple leaned on her husband for support as she got up. Another moment that lasted just an instant but which I saw with such intensity and clarity. I thought of how my husband and I should have been part of that group of couples, would have been if he were still alive. I would have most likely needed his support getting down the steep risers but as it is, I clomp clumsily down on my own.

I had love in my life and support and an involved co-partner and parent. We were really a good team together and good parents to the the boys. We had a good life. We were good citizens and people.

So now I tiredly get through the days on my own. But I continue to hope and dream of love. That it will touch my life again. That I'll be able to live with a partner in the future who will enrich my life and that both of us can grow and become better people because of our togetherness. That I'll be able to lean on someone going down the bleachers.

Moonlit Walk

Took my walk a little later than I normally do and was surprised by how early it got dark. Saw the lights twinkling in people's homes and imagined couples and families greeting one another with something warm and cozy on the stove. My walk was quiet, sad and reflective. I cut it short because I started to get spooked out as the moon rose higher and the night got darker - I didn't feel safe out in the woods by myself.

It is not that I feel lonely. Just that I feel alone. Looking back now on my months of blogging and 400 some entries, I would say that the reason I do so is to be heard. To tell someone my story, my feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. There aren't many people in my life who really listen or care and I guess in the end, that is what I am most seeking. To have interactions with people who want to listen, who care, who are interested and to whom I matter. Many days I feel that if I simply disappeared, the only ones affected would be my two sons. And I want to matter to someone else. I want to feel the connection again that I had with my husband. I also want to help another human being feel important, nurtured and loved. To know with certainty that there is someone in the world to come home to who'll be waiting with open arms of acceptance.

Seven years ago I would never have imagined the intensity of feeling alone or how draining that aspect of widowhood is. To want something more in terms of a personal relationship but to have it elude you can be a hard reality to accept at times.

Tonight both my sons are at home as football is over and they are playing a sports video game together that my youngest bought with his job earnings today. They haven't had an operating game system in a year and have missed it. Today's purchase was a used 360. They are happy with the novelty of the game and it is peaceful and quiet. And I get time to myself on the computer. There is a pizza and some cake for dinner, along with ice cream. I am indulging in a rare glass of wine. I am trying to be mellow and to think ahead to a time when I will be able to talk in person with someone who cares about my story and will listen without judgment.

All Winners

The boys attend just the greatest school - that is why it was so difficult to transfer them and why I ultimately chose not to move in with Sam last winter. Having made the decision to stay here so the boys can finish high school, I'm resigned to that fact. I remember my therapist telling me there were pros and cons to moving or staying - that ultimately whatever decision I made would be the "right" one.

School has been back in session now for a week and the first home football game was tonight - last week was a practice scrimmage. My oldest had to get to school early this morning because there is a parade in the hallways for all home games. The band drum line leads all the varsity players around the school hallways at the start of school. How wonderful is that! I've never heard of another school doing that! Before every game too, they are fed a catered dinner!

Then tonight, at the game, the drum line leads the team out again in a long procession starting at the hill by the baseball fields and progressing down to the football field. You hear the drum cadence from a distance and I always get goose bumps! My son related that he had goosebumps being in the procession too! The drums get louder and the drummers and team then march through a huge, long tunnel made up of the rest of the band, the cheerleaders, dance team and JV players. The starting line-up is announced and the boys run through this giant banner - there are also plenty of giant flags being waved on the field, along with a dressed-up mascot.

My youngest son, who runs varsity cross country and isn't playing football got dressed up tonight to lend his support as a "superfan." The theme for this game was "rednecks." The students were dressed in flannel shirts, torn jeans, bandanas and straw hats. The kids in the stands put on their own show. As we all walked up the steps into the stands, they made an arch with their arms over us and cheered everyone in. Some of the boys were shirtless and covered with body paint. Their cheers and antics were almost as enjoyable as the game!

Whenever our team made a touchdown, two cheerleaders ran in front of the stands carrying a huge flag. They were followed by three of the "rednecks" carrying smaller flags. Everyone was pumped and in high spirits.

My son had a decent amount of playing time and made some plays - his name was announced over the loud speaker. He was also the defensive captain and relayed all the plays from the coach to the players. When I see him in that role, my chest swells. I was proud of both my boys tonight. And very happy that they are so popular with many friends. It is a consolation that despite all that has happened, they have thrived and flourished in school.

Tonight I just tried not to dwell on sitting alone and did my best to focus on why I was there - to support my terrific sons. The fall sports booklet was being sold by the boosters and I purchased one for $2.00. All the team photos are in the book and my oldest as a senior had his photo and name printed individually. Both of my boys are handsome and photogenic. They represent their school as leaders, each in his own way. And attending tonight's game I held my head up - all of us were winners tonight, not only the team.

Envy Update

I've been doing some online research on that dreaded topic, ENVY. This is what I've come up with so far.

- Envy is related to wanting something you don't have, whereas, jealousy has more to do with taking something that isn't yours or having to give up something.

- Envy is considered a very negative trait and that is why it is hard to openly discuss. People are very uncomfortable admitting feeling envious and those who do face criticism.

- But it is a very common and normal reaction in grief or otherwise.

- In relation to the "Stages of Grief," envy is tied in with anger, which is the second stage (although today, the order of the stages isn't considered as important and it is acknowledged that they can be mixed and matched, and returned to time and time again.)

- A grieving person tends to be envious when they feel they have been wronged through no fault of their own. They also tend to feel powerless in regard to turning their lives around.

- Interesting enough, a person usually is most envious of people they identify with and are similar to (in my case middle-aged, middle-class moms).

- Also, what is usually the object of the person's envy is that which the person holds most dear to them (in my case marriage and a husband/intact family).

- Although I came across numerous references to envy being a part of the grieving process, there were very few recommendations for how to work through the emotion - except strongly worded references saying how bad it is to be envious. Suggestions I did find are related below.

- You can't just tell a person to stop being envious. Doesn't work.

- What does work is for the person to fully experience the emotions behind the envy vs. stuffing the feelings or denying them. That means staying with the feelings when they take over and to try and understand where they are coming from and why.

- Once a person has an idea of why they are feeling envious and about what, ways to manage the envy include diverting your thoughts to another topic (changing the subject). Also, and this one made a lot of sense to me, when the feelings overtake you, to start thinking about your personal strengths, successes, etc.

There is another football game on Friday so I'll see how I feel sitting in the stands with my lonesome. It'll still be hard - I'm not expecting the envy to just go away. But I tell you I will be holding my head up and will not be down on myself for feeling envious for what I long for and so dearly miss and have been missing for many years now, simply because the cancer hands of fate took my husband away from me and my boys.

America's Got Talent

I continue this blog for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it is a way for me to grapple with and come to terms with my feelings. Sometimes I'm not clear about what I feel and setting out my quandries here, is a way to gain perspective. Secondly, this blog allows me to obtain the feedback of others and to interact with other interesting, intelligent people. There is a lot to be said for that. Maybe the most important reason for blogging is the hope that in my doing so, I increase or broaden the perspectives of others, be they widowed or not. This blog has kind of moved beyond the topic of grief to encompass adversity in general. I hope that in sharing my feelings, a greater understanding of what it is like to live under trying circumstances is reached. And one of my main goals is to illustrate the life of a person affected by multiple losses since that is not often discussed. Maybe in trying to deal with my life, I'll end up helping others in some, small way.

I've been giving a great deal of thought to the issue of unfairness of late. No doubt triggered by being around all the families at the baseball fields. We live in a town of higher than average income. For instance, I know of no one who has "lost" their home and had to move to an apartment. I know one family that has struggled to hang on to their home with the mortgage crisis with Countrywide and two who sold their mini mansions to move to smaller homes. So I do struggle with this issue because along with feeling alone and isolated because of widowhood and not having much of a support network, I also feel the stigma of being the only one to have lost my home. Now of course I know there have to be some folks in my community who have indeed lost their homes. But when you don't know of any, that is not much help or consolation.

I asked my girlfriend about all of this as it has been troubling me so. She agreed that the parents and families she knows have been pretty much spared hardship from the recession, etc. She attributes it to the fact that the circles we are involved with, or our kids are involved with, are simply made up of higher income people who can afford travel baseball. We're not around struggling people, therefore, we don't know of anyone dealing with severe crisis. And while I do know that people don't air their dirty laundry, it is not the same for a married mom of two to be caring for aging parents when she has a husband to lean on and rely on vs. my situation when I was involved in the same activity as a widowed mom of two young sons.

Part of my frustration could be labeled the "America's Got Talent" syndrome. I've never seen the show before this year - I guess last summer I was too busy packing up the house for our move. But the boys and I have watched it when we haven't been at baseball games. The whole concept of the show has really been bothering me. If you haven't seen it, it it a huge nationwide talent show in which adults and kids can pretty much compete with whatever talent they have. So you have singers, dancers and fire blazing magicians competing alongside others hand whistling and playing the harmonica. There are five year olds and 75 year olds! It is kind of a crazy, hodge podge mess!

What bothers me is that I don't think you can fairly judge apples to oranges. I want all the singers to be in their own competition and then even separated by those who compose their own songs vs. those who sing Fleetwood Mac. I want a junior vs. adult competition. I want the dancers to all perform in a sole dance show. How can you fairly compare a harmonica player with a hand whistler? Before this show I didn't even know hand whistling existed! Maybe the point is that you just can't compare such diverse people, talents, ages and acts. In the end, popularity and the performers who fit into the mainstream will be the ones who come out ahead.

Anyway, back to my own musing. I really get that EVERYONE our there is dealing with their own troubles. But what I struggle with is that all troubles are not created equal. Just as all talent isn't either. There are greater losses than others and some of us have had to face more than our share. That is my point. I won't dwell on it. But I did want to try and clarify my view on this topic.

So in the end what does this all mean for me? I guess I just want a bit of compassion expressed to those of us facing a significant amount of adversity. For others not to immediately jump in and chime "But everyone has problems." And I suppose I'm still trying to come up with helpful solutions to my own situation. How can those of us really struggling have an easier time of it? Where can we turn for more support? How can we learn to balance our problems with hope? For those of us with multiple losses, we're already tired and bogged down from having had to face numerous struggles. So it is a double whammy of dealing with loss and stress such as moving from a home, while facing adversity such as financial hardship. A mixture of grief, stress and anxiety all in one! No wonder the young woman who left home at 16 and was in foster care moved on in the AGT competition. Her story touched at the heartstrings of America even if she sang slightly offtune.

Turtle Peeking Out From The Safety Of Her Shell

The boys lost their second playoff baseball game on Monday night ending the season. Over the past few weeks I made a sincere effort to be more sociable at the games. I realized that although I said hello to parents, I sat away from the group and probably didn't appear too approachable. So, I sat on the stands and entered into the conversations going on around me. It was all pretty shallow in terms of topics but I found it enjoyable in the end. Some of the conversations were about the kids going on to college and I learned a bit about local colleges that may prove helpful to the boys. It was surprisingly nice and refreshing to have some time where I wasn't caught up in my worries and to hear about other people's pets, kids, jobs and household repairs. I even talked more with the very annoying mom and learned that she doesn't live in as upscale a neighborhood as the other parents and she talked about some defacing made to the fences in their area from gangs. They'd hoped to stay in their home for only a few years but now are unable to move.

Anyway, I had a very long conversation one morning with the coach's wife who I didn't know had lost her father when she was 12 and then her stepdad when she was 18. She talked about her mom struggling to provide for them and at one point working three jobs. She told me that she thought I'd done a wonderful job of raising the boys since their dad's death (we've know each other since that time but I'd never talked to her on such an intimate level).

As the high school football season approaches I'm taking on a new attitude. It's hard sitting alone in the stands but I'm going to try and look less unhappy/depressed. I'll try to smile more and say hello to the people I know. It is my oldest's senior year and I want to celebrate that with him. I'm proud of him being on the team and will try to focus on those feelings rather than those of being alone. And I'm looking forward to the dollar boxes of popcorn sold at the games!

I talked a lot about all of this with my girlfriend. She said I inspired her to be more cognizant of parents sitting alone at the games and to reach out/talk to them. So in a way all of this self-realization turned out to be of benefit to me (getting out of my shell more) and to my girlfriend (reaching out to others more).

Like/Same, Same/Like

The other day, quite out of the blue, I thought that if I were to get remarried now that I would have no one to invite to the wedding. It would only make sense to go to the court house because there wouldn't be any guests! The meaning of this thought was not about weddings or getting remarried. Rather, it was a harsh reality check about the friends I have lost since my divorce. At my wedding in 2006, I had 50 friends attend and 11 family members on my side. These were people I knew from being a school volunteer, my previous social services job and families from the travel baseball teams.

As I thought back to all of the people who have faded out of my life in recent years it struck me that my two remaining friends are my close girlfriends, both of whom are divorced. I have maintained no friendships with the married couples from my past.

This so upset me that I brought it up with my closest girlfriend. She admitted to having lost touch with some couples as well and attributes it to the fact that now our boys are in high school and no longer on travel baseball teams. They played travel 10 months out of the year and naturally the parents of the team built up connections since we were traveling long distances for our sons to play. Six months of the year we'd be at games every weekend together. But then high school came and it is a different dynamic with the school sports.

I understood this explanation but STILL. To have lost touch with so many people. To have such a small network of close friends when before it was abundant. This was troubling me.

Last night, I came across an article about divorced and widowed women and friendship. The article talked about how many women do lose their married friends after becoming single. Apparently, married folks are uncomfortable interacting with the newly single for a couple of reasons. First, there is the fear of contamination. I guess some people are afraid that by associating with a divorcee or widow, they could possibly end up in the same boat. There can also be a fear of the newly single woman making the moves on the married guys, so the married women do their best to keep their men safe and off-limits. I've heard this before but never really thought it that likely. But it was mentioned as a reason married women do not like associating with single women. Lastly, the article brought up that like attracts like. People want and feel more comfortable hanging out with their own. So, married folks seek out friendships with other marrieds and singles feel better with other singles.

Light bulb moment - so that explains why I've maintained the most contact with the two friends I have - they are both single in a town with very few singles. It all makes sense. But it doesn't make it that much better or easier.

The article suggested cultivating new friendships. This was followed by the comment of a single mom of a daughter who basically said, "I'm already fatigued working, parenting and keeping up the household on my own. And now I have to go out there and make new friends? Where is the time abailable to do this?"I soudly second this mom's frustration! And I guess make the point that again, widowhood and being divorced is an ongoing phase of life that doesn't end with the funeral or the signing of the divorce papers. The secondary grief losses including loss of friendships and support networks are huge! Here are depleted people in need of support, lacking friendship, dealing with the loss of relationships along with everything else on their plates being told to get back out there into the social scene. I want to laugh at the absurdity of this. Then I want to cry a little!

Real Survival Mode

In the past, when my husband was alive, baseball was the most important part of our lives. He and I coached our sons on two teams together. When we were out at a game, I'd look around with joy and happiness. My family was with me, my husband and I involved and active parents - our boys athletic and talented. There was always a game, usually a double-header or a tournament on Father's Day. And afterward, we'd stop at an inexpensive restaurant for dinner and the staff would ask the boys how they'd done. Usually, they'd proudly admit that the game had been won. But those days and feelings are in the past.

Today, my oldest was off at 6:30 a.m. for a volleyball tournament. While the youngest and I got ready to go to their baseball game, I realized that the oldest had driven off with all the baseball equipment in the van. There were a few panicked moments while we all clamored to figure out what to do. I would have driven out of my way to another town to get the baseball bag but my son was allowed to leave the volleyball tournament early since there was an excess of players.

So I got to see both the boys play baseball for the first time this year. My youngest is a stronger player and hit an outstanding triple that would have been a home run had there been a fence. He also had a pretty incredible double play while manning third, which got guys out at second and first. And made an amazing catch while in the left outfield. My oldest caught for much of the game and as I watched him jog out into the field could not stop thinking of how good looking and mature he is. Kind of a golden boy I thought as I saw him grin and make small talk with the coaches, players and umps.

I hoped my husband saw the game from above or maybe he was out on the field next to the boys. Maybe he ran with them as they headed for their bases. Maybe he leaped up beside my youngest when he made that great catch in left. I want to believe that he knows what fine young men his sons are despite the hardship they've faced.

We all bickered during the drive to the game. I took my little sedan to help save gas because the van seems to eat through it. I told the boys how tight we are until payday, the 29th for the nursing home check and the first for the pension. I recently had to pay over slightly over a $100.00 for the second payment due for the van's vehicle insurance and along with the end of the year school fees we are now flat broke. My oldest just kept telling me it is all my fault. The youngest chimed in from the back that is both our faults. I should not have allowed the oldest to play volleyball if we can't afford it and the oldest shouldn't pester me to give in. I didn't say anything to the oldest when he accused me of being at fault. What can I say? It is what it is. The bills caught up with me and overwhelmed me this month. The past few months there was too much due, the unexpected car repairs needed, the driver's ed fee owed for the youngest.

I was glad we all went to the game because afterward, the boys were worn out and pleased they had played so well. And I was a little more relaxed. I did my best to focus on the game and to try and not worry about finances. But I don't know how we're going to make it over a week without any money for food and gas. This is the lowest we've ever gone. Always before it has been tight but never this tight and for so long before pay day. I am scared out of my wits. I didn't like bickering with the boys in the car on the way to the game, but when you're facing financial stress as we are, the worry and upset has to come out in some way. I also don't like having to discuss financial matters with the boys but they are involved and I suppose they are old enough to know what is going on. I can't hide the fact that we are struggling as much as we are right now. Even with working, I couldn't make it this month.

I sat on the stands and listened to the inane conversation of the other moms - moms that no longer include me. Not that I care, really. We don't share much in common anymore. I listened to the one motor mouth mom talk about her trip this week to Disney in Florida with her parents and sister. Her sister is treating her, and her 14-year-old daughter to this vacation. She also blabbed about having just gotten a pedicure for her dog. So far this summer, no pedicure for me. And that means times are pretty tough because I usually get a pedicure no matter what for the summer. All married moms and I looked at their average, balding, husbands, some with pot bellies and felt those familiar waves of envy and sorrow at what my life has become. These women haven't experienced even a fraction of the hardship we've faced. And to have to be sitting on the same bleachers with them and listen to their petty concerns is almost too much to bear at times. I'll have to see if I can sit at a distance from them so I don't have to listen to their drivel the next time.

Then, a mom came up and the conversation shifted to the storms we've had the past few days. Some people in the area lost power for a day, as had this mom. She talked about having to clear out her freezer and made the comment, "You just go into survival mode at a time like that." I was incredulous. "Survival mode?" She was describing a relatively minor power outage as having to go into survival mode? She with her strong, gainfully employed husband safely at work bringing in a decent paycheck so she doesn't have to go out to work outside the home. She who has a lovely, historic home to reside in. I was tempted to tell her and the other moms what going into survival mode really is. It is what I will be facing the next week without enough money for gas or food for my sons. Already we are so sick of peanut butter and mac & cheese. I have no idea how I will figure out how to get gas for the week. I already talked to the boys about their needing to get rides from friends. That ladies, is what the real survival mode is for some of us. Those you pretend not to notice sitting next to you in the stands. I figure that $30.00 is probably what it would take to get through the week - enough money for gas and a few food essentials. Just $30.00! Not a great amount when you think about it. But here's a widowed mom who can't even scrape that up.

To survive the next week will be a true testament of my creativity and resilience. That is the real survival mode. Not the example given by this taken care of middle-aged mom, whom I'm sure has over $30.00 in her checking account and/or family and friends to come to her assistance if she needed it. Some of us believe it or not don't have $30.00 to our name or the means in which to get it even to feed our children.

A sad and bittersweet Father's Day as all these days during this period seem to be. As I sat watching the boys I was certainly sad to reflect on how low we have fallen since the death of the boy's Dad and my husband. I would say today is the lowest point in my six and a half years of widowhood. But at the same time, there was happiness and joy as I watched the boys play together.

Strength in Numbers

I ended up taking the boys and I out to eat at Steak and Shake for a Mother's Day meal out. I had some coupons and the boys got a burger, fries, salad and shake for $5.99 a meal. How can you beat that? After going, I realized how necessary it sometimes is for us to get out and do something even if it stretches the budget. The boys and I hadn't been out to eat in months and doing so was such a treat. It was so nice to sit at the booth and talk to the boys. Really have some conversations instead of quick and hurried snatches of comments and words during school pick-up and drop-offs.

My youngest brought up the information that one of his friends has parents getting divorced. He said that the mom is looking at our apartment complex as a potential place to move since they will be selling the house. Just knowing and hearing this was like receiving a gift! My son went on to say that his friend and her siblings were cleaning out the home of their father's possessions as their Mother's Day gift to their mom. Now I found that funny but also sad.

Anyway, the point to my bringing all of this up since it happened some weeks back is to to relate how just knowing another mom is in my shoes does a great deal to make me feel less isolated and alone in all of this. As I have mentioned in other posts, there aren't many families headed by single parents in this community, which happens to be one of the top 100 wealthiest towns and counties in the country. So it is a double-edged sword living here because of the high incomes of the intact families.

I felt very sorry for this woman that I know from my old PTA days and her children. It is not entirely the same set of circumstances since it is a divorce. But this family did live in the same neighborhood as we did and it will be an adjustment for all of them to move from a home into an apartment. Sometimes just knowing I am not the only one serves to give me a new lease on life. It often seems as though I am the only one since the widowhood gig is so isolating and the community I live in increase that sense of isolation. Hearing of another mom facing similar issues takes some of the sting out of the stigma and shame I carry around with me everyday. There can be strength in numbers, even very small ones.

More Being Real

This is a continuation of my previous post on being real and the view of society to get over our grief asap. Life coach Dr. John H. Shlare gave the advice that to get out of heartache we stop focusing on what we don't have and focus on what we do. Easier said than done. I get irritated at all the self-help suggestions that fail to give suggestions at the end. What should the grief-stricken focus on when their worlds have collapsed and their grief is centered on what has been lost and the missing loved one?

Case in point - yesterday I had to venture into our quaint and adorable little suburban enclave to drop items off at the resale shop. The local farmer's market was going on, the fountains were flowing, the pots of flowers blooming. Lovely and pretty as a picture to be sure. Now just insert all the cute young families going out to a leisurely breakfasts after Junior's little league game. Notice all the middle-aged couples shopping for fresh vegetables and wine at the market so they can prepare a special Saturday night dinner together which will be shared on the patio. Everywhere I looked were families and couples and no single, tired looking middle-aged moms like myself. It was depressing and disheartening.

We live in such a couple's dominated society. On Thursday nights I watch the new comedy "The Marriage Ref," which pokes fun at married people's squabbles. All the commercials are geared to couples. The gossip magazines follow the latest couplings of the stars. The message I've been receiving is that something is wrong with me because I'm not part of a twosome. I feel embarrassed in addition to the great loneliness. Often I tell people I'm a widow because it makes me feel less of a loser.

I'm supposed to feel happy and excited about being able to date and the freedom of singlehood. But I tell you, middle-aged dating is exhausting. I'm too tired to make much of an effort now. I've already put myself out there since my husband's death and I'm not sure I can do it again. Maybe if I were younger. I'm missing the drive and energy. All that being upbeat and smiling, putting on the happy face! Getting to know someone is kind of like a job and I already had put my time in with my marriage. I look at the matronly middle-aged women with their men at the farmer's market and wonder how they would handle being newly single and "out there." I am bitter and weary.

So with all that said, now lets turn it around and focus on what I do have! A life with two sometimes ornery and difficult teen boys, the youngest who can take his anger and frustrations over his Dad's death on me. I'm struggling financially doing the best to make ends meet just barely. I can focus on my health (although I think it is rapidly declining as the result of always feeling depressed, lonely and stressed). I do have a roof over my head. But quite honestly, those things don't come to the forefront of my mind when I'm in the swarm of suburban families and couples, all smiling and looking as though they should be on the cover of postcards with the heading: "This is happiness!"

It's all well and good to be advised to stop focusing on what I don't have. But a little challenging when what you don't have was taken from you without just cause. And all you can see around you is evidence of what you once had, what you once loved and valued.

I don't want to hear advice from people who aren't in my situation. Dr. Phil, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Dr. John Shlare should consult with a panel made up of people who have actually been widowed, as well as divorced. Get the advice straight from the horse's mouth. And please throw in some practical suggestions besides just telling me what to do. Those of us fighting grief sometimes don't know which direction to turn and we could use a push.

Time Doesn't Heal All Things

Thursday was the Senior Farewell band concert - a teary, emotional evening. There was some stress leading up to the night. My oldest had a detention after school for chewing gum in band class no less, along with a volleyball game - at least it was a home game. That meant I was in charge of making sure he had his band tux and volleyball uniform, along with a sack dinner since he wouldn't have time to come home. Turns out he forgot his dress-up shoes and I had to get them to him before the concert.

As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.

Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.

I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.

It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.

I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.

Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.

A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.

I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.

What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.

Grief Overload

In this blog I've tried to describe how it is to live in The Land of the Untouched (those whose lives have not been touched by much loss or grief) and The Land of the Married. In a nut shell, these past almost seven years, I've felt constantly judged and compared to those who live "normal" lives, married and with a spouse. I have struggled to keep up with all of this - continuing to volunteer at school events and to be a part of car pools. But I have reached the conclusion after my futile efforts that I can't keep up and I am so miserable trying to do so, it is just better to say "No" and not care if I'm judged negatively or not.

I'm always going to come in second place or fall short because the criteria used to rate me hasn't been adjusted. And that has been a big source of my frustration over the years. It would simply be easier and more fair for everyone involved to simply cut me some slack or give me a break. To acknowledge that my load is unfortunately different from that of intact families. But there has always seemed to be such a force to keep me at that same level of evaluation. Wouldn't it have been a kind and decent gesture on the middle school to have pardoned the boys' Saturday morning detentions for being late when it was their poor overburdened mom that was the real reason they had been dropped off a few minutes past the final bell?

Why has there been such a lack of sympathy and compassion expressed? Such forceful, mean-spirited adherence to the "laws" and "rules" without even consideration of their being slightly adjusted (even once as a favor?).

When my husband was in his final weeks of life, my boss, a master's level clinician in counseling, refused to give me time off to go to the hospital. I was so disgusted I pretty much told her I was quitting because I knew it was the end and I knew that I had to be with him. It was eye-opening to me that a woman of her intelligence and education, working in a humanitarian field besides was giving me such a hard time. Did she really believe that I would ask for precious time off to go off and spend my days at a hospital? Wouldn't it make sense that I'd only be doing so if it were an emergency?

Two years after my husband's death, my oldest son needed surgery to remove some cysts. The doctor tried to assure us that they were almost certainly not cancerous but there was that remote chance. My son was scared out of his mind because his father had died of an aggressive tumor. He pleaded with me, crying, "Mama, just get them out..." The kid had reached the point where all he was doing was digging into the cysts on his leg. He was not eating or concentrating at school. Then there was a snag with scheduling the surgery because it was around spring break. the doctor was leaving on vacation and wanted to do the surgery the Friday before break. But that meant I'd need to take a day off from my job.

I was working as a teacher's aide for children with autism at the time. And when I made my request for a personal day off, they refused it. I met with the school's principal and the head of administration to explain the situation - I'm a recently widowed mom, there isn't anyone who can be there with my son, because of his dad's death from a cancerous tumor my 12-year-old is becoming frantic, the doctor is going out of town for two weeks and I don't think I can delay the surgery...

None of this made any impact. I was told that I had to make a decision on the spot and if I chose to take the day off, I'd be demoted to a substitute aide. I should add, that they were being hard-nosed because I had taken days off throughout the year when my sons were home sick or to care for my father. I was not aware that there had been a problem or that they'd been tracking my days off. I pleaded with them that now that I knew, I would not take days off in the future but could they please grant me the one day off.

They wouldn't budge. The principal suggested I try and find someone to be there with my son. I replied that I felt I needed to be present in case of an emergency. She had also suggested that I just drop my son off for the surgery and leave him there on his own. To that I responded that I felt it could qualify as child abuse since my son was so young. She just shrugged her shoulders.

Well, you know the decision I made. I took my son to the surgery and I never returned to that job again. I started taking more care of my parents with my time off and shortly thereafter, met my second husband. Life went on.

But this same type of obstacle just keeps repeating itself over and over again. Thankfully, not to the extent of this example. But recently, when I started the new job and was so horribly sick and really taken to task for having to take three days off.

I've disclosed a lot about how disheartening it always is to live among the married, among their rules and guidelines. There has been such little regard, compassion or understanding for my role as an only parent. If I had I husband, we'd probably be able to double-up and come up with alternate workable solutions. Just no comprehension of the dilemma an only parent has to face.

It has been tiring to try and have to explain myself again and again to people who just don't get it and will never get it. It is like being stuck in a car in a snowbank, unable to get out. The wheels turn over and over endlessly but you stay in the same spot, not even moving an inch. You're stuck!

I've come to the conclusion that this is the way it is going to be for me until I am hopefully in the position of being remarried. Endlessly spinning my wheels. In the end, it doesn't matter. All my qualified and reasonable explanations go unheeded. Are they even heard?

I am growing weary and so despondent of this chronicle of my life. I think that when I started this blog I really believed that I would in some way be a catalyst for change. That my posting about my widowhood would provide me greater clarity and I'd be able to somehow transmit that out into the world. But that doesn't seem to be happening. I have the clarity and the introspection but the rest of the world hasn't made any progress.

I am finding that the more I blog about widowhood, hardship, grief and loss, the more I feel all the crappy stuff surrounding my circumstances. It is like I become enmeshed in the pain - it permeates me. Sometimes I reflect on the topics I want to post about for considerable time. In writing this blog, it is as though I think about my widowhood all the time. And I've reached the point where I have to take a break from it all.

Again, I reiterate that I don't see the world or its people doing much to change around me. Is it unreasonable to even request they do so? No, I don't think it is too much to ask for people to consider the circumstances surrounding your life - to have a bit of compassion and understanding. But I haven't seen much shift in that direction by the untouched and the married. So I am resigned to this now. Not happy about it but resigned. The issue has become that I don't want to continue to endure the level of pain that putting out this blog has resulted in. I already live with a bunch of pain on a daily basis. Does it make sense that blogging about it results in me feeling and experiencing it 10-fold? I hope I am explaining it so it somewhat makes sense.

I guess the bottom line is that I want to take a vacation from my grief/loss for awhile. It won't mean it will all go away. My scrambled egg life will continue with the hurdles of financial pressure, only parenting and the relentless efforts of trying to fit into a world ruled by couples and intact families. But I do think I've spent a considerable effort trying to get through the muddle of grief/loss that I've been saddled with. People take vacations to rest and recover after long periods of work. They return refreshed, revitalized with renewed energy and insight. I am hoping taking a break from blogging will accomplish that for me. I just want to stop thinking about it so intensely and processing so much. I've reached grief overload if there is such a thing.

Just Getting By

The boys (when they're home) and I watch the popular Fox show "Glee" about a high school glee club. This week's episode had as one of the plots, two widowed parents getting together and starting a relationship. One of the kids confronts his mom with his displeasure over this development. She holds her ground and is not going to let him sway her away from continuing her relationship. She responds with "We're just getting by" and goes on to say that she doesn't want a getting by life anymore.

The writer coming up with those lines deserves some praise for their insight. I totally got and can relate to this character's feelings - I knew exactly what she meant by "just getting by." In my opinion that is a very accurate description of widowhood.

Many times in the past I've heard from people who've said that I need to be strong and forge on by myself. There was a looking down on my desire to remarry and not live alone. I've often felt guilty and weak for admitting how much I hate widowhood because I prefer to be with someone and I don't like living alone or being alone. It is a getting by life and why would I want that when I could have a life that feels more complete, full and happy when I'm involved and living with a committed partner?

Never, not once did I ever even consider my life when I was married as getting by - that would have been a very foreign description to me. But it permeates my existence as a widow. It certainly suggests incompleteness and I think that is what people have probably meant when they've told me to make the best of life on my own. They mean that I shouldn't sell myself short or live in a cave because I'm not attached. I get that and it makes sense. But even hanging in there and being as strong as I can and facing life with courage doesn't take away the reality that we're just getting by. And I certainly want to live a life that for me feels more complete and less stressful, less strained financially and emotionally.

So while I give a heads up to the writer(s) of Glee for this good insight in regard to the land of the widowed I do take some points away for the recent barrage of t.v. commercials that have been airing that seem to only depict married, straight couples in them. All the Lowes commercials involve married couples shopping together. There is a phone ad for a husband shopping for an espresso maker to give to his wife as a gift. A shoe commercial where the shoes are alive and coupled together. The male shoe gets in trouble for his roving eye when a sexy, strapless number walks by. Sears appliance commercials involving marrieds as well. The list goes on and on.

Our society is caught up in the unreality of married couplehood considering 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And there is a significant percentage of extramarital affairs as well which really surprised me as I did not realize it was so high. So we're bombarded with all this about what is the ideal. Even though it is a false ideal, it still hits you when you're in the minority and partnerless. It is an insidious breakdown where for me I start to believe that there must be something fundamentally wrong with my being and character since I'm not strutting into Lowes, smiling to buy light bulbs with a husband!

But anyway, despite t.v. and corporate America's unrealistic view of society, most of us I would bet place a high value on marriage and it is what is portrayed as the ideal.

As for getting by, I'd say that is another way of life that isn't upheld as an ideal in our society. We're always striving for what is better. Having to settle isn't considered a good decision. And from personal experience I do agree in this situation. I've had a good respectful marriage and I've been alone now. I'll take being one of those people depicted in the Lowes' ads hands down compared with the struggling, tired looking widow on Glee. I hope things work out for the two Glee characters - they deserve to be the next smiling ones in an appliance ad.

Flowers

It was prom weekend for my oldest. A tough one for me because along with having to pay H & R Block, there were the expenses for tux rental, flowers, hair cut, gas, after prom party, etc. I was stressing a bit about that because the finances were really strained this month. But at the same time I wanted this to be special for my son so I couldn't freak out too much.

The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.

I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.

It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.

Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.

Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.

I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.

I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!

Unbound Ties

I used to have friends. There were my friends from work, grad school, my work with the PTA and a volunteer at the boys' school, the school where my husband taught, fellow parents on the teams my husband and I coached and from the other groups my husband and I participated in - he sang semi-professionally and I was a CASA (court appointed special advocate for abused and neglected kids). So I'd often go out to meetings, dinners or lunches with these various groups of people. And I very much enjoyed seeing my husband perform. There was plenty of healthy interaction among adults including the exchange of knowledge and ideas. I felt respected and valued in the world and that I was a contributor for the overall good of man.

After my husband's death it didn't take very long for these ties to sever. Immediately the connections I had with my husband's school and performing groups ended. Then as it became more and more time consuming to volunteer, I stopped doing so and lost those connections as well. My shortened free time was spent between parenting on my own, working part time and doing what I could for my parents (mainly my mom prior to her death).

I'm relating all this now in a way to prove to myself that I used to be a stimulating member of society - I had it once. But that circumstances ended up making it very difficult to maintain social interactions. And now I feel as though I really have so little in common with those I used to socialize with.

Sitting on the bleachers during games I overhear snippets of conversations. One that grabbed my attention was that of the volleyball team mom talking about her various trips/vacations the past few months. There was skiing in Colorado, Wisconsin and Michigan and then some place else too. Now I have only been to Michigan for a week's vacation in the past seven years. Hearing this woman talk made me feel sad as well as jealous.

Then there was the mom talking about the major stress she was feeling because of the remodeling going on with her home. "Let me tell you about stress," I wanted to say but I know it is all relative and relates to the experiences you are facing. Still...

After all this time I no longer look, see or perceive the world in the ways I did before widowhood. I am certainly not the same person by a long shot. A woman I had lunch with (chicken salad on croissants) at her home only a few years ago looked right through me when we passed one another at a recent band concert. Another "former" PTA and sports friend recently asked me where I had moved and since then hasn't spoken a word to me.

It is weird to participate in a world you used to be a full part of but now are there only on the fringes - almost like an observer looking in. I no longer feel that comfortable speaking up in conversations - what could I say to the woman whose family has been fortunate enough to get away four times since January? I no longer own a home so the woman stressed out with the workmen doing the remodeling wasn't much of a conversational draw for me. What could I contribute?

My oldest son was in a remedial math class with about 18 kids. He told me that all of his classmates were lower income kids. When I attended the school's open house I was the only parent visiting that classroom! When I first moved into this apartment complex I looked in the high school phone directory to see who lived here. With only one exception, all the families attending my sons' school are headed by single moms, myself included. I bring this up because I believe it is so hard to be an only or a single parent. There just isn't time to volunteer or sadly, to attend a school open house. And then those friendships become too challenging to maintain and you stop getting included anyway.

Friendships by the wayside - another casualty of widowhood.

No One To Talk To

A major albatross for me are the bleachers at the high school. Not exactly the bleachers but the people filling the stands and the representation of intact families and couples. I know this is a trigger for me and should come up with some method of reducing my anxiety when I attend school functions. But usually I am in such a hurry to get to and fro that it sneaks up on me - the onslaught of feelings and emotions that overcome me like they did when I went to my oldest's volleyball game on Thursday.

His team was playing my old high school so that was part of the problem. Now nostalgia from the past got added to the mix along with other memories from my childhood, not so good. Probably a loaded and charged situation.

My youngest was demonstrating some brotherly support by going with me to see his brother play since he was starting and doesn't always play. But after the teams were introduced and we stood for the flag, he told me that he wanted to leave to sit with friends. I pointed out to him that if he left me I would be the only person sitting alone in the bleachers. He scoffed at my comment, then looked around the gym. His eyes widened as he realized I was right. Yes, I would have been the only one by myself in a crowd of many if he hadn't ended up sitting with me for the game.

Now I suppose this is a minor hardship to deal with in the grand scheme of things. In fact, my youngest told me there was a way to deal with my discomfort by not going to these events. Although that of course is not a solution because I want to see my sons whenever they are participating in an event of any kind.

I think a major factor in all of this is the length of time that this has been going on. Six and a half long years of this! I'm tired and drained and the constant strain of this is taking its toll. The widowed have to deal with the actual death of their loved ones but then come the days, months and now years of continuing a life that becomes more stressful.

Every time I go to a game or concert my heart and soul are pulled on when I see numerous couples greet each other and show their support for their children or relatives. There is almost an indescribable wave of pain and longing that hits me at these things. I look around me with such jealousy that those sitting in that gym don't have to be assaulted with these invisible feelings that overtake me.

On Thursday night I am sad to say that I actually started shouting in my head, "I HATE YOU!" to the women and men I saw on the bleachers next to me. The better thing to say would have been "I hate the lives you seem to have that I don't right now" because of course I don't personally know any of them. Or maybe, "I hate what you represent and I hate the feelings that get stirred up when I see you."

Again as always, I am struck by how much it seems married folks take one another for granted. I wanted to get up and make a little speech along the lines of "How would you like to be forced back into the dating world where you're rejected on a constant basis for being and looking age 50?" Dating, now there is another fun topic for another post. Talk about being burdened and then on top of it all, rising to the occasion to take a chance on a relationship and having the courage and strength to face the potential of rejection. God it is hard and it just doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

My spirit is depleted. I am sure I look like a drained, harried, lonely, unhappy 50-year-old woman when I'm at these events.

Something that I kept thinking about was how you can really be extremely lonely even surrounded by a large group of people. If a picture was taken I wouldn't look alone in that crush of people. Seeing the couples talk to one another is what really got to me on Thursday. Seeing them greet each other. I have a huge need right now to talk to someone about my job and career future and that just doesn't happen in my life. These parents can chat on the drive home or over dinner. The ability to discuss current events, receive feedback and advice, to have someone observe that you look nice or even look tired. When none of that is happening in your life, it gets harder to keep up the game. At least for me. And maybe that is why I am letting some of the anger and frustration out as I did when I yelled inwardly at the opposing team's parents.

I'm not pleased with myself that I am releasing tension in this way. It is not the way I want to relate to the world. Shouting negatively (even within my head) will only result in negativity coming back to me in some way.

I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of having someone close to me, in which to share my life. Maybe if I had a family member to relate with this need would not be so apparent and necessary right now. But there is such a huge void that comes with sitting in the bleachers with no one to turn to to share the small moment of pleasure that comes with your son scoring a goal. On its own the event itself is not the issue - it is the build-up of many of these events and the lack of someone in my life who is interested and cares about them. And I could say that yes, I have a few friends who do care about me. But there is a need to share day-to-day life and occurrences. Well again, maybe not a necessary need but it sure is nice and makes life a lot more valuable and worth living.

After the game, back at home, my son told me his coach has informed him that he will be one of the two captains on next year's team. My heart swells with pride, yet at the same time I feel the tears because I'd like to be able to share that with someone who would take it seriously. One way of describing how I feel is that it is like that saying, "All dressed up with no where to go." I feel all this stuff both good and bad and it just sits inside me or churns around endlessly. Until finally there isn't any release but the toxic one of me blowing off steam in the form of glaring at people I don't even know and then thinking mean thoughts about them. I am also beginning to fear that I have lost some of my verbal communication skills - I have become a less effective communicator since I've been widowed. How's that for another price to pay for this shitty situation?

This is why I continue to feel I am becoming that dreaded bitter and angry widow I hoped I wouldn't become. But I see myself headed that way and despite my awareness of it I just don't seem to care much right now or have the strength/energy to fight it off.

Easter 2010

I had a bit of a downer this Easter. It seems with every "holiday" or special occasion that I feel in a funk. Maybe it was prompted by all the t.v. ads showing intact families frolicking around on hillsides covered with blooming spring flowers. Or the ones showing families out on shopping excursions buying their Easter outfits or racing around searching for hidden eggs. Anyway, I experienced those feelings of loss that come upon me during these times. Feeling incomplete and lonely. Feeling that our little family of three is lacking because of the huge hole that exists with our husband/dad no longer here to fill it and make us the family we once were.

These family portrayals on t.v. and in print advertisements depict the ideal or image of what a family unit is. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce there are many other versions of families out there - it would be nice to sometimes see these real families in ads. And part of me is angry for buying into this fantasy. For feeling bad because my family isn't the "ideal," whatever that is anyway. But I guess that is the whole point of advertising. It makes us want that ideal we don't have. But in my case, I could care less about the pretty shoes or clothes - I want the man and life we all once had - when we could have been that cute family holding hands and skipping down the street in our new spring outfits.

I used to go all out for the boys BW (Before Widowhood). They always received huge baskets filled with toys in addition to candy. This year I picked up a token acknowledgment of the day - they each got a package of Reese's Eggs, a crispy rice chocolate bunny and a cookies & cream bunny - grand total of about $3.50!

Again as with Valentine's Day, when I was out and about, all my eyes seemed to pick up on was families with both parents and kids together or couples. Funny how that seems to happen.

I surely did not expect to get hit with this on Easter. This is a celebration that has other meanings both religious and then spring renewal and all. But I guess underneath those major themes is that of getting together and celebrating as family be it with an egg hunt, church service or brunch out.

As with Valentine's Day, I am finding that once the day passed, my mood improved and I felt less pressure surrounding my heart and soul. We survived it for another year at least.

I do wish these days were not so painful. Everyday has its challenges for us. Everyday a sense of loss is present. But on major holidays/celebrations the ghosts that haunt us seem to be more intense. Which is really kind of a slap in the face because to some extent these events exist in our culture to serve as days to lift our spirits and give us breaks from the tedium of our lives.