Spring is Sprung

Today I had to go to the doctor so I could get a refill on my blood pressure medication. The office would not refill my prescription without a visit. I was not happy about the $20.00 co-pay. Gosh, finances are so tight that a mere 20 bucks having to be spent is cause alone for my blood pressure to rise!

I noticed these blooming flowers driving into the medical complex parking lot and vowed to snap a photo on my way out. Here the past two weeks we have been having a strange heat wave. Today it hit 87 degrees and everything is blooming a good month or two ahead of schedule. None of us have ever seen such an early spring. In fact, up until this year, there has never even been a day hitting 70 in March and we have now had a week of them.

It was good I had to see the doctor because my blood pressure continues to be high and cause for concern. So I got a new prescription. Considering that high blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run in my family this is probably a prudent measure. The doctor does not believe my exercising more or trying to lose weight will have much of an impact but I am vowing to try to improve more in these areas. Even though my sons are older, I still need to be around for them as long as I can. I need to make more of an effort taking care of myself and being healthy mentally and emotionally. The doctor does believe that stress is a factor along with my genetics.

I wonder if I weren't widowed would I not be dealing with this issue? I know for sure that I wouldn't be experiencing this level of stress in my life, nor would I have had the amount of stress I've experienced since my husband's death. Higher stress and widowhood might be correlated for some of us.

Anyway, despite the gloomy prognosis, I tried to see a bit of beauty in the day and to pay attention to it. For me, these pretty red blooms did the trick.

Waiting Out the Days

In just six months, my youngest will be on the campus of his college for Freshman Orientation Week! Wow! When I look ahead to that milestone, I can see that time is rolling forward to our new beginning. Yet all the same, time seems to be progressing so dreadfully slowly.

You would think that after everything, these last few months would be a breeze to get through. But I am finding that not the case. It is getting harder for me to wait out these final days. My girlfriend, a teacher, agrees with me on this. She says the hardest weeks for her to get through are the four-day ones, when they should be easier.

As usual, am feeling the winter blues when the "greyness" of winter makes me want to scream! But I am so grateful that essentially this has been a very mild winter season, certainly the most mild that I recall in the past 10 years. Bad PMS again this week. I need to anticipate this better and realize that my low mood and motivation come at this time of the month. Once it passes, I am like a new person, again ready to take on the world.

Why do we so often feel the need to beat ourselves up for being human? This was a weekend where I had plans to be more productive but just wasn't. I am often alone at home with my youngest out and about doing all the social activities Senior high schoolers are involved with. It is a bit depressing for me as I contemplate the life changes being a widowed-empty-nester will bring. My energy level is so sapped I only read, clean, cook, organize or knit halfheartedly. But really, is this so bad? So I spend a couple days moping about in pjs doing not much of anything. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, this little rest will be restoring in and of itself.

Tomorrow I will try to get out for a walk. Celebrity Apprentice starts, which my son and I will eagerly watch together. I will put more effort into my actions knowing that the work week starts anew and luckily, my hours are being increased at my request. That might help with keeping me preoccupied and active as I wait out these final days of winter and those leading up to my move and new life. Right now I am in a holding pattern. I've put off looking at communities to move to until it is Spring but I think once I am actively involved in the process it will help with the passing of time. This is a limbo period, yet my soul is itching to get going and I want it all now. Enough waiting! Yet somehow when we were little we all made it through the long agony of waiting for Santa to arrive. And even as an adult I have made it through months of anticipation and waiting - for my weddings, college graduations, the birth of my sons.

Only those times I wasn't on my own. I had caring partners by my side to help distract me and support me emotionally. It seems that the days are longer, waiting out the days now as a widow.

Vday 2012

Vday text from son at college:

""Happy vday mom! Love you! Thanks for bein an awesome mom and pushin my ass to get me where I am today! Sent you somethin in the mail you should get it in a few days! Xoxo"

Being Served

My close girlfriend, a divorced mom, got upset with the guy she is seeing. He is not working right now and complained about their "arrangement" of dining out every week. They have had an agreement where they alternate between paying but he indicated that even every other week for him is sometimes too hard to manage financially.

So my girlfriend decided to "model"an alternate date idea, which was picking up a frozen pizza and a movie rental. But then she also discussed with me, her real disappointment over this entire situation. As she put it, her strong desire for going out to eat weekly comes from her need to be served. To have someone wait on her, provide some doting, be the recipient of attention.

I understand this all too well. Living alone, being alone, raising children alone - there isn't a whole lot of "being served" in that equation. As single or only parents, there is the necessity of looking out for others and over time, that becomes draining. Especially because we don't live in an environment that provides for an equal balance of nurturing and being nurtured.

There is something wonderful and restoring about being pampered and looked after. Even just for a dinner. To have the opportunity to let go of the reins and hand them off to someone else who assures you that you are in their able and competent hands - so you can breathe a sigh of relief and relax a little.

Buying little treats for oneself is nice, but it doesn't take the place of having someone look out for you and your interests.

I think my girlfriend needs to have a heart-to-heart with her guyfriend about how she feels in regard to wanting to be served. And instead of "modeling," she can make verbal suggestions for date ideas in lieu of eating out so much. But I do understand where she is coming from. Many years ago I knew of a church that sponsored weekly dinners for single moms and their children. These dinners were free and involved china, cloth napkins and most importantly of all, the opportunity for the women to be waited on and served. Before the dinners, the moms would meet for an hour-long group meeting to vent and share parenting ideas while the kids met for their own session, which also included games and socializing with other kids from single families.

I don't know if this group still meets and I wish I had had a chance to attend some of those dinners. It is a wonderful idea and one that I won't forget. I hope that if I am ever in a capacity to work or volunteer with single/only parents, that I can suggest and perhaps implement this concept. In the meantime I'll talk with my girlfriend more about this. And I'll remember that being served doesn't just mean being waited on when going out to dine. It can mean anything from having someone remember you unexpectedly or having someone assist you when you're in a jam. My girlfriend's guy is very much a handyman and has been fixing a lot of my friend's broken household fixtures. Surely his repairing her doorbell and clothes dryer warrants a glass of wine over a pizza popped into the oven. I know in my book it would.

Transitions

A Little Tooth

By Thomas Lux

Your baby grows a tooth, then two,

and four, and five, then she wants some meat

directly from the bone. It's all

over: she'll learn some words, she'll fall

in love with cretins, dolts, a sweet

talker on his way to jail. And you,

your wife, get old, flyblown, and rue

nothing. You did, you loved, your feet

are sore. It's dusk. Your daughter's tall.

My son's poetry teacher handed out this poem on curriculum night and I fell in love with it. But I also laughed out loud reading the title, because I have been having nightmares about losing my teeth and thought a poem about teeth was kind of an eerie coincidence. I told the teacher how much I liked it because it described so succinctly, the passage of time and a child growing up - so appropriate to be handing out to the parents of seniors on their way to graduation and college. Wow! The power of words to convey meaning and emotion. It is why I blog and read as much as I can. And it is why I am trying to "talk" less and listen more.

I am struck by the beauty of poetry as an art form - I've kind of lost sight of that in recent years. How many of us really read much after we are out of school? I am inspired to try and read more poetry and fill my life with more art and beauty.

I love the description here, "flyblown," although the definition means tainted or spoiled. Also, the the words "rue nothing," or having no regrets.

Poems speak to us because we can identify with the words and connect to their meaning. Maybe this poem speaks to me so strongly because of the last two lines. If I change the "you" to "I," I can certainly say that I too, rue nothing and that I did, I loved, and my feet are sore, in fact very, very sore right now.

Curriculum Night

Attended my last high school curriculum night last week. Most parents of seniors don't go and even my son was surprised I was going. But I felt it was only appropriate to do so as it marks the end of a long, enduring journey.

During the night as I toured my son's last semester's classes and met his teachers, I heard over and over how special the high school, community, parents and students are and how honored the teachers and principal feel to be a part of the school. I've been hearing the same thing every curriculum night for the past five years. And indeed, I truly believe as well, that our community and the high school are unusually rare, special and valuable. It is the reason I have stayed in the community - so my sons would be able to remain members of this special place despite their dad's death - and that they would complete their entire pre-college education here.

Attending the night confirmed for me that the decisions I've made to stay here were the right ones for our family. Many years ago, when the boys were just starting school and a few years before my husband became ill, we considered moving to a more rural community. In fact, we were going to bid on two houses but offers had already been made on them. At that point, we made the decision to stay put, despite our longing for the rural life because of the great school system in our community. Just a year later my husband was diagnosed and I remember feeling grateful that we hadn't moved. If we had, I would still be a newcomer in the community and my parents would not have been able to watch my sons when I went to the hospital for months on end. I wound up thinking that fate had intervened and made it impossible for us to get one of the houses we wanted. That we weren't meant to move at that time because of my husband's impending illness.

So staying here was for my sons but it also became kind of a promise to my husband to stay the course and make it for the sake of our sons because it was what we had both determined was the best learning environment for them.

I did it! We all made it! This IS a special community and my sons were privileged to live here through college. I will never regret my efforts to focus on keeping them in this school district. This educational foundation will set the tone and pattern for the rest of their lives.

Over the weekend, I ran into a mom who was once a closer friend. My oldest son was in Kindergarten with her youngest son. Her family even attended my second wedding and the boys had a garage band together in middle school. Her family has moved into a rental after losing their home so we talked a bit about that and I told her about my desire to move. Then I asked her about her son. He is not in college, worked a seasonal job at Target but is not employed now although he has a few band gigs. Her daughter, a few years older, works at a retail store but isn't in college.

Now I know kids bloom at different points and that college is not for everyone. But I called my oldest son immediately after chatting with this woman to tell him that I am proud of him and to thank him for being in college and doing so well. Then I came home and thanked my younger son for doing so well in school and told him I am proud of his plans for college. Perhaps my two sons represent the truest sign that the sacrifices made to remain in this community were worth it.

A lot of times on life's journey, we choose a path and hope for the best. And sometimes we don't get the satisfaction of knowing that a certain course was the best or right one for a long time. It is not to say that had we moved, my sons would have turned out to be delinquents. But after a parental death, there is so much turmoil, and fear of the unknown, it seemed only logical for me to remain in the community for the social and educational stability it offered my sons. Coming to the end of this phase and seeing that the results are so positive make it easier for me to leave this area with a lighter heart and more hope for the future. It is hard to move in the middle of a chapter and that is probably why I have been so resistant to relocate before. But now I truly have reached the end of a book with a very satisfying conclusion to the plot. And I can move on with a clear conscience, my head held up high and pride besides.

Think Spring!

It is hard to not long for Spring when we keep having plentiful days of above 30 degree weather. What a blessing this Winter has been compared to those of past years. There has only been limited snow and cold. I have come to dislike the Winter months because of the added burdens they bring to an only parent or one living alone without a full-grown adult in the household. These months of dark and cold are usually accompanied by mild depression as well.

It has been easier for me to just keep plugging/plodding away the past few weeks - to aim toward getting through what I consider the harshest month, January. I don't want to air my feelings of worry or anxiety. What good does that do except for the initial venting? So it is not to say that all is hunky dory in my neck of the woods (remember that old figure of speech?). But that I'm not out of the woods yet.

The number one thing I have determined that will bring some ease into my life is being free to move from this area to one of more affordability. And I can't do that just yet, so for now it is continuing to hang in there.

I remain focused on supporting my younger son through his final semester of high school. My plans to attend grad school for career updating have to be put on hold for a few more months. I wasn't aware of how costly it is to apply for grad school and get transcripts sent from the five colleges I attended. But that is okay. The focus here is finishing what I was bound and determined to do - enable both boys to graduate from their hometown high school and get admitted into decent colleges of their choice.

In just a few months, I will get back to the college application process for myself but I still have to work on the financial aid stuff for my sons and that takes priority right now. If this results in my having to start school a semester later than planned, I'll just take a bit of time off for myself, which isn't such a bad idea in the first place.

My regular nightmare (both asleep and awake) is a fear of losing my teeth. I've just come across an interpretation of that dream. It is closely tied with our basic, most primal needs for survival and the nightmare comes out when we are extremely stressed and fearful. The fact that I have this nightmare frequently reminds me that despite the month of January being a bit more mild, my life is still stressful. I think for many widows, a stressed life is pretty much the norm. And maybe when you stop and think about it, most of us lead stressed out lives, widowed or not. But of course, there are additional challenges faced by widows on top of everything else.

My oldest son sent me a text today saying that he had a good idea for a tattoo for me. I sent him a text back, curious as to what his idea was. He replied that I should get either the image of a Superwoman or just the word Superwoman. He then related that he had just written his fourth English paper of the semester and wrote it about me. As he said, "I called you Superwoman in my paper since you had to do so much stuff for us, so I think it would be a pretty appropriate tattoo haha."

It will be interesting to read his paper, which I asked him to email me. In the meantime, I'll stay the course and imagine myself, Superwoman cape and all, emerging with a flourish into the sunny Spring!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

My emotions were stirred up taking my oldest to the train station for his trip back to college for second semester. One semester, his first, already completed successfully! How quickly it went. Now he has started the new term, and for my youngest, it is his final semester of high school! Woo hoo!

If we could get through the first semester, then it makes sense that this second one will be gotten through too.

I decided to not drive my son back to school when his roommate called him mid-week to inquire when we'd be leaving. Another buddy also called with the same question. I asked my son how these boys would be getting back to school if I didn't drive. My son replied that they'd take the train. I felt somewhat upset that these young men were assuming I would be driving them all when they come from two-parent homes and can well afford the $70.00 gas price it would cost for the trip. I thought about the 8 long hours on the road, 4 on my own, in the cold January night. If the two-parent families weren't driving their sons back, heck no would I be driving them all back myself! It felt good to assert myself and put my widow foot down.

This start of second semester is a very significant moment for us as a family. It represents the final hurdle in the long and trying journey of an only parent focusing on getting her kids out of high school and onto their college careers. This is the turn in the road my eyes have been on the past 8 years. It means I can finally move to a more affordable location because I won't have to stay in this upper-middle-class suburb where my sons have been raised and where I wanted them to see their educations completed, pre-school through high school.

It is almost seen through! Almost over! Almost time for me to have an opportunity to go back to school for career updating; to not be so stressed about money (paying the rent); to maybe have the time and energy to devote to establishing new friendships; to maybe being able to take a weekend trip somewhere. Yippee! I can almost feel and taste my new life and all the good stuff lying ahead. How I wish we didn't have this final semester to go. I'd love to just be able to jump over, like a game piece, the next few months... But if I envision the next few months as a game board, then I can visualize each day completed as a step closer to May. Way back in August, I started the game and now am halfway there. The end of this chapter is in sight.

Widow in Transition

I saw these holiday snowflakes hung up at Home Depot and want to learn how to make them. So cute! That will be my fun resolution for January 2012.

Survived the holidays 2011. A better Christmas for us than seasons past. The boys had gifts from me but in the future I'd like to be able to get them more. Our little homemade tree ended up bringing me a whole lot of happiness throughout the month. Although I wished I could have purchased some decorating items, when all is said and done, my homemade decorations stole the show.

We spent Christmas at my girlfriend's as we have since my husband's death and her divorce. She has broadened her guest list to include other divorced women. I cooked some side dishes and cherry quick bread. And enjoyed the opportunity to have more than one alcoholic drink since my sons can drive. Back to work on Monday and this made me reflect on how widowhood is a lot like the day after the holidays. I felt a bit tired and wanted to have some time to relax and reflect. Many people were off on Monday. But I was scheduled to work. Going into work Monday morning felt like widowhood - not being able to have a break and some time off - being forced to be back at it again and again. Anyway, that is sometimes how widowhood feels to me. This relentless going on and on without a chance to get off the merry-go-round and regain my balance.

I heard someone else recently describe widowhood as having the rug pulled out from under you with the rug representing how your life was. You're left standing or down on the ground without the foundation that used to be supporting you having to either get up or regain your footing and then continue waking/living.

My sons are more kind than I. They believe that most people who haven't experienced widowhood simply can't comprehend what it is like to have the rug pulled out from under you. They forgive the people who say stupid or unfeeling things. I, on the other hand, am less forgiving. But I have come to believe that unless you have lived this life, it isn't possible to fully explain to others what widowhood is really like.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to try and explain to the world what widowhood and only parenthood is like. But in my time of blogging, I'm not sure that it has been too successful a goal. I also have started to worry that my focusing on widowhood brings me more sorrow and pain than I'd be feeling if I weren't blogging on this topic. Face it, I'm a widow and my life will have issues in it related to that status. Dwelling endlessly on what I can't change brings me more misery than I want to be feeling right now. So I am looking forward to the new year where I will place less emphasis on me as widowed and more on being a widow in transition - moving on in my life, despite widowhood to devote more time and attention to myself and my own needs.

This has all been coming down since last spring and my oldest son's graduation from college. Did I already brag that he has a 3.7 GPA his first college semester? And in May my youngest will be graduating and gearing up to start his college career. Right now, I need to be focusing on moving and creating my new life because next August I will be a widow empty-nester. Talk about emotions flying around the upcoming months! But I am also very excited because moving will allow me to live in a more affordable community and to go back to school to update my defunct Master's degree. Hopefully, a year of study will be all that I need to launch myself back into the professional sphere of social services and that will be huge in my life - to feel useful and productive in the work force again.

So as I contemplate all of this I am debating the start of a totally new blog, though I will not delete this one. It would begin Jan. 1st. It is hard for me to say goodbye to things because one gets used to them, but I am now seeing the benefits of beginning new projects, of moving to new locations, or starting over with a clean slate and all that. But whether I post under a new blog or keep this one because it is simpler, in 2012 I resolve to be more positive and to identify less as a widow and more as a woman finally able to move into a new, exciting and hopeful future.

The First Day of Christmas

In an effort to "delight" in the joy of this holiday season, I am challenging myself to create 12 crocheted or knitted tree ornaments for each of the first 12 days of December from my yarn stash. So today, I have 12 crocheted stars as a start. I've already been working on this so have gotten a head start. Anyway, it is my hope that this handiwork will keep my mind and hands occupied. It is our fourth Christmas of living under reduced circumstances and boy am I tired of it. There is no extra money left for discretionary spending and come the holidays it is another burden for an only mom's heart to bear. Next year will be better when I've moved to more affordable housing but next year is still next year and there is still this year to get through.

I'll do my best to put up a tree and have a few gifts for the boys. Somehow we'll manage. But I have to say that I'm not into the holidays this year. The decorations and lights aren't doing much to lift my spirits. I drove through our pretty, quaint, historical downtown last night and noticed that the city reduced the number of lampposts and trees they decorated. Yet I also noticed some houses had two trees inside them. I think back to my years before widowhood when I was gun ho into the holidays. One year I had four trees in my home - one in the family room, the living room, the master bedroom and a small one in the kitchen! Our house had a big picture window in the front and when I put a tree in the master bedroom window, which was over the picture window, it looked like one giant tree.

There have to be people out there who are celebrating very simply this year. But I don't hear of anyone or know anyone. I wish there were more stories or articles out there with advice on coping with the holidays under reduced circumstances. I heard that the average American will be spending about $700.00 on gifts this year. Wow! Maybe someone can interview me, the mom spending $70.00!

As tough as it is, getting through this one last difficult Christmas, I don't want to be all gloomy and doomy about it, It is what it is. Just like my widowhood situation. I'm a widow. Money is tight. Life is challenging. There are times that I don't think I can take it anymore. But all in all, December lasts just one month. And the first day of the month is already over. Only 30 more to go!

My Time

"It's Your Time" the J. Jill catalog stated and the words resonated with me. I am on the eve of a transition from widowed-only-parent-mom to that of an empty-nester-widowed-only-parent-mom. Next year both of my boys will be at college and I'll really be alone in the home except for breaks and summers. At Thanksgiving, someone asked me how I was gearing up for this - it was nice that someone did so, because most people don't consider how this event will impact a widowed mom who hasn't remarried and isn't living with anyone else. And one who has devoted pretty much her entire focus around the boys and their high school educations.

I think with transitions that there is a multitude of feelings churning around. I am happy for the additional time I will be able devote to myself and my own interests (finally) but also scared of the the unknown. A transition period is one that is still being worked and figured out. The time both boys will be gone is still a bit off into the future so I'm still in the "planning" period. As such, there are still plenty of loose ends to plan and prepare for.

My youngest son received his fourth college acceptance so we're now 4 for 5. He doesn't care whether he gets into the fifth college or not, but it would be nice to put another acceptance on the fridge! I took my oldest back to his college on Sunday. I did feel burdened and tired by the responsibility of the long trip - eight hours of driving and in the dark which I don't relish. In the dorm parking lot I was overcome with love and pride watching a father parked next to us hug his son goodbye. Yes, I was alone and tired and still had the trip to make back on my own but there was something "higher" and "bigger" involved in the experience than my own feelings.

Before I left (after a cheap meal at Ponderosa with coupons), I asked my son to give me a demonstration of his piano playing abilities since he just started lessons in August (a requirement as a music major). He took me to the dorm's piano practice room and apologized that he couldn't play on one of the grand pianos in the music building. Then he played two pieces he had composed - one, was a cute little concerto but the second was a melody so profound and moving I sat at the little table behind my son and just wept! I asked him to play it again and then wept some more!

I asked my son to play the piece for his professor but he shrugged his shoulders and said she doesn't have time and pretty much discounted how good I found it. The music was a gift before I left for the long drive home. Somehow I felt there was a message in that melody for me. Despite the hardships of being a poor widow raising these boys on my own, they've both made it to college. One is an outstanding and talented musician and the other a creative graphic designer starting college as an integrated marketing/communications major. They've turned out ok despite everything. And now I've got to believe and hold on hope that this next step will turn out ok too. Gosh, anything will be better financially than it is currently!

I have found transitions tough to face on my own. It WAS easier when I was married handling those blips and bumps in the road. My husband and I discussed life issues and provided one another with emotional support. All of that is lost with widowhood. So this empty-nest transition is different for someone like me vs. a married woman. How I wished I had a driving partner by my side for the four plus hours on the road back. But like that music my son composed and played for me, I have to acknowledge my own feelings but also recognize that there is a greater force that exists beyond my own being. And that, has been very hard to realize for me as a widow. I have found that widowhood has made me focus very much inward and stay there maybe too long. Just another quirk of the widowed life...

This next step will involve becoming less focused inward, and moving toward more outside involvement!

Black Thursday

This year some stores will be open on Thanksgiving. What in the world needs to be purchased at Michael's craft store that couldn't wait until Black Friday? Really, someone is going to leave their family and the holiday celebration to go out to a Michael's? And what about the employees who have to work that shift?

I see the madness of consumerism and get depressed. It is hard to be an observer when you can't be a participant. I watch the t.v. commercials and everyone in them is smiling and happy. Now I know that they are actors in commercials but a part of me starts feeling bad because I don't look like these happy moms in the commercials gearing up to hit the Target 2-day sale.

Now what would really inspire me and actually make me happy would be a realistic portrayal of a real single/only mom worried about getting her kids a few Christmas gifts and how to pay the electric bill at the same time. It would portray a normal looking woman hunched over a kitchen table flipping through her pile of bills and looking forlornly at her checkbook...

Oh, and can there please be a ban on those Lexus commercials where people actually get a $50,000 vehicle for their Christmas gift! I know I should just laugh at the ridiculousness of these ads but they still make me sad...

Defined by Widowhood

Tomorrow I will pick up my oldest from college for Thanksgiving break. He is scheduled to work the entire week starting Sat. a.m. and will only have Thanksgiving Day off. He has done very well away at school so far. And he calls or texts me before every test he takes, then follows up with his grade. He has also sought my advice about classes to take next term, and dropping the business frat he joined. I'm not sure he and I would be as close as we are if his father was still alive. I do believe my sons and I share a very close familial relationship based on the fact that the boys were so young when their dad became sick.

My youngest son has just been accepted into his #1 college choice, the one I attended for my undergraduate years. So he received three acceptances out of five applications submitted but at this point the other two don't matter. I am so happy and pleased for him. Excited too! A bit sad that his dad isn't here to share in the news. I had to tell someone, and texted my sister and brother, since their kids are actively involved in the college search right now. But sharing with them just wasn't the same.

Our lives have been defined by widowhood. Even years after, I feel a pang at what has been lost. My sons and I have different relationships than what might have been if they'd had a dad to confide in. To say we have not been defined or influenced by my husband's death would not be true. We became different people, all of us because of our lives changing when my husband died.

Sometimes I have come across widows strongly exclaiming that they would not be defined by their widowhood. I think they mean that they don't want to be held down by widowhood, that they want to rise above it. But I don't think it is accurate to say that they aren't defined by widowhood. Because we end up being defined by all our experiences, and widowhood has a major impact, no doubt about that.

Tonight a blogger from the UK who first inspired me to start blogging posted an update after a year's absence. She said that she is considering starting a new blog because her one on widowhood doesn't seem to represent her life right now. I, too, have been contemplating the same thing. I'd like to keep blogging because I enjoy it and it allows me to gain perspective and clarity. But I don't feel the need to focus so much on widowhood anymore. I'd much rather be focusing on my new and future life, and where I'm headed. Here I have one son successfully having started college and another on the verge of starting his own college career. And I will be moving soon and hopefully starting a new degree/career in social work. I am a widow in transition. I am still a widow. But I really want to place more emphasis on what I'm becoming besides being a widow. And maybe that is what those other widows meant when they determined that they didn't want to be defined by widowhood.

Long-term Widowhood

This is a wreath I made my girlfriend some years back. It was on her door when I went by last Saturday night. We have a standing ritual that after every "school-parent-activity," such as taking Homecoming Dance photos, we either go out for wine or stay in with snacks and wine.

September is gone. Wow! Fast and furious. I was out of the loop most of the month - under the weather with this terrible chest cold thing. It wasn't until this weekend that I'm feeling more myself. And the cough is still lingering... Then there were still those problems posting my posts, so I kind of gave up blogging and took the month off in a way. Still went to work, tended to my son at home and so on. But was pretty lackluster and unmotivated. No walks in my little forest preserve, no knitting. Only wanting to rest, I would just lie on the bed and think.

This past month I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting. I've come to the conclusion that I'm very, very worn down, physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I would say some it is long-term widowhood and solo parenting. I'm just bushed and tired of this life.

When I was at the photo shoot for Homecoming and in the middle of all the married couples and intact families last week, a part of me called out that I don't want this solo life any longer. Yet coming off my recent bout of illness, I truly lack the motivation or seem to have the energy to move toward a new tomorrow.

I obviously have to start making strides toward getting a new job and advancing my career options. I am not going to die with a defunct Master's Degree working as a crummy chain restaurant hostess. Lying in bed, I concluded that what is actually worse for my self-esteem is not that I'm not married, but that I am not working as a professional. That fact eats at me every day.

I took the Soaring Spirits sponsored survey on widowhood over the summer. I thought it was important for there to be a view from a longer-term widow, which is how I would describe myself 8 years out. One of the questions was something like, "What would you most like the public to know about widowhood?" I can't remember the choices except that mine was that widowhood is extremely difficult. It is not some romp through life. Eight years out having parented two sons going on 10 years, and I am truly wiped out. I've blogged about this before - the fatigue and exhaustion of widowhood. Because it is not only physical but also such a mental drain. Doing everything on one's own, always making the decisions, figuring out the problems, sleeping alone, trying to recover from being under the weather without someone soothing you with a cup of hot tea or warm bowl of soup. Getting it yourself just isn't the same kind of TLC.

My energy levels are just kaput, but I think that I need to start moving in the direction or creating a new life for myself, even if I'm only taking baby steps. I think I need to get back into the mental health field and am contemplating social work and in particular working in a hospital or nursing home setting. Yesterday, I forced myself to take a walk in my little hidden forest - 30 minutes. I'm focusing on eating healthy this month and not stressing out too much.

In summary and conclusion, long-term widowhood for me has been very draining. But then the reality of the matter is that even when you're so depleted and on the ground, you've got to muster up that strength and energy to pull yourself back up again. And I think that for some of us, that is the true nature of widowhood. Falling and always having to pick oneself back up. No wonder I am so drained and depleted. My battery seems to have really worn out.

Strength and Reslove

Tonight was the last Fall Curriculum Night I'll have to attend on my own. Mixed feelings but far more positive than negative. I really needed a shot of motivation to help me get through this next year because in a way, I've already checked out. But hearing my son's teachers praise the students and talk about how much they love teaching inspired me to put my nose to the grindstone and just get through this next year. I owe it to my son. I know it is hard for those outside our community to understand how special the boys' high school is but it is the ONE reason I've remained in this town.

Over and over tonight, I heard the teachers state how wonderful their school is, and the principal always mentions this every time she addresses the parents. The teachers all spoke of how fortunate they are to be able to teach at the school, and to have such top notch students and involved parents.

After getting my oldest off to college, I was feeling somewhat down and dreading having to get through one more year in this town. I am so ready to leave and move to a more affordable and rural location. Finances are very precarious for us right now and I am so very, very tired of struggling to barely make ends meet. That aspect of my life is just exhausting. But I have to keep my eyes and focus on the bigger picture. When all is said and done, later in my life, I hope the financial struggles will be a faint memory but that the memory of my sons attending and graduating from such a fine high school will be one of which I am most proud. Proud that I stuck out hardship to give my sons a solid education leading to college. Proud that they flourished and were popular students, especially after the losses in their lives. This school has been a beacon of stability and strength in our lives when that has been so lacking otherwise.

I have no doubt that the next months will be tough on my bank account and nerves. When times get really low I need to remember tonight. And the pride I felt for our little family, making it through hardship and focusing on quality education. My finances WILL eventually improve. What I've given my sons has been priceless and worth it.

My son's science teacher warned the parents (all of senior students) that the kids can't check out yet. College applications haven't been submitted - it isn't safe to slack off now. I thought that some of us parents are feeling the same way as our seniors right now so maybe my son and I can both motivate each other throughout this final year.

One teacher commented that life goes by so quickly. Senior year will be gone in a blink of an eye and to remind our students to enjoy this final year. In some ways I fear the year will go too slowly since we are struggling financially. I do hope it will be a fast year. As hard as it may get, I have to remember to enjoy these final seasons in a town I once so loved. But gosh, I am so ready to be out of here!!!

I was far less focused on being by myself tonight and tried not to look at all all the couples surrounding me. One mother asked a teacher if her kid could get extra credit since both she and her husband were attending. Lucky kid, I thought to myself to have both parents but a pretty stupid request from a silly woman. Then I thought that extra credit should be given to every kid at the school who had an only parent attend. Wish I had had the nerve to make my request like silly, married woman did.

Awards & Validation

My sons are transitioning well into college and the senior year of high school.

My oldest is considering joining a business fraternity that offers internships to all its members. He claims that the members last year all got jobs within 3 months of graduation. He is doing well socially, but I knew that would be one of his strengths. When he auditioned for admittance into the music dept., the head of the music college was there, and was so impressed he invited my son out to lunch off campus for an opportunity to get to know him.

There was a period of a week and a half, when my son wanted to drop a class he didn't feel he'd do well in and his adviser was against the request. But that has been worked out within the time deadline and my son is much happier with his new class. It was a good exercise for him to have to stand up for himself and go after what he knew in his heart was the right decision. And to accomplish that on his own.

My youngest, went through a few tough days himself at the start of the year when all of his teachers kept making references to his older brother. But he has received a few "awards" of his own. His graphic arts teacher told him that he is one of the top two, if not top graphic artist in the school. As such, he was drafted to design the cover for the Fall Band Festival Program, the Homecoming Tickets and the Fall Play Posters. He has been working on the band design first since it is due on Tuesday and I have to say that the design and format are pretty incredible. I couldn't do what he does creatively and then with the computer. Good for him to finally get some recognition in an area his brother is not a star.

I feel sad at times that the boys' dad isn't here to experience the talents and awards of his sons. When I tell people, the few in my life I do talk to about my sons there isn't the sense of pride and warmth that would come from a parent experiencing the successes of one of their own. When my husband was alive it was enough to share the successes, talents and accomplishments of our boys with each other. With him gone, I find that I make and effort to tell someone the good news about my sons simply because I have to share it with someone. But oftentimes, the end result is one of disappointment because quite simply, no one can love your kids more than you do. They may nod and smile and say "that's nice," but it is somewhat rote and superficial. Just another "loss" to tick off on my list - for my sons and for me. And one that is taken for granted by those married or if not, still with a co-parent in which to share and bask in the joy that comes from having decent and pretty good kids. And I suppose I should add, that most kids are pretty good and decent. And most talented in something. So I do think that most parents share these moments together at certain points in their kids' lives - the soccer goals scored, the academic recognition, the band or orchestra solos...

Parents can get off on bragging about their offspring to each other. I sometimes fear that I may come across as a braggart or overly involved with my sons because when I talk to people I do mention the successes of my kids. But it's not like I'm going to dwell on what isn't going well for them (which thankfully has never been that much). Still, you know how there is always that PTA mom out there that has to brag about how her kids are in the gifted program (real example from my past). When she spreads it on thick it can get annoying. I spread it on because if I don't, I just might burst - I have to not because I'm overly singing my sons' praises. I think that when our kids do well, we can feel validated that we've also done something well. And boy of boy, do widows need to feel and hear that praise.

Realignment

When I dropped my son off at his dorm, they had a Route 66 decoration theme that I thought was very clever and cute. To me it is representative of these freshman students taking off on a road leading them to a new future. All summer long, we prepared for this adventure. I heard some of my friends complain that their kids were acting out by being defiant and rude. I struggled with my son being out til 2 a.m. hanging out with his friends. But otherwise he was a good kid all summer. Working hard at his job and playing baseball on a college league in his spare time which wasn't much. When I brought up how some of his friends were acting out, he scoffed and replied that our family didn't need him to be creating such drama - we'd already seen our share and we wouldn't put us through anymore.

I read in a book about parenting teens headed off to college, that the summer before departure is one of realigning relationships within the family. They also talked about this during our orientation at the college saying that kids act up to create distance between their families, which then makes it easier for them to leave.

One point in the book that I found especially interesting stressed that for single parents, this transition is especially difficult because of the multiple roles a single parent plays. Whenever I encounter a point like this I feel so validated. Someone out there understands how hard it is to be an only parent like I am. I am not crazy feeling so tired, drained, exhausted and frustrated after years of raising my sons on my own. Yes, there is a great part of me that is so proud of how successful my sons are turning out. But it is often trumped by those other feelings which seem to overpower the good.

In my opinion, based on personal experience and my training in psychology, widowhood is far more complicated than people expect or acknowledge. There are so many conflicting layers such as this one: a parent taking on multiple roles. Most people don't stop and think of the complications. They just make comparisons based on other parents. It is rare to come across anyone who makes the distinction between a two-parent unit and a single or only parent one. I just find it an added burden to always be compared to the status quo when I'm so far from it. And I continue to wish that more people were aware of the issues facing only parents. I'm not sure any great changes would come of it. But simply for the public to have some more awareness of what only parent families face, may garner some sympathy and compassion for them in the future. And maybe that would be enough of a change to be helpful for others traveling this road that will follow me with younger children to raise.

Harvest Time

I passed these bursting berries on a tree and thought that they were a good representation of my sons being launched off into the world. Here it is harvest time and all of nature's bounty is ready to be harvested after the growing season and nourishment of Mother Earth. I guess I see myself as this tree, caring for and helping these berries grow until they reach their potential. The tree has done its job, as have I. One boy is off to college, the other leaving in a year for his college years.

As an only parent, mothering two fatherless sons for almost 10 years now (counting the two my husband was mostly hospitalized), I know that I have pretty much devoted my entire being and focus to raising these young men. It has really taken a lot out of me. Would I do it all over again? Without a doubt but I know first hand the challenges and hardships facing only parents and how much better a situation it is for all involved when two parents are actively raising a family vs. only one.

I am somewhat at odds with my life at this point. Realizing now for the first time how much I need to create a new life for myself because once this year is over, my primary job and focus will no longer exist as I have known and lived it for a decade. I have no hubby to distract me or plan trips with or retire with - I have no career to fall back on. My sons have been my everything and now I'm about to set them free into their first years of young adulthood.

What I am saying is that I need to get a life for myself pretty darn quick! I have a year. I am sure people could point out that the world is my oyster right now and I can dream to accomplish anything. But I don't think it is so easy sometimes. I'm very tired and drained from the past 10 years; I don't have a hubby to support my efforts to go back to school, move or get updated job training. My circle of friends has diminished to a very small circle indeed so at this point the world seems very immense and the oyster seems very, very minute in comparison.

BOO!

Caught these costumed mice in my grocery store's floral dept. the other day and noted that Halloween is still over three months away! I love seeing how early I'll spot holiday items months before the actual date. But anyway, my youngest son mentioned that I haven't been blogging much and that is true of late. It is a strange and disorientating summer. I suppose a lot has to do with my oldest going off to college. They talked about family transitions at the college orientation and maybe for us/me it is even more of one.

I know that in the weeks leading up to my son's graduation I was journeying into a funky mood. It has not abated. The best I can do to describe it is to explain that for many, many years now my entire focus and energy has been on getting my sons out of high school successfully, and from this specific high school at that. Now that that day has come for my oldest with the youngest to follow next year, it is as though I have abruptly lost that focus. I feel at loose ends, without direction and unsure of my immediate future.

I do know that I cannot remain living in this area on my own. I don't make enough to live comfortably and just keeping our heads above water has become too wearing on my being and soul. The traffic and large population of our area is also getting to me. I long for a rural place, more quiet and slower paced. I have no idea what career direction I'll take. I want to work for 20 more years but have not done well figuring out how I can harness an out-dated master's degree in psychology into a position that will be personally rewarding to me and helpful to the world and others. I guess I can try and focus on that after my oldest goes off to college and I have more free time.

There is this huge part of me that just wants me to be gone from this place, right now, immediately! But I have promised to be here for my youngest, who already feels slighted by the successes of his older brother. I owe him that and I will honor that commitment. How can one year seem so endless in duration?

Part of me is just so darned tired too. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. The past eight years of only parenting have been very stressful and have taken a toll. I am lacking in spirit and energy. The excessive heat and endless storms we keep having here doesn't help.

People in the past have told me that I've been so strong. That is not true. I just did the best I could under sometimes pretty tough circumstances. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That is still happening now but I must say it is more of a rote/automatic process and I seem to have lost something. I had a goal I was working very hard toward (getting my sons through school) and now that I have almost fully accomplished that I am left hanging... Living alone, without a partner adds to the mix. There is no one here to divert my thoughts or to refocus on.

I have come to know that transitions are hard on us all. But maybe for widows they're a little harder to face and move through.

Transition

It is that time of year where the weather is scorching but Fall merchandise starts appearing in stores. There is something about this incongruity that really bothers me but in a way it serves to remind us that this too will pass and eventually the heat index won't be 105 degrees.

Now if I just weren't the only person in my household refilling the ice cube tray!