The light bulb has gone off in my head that the past couple years of self-flogging, berating, beating up on and blaming myself for the divorce are pointless and futile. I have certainly suffered, well beyond the realm of what could be considered normal or appropriate. Enough is enough! All I am really guilty of is wanting to be in another relationship that made me whole again after my husband's death. I had the courage to take a chance at love again. It sadly didn't last. I am not the first woman, nor the last who will become widowed or divorced and then get back out there on the horse only to be thrown off it.
All this wasted energy of taking the sole blame for the divorce. Believing it was all my fault. Even when as a counselor I know that it is never because of one person - it is always a mix of how a couple interacted. One partner may want to believe it was all because of the other but their behavior, values and shortcomings had a role in the story too.
So much of all of this internalized anger against myself is coming to the surface. I am sure it would not have simmered and brewed so long if Husband #2 and I had had more opportunities to talk. But his cutting me off from doing so was a way to insulate himself from accepting any responsibility for what happened. It allowed him to make a clean break and go back to his neat and tidy life without any regard for what happened to the little family he threw away.
As we continued to plunge to the ground financially and in having to sell the house, my beliefs that I was a terrible person seemed justified. This has been a damaging and awful mindset to have. It has been there underneath the surface invisible to others but always at work tearing me down and making me miserable despite the outer image I present to the world.
As do many people who have been abandoned/dumped, I put Husband #2 on some sort of pedestal. Believing to some extent that if I didn't rock the boat and reveal my true feelings that he would come back to me. I also struggle with issues of childhood neglect and so a part of all of this has included internalized fantasies of having the one most closest to me who wounded me, recognize the error of his ways, do a complete about face and return to my life to rescue, save and protect me. How can that ever materialize when the guy is unable to have a healthy emotional connection with his partner in the first place, much less be able to communicate on an intimate and honest level?
I would like to relate to Husband #2 that what hurt me most was that his refusal to speak with me, offer explanations of why he divorced me and even say goodbye to me or the boys made me feel like I was inhuman. That has cut me to the core and damaged me beyond measure. People who are kind and nice do not disrespect those they married (or anyone for that matter). My divorce attorney and the mediator did not justify his behavior but they explained it by saying a lot of people become very mean-spirited and ugly during divorce proceedings. I don't find that an acceptable excuse. As someone who stood loyally by her husband's side until he took his last breath after three long years of fighting a horrendous illness, this behavior will never make sense. All of us deserve compassion and dignity. He knew what I had gone through before he married me. No one put a gun to his head at the alter. If you want a divorce in this country you can get one. He was going to get that - there was no reason to rub salt into wounds already raw, ragged and bleeding.
I'd like to hope that people undergoing life transitions learn, grow and develop into better people than they were before the trials met them. But that isn't accomplished by closing the door to self-reflection and communication. It is very difficult to look at a situation and accept your responsibility within it. God knows, I am not lily white. But I do know that I did not intentionally try to cause harm and pain to others. Most of my errors were those of omission. I didn't realize some of the problems because I was too busy beating down the flames of the fires that had to be put out. Nor did Husband #2 ever really communicate to me the deep level of his discontented feelings.
It wasn't all my fault. I am not a terrible, undeserving person because this marriage failed. I wanted to work at it and wasn't given a chance. I hadn't given up on the love I felt. To be sure, this marriage set me back emotionally. In the end, it brought me all the way back to my childhood 45 years earlier. Who would ever have thought that on that gorgeous evening Husband #2 and I took our vows? Both of our childhood baggage has been at play within our relationship. I deeply regret that it wasn't possible for both of us to cling to one another throughout the storm and make it to the other side. That is what a marriage is all about. It would have been a glorious moment when both of us had stepped out from storm into the sunshine hand and hand together, instead of me doing so on my own.
Showing posts with label life moving on after divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life moving on after divorce. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Guess Love is Not Enough
I picked up my possessions from my ex-husband's house yesterday and had an opportunity to briefly speak with him. We probably talked about 20 minutes - I could have used an hour. So much is still left unsaid. But I did get to convey a few of my sentiments and that is very important to me.
This is a terribly difficult and strange ending because it is apparent we still have strong feelings for one another. My ex-husband disclosed that he could not handle the financial strain of running two households and threw in the towel. He also admitted difficulties with my two teens (the problems in coming in as a stepdad to raise two boys who have been fatherless for some time). He told me that love is not enough. I guess I always thought it was - and if you had love, everything else could be worked out in the end. In my mind there were more positives than negatives with our marriage.
That we left one another with a hug and kiss means more to me than anything. I feel a small bit of healing and hope in regard to moving forward. There was so much anger between us combined with the total lack of communication. I would have been completely devastated if that had been how we said our final goodbye (silent and angry). I wish this wasn't the ending that has been written for this story. It is like coming to the last chapter of a book that I want to keep going. It is over, finished but I don't want it to be. Now I have to wait for the sequel or pick up a new book to start reading. This one is written and complete.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to say goodbye.
2. That my ex did not refuse to talk to me and he even let me in the house!
3. For the love my ex and I shared.
4. For everything my ex did for me to assist us financially.
5. For the man my ex is (both good qualities and those more challenging - I am grateful to have known him as he is).
This is a terribly difficult and strange ending because it is apparent we still have strong feelings for one another. My ex-husband disclosed that he could not handle the financial strain of running two households and threw in the towel. He also admitted difficulties with my two teens (the problems in coming in as a stepdad to raise two boys who have been fatherless for some time). He told me that love is not enough. I guess I always thought it was - and if you had love, everything else could be worked out in the end. In my mind there were more positives than negatives with our marriage.
That we left one another with a hug and kiss means more to me than anything. I feel a small bit of healing and hope in regard to moving forward. There was so much anger between us combined with the total lack of communication. I would have been completely devastated if that had been how we said our final goodbye (silent and angry). I wish this wasn't the ending that has been written for this story. It is like coming to the last chapter of a book that I want to keep going. It is over, finished but I don't want it to be. Now I have to wait for the sequel or pick up a new book to start reading. This one is written and complete.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to say goodbye.
2. That my ex did not refuse to talk to me and he even let me in the house!
3. For the love my ex and I shared.
4. For everything my ex did for me to assist us financially.
5. For the man my ex is (both good qualities and those more challenging - I am grateful to have known him as he is).
Friday, April 17, 2009
Divorce Grief
I am going to have to devote a few more posts to the end of my marriage because it is where I am and I need to process, vent and tell my story in order to move on. A few days ago, my nice guyfriend gave me the typical response we hear so much while grieving - "Get over your ex-husband and move on." What is so frustrating about these words is that the person saying them never offers any wisdom as to exactly how we're supposed to "get over it." Do people really think that we can just turn on some sort of switch inside us and stop thinking about our losses whether they result from death, divorce or some other hardship?
If there had been any kind of pill I could have taken to have avoided the last nine months of pain that I've endured, let me tell you, I would have been the first one to take it (maybe even before FDA approval). Working through the grief of my failed marriage has been excruciatingly tough and brutal. Perhaps for me, some of the difficulty has been because the divorce followed so closely behind the death of my husband and then my Mom. I'm not even sure how much I'd successfully grieved those losses before the marriage blew up.
Each loss is different and has to be grieved in its own way. Each person is so unique with an equally unique life history. For that reason, those grieving often find themselves facing other losses from the past, that have resurfaced because they remain unresolved. My friend and all the others who tell us to move on as quickly as possible mean well, but it is not the answer. The only way to the other side is to stand in the face of the storm and reflect on all those painful emotions and NOT just put them on a shelf to deal with sometime later.
So that is what I am going to try to do now with the next couple of posts - devote some time for thought and reflection regarding my divorce (it is hard to even type that word). I hope that in doing so, it will help me get to the other side. Where that other side is and what it exactly looks like, I'm not sure yet. But anything that is less painful than this will be better!
If there had been any kind of pill I could have taken to have avoided the last nine months of pain that I've endured, let me tell you, I would have been the first one to take it (maybe even before FDA approval). Working through the grief of my failed marriage has been excruciatingly tough and brutal. Perhaps for me, some of the difficulty has been because the divorce followed so closely behind the death of my husband and then my Mom. I'm not even sure how much I'd successfully grieved those losses before the marriage blew up.
Each loss is different and has to be grieved in its own way. Each person is so unique with an equally unique life history. For that reason, those grieving often find themselves facing other losses from the past, that have resurfaced because they remain unresolved. My friend and all the others who tell us to move on as quickly as possible mean well, but it is not the answer. The only way to the other side is to stand in the face of the storm and reflect on all those painful emotions and NOT just put them on a shelf to deal with sometime later.
So that is what I am going to try to do now with the next couple of posts - devote some time for thought and reflection regarding my divorce (it is hard to even type that word). I hope that in doing so, it will help me get to the other side. Where that other side is and what it exactly looks like, I'm not sure yet. But anything that is less painful than this will be better!
End all Endings with Love
I recently read about a concept that just blew me away - it is the intention to end all things with love. No further explanation is needed - just end a phone call with love; end an argument with love; say goodnight or goodbye with love and so on. This totally resonates with me because it is how I am consciously trying to live my life and since my husband's death, I have been well aware of the need for all of us to focus on love. Love diffuses bitterness, anger, resentment and hate. Anger in particular has no where to go if it is met by love.
I am thinking of all of this as I make plans to retrieve my possessions from the house of my ex-husband on Sunday. I had a girlfriend call him to finalize the details and she reported that he is just so angry with me. Furious might be a better word. He told her I will not be allowed into his home and if I do not show up on time, he is not going to wait. He made a couple more unkind comments. This is just so hard for me to deal with. I can't understand the extent of his fury and resentment. My attorney commented that he is going to punish me to the very end. The way I see it, he has gotten the divorce he wanted and in the process destroyed me financially. What more does he want?
I was divorced without any formal explanation as to his reasons why; he refused to speak with me throughout the proceedings; he did not say goodbye to me or the boys; he failed to uphold the agreement we had made regarding my move to his state (I was going to move on 7/23/08 after the boy's summer baseball season ended, but he told me on 7/7 that he was divorcing me); he told me this over the phone, long-distance and then hung up on me; he lied about other things; he was not supportive during my Mom's illness and death as well as when my home was struck by a tornado and I had to clean out her large home after she died; he divorced me knowing I didn't have a job and hadn't looked for one in 10 years (he also knew we really only had the money to survive through the end of July on our own). The worst of it all is that as a result of this divorce I will probably lose my home.
I also feel pretty betrayed because I made a huge sacrifice in marrying my husband, one that I did not take lightly. He suffers from Retarded/Delayed Ejaculation and has NEVER had an orgasm (in any way) with any woman (and it was even difficult for him to have one with himself). But I accepted that aspect of our sex life and was willing to live with it. If I put on my counselor hat I would say that maybe much of his anger is really at himself or a way for him to feel masculine and powerful because of his sexual issues (which are emotional in nature, not physical). Since I'm on a roll here and this is my only outlet for venting about this, he also did not date in H.S. or college, was a virgin until age 25 and had been in fewer than 5 relationships. He went long periods (5 or more years) without even one date (or sex). What is that saying about not marrying a man who has never been married by the time he is 50? Maybe some people are just not cut out to be married. I wish he had realized that before taking me on the roller coaster ride that became our marriage.
And one last thing - did I mention that his nickname (behind his back) at work is Prick? I'm serious! How people treat others is a pretty good indication of how you'll be treated. I begged for marriage counseling - he adamantly refused. What bothers me the most is his inability to look at his own issues as being contributors to the problems of the marriage. He has presented his version of the situation to his friends and family and no one has heard mine. This post is my opportunity to do that even though it will not reach those who should hear it.
Yet despite all this I've tried to focus over the last nine months on the love I've felt for this man. And on Sunday I will do my best to end this marriage with love. Who knows if he'll make an appearance personally or talk to me if he does. But regardless if he is present or hiding in his house, I will be thinking of, focusing on and sending out feelings of love. There isn't any other way, although it is far easier to lash out hatefully and unkindly. I will not do that.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I am able to end this marriage with love (although that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt beyond words and that my heart is still broken).
2. That I met a man with whom I can now have a realistic, mature, mutually satisfying and whole relationship with.
3. That this man has treated me with love and respect every step of the way and has patiently helped me heal from the loss of my second marriage.
4. That I feel ready to close the door on this chapter of my life and move forward into the future.
5. That I've tried to become a better person by working through my issues (unlike my ex).
I am thinking of all of this as I make plans to retrieve my possessions from the house of my ex-husband on Sunday. I had a girlfriend call him to finalize the details and she reported that he is just so angry with me. Furious might be a better word. He told her I will not be allowed into his home and if I do not show up on time, he is not going to wait. He made a couple more unkind comments. This is just so hard for me to deal with. I can't understand the extent of his fury and resentment. My attorney commented that he is going to punish me to the very end. The way I see it, he has gotten the divorce he wanted and in the process destroyed me financially. What more does he want?
I was divorced without any formal explanation as to his reasons why; he refused to speak with me throughout the proceedings; he did not say goodbye to me or the boys; he failed to uphold the agreement we had made regarding my move to his state (I was going to move on 7/23/08 after the boy's summer baseball season ended, but he told me on 7/7 that he was divorcing me); he told me this over the phone, long-distance and then hung up on me; he lied about other things; he was not supportive during my Mom's illness and death as well as when my home was struck by a tornado and I had to clean out her large home after she died; he divorced me knowing I didn't have a job and hadn't looked for one in 10 years (he also knew we really only had the money to survive through the end of July on our own). The worst of it all is that as a result of this divorce I will probably lose my home.
I also feel pretty betrayed because I made a huge sacrifice in marrying my husband, one that I did not take lightly. He suffers from Retarded/Delayed Ejaculation and has NEVER had an orgasm (in any way) with any woman (and it was even difficult for him to have one with himself). But I accepted that aspect of our sex life and was willing to live with it. If I put on my counselor hat I would say that maybe much of his anger is really at himself or a way for him to feel masculine and powerful because of his sexual issues (which are emotional in nature, not physical). Since I'm on a roll here and this is my only outlet for venting about this, he also did not date in H.S. or college, was a virgin until age 25 and had been in fewer than 5 relationships. He went long periods (5 or more years) without even one date (or sex). What is that saying about not marrying a man who has never been married by the time he is 50? Maybe some people are just not cut out to be married. I wish he had realized that before taking me on the roller coaster ride that became our marriage.
And one last thing - did I mention that his nickname (behind his back) at work is Prick? I'm serious! How people treat others is a pretty good indication of how you'll be treated. I begged for marriage counseling - he adamantly refused. What bothers me the most is his inability to look at his own issues as being contributors to the problems of the marriage. He has presented his version of the situation to his friends and family and no one has heard mine. This post is my opportunity to do that even though it will not reach those who should hear it.
Yet despite all this I've tried to focus over the last nine months on the love I've felt for this man. And on Sunday I will do my best to end this marriage with love. Who knows if he'll make an appearance personally or talk to me if he does. But regardless if he is present or hiding in his house, I will be thinking of, focusing on and sending out feelings of love. There isn't any other way, although it is far easier to lash out hatefully and unkindly. I will not do that.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I am able to end this marriage with love (although that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt beyond words and that my heart is still broken).
2. That I met a man with whom I can now have a realistic, mature, mutually satisfying and whole relationship with.
3. That this man has treated me with love and respect every step of the way and has patiently helped me heal from the loss of my second marriage.
4. That I feel ready to close the door on this chapter of my life and move forward into the future.
5. That I've tried to become a better person by working through my issues (unlike my ex).
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Love Knows No Limits
Yesterday I saw the You Tube Video of "A Lion Called Christian," which I was not aware of. I was very moved by the clip which shows a grown lion rehabilitated and then released into the wild lovingly recognize his two former owners who had rescued him as a cub and cared for him until he became too big. At the end of the clip, the words "Love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime" appeared along with the message to reconnect with an old friend.
Watching this little video I was so struck by the amazing power of love which never ceases to amaze me. I also thought a lot about Husband #2 and his ultimate lack of commitment and love for me. I am still struggling in that arena. When you have truly loved someone it is not so easy to forget. I am resolved to move on toward happiness because he certainly is out of my life and I do not want my future to be grief-filled or sad. As hard as it is I am trying to continue to look forward and not back. I believe that it is never too late for "happily ever after."
I just finished reading the book by Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) "Here's the Story" and found it to be a really inspiring read. Her husband stood by her side through thick and thin and really supported her as she battled numerous issues. Again, I thought about how Husband #2 was not able to be there for me and how our marriage never even had the opportunity to get off the ground.
Last week as I was driving around on my own, my thoughts were on Husband #2 (how grateful will I be the day I don't think about him) and I realized that because I truly loved him I need to get over the vengeful thoughts I've contemplated for getting even. Some part of me finally got that when you love someone you don't wish them any harm no matter what pain they have caused you. Again it all just comes back to the meaning and power of love.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I actually saw a bug flying around yesterday when it was warmer - poor thing now because the temperature dropped 40 degrees!
2. That although it is cold again for a few days, at least the sun is out and it is not snowing or raining.
3. For inspiring video clips like "A Lion Called Christian" that seem to come out just when we all need to see them.
Watching this little video I was so struck by the amazing power of love which never ceases to amaze me. I also thought a lot about Husband #2 and his ultimate lack of commitment and love for me. I am still struggling in that arena. When you have truly loved someone it is not so easy to forget. I am resolved to move on toward happiness because he certainly is out of my life and I do not want my future to be grief-filled or sad. As hard as it is I am trying to continue to look forward and not back. I believe that it is never too late for "happily ever after."
I just finished reading the book by Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) "Here's the Story" and found it to be a really inspiring read. Her husband stood by her side through thick and thin and really supported her as she battled numerous issues. Again, I thought about how Husband #2 was not able to be there for me and how our marriage never even had the opportunity to get off the ground.
Last week as I was driving around on my own, my thoughts were on Husband #2 (how grateful will I be the day I don't think about him) and I realized that because I truly loved him I need to get over the vengeful thoughts I've contemplated for getting even. Some part of me finally got that when you love someone you don't wish them any harm no matter what pain they have caused you. Again it all just comes back to the meaning and power of love.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I actually saw a bug flying around yesterday when it was warmer - poor thing now because the temperature dropped 40 degrees!
2. That although it is cold again for a few days, at least the sun is out and it is not snowing or raining.
3. For inspiring video clips like "A Lion Called Christian" that seem to come out just when we all need to see them.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Better Person or More of a Fool?
Unlike Husband #2, whom apparently can just dismiss thoughts of me and go on with his life as though we never existed, I am finding that not the case with me. I still have thoughts of him and our marriage. I still have regrets and feel pain and am hurt. I wish there were some kind of pill I could take that would wipe out all traces of him from my memory. Especially, since I believe that he acted in incredibly cruel and callous ways throughout our marriage. I mean this guy is just not worth even my thoughts at this point. So, that leaves me with the question of whether I am a better person because I have feelings and am dealing with the rejection or am I just more of a fool?
Today I have an appointment with my grief/life transition counselor. I started working with her December, 2007 and have greatly cut back on my weekly appointments for financial reasons. So, I really need to make the most of my approximate hour with her today and one of the topics I most need to discuss is what I have just written about - how to stop that constant loop in my head devoted to an unworthy man and replace it with more productive energy. Easier said than done. At this point I need to focus on strategies that help propel me forward.
In regard to my question of whether or not I am a better person or more of a fool, I wonder if thoughts are thoughts - we have them - and that to some extent they are what they are and are therefore not foolish or wasteful. They are there for a reason right now and can't be wished away. About being a better person - perhaps it is not a question of being better but more of being capable and willing to face life challenges instead of hiding from them as Husband #2 does. What is most sad to me is that by his not being willing to talk to me at all about the divorce, both of us missed opportunities to grow, to become more insightful and ultimately better people. I would say that I am trying to come to terms with all of this on my own and with guidance from therapy, so ultimately the biggest loser in that regard is Husband #2. I do believe that I will eventually reach some sort of resolution and closure to all of this but he will not because of his inability and refusal to examine any of it. And that truly is what I find most sad at this juncture.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the chance and opportunity to face another day.
2. For my ability to be insightful.
3. For having the strength to face reality.
Today I have an appointment with my grief/life transition counselor. I started working with her December, 2007 and have greatly cut back on my weekly appointments for financial reasons. So, I really need to make the most of my approximate hour with her today and one of the topics I most need to discuss is what I have just written about - how to stop that constant loop in my head devoted to an unworthy man and replace it with more productive energy. Easier said than done. At this point I need to focus on strategies that help propel me forward.
In regard to my question of whether or not I am a better person or more of a fool, I wonder if thoughts are thoughts - we have them - and that to some extent they are what they are and are therefore not foolish or wasteful. They are there for a reason right now and can't be wished away. About being a better person - perhaps it is not a question of being better but more of being capable and willing to face life challenges instead of hiding from them as Husband #2 does. What is most sad to me is that by his not being willing to talk to me at all about the divorce, both of us missed opportunities to grow, to become more insightful and ultimately better people. I would say that I am trying to come to terms with all of this on my own and with guidance from therapy, so ultimately the biggest loser in that regard is Husband #2. I do believe that I will eventually reach some sort of resolution and closure to all of this but he will not because of his inability and refusal to examine any of it. And that truly is what I find most sad at this juncture.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the chance and opportunity to face another day.
2. For my ability to be insightful.
3. For having the strength to face reality.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
No longer able to hide from reality
The dust has settled and the grim reality set in. Today I am working at clearing out the bags of items from my parent's house (that I brought home out of a large storage shed to save on the storage fee). My thoughts are centered on how much my little family has had to deal with the past five years. We have just been hit with disaster after disaster. When you're in the middle of fighting fires you don't fully recognize the devastation that remains. Now that I am no longer consumed with the divorce/mediation I see the full mess we have landed in. Financially, I do not know how we are going to recover from this. I have made a consultation appointment with a bankruptcy attorney because at this point I need to explore all my options. There is just not enough money to go around and I do not know how long I will remain unemployed.
I have been negligent in facing reality the past months but no more. Such time I wasted obsessing over an ex who fully was aware of the challenges we faced and didn't/doesn't care. Now that I can fully comprehend how unfeeling he is/has been I am more than ready to close that door of my life and start embracing this new one without him. Granted, it is very daunting and terribly scary to face right now but I refuse to obsess any more over what ifs and if onlys.
Filing for bankruptcy is really the least of my worries - there are so many other challenges on my plate right now. Just moving on, finding a job, helping the boys adjust, probably getting the house ready to list, sorting through my parent's crap. It is time to get down to business. I have to be strong.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I am facing the truth even though it is probably the scariest thing I have ever had to do on my own.
2. That I recognize that it is time to move on.
3. That I believe that life will improve.
I have been negligent in facing reality the past months but no more. Such time I wasted obsessing over an ex who fully was aware of the challenges we faced and didn't/doesn't care. Now that I can fully comprehend how unfeeling he is/has been I am more than ready to close that door of my life and start embracing this new one without him. Granted, it is very daunting and terribly scary to face right now but I refuse to obsess any more over what ifs and if onlys.
Filing for bankruptcy is really the least of my worries - there are so many other challenges on my plate right now. Just moving on, finding a job, helping the boys adjust, probably getting the house ready to list, sorting through my parent's crap. It is time to get down to business. I have to be strong.
Today I am grateful:
1. That I am facing the truth even though it is probably the scariest thing I have ever had to do on my own.
2. That I recognize that it is time to move on.
3. That I believe that life will improve.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Out of the fog to face reality
I am not sure I even understand this but I am going to try and put it down to make some sense of it. Today, when I got up from bed it was like being released from a bad dream. That some of the fog has lifted. I do not really know where I have been the last seven months! I know I have been functioning - cooking, shopping, attending high school football games, showering, eating, sleeping, grieving, filling the van with gas, shoveling snow. But it is almost that I have been maintaining an illusion of functioning or going through the motions. The past seven months since the divorce was filed seem like some place of unreality. I think I was functioning but that only part of me was actually present in that functioning. Maybe to describe it as though I became two different parts of myself and one went into hiding and the other came out and did all the stuff that needed to be done. Looking back on the past seven months I see myself as just existing in survival mode and somehow managing to get through the days and then not remembering much of the specifics of the days or how I actually lived them. Does this even make any sense? To be half living? Maybe that was what I was doing, only letting myself experience half of what was really happening because I would not have been able to truly feel or deal with the all of it.
I certainly knew without any doubt that this marriage was completely over on July 7th but I wonder if some part of me kept that actual acknowledgment at bay until the settlement mediation on February 19th. I can only now describe this reaction as finding yourself coming to after being in a car accident for example, and looking around and surveying the damage and saying, "Now what?" I'm not sure I was capable of even acknowledging the wreckage remaining from the end of this marriage until now. It is like the dream state I have existed in (which might better be termed as not facing reality) served as some kind of protection. And without that protective shield I would not be able to now have the strength to face the damage and start picking up the pieces.
Today I am grateful:
1. That whatever state I was in the past seven months helped get me through an incredibly painful part of my life.
2. That I am doing my best to face this trying period of my life with honesty and not by running away (literally) as my husband did. Nor am I covering up my pain with drugs, alcohol or excessive intake of empty calories, although I did eat some extra French bread with lots of butter the night before mediation. And we'll just not mention that big bag of peanut M & M's that I seemed to be the only one eating around Valentine's Day - "Oh look, the bag is amazingly empty!"
3. That I am just alive! And still feeling and still living even though it hurts like hell!
I certainly knew without any doubt that this marriage was completely over on July 7th but I wonder if some part of me kept that actual acknowledgment at bay until the settlement mediation on February 19th. I can only now describe this reaction as finding yourself coming to after being in a car accident for example, and looking around and surveying the damage and saying, "Now what?" I'm not sure I was capable of even acknowledging the wreckage remaining from the end of this marriage until now. It is like the dream state I have existed in (which might better be termed as not facing reality) served as some kind of protection. And without that protective shield I would not be able to now have the strength to face the damage and start picking up the pieces.
Today I am grateful:
1. That whatever state I was in the past seven months helped get me through an incredibly painful part of my life.
2. That I am doing my best to face this trying period of my life with honesty and not by running away (literally) as my husband did. Nor am I covering up my pain with drugs, alcohol or excessive intake of empty calories, although I did eat some extra French bread with lots of butter the night before mediation. And we'll just not mention that big bag of peanut M & M's that I seemed to be the only one eating around Valentine's Day - "Oh look, the bag is amazingly empty!"
3. That I am just alive! And still feeling and still living even though it hurts like hell!
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