Life vs. Life

There is life and then there is life. Ordinary, little day-to-day life like this morning when we're getting ready for a 9:00 a.m. park district baseball game. No one wanted to go - this is a league made up of college-bound young men and it is supposed to be fun. It is Saturday and my youngest is grumpy, annoyed that his brother isn't going because of his work schedulue. None of us are morning people - we're a household of night owls. To curb his frustration my youngest darted about before we left pointing out all the "transgressions" his brother was guilty of. "See," he griped thrusting a pair of boxers into my face. "He left them on the sofa - your nice new sofa. And he left the orange juice out all night. And I stepped on a plate of catsup from the dish he left on the floor. He didn't text the coach to tell him he isn't coming and I was yelled at the last time because the coach had to change the lineup. And I shouldn't be yelled at. So, what are you going to do about all this? I can't wait til he is gone..."

Not the kind of thing I want to hear or deal with trying to get out to make it on time for a game a fair distance away. Of course, I took the wrong route, opting for a less traveled way instead of going through all the quaint little towns inbetween. There was a big accident with a car completely overturned. As I rerouted myself I kept wondering what the driver had been doing to end up that way at 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I thought about my sons driving late at night when it is far more dangerous. I also considered the heavy traffic there always is in our area. It is frustrating.

My rerouting took me smack dab in the middle of one of our cute, nearby historic towns having their Saturday a.m. outdoor market. So another reroute. Then more slow, busy traffic on the exact route I'd hoped to avoid. As we drove, my youngest proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong with me as a person and parent. On the stands I was glad to hear that I am not the only parent being treated to this perspective. So there you have it. A mere morning in the day of a life and certainly enough on one's plate to deal with.

But then there is the other stuff of life that exists along with all the ordinary dealings. Bring out the big guns here. Unemployment, financial issues, kids venturing off to college for the first time or kids in their Senior year of high school. For me the big stuff now involves Sam losing his job for the second time in two years. They are closing the retail store he manages. We were in the middle of getting a home together and have of course had to cancel the contract - the closing was supposed to be 7/29.

I haven't written about the home situation, I suppose I did not want to tempt fate. But fate was tempted anyway. The past month I have been on pins and needles and doing a fair amount of emotional eating (not good) waiting to see how Sam's job would pan out. There had been hope that he'd be transferred to another local location but he was pretty much just jacked around by the corporate bigwigs - getting put off and not given any answers.

There it is again. What haunts me so much - the not knowing, and the uncertainty. Eventually one can only take so much of it. I am sad, disappointed, feeling like every time I take a risk and put myself out there I get burned. I was the one who put down the earnest money and it is hard to lose money when you don't have much in the first place. The house was truly a dream home for me - built in 1895 and completely redone with a gourmet kitchen, a loft and tons of room for my antiques. I was so looking forward to getting them out of storage and into a home that would do them justice.

Now I have a morose guy on my hands upset with me for not going to visit him during this crisis. But I've put him off because we had the American Idol trip and next week will be gone for two days at my son's Freshman College Orientation. I feel like I have to focus on my sons, getting one safely off to college and launching the other into his Senior year. Both boys work and are out and about with friends every day. My oldest just went to Milwaukee to see Katy Perry. I don't like being away from them on weekends, 3 1/2 hours away. I truly feel my job and attention should be centered on my kids (and myself - the emotional eating is not healthy).

So into all these elements of life is the only parent card and the loyalty and responsibility I feel toward my sons. Most people don't get the reality of having to be "it" 24/7 and what that does to you. Sam believes my sons are old enough to be on their own so I get his demands conflicting with how I want/need to parent.

Deep down, sad as this is to say, I also just don't have the energy anymore to take on someone else's issues on top of mine. I'm barely handling my own life. I don't have it in me anymore. It truly is what it is. I can't pretend to be strong when I'm not. It makes me say again that lots of loss doesn't necessarily mean we'll grow stronger. Sometimes we just grow more weary and dismayed.

I've dealt with enough instability and the unknown. Where will Sam end up? He may move to Minnesota to be closer to his son but then we'll be two states apart for the next year (he doesn't want to move in with me for the next year and I am sad about that - he thinks the apartment is too cramped. But then I get upset that it is good enough for my sons and I but not Sam and we don't want to go there now).

It has surprisingly helped me to get this all out after being bottled up for so long. I am trying to refocus on little things. Downsizing, so when I can move after my youngest graduates (just 10 months away!) I'll be ready to pack more lightly. I find tremendous peace on my Wednesday antiquing trips out to the country and I know that in 10 months we'll be moving SOMEWHERE out of the Chicago area. I am so ready - it is time to move on. The cost of living is too high for someone in my situation, just the gas prices alone are the highest in the country and my apartment rent is more than half my monthly pension check. I am tired of scrimping to the bone. So I am happy thinking forward to a new life.

I am building up a little collection of vintage pottery - all the pieces cost $5.00 or so and that interest is something that can help me keep going in the months ahead. The upcoming trip to my son's rural college town is another opportunity to check out a new community although I don't think he'd be thrilled with my moving there. But who knows? We're not a typical family unit in the first place, maybe he'd be okay with it. And I could go back to school for my doctorate as a townee (sp?).

Today was the first in so many where I thought about knitting - I've been so down that knitting has seemed a chore rather than a joy as it usually is to me. But I am now planning to make two leaf scarves for Fall and that is providing me with some inspiration and hope.

I just basically want an easier and less stressful life. I had thought that was going to happen with the house and Sam but life has thrown another curve ball. I hate the unknown future and the lack of security I so need. But for now all I can do is to focus on my sons, my knitting and this apartment because it is what exists right now. To wrap up this post, I do envy those marrieds sitting on the baseball stands with me this morning. To constantly have to ride the roller coaster of life on one's own is a big drag. The little inclines can be tough enough and then there are those really steep ones that follow. I have found that the balancing of life's ups and downs on one's own to be one of the most difficult aspects of widowhood.

Here and Now

I don't like being a widow but it is who I am right now. The thought of attending the football picnic/parent meeting on Saturday afternoon yet again alone, and being in the bright light munching on chips by myself surrounded by couples fills me with such dreaded despair, I don't think I can go. It is the first time I'm throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. I can't do it anymore. I'm choosing not to go because I can't stand the pain. It is not worth the effort it takes me to buoy myself up at such events. Seven years of it and I've reached my threshold. Enough is enough. I'll go watch my son play in the stands where there is some cover but being thrust out into the throng of a picnic is another story. Trying to make small talk with people I don't know and will never interact with again ...



I don't want to be a widow anymore but face it, for the immediate time being it is what I'm destined to be. Hard to denounce a part of yourself. I dream about my past life as a relatively happy wife and mother, when I was productive and felt safe. I'd say as a married mom I flourished. I took flight and soared. Widowhood has been a downward spiral on so many levels. But at its core, I have felt unsafe and insecure. I'm tired of all the pep talks about being strong and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Sometimes you just come to the end of your rope like I'm feeling about attending the football picnic. I can't take another step forward.



A couple years ago I read a post by a widowed mom who wrote similar words. She was tired of being alone, tired of dating, tired of solo parenting and even tired of life itself. I totally got what this mom was saying and feeling. I'd been there and I'd go there again.



So I dream about my past life and dream about a future one where hopefully my life will be restored to some degree. I long for a committed partner (husband) and to be part of a mature, growing and giving partnership. Sharing a household and life would ease up the daily financial struggle I'm involved with and make it hopefully less difficult to get my boys through college. I want to be part of something bigger than myself and have a partner to lean on as well as to provide support to. A real grown-up give and take relationship with sex and a companion for social events. I do also dream of a small home or townhouse where I can garden again. But mostly I desire the security and safety I derive from being in a committed relationship (marriage).



Here I am dreaming about the past and dreaming about the futue and hating the present. Just hating it beyond words and also feeling sad and depressed about it. I want to run away from where I'm at right now. Back to the past or get thrust into the future. Anywhere but here.



But I think here is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe not embracing or even accepting it but at least not ignoring it or trying to push it always away. I'm rereading the book by Dr. Judith Sills "How to Get Naked Again." It is basically a dating guide for the middle-aged, but I'm getting a whole lot more than dating advice. Dr. Sills talks about the need to acknowledge our identities as to where we are right now today, not where we were or where we want to go. When I read this I realized how much I have been fighting my widowhood by struggling to be the same person I was as a married mom and how I've been on a quest to escape it as quickly as possible - fight and flight.



But Dr. Sills argues that to move forward, the first step is to live as fully as we can within our life situations. She also refreshingly disagrees with the emphasis on the Law of Attraction's striving for what we want to bring into our lives. Tha shouldn't be the mainstay of our energy. All of this for me means facing my widowhood rather than hiding from it. I don't think that means I have to force myself into situations that cause me pain or discomfort anymore like the football picnic. I still have the right to protect and shelter myself. But I have to stop myself from focusing on the fantasy of my past and the future and devote more on my attention to life right now. I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to do that - always easier said than done. I guess a start can be acknowledging where and who I am right now - "I'm a tired, widowed mom who doesn't feel up to going to the football picnic because it is a reminder of my being alone. Maybe I would meet someone interesting at the picnic but I don't have the energy to go this time. And it is okay to sit this one out. There will be more social opportunities in the future."

Dog Days of Summer

It has been very hot here the past week as it has been across the country. There is a heat advisory until tomorrow night for Chicago. I grumble and am cranky in this weather. My hair gets frizzy, my face is shiny and I feel cooped up because it is too hot for much outdoor activity. Then I get upset that I have to run the air conditioner so much and I worry about next month's electric bill.

In the winter I curse the snowstorms and cold. It seems as though the weather is always unstable. There is never a calm period of a week or two of weather that is pleasant, clear and without excessive humidity or freezing below zero temps.

The weather extremes seem to echo my own life. I just want a period of relative calm where I can "recover" a bit from all the chaos that we've been living through. Just a week is all I ask. But there always seems to be something that comes up - emergencies with car reparis or financial setbacks. I'm begging for an opportunity to go to bed without fretting and to wake up without dread in my heart.

Maybe some people crave excitement and the energy and high that comes from the unknown. But give me the safe, stable and predictable. That is when I shine and grow. They say change forces you to become stronger, to expand beyond your boundaries. But I've come to find that I'm more likely to take risks and chances when the rest of my world is mundane and ordinary. When my world is out of control, I just want to retreat within and huddle inside - I become afraid to venture out and become lethargic and unmotivated. I suppose my depression and lack of motivation are ways to counteract the chaos I feel raging around my life. I am so afraid to leap out into the tornado of life, I slunk back into my burrow.

Dealing with the extremes and the out-of-the-ordinary take excess effort and I'm fatigued. I don't have the energy to start facing the world with a smile on my face and spring in my step when I've been trying to slay the dragons of figuring out how to feed my family with nothing left in the bank and juggling bills to fix the van. I need to revive myself and that sometimes comes about naturally with just a period without radical ups and downs. Maybe the cool front coming in over the weekend will be the start of that restoration.

As Time Goes By

A brief perusal of online personal ads shows me a glimpse of what single people out there want. It looks like in 95% of cases, people want to be happy, optimistic and to have fun. And they want their future partners to be happy, optimistic and having fun too with the addition of no baggage! I can't relate to that. Having fun? For me, having fun would be going to the grocery store and filling up my cart without adding up every purchase in my head beforehand - to actually even be able to afford $50.00 of groceries at one time. Having fun? To watch a DVD at home. Right now, our DVD player is broken and I don't even have a spare $30.00 to replace it. It would be nice to go anywhere for a glass of wine and some good conversation - to have someone actually listen to me and care about my views and outlook. Or to maybe ask me my opinion on something. Having fun? I just want to feel safe, secure, comforted and with the knowledge that I have someone to lean on every once in awhile when the going gets tough.

Having fun? What does that mean? Excitement? Sex? Adventure? Trying new things? Laughing? Joking? Only having a good time? Forget all that. Give me safety and security. Dullness, the known, predictability, sameness. I want the same old, same old.

There is a t.v. show I try to watch every Sat. night when it airs on my PBS station (we don't get cable). It is a British comedy called "As Time Goes By," starring Dame Judy Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. It ran for a good many years and is about an older couple who fell in love during the Korean War. There was a mishap with their communication and they ended up apart. The story picks up 40 years later when they are reunited, fall in love again (although they had never really stopped loving each other) and then getting married.

The episodes are about their new life together. He is an author and she is newly retired. She has a daughter and there is an assortment of quirky friends and family members that round out the cast. There is nothing hot and heavy going on under the sheets. No one is jumping out of airplanes. One episode centers on their activity of cleaning out the house and giving items away to the charity shop. Or how the family bands together when the daughter suffers a breakup.

Now this is what is exciting to me. Families supporting one another through thick and thin. A happily married couple, comfortable and content to create a stew together on a cold winter Saturday. The ordinary, every day little occurrences. Many shows end with Jean and Lionel going to bed at the end of the day. They often read a bit before turning off the light and it is that scene that causes my heart to pound. That is what I miss in my own life and what I hope to someday have again. The ability to read together in bed with my loved one. Maybe 95% of the singles out there would find that boring and mundane. It is a treasured dream and fantasy for me.

I'm not sure what the likelihood of me finding a suitable partner out there is. I am honest when I say I can't relate to those out there seeking fun, excitement and happiness. My therapist told me she did not think I'd be able to have a successful relationship with a man who hadn't experienced some hardship in his life. She said it would be difficult for someone who'd lived a relatively "happy" life to relate with me. Boy, just another hurdle to have to jump over. It is hard enough finding a decent guy out there, now I have to find one who has suffered hardship.

Not that I have any interest in going out there and hitting the pavement anyway right now. Now is not the time. I am terribly disillusioned and depressed. Definitely not the happy, optimistic, fun seeking person single men are looking for. Of course they also want a nice looking woman, and I feel careworn and as though I've aged overnight. I think I wear my inner sorrow on the outside now and it is not that attractive, I'll admit. The loss of the house, the move, going back to work, parenting on my own, handling the apartment and all the financial stuff alone has just caught up with me. It has taken a toll the past months.

I would have to be with someone who could share a deep conversation and someone looking for more than just a good time. Everything that has happened the past few years has impacted me to a level where I'm not the same person I once was. I can't just laugh for the sake of laughing anymore. I am jaded, no question about it. How do you find someone compatible with that? I don't think it is easy. I would also want a man who could understand and appreciate the decisions I've made for my sons. Someone who'd see the choices I've made without putting me down, as my second husband did.

Plus, I've put my heart out there a couple times now and have had less than favorable endings. I used to think that I could always find a partner with whom to have a relationship. I've reached the point where I have a much sobered reality. I actually think it is possible that I could die alone. That there isn't a match for me out there. Anyway, I don't have the time or energy right now to even look. Let this magical, miracle guy come to me for a change. I'm tired of putting myself out there and really taking a chance, especially after having faced the loss of a husband due to death.

Tonight I watched an hour (two episodes) of "As Time Goes By" and as usual was charmed by the gentle and peaceful love portrayed by Jean and Lionel. And I was wistful for their unexciting but filling and happy life. Forget the excitement and having fun. When I think of love and a couple I admire, I see these two.

Personal Ad

Wanted: Ordinary, predictable, comfortable life with a loving partner who is willing to work out conflicts and life's little snags with conversation and devotion. Having fun is defined by cooking, reading and antiquing together. Nothing fancy. And it is perfectly okay to sometimes feel less than optimistic and a little down. That is what a good hot cup of tea is for and a comforting embrace. Support, kindness, compassion and understanding are the mutually agreed upon values of the relationship with along a touch of laughter and humor. Materialism is at the bottom of the list and a life seeking internal knowledge and growth is aspired to.

Do you know that I've actually seen some ads where the guys have said the women they are seeking must have decent jobs, fancy cars and want to have a lot of sex? My goodness! I don't think these guys are watching "As Time Goes By" or that they'd understand, much less appreciate the values that show portrays.

For a little while every week, I get to be whisked away into a life that melts my heart and gets my tummy all fuzzy. All that from a scene of an older, married, settled couple chopping carrots together at the kitchen table. NOW THAT IS EXCITING!

Tonight I briefly spoke to Sam and he mentioned that he hasn't filled his bed yet. Maybe I'd still want to consider moving to be with him? I'm just too worn and depleted to go into all of that right now. Our relationship has been on the back burner the past few months and we haven't seen one another since mid-February. It is like I have been living this separate life from him on my own and handling all of these hardships alone. I feel disconnected from him. And then I have the boys, always the boys to think about. I don't want to go into all of that right now. I just want a few more moments to smile as I think back on my show - it does give me a bit of pleasure that I can count on.

The Power of Love

I think I have figured out why this Valentine's Day has been so trying for me. During most days of the year I keep it together. Meaning I appear composed and all that grief buried inside me stays there. But that inside grief doesn't just vanish with the passage of time. It remains. A fact that we have to learn to live with. And for the most part, with the exception of self-pitying blog posts where I can release some of my agony, I do manage to keep my chin up and trudge forward.

But on holidays and observations like Valentine's Day, I am visually assaulted from every direction. And this year's visualizations seemed bigger and that there were more of them for sale. Maybe it is because of the stilted economy. But there was a balloon at the store that had to be five feet long. I'm not sure how it would fit in a vehicle to get home! Cute singing stuffed animals - huge flower arrangements - giant chocolate covered strawberries. All kinds of goodies brought out just for this occasion.

I do not begrudge anyone lucky enough to have love in their life. Love has been a major part of my consciousness since my husband's death. I believe love is the most important thing in the world and that the world needs more of it. Like Christmas, this is a day that receives a lot of focus and attention that is forgotten soon afterward. Instead of rushing to the gas station to pick up that 19.95 bouquet of roses to present to your sweetie, we all need to concentrate on demonstrating our love in kindness and actions, not objects, every day of the year.

So I'm surely not resentful of the fortunate people out there receiving valentines today. I suppose a little bitter and jealous. But I don't want to begrudge others their happiness or take that away from anyone.

Being bombarded every which way by reminders of love, lovers, romance, togetherness, marriage, commitment and the whole nine yards is like the world rubbing my nose into what I don't have and most want right now. To be in love and remarried. As a result of my childhood issues and probably my personality makeup in general, I have great difficulty living on my own. I want to be married and not just in a committed relationship. Sam moving away and my decision to remain here for the boys to finish high school has hit hard right now. Because I have given up the security and safety of being able to live with someone. And that is big for me.

The tokens and symbols of this day - the cards. hearts, candy, champagne, flowers and other pretties end up representing far more than mere gestures of love and affection. They are reminders of the pain I feel from having lost a husband too soon and having a marriage end before its time. I think also having the new losses of moving from my home and then Sam's departure are still very close to the surface and fresh. As a result, this year's day of love was harder to face.

I finished the large pink heart hanging I crocheted for the front door this morning and have hung it up (taking my giant mittens down for now). I want this heart to symbolize my hope for more love in this household and the entire world! This was a rough Valentine's for me. I wish it wasn't because there is enough hardship as it is. Tomorrow some of the red and pink will thankfully come down in the stores and windows. I am already planning on my next door display to be a rainbow and pot of gold. That will be fun to work on. But I'll leave the pink heart up another week or so. And tonight I'll celebrate love of family with the boys. We will feast on our little heart-shaped cakes, and Twizzlers.

Before this day ends, here are words of Danielle Steel. They appear in the beginning of one of her recent books, "One Day At A Time." I found them lovely, touching and inspiring.

"Whatever happens, has happened, or will happen,
I still believe in Love, whatever orthodox,
unorthodox, ordinary, or extraordinary form it takes.
Never give up Hope.

d.s."

Today I am grateful:

1. For the "free" cake I ended up receiving since the package was priced incorrectly.
2. That there is a day devoted to the demonstration and reflection of love - we need more.
3. For the power of love because I firmly believe it is the most powerful force in the world.
4. For snowmen.
5. For the gift card my son's track coach gave him that allowed the purchase of new track shoes and compression shorts.

Finally, A Loss I'M Not Crying Over!

Last night was my final shift at the big box store. I have worked there eight months, yet not one person said goodbye to me or acknowledged my leaving. Pretty sad. I have always felt invisible working at the store. There are 100 employees and so many shifts. The lunch/dinner breaks are staggered so we would eat alone. We were chastised when we briefly talked to co-workers. It was not an environment conducive for forming any type of attachments. And yet despite these obstacles, there were a few people I enjoyed working with and developed a sort of limited co-worker relationship with.

The sales/money emphasis did not fit well with who I am or what I believe in. If anything, my stint working retail made me realize that I have to work as a caregiver within some type of social services environment. The inconsistent hours also wrecked havoc on all our lives. "Only" parents need as much stability and consistency in their lives as possible. Never knowing from one week to the next when I'd be working was stressful. And I hated that there was never any rhyme or reason to how they scheduled the hours. I was always put as a closer. I've only now figured out (I think) that this is because my last name is at the end of the alphabet. People up front in the alphabet worked the morning and day hours. I started to get resentful that women with no kids at home or with husbands, got to work more manageable hours than me. I have struggled leaving the boys to run wild all these Fri. and Sat. nights. I would talk to various managers about getting more hours which I desperately needed and day hours at that but it never seemed to make an impact - maybe because there were so many of them and no one ever coordinated schedule changes with the others.

Anyway, that is all in the past now. It was one of those experiences that is fleeting and not very relevant in the grand scheme of things. One of those transition/fill-in jobs we take to get by while our lives are in-flux.

I have been greatly humbled by my financial experiences and working at this store put a lot of my new perspective into focus for me. The junk everyone buys and so much of it. I seemed to see a lot of consumerism for the sake of filling up unmet needs. Buying so much crap is not the answer folks! Those of us who have faced significant losses understand this. I put so much thought into anything I buy now - is it needed, necessary; do we really like/love it; how good is the quality; will it last? It seems as though so many buying Christmas and holiday gifts were just choosing things willy-nilly to put into their carts. There is always such a frantic quality to the holiday shopping season. Does anyone truly need a snowman toilet seat cover? Okay, maybe someone does who goes all out decorating for the season and will be having a lot of company in and out of their bathroom. But how about, and this is my favorite, a gadget that you put on the end of a banana in the event you only eat half of it? What happened to using a baggie or some plastic wrap?

The Western world is overly materialistic. We are programmed to believe that if we don't have this or that we won't be happy or we're not good enough. I just remember really being struck at the moment of my husband's death with the realization that he left this world as he came in and took nothing with him but love. He left all his junk and stuff for me to deal with, including 100s of National Geographic magazines my youngest insists he still wants/needs. I really now get those stories about people who lived through the Depression and saved all their old mayo jars to reuse. Some experiences impact us forever. I do not believe I will ever again blindly shell out money as I used to before widowhood. Another pretty significant change in who I was and who I became because of my husband's death. But this change isn't negative. It is a good lesson to have learned.

Bottom of the Barrel

If I have learned anything about grief and loss it is that life can be out of our control at times. Yes, we can control some things - but not everything, no matter how much we try or want the outcome to be. Life doesn't always flow according to our plans or desires. We remarry and have faith again in the future. But all the faith and love in our heart amounts to nothing when our partner refuses to consider reconciling and proceeds ahead with a divorce. We hope to meet a partner healthy enough to love and share our life with. We find one but the relationship takes a turn because of a blasted Recession and the need to move to relocate for employment. So in the end, all we are able to control is our reaction to these events - we can't change how someone feels about us - we can't hope and wish that someone hasn't been forced to move for employment. As much as we love and need someone, when they are dying we can't save them.

I am not a person who gets on well on my own. I thrive on living in a partnership and do not want to trod through the rest of my life alone. I have wanted to be remarried and will continue to want this. Of course that doesn't mean I am just going to get remarried for the sake of being married. I married Husband #2 because I truly loved him and thought it would be a successful partnership. Likewise, my decision to be with GF would have to pass the same criteria.

The thought of having to live by myself and get the boys through high school and then college on my own seems insurmountable to me right now. We are at the bottom of the barrel. I am at a place of having to start over virtually from scratch. Thoughts of eviction, not being able to pay the rent, not having enough money for food, the urgency I face in having to find work are worries and anxiety that now appear endless.

There are no perfect men out there. Husband #1 wasn't a God. We had our problems in our marriage - at one point very early on I even considered divorce. I've gone on after a devastating remarriage and divorce to meet another guy with whom I've gotten along very well. Despite numerous kinks in the road we've managed to hang in there and grow. Our relationship has demonstrated far more more tolerance and commitment than what was experienced in my second marriage. We are both starting over. Certainly not the most ideal circumstances in which to marry or move in together. But I've come to believe is there ever a good time? Who knows what is ahead for any of us. All I know is what I have right now and the picture in my head is grim.

Being able to share life including the burdens and better times is what it is all about for me. That is when I feel alive and am happy. I haven't been very "happy" since my husband's death. There have been little snippets of happiness but overall, when life is a constant grueling grind that is what you end up feeling - defeated, lonely, alone, sad, uninspired, hopeless. How can anyone keep on going with faith in their heart when that is the underlying feeling? The smiles and laughter are fleeting because the scale is unbalanced. When there is more hardship than anything else that is what permeates your feelings and ultimately influences your outlook on the present and future. The bad stuff has more power and it wins the match.

There has been too much hardship in my life of late. Maybe if my path had been different I'd feel stronger or more empowered. But right now I seem to have reached my personal limit as to what I am able to continue to handle on my own. Marriage isn't some instant cure all or easy street. I know that and accept it. But working together and having someone by your side to face life with makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day quality of it.

What is going to be served by me continuing to suffer so? Is my health and sanity less important than my oldest continuing to play volley ball the next two years?

Is it better to admit defeat graciously and take the option/solution offered even though it isn't ideal? Or is it better to keep struggling to try and ensure a status quo for your kids when doing so appears impossible at the moment? What if I just can't do this anymore? Does that make me a bad mother, a bad person?

To have to balance emotional and social needs against the ones that are ultimately most important and basic - a roof over one's home and food on the table. I cannot currently provide dental care for my children; I am pretty sure I will need to cancel the health insurance at the end of this month; it will be the second Christmas in a row that I am unable to afford gifts for the boys; there isn't enough money left over from the pension for food - whatever I am able to buy comes from the hours I work at the big box store that are not constant or reliable.

I have to think of all the outcomes and potential realities. What if one of the cars or both break down? How will I afford the repairs? What if we cannot pay the rent? Where will we go and what will we do? Would that experience be better for my sons than having to move and at least have a home, medical/dental care and enough food and clothing? Forget the Christmas gifts - I just want to have the mere basics here - all that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff. You can't live without the basics of food, water, feeling protected and shelter. Take it from one who knows and has been there - all of your focus is on surviving and there is nothing left for living and joy. I know in my heart that this isn't the way - we are meant to experience joy and happiness too. Hopefully our lives balance between the hardships and joys.

What does my poor, sad story mean or amount to anyway? The world goes on without stopping or seeing. I am just an insignificant blip on the bigger screen. Today people will be more focused on Oprah's announcement concerning the last airing of her talk show than the fate of our little trio. Our plight is invisible and even if it were more apparent, I'm not sure it would matter. When you are alone like this is is up to you to take the reigns and find the way. It is only you - even when you have reached your personal limit and can't go on any longer.

So, after all these random thoughts, reflections and musings what have I really wanted to say from all this - what is brimming from my heart? It is this - the utter pain at not being able to adequately provide for my children is slowly killing me. There is no greater pain that anyone can feel. You could add up all the grief and loss I have experienced from the death of my husband, then the divorce, followed by losing my house and it would not come close to the depths of pain I am now feeling. And secondly, it has not been the grief from death or divorce that has crushed me. It has been having to face and live life on my own. Some of us do not have the personalities or stamina to do this well.

Fork in the Road

I took my boys out of school today to visit the town, house and school where GF now lives. We left yesterday right after school and survived the four-hour drive in the dark. It was exceptionally nice to sleep with GF last night - just to be in the same bed with him and to be able to sleep the whole night through. I derive a lot of comfort out of that. Basically, it was worth the entire trip just for that aspect. I have only rarely spent the night with him because of not wanting to leave the boys home alone. So to have all of us under the same roof, safe and together was very comforting.

The tour at the school lasted three hours. They couldn't have been nicer. ALL the coaches met the boys, plus the activities director and the band teacher, who it ends up knows my son's current band teacher. He said he was going to call him this afternoon to say he'd met my son! They just really rolled out the red carpet for the boys and were practically drooling with the hope that the boys would play football and baseball. I liked how the football coach honestly described the school. He said they are located in a decent blue collar community so the test scores may not be the best but the teachers really work with the students and the school functions as a very strong community. I really sensed that during the tour.

That honest description of the town impresses me. Since my husband's death I've become so much more down-to-earth and less materialistic. Give me a straight up blue collar guy anyday over a stuck-up more wealthy professional. I've had the later with Husband #2 and where did that get me? Just more poor and miserable in the end!

The boys were very polite (thank God) but afterward compalined that they did not see "one hot chick" and that "everyone looks EMO." They have eyes and are observant so they did acknowledge that the town is blue collar. It is a rural farming community but GF's HOUSE is just five minutes from his job and the school is only two blocks away. There is no traffic. It is quiet. There are all the comforts of home - Super Target, Walmart, KFC, Taco Bell. It is not like we would be in the boon docks. Part of me thought about living in such a quiet place with no need to rush about frantically. That was nice, as was thinking about GF coming home to us and me being able to prepare a nice dinner for all of us...

Because of the school's grading period, they would prefer the boys start at the end of the month. If not, they would need to start in March. I finally got up the courage to ask GF if we waited would HE wait for me/us. He said yes but that he is not sure I can make it financially until spring. He has never pushed me to move or threated to leave me if I don't (unlike Husband #2). He reiterates that he hopes I will do so because it will be a better life for all of us. He admits that he knows it will be hard to move.

I did a fair amount of crying on this trip. Tears of tiredness and fear. I spoke to the boys about our difficult financial situation. I told them that I am losing the ability to keep this way of life up on my own.

All these years I have struggled to keep the boys grounded and in this same community and school. Some of it is because I have wanted to make them feel happy, safe and secure. I have wanted to make up for their having lost their Dad to death. I have wanted to protect them from further pain and loss. Only now I am beginning to realize that I can't continue to mount this battle to protect them because in reality I can't fully protect them. And I am realizing that I don't want to keep going on like this - I don't want to keep GF waiting. Maybe I'll protect the boys from loss and pain awhile longer but at what price to my own health and sanity? And even if we reamin living here, there will be difficulties the boys will feel. We'll continue to limp along financially. It is trading some losses for others.

We were given a truly crummy hand with all of this. But I've reached a point where I've been given an alternative. GF reminded me of that offer again today before we left - his willingness to marry and become a family. I so deeply wish that the three of us did not have to travel on this road. I wish my husband had never died. I wish Husband #2 hadn't divorced me. But that not being the case, I have to face this new juncture from where I am standing. This is a new fork in the road. It leads to a new state, a new high school, a new life, a man there for all of us and in bed with me when it is cold and dark. I have never had the strength or courage to travel down the new road before. Maybe this roadtrip has been the first step in that journey.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The warn, clear weather.
2. Walgreen's drug stores (my favorite store since you can buy anything and everything there).
3. Rolling corn fields.
4. The smell of freshly overturned dirt from the corn fields.
5. Panera.

Basic Needs & Survival

One of the basic principles from Psych. 101 usually includes Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. His theory in brief is that humans require certain needs met to grow, develop and evolve into their full potentials. The first basic tier of his pyramid includes physical needs such as safety, food, shelter, stability, protection (HEALTH INSURANCE), etc. If those basic needs aren't met a person can't move up to the next level of emotional needs. Those needs include our desire for love, connection, appreciation, community, etc. Until those needs are likewise met it is not possible for a person to achieve fulfillment with the next levels which include doing productive work, enjoying life, finding value in the balance of work and play. BOTTOM LINE - without feeling safe and secure it is pretty hard to enjoy life, find meaning in it or be able to work productively. This is because you are so consumed with survival - nothing is left over for the rest, including love.

I am thinking this as I contemplate the future of my life. I certainly am currently caught up in survival mode and I feel like I am sinking without someone next to me giving me a hand. I have tried to remain cheerful, optimistic and hopeful as I struggle with providing for my family. And I'm just not making it. I don't get enough hours at the big box store so I am starting a short-term program to become a Certified Nursing Assistant. But until I can get a new job there is not enough money to afford health/life/car insurance, pay the rent, bills, gas, clothes and still have enough for food. I'm not making it, cutting it, or surviving. And maybe according to Maslow's theory it is impossible for me to even think or consider such basic desires as happiness, joy and love while I'm struggling.

In the meantime I am stressed beyond the point of breaking. I am not as accessible to my sons because of it, as well as my depression, anxiety and worry. There is limited support to rely on and I am being crushed under the weight of this load I keep carrying by myself. We all deserve better. I'm not asking for a lot. Just the constant burden of worrying about our basic needs to be alleviated a bit. Then to feel a little bit of happiness and joy. To be able to watch a movie or video. To cook a meal with fresh meat and produce. To not wake up in dread and go to bed with that knot in my stomach. To feel a bit of hope and sanity.

Stability & Structure = Sanity

I cannot find the charger for the camcorder. It was in a wicker basket that I had on the baker's rack in the living room. All of the other storage baskets that were on the rack have been found except for this one. And of course the camcorder charger is the one thing in my entire home that I now need. Why does it always go like this? To be unable to locate the one item of importance to you when you most need it?

My oldest is cheerleader for the girl's touch football team game tonight (Powder Puff). A group of Junior and Senior boys is performing the half-time routine for the girls as a spoof. My son says it is hilarious! So I of course would like to tape it.

In the midst of all this chaos and confusion, the fact that my boys through it all have remained popular and active in school is one of the threads of sanity I have been able to hold on to!

There are still boxes to put away in our small new living space. My youngest son's room is still stacked with them (mainly books that need to be shelved). But it is tedious and not fun work, especially when there is limited time and you're doing it on your own.

This all brings to mind the need for stability and structure in our lives. My grief journey has ripped us of these necessities over the past years and it has taken a severe toll. To be living in a messy, unattractive home is disheartening and depressing. Then to add to that the inability to locate items that are important to you just brings on more frustration. And I still have three storage sheds to consolidate once the apartment is unpacked!

My girlfriend who has moved from her big suburban home into a townhome came into the store while I was working on Sat. night. We joked that we will probably still have boxes that remain unpacked until our next moves whenever they may be in the future!

I am devoting myself to the unpacking and organizing of the apartment this week. The storage sheds will have to wait for next week. I cannot deal with the discord and disharmony surrounding us. Our homes wherever they may be need to nurture, comfort and reassure us in this crazy, unpredictable world. Right now the only control I can exhibit and display is my ability to create some calm within this raging whirlwind of chaos. I know what to do and that has to be the task. I am going crazy here...

Today I am grateful:

1. For the gorgeous fall sunny day we had yesterday.
2. For scarecrows and hay bales.
3. For being able to throw out garbage daily instead of waiting for the weekly pickup when I lived in our home.
4. For the ability to be able to see my son cheer at tonight's game (that I don't have to work).
5. That at least I found the camcorder (which still has a couple minutes of time on it - maybe enough to tape a little of the routine tonight).